I just want to say thank you to anyone that has reviewed mine whether they were a judge or not. I under stand the punctuation errors and i will surely try to improve upon these errors and i appologise for the length of the scene as i have had writers block as all my current effort has gone into an entire short story im writing. so apologies for the length and the Errors and i hope next time i can actually beat the challenge
Kurai Assassin Edgelord
Member
Seen
2 yrs ago
Fair and square. The next one will be much stronger.
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
Banned
Seen
4 yrs ago
I'm about to head out right now, but I wanted to say thank you for the reviews and a HUGE thank you for putting this together. This was a lot of fun! I look forward to the next labor.
I think I forgot to allow my name to be used in the entry. On The Adversity of Death was my entry. I think I'll write my own reviews on each piece as well in the next few days because I have an abundance of free time except for this immediate moment!
I think I forgot to allow my name to be used in the entry. On The Adversity of Death was my entry. I think I'll write my own reviews on each piece as well in the next few days because I have an abundance of free time except for this immediate moment!
It's exactly how a meaningful zombie outbreak death SHOULD go. I think it might have been more compelling to see how it shouldn't -- there's tragedy but not a lot of irony (I'm using that word wrong, but it's the word that comes to mind). A little more outside-the-box, I guess, is what I'm thinking. The writing is fine (just fine -- could be better). You've focused entirely on the action when a lot of other things are going on -- okay, yes, he's running/limping away from the walking dead, but he's also realizing he's doomed, and that aspect could use a little more screen time.
Solid There's some awkward word choice sprinkled throughout.... phrases like 'The group he was a member of,' you know, probably just axe that when you proof-read and find another way to say it. And I was bumming a little bit at how much you used the word 'Give' in the fight -- it's a weird fighting word, and it shows up a lot! But the bigger focus is on how meaningless the effort was, and you nailed that. Bringing up all the failures in his last moments was a nice touch. Would've been simple to just let him realize 'oh crap I'm dead,' but the civilians make it hurt more. We could talk some technique on the fight scene if you want, but that's nitty-gritty and I'll save it for now -- but if you wanna have a conversation let me know, here or in PM, I have general thoughts on your approach.
Wow. Character, plot, emotion, etc. I couldn't even begin to think of how you could do any better there. Terrific piece. I will say though, you've got quite the comma infestation going on. It's the only weak point I can find, so I'll hammer it some more -- the sentence structure comes across as just plain sloppy when you tie thoughts together that way. Break out. Use periods. MAKE IT SO! And that's my only complaint. Delightfully tragic story.
Heh, so, uh, well that was me, and yeah........ bottom-of-the-barrel stuff compared to what I'm reading from everybody else. The take-away here, folks (and me), is that exposition is the lazy man's sport. What I meant to do was to tell the reader how the most painful part of dying was Anne's betrayal. What I actually did was cheapen the story beyond saving, by depriving the readers of a chance to get involved. Would the plot be as complex if I actually wrote the lead-in? Probably not -- there's just not enough time or space to get all that on paper. But it would've been better that way. Narrative trumps exposition every single time, and I needed this reminder to slap me back on course. I don't think the reviews were mean enough. BUT -- for the kind words about the part where I, you know, actually told a story, thanks, that does keep a light on at the end of the tunnel.
Damn that was good. Uh..... Yeah. Just spectacular. Part of me wants to complain about the jumpy flashbacks, but he's bleeding to death and you kinda expect some rattled brains. And everything mattered. It's...... well, it's fantastic, and I'm not sure what else I can say. Love how you tightened up the thoughts as the knife fell. Love the oblivion -- that really came through big time. I'm a little confused about the Master, but this wouldn't be your favorite character if there weren't a big story behind him, so I'll take your implicit word that he's a real character. Bravo.
Climatic ending to (I presume) an intense story. It's well done -- I get the final emotions and the dazed blur is effective at panicking me, too. I'm not crazy about the prevailing passive voice...... It's not necessarily wrong in this context, because it separates readers from the thing being described (We don't really need to be thinking too hard about the reconstruction having not started). But the one that kills me is the stabbing line -- you're mad, you're mad, that can't be passive, it just can't. Broughton made a fist around his sword and rammed it in Jack's intestines. That has to happen -- it can't just be happening. Especially not in first person. STILL -- as 'bad deaths' go, this is up there.
Now that's an ironically terrible way to die. I got a pretty strong impression of what the RP is about just from this story, and it sounds pretty sweet. Character-wise you captured her from a lot of angles and it's well done -- she's interesting, in the net and in the real world (and on the pavement). Here and there, the writing could be spruced-up -- there's a few places where you drop in a description of gear or MPs or glass, surround it with commas, and leave it for dead in the middle of a sentence. It works -- but it could work better. Those descriptions could be doing more..... How? Beats me, in this context. You know it better than me, and it's your fingers on the keys. Anyway, that was refreshingly understated and tragic. Just the pick-me-up I needed!
TBC -- I hate being this guy, but I don't have time at this current exact moment to finish the two longer entries. If I don't get to it in..... call it two days. If I don't get to them, someone please yell at me.
1x Thank
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
3 days ago
@mdk I had an easier time, I didn't have to read my own really long entry when it came to reviewing! XD
My apologies for that. Still, yeah. I'll look forward to seeing what you think of it. Because honestly... I'm confused.
Edit: @Dark Wind And your thoughts too, if you make it. Haha. Anyone's thoughts, really, but I'll stick to looking forward to those who said they'll write reviews. Hah.
My apologies for that. Still, yeah. I'll look forward to seeing what you think of it. Because honestly... I'm confused.
Edit: @Dark Wind And your thoughts too, if you make it. Haha. Anyone's thoughts, really, but I'll stick to looking forward to those who said they'll write reviews. Hah.
Psyga315 From Shadows
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
We could talk some technique on the fight scene if you want, but that's nitty-gritty and I'll save it for now -- but if you wanna have a conversation let me know, here or in PM, I have general thoughts on your approach.
Alright, I wouldn't mind.
And yeah, I wrote the story... Probably should have mentioned that in the PM, but meh, next entry.
<Snipped quote by mdk>
Alright, I wouldn't mind.
And yeah, I wrote the story... Probably should have mentioned that in the PM, but meh, next entry.
The thing that jumped out at me was 'names.' First when Nicholas is fighting the various monsters, we see the word 'Monster' pop up like a bunch of times (and also 'Slugger/sluggers'). Later, when Nicholas and Daishuryou are fighting, each of their names gets spelled out practically every sentence. Mind you -- the action is great. But it's written in such a way that the reader needs you to clarify who's stabbing which person at any given moment. And again -- you're covering that base so we don't wind up confused, and you're doing a fine job of that. The next level, according to some jerk on the internet, is to structure the writing so that you can use more pronouns, and the readers still don't wind up confused. There's a thousand ways to skin that cat. Me personally, I tighten up the sentences and shed a lot of details -- bad example I'm making up, I would almost always transform "John punched James in the chest, and James kicked John in the neck" into "They traded blows." When I do that, I'm simplifying the action a bit, and leaving a bit more to the reader's imagination, but I'm also skipping right ahead to the next sentence, and on the whole (if I do it right), the scene will flow faster and keep the pulse pounding just a little harder.
This isn't basic-level stuff -- this is the part where every writer has to do things their own way and find their own answer. If you try it my way, odds are, you'll hate it -- so don't try it my way. The point isn't to change your style, it's for you to start thinking about new ways to turn choreography into stylized writing. So you take something like:
As he realized it, Daishuryou found a chance and cut off Nicholas’ arm off. Before Nicholas had time to scream in pain, Daishuryou ran his sword through Nicholas.
