Muttonhawk Member
Let Slip the Corgis of War
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Bio
Dear Mr Curly,
I have done little travelling lately because I have been so dreadfully weary. Can it be true as the old Ecclesiastes said; that all things lead to weariness? Surely not. Perhaps the opposite is true: that all nothings lead to weariness. I have a peculiar feeling, Curly, that I am worn out from something I haven't yet done and the more I don't do it, the more exhausted I become. How strange. Could it be something I haven't realised? Perhaps it's something I haven't said? Something I haven't finished! It must be very large and true whatever it is and a lively struggle in the doing but I look forward to it immensely. I know I need it. First, however, I must curl up in my chair and sleep deeply with the duck. Perhaps I'll dream of this thing and wake up refreshed and do it. My fond wishes to you Mr. Curly, and to all Curly Flat.
Yours sleepily,
Vasco Pyjama
xxx
P.S. Not having breakfast can make you weary. That's for sure!
Most Recent Posts
That's quite alright, we're mostly doing dialogue right now anyway.
Curious, Fendros thought in response to Ahnasha's explanations, well, if their race is resistant to it, it's probably not a problem.
Ahnasha was obviously very concerned about Fendros and skooma. Fendros smiled and breathed a laugh out of his nose, he had just said not to worry. Putting an arm around her shoulder, Fendros brought their faces close and looked straight back at her eyes. "Ahna, I would never. I promise," he said quietly. It would not be a difficult promise to keep, as it was one that he had implicitly committed to himself after the first time, but he thought it only fair to put Ahnasha's mind at ease.
Ahnasha was obviously very concerned about Fendros and skooma. Fendros smiled and breathed a laugh out of his nose, he had just said not to worry. Putting an arm around her shoulder, Fendros brought their faces close and looked straight back at her eyes. "Ahna, I would never. I promise," he said quietly. It would not be a difficult promise to keep, as it was one that he had implicitly committed to himself after the first time, but he thought it only fair to put Ahnasha's mind at ease.
Fendros did a double take at the mention of moon sugar. "Ah," he said, the situation making more sense now. Khajiit substances were another reason why their kind held a stigma in his eyes. Though of the few skooma and moon sugar addicts he had encountered, there were only few khajiits among them.
"You need not worry about me," Fendros assured, "I tried skooma once before in my adolescence. It... let's just say I had a bad reaction." Fendros thought back to the hallucinations that he had mostly forgotten from that one time years ago. It was worse than any nightmares he had experienced before, much because he was awake during the trip. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it. "Just please don't put any in my food, okay?"
After a few seconds, Fendros took a breath to speak and looked over to Ahnasha's face. She looked so relaxed and full of bliss that Fendros was hesitant to interrupt, but it was important. "Is it safe to be eating that while you're pregnant?" Fendros asked, trying not to sound preachy.
"You need not worry about me," Fendros assured, "I tried skooma once before in my adolescence. It... let's just say I had a bad reaction." Fendros thought back to the hallucinations that he had mostly forgotten from that one time years ago. It was worse than any nightmares he had experienced before, much because he was awake during the trip. It made his skin crawl just thinking about it. "Just please don't put any in my food, okay?"
After a few seconds, Fendros took a breath to speak and looked over to Ahnasha's face. She looked so relaxed and full of bliss that Fendros was hesitant to interrupt, but it was important. "Is it safe to be eating that while you're pregnant?" Fendros asked, trying not to sound preachy.
Sensible enough, Fendros thought. They seemed to hunt well enough as a team today, but it would be something to get into the habit of, especially when their enemies would have a better knowledge of all of them than Fendros felt confident to describe with his own understanding.
Fendros paused to glance at the cake Ahnasha had found as she sat next to him. Her expression from taking the first bite seemed so enjoyable that it appeared exaggerated. In the dim light of the cave, Fendros didn't spot the extra ingredient sprinkled over it. "I had no idea you liked sweetrolls that much, Ahnasha," Fendros said with a raised eyebrow and a slow, inquisitive tone. Across from him, Janius stifled a chuckle, he had recognised the smell of the moon sugar since Ahnasha had started hauling it back. He wasn't a user himself, but was amused at Fendros' interpretation.
