Sini

[Deep Core, 6 ATC 4] Mission: Harvest Moon

So far the active roster is an intelligence officer, a Mando under the aegis of Embrus, and a cybercommando.

Any other takers? I see no Republic reps so far!

[Denied] Mylar LuSan - Inquisitor of Esoteric Study

Me asking another GM to take over the review process was conditional on you thinking it was personal. You have stated it was not, and so there is no reason to. I assure you that for me this is a matter of principle.

I regret that you do not seem to take the GM-role seriously. You taking a liking to one GM or other is not a valid reason to dismiss a review. Sometimes you need to get along with people you are not fond of. You don't get to pick.

As such, my review above will stand. I look forward to a constructive response.

[Denied] Mylar LuSan - Inquisitor of Esoteric Study

Before starting the review, I would like to express my disappointment in not having received an apology or gesture of amends. I think that, going forward, it would be most welcome and appropriate. After all, I believe it would demonstrate maturity and respect not just to me as a person but to the role I have as Persistent Galaxy Staff.

That said, let's get to the review!

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LuSan:

A quick reminder on the spelling of her name is in order so it’s on this character sheet’s record as well. I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.

The subject possesses a 'bubbly' personality, carefree disposition, and lackadaisical demeanor that are all unbecoming of the Sith. Judging by appearances alone one could easily mistake her for just another exotic entertainer but should do so at their own peril.

This doesn’t mesh well with how you describe her life’s story and how she evolved as a character. She’s been sold as a child into bondage, then she was trained by a dominatrix no less. She spent her earliest formative years as a Hutt entertainment slave, which to me seems you’re alluding to child or teen sex-slavery. I’m all for such a dark and depraved background. Something truly horrific shaped her which I would imagine haunts her. It is something she cannot shake and keeps pulling her back to the darkness. But that is not what is written here. Suddenly she’s saved by the Jedi only for her to run away after encountering a Sith. She survived the Korriban Academy and now works under Nyiss. This is a heavy backstory! How did she manage to hold onto her personality? Or, how – in light of all this - did she develop a bubbly, carefree disposition?

Therese "Tinker" Thompson - fellow 'free' slave. This rifleman hunted down the Inquisitor to settle old scores.

Minor, but I suggest you pick a different word than ‘rifleman’ to refer to her. Why does Therese accept Mylar as her owner?

Slugthrower

I get the feeling you based it on anti-tank rifles from WW II. However, the way you describe it is a tad illogical (with the scope on an explosive gun and such). Tone it down from an anti-vehicle weapon to a projectile rifle. There is little evidence slugthrowers were anti-armor (vehicular) anyway, and it doesn’t work with Tinker’s designation as a carabineer.

The Dynamic-class Freighter

I get that you like the Ebon Hawk, but again I’d like to point out to you that "Dynamic-class starships were rare throughout the galaxy as only one ship was produced at a time." and "Following a corporate reorganization, the Transel-based subsidiary was granted ongoing funding but a lack of oversight which allowed the continued production of a single Dynamic-class freighter at a time." A newer model is already in use, so the Dynamic is no longer being produced, and there were not many to begin with. Working (spare) parts are logically in short supply. My suggestion is pick a different unaffiliated or Sith-flavoured ship.

The LuSan-family estate

You make it sound overly important. Planets are vital points for the Outer Rim supply chain, a single estate would not be. Change it from Outer Rim to planetary importance to make more sense.

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Interview

This entire segment has several issues:

Before her time, the subject's parents were born of a life of luxury predicated on exploiting the weak to build a agricultural empire on the their homeworld of Mirial. That all changed with the Sith invaded. They were forced to abandon their estate and join the teaming masses of refugees that flocked toward the galactic center. Initially, their wealth allowed them to book passage on one of the many transports packed in with other refugees. It even afford them some semblance of opulence during the early years of the war.

Born of -> born in
A agricultural -> an agricultural
On the their -> on their
That all changed with the sith invaded -> changed when / changed with the sith invasion
Teaming -> teeming
It even afford -> afforded
Some semblance -> a semblance (some is already “in” semblance)

Mirial sided with the Empire early on. Why did her folks run? Why did they leave? Why did they not join the Empire? Their estate would have been a good bargaining chip.