That's all the steps to a pretty sweet dance. In theater it's called 'blocking:' person A goes to spot X while person B does Y. You can take those movements and turn them into a performance -- it's more than just getting the steps right, it's adding your own flavor. Maybe you pause for a reflection -- "Nicholas realized how hopeless the fight was. True enough, as that thought crossed his mind, a searing pain ripped through his arm, and before he even found the time to scream, Daishuryou's sword was hilt-deep in his chest." Maybe you play up some hardcore fighting technique instead -- "Nicholas had to be fast. He gambled on a parrying move -- and missed! He was no match for this foe, and he realized it too late. Daishuryou's inward cross-slash took his arm off at the elbow, and he was helpless. The finishing riposte came an instant later."
Really, anything. The goal is to treat action as a chance to show off your style. You can't do that until you've got good action -- and you have plenty of good action, communicated well. I think it's time for the next step.
1x Thank
Psyga315 From Shadows
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
Banned
Seen
4 yrs ago
As an update, I have now officially read every single entry. The start of reviews should come tomorrow when my brain is not fried. And well, exhausted from all the brutal and wonderfully bad ends for everyone involved.
EDIT: I'll be placing the reviews here.
I haven't officially written any reviews as of yet. But, I am starting as of this moment. Probably won't be in order. I'll just let you know. Okay. Cool.
REVIEW CHECKLIST: (Green means it has been reviewed)
ALL WORKS HAVE BEEN REVIEWED
EDIT: I'll be placing the reviews here.
I haven't officially written any reviews as of yet. But, I am starting as of this moment. Probably won't be in order. I'll just let you know. Okay. Cool.
REVIEW CHECKLIST: (Green means it has been reviewed)
ALL WORKS HAVE BEEN REVIEWED
From what has been said already, I'd have to say I agree. Generally speaking, that is. This is a post-apocalyptic death scene with zombies that I'd expect. How it should be, anyway. But, I can see how it didn't make it within the test parameters because it came off as too much of an attempt for a heroic death. Honestly, I was hoping the grenade would be a dud. That would make the ending so much worse for Damian. Too fast, too short. The action was solid. I can definitely see you writing some high quality action packed stories one day in the future. The potential is there and now you have to work on it. I only get the bare bones of what Damian might be like. I'm not invested in his friends getting killed behind him because I don't know them. I suppose that's not necessarily an utmost needed aspect for the prompt. HOWEVER, it's meant to be the death scene of your favorite character. It might have a lot of impact FOR YOU, but I needed it to have an impact for ME and the other readers.
Awkward sentence structure. Hey, happens to me plenty of times. It still does. Proofreading is key. And experience. Keep writing and one day you will find that the quality of your material consistently gets better. It happens, trust me. It's also a really AWESOME feeling! Ahem, anyway, back to the actual critique.
Terminal has already addressed your sentence structure, as has mdk and everyone else really. I'll take the quote from Terminal's review.
Perhaps something like: "Nicholas tried to put the glasses on but Daishuryou shattered them with a blast of green lightning." Just think about the ways you can make things more active and direct in terms of phrasing. That way you will avoid awkward and passive phrasing. In a fight, don't be passive.
But overall, you definitely passed. I like that Nicholas has a lot of pride. Sometimes you drift into telling us about his hubris. But you also showed it to us and that's always a good thing. Work on the phrasing of your battle sequences so they aren't dry. Consequences, stakes, character, dialogue, etc. Take into account all these things going in. Also, any reason for the "green" lightning specifically? I don't want to drift into the "blue curtain" argument, but I tend to think about every little thing when I write. Not that green has to MEAN anything like the state of mankind's soul lmao. It could just be that color due to their power or w/e. Or you don't have to address it at all. It's one of those questions I have and I'm interested by the answer.
Good start. Keep working. Edit. Colorful word choices in fights: USE THEM. Start using a thesaurus if you need to. I always recommend that.
Terminal has already addressed your sentence structure, as has mdk and everyone else really. I'll take the quote from Terminal's review.
Before he could put the glasses on, however, Daishuryou blasted a bolt of green lightning at the glasses, breaking them.
Perhaps something like: "Nicholas tried to put the glasses on but Daishuryou shattered them with a blast of green lightning." Just think about the ways you can make things more active and direct in terms of phrasing. That way you will avoid awkward and passive phrasing. In a fight, don't be passive.
But overall, you definitely passed. I like that Nicholas has a lot of pride. Sometimes you drift into telling us about his hubris. But you also showed it to us and that's always a good thing. Work on the phrasing of your battle sequences so they aren't dry. Consequences, stakes, character, dialogue, etc. Take into account all these things going in. Also, any reason for the "green" lightning specifically? I don't want to drift into the "blue curtain" argument, but I tend to think about every little thing when I write. Not that green has to MEAN anything like the state of mankind's soul lmao. It could just be that color due to their power or w/e. Or you don't have to address it at all. It's one of those questions I have and I'm interested by the answer.
Good start. Keep working. Edit. Colorful word choices in fights: USE THEM. Start using a thesaurus if you need to. I always recommend that.
I'm a fan of everything and would write anything (except for maybe Black Comedy) but I do love me some slice of slide. So you're in my neighborhood here. And, well, I dug it. I'll start at the ending. The death. Well done. I didn't quite see that one coming as you had me on my toes with all the moments I thought the death was going to happen. You lead up to it pretty well. Ben came off as a likable guy so I didn't want him to be killed in such an unfair manner. Definitely undeserved!
I agree with StuckInTheRiddle on their review. The aftermath wasn't needed. Hey, it would have been super powerful. Ben's casket being lowered into the ground is a strong image, the lowering of a casket is always a strong and emotional image. But, we didn't really get to know the people he loved in his life or the people who loved him. So, that element is lost on us. "He died." or something like that would suffice perfectly. We'd get the idea that it ended abruptly. Unfair and cruel. Not that the ending was bad at all. It wasn't. Personal tastes really.
What did I not like with this piece? Hey, I loved your imagery. A snow-covered landscape is one of my favorites to work with. The element of cold is a nice touch. However, watch out for how often you use the word "snow" or "snow covered" etc. It can get repetitive and bother the reader. I know it did for me. I became tired of reading about the snow. Get creative with it! And we already know that it's snowy so perhaps focus on another important detail, or just any other detail to capture the essence of the scene.
Perfect example?
Right there. I don't need you to tell me that he reached another road covered in snow. I know he will. Trust your readers. Don't reiterate the same thing constantly. Also I bolded the "once more" aspect as well. Watch out for those repetitive phrases. They hinder your work. But, all in all, you did well here. I enjoyed reading this quite a bit.
I agree with StuckInTheRiddle on their review. The aftermath wasn't needed. Hey, it would have been super powerful. Ben's casket being lowered into the ground is a strong image, the lowering of a casket is always a strong and emotional image. But, we didn't really get to know the people he loved in his life or the people who loved him. So, that element is lost on us. "He died." or something like that would suffice perfectly. We'd get the idea that it ended abruptly. Unfair and cruel. Not that the ending was bad at all. It wasn't. Personal tastes really.
What did I not like with this piece? Hey, I loved your imagery. A snow-covered landscape is one of my favorites to work with. The element of cold is a nice touch. However, watch out for how often you use the word "snow" or "snow covered" etc. It can get repetitive and bother the reader. I know it did for me. I became tired of reading about the snow. Get creative with it! And we already know that it's snowy so perhaps focus on another important detail, or just any other detail to capture the essence of the scene.
Perfect example?