Fendros paused to glance at the cake Ahnasha had found as she sat next to him. Her expression from taking the first bite seemed so enjoyable that it appeared exaggerated. In the dim light of the cave, Fendros didn't spot the extra ingredient sprinkled over it. "I had no idea you liked sweetrolls that much, Ahnasha," Fendros said with a raised eyebrow and a slow, inquisitive tone. Across from him, Janius stifled a chuckle, he had recognised the smell of the moon sugar since Ahnasha had started hauling it back. He wasn't a user himself, but was amused at Fendros' interpretation.
"Hmm, right," Fendros nodded. It made sense that they came about the same thought processes, but Fendros could hardly imagine what it must have been like to be alone amongst all of it. Lorag must have been a real survivor, and survival drove him to do what he did. Fendros thought about it further, taking Lorag's advice. Thinking about it with a clearer head lead him down some lines of speculation. Perhaps the abhorrence was driven by empathy, eating someone after killing them would probably only make the act worse in the eyes of others, especially those that would grieve for the deceased. Was it some kind of disease? A madness? Werewolves didn't have to worry about the disease possibilities at least. The rest of the pack may have odd customs, but they weren't insane in his opinion. Perhaps in an extreme case, eating one another would drive one's one people into extinction, but this was rather far spanning and Fendros wasn't sure.
By the time they reached camp, Fendros had rationalised it to the point where he would avoid eating humanoids unless there was no other food. There may have been more to consider, but that was all he could think of at the time. It helped that these were criminals, he found that to be a more apparent truth as he continued to think. Hopefully he wouldn't stay too shaken by the act of killing someone for long, even if it was his beast form that drove him to do so.
More of the day was spent fashioning cloaks from the materials they had found. Everyone seemed content making their own cloaks for themselves, but Fendros used the time to attempt to adjust pieces of his new armour to fit him better, to varying results. It was a peaceful activity, a lethargic rest from the hunt. Fendros was in better spirits now after calming his emotions from the events of earlier that day. Casually, Janius spoke to Fendros from across the campfire while sewing a cowl onto his new cloak, "So, Fendros, I spotted you disarming that Dunmer before you killed her. You've gotten a lot better at controlling your beast form, you know that? You had your eyes on her movements and everything."
"I'm not sure how I feel about it, to be honest, Janius." Fendros looked up from his own work, "she was scared out of her wits. I could smell it and see it in her eyes."
Janius smiled, "Come now, give yourself some credit. You fought well, and avoided some serious injuries. With what we're hunting, next time they won't be so scared."
Fendros felt a chill as he was reminded of the werewolf hunters. He was apprehensive, but at the same time at least it would be a fight between adversaries rather than a massacre. Supposedly. "I'm not sure how I should feel about that either," Fendros responded.
By the time they reached camp, Fendros had rationalised it to the point where he would avoid eating humanoids unless there was no other food. There may have been more to consider, but that was all he could think of at the time. It helped that these were criminals, he found that to be a more apparent truth as he continued to think. Hopefully he wouldn't stay too shaken by the act of killing someone for long, even if it was his beast form that drove him to do so.
More of the day was spent fashioning cloaks from the materials they had found. Everyone seemed content making their own cloaks for themselves, but Fendros used the time to attempt to adjust pieces of his new armour to fit him better, to varying results. It was a peaceful activity, a lethargic rest from the hunt. Fendros was in better spirits now after calming his emotions from the events of earlier that day. Casually, Janius spoke to Fendros from across the campfire while sewing a cowl onto his new cloak, "So, Fendros, I spotted you disarming that Dunmer before you killed her. You've gotten a lot better at controlling your beast form, you know that? You had your eyes on her movements and everything."
"I'm not sure how I feel about it, to be honest, Janius." Fendros looked up from his own work, "she was scared out of her wits. I could smell it and see it in her eyes."
Janius smiled, "Come now, give yourself some credit. You fought well, and avoided some serious injuries. With what we're hunting, next time they won't be so scared."
Fendros felt a chill as he was reminded of the werewolf hunters. He was apprehensive, but at the same time at least it would be a fight between adversaries rather than a massacre. Supposedly. "I'm not sure how I should feel about that either," Fendros responded.
As commanded, Fendros lifted one of the corpses by the arms while Lorag took it by the legs. It was a bit macabre to be carrying around a Dunmer whose neck had been so badly ravaged that its head was bent back further than naturally when lifted, but Fendros just tried not to look down during the hike back to camp.
