Roach

Let's Gush!

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			Lockdown has been tolerable for me for one reason and one reason only. Amortentia, a 1x1 project that my writing partner and I started on the 10th of April, just hit 100k words! Considering it took us a year to reach the same word count for our previous big roleplay, to have managed it in less than four months is such an incredible change that literally came out of nowhere. 50k of this came from the last month alone, like a pseudo-NaNoWriMo we didn't know we were doing. I cannot enthuse about @Aconite and her writing enough. Not only has she been the backbone of the project (with the legwork of every scene written from her character's point of view) she never ceases to amaze and inspire me with her creativity. This happened most recently when she began to work in written descriptions of the characters playing music with the sort of luxurious prose one might expect in a real, published novel, but I have also died over every new character, every dramatic moment and every line of banter she has ever written. There's no-one better to gush over wild tropes and headcanons with, to exchange aesthetic boards and Spotify playlists with, to chat with well into the early hours of the morning, and to roleplay with in general. Here's to doing this again, and many, many more late nights staring at a screen, growing too attached to fictional bastards and waiting eagerly for our next turn. Or waiting for the master doc to load, because at 229 pages, it sure is crunching.

RPGC#27 - To the sky! (Voting and Feedback)

Life got in the way as it is wont to do, so I did not finish whatever I had planned for this contest. However, I'm here with feedback for the entries and imaginary champagne for all the entrants!

I won't be doing an in-depth sentence by sentence breakdown because I don't think those are helpful outside of creative writing workshops and don't fit the vibe of casual, friendly critique on an internet forum, so consider this more of a broad review. If any of the authors would like a more detailed one, I am happy to provide in PMs.

The Sky-Sailer

This was a cute piece –– I liked it!

The strength of this piece is definitely in the relationship between the characters. The 'lore' of the piece is not necessarily intriguing on its own; however, I think it was nicely explained through dialogue between the characters. In particular, this bit from near the beginning stood out as a neat moment of character building:

Stella nodded. “You are right Keith it is not fair. You control the wind.”

“Yeah!” agreed Keith.

“You aren’t too big, you are a little under average height and definitely slim enough. A lightweight, no, featherweight I’d say” Stella continued.

“Yeah!” Keith said enthusiastically, glad Stella saw his point of view.

“And you are full of hot air and an airhead, no reason you can’t fly!”

And again, despite flawed grammar, it's this cute all the way through – very domestic and grounded in its approach to the magic in a way I can appreciate. I would have liked to read more conversations between Keith and Stella as I think you portrayed their dynamic very well, and together they are definitely the strongest parts of this entry.

There are two main areas for improvement: the simplicity of the sentence structure and a tendency towards minor grammatical errors. These have the unfortunate side-effect of creating stilted prose and dialogue throughout the piece. Fortunately, a more thorough proofreading should catch most of the latter: watch out for comma splices, rogue capitalisation, repetition of words, and perhaps examine the rules of connecting dialogue to speech tags a little more thoroughly.

When it comes to the sentence structure:

A few weeks later Hazel passed the shed that still was locked.
It was the furthest away of the few sheds they had.
It wasn’t the first time she wondered why he hadn’t taken one of the closer ones.
Keith had been working non-stop on something.
Hazel was worried since his previous two attempts hadn’t gone very well.

This is one of the paragraphs separated out into its component sentences. Notice how they are all just about the same length and structure? One thing that helps with this would be to read the piece out-loud and see if it sounds robotic or monotone – that's usually a good indicator that you might want to spice things up with some shorter and longer sentences, eg. this.

Adding in some longer, physical descriptions of the setting or the characters would help in this respect, as well as make it easier to 'imagine' the characters – a reader can easily learn their personalities through the dialogue, but it's harder to get a clear picture of what they look like and their body language.

Overall, though, I think this feel-good piece has a good energy, a progression from start to finish that is (mostly) clear, and the gumption to attempt fantasy world-building in a short story competition – a hard thing to do – so honestly, props.