After a few turns, Ben reached a road fully covered with snow once more. The tracks indicated cars had already passed here, but only a couple. He ploughed through the fresh snow once more,
Right there. I don't need you to tell me that he reached another road covered in snow. I know he will. Trust your readers. Don't reiterate the same thing constantly. Also I bolded the "once more" aspect as well. Watch out for those repetitive phrases. They hinder your work. But, all in all, you did well here. I enjoyed reading this quite a bit.
I won't be beating a dead horse here and talk about the showing rather than telling issue you've already received from Terminal on that review. You already seem to know that you needed to have a longer entry and forget about the out of place backstory and focus on the actual story.
So… I'll just look at the actual entry. Even though it was short, I can say this. I love your voice. The writing and the descriptions are beautiful. Terrible, fiery, destructive and full of horrible death BUT beautiful in the way you captured it. I could feel the agony and the heat. The unwanted end was inherent in the writing. Since it comes from a novel, I can tell you know your characters very well. I could see Anne even though she was dead. That's some talent there mdk.
It's just a shame for me and the other readers that we were dropped in here not really knowing Mary. Not knowing Anne or any of the other side characters. No descriptions or actions to give us some context of who they are. And that was the crux of the problem. Nothing more I can say than that. You're a skilled writer so I can't wait to see more.
Personally I'd love to read that friggin' book. It sounds awesome.
So… I'll just look at the actual entry. Even though it was short, I can say this. I love your voice. The writing and the descriptions are beautiful. Terrible, fiery, destructive and full of horrible death BUT beautiful in the way you captured it. I could feel the agony and the heat. The unwanted end was inherent in the writing. Since it comes from a novel, I can tell you know your characters very well. I could see Anne even though she was dead. That's some talent there mdk.
It's just a shame for me and the other readers that we were dropped in here not really knowing Mary. Not knowing Anne or any of the other side characters. No descriptions or actions to give us some context of who they are. And that was the crux of the problem. Nothing more I can say than that. You're a skilled writer so I can't wait to see more.
Personally I'd love to read that friggin' book. It sounds awesome.
Line breaks would have been nice here and there. And Terminal already hit it on the topic of describing Peter's pain in a way that really captures his anguish. Sometimes it felt too tame. Working on connecting the dialogue to the descriptions would benefit this story.
But, I definitely loved the incoherence of it all. Drifting from thoughts of Aery and his friends back to the situation at hand.
You didn't need The Master. Context is important there without a doubt. Killing The Master has no real impact on the story if I don't know who he is or why he is important.
Back to the good things, which there are quite a few. Very nice entry. Splitting between Aery and Peter was an excellent choice. When she dies, you basically killed Peter already. His death afterwards is a second death. Failing her twice. That's goddamn awful and I feel you captured that very well with your writing. Solid job. Depressing too. God these reviews are going to exhaust me as much as the actual reading!
Another note is that you describe in the death scene, Peter's memories of all his friends. Their eye colors and associated characteristics. Ehhh, I didn't really feel that. I don't even know if you needed them. The relationship between Peter and Aery was more than enough. The descriptions of his friends felt unneeded and rushed. I didn't get to know them, and I don't know them. It didn't make me feel anything extra for Peter and his death or their deaths. Stick with Peter and Aery. That had more impact and was much more interesting and REAL on a human level.
But, I definitely loved the incoherence of it all. Drifting from thoughts of Aery and his friends back to the situation at hand.
You didn't need The Master. Context is important there without a doubt. Killing The Master has no real impact on the story if I don't know who he is or why he is important.
Back to the good things, which there are quite a few. Very nice entry. Splitting between Aery and Peter was an excellent choice. When she dies, you basically killed Peter already. His death afterwards is a second death. Failing her twice. That's goddamn awful and I feel you captured that very well with your writing. Solid job. Depressing too. God these reviews are going to exhaust me as much as the actual reading!
Another note is that you describe in the death scene, Peter's memories of all his friends. Their eye colors and associated characteristics. Ehhh, I didn't really feel that. I don't even know if you needed them. The relationship between Peter and Aery was more than enough. The descriptions of his friends felt unneeded and rushed. I didn't get to know them, and I don't know them. It didn't make me feel anything extra for Peter and his death or their deaths. Stick with Peter and Aery. That had more impact and was much more interesting and REAL on a human level.
Was intensely wondering about the title. 'Watchman' is a cool nickname for a hero. Why is he called that? I feel, as has been noted already, that important context is missing from this piece. He drove the legend forward, but how? I didn't get to see his efforts. I only saw his untimely and unfortunate death. I didn't know who Helline was. Nor the maiden except that she clearly loved Jack. Greg Broughton is introduced by name in italics as though he is a major player. And he is because he is bringing down the legend for good. But, I didn't get the "this guy means business" feeling from a villain that I want.
I know that Jack only cares for the woman who is sobbing. Helline? Or the maiden? Are they different people? I was slightly confused by that. I also assume Galen is related to Greg? Unless I'm reading a whole bunch of sentences wrong (might be something for you to take a look at as well for editing).
Your descriptions give me the ability to see everything happening, so good job there. It feels like a scene of good story or a film even. This is a good entry, I think it just suffered from being too short. I didn't get to know these people and garner a connection to them.
I know that Jack only cares for the woman who is sobbing. Helline? Or the maiden? Are they different people? I was slightly confused by that. I also assume Galen is related to Greg? Unless I'm reading a whole bunch of sentences wrong (might be something for you to take a look at as well for editing).
Your descriptions give me the ability to see everything happening, so good job there. It feels like a scene of good story or a film even. This is a good entry, I think it just suffered from being too short. I didn't get to know these people and garner a connection to them.
Looks like you've suffered from grammatical issues. I can see how that affected your chances of being a winner for this Labor. BUT, the good news about grammatical problems is that they can be fixed. Editing, editing, editing! Proofread, really. I understand the urge of laziness upon finishing your work DEMANDS that you submit before taking a second look. Refuse to listen, lol. You'll end up making a lot of progress and you'll be able to see your mistakes and become a better writer.
Onto the death scene. I appreciate what you tried to do. Death is unpredictable. There isn't always closure, and it isn't always expected. It can happen from the stupidest, and unluckiest of shots. That's something I tried to capture within my own entry. However, I see why it was seen as rushed and messy from the judge. Clean up the technical problems. But I do see that it might be out of place. You established this world of The Hack and then that happened. A lot less interesting, all things considered. I wanted Alex to die from having died in the game. You could have played with the "log out successful" a lot more. The world itself was fascinating and I wanted to see more, to know more. And I wanted to get to know Alex more.
You got something here. Like all the entries, there is unpolished talent. Just clean it up.
Onto the death scene. I appreciate what you tried to do. Death is unpredictable. There isn't always closure, and it isn't always expected. It can happen from the stupidest, and unluckiest of shots. That's something I tried to capture within my own entry. However, I see why it was seen as rushed and messy from the judge. Clean up the technical problems. But I do see that it might be out of place. You established this world of The Hack and then that happened. A lot less interesting, all things considered. I wanted Alex to die from having died in the game. You could have played with the "log out successful" a lot more. The world itself was fascinating and I wanted to see more, to know more. And I wanted to get to know Alex more.
You got something here. Like all the entries, there is unpolished talent. Just clean it up.
Agreed on the comments already made upon your work. I like reading a lengthy entry. Proof of that can be seen in the winner of the first RPGC. As was said, you had a problem with making your story flow. Before I get into the meat of this, I will take a look at technical issues that might help.
I will keep getting on top of you about ellipses. I've had to do it to myself. I've loved them before but oftentimes upon a second look at my work I used them incorrectly or they were just not necessary. Hey, you can use them or not use them. That's up to you. The more important technical note is the large block paragraphs. Breaking it up more carefully based on specific details might help. The sentence structure in itself might have explained why this dragged on. AND it should not have dragged on considering the fascinating and fun story that had a lot of cool action inside of it.