As money dwindled, and travel became more difficult, the they attempted to return to their roots. Collecting the last of their savings they made one last pilgrimage back to the outer rim. But rather than return to the Sith controlled Mirial, they ventured to the Corellian Run--a strip of space rife with planets in need of agricultural import. They even had a daughter in this time. Just as they were on the verge of making their dream a reality, they fell victim to a scam when trying to acquiring the equipment needed to restart their business and lost the remainder of their fortune. The duo was forced to abandon their ambitions and sold their daughter to Hutt Cartel in order to afford passage back to the Republic.

The they -> they
Pilgrimage -> pick a different word, because this implies it was intentionally temporary.
To Hutt Cartel -> to the Hutt Cartel

You say they had a daughter while active on the Corellian Run, but only state she was taken to Ryloth after. Therefore it seems as if Ryloth is not her place of birth. The chronology between the second and third paragraphs regarding this is a bit off, or too unspecified. Also, it sounds like they were ok to sell off their daughter. Was this the case? Did they fight it? Why did they give up their child to return to the Republic?

There was hope she may develop the buxom assets of her mother as she aged, but something else awoke in her instead. The force.

The tense and subsequent structure are wrong in this one.

The more the Jedi to assuage her of these feelings the more they grew. The subject claims that she was dutiful, though, and even passed the Jedi version of the Trials. That she was able to explain away her feelings, and push them aside in the name of survival. She was bestowed the rank of Padawan and taken by a master. Her training was frequently held in the field on medical relief missions. In one such mission the applicant reports she encounter the Sith, and a small window into their way of life.

The more the jedi to assuage -> a verb is missing here
She encounter -> wrong tense
Encounter the sith, and a small window into […] -> that dependent clause is incomplete as your referral to ‘encounter’ doesn’t work with ‘small window’. I suggest ‘was afforded a glimpse into’ or ‘given a small window’ or some such.

What mission are you speaking of? When was this? You say she’s 23 now, that means she would have been around 16 or 17 when the war ended.

Prior to that encounter the subject states that she had only known them as "boogieman of the Dark Side". A cautionary tale against force users indulging in the proclivities her life prior to the Jedi had been built to facilitate. Though she completed that mission of mercy it would be her last. With no access to Sith literature and, for the first time, a burning desire for something other than mere survival, she made a choice. The subject reports that she absconded in the night with her master's lightsaber, as well as what few precious materials available to her, and stowed away in a transport to escape the system.

“boogieman of the Dark Side” -> “the boogiemen”. This would most definitely not have been the case. The Galaxy has been at war for over two decades. Jedi would portray the Sith as the true enemy, the greatest menace. Some would even call them evil incarnate. Calling them the “boogiemen” is a gross understatement.
The last sentence of this paragraph is a bit run-on. Try chopping it up in different parts to avoid convoluting conjugations.

The applicant claims to have allowed the force to be her guide as it directed her into contested territories, and by extension the hands of the Empire. So too, she claims, the force served as a beacon to the imperials she encountered. Mission logs report that they directed her to the academy on Koriban, and while the subject appends these reports stating "her first trial she was to make it there on her own".

Highly implausible. She’s a jedi runaway and therefore highly suspect. It would make far more sense for her to be subjected to rigorous interrogation, perhaps even torture, and passed onto a Darth to sense her intentions. She would not be allowed to go freely.

Once there, she presented her master's lightsaber as a gesture of intent, but reserved it as a gift for any potential master that may pick her once her trails were complete. The choice to allow this was a contentious one but the prevailing philosophy of 'might makes right' won out in the end.

That may pick her -> might have picked her
Why was that decision contentious?

In the end she managed to attract the eye of one of a Darth.

Rephrase this sentence.