Once Upon a Feather

The shorter the piece, the more difficult it is to review. Once Upon a Feather (nice title!) tries to do a lot in very few words, and I think it manages some of them. One of the best things I think you did was not belabour the backstory: this character has a mutation, they now have wings – that's fine, and appropriate for a short contest like this. At the same time, though, a longer piece which catalogs the previous six days of their experience could have been an interesting thing to explore.

There are a lot of sources of intrigue in this piece. Can birds talk in this universe, or is this some kind of power? Why is it so big? Who is the other figure? I do wish it was longer so the reader could perhaps get a better sense of the world that this character lives in, as the flashes of what we are given are good hooks.

First person is an interesting choice of POV with its own challenges. I would say that it is right for this entry because it allows us to stay in the mindset of the character. However, one of the most noticeable issues in the piece is caused by it, and it's a technical one. Many of the sentences are 'samey' – there's too many Is. For example:

I looked down as the Bird mentioned about jumping, before I nodded. "Right." I said before I stood up, shuffling over to the edge of the nest. I fanned my wings out slowly, "Focus." I mumbled to myself before I leapt from the edge, I felt my body dip down before I started to flap my wings.
I spun slightly as I dipped down, before I started to gain altitude. I span on my way up, pushing past the trees and aimed for the clouds.
I felt like screaming as I broke through the clouds, spinning as I did so. I stopped beating my wings, I floated in the air above the clouds for a second, slowly beating my wings to keep myself above the clouds.

The overabundance of these Is resulted in a lot of missed opportunities in the 'moneyshot' of this scene and the piece itself. The character is flying for the first time, and it focuses too much on the mechanics of this. Instead of writing what they are doing (and having to use another I), there could have been descriptions of the difficulties of air pressure, the feel of breathing in thin air high up in the clouds, the sound of their beating wings. Instead of just telling us the character felt like screaming, what if they did scream, or how did they manage to hold it in?

This is an ambitious attempt with a lot of promise as a premise for something longer. If it had just a little bit more length, and was a little bit more in-depth, it would perhaps be easier to review as well.

The First and the Last

As far as technical ability goes, this is the best entry of the three. The quality of the writing is advanced and varied, at least in so far as grammar and sentence structure goes, so nitpicking those on a micro scale would be more of a personal preference thing at this level.

There are some very interesting and evocative turns of phrase mixed in here. Highlights include: 'the ancient, prickling certainty that something is watching with malign intent' and 'with a quiet snap and crack she is reduced to a small and ugly thing, feathers sticking out at ungainly angles from a mass of broken flesh and bone'. It is no surprise that my favourite lines of the piece came from the opening and ending – those were the strongest overall sections, where the central ideas were best displayed and the writing was tightest.

However, I have to say that there are times when the prose encroaches on purple territory to the point where it hampered my enjoyment of the story. In particular, this part from the second section tripped and tore away the whole curtain on the way down:

Yet something, an inexorable force at the back of her mind, kept calling her here. That great open space, the air on every side, whispered in her head with a temptation as irresistible as hunger itself.

This could have been written in a more straight-forward way, but if it was simpler, it would not fit with the rest of the story – and that's what stood out. It did not have the effect of, 'Oh, this line is iffy on its own merits.' Instead, it rung some primal alarm bell in the back of my mind that said, 'Hey, wait a minute... Is inexorable useful as a descriptor when exploring the mindset of a bird in flight, or is it more of an authorial indulgence?'

And then I realised that the whole piece was like this.

The First and the Last attempts to 'elevate' a mundane event (ie. a bird getting the chomp) and in doing so, it fails to justify its own existence. The twisting chronological jumps make this a difficult piece to parse, just for the sake of it. The florid prose, even the parts I appreciated for its wordplay, is not in service to the protagonist's journey but to the literariness of the piece. There are clear themes and motifs – nature is metal, the circle of life, laws of physics – but these are told directly to us by the text as if in the fear that they would go unnoticed in a sea of verbosity.

Most importantly, the 3rd person limited POV would place us perfectly to explore what it is to be the bird in her last moments through 'her tiny brain', but the author has too many linguistic flourishes for those moments to read as convincingly hers.