And off of the technical issues, we'll see why it dragged. At least, in my opinion why it struggled to get going and gather steam. The biggest issue was exposition. You spent a lot of time and a lot of words TELLING me who these characters were and why they were doing what they were doing. I wanted to see it. I didn't feel a connection to the students that were trained by the main character. I didn't feel her passion except the exposition of her thoughts and events I never got to see/feel/hear, etc. You seemed distracted by the backstory. Perhaps the backstory was too grand for this entry, or you could have had some action sequences with dialogue where I could get a grasp of her relationship with these students and the captured girl who she switched bodies with. And I think you can make that connection with some short scenes that connect us on a human level with Eima.
I'm going to use this quote here:
What if you wrote that as this: "Ayuna stood silent as the man abused her friend. Hatred bubbling (note: or bubbled) up in her eyes as her fingers clenched around her gun. This had to end, now."
Not perfect, but that's an example. From there the urgency is inherent from her reaction. The whole scene felt very passive in sentence structure, and a lot of telling happened. She was supposed to feel urgency, but this is ineffective if I did not feel the same urgency from that sequence. Watch out for the passive voice. Also watch out for using too many -ING's (starING, strikING) within your sentences. I'm not saying you can't use them. They're necessary but are better when they compliment the pacing of your sentences. From my view, too many "-ED" endings can feel choppy. And too many "-ING" endings can do the same thing.
You could have established things earlier within the writing as to who you were referring to. The clearing up of confusion within the story was out of place and took me out of the story. Either make a note of that in the beginning or use your writing skills to establish that within the entry.
That's what I've got for you. I think you have something really friggin' awesome here if you work on structure, phrasing, and the problems of exposition. Exposition is part of writing, and has its uses but should be placed in where it fits rather than taking over the story. Action and character should take over the story rather than the telling of it. But most of us already know that so I'll stop hammering that point into the ground. You have a super anime style of story here in its feel, AND I LOVE THAT. The powers were awesome. People jumping hundreds of feet into the air is a lot of fun. The threads of fate power was a nice twist and a power that I dug completely. Awesomeness, really.
Tons of potential here. Just gotta tap it by putting in the work, and judging by the length I don't think you'll have a problem with the work.
I will keep getting on top of you about ellipses. I've had to do it to myself. I've loved them before but oftentimes upon a second look at my work I used them incorrectly or they were just not necessary. Hey, you can use them or not use them. That's up to you. The more important technical note is the large block paragraphs. Breaking it up more carefully based on specific details might help. The sentence structure in itself might have explained why this dragged on. AND it should not have dragged on considering the fascinating and fun story that had a lot of cool action inside of it.
And off of the technical issues, we'll see why it dragged. At least, in my opinion why it struggled to get going and gather steam. The biggest issue was exposition. You spent a lot of time and a lot of words TELLING me who these characters were and why they were doing what they were doing. I wanted to see it. I didn't feel a connection to the students that were trained by the main character. I didn't feel her passion except the exposition of her thoughts and events I never got to see/feel/hear, etc. You seemed distracted by the backstory. Perhaps the backstory was too grand for this entry, or you could have had some action sequences with dialogue where I could get a grasp of her relationship with these students and the captured girl who she switched bodies with. And I think you can make that connection with some short scenes that connect us on a human level with Eima.
I'm going to use this quote here:
A sense of extreme urgency filled Ayuna, where she was standing staring at her original body. She had to stop that man from striking her friend. She had to do it now...!
What if you wrote that as this: "Ayuna stood silent as the man abused her friend. Hatred bubbling (note: or bubbled) up in her eyes as her fingers clenched around her gun. This had to end, now."
Not perfect, but that's an example. From there the urgency is inherent from her reaction. The whole scene felt very passive in sentence structure, and a lot of telling happened. She was supposed to feel urgency, but this is ineffective if I did not feel the same urgency from that sequence. Watch out for the passive voice. Also watch out for using too many -ING's (starING, strikING) within your sentences. I'm not saying you can't use them. They're necessary but are better when they compliment the pacing of your sentences. From my view, too many "-ED" endings can feel choppy. And too many "-ING" endings can do the same thing.
You could have established things earlier within the writing as to who you were referring to. The clearing up of confusion within the story was out of place and took me out of the story. Either make a note of that in the beginning or use your writing skills to establish that within the entry.
That's what I've got for you. I think you have something really friggin' awesome here if you work on structure, phrasing, and the problems of exposition. Exposition is part of writing, and has its uses but should be placed in where it fits rather than taking over the story. Action and character should take over the story rather than the telling of it. But most of us already know that so I'll stop hammering that point into the ground. You have a super anime style of story here in its feel, AND I LOVE THAT. The powers were awesome. People jumping hundreds of feet into the air is a lot of fun. The threads of fate power was a nice twist and a power that I dug completely. Awesomeness, really.
Tons of potential here. Just gotta tap it by putting in the work, and judging by the length I don't think you'll have a problem with the work.
1x Thank
PlatinumSkink
Member
Seen
3 days ago
Honestly, I would have submitted myself as a judge if I had known I'd only need to do a third (fourth?) of the entries, since I didn't know how busy I'd be or if there's be twenty entries or something I didn't want to completely book myself up those three days in the worst case scenario. ... On the other hand, maybe it is a good thing I didn't, seeing how I must have completely misunderstood the criteria for a passing entry because I'd have passed all of these in the situation I was picked to review that particular one on the basis that they did what the objective told them to do. Oh, well. Haha. ... I'll assume that if I did submit myself, I would have gotten a little lesson in what it takes. Hah.
... So, when's the next one? I obviously have something to prove, now. And now I can't possibly contribute with anything shorter, because writing gripping long texts is obviously what I need to practice. Especially to that specific judge, who I'd love to have give her thoughts on it regardless if she's my judge or not. I just feel I have something to make up for, after all. My goal was to get all twelve and failed on the easiest one, so now I need a new goal. That's the one I'm picking. Get a winning entry of that length. That'll do. If I can get that specific individuals approval due to my own skill, that'd be wonderful, but of course I'd accept any circumstances that makes that impossible. In any case. Yupp.
... So, when's the next one? I obviously have something to prove, now. And now I can't possibly contribute with anything shorter, because writing gripping long texts is obviously what I need to practice. Especially to that specific judge, who I'd love to have give her thoughts on it regardless if she's my judge or not. I just feel I have something to make up for, after all. My goal was to get all twelve and failed on the easiest one, so now I need a new goal. That's the one I'm picking. Get a winning entry of that length. That'll do. If I can get that specific individuals approval due to my own skill, that'd be wonderful, but of course I'd accept any circumstances that makes that impossible. In any case. Yupp.
Holmishire Ghost with no home.
Member
Seen
2 yrs ago
I'd like to give my appreciation to @RomanAria, @mdk, and @PlatinumSkink for reviewing my entry. For those who may have forgotten, I wrote the Death of the Watchman—and realized too late how ultimately generic that title would become in this context!
(As an aside, I particularly enjoyed the Adversity of Death, the Early Demise of Benjamin Wilkins, and the Forgotten Death of Peter.)
A good point. I struggled a bit with integrating some kind of synopsis of past events, so in the end I decided to focus entirely on the scene to make my life less complex. Good for me—not so much for the entry.
This acts as the conclusion to an arc of which I've only written the introduction—in the form of a short story titled "Bargain". I haven't written any of the actual rebellion yet, so even I am a bit fuzzy on the details!
Aye, I've always had a weakness for older words. It's a habit I doubt I'll ever be able to resist.
