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6 yrs ago
I put the STD in STUD.. all I need is U
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9 yrs ago
goldfish have a memory of at least 3 months as opposed to the 3 second myth.
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Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.

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Women average seven farts a day and men about 12, experts say.

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(un) Fortunate Events


The Heavenly Sphere

@Serpentine88


Capitol city of Mígōng-

Deep inside the city a crowd gathered around the most central government building. Glass and splintered wood laid about, directly underneath a rather large hole in the structure. A trail of splinters and glass bits flanked by human footprints led casually towards a central pillar, that had been defaced with the calm writings of a professional,

"My name is Li, a humble man from a place far from this city. We all hold things dear, and in my possession is an item to help set us all free. You see, many believe the Sphere should open up to the world, become one with the community of friends this world has to offer. Perhaps this is a bad thing that I have done what I have done, but I'm a businessman. So in the pursuit of fairness, I'm going to send an offer to you, to purchase what I have in my possession.

There is a tree in Lynnfaire near the biggest Serene church, and a Large barrow in Matathran near the Utrye border. At each of these places, I want a large sum, one thousand pure gold coins left at each location in unmarked boxes. I'll leave both halves my this objects at those two locations upon payment.

Do not mistake my charity for complacency. I will be watching carefully, and if I do not recieve this payment within three weeks, I'll reach out to Matathran, Lynnfaire, Vlaanburg, and others to purchase what I have.

-Li"

At the base of the pillar there was a symbol of the authenticity of this mans intent, A corner of a very detailed map of the Heavenly Sphere, a map that had locations of garrisons, wall details... The keys to bypassing the Heavenly Sphere's defenses.

==============

Olira


@Ekreture@Commodore



"Father!! Hurry!!" A young boy cried, grasping a rope as hard as possible. All around him was sound and fury, water splashed into his boat, rocking it violently left, then right. He shouted again as loud as a waterlogged child could. His body began to shake from fear as there was no reply from his father. Above him, a large sail tore from its mast, pulled the rope from his hands. "Help!!" He shouted as if the storm were listening.

Fear gaveway to acceptance as he fell to his back, staring to the heavens. It was a beautiful sight, purple and white hues flanked by dark greys and in some areas dark black clouds against a barely visible blue sky. In the distance, further west, all he could see was near pitch black clouds and water. He was barely on the cusp of this massive storm, and it was moving fast.

His only regret was never getting to say good bye to his mother, who herself stood on the shores, staring into the heart of the storm.

==============

The Emerald Empire


@DracoLunaris



Deep in the northern most forests a young human female sat on the porch of her humble abode. It was a simple day like most others up until the singing caught her ears. It was a strange sound that seemed to guide her body into the trees.

"Can.. I help myself?" She said, unable to control her own body. As she traversed the trees, a strange stave caught her eyes, sticking out from an old rock. "What is this?" She said, regaining control of her body. Her curiocty piqued as whispers caught her attention. It called to her, "Do not fear." It whispered, in a strange deep voice. The Imposing weapon, at least three meters in length, shined with a solid gold frame with dark red symbols. As she grasped it, the rock cracked in half, easily allowing her to remove it.

It was strange, everywhere she stepped, the grass turned bright green, as if it were now bristling with life. Her first thought, blessing her crops that after a few moments near the weapon, had flourished into a glorious bounty. Her next thought, travelling to the nearest military post to turn it in. "It's the right thing to do." She said, mimicing what she kept hearing in her head..

"The right thing to do."

===========================



Utrye




Esreth- Holy Capitol of Utrye.

In the holy city, life went on fairly similarly to those of other nations. Town guards patrolled, watching for law breakers or counting clouds. Children ran themselves in circles in a sea of innocent laughter, and people in the many marketplaces enjoyed hunting for that special bargain. All was well in this part of the world.

Further into the city sat the keep itself. Among its many wings and ornate spires, one room in particular did blue birds love to perch. The main chambers of Marcelles, highest priest of the Argent church. The birds melody seemed to brighten many peoples hearts, helping to alleviate their sorrows of working day after day.

To many a people's sorrow, the birds took off in panic as the main door to Marcelles chambers slammed open, revealing a very ill-tempered Elise. "Did you know about this?" she shouted before storming towards Marcelles desk. Elise noticed her chair was faced away, which only fueled her frustrations.

Elise never bothered to sit down but rather slammed a small piece of parchment onto her desk. "From the holy throne if King Louis IV, Utrye has taken the official stance as to recognize Princess Abigale d'Montigue as the rightful ruler of Lynnfaire. All official matters of state between Utrye and Lynnfaire will be through Queen Abigale or her appointed delegates." she took a deep breath. "Signed King Louis IV."

"Did you know? The only thing here to recognize is that they are Infidels! Why do we pander to these swine." Elise balled her fists, "Tell me!"

Nearly a minute went by before a soft, calm voice replied. "Are you asking me? Or ordering me?" Marcelles replied, slowly rising from her chair to face Elise.

Elise's voice grew shaky as Marcelles form became apparent. "I-I meant no offense."

"I suppose your comments missed their mark then." Marcelles replied dryly. She took a few moments to collect her thoughts before circling her desk to meet Elise face to face. "I shall.. Humor your question. Times are changing Elise, you have to understand that."