It was a longer distance than Fendros had anticipated. With how fast the pack was moving in their beast forms he had completely lost track of the distance they covered. Thankfully the way back at least seemed more direct than the meandering paths they took trying to find a scent. Fendros stayed quiet most of the way, deep in thought about Janius' words. Janius was right that independent of Fendros' beast form, he was still the same Dark Elf. He wasn't some terrifying stalker of the night that relished in killing and eating travelers. Then again, the corpse he was carrying would probably be part of what fed them all in the near future, did that contradict his thoughts? He certainly didn't like the idea of eating his own kind still, but chances are that he had already done so with whatever was in their stores before. His beast form could not be some kind of scapegoat when he ate in his Dunmer form. Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way, he pondered, I should probably try to find out why cannibalism is frowned upon, rather than just accept it.
It was not an obvious question to answer for Fendros. While they walked back, he decided to take the opportunity to ask Lorag. "Hey Lorag, if you don't mind me asking... how did you deal with, you know, eating people for the first time?"
It was a longer distance than Fendros had anticipated. With how fast the pack was moving in their beast forms he had completely lost track of the distance they covered. Thankfully the way back at least seemed more direct than the meandering paths they took trying to find a scent. Fendros stayed quiet most of the way, deep in thought about Janius' words. Janius was right that independent of Fendros' beast form, he was still the same Dark Elf. He wasn't some terrifying stalker of the night that relished in killing and eating travelers. Then again, the corpse he was carrying would probably be part of what fed them all in the near future, did that contradict his thoughts? He certainly didn't like the idea of eating his own kind still, but chances are that he had already done so with whatever was in their stores before. His beast form could not be some kind of scapegoat when he ate in his Dunmer form. Maybe I'm thinking about this the wrong way, he pondered, I should probably try to find out why cannibalism is frowned upon, rather than just accept it.
It was not an obvious question to answer for Fendros. While they walked back, he decided to take the opportunity to ask Lorag. "Hey Lorag, if you don't mind me asking... how did you deal with, you know, eating people for the first time?"
Fendros nodded. It certainly took some weight off his mind to know that he had not proven a particular inconvenience to the pack. To also have some empathy and support gave him some solace, especially from Ahnasha. Fendros brightened a little and smiled, "thanks. Both of you."
Before long, the pack had consolidated had consolidated what they deemed useful from the smuggler group. Fendros found a few notes of transaction that strongly suggested that they were indeed trafficking skooma to sneak into less protected borders through well payed for secret routes. Perhaps not something that Fendros deemed deserving of death, but there were certainly many lives that they may had abused through this practice.
Besides a comment from Lorag joking that Fendros looked like a girl in his armour, at which point he only just realised why it was such an odd fit in some places, there wasn't much else to do but ask Meesei what happens next.
Before long, the pack had consolidated had consolidated what they deemed useful from the smuggler group. Fendros found a few notes of transaction that strongly suggested that they were indeed trafficking skooma to sneak into less protected borders through well payed for secret routes. Perhaps not something that Fendros deemed deserving of death, but there were certainly many lives that they may had abused through this practice.
Besides a comment from Lorag joking that Fendros looked like a girl in his armour, at which point he only just realised why it was such an odd fit in some places, there wasn't much else to do but ask Meesei what happens next.
Meesei was not the only one to notice Fendros' mood. After Janius had finished with the area he was searching, he approached Fendros from behind, who was still fuming and withdrawn. "Hey, Fendros," Janius said with one hand on his hip, "that was the first one of your own kind that you've killed, wasn't it?" He gestured to the red smear where the corpse they fed on used to be. "I know it's hard-"
"-Don't! Even! Talk!" Fendros burst out, making rapid movements with one hand on each word for emphasis, "just..." Fendros gritted his teeth, then pushed back whatever anger he had left and resumed what he was doing.