As for "pavel"... That actually was a portmanteau, of pavement and gravel. I couldn't find the word I was looking for at the time, so I used it as a placeholder, and then missed it on my reread.
oops
Looks like my proofreading isn't quite up to snuff.
This is a big relief to me. I can always work on improving story elements, but I was worried I might lose this due to lack of practise. Thank you.
If I remember correctly, the difference between passive and active voices can be summarized as "The wrench was thrown by the mechanic" and "The mechanic threw the wrench", right?
If so, I can see now upon rereading my entry how that takes away from the action. I did it largely because I was instinctively following the scene through Jack's perspective in the beginning, where it made sense, and I didn't realize the error in continuing it.
(As an aside, I particularly enjoyed the Adversity of Death, the Early Demise of Benjamin Wilkins, and the Forgotten Death of Peter.)
I would have loved some more background, however, like some more information on the characters and on the rebellion. That would have required a ton and a half of explaining, I know, but it would have made the story have a greater impact, at least on me. I can’t care about characters if I don’t know their stories.
A good point. I struggled a bit with integrating some kind of synopsis of past events, so in the end I decided to focus entirely on the scene to make my life less complex. Good for me—not so much for the entry.
This acts as the conclusion to an arc of which I've only written the introduction—in the form of a short story titled "Bargain". I haven't written any of the actual rebellion yet, so even I am a bit fuzzy on the details!
I know it’s a rather harsh nitpick, but I noticed words like “afore” in “Greg swept his arm afore him…” kind of seemed a little too…medieval, and stuck out a little bit, and the word “pavel”… I looked it up but I couldn’t figure out a definition, and it was really bothering me. Context-clues indicate that it’s some kind of paving stone, maybe a portmanteau of “paver” and “gravel” but… I couldn’t figure it out, and it really disrupted the flow of the story.
Aye, I've always had a weakness for older words. It's a habit I doubt I'll ever be able to resist.
As for "pavel"... That actually was a portmanteau, of pavement and gravel. I couldn't find the word I was looking for at the time, so I used it as a placeholder, and then missed it on my reread.
“Who knew of whom she thought…” seemed a little peculiarly phrased; shouldn’t it have been “He knew of whom she thought...”?
oops
Looks like my proofreading isn't quite up to snuff.
Your sentence fluency is absolutely flawless. It felt like my eyes were dancing down the screen, not actually needing to stop and consider clauses or fragments or anything.
This is a big relief to me. I can always work on improving story elements, but I was worried I might lose this due to lack of practise. Thank you.
I'm not crazy about the prevailing passive voice...... It's not necessarily wrong in this context, because it separates readers from the thing being described (We don't really need to be thinking too hard about the reconstruction having not started). But the one that kills me is the stabbing line -- you're mad, you're mad, that can't be passive, it just can't. Broughton made a fist around his sword and rammed it in Jack's intestines. That has to happen -- it can't just be happening. Especially not in first person.
If I remember correctly, the difference between passive and active voices can be summarized as "The wrench was thrown by the mechanic" and "The mechanic threw the wrench", right?
If so, I can see now upon rereading my entry how that takes away from the action. I did it largely because I was instinctively following the scene through Jack's perspective in the beginning, where it made sense, and I didn't realize the error in continuing it.
1x Like
If I remember correctly, the difference between passive and active voices can be summarized as "The wrench was thrown by the mechanic" and "The mechanic threw the wrench", right?
If so, I can see now upon rereading my entry how that takes away from the action. I did it largely because I was instinctively following the scene through Jack's perspective in the beginning, where it made sense, and I didn't realize the error in continuing it.
Exactly. And you're right -- it does make sense at the beginning, and heck, it makes sense for a lot of the rest, too. It's almost never "wrong," and yet, it's typically "not right" either..... But in this story a lot of the passive was justified. Which, honestly, is kind of rare.
EDIT: Let's add another review!
I um.... well, look. You're doing the important part, namely, writing your butt off. Keep doing that and everything else will follow. The plot is interesting, and the twists are meaningful. The action is exciting. All that to say, your heart's clearly in the right place, and that's worth emphasizing.
However.
The writing is supremely confusing. Good news! The doctor prescribes more writing -- that's medicine you can enjoy. It's easier to work on this when you're writing smaller stories -- not the length, so much, you can write books if you want, but the scope. If writing about a parallel-universe Elma possessing a regular-universe Ayuna fighting in regular-universe against parallel people using Aither/ether/ayther from other universe to bend natural universe laws is confusing (hint: IT IS), then start with a simpler idea and nail it. This story would've been equally interesting if it was set in Camelot, with wizards and knights and thieves. It also would've been way easier for a reader to follow.
On longer pieces -- correct me if I'm wrong, but this seemed like a stream-of-consciousness style of writing -- you start with a character in a location, with a pretty good idea of what's going to happen, and then come up with each specific step as you go along. A lot of really good writers approach it that way -- nothing wrong at all with inventing the details as you go along. If that gets confusing, it's generally a sign that you should try outlining first, to better organize the piece. How much you spell out, and how you do it -- that's up to you. But adding some regimented structure early in the process can help clean up the finished product. In this story, I might've set aside some room at the beginning to establish the world (maybe Elma talks to the students from the school and they collectively explain the two worlds to the readers, before the action starts). Maybe lay out, okay, she's going to assault this city on her own and I want to spend this many paragraphs on the infiltration, and this many in the cell. Frankly I don't know what your outline should consist of, or what it should look like, or how long you should spend on it -- but it's worth it for you to google some techniques and try them out on your own. Possibly, if you've got one available, talk to an english teacher/professor about different methods of organizing your thoughts over such a long effort (bonus: they'll give you an A for showing interest).
@Caughtintheriddle offered some tips already about sentence structure and tone, and that's why I'm sorta glossing over those aspects. Again, these things are easier to work on (and less traumatic, should you be corrected again) when you're dealing with smaller stories. Gotta learn how to paint a tree before you can paint a forest, and all that. My feeling is, you should try giving yourself one or two pages, and holding yourself to that -- but I don't matter and you should write what you want, can't emphasize that enough. You can get into a situation where you're putting in all this tremendous effort and people struggle with it, and it becomes discouraging -- and that might bum you out enough to stop loving this art form. I don't like that. I want you to write forever.
Anyway. Easy A for effort, and conceptually, it's incredible. It's just the technique that needs work.
However.
The writing is supremely confusing. Good news! The doctor prescribes more writing -- that's medicine you can enjoy. It's easier to work on this when you're writing smaller stories -- not the length, so much, you can write books if you want, but the scope. If writing about a parallel-universe Elma possessing a regular-universe Ayuna fighting in regular-universe against parallel people using Aither/ether/ayther from other universe to bend natural universe laws is confusing (hint: IT IS), then start with a simpler idea and nail it. This story would've been equally interesting if it was set in Camelot, with wizards and knights and thieves. It also would've been way easier for a reader to follow.
On longer pieces -- correct me if I'm wrong, but this seemed like a stream-of-consciousness style of writing -- you start with a character in a location, with a pretty good idea of what's going to happen, and then come up with each specific step as you go along. A lot of really good writers approach it that way -- nothing wrong at all with inventing the details as you go along. If that gets confusing, it's generally a sign that you should try outlining first, to better organize the piece. How much you spell out, and how you do it -- that's up to you. But adding some regimented structure early in the process can help clean up the finished product. In this story, I might've set aside some room at the beginning to establish the world (maybe Elma talks to the students from the school and they collectively explain the two worlds to the readers, before the action starts). Maybe lay out, okay, she's going to assault this city on her own and I want to spend this many paragraphs on the infiltration, and this many in the cell. Frankly I don't know what your outline should consist of, or what it should look like, or how long you should spend on it -- but it's worth it for you to google some techniques and try them out on your own. Possibly, if you've got one available, talk to an english teacher/professor about different methods of organizing your thoughts over such a long effort (bonus: they'll give you an A for showing interest).