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Conclusion:
I like this iteration of Mylar better. I'm happy to see some things have been taken to heart. It makes for a more rounded out backstory with less of the plot-holes the previous character sheet held. Try paying attention to syntax, spelling and verb tenses. These (and run-on sentences) sometimes make it needlessly difficult to understand what you write. Finally, Force and fighting techniques will be subjected to Ellri’s or SunderedEcho’s review.

[Approved] Sith Warrior Kutar Zema

Darth Shaq has one stamp.

[Approved] Captain Dev Arx, Human... Courier?

Interesting that you pulled in the Black Sun. Are you planning on doing something with them?

[Deep Core, 6 ATC 4] Mission: Harvest Moon

Is there a particular format you’d like for characters specific to this RP?

@Jackdaw

Tentatively interested with akkd0g_, if recruitment is desperate enough to pick up mercenary types for support roles.

@vFear

I think I can answer you both with in one go.

Because the transport is happening in the Deep Core with limited time and intel available to the Imperials, an ad hoc strike team is carrying out the mission:

"Due to the haste in which the strike team has been assembled, outside elements have been recruited to augment our forces. It is rag-tag, admittedly, but work with what you have."

I stipulated this so that we can include as wide a range of characters as is plausible. It is therefore open to a character you'd make just for this RP, or more permanent ones. So yes, mercenaries most certainly can join. A basic format would be name, age, species (the usual stuff) and then a description of appearance, character and bio.

[Withdrawn] Mylar LuSan, Inquisitor of Esoteric Philosophy

This is becoming a tiresome exercise. I'll try to keep it brief.

As I told you in discord.

A lot is said and told over Discord. Let's try to keep it in the thread for now.

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So, if they're not holding up the application, then can I get an "approved"?

No.

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It seems you might have a fundamental misunderstanding on what farming entails.

I do not. Yes, I know farming equipment is incredibly expensive. But since I am dealing with a fellow rustic and an expert on farming, I'm sure you'll agree that they cannot be away from their crops for a long time. Farming and trading have never been very compatible vocations (unless one can substitute labour, in which case the owners of the farm move away from farming and into trading). A farmer does not need a spaceship, as trading their produce would prohibit them from tending to their crops.

My 'nope' was to your claim that spaceships are ubiquitous. The vast majority of the Galaxy do not own one.

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On the whole I have tried pointing out where you need to elaborate, where you need to edit et cetera in order to make Mylar work. Several of what you call "plot-hooks" are lacking in information. It is as if you defend lacunae by throwing out "but it's a plot-hook!" or "it's implied". You have a tendency to just assume it is clear what you mean by reading between the lines. This is not the case. I have pointed out those instances. Nevertheless, my feedback has been consistently been negated or outright denied. You're free to disagree and explain why you do. You're not free to ignore GM feedback. I get the impression that you are being contentious.

Your PC is an interesting spin, and I quite like the idea of a non-combat oriented Sith. However, it is your attitude and explicit refusal to accept criticism that I take issue with. If this persists then you are not a good fit for the PG. You have an explanation for everything, which makes having a constructive process nigh impossible. Somehow I also feel that you are taking this personal, if that is the case then let us know and I will see to it that you are assigned a different GM. Perhaps the one you've been complaing to might be willing. Yes, the GM-team communicates. Yes, we read the chat. No, we do not get preferential treatment.

[Withdrawn] Mylar LuSan, Inquisitor of Esoteric Philosophy

The past tense of “to drag” is “dragged”, not “drug”.
It's not the past tense. It's the imperfect tense. The years had been, but continue to still be, dragging on. They drug on.

@LegionPothIX

Do you know why it's dragged here? Because to use a 'continuous imperfect', you use the Simple Past i.e.: they dragged on. I believe you might be confused because you think "to drag" is a strong/irregular verb. It ain't.

"Drug on" is still wrong. I teach English for a living. That does not make me infallible, but it does let me tell you what tense is wrong or not. Calling a tense imperfect simply means the action is not over yet. The imperfect form (which is a quirky thing in English, depending on if it's habitual or continuous) is then further defined in time (past - present - future). In this case it's the past.

