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"Mecha Cowboys" has less than a thousand hits on Google. I've never been more upset.
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RP Concept: "Screw just the plans, we're stealing the Death Star and taking that baby for a joyride!"
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The VeggieTales theme song has been stuck in my head for at least three days now. Can't decide if it a good or bad thing yet.
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Writer of schlock dressed up in some decent clothes.

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Here. Take a human.


Solange - The Faded Lantern Tavern & Inn

They would settle for silver even when gold is just around the corner.



The pen slashed like a switchblade in the hands of a streetrat, bleeding out ink upon the page as a long finger idly traced the rim of her wine glass. Solange couldn’t remember when she had exactly picked up the habit that blocked other fingers from getting near the rim, but she imagined it had to be sometime after she’d spiked her first drink. She remembered standing next to the lavatory door with her ear cupped against the grain, holding back a smile as she heard the sobs and wretches from the otherside before giving away her position with a gentle knock. A few kind words, a hand to hold back the greasy locks of hair, and one embroidered handkerchief she never got back later and Solange had turned a rival into a lifelong friend. It was a shame that whatshername’s life didn’t end up being so long, but what could one expect from someone foolish enough to attempt to steal from Fontaine?

Solange never wanted to find herself in that girl’s spot, so desperate for the kindness of another person that she’d waste her life just because they offhandedly mentioned how they’d love to wear Fontaine’s necklace. She huffed dismissively and lifted the wine glass up to her mouth, nostrils flaring ever so slightly before she pressed her lips to the rim. Cautious, yes. Paranoid, perhaps. Safe, certainly. Solange took the smallest of sips, her face wrinkling ever the slightest at the swirl she had ordered. It was yet another thing the Red Sail had over the Faded Lantern. She set the glass down on the counter, twisting it ever so slightly so that the embellishment faced her, and returned to tracing the rim as she wrote.

“Whatcha writing?”

Solange closed her eyes, inhaled sharply, and smothered the sigh in its infancy. Another thing the Red Sail had over the Faded Lantern: the girls there knew when to not pester the customers. Solange opened her eyes, fixed a soft smile on her face, and looked up. The tavern had filled since she had sat down. Tables were crowded with sailors and dockhands drenched in a potent mixture of rain, sweat, and spilled grog. A game of cards was going. Solange smirked as one of the men slipped an ace out of his sleeve before her attention turned to the woman who had sidled up against the bar, her black hair chopped sloppily at her chin, her heavy makeup, the branding used by all of her peers, rivaling that of a court jester.

Solange shifted in her seat. Comradity wasn’t a common occurrence amongst the competition—the daggers the girls had first shot Solange when she’d entered the tavern made that clear. Perhaps the other prostitute had noticed the shift in the shoulder when a man had approached Solange earlier and made a show about dropping his coin purse on the counter to make the gold jingle. Perhaps she, like Solange, was trying to avoid work. Then again, the way she was marketing herself by folding her arms underneath her bosom and pushing up meant that perhaps she was the kind who didn’t limit her market. Perhaps it was just muscle memory. Solanged snapped her book shut.

“Why do you ask?” asked Solange, her hand completely cupping the top of her wine glass.

“No reason. Just don’t see whores writing much.”

“Careful, love. Imagine how insulted I would be if I were a lady,” said Solange, fully aware that no lady would drink alone or even desire to step foot through the doors of the Faded Lantern. “Things considered, I feel like you wouldn’t see many other kinds people writing in this place either.”

Solange gestured toward the card table as emphasis, where one man was now yelling and pointing at the card sharp. Seems like he noticed the color on the back of the card was off, too. The woman shrugged. She seemed to be waiting for Solange’s reply to her original question. Flipping the book back open, Solange twisted the page so that it was easier for the other woman to read as she began to explain her process of categorizing and budgeting medicinal herbs for a quick-acting muscle relaxer she was working on. She neglected to mention that the relaxer would, ideally, make it impossible for a man to stand upright or defend themselves, turning them into a pile of bones and flesh long enough for someone to ventilate a jugular.