I am perhaps being more harsh on this piece because it is more advanced from a technical perspective. It is a good entry – in many if not most ways, probably the best of the three. You should be definitely proud of this one. However, the juxtaposition between style and content makes it a frustrating read for me, like it's less of a cohesive story and more of a creative writing exercise for a workshop.

If any of that at all comes across as harsh, I apologise. Tone is hard on the internet. Writing for an audience (worse, a competition) is one of the most difficult things to do, and trust me when I say that I appreciate all of the stories up for consideration for the creativity on display and the obvious hard work put into them. Good work, everyone!

My Vote

Despite its technical flaws, I want to vote for the entry that makes me feel something. To that end, I think The Sky-sailer has to be it. There were grammatical errors and a straight-forwardness to the writing, yes, but the interaction between the characters had me saying, 'oh, that's sweet!' on more than one occasion. It's the piece which has the most potential –– some of it untapped –– and I appreciate the ambition.

My vote goes to The Sky-sailer.

^{In case I have to tag you for it to count: @Calle.}

Feeling ignored. Part 2.

As an aside, I don't think it is helpful (or safe) for a minor to hide their age in their 1x1 interest checks to potentially get more activity, as some people in this thread have advocated for. The actual number may not be necessary, but a heads up like, "I am under the age of 18" is appreciated – and it's not just an internet security, cover-your-ass thing.

In my opinion, hiding it would be disrespectful to potential partners who may have personal boundaries about not roleplaying with minors. They may not want to roleplay adult themes (not necessarily sexual things, but topics like addiction, violence, other dark story elements) with someone under the age of 18. That is fine – it is their prerogative to have limits on who they want to tell stories with.

They also may not want to roleplay with someone under the age of 18, period. That's also fine. They are allowed to want to write with someone who is on equal footing, with similar life experience and maturity, regardless of topic or genre. Considering that roleplaying is a social hobby that often leads to internet friendships that last long after a thread dies, it is not at all wrong that people should want those potential friendships to be with people in their own age bracket.

Calling it age discrimination is ignoring the potentially-valid feelings of the person on the other side of the screen. Key word being person. They would be fully within their rights to drop anyway if they do find out you're underage, so it may save everyone time and effort to be upfront about it.

Trying to mislead someone into roleplaying with someone they would otherwise be uncomfortable writing with (if they knew the full circumstances) might be something a lot of us did as shitty teenagers on the internet, but... was it good of us to do that? Looking back, probably not.

Cockroach Clusters

Cockroach Clusters

Tao

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██████████████████████ ████████████████ T A O   T A O ████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████ ███████████████████████████ Thirty | ♂ | Air Nomad   Thirty | ♂ | Air Nomad "It does not do well to dwell on the past and grow sick in the spirit." ████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████ ███████████████████████████ Bending   Bending Formerly of the Southern Air Temple, Tao made it through fifteen tiers of airbending on the way to mastery before he abandoned his people's lifestyle and hit the road. His bending potential has atrophied in the years since; of those fifteen techniques, he can use the typical evasive and defensive maneuvers but not much else, at least not without advanced preparation, practice, and a dash of luck. On the other hand, Tao had an unusually strong connection to spirits as an adolescent and retains that ability today – much to his relief. He can guide others into the spirit world through meditation and as well as enter it himself, though the tumultuous nature of his own heart can make the entry... problematic. ████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████ ███████████████████████████ Skills   Skills Philosophy & Spiritualism Tao's thirst for knowledge about spirits and the Spirit World has resulted in first-hand experience of how they live and work alongside the mortal world. To fund his lifestyle, he sells his services as an expert who knows how to settle a dispute with things you can't see (real or otherwise). Professional Xenophile Having traveled across the Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom, and encountered Water Tribe members in the past, Tao is a worldly sort with a lot of cultural and geographical knowledge of the various peoples who inhabit the world. Self-Defense The best defense is running away, but having a staff and knowing how to use it doesn't hurt, either. ████████████████████████████████████████ ████████████████ ███████████████████████████ Weaknesses   Weaknesses Hypocrisy Tao doesn't practice what he preaches, because what he preaches is Air Nomad enlightenment, and he is far from enlightened. He might teach that relaxing one's hold on their earthly ties is a noble pursuit, but he would never in a million years follow his own advice. He might say that vengeance is wrong, but... Fading Airbending At some point in the not-so-distant future, Tao knows that he will lose his airbending to the turmoil that simmers within him. He has made his peace with it (or so he thinks) but can one ever grow at peace with losing the equivalent of a limb? At the Bottom of the Cup Tao is a bit of a lush. As far as vices go, he's far from unusual, though perhaps a life among the Air Nomads did not prepare him for the excess of it.