Now, you still have a few options open. Either you go with the progressive action and write "they were dragging on", but that just doesn't sound right, does it? That is because the verb "to drag" expresses a state and progressive aspect itself already. We can therefore ommit the simple past of "to be" and go straight to the simple past of "to drag".

Even if it was habitual and not continuous, the simple past would still be used.

The past simple form of "to drag" is "dragged". Use it.

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"As a result Mylar has developed a form of kleptomania that, so long as she nothing important gets caught in her sticky-fingers, has gone largely overlooked by the Sith whom trained her."

"As a result Mylar has developed a form of kleptomania that has gone largely overlooked by the Sith whom trained her."

It's a clarifying interjection. The sentence is correct as it is; with or without it.

"so long as she nothing important gets caught in her sticky-fingers." That word order and tense are incorrect, and a verb is missing or placed badly. Also it is "The Sith who trained her", not "whom". "Who" is the object of "Sith" and "to train", not a preposition. An easy trick is to try and substitute "who/whom" with he/she/they. If it works, you want "who".

The sentences are not correct as they are.

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There are a lot of things i intentionally left out of this character sheet, and even some of them I already discussed with other people. I did so for a reason and am aware what is missing. Believe me.

That's good! How am I supposed to know, though?

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By your own admission this point is not relevant and should not be here.

What? Two things: 1) I don't appreciate you making and sharing screenshots of a DM conversation without asking me. I repeated my reservations and reasoning here because I wanted to publicly state them on the forum. See how it is practically the same feedback as I provided you in private? However, without a picture (small as it is) of my face. 2) A character's name and spelling are very relevant to approval.

Regardless or not if it is directly linked to approval, it features in the feedback process. The faulty grammar and spelling for instance are also not immediately tied to denial but I/we still point them out.

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One functioning lightsaber. While she has the other saber in her possession, she obviously doesn't take it into combat, or wear it around on display. It's broken. It's named "Broken". I go in detail about how broken it is, in what ways it is broken, who broke it, and why it is broken. Accompanies is a general term to suggest where she goes it goes, but doesn't necessitate it be on her person in the same way.

I know. The ambiguity is what bothered me. Just as you say that "to accompany" does not necessitate it being on her person, it can be.

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Spaceships are a general commodity.

Sci-fi or not: nope.

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Compliance and obedience are not innate traits in prisoners. Ryloth was nearby, and is world renowned for its slave trade (and by consequence its slave trainers).

Why not hit them with a big stick, fix electric collars and put them to work on a field? They were farmers. People want to survive, and quickly acquiesce when rebellion is met with violence and pain. My question, though, was why did they need to be trained? As what?

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That is the contextual implication.

Make it 'textual'.

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It's intentionally unclear because it's a plot hook. I have numerous plot hooks in this character sheet.

Make them clear.

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Short answer: the code is philosophy. It is not alignment. Long answer: I had a detailed conversation about this with Jedi Master Heat. It's how Imposter Syndrome works. It's a very interesting malady and I highly recommend you look it up.

So is Hakuna Matata. Again, I was not part of that conversation. I'm fine with the explanation but, yet again, include it in your sheet. Also explain how she got her hands on this highly volatile material without supervision. A padawan reading the Sith Codes is a big, big red flag.

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For the same reason we teach math, and against the same prevailing sentiments. Psychological warfare is a staple of the empire and that doesn't happen by accident.

So it IS taken seriously!

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Both fear, and respect, are states of mind. As such they require continuous upkeep and maintenance. This is not something that Calhound puts the effort into.

Sure, on a personal level. His person, however, still represents an institution. I was not frightened by my university professors, but them simply having the PhD. is something I found respectable and perhaps a tad intimidating. In fact, it is only when you know them personally that the general prejudice falls away and you either stop fearing them or fear them even more. Short story: any Sith Lord is at least somewhat feared by those lower on the food chain.

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The [Dynamic-class freighter's] parts are readily accessible.

Except they're not: "Dynamic-class starships were rare throughout the galaxy as only one ship was produced at a time." and "Following a corporate reorganization, the Transel-based subsidiary was granted ongoing funding but a lack of oversight which allowed the continued production of a single Dynamic-class freighter at a time." A newer model is already in use, so the Dynamic is no longer being produced, and there were not many to begin with. Working (spare) parts are logically in short supply. My suggestion is pick a different unaffiliated or Sith-flavoured ship.