@Caughtintheriddle offered some tips already about sentence structure and tone, and that's why I'm sorta glossing over those aspects. Again, these things are easier to work on (and less traumatic, should you be corrected again) when you're dealing with smaller stories. Gotta learn how to paint a tree before you can paint a forest, and all that. My feeling is, you should try giving yourself one or two pages, and holding yourself to that -- but I don't matter and you should write what you want, can't emphasize that enough. You can get into a situation where you're putting in all this tremendous effort and people struggle with it, and it becomes discouraging -- and that might bum you out enough to stop loving this art form. I don't like that. I want you to write forever.
Anyway. Easy A for effort, and conceptually, it's incredible. It's just the technique that needs work.
1x Thank
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
Banned
Seen
4 yrs ago
And there you have it. A few posts up I have edited one post and included my reviews! As to some of the reviews given, I'll address them here.
@RomanAria Wow. I wasn't expecting a perfect score or anything like that. Thank you so much for the glowing review. It's nice to know that someone likes my work so much or that I got you to cry. I write for me and to draw out emotions from other people so hearing about a reaction like that makes me very happy. You're far too kind, haha. I did put a lot of thought into reactions and how things would play out. I only wish I had a bit more time I could put into the actual death scene that I was able to put into the character relationships from the beginning. But again, thank you so much!
@PlatinumSkink Lol, well. At least you really enjoyed the beginning aspect of the work. I probably had the most fun working on the interactions between Kaelyn, Landon, and Terra. Kaelyn is definitely a favorite character of mine. Sassy, sarcastic, trouble-making teen with a troubled past who grew up to start trusting people again. The early writing of her was definitely a bit melodramatic, but at the heart of her character I just loved the way she interacted with others.
As for the death scene. I don't necessarily disagree with you. Scripted, maybe. I didn't feel like I got the death scene down as much as I wanted to. But I did give a lot of thought to how she would react and I don't know. I felt that went down mostly the way I wanted it to. Death being random and unfair at times. Definitely some details I wanted to include in the ending. I also have problems with death scenes. I try to find the perfect balance between dialogue and description because I feel like too much dialogue doesn't come off as genuine and real to me. One day I shall succeed in the balance!
The change of the essay length was on purpose. Was trying to balance out description and "less is more". On top of that, I was also running out of time. Not for the time to hand in the entry, but I was also heading to a party that night so I had to finish that more quick than I wanted to. That might explain certain things. Anyway, that's what I've got to say on that.
@RomanAria Wow. I wasn't expecting a perfect score or anything like that. Thank you so much for the glowing review. It's nice to know that someone likes my work so much or that I got you to cry. I write for me and to draw out emotions from other people so hearing about a reaction like that makes me very happy. You're far too kind, haha. I did put a lot of thought into reactions and how things would play out. I only wish I had a bit more time I could put into the actual death scene that I was able to put into the character relationships from the beginning. But again, thank you so much!
@PlatinumSkink Lol, well. At least you really enjoyed the beginning aspect of the work. I probably had the most fun working on the interactions between Kaelyn, Landon, and Terra. Kaelyn is definitely a favorite character of mine. Sassy, sarcastic, trouble-making teen with a troubled past who grew up to start trusting people again. The early writing of her was definitely a bit melodramatic, but at the heart of her character I just loved the way she interacted with others.
As for the death scene. I don't necessarily disagree with you. Scripted, maybe. I didn't feel like I got the death scene down as much as I wanted to. But I did give a lot of thought to how she would react and I don't know. I felt that went down mostly the way I wanted it to. Death being random and unfair at times. Definitely some details I wanted to include in the ending. I also have problems with death scenes. I try to find the perfect balance between dialogue and description because I feel like too much dialogue doesn't come off as genuine and real to me. One day I shall succeed in the balance!
The change of the essay length was on purpose. Was trying to balance out description and "less is more". On top of that, I was also running out of time. Not for the time to hand in the entry, but I was also heading to a party that night so I had to finish that more quick than I wanted to. That might explain certain things. Anyway, that's what I've got to say on that.
Psyga315 From Shadows
Member
Seen
1 yr ago
Also, any reason for the "green" lightning specifically? I don't want to drift into the "blue curtain" argument, but I tend to think about every little thing when I write. Not that green has to MEAN anything like the state of mankind's soul lmao. It could just be that color due to their power or w/e. Or you don't have to address it at all. It's one of those questions I have and I'm interested by the answer.
Oh, don't worry. It's an easy answer. It's because that's literally the color of the lightning he (technically Shadow Moon, but still) throws out as seen in the show.
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
Banned
Seen
4 yrs ago
Ah! Well there we go. Lol, cool. Question answered.
Loksfjoer Lucky flame
Contest Mod
Seen
1 hr ago
I want to thank everyone for their reviews, I'm glad people enjoyed to read it. I can't say it was fun to write about the early demise of Ben, but I liked how the story turned out myself.
Overall people seemed to have enjoyed the near-death scenes I added. I figured that everyone knew he was going do die, since that was the goal of the first labour, but I still wanted to give you all an unexpected death and that's why added them. It's great to see it worked out so well.
@CaughtInTheRiddle, you mentioned his death came over as a plot hole. Now that you mentioned it I get why you say that (even though I had to look up the term real quick), but that was unintentional. I looked for a way to kill him that came both as a surprise for Ben as for the reader, but still give it a viable explanation after it happened. In this case, Ben doesn't even know which one of the men that had been released from the clinic in the past she is talking about, nor when exactly he had been released. I could have explained that in more detail I suppose, but I kept my focus on Ben. So yeah, I'll keep that in mind and avoid possible plot holes in the future.
I understand why you say the aftermath was unneeded for the story, but, well, I needed it. I couldn't stop at 'he died.' so I didn't.
I'm really grateful for the 4.5/5 stars, thank you!
Plus, I'm surprised you only found just 1 or 2 spelling mistakes. While I like to think I've become pretty good at writing in English, it's still a foreign language for me and there are still moments in which I have to grab a dictionary and look something up. Feel free to point out the spelling mistakes, I can only learn from that.
@PlatinumSkink, I have little else to say but thank you for your positive feedback, I'm glad you liked the story and that you liked the aftermath as well.
@mdk, a comma-infestation. Got it. I'll keep it in mind for future stories. That being your only complaint made me happy and I'm glad you reacted so positive to my story.
@Dark Wind, I'm glad you overall liked the story.
The aftermath, like I metioned above, it's something I needed. I know that none of you know Ben or his family and friends, that is why I avoided going into detail with the aftermath and stuck with globally describing what happened, but I needed the closure in the story. For me it just wasn't complete without it.
I suppose there is a fine line between imagery and being repetitive and I have yet to find it. With only 1 out of 4 reviews mentioning this, I feel I at least did better with it then in the first writing competition, where it had been mentioned more often, but there's still some work to be done in that area. With the example you gave, I now see the second 'once more' was unneeded and it would have been better if I had added 'and he ploughed through it' in the first sentence. Mentioning he reached another fully covered road didn't seem unneeded to me. Ben could have reached the clinic by following all snow-free roads ever since he left the first snow-covered road behind him. So in the example I felt it was needed to mention it and not leave it up to the reader's imagination, but I could be wrong there. I'm grateful you pointed it out though and I'll certainly keep an eye on not getting repetitive with the scenery in the future.