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Biography  

Biography

Born into the Air Nomads, Tao and his brother, Tseten, had the gift of airbending, but more unusually, a shared talent for seeing and interacting with spirits years prior to their induction into the Southern Air Temple. Tao's younger years were spent chasing phantom fireflies and being teased by small, rabbit-like creatures that nobody else could see except for his brother. When they did become monks, the childlike wonder faded but the innate ability never did. One of the first things Tao learned was respect for the spirits – respect, and a healthy degree of fear. Stories of dark things that stole away children in the night were not uncommon when the older boys tried to frighten the younger ones. Tao was a decent student, more prone to mischief than working hard and constantly in the shadow of Tseten, who tore through the path to mastery at a breakneck pace. Tao was content to take the scenic route, to enjoy his time on the earth, and only rebelled against the teachings of his mentors a little bit. This changed only when tragedy stuck as he was leaving his adolescence behind, when Tseten, the night before he was due to receive his arrows, disappeared. The only clues were a dead sky-bison, a shattered glider, and deep gouges in the temple stone like no animal that existed in the physical world. Within the next three years monastic life began to chafe at him worse than it ever had before. There were only so many times Tao could hear a monk quote that old adage to him without tearing his hear out in frustration. "Revenge is like a two-headed rat-viper. While you watch your enemy go down, you're being poisoned yourself," they parroted. But it wasn't their family that had been torn apart by a spirit –– it wasn't their brother that they would never see again –– so what did they know? Distracted from his training and distanced from his peers, it came as no surprise (to Tao at least) that one day he flew out of the Air Temple on his glider to never return. He set down first in the Earth Kingdom. Earthbenders understood the meaning of an "eye for an eye", and if they didn't, at least they didn't lecture him on it. Much of the next decade was spent adapting to a life away from the temples. There, the needs of the many were taken care of through the community, and communal living meant nobody was left alone with their thoughts for long. Outside, Tao had to quickly adjust to having nothing provided for him but the clothes on his back in a world that cared only for the individual. Mostly, he paid his way offering his services as someone who knew a lot about spirits, which was unsurprisingly rare in non-benders. And because it was so rare, if he could exaggerate the effort needed to talk a gopher spirit out of eating up all the fields, he did. In the Earth Kingdom, he learned a lot about how and where the spirits interacted with the world in practice, not just in dusty scrolls. At the end of a journey towards and through the tempestuous Fire Islands to reach Caldera City, as always in search of knowledge of one spirit in particular, he found it. The name of the spirit. Heba. The Sky-Eater. Two things stand in the way between Tao and his heart's desire, which is to put an end to the malevolent creature that stole his brother away from him. The first is that although he knows the Sky-Eater is the spirit who vanished Tseten away without a trace, he is not sure of what or where it is. Ten years of searching and studying has yielded one lead; the name of a spirit that may know more answers: Wan Shi Tong. To that end, he has travelled to Si Wong City to advance his own interests. The other problem is not so easily solved. Even if he could find the spirit and find its realm within the Spirit World, he wouldn't be able to bend there (or at all, even if it were in the physical world). Finding a way to defeat it once and for all would require cunning or trickery he does not possess, or the help of a different spirit–– Or the Avatar. Perhaps it is a pipe-dream, but Tao does believe that the Avatar exists out there. The Avatar Spirit can't just disappear. If he could find them and help them on whatever their quest for spiritual enlightenment may be, there is a chance that they may be willing to help with his selfish goals. To adjudicate the conflict between him the spirit. To kill it.