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That was the point. It's stolen. From the Hutts. Again, it's another plot hook.

Again, specify or elaborate.

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Your argument supposes that said tattoos are of personal importance to Mylar--that they mean anything--or even that she got them herself. As they a staple of Mirialan society, any Mirialan slave would be expected to have them, and would be given them accordingly. You'll note her accentuation of the tattoos is to bring them in-line with her costumes. I thought implication was clear. The tattoos themselves are part of her "costume" as a slave. They are branding anchoring her to her sense of self as defined by her past as a slave.

So they are slave tattoos chosen by an overlord and not Mirialan tattoos.

[Withdrawn] Aria Saal, Sith Apprentice

May the Force be with you, always.

[Withdrawn] Mylar LuSan, Inquisitor of Esoteric Philosophy

I have tried to keep my remarks analogic with the order in which they appeared in your sheet. Some general remarks: avoid run-on sentences and add in age specifications in her bio. How old was she approximately when she was enslaved, discovered by the Jedi, switched sides,…?

Regarding the spelling of her name:
I dislike the style. It looks like a company name to me (like SoroSuub). I do not hold it against the character or your sheet. It is a sufficiently grey area and not grounds for a denial. That said, I believe you are better off basing yourself on the known Mirialan names. A few quick examples are Arwen Cohl, Kixiaralu, Jana Lorso, Luminara Unduli, Hylo Visz and Zeven.

Reference Description:
In her attire description you say she only has one lightsabre, but later down you mention a second.

What do you mean by “her wardrobe theremin”? A theremin is an electrical instrument.

One of your reference image links is broken.

Infancy:
How did “simple farmers” afford a ship? Where did they get it? Why would they need one? Why would they not just sell whatever crops they raised to a trader or firm?

The past tense of “to drag” is “dragged”, not “drug”.

Why did they need training? Why Ryloth?

Early Childhood:
The entire first paragraph conflicts with what you wrote about Mylar’s infancy. First you say they failed payment on a loan, which allows their Hutt creditor to clap them in irons and then take them to Ryloth to be trained as slaves. And here you say they were shot down over Ryloth. Was this a failed escape attempt?

When did her parents die? How? It's unclear if they lived on but were unable to pay off their debt, or if they were killed because of that crash.

Teens:
How come they didn’t find out her growing obsession with the Sith Code?

Adulthood:
“Gall”, not “gal”.

Trinkets and totems:
Last paragraph’s last sentence is botched.

Traits:
Eschilon -> echelon. Also, what echelon?

Lord Calhound
Colleges -> colleagues

Why would philosophy be taught at Korriban if the prevalent opinion is so that nobody takes it seriously? Furthermore, even if Calhound is rather unimpressive, he is still a high-ranking personage. A healthy amount of fear ought to be expected, certainly from students/acolytes.

Reread the two last paragraphs for typos and incongruent conjugations and tenses.

Therese:
“Shipwright”, not “shipwrite”.

“Refining down” – What does that mean?

Dynamic-class freighter:
Why settle for this model and not something newer? Why stick to it after forcibly recruiting Therese? It being a piece of junk but possessing state of the art components seems like a contradiction. Also, Mk. 2 hyperdrive is quite high-end, a bit too high-end for this thing, I’d say.

Tattoos & Heritage:
“A Mirialan would place a unique, often geometrically repeated tattoo on their face and hands to signify that they had completed a certain test or task, or achieved sufficient aptitude for a certain skill. The number of tattoos would thus often act as a good indicator of how mature and/or skilled a Mirialan was. Because the more markings brought about a form of status.” – from Wookiepedia

You describe her tattoos. They are an integral part of Mirialan society. In fact, there was an entire lexicon about these. However, Mylar grew up outside of Mirialan society. How did she get her tattoos? What do they mean? Does she even know what they represent? Why would she bother getting them?