@Holmishire, I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Overall people seemed to have enjoyed the near-death scenes I added. I figured that everyone knew he was going do die, since that was the goal of the first labour, but I still wanted to give you all an unexpected death and that's why added them. It's great to see it worked out so well.
@CaughtInTheRiddle, you mentioned his death came over as a plot hole. Now that you mentioned it I get why you say that (even though I had to look up the term real quick), but that was unintentional. I looked for a way to kill him that came both as a surprise for Ben as for the reader, but still give it a viable explanation after it happened. In this case, Ben doesn't even know which one of the men that had been released from the clinic in the past she is talking about, nor when exactly he had been released. I could have explained that in more detail I suppose, but I kept my focus on Ben. So yeah, I'll keep that in mind and avoid possible plot holes in the future.
I understand why you say the aftermath was unneeded for the story, but, well, I needed it. I couldn't stop at 'he died.' so I didn't.
I'm really grateful for the 4.5/5 stars, thank you!
Plus, I'm surprised you only found just 1 or 2 spelling mistakes. While I like to think I've become pretty good at writing in English, it's still a foreign language for me and there are still moments in which I have to grab a dictionary and look something up. Feel free to point out the spelling mistakes, I can only learn from that.
@PlatinumSkink, I have little else to say but thank you for your positive feedback, I'm glad you liked the story and that you liked the aftermath as well.
@mdk, a comma-infestation. Got it. I'll keep it in mind for future stories. That being your only complaint made me happy and I'm glad you reacted so positive to my story.
@Dark Wind, I'm glad you overall liked the story.
The aftermath, like I metioned above, it's something I needed. I know that none of you know Ben or his family and friends, that is why I avoided going into detail with the aftermath and stuck with globally describing what happened, but I needed the closure in the story. For me it just wasn't complete without it.
I suppose there is a fine line between imagery and being repetitive and I have yet to find it. With only 1 out of 4 reviews mentioning this, I feel I at least did better with it then in the first writing competition, where it had been mentioned more often, but there's still some work to be done in that area. With the example you gave, I now see the second 'once more' was unneeded and it would have been better if I had added 'and he ploughed through it' in the first sentence. Mentioning he reached another fully covered road didn't seem unneeded to me. Ben could have reached the clinic by following all snow-free roads ever since he left the first snow-covered road behind him. So in the example I felt it was needed to mention it and not leave it up to the reader's imagination, but I could be wrong there. I'm grateful you pointed it out though and I'll certainly keep an eye on not getting repetitive with the scenery in the future.
@Holmishire, I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Done!
10/10. I'm not 100% sure you've had enough nice things said about this yet, even though there's a bunch, so let's see..... You crushed the perspective on this, especially Terra's italicized parts. The story was obviously always going to go a certain way, given the challenge, but it felt amazingly credible anyway -- this isn't just a challenge piece, it's a real story, and a great one. You've got this thing down.
And because you're doing so great, I'd like to share some ideas about style choice. These aren't 'corrections' and shouldn't be treated as such -- you don't need those from me. My red pen is on the shelf. This is blue-pen stuff. Let's start with a big-picture idea.... You're splicing in a narrative with a homework assignment in (what feels like) a very cinematic style. The italics sound like voice-over framing device sort of things -- "This is why I'm telling the story, and this is where I am when it's over." That works, and there's no need to change a thing. You might have considered telling the whole thing in Terra's perspective -- because Terra's perspective is strong enough to handle it. What I mean is, instead of breaking into third-person narratives, potentially just write the whole story in english-paper format, as she remembers it, as she feels about it, all in her mind. It would be a very different story if you'd done it that way -- instead of detailing the events, you'd be much more focused on the emotional impact. So the thing to think about is, which do you prefer? The events are tragic and interesting enough to justify the third-person narrative, but the emotional devastation is valuable too. There's plenty of other ways you could've approached it too, like, maybe she's been called in to the teacher's office over her bad paper and they're having a conversation about the assignment -- that would open the door to emphasize the disconnect from other people. Basically what I'm driving at is, you're at a level right now where the structure of your story is a conscious choice that impacts the meaning, and there's lots of ways to take advantage of that.
Next a brief thought on sentence structure -- again, nothing wrong with how you're doing it. I mean technically grammatically fragments are taboo, but screw grammar. Fragments are cool, when they're useful. My personal feeling is, periodically, you probably should've tended towards run-ons instead. I'm really thinking of just one part near the top:
I can't say I know much about dancing or women, but dammit, I KNOW PERIODS. ... That came out wrong. Lemme re-punctuate that real quick:
Why have I done that? Simple: we're dancing around the sentence, graceful and fluid, twirling from one image to the next with the flow of a ballerina's dance. This is the part where you can break rules to send your message better, and the message is flowing -- so why not let the sentences flow too?
EDIT: One more thing. This one, I'm tempted to reach for the red pen. In the shooting scene, there's a very sudden transition from Kaelyn's to Harris's perspective. I sorta picture this scene through a camera lens, and if I was directing a movie, at that moment there'd be a long, slow camera pan to Harris, to put the viewers into HIS head instead of hers. It doesn't really do that here...... Not to say you CAN'T do that in writing ever, but like, Idunno. It jumped out at me a little while I was reading and felt out-of-place. Whether that's a problem or not, as well as how/if it needs to be fixed, I mean, your thoughts are as good as mine. But I thought I'd call attention to it anyway.
That's it, that's all I got. OH -- I like the way you write dialogue. We don't need any he-said-she-saids in there and you were wise to leave them out. Okay, THAT is all I've got. Great job.
EDIT: I lied, I had one more thing, adding it now
And because you're doing so great, I'd like to share some ideas about style choice. These aren't 'corrections' and shouldn't be treated as such -- you don't need those from me. My red pen is on the shelf. This is blue-pen stuff. Let's start with a big-picture idea.... You're splicing in a narrative with a homework assignment in (what feels like) a very cinematic style. The italics sound like voice-over framing device sort of things -- "This is why I'm telling the story, and this is where I am when it's over." That works, and there's no need to change a thing. You might have considered telling the whole thing in Terra's perspective -- because Terra's perspective is strong enough to handle it. What I mean is, instead of breaking into third-person narratives, potentially just write the whole story in english-paper format, as she remembers it, as she feels about it, all in her mind. It would be a very different story if you'd done it that way -- instead of detailing the events, you'd be much more focused on the emotional impact. So the thing to think about is, which do you prefer? The events are tragic and interesting enough to justify the third-person narrative, but the emotional devastation is valuable too. There's plenty of other ways you could've approached it too, like, maybe she's been called in to the teacher's office over her bad paper and they're having a conversation about the assignment -- that would open the door to emphasize the disconnect from other people. Basically what I'm driving at is, you're at a level right now where the structure of your story is a conscious choice that impacts the meaning, and there's lots of ways to take advantage of that.
Next a brief thought on sentence structure -- again, nothing wrong with how you're doing it. I mean technically grammatically fragments are taboo, but screw grammar. Fragments are cool, when they're useful. My personal feeling is, periodically, you probably should've tended towards run-ons instead. I'm really thinking of just one part near the top:
Soft, feminine footsteps. A woman’s feet danced around on the floor. Graceful and fluid. Twirling from one place to the next with the movement of a ballerina. Her bare, smooth legs moved to an unheard rhythm. Only heard by her. Sweet melodies passing through a white chord to her ears.
I can't say I know much about dancing or women, but dammit, I KNOW PERIODS. ... That came out wrong. Lemme re-punctuate that real quick:
Soft, feminine footsteps. A woman’s feet danced around on the floor, graceful and fluid, twirling from one place to the next with the movement of a ballerina. Her bare, smooth legs moved to an unheard rhythm, only heard by her -- sweet melodies passing through a white chord to her ears.