She caught the woman’s eye as she continued to explain about her process and saw a familiar look. It wasn’t the usual look of confusion or distrust she received when gushing about the marvels of medicine, but rather the familiar look that Fontaine’s girls gave her when something was off. Solange snapped her book closed, drained her drink, and snatched the woman by the hand. “Oh you pretty thing, why didn’t you interrupt me?” “I wanted to be sure it was you. I—” “Shush, not where others can hear. Lead me to your private chamber.”

Solange allowed the woman to drag her out of the common room right as a crack cut through the chatter and was followed by cheers as the card sharp ate a right hook like a champ. Solange wrinkled her nose; something always came up just when things were getting good. She heard a surge of energy, a bellow, a pause in the music, and then several echoing shouts behind her as the fight was carried outside as the music picked back up without even missing a note. Solange cast a glance over her shoulder to make sure they were not being followed as the woman led her up three flights of stairs and into a dimly lit room.

Solange joined the woman who sat on the bed and gave her hand a squeeze. This close she could smell the alcohol on the woman. Even in the lowlight and with the makeup it was clear that the woman was much older than Solange, perhaps twice her age. Tears ruined her rouge. Something about all of this was crushing, as if a door had been laid on top of her and weighted down with stones. Would this be Solange’s future, drunk and seeking comfort from a stranger, if she did not get out of the trade? Thoughts of how she could exploit the woman surfaced in her head next; she pushed them to the side for now and wrapped an arm around the sobbing older woman.

“There, there. Seeking help is the hardest part and you have already climbed that mountain. What’s your name, dear?” asked Solange, her low like a lover’s whisper.

“Magarette.”

“Okay, Magarette, we’re going to get through this together. Now then,” she said, the warmth in her voice falling away as she produced her journal. Solange shifted on the side of the bed, pulled back from the other woman, brushed a wisp of red hair behind her ear, and tucked a leg under her knee. “Tell me everything and I will make it all right.



The sad truth is that most people enjoy being lied to if it makes them feel safe.



“Can you read? asked Solange, her voice punctuated with the sharp thunder of a sheet being torn from her journal. Scratched upon it in fine, flowing script was a detailed list of ingredients and instructions. Magarette shook her head no, to which Solange folded the sheet into a triangle and pressed it in the woman’s hand with a single gold piece.“Go to Thistleleaf Apothecary and give this to the man behind the counter. Don’t worry, he’s discrete, but do not give the letter to his wife unless you want the whole town to hear about your ailment. The gold will cover the components with enough bits to spare to get a scone from the bakery next door as he prepares the order. Just get the paper back once he is finished. If none of the girls here can read then ask for Renata at the Red Sail if I am not there. Garlic and acacia can be used to prevent it from happening again, although know that you know what to look for I imagine prevention will happen earlier.”

“Thank you, thank you. I have no clue how to repay you.”

Solange smiled. Fortunately she had a dozen methods already planned, but there was only one she could cull and knowing the woman could not read made it all the better. She reached into her bodice and plucked out the letter, sealed with wax to make it look official and spritzed with her perfume to entice interest. “Do you want to watch your boss polymorph into a giving man?” asked Solange, winking as Magarette took it from her. “Tell Lord Vargas it’s from his secret admirer and that she refuses to allow you to deliver that letter unless he gives you the night off. Mark my words, love, he’ll give you the week.”

Solange watched as Magarette carefully tucked the letter into her shirt and quickly left the room to do as she was told. A sweet woman, but a stupid one. Solange shifted down the bed until she sat next to the nightstand and tried the handle. It jiggled, but didn’t slide open. Solange smirked. The old hag was smarter than she had thought. Reaching back, she plucked a single pin from her red waves of hair, crouched down beside the bedside table, and slid the pin into the tiny keyhole. With a flick of the wrist and a light bump against the handle, Solange’s face fell as the hairpin snapped. A second and third attempt saw equal amounts of failure. Anymore she was risking not looking her best for Lord Vargas.