Janius stood his ground, he kept the same pose and tone. "I was like you, Fendros. We were all-" Janius waved his hand around to pan in the direction of the rest of the pack, "-like you. For the most part, we had qualms about our new nature. I remember when I first killed and ate an imperial, it was a bandit, but that didn't change the fact of the matter." Fendros piled up the hides of leather he had found with a more hurried pace, and Janius continued, "listen, I've had much time to think about my own situation. It may or may not help you to think of it this way, but... some things in the world... they're not problems to be solved. There are some things you just can't deal with, you can't get rid of. Once you know what those things are, you must treat them like the immutable facts of life that they are... you must adapt." Janius glanced to one side and took a deep breath, "Your beast blood, that is something you cannot control completely. No one can, at least not permanently." Fendros slowed to a stop and stood with his back to Janius still. "Look, no one asked you to enjoy your position, but where you are now, you are not an evil beast. You have a beast within you that you're probably fearing that you would become, but as long as you have our support -and you do- you can still be the Fendros that you want to stay as. Just think about that." Janius turned on his heel and went on his way, "... you can make it up to me with a bottle of mead, if you find one." Janius added as he strolled away.
Fendros remained still for a while. He could feel a cool tear run off the edge of his chin. It took all of his will to not turn around and strike Janius on the nose, but he could not refute him. Except maybe that he couldn't go back to his family, but that was a reality he had accepted weeks ago. Fendros sniffed and wiped the tears from his face. The anger had been replaced with a kind of hopelessness now. At least it was a peaceful hopelessness.
There was a nudge on Fendros' shoulder that took him by surprise, he turned around and saw Sabine in front of him, with what looked like a number of enlarged crab shells fashioned onto armour. Sabine shoved the pile of shells into his arms, much to his confusion. "What's this?" Fendros asked with a tired voice. "It's your size, don't waste." Sabine said, before walking off without another word, as she did. Fendros looked down at the objects he held now, it was the chitin armour that Meesei mentioned. He was surprised that no one else wanted it. He held a few of the pieces up to his body, it would indeed fit him. It was at least something else to occupy him to try it on. After several minutes of working out the various fastenings and sections, he tried moving around a bit in it. It was surprisingly lightweight and seemed rather sturdy. It even had a mask to ward off the ash, if he needed it.
Keeping the helmet under his arm for now, Fendros approached Meesei with a calmer mind. "Meesei, I apologise for being... difficult," He said with distinct lack of self-confidence, unsure whether it was worth trying to say sorry, "it's just another thing to get used to."
"-Don't! Even! Talk!" Fendros burst out, making rapid movements with one hand on each word for emphasis, "just..." Fendros gritted his teeth, then pushed back whatever anger he had left and resumed what he was doing.
Janius stood his ground, he kept the same pose and tone. "I was like you, Fendros. We were all-" Janius waved his hand around to pan in the direction of the rest of the pack, "-like you. For the most part, we had qualms about our new nature. I remember when I first killed and ate an imperial, it was a bandit, but that didn't change the fact of the matter." Fendros piled up the hides of leather he had found with a more hurried pace, and Janius continued, "listen, I've had much time to think about my own situation. It may or may not help you to think of it this way, but... some things in the world... they're not problems to be solved. There are some things you just can't deal with, you can't get rid of. Once you know what those things are, you must treat them like the immutable facts of life that they are... you must adapt." Janius glanced to one side and took a deep breath, "Your beast blood, that is something you cannot control completely. No one can, at least not permanently." Fendros slowed to a stop and stood with his back to Janius still. "Look, no one asked you to enjoy your position, but where you are now, you are not an evil beast. You have a beast within you that you're probably fearing that you would become, but as long as you have our support -and you do- you can still be the Fendros that you want to stay as. Just think about that." Janius turned on his heel and went on his way, "... you can make it up to me with a bottle of mead, if you find one." Janius added as he strolled away.
Fendros remained still for a while. He could feel a cool tear run off the edge of his chin. It took all of his will to not turn around and strike Janius on the nose, but he could not refute him. Except maybe that he couldn't go back to his family, but that was a reality he had accepted weeks ago. Fendros sniffed and wiped the tears from his face. The anger had been replaced with a kind of hopelessness now. At least it was a peaceful hopelessness.
There was a nudge on Fendros' shoulder that took him by surprise, he turned around and saw Sabine in front of him, with what looked like a number of enlarged crab shells fashioned onto armour. Sabine shoved the pile of shells into his arms, much to his confusion. "What's this?" Fendros asked with a tired voice. "It's your size, don't waste." Sabine said, before walking off without another word, as she did. Fendros looked down at the objects he held now, it was the chitin armour that Meesei mentioned. He was surprised that no one else wanted it. He held a few of the pieces up to his body, it would indeed fit him. It was at least something else to occupy him to try it on. After several minutes of working out the various fastenings and sections, he tried moving around a bit in it. It was surprisingly lightweight and seemed rather sturdy. It even had a mask to ward off the ash, if he needed it.