Why have I done that? Simple: we're dancing around the sentence, graceful and fluid, twirling from one image to the next with the flow of a ballerina's dance. This is the part where you can break rules to send your message better, and the message is flowing -- so why not let the sentences flow too?
EDIT: One more thing. This one, I'm tempted to reach for the red pen. In the shooting scene, there's a very sudden transition from Kaelyn's to Harris's perspective. I sorta picture this scene through a camera lens, and if I was directing a movie, at that moment there'd be a long, slow camera pan to Harris, to put the viewers into HIS head instead of hers. It doesn't really do that here...... Not to say you CAN'T do that in writing ever, but like, Idunno. It jumped out at me a little while I was reading and felt out-of-place. Whether that's a problem or not, as well as how/if it needs to be fixed, I mean, your thoughts are as good as mine. But I thought I'd call attention to it anyway.
That's it, that's all I got. OH -- I like the way you write dialogue. We don't need any he-said-she-saids in there and you were wise to leave them out. Okay, THAT is all I've got. Great job.
EDIT: I lied, I had one more thing, adding it now
Gwynbleidd Summon The Bitches
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4 yrs ago
Done!10/10. I'm not 100% sure you've had enough nice things said about this yet, even though there's a bunch, so let's see..... You crushed the perspective on this, especially Terra's italicized parts. The story was obviously always going to go a certain way, given the challenge, but it felt amazingly credible anyway -- this isn't just a challenge piece, it's a real story, and a great one. You've got this thing down.
And because you're doing so great, I'd like to share some ideas about style choice. These aren't 'corrections' and shouldn't be treated as such -- you don't need those from me. My red pen is on the shelf. This is blue-pen stuff. Let's start with a big-picture idea.... You're splicing in a narrative with a homework assignment in (what feels like) a very cinematic style. The italics sound like voice-over framing device sort of things -- "This is why I'm telling the story, and this is where I am when it's over." That works, and there's no need to change a thing. You might have considered telling the whole thing in Terra's perspective -- because Terra's perspective is strong enough to handle it. What I mean is, instead of breaking into third-person narratives, potentially just write the whole story in english-paper format, as she remembers it, as she feels about it, all in her mind. It would be a very different story if you'd done it that way -- instead of detailing the events, you'd be much more focused on the emotional impact. So the thing to think about is, which do you prefer? The events are tragic and interesting enough to justify the third-person narrative, but the emotional devastation is valuable too. There's plenty of other ways you could've approached it too, like, maybe she's been called in to the teacher's office over her bad paper and they're having a conversation about the assignment -- that would open the door to emphasize the disconnect from other people. Basically what I'm driving at is, you're at a level right now where the structure of your story is a conscious choice that impacts the meaning, and there's lots of ways to take advantage of that.
Next a brief thought on sentence structure -- again, nothing wrong with how you're doing it. I mean technically grammatically fragments are taboo, but screw grammar. Fragments are cool, when they're useful. My personal feeling is, periodically, you probably should've tended towards run-ons instead. I'm really thinking of just one part near the top:
<Snipped quote>
I can't say I know much about dancing or women, but dammit, I KNOW PERIODS. ... That came out wrong. Lemme re-punctuate that real quick:
<Snipped quote>
Why have I done that? Simple: we're dancing around the sentence, graceful and fluid, twirling from one image to the next with the flow of a ballerina's dance. This is the part where you can break rules to send your message better, and the message is flowing -- so why not let the sentences flow too?
EDIT: One more thing. This one, I'm tempted to reach for the red pen. In the shooting scene, there's a very sudden transition from Kaelyn's to Harris's perspective. I sorta picture this scene through a camera lens, and if I was directing a movie, at that moment there'd be a long, slow camera pan to Harris, to put the viewers into HIS head instead of hers. It doesn't really do that here...... Not to say you CAN'T do that in writing ever, but like, Idunno. It jumped out at me a little while I was reading and felt out-of-place. Whether that's a problem or not, as well as how/if it needs to be fixed, I mean, your thoughts are as good as mine. But I thought I'd call attention to it anyway.
That's it, that's all I got. OH -- I like the way you write dialogue. We don't need any he-said-she-saids in there and you were wise to leave them out. Okay, THAT is all I've got. Great job.
EDIT: I lied, I had one more thing, adding it now
Thanks so much! Really appreciate not only the compliments, but the constructive things you've had to say.
Honestly, to start off I knew that the death scene was going to happen. Everyone does because that's the nature of the whole first labor. So, I figured to get the best out of it (and as a rule of writing it's the best way to get results) was to create characters that felt real and relatable. Luckily the characters were ones I cared about so that was easy! Somewhat.
Hah, I'm glad you said cinematic with regards to Terra's voice on her paper. That's EXACTLY what I was going for. A voice over style. I'm trying to become a screenwriter so I was familiar with the use of voice overs in scripts. And, I wanted to experiment with the prompt for an English class. The explanation is that in RPGC#1 I had the "letter from heaven" (For Blue Skies) entry. In that I was experimenting with that element of story telling and tried to play around with it. This time I wanted to build on it and create a longer, more fleshed out story with it. At the same time, I didn't want it to be solely focused with Terra's re-telling of events the entire way through. I feared that could become too… tell rather than show. But I was interested in possibly writing it that way because hey, if it's a prompt then she's going to be telling and it can be forgiven as long as I put in some images that the readers can visualize for themselves.
So, I opted for what I did because Kaelyn's character is far too much fun to write when she's interacting with other people. I definitely agree with the other options you've put out (and they're really good ones I might add). I think it could have been better if it was focused on Terra's perspective being called into the office as you suggested, or doing it from Kaelyn's perspective and sticking with it from that line and following through. I simply stuck with what I chose because mainly I wanted to experiment with my writing.
Lol… Periods. Nice. Good catch though, your re-structuring of that part is better. Thanks for the input. I LOVE the sentence frag, so you'll probably find it in a lot of the stories I write.
Ah, the Harris perspective shift. That's definitely one of the spots in the death scene I felt could have been smoother. Perhaps a description of Kaelyn watching the events might have been a place to start. I'll have to look it over and think of different ways to attack that part.
Thanks for your thoughts, they were very helpful!
OP
Terminal Rancorous Narrative Proxy
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7 days ago
As a general announcement ahead of time, I would like to state that the Secret Bonus Challenges will not be returning for TTL#2. While I admit I had more than a small amount of fun coming up with punny names and conditions for each award, ultimately the number of entries and the obscure nature of the bonus challenges makes them somewhat pointless.
Instead, Bonus Challenges will be replaced by Challenge Accolades. While I will not fully elaborate upon the nature of Accolades right this moment, I will say they will be rewarded to any poster who goes above and beyond the parameters of the challenge in their submissions. A way to reward extra effort, rather than to randomly reward the odd entry that fulfilled the Labour in a highly specific way.
That is all. As you were.
Instead, Bonus Challenges will be replaced by Challenge Accolades. While I will not fully elaborate upon the nature of Accolades right this moment, I will say they will be rewarded to any poster who goes above and beyond the parameters of the challenge in their submissions. A way to reward extra effort, rather than to randomly reward the odd entry that fulfilled the Labour in a highly specific way.
That is all. As you were.
1x Thank
RomanAria 𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕟𝕦𝕘𝕘𝕝𝕖 𝕊𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕦𝕝𝕒𝕣𝕚𝕥𝕪
Member
Seen
2 mos ago
@Terminal I'm volunteering for June's TTL as well. I can't, because I just realized swim camp is right during TTl, and I won't have internet access at all for two and a half weeks.
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