Hidden 8 yrs ago Post by Lilygold
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Lilygold Private First Class / Bot Killer Squad

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To put it simply, here's your dampener on your day. I really have no viable reason to continue living. None I can think of, at least. And I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, when I'm alone in my room with a knife. Makes for a good time to reflect on yourself and others. I haven't answered my Skype messages because I'm afraid of the guilt. I'm a mess, and I don't know what to do. I really don't know why I'm putting this here. Maybe just because I feel like someone should know why I won't be talking to them for a while, morbid as it sounds. There's the bare-bones of it. Just needed to get that off my chest.
Hidden 8 yrs ago Post by Vilageidiotx
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Vilageidiotx Jacobin of All Trades

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Somebody wants you alive, that is always true. Stick with us so we can pull off this living thing together.
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Hidden 8 yrs ago Post by Glitch
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Glitch Ruminate.

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Suicide is a permanent solution to temporary situations.

I know what it feels like to feel numb to everything. Lustless, not having the desire to do anything you used to love. Not even pizza tastes that great anymore.

But to speak bluntly, you could end it now and it'll always be a memory of being horrible, miserable and all-round not of great quality to live. Or. You could keep fighting. Keep struggling. Keep going and decades from now make the memory a story of heroism. How you could have given up but you didn't. This is your story - make it a legend.

They're YOUR emotions.
They don't control you,
You control them.

They're YOUR thoughts.
They don't control you,
You control them.

It's YOUR life.
Life doesn't own you.
You own it.

Me, and many others believe in you, my friend. I might not know you but just from your very first message I can tell you're clever and think about things important to you. Maybe not everyone gets that, but remember that there are billions of people in the world. I promise to you, it will be a life worth living :)
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Hidden 8 yrs ago Post by Xylin
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Xylin

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I know exactly how you feel and I mean it, I do.

I've struggled with depression even before I lost my father to cancer last year because of my high school experiences and just being an only child with no friends. I mean, I wasn't always an only child because I had an older brother but I lost him to cancer too when I was five which was years ago before my father. Now, it's just my mother and I. Grief is strong in my family, I've lost so many family members and there will be times -- not often as before -- where I think, "I wonder who the next one is going to be." It's just so natural to do now.

As far as my experience goes, this year I've had two ugly incidents and the first one was in February where I took more sleeping pills than I should've. I got in this ugly fight with my mom and even in my suffering before we got home from work, I'd try to make amends with her and sometimes just scream to scream. It was a lot of energy and emotion, and pain. A lot of pain. When I took the pills, I immediately called 911 because I was just terrified at what I'd done. I had thoughts of it but had never gone so close to actually doing it; it was like I was on auto-pilot the whole time, kind of just there but not all there, like you're looking at the whole thing on the bleachers. I'll never forget how much my mom broke down at the hospital just repeating to me how much she'd promise to take my to Disneyland again because that place is home for me and I'm 21. I remember that she brought some dolls that I collect from Disney movies and crying even more sometimes at the thought that I was going to be gone in a few minutes if not sooner. She told me that weeks later and just how much depression overwhelmed her when she drove behind that ambulance. We both can't find the words for that day.

Months later, a new friend came along like I'd always prayed. Relentlessly. He and I are still the bestest friends ever and he's saved me through a lot of ruts.

Last Saturday was my most recent and I did have a knife but didn't know quite what to do with it. I just kept thinking, maybe I should angle it this way and lightly slit on my forearm so I won't bleed out but I was terrified once again and just when the door opened, it was my mom and the police since she knew something was wrong with me.

I was given one of the most interesting words by the guy who said:

There is only one of you and only has been one of you out of all the time this world has existed. There is no one like you and nor will there ever be. Life would suck without you because you're the only one who has special qualities that no one else has because those qualities belong to you. Life wants you here and I do too, we all do. If you don't want you here, can I please want you here? Can all of us want you here?

@Lilygold, I want you here and we all do too, take it from me someone who's been through so many cycles of pain and grief. I want you to because I want to be your friend and not because I pity you. Never. I actually want to be your friend and want you to chat my ear off or make me go happily blind by reading your messages. I'd be happy to share what I've learned despite it all and I can tell you that there's a lot to look forward to. Staying here is definitely worth it.

I promise.
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Hidden 8 yrs ago 8 yrs ago Post by Lilygold
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Lilygold Private First Class / Bot Killer Squad

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Hello again.

I just wanted to thank everyone. People have messaged me, left messages for me, gone out of their way to contact me, and I hear their words. I've said it to those people countless times but words are a gift to me, like no other could be. I cry every time, because somebody wants to talk to me, and sometimes I don't even have strength enough to answer them back because I'm afraid I won't be able to see those words the next morning. I don't want them to hope for me.

I hope nobody minds if I use this as a place to tell my story.



I'm sorry for talking so long. I should probably cut this off now. Just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. It's why people talking to me makes me so emotional. It just seems wrong for a stranger to talk to me - encourage me, even - when my life has been so devoid of conversation. The life of a mute, hear so much noise it drowns you and not a single sound your way. A saltwater sea of needless noise for the perched throat of mine. Anyway, in conclusion. I just needed to put that out there so that people understood if I said something about words being a commodity or some weird shit like that.
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