Keeping the helmet under his arm for now, Fendros approached Meesei with a calmer mind. "Meesei, I apologise for being... difficult," He said with distinct lack of self-confidence, unsure whether it was worth trying to say sorry, "it's just another thing to get used to."
For the first time since the time he blacked out with his very first transformation, Fendros' beast form receded of its own accord rather than with Fendros leading it away. After flexing and rediscovering his pained joints in his Dunmer form, as he did after each transformation, he held his head bowed forward. He could feel a lump in his throat and a pressured tightness in his chest. He was furious with himself. As if trying to play it off for a moment, he tried gathering up materials from the smuggler's belongings, snatching up a couple of bolts of cloth, each with more frustration than the next.
He went about his task with shallow breaths and no words. Meesei approached before he could gather much. Fendros threw her a quick angry glance and considered shouting at her, but he settled for fuming as he had been and ignoring her presence. His beast spirit wasn't around to be in such awe of her as usual now that it had fed, so Fendros didn't talk and silently blamed her for everything. The only confirming communication that he expressed to her was to shake his head.
He went about his task with shallow breaths and no words. Meesei approached before he could gather much. Fendros threw her a quick angry glance and considered shouting at her, but he settled for fuming as he had been and ignoring her presence. His beast spirit wasn't around to be in such awe of her as usual now that it had fed, so Fendros didn't talk and silently blamed her for everything. The only confirming communication that he expressed to her was to shake his head.
And just like that, there was no one the pack had left alive. There was still the thrill of the moment running through Fendros' mind by the time Meesei decided to take her share of the kill, so his beast form looked on hungrily as the corpse was torn apart. As the rest of the pack took their turns to feed, it was enough time for Fendros' Dunmer mind to gain some footing. Different parts of his mind began to push and shove once more. He was disgusted at the gore, at other Dunmer being ripped to shreds, but the other end of his mind wanted to join in and feast.
Anxiety swept over his entire demeanour by the time it was his turn. It was at the point where his footsteps were slow, reluctant. This wasn't like feasting on beasts or animals like it was with Meesei. Even if some of the food that he might have tasted in their stores could have been humanoid, even Dunmer, to have it all in front of him was tearing him in two. He stepped up to what was left of the Dunmer woman, and took in the scent. Fresh meat. This attempt to control was as futile as any other time and Fendros knew it. He let go and tried not to observe too much of what his beast form did. By the time he had regained some semblance of control, he felt somewhat sated and had blood dripping from his claws and his mouth. The corpse was a scatter of bone and viscera, unrecognisable. Oh Ancestors, what have I done now? Fendros thought sullenly. He suddenly felt exhausted, as if the reality of the situation had completely evaporated his energy. I can't... this is... he fell to his haunches and kept his eyes away from the contact of others in the pack. He wondered whether it was even worth trying to transform back now. He was a monster, he had just been reminded of that with his worst fear. What was the point of pretending otherwise?
Anxiety swept over his entire demeanour by the time it was his turn. It was at the point where his footsteps were slow, reluctant. This wasn't like feasting on beasts or animals like it was with Meesei. Even if some of the food that he might have tasted in their stores could have been humanoid, even Dunmer, to have it all in front of him was tearing him in two. He stepped up to what was left of the Dunmer woman, and took in the scent. Fresh meat. This attempt to control was as futile as any other time and Fendros knew it. He let go and tried not to observe too much of what his beast form did. By the time he had regained some semblance of control, he felt somewhat sated and had blood dripping from his claws and his mouth. The corpse was a scatter of bone and viscera, unrecognisable. Oh Ancestors, what have I done now? Fendros thought sullenly. He suddenly felt exhausted, as if the reality of the situation had completely evaporated his energy. I can't... this is... he fell to his haunches and kept his eyes away from the contact of others in the pack. He wondered whether it was even worth trying to transform back now. He was a monster, he had just been reminded of that with his worst fear. What was the point of pretending otherwise?
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