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Supporting Cast  

Supporting Cast

................	....................................................... A knowledge seeker that Tao is trying to stalk (and befriend) to find the library of Wan Shi Tong.	....................................................... Kiya is a matronly innkeeper who Tao works for to pay for his room, keeping away mischievous spirits.	....................................................... Tao's 'white whale'; the spirit Heba, also known as the Sky Eater, who killed his brother.	................

Cockroach Clusters

P   P	L   L	A   A	C   C	E   E	H   H	O   O	L   L	D   D	E   E	R   R

Questionable Cartography [Inkarnate Creations and More+]

For Beyond the Wall and Other Adventures (2018-Present)

Questionable Cartography [Inkarnate Creations and More+]

For Beyond the Wall and Other Adventures (2018-Present)

Questionable Cartography [Inkarnate Creations and More+]

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Questionable Cartography
Questionable Cartography

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_{^{Maps and Other Illustrative Things}}

Welcome one and all to the other dump. I have an Inkarnate Pro subscription and there was a brief time when all I did was make maps in my free time. These were mostly for my tabletop group, and a few were just playing around in Photoshop or Pixlr. Bespoke GIFs may also turn up here.	▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅ Index Index I. Map of Ravensley II. Map of Strathearn III. Unnamed City Map ....................................................................................................

Sentaku

ON HIS WAY TOWARDS IZA, SQUAD 1, AND THE GOONS

Abandoned by his team in unfriendly territory – territory called the Forest of the Death no less – should be something to feel scared about. Or, if not scared (because he was a fearless ninja of Konoha and only civilians felt fear) then at least rightfully, understandably apprehensive of the dangers. Around every tree there could be an enemy combatant. In every bush, an enemy combatant. Every fallen log? Enemy combatant.

But the dangers that could lie ahead of him weren't what Mori was thinking about. In fact, he thought about nothing at all as he alighted to the top branches of the trees to minimize risk and maximize sight lines. He was as the leaf on the still pond: serene.

He had a job to do, and that was to make sure his teammates got to the finish line alive, but more importantly, with the scrolls. Since Karu had theirs he couldn't safeguard the one they started with. If he lost it, he lost it. And there was a greater than fifty percent chance he would lose it, knowing the big dumb hero instinct in his friend overpowered any sliver of wisdom––

Serene, Mori interrupted, stamping down on the annoyance that bubbled up inside him like the fizz in a can of juice. There was no use in making unnecessary predictions, and he could only control the present. And right now, he could only watch and observe.

Down on the forest floor below, a party of three Suna-nin gathered by a fallen opponent, rifling through the unconscious-or-dead ninja's belongings. When they found a scroll, it was unfortunately the same colour as the one Karu held, and evidently the same one as their team's. For a moment, it looked as if the ninja was going to leave it there, but at the last second he passed it off to his teammate in the back, who stowed it away in a bag filled with blank scrolls and left behind an obvious decoy on the body.

Now there was an idea.

When the trio left, conversing in whispers too low to overhear (unlike some people he knew) Mori dropped from the tree he was crouched in, swooped up the decoy and then scampered back into the safety of the canopy in one smooth motion. Beneath his fingers, the paper felt cheap and the seal was only the correct shade if one was colourblind, as if they had been hastily constructed from preexisting supplies.

Nevertheless, he was sure some rube could be fooled by it. Once he slid it into his backpack, he began to move again. Maybe there was even space in it to hide an exploding tag – but that would have to wait until Team 3 was reunited.

Iza had flounced off far ahead of them in the opposite direction to their other teammate, and it was all Mori could do to keep up after his temporary detour. One tree at a time, careful and cautious, expecting an ambush around every corner. His connection to the Princess stretched with the added distance between himself and Karu.

When the trees began to thin out, He returned to the forest floor, following trampled twigs and footprints in the moss. One set of bootprints, then three more in varying sizes. There was no way to know for sure whether or not it was his teammate, but with an educated guess knowing what she was like, he was convinced enough to follow them further.

Drops of red in the undergrowth, and the quiet sounds of a scuffle ahead.

Mori doubled his pace.