Frustrated, she slid the broken hairpins under the bed and returned to the bar. The music was still a lively jaunt, and the empty spot at the card table had been filled once more. Even her seat at the bar was still open, as if the world dared to not inconvenience her any further. Fine, she would forgive it for the day. Solange ordered another glass of red, which she guarded as dearly as the last, and flipped open her journal to review the notes on the men who had last slept with Magarette. Potential piggy banks each and every one of them, assuming she could ever find them based upon her largely useless descriptions to even try to crack open their porcine and porcelain bodies for the bounty hiding inside. Still, a girl could dream. She sipped her wine and schemed her schemes, humming quietly to the tune as she waited to hear word from her latest victim.


Solange Belgard
Level: 1
Class: Seducer/Thief (novice)
Currency: 18G, 59 bits
Ammunition: Verbal
Armor: +0, Common Clothing

Vitality: 10
Status: Scheming



Solange's Misfortune
Aw yeah it's time to get rolling, @Arkitekt.

Get it? Because there's dice mechanics and...I'll just leave this here and show myself out...

Gonna formally submit my interest. So good to see this come back.






It was difficult to tell by the black scarf covering his mouth or the determined look in his eyes, but Ezra was furious that they were all marching through the woods following some teenager with a hard-on for confrontation. He’d thought that Arabelle’s idea to get in touch with the cult’s traitor had been the most solid of the one’s proposed, but his family had drowned out logic with bickering and infighting. Now what was the plan? Show up at their front door, hope to hit them with a couple of suckerpunchs, and run them out of town? Stupid. An icy cloud of breath escaped from Ezra’s scarf. His boots cracked on snow and twigs and he continued after Justin in silence.

His body felt like it was being weighed down. Ezra tugged on the duffel bag hanging from his shoulder to try to make it less strenuous, but it seemed to change nothing. Perhaps it was just a drawback from lugging around the Masterpiece while walking through the woods. Maybe the weight he was feeling was a different one, tied to firearm squirreled away inside of his long, black winter coat. Going to kick in the door and bloody their noses as some chest-beating sign of strength would just keep the cycle of violence spinning, but amputating a few choice limbs would force the cult to let go of the merry-go-round, smack their head open on the concrete, and get the dangerous, rusted playground equipment permanently removed from the park. Justin had insisted that they avoid killing, but Justin was also a naive kid who’d probably think that every confrontation could be solved by gathering in a circle and singing Kumbaya.

"Alright, team, huddle," said Justin right on time, causing Ezra to break his silence with a quiet chuckle.

Ezra heard the branch snapped above and sidestepped to avoid the sudden shower of snow as he made his way over to their pee wee football coach. In the trees above, Nisha giggled as her foot broke a weakened branch and had to catch herself from falling with the Slaugh’s Long Arms. She’d joined the Vanburens on their woodtime assault even though nobody had asked her and, quite frankly, nobody had wanted her. Nisha knew from experience that only fun things ever happened in the woods at night, especially if some chucklefuck was stupid enough to bring a few bottles of Buckie with them. Besides, her “family” needed her to infiltrate the cult’s hideout and pretend to be joining. That was the plan right, after all? She had been distracted by Georgie’s little outburst to focus on the task at hand. Nisha smirked, thinking about how the girl had just dunked on her entire family. She was an utter bitch; Nisha quite liked her.

When they had made it to the woods, Nisha had taken it upon herself to play the role of the lookout. In actuality, all the girl had done was give herself an excuse to swing from the tops of trees like some kind of tentacled Tarzan. The Phantom Limbs had made it simple for her to scale up on, and every now and then the Vanburens would hear a branch shake from above as Nisha made her way through the treeline above. She was surprisingly silent with the exception of the occasional laugh when something bad happened or when she dropped snow on someone.

