Syben

The Dust: Relaunch

@SimplyJohn I like the alternative phrasing, no confusion there. It should still be amended though, as that is what I believe @Arcanaut was going for.

The Dust: Relaunch

@Shotgun Bear Do keep in mind that I am abrasive-- I say things directly and without filter, I do not intend to be rude or dickish.

Now, lets begin.

Appearance:

That reference picture is for the garb she wears yes? ... Because it's entirely ridiculous (not to sound harsh) for the kind of world we live it. I have a tendency to stray away from characters who don't wear pants, honestly. The stereotype guild rule, born before the fall, "No Mary Sues" means you should create a sensible character for the world you're in. It's a cool picture, yes, but inappropriate for a desert wasteland with the hot desert sun bearing down on you all day. I do have some leniency, meaning not everybody has to wrap up like a middle eastern dweller, but what you have is a bit much.

That physical disability I don't feel is justified, I mean, why? I remember skimming over your CS, and I'm sure I will get to this further down, as I read in stages between critiquing, and I remember something about the heat and friction making a lot of clothes unbearably hot. But, Technical Question, if her skin vibrates/resonates at a temperature hot enough to cauterize her skin would that not cook her clothes off very rapidly, let alone set them aflame? Also there is some slight differentiation on cauterization temperatures, like between a paper cut and a stump. I won't mention all the medical shit like large arteries being cauterized because the lax side of me doesn't care to get that technical.

Backstory

"She felt her bones move. She felt every splinter mesh and crack and force itself together" -- How? She's magnetic not kinetic, and I don't believe manipulating her own magnetic field, the small one generated by her body, the incredibly, utterly, tiny one, would produce this effect. I won't talk about the "heat" factor here, we'll get to that.

Gear

Chutney-- Nothing really wrong here, but I don't have a clearly "painted" picture of what it looks like, just what compromises it. Also.. what the fuck is it? Is it a car? A weapon? Charge time? what o.o?

Scarf: What foreign matter? Just dust in general, or is it supposed to keep her from attracting forks to her body, and etc?

Powers and Technical Questions
[Please be aware of the difference between Magnetism Manipulation, Bio-organic Magnetism, And Electromagnetism Manipulation.]

I don't understand the concept of "hot-freeze a cloud solid". Please elaborate.

She can pull non-magnetic objects using their ...magnetic field, to an object (with a strong magnetic field I assume). Doesn't quite make sense to me. I would stick to metals, ores, lodestones, and natural or metallic components, I'll discuss this more below; otherwise your character will become overly complicated to the point of being declined. Do keep in mind that things like glass, wood, or plastic will not be affected, but I'm sure you know that.

I believe Magnetism and "Frictional Force" are not exactly one in the same. You want her to be able to cauterize her wounds, by having this passive heat on her body constantly from what I assume is the disturbance of her phenomena affecting her own magnetic field, causing kinetic friction and enough heat to produce the intended effect. But, as above, Bio-organic magnetism is another thing entirely and would allow a very powerful control of organic things-- such as people-- such as crushing them into a ball, which I cannot allow, as the only real use of that is basically instant killing things or deadlocking them in a contest of will. However, I am not outright denying this power, I would like you to defend it and try to explain the why's and how's to make this seem reasonable.

I see the part now, about her own unstable magnetic field, which would indeed cause a degree of heat on the exterior of her body. Hot enough to cauterize wounds? ... and her eyes? Sear her tongue? And all the lovely other external fleshy bits? Also, having this heat passively present would be like continually cauterizing somebody's entire body, which would basically just eventually burn her away as she suffers a certain degree of burn damage, then cauterization, then burn damage-- basically burning alive very, very slowly. Also, did you just state she has a raging fire in her core?

"Fucking Magnets" are you saying that when she touches something that is affected by her magnetism, it will automatically tear itself apart? Why? Magnetism is just attraction, and with something as small as a gun it should just be strongly attracted to her hand, unless her own unstable field creates a torrential whirlpool of varying degrees of attraction in a very close proximity (physical contact) to which it would affect the gun in such a way as to tear it apart? Also, trying to magnetically attract something with a large mass, balanced against its resistance to velocity, she would probably tear it apart. But in all of this, because of the gun-factor, how can you justify her driving a car without it breaking apart?

The Dust: Relaunch

@Shotgun Bear Ah, I will do yours next then.

The Dust: Relaunch

@Arcanaut If you're going to take tips as somebody being dickish, then we're going to have a problem. Yes, I understand the point you were conveying, but I did not state you had to change it, and I was not rude about it. Do not mistake rudeness for a synonym of abrasiveness. I merely suggest wording it differently to provide a clearer understanding, without factually stating that- as it appears- in any given situation in a room full of people, regardless of other factors, he could fight his way out. It was a writing tip, not a dickish remark, chill.

"Muh Honor- While he isn't always challenging people these days, when Roland is directly challenged by another person he will refuse to back down no matter how bad the odds are. At other times his personal code may cause him to be needlessly reckless such as not using his powers to incapacitate someone, or, letting someone live when there's a chance they may comeback for revenge."