Elise frowned, "Times are changing? Advancing time means we can forsake our ideals?"

"You presume too much." Marcelles snapped. "The way things work. Crusades alone cannot accomplish as much as before. Politics, military posturing, trade embargoes, all are the new tools of war in these times."

"Military posturing? If we call a crusade, the prophetess will protect us, we will have justice on our side." Elise replied confidently.

Marcelles shook her head, "You have to put yourself in the prophetess position. if you were her, what wou-"

"Blasphemy!" Elise shouted, "How could anyone, especially you compare yourself to a god!" before she could continue though, a massive force of unseen energy burst forth from Marcelles now outstretched arm. Elise flew backwards into the chambers door, where she found herself unable to move. Pain began to fill her mind as Mercelles, still holding her hand out, walked closer.

"Elise! I've warned you before! A firm.. Yet just hand. That's what you must deliver. But all you deliver is pain." Marcelles shouted, before pushing Elise into the wall even harder, drawing screams that echoed through the room. "Our own people afraid! You're too heavy handed Elise!"

Marcelles got as close as she could and with her free hand, withdrew a bracelet from her cloak. She shoved the bracelet onto Elise's left hand and with a gentle wave of her hand, the bracelet shrunk down to Elise's wrist width, firmly settling on. After a few moments, Marcelles let up on Elise entirely, watching her tired body slide onto the ground.

"Submit Elise, There's no reason to continue this path. Be the inquisitor you were born to be." Marcelles said proudly, staring right into Elise's now wide eyes.

With her head now bowed in defeat, Elise examined the bracelet, "What is this?" She said calmly, with the clear intent to not provoke Marcelles again.

"It is a tool to remind you of your service to Utrye and Argenism." Marcelles answered.

Elise slowly began twisting her wrist, as if to try and adjust the bracelet.

"Don't bother." Marcelles said, watching every move. "That will be on until you have regained the trust of the inquisitors."

"What must I do." Elise said dryly, followed by a long sigh.

"Hmmm." Marcelles turned her back to Elise and moved towards a nearby window. Outside she saw the rolling green hills before her. "There is a situation that only a true inquisitor could solve, this will be your test. There has been an affront to the gods in the south. The land itself seems to have been torn asunder, Like a god had cleft through it with malice."

"It will be done." Elise said simply.

Marcelles turned to her and took a stern tone, "No. Not as you are." Elise stood up and gazed about the room.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"Remove your armor and surrender your sword." Marcelles said, motioning towards her desk.

Elise didn't question it, though her confusion was beyond apparent. After a few moments of silence and the degradation of nearly fully undressing in front of another, Elise stood with only a faded blue loose fitting belly-cropped shirt, and worn beige breeches.

Some pity did fill Marcelles mind as she watched Elise place her armor upon Marcelles desk, "You may keep your knife." Elise turned to Marcelles who then continued. "Help yourself to those sandals, and take that map next to your armor. Take your leave, earn your position back."

Elise was quick to leave, and promptly left the city walls. All the while, Marcelles watched from her high window. As Elise crested a hill and disappeared from sight, King Louis walked in. "Is she gone?"

Marcelles smirked, "Yes, that problem has taken care of itself." She chuckled a bit before returning to her chair. "Your problem in the south will likely be dealt with as well. Two problems gone at once."

Louis frowned. "Is getting rid of her really wise? Her power is..." He rubbed his chin, "Intense."

"To say the least." Marcelles added, "It took everything I had to hold her in place. She was barely resisting and I had to put my all to... just maintain control. It's too dangerous. She is a woman out of time. Imagine her glory when Utrye was first born."

"You seem to envy her." Louis said, moving in to examine Elise's armor.

Marcelles shrugged, "I only envy her ability to wildly tip scales in what ever she believes in. Soon the prophetess will embrace her, and welcome her into the silver legion. It will bring her glory, a peaceful end."

"Making excuses to ease your conscience. Though, I cannot argue with it." Louis replied before turning to the door and taking a few steps. He stopped and turned his head for a moment, "I just hope... this works like you hope it does."

"As do I."

---------------
Days later, in the south.

Elise's heavy steps and nearly fixed furrowed brow had done wonders keeping both bandits and citizens from socializing with her. Even the wild animals seemed to have no desire to interact with her as she strode through the country side, stopping only to eat, drink, and relieve herself.

Upon finally entering her target village, she saw a crowd near the town square where men were telling of the crags. The Inquisitor in her wanted to detour, harass the locals about the situation, but something in her, a pure focus brought on by near rage sent her straight by the group of people.

Instead, she found herself at the house that the map had described. She went to the front, seeing the door swung open. Something didn't feel right, a feeling that caused an natural reaction to draw her knife. "Hello? Anyone inside?" She said softly, but clearly into the door.
Banned all three for turning this into a sentimental, nearly personal conversation.
Banned for not driving a lincoln... Before it was cool.

@Sigma relocate your orcs to the char tab internment camp and post away!
Humans digitally transplanted into half dragon half Llama bodies. Forced to compete in bumpercar races... Where the losers are executed by bikini wearing female executioners.
Mexican mercenary turned mongolia prophecy demigodess, a literal effigy of Genghis khan himself, battle eskimo warlords over the worlds last known source of Element Z.
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