When Justin called for the huddle, Nisha dropped down from a branch with the same intensity of a jumpscare on a haunted trail. The only thing stopping her from crumpling to the ground were the watery limbs jutting out of her shoulder blades that snapped back into her as she landed softly on the snow below. Her bare arms were riddled with tiny scrapes and scratches, and one cut on her temple from a rogue branch was deep enough to cause it to bleed a tiny, harmless trickle. Nisha seemed as unbothered by her cuts as she was by the cold, still dressed for lounging on a couch while binging episodes of trashy teen dramas instead of a nighttime excursion in the woods. She bounded over to Justin, eager as ever, ready for a winter rumble.

"... Why you all look like you're ready to go to war."

Nisha turned with Justin and let out a surprised little shout as she saw the suited skeleton speaking. Instinctively, the four Phantom Limbs shot out of her and grabbed on to the trees behind her, slinging her back a few yards before snapping back into her body as she felt a warmth in the back of her head. Ezra’s reaction was more muted. He had seen what he thought was a deer approaching at first, and when its true form came clear he was able to keep his shock down to a simple eyebrow raise. He let the duffel bag slide from his shoulder to his hand as the thing spoke, ask questions that were strangely pointed. Ezra slid his scarf down to under his chin, a slightly amused smile on his face as the creature told Justin off.

“It sounds like you already know the answer to that question,” said Ezra, his steady voice managing to hide the fear he felt in the pit of his stomach. “So what of it? Are you a friend to those cult freaks? An ally of the Triple Goddess?”

“Are you her ex? Casual hookup?” asked Nisha loudly. These were the important, helpful questions that would crack open this mysterious intruder and spill the beans on his plans. Her smile was smacked from her face as she caught a sharp glance from Ezra. Under her breath, so she would avoid being hit by another piercing stare, she muttered, “You two do a lotta boning?”





By the time Nisha finished explaining how she even knew all of the graphic methods of interrogation they could use on Morgana the conversation had long abandoned her and moved on. Her pal from the cafe, Ara...Are...Arielle? Arabelle. Right. Her friend Arabelle had joined the squad of soured faces, still clutching that security blanket of a skull, before the pudgy one whisked it away. Nisha had expected more of a fuss seeing how cagey Arabelle had been about the skull earlier that day, but apparently there was a pecking order. The girl turned on her, speaking with a posh English accent that Nisha assumed Her Royal Majesty was using to mock her for using both less fancy words and verbal wanking.

"And keep mum around...that. Can't have outsiders knowing too much."

Nisha winked and smiled at Georgie, seemingly unfettered by the jab. Truth be told, “that” was one of the nicer things Nisha felt that she had been referred to in her life. Generally, “that” was followed by something much worse. Alone, it didn’t really sting at all. What really hurt was how the family wasn’t absolutely jumping on board her fantastic idea. The sad(dest) looking guy said something about hoping she was a better actor than a Vanburen. She couldn’t help but quietly chuckle to herself as his insinuation went completely over her head.

The plan to come up with a plan had derailed itself as the cute guy hosting their little assembly began to spin hot, flaming balls around himself to show off his abilities and prompt the others to do the same. Nisha watched with widening eyes as several of the Vanburens demonstrated—god she was sure Her Royal Majesty was going to shit herself when Ezra had started pouring out the tea. This whole family had magic? That made everything so much more fun. Hopefully none of them could read minds. Or sense apparitions.

"What can you do, though?”asked the rock guy, perhaps unaware of how hard Nisha had been fiending for someone to ask her to show off. Nisha shrugged. “If you're gonna be here... would be better if you help us with this dumb plan."

Raymond had nearly finished his sentence as a mischievous smile began to stretch on the shrugging girl’s face as four phantom limbs crept out of her body and joined in with the shrug. Then in a flash the Long Arms reached up, grabbed two different sections of an overhanging outcropping from the second-story of the house, and suddenly flung Nisha up into the air. A rush of adrenaline spiked through her system as the Long Arms grabbed the rooftop and she violently hurled herself up even higher. She cackled with childish glee as she hit the peak of her arc and began plummeting back down to the patio. Maybe she should give them all a shock and show them all of her abilities. No, don’t rush it, dearie. Keep some tricks to yourself. Nisha sighed as her phantom limbs hit the ground first instead to break her fall, spidering out but barely bending as they kept her several feet from even touching the ground.