I think my confusion here was perhaps the lack of the red commas? The clarification I was looking for was the interpretation of his recklessness, because it is stating "such as not using his powers to incapacitate someone" which means that he does not use his powers to prohibit their ability to combat him, suggesting that he kills them and that murderous tendency is what is reckless about him. Then you go on to say "or (modifier: not--letting someone live when there's a chance they may comeback for revenge." which is modified by the previously stated, "not", as I placed in red there. Point being there is that it is reckless in some way because he does -not- let them live?

That was were my confusion was at there, that single little word just threw me off entirely. Because there is no comma to seperate the two independant clauses, the "or" builds a distinction between them, modified by the "not", implying that his recklessness was caused by "not" doing either of those actions. Commas are important bruh Q_Q

Also, thank you for your concern, I am quite well rested now.

The Dust: Relaunch

@Shotgun Bear Absolutely, as soon as I get to it. You're either first on the list, or next, I can't remember if there was a CS I need to read before yours. Please hang around a bit, if you can. =)

The Dust: Relaunch

Go time. Expect Reviews.

The Dust: Relaunch

Offense 4- Here I'm having some confusion, as when I consulted you via PM you said this was perfectly fine. I'll clarify that he was holding his guts in with his powers but I'll change it to someone else saving him. I guess I'll remove the crow?

Armor:This is a fair assessment; the telekinesis shouldn't be considered armor. Bit confused about the need to move it, but you're the boss.

Abilities:

• Offense 2- Would he thought? It's not like he's taking apart a gun by the screws, he's just breaking it. If you believe it's going to be an issue I'll remove it though.
• Offense 4- I'm not sure what your problem is here. Have I offended you in some way?
• Offense 5- Perfectly fine with that.

@Arcanaut

Backstory: O4: To be fair, as I stated, in the past four days I slept a maximum of ten hours. Though it is a two way street, as you should think about the reality of what you're writing.

Armor: Armor Reference Pictures should go in the Armor area, so I don't have to scroll up to match it to the description. If it is not an armor reference picture, then put it where is should go, or leave it as is. If appearance and armor use the same reference picture, then it's not that big of a deal for it to just be in appearance. This was intended for specific references to armor, and less on the face, etc.

Abilities:
O2: If he's using brute force then, well, anybody can do that. The way that I perceived it as him being able to manipulate anything without any prior knowledge to how it works. A complicated puzzle lock for instance, you can't just break. Thus where I said it is possible, but only with prior experience of knowledge of the device to manipulate. Brute force is well, a given.

O4(?): Are you referring to the (tip) as in, hey here's a suggestion? Or the part where I asked for clarification? Both are kind of straightforward.

@ShotGun Bear I will get to your CS tomorrow, as I likely will not have the time tonight. I have to work early, which is why I've had such irregular sleeping patterns (To you- Arc- in case you're reading this, which you likely are.) so I can get to work with some sleep and not be late because chronic insomniac yay. Tomorrow, but from what I read so far I like the concept, I have a few technical questions, also be aware that your character will be unable to draw from the magnetic fields of earth or people, but bullets? Eh, whatever, I don't care about the technicalities of stopping them, but I'd rather not have the character be able to send them back to their prior owners, so just stopping them is fine.

You can PM me if you want, but I'd like to know more about the direction of your character; how you intend her use in combat situations like a gunfight, and how she can affect that, etc. The regenerative magnetic healing cauterization is .. interesting.. but to have that level of heat constantly would leave her unable to touch anything without incinerating it, or wear clothes, so that may have to go.

Anyways more on that tomorrow~

The Dust: Relaunch

@Arcanaut The creature is good, I like it, I will add it when I get a chance. Eating right now and gotta go do lifey stuff though. Also replace "Yellow Zones" with "Sandy Dunes".

The Dust: Relaunch [Post Apoc, Superpowers, Shapeshifting, Creative Freedom]

As a Manifestation, yes, but not manipulation. It's a desert world and I cannot allow the manipulation of existing water or you character could single handedly kill everybody with a flick of his wrist. Those who manifestor their powers will be unable to function with their continual usage against those who manipulate, as manipulation puts a lesser amount of strain on the host. Just so you are aware.

Also in the rules, and key points there are two defining ones which cover the constraints you said:

And Immortal may never manipulate something directly inside anything organic being. (I should edit that to include manifest)

And The Immortal versus Immortal rule, basically stating that their powers are weaker, or lesser, against one another as opposed to a standard civilian/creature.

Post that CS in the new OOC and I will get around to it tonight, or tomorrow.

The Dust: Relaunch

@SirBeowulf Sir, that is a good name. I also don't feel that the blatantly rip-offed apes quite fit in my world. And for multiple other reasons, I hope you're no too sad at my denying them.

Also keep in mind that for the past three-four days I've had a total of 10 hours of sleep, or less, and I will be reevaluating your character sheet just to make sure I didn't gloss over something. No pressure though, I'm sure it's fine.