“Ta-da! Pretty cool right? But wait, there’s more!” she asked, waiting for no affirmation as the watery limbs poofed away. She dropped the remaining couple of feet and the limbs cascaded out of her body once again, this time snaking around the patio and looping between Vanburens to show off her control of them before they snapped back to her side and wiggled about like a quartet of wavy tube men caught up in a crosswind. “So much weird stuff I could do with these bad boys. They can pretty much squeeze through anything, so if you lock yourselves out of your Porsche or something feel free to give me a call. “

“So does this mean everyone in this family has some kind of super special power?”
asked Nisha, followed by a sharp inhale of excitement. “This is so cool. Wait!” Nisha pointed a finger at Georgie. However, she was looking at Sabrina, who had a phantom limb hovering a few feet away from her face and pointing towards her, while the other three limbs had each pointed towards a different Vanburen. “So what can you do!?”






Ezra felt the web of a slow, creeping migraine spread from the back of his eye to the base of his neck as his family threw their pennies into the pot. Nisha’s asinine idea (which she was still embellishing upon in the background, underneath the voices of the other Vanburens) was followed with a more sensible one from Arabelle. His eyes lit up as Georgie stashed the ram skull in her secret vault of roses. It was potentially an ingenious solution to their little theft problem, yet the only kudos he gave her was a nod of approval upon her return.

Whatever warmth had begun to radiate from him for his family was quickly cooled as Shane excused himself to go raid the old man’s bar—Ezra’s bar, actually. Ezra thought to go after Shane, either to stop his half-brother from sliding further into his addiction or to, at the very least, stop him from drinking Ezra’s good scotch. Alternatively, the idea of grabbing a nip to ease the throbbing in his brain sounded pretty good too. Unfortunately, he was obligated to stay and play his part as head of the house, slipping away only for a minute to grab himself a cup of tea.

Justin had moved on from making it clear that they had to deal with the Triple Goddess no matter what and had moved on to dismantling Sabrina’s suggestion to call the cops. As a rich, white, middle-aged man it had been Ezra’s first thought, but he’d quickly come to the same conclusion that Liao did. Naturally, they wouldn’t say anything about magic being involved, just that a group of hooligans had raided their house, damaged their property, and assaulted their persons. Nevertheless, it would be negligent to call the cops on people who commanded hellhounds and whipped up tidal waves—might as well just call Officer Dewey over and feed him to LeBeau and save the time.

"So, uh, what can you all do by the way?" asked Justin before he demonstrated his own abstraction.

“How to even...I improve people and things. Temporarily, anyway,” said Ezra with a wave of his hand. “I can Configure the size of an item or make it a perfect Masterpiece, nigh indestructible, flawless in its design, and even capable of being an infinite resource...as long as I am able to maintain the spell, that is.”

As he spoke, the tea cup served as a model for the demonstration. As the memento bracelet on his wrist glowed orange and swirled with faint sigils, the cup doubled in size and then shrunk back down to normal as he channeled the entirety of the item to become a Masterpiece. He walked over to the edge of the deck so as to not make a mess and the channeling stopped, the cup radiating an orange light before the energy faded. Then, he glowed for a split second as he made himself a Prodigy. He began to pour the steaming hot tea out, his eyes focusing on Justin nonchalantly as the drink continued to endlessly flow.

“I could spend the next several hours explaining to you the proper etiquette for a tea ceremony, the history behind ceramics, or just blindly taste test teas til the charm wears off of me explaining to you the subtle difference between Earl Grey and Lady Grey, but I think that’d be a bit excessive,” said Ezra. He tilted the cup back up, which by then had poured out several gallons worth and had melted a fair chunk of the snow below him, and dropped the spells. “After all, my siblings need their go, and we still need to get back to the real discussion on hand.”

“Which, for the record, I think Arabelle's idea to contact the girl is the most sound. At the very least we’ll know what we’re up against. We don't even know if who attacked was the entirety of their cult or not,”
said Ezra. He gestured to his siblings. "But we'll get back to that. Who wants to go next in show-and-tell for Mr. Liao?"



Earlier, the Hospital


Okay, okay, okay. Nisha knew now, as the ungentle nurse used a cotton swab to fence with her uvula and tested the limits of her gag reflex, wasn’t the time to panic. She needed a plan. Another plan, actually. Plan one had been to stop the test. It was simple enough: she could swab the nurse’s throat with one of the Long Arms of the Slaugh and see whatever she could rip out until the nurse stopped swabbing. Of course, then she’d have to deal with being charged for murder, or potentially another nurse. She could just off that one too, but killing the entire overworked hospital staff wasn’t really a plan.

Neither was her second idea, which was to burn the motherfucker down. The third was to pull off the old switcheroo and swap the swab with a dummy one that wasn’t covered with whatever booze that was still lingering in the back of her esophagus. However, that plan was dashed because it arrived about three seconds after the nurse had finished shoving the swab into the bottom of Nisha’s stomach and gingerly popped it into the vial, cruelly adding a “There, see? Not so bad,” as Nisha resisted the urge to yak. That left Nisha with one option and one option only: she’d have to steal it after hours. Filing Operation: Spit Take firmly into the “good idea” mental filing cabinet, Nisha hopped off of the white sanitary paper and followed the nurse to the lobby.

Nisha watched which ward the nurse headed down after she had returned Nisha to her guardian. Ezra was in a conversation with a female doctor with straight, blonde hair that was in such a tight ponytail that just looking at it gave Nisha a contact headache. Although Ezra looked as calm as ever, there was a redness to the doctor’s cheeks and a wagging of a finger that showed their conversation wasn’t casual small talk. It came to an abrupt halt as the blonde woman held up her hand and walked away, her heels clacking as she left the lobby. Nisha watched Ezra stare after her, swearing that she caught a faint smirk on his face.

Ezra wouldn’t admit it, but he had been smirking. He had just convinced Dr. Vaught to run some tests on the bloodsoaked knife he’d recovered from one of the cultists. Sure, Anne had been right when she said it was unprofessional, and unscrupulous, and, yes, even a bit uncool to put a friend in that kind of spot, but it was a spot Ezra knew he could put Anne in and that she would still pull through and they would still be on good terms. He just owed her dinner, and maybe a written apology. Smartest person he knew, but still a sucker for the sentiment. It’d take a day or two, and possibly three out of spite, but he should have the identity of one of the cultists soon enough. Anne had even promised to call him if anyone came in with a knife wound.

“She looked pissed. You two dating?” asked Nisha.

Ezra gave Nisha a blank stare. He not only didn’t trust the young woman, he was also fairly certain he didn’t like her. After what had been basically an interrogation, their talk had shifted into getting to know a little bit about one another. Well, okay, it had been Nisha dominating the conversation and talking about herself for nearly twenty minutes straight. She was rude, seemed impulsive, and sounded from her choices in life that she was fairly self-destructive. Honestly, those bad qualities made him believe that perhaps there was a chance that she was his father’s daughter after all. James wasn’t one to control his urges.

Regardless, Ezra wasn’t going to speak about his dating life with a stranger. He ignored the question and said, “How did it go?”

“Great. Is she your ex?” asked Nisha, studying Ezra’s face for some kind of revelation. “Casual hookup?” He blinked. She considered that to be a definite yes. “Oooh, you dirty dog! Sounds like you’re a chip off of the ol’ block, eh? Like father like son, huh? Apple doesn’t fall too far from the—”

“Oh look, I think that’s Arabelle,” said Ezra, rushing in the direction of some random woman and praying that the actual Arabelle would be released soon enough.


Now, the Vanburen Estate



Nisha finally understood the nature of Ezra’s pointed interrogation when it had just been the two of them in the car upon their arrival at the mansion. In fact, he had downplayed it quite a bit. It hadn’t just been a break-in, it had been a full blown assault on the mansion. Someone must’ve brought some serious firepower to blow a hole in the wall that large. Ezra made some quick rounds with her to give her the lay of the mansion and show her the guest house she’d be staying in for the time being. He even did the honors of introducing her to the handful of Vanburens that were still around, taking them aside to what Nisha assumed was to ease their suspicion.

In reality, Ezra had reminded them of what James’ policy was on alleged offspring and to treat Nisha like a guest, but to remain vigilant around the girl and be careful what they mention around her. Even when James was around to expedite the process he was always suspicious anytime someone came knocking about being a new Vanburen, and her timing in relation to the attack did little to ease his nerves. Still, on the miniscule chance that she was family or at least believed that she was then he didn’t want her first impression of the Vanburens to be negatively colored by the tension brought upon by the day's events. Although it was hard to tell between the exhaustive girl and his extensive family which one would give off the worst impression in the first place.

Regardless, it wasn’t long after Nisha had found herself settling in and turning the guest house into a guest home by tossing all of her shit around in a mess that would seem chaotic to anyone but her that she noticed a small group of rich marks gathering on the patio. She gritted her teeth and flared her nostrils with a huff. First day “home” and they didn’t even invite her to the winter cookout? Well, she wouldn’t let a lack of a proper invitation stop her. She’d just crash the party. Nisha rushed out of the guest house barefoot without even thinking to throw a jacket on over her purple tank. Nevertheless, she trekked through the snow to the patio without even noticing the cold, seemingly heated by her spirits.

Ezra gave her a quizzical look as she snuck in behind the others. He put a finger to his lips as Justin started to speak, silencing the complaint that was about to come from Nisha’s mouth. Her eyes widened as the kid went on about a cult that lived in the woods and about how they should fight them and rambled on about gods and goddesses and, holy shit, it looked like everyone was taking this seriously. A gleeful smile spread on Nisha’s face as the Vanburens started chiming in support of the idea. Either these rich people were crazy, or the hot asian dude was a brilliant swindler, or what they said was true, or a little bit of everything. No matter what, this was going to be fucking fun.

“Oh, oh! I can help!” Nisha excitedly jumped forward in front of the gathering of what were basically total strangers, waving her hand in the air like a know-it-all teacher’s pet eager to volunteer to show the class how to diagram a sentence. “They don’t know I’m one of you, you know? So I could go in pretending like I’m really there to join the Horny God Cult—” “Nisha.” “—but really I’m not there for that I’m there to help you guys fight them and like I can drug their drinks—” “Nisha.””—or set off a bomb or do something really cool to fuck them over while you all charge in like a couple of badasses and—”

“Nisha, hold on!” barked Ezra in a rare moment of visual frustration. He stepped forward, grabbed the bothersome woman by the shoulder, and lightly shoved her out of the circle. His tired eyes scanned the faces of his family, a look of reprimand striking upon those who’d spoken up in support of this idea, and then his face relaxed as he sighed. He pushed his hair back, rolled his shoulders, and resumed his cool demeanor.

“Why are we immediately jumping to the idea that we go in swinging? Like you said, Justin, they caught us unprepared and still lost. They didn’t get what they wanted, they were forced to retreat, and they took casualties while we only lost the use of our dining room until repairs are done and the bearskin rug in the entryway that, in hindsight, was a bit tacky. I honestly think the threat of violence would be better than actual violence, and I rather not go murder a bunch of people who might have family that might start asking question. So before we go galavanting off to assault what seems like a couple of losers who hang out in a ransacked Five Seasons maybe we could try brainstorming a few other ideas? Anyone?”

Ezra closed his eyes and tightened his lips as Nisha spoke up again, “What if I pretend to join their cult but, but, but instead of kicking their asses I instead lead their leader to a mirror? And then Arabelle and I could pull them through and they’ll have nobody to follow, causing a power vacuum which will make them turn on one another and crumble from the inside.”

“That is, by definition, technically an idea,” said Ezra, as Nisha continued rambling on about something involving a car battery and jumper cables. “Anyone else?”

The please was unsaid, but heavily implied.
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