The discussion left behind countless questions. Sylvia wondered what happened after she left, not knowing if “They” started shouting at each other again, or if “They” managed to make up. But if she were honest with herself, she did not want to know. She did not even want to be in the same room as them, the wounds still fresh and lingering in her soul.
Hotaru’s words cut especially deep. What did Sylvia even do to make the warrior hate her so much? And why did Ember lie like that when she told the truth later on? It all made her head swim, hours blending into one another until she completely lost track of where she was.
Really, she wandered wherever her legs took her. She deliberately avoided people by taking the small alleys between the main roads, always sticking to the emptier side. The only difference between her usual walk was that she kept her head up in order to see if she could find anything to occupy her frazzled mind. Except, she only found a green-eyed ghost staring back at her, along with fragments of Roche.
Stinging pain bloomed in her chest as she walked, her friend seemingly at every corner. Every store front had something that Sylvia swore would suit Roche. Every bystander seemed like a shadow of her one and only friend. And yet every step took her further away from the rulekeeper. Maybe it was what she needed right now. What she had to go through. She could think of it as a trial arranged by Grandmother and Grandfather.
But the protector did not like it. It made the feeling in her chest worse. It weighed down her steps. So much that in the end, she chose to sit down on a bench to take a break, inadvertently locking her gaze at the mountain nearby.
It loomed over her like a ghastly titan. Looked at her with evil eyes. It had stolen the light from Hibusa, and prevented the rays of warmth from reaching the protector. Like Grandfather standing over her with that glint in his eyes, looking for any signs to punish Sylvia.
She shook her head as hard as she could, whipping it side-to-side. It was all right. “They” were no longer a part of her life. Even though she gripped the bench so hard it almost shattered, it was all right. Sylvia had to bear it. She had to grit her teeth. Lock everything in, keep her lips pursed so her screams would not escape and stir up her family.
But before she could sink too deep into her thoughts, she heard rhythmic footsteps. They pitter-pattered against concrete, making Sylvia perk up and see a familiar face approaching. Wearing warm exercise clothes fit for the season, the protector saw Haruna approach her, and even if she wanted to flee in her heart, the streets were empty. It would have probably made Haruna feel horrible, especially since she could recognise Shuuko’s body.
Haruna probably had not seen Shuuko this frazzled, though. Even if the body sat leaned back on the bench, even if there were no signs of a fight present on it, Shuuko still looked harrowed. It was almost as though she had bags beneath her eyes, not to mention the colour had drained from her face. Which could be interpreted as the cold seeping into the bones of someone who wore only a t-shirt with a pair of trousers.
Haruna slowed as she approached, squinting. The reverse happened as she figured out what she was looking at, eyes widening and breaking into a sprint. “Shuuko!” She skidded to a halt as she got closer, nearly running past the other club member in an effort to get there fast without crashing into Shuuko. “Are you alright?” Haruna was already taking off her jacket, exposing a sweat-stained t-shirt to the air. “Here, put this on.” She held it out.
Shuuko jolted, almost shooting into the stratosphere as she heard her name. Her head swung towards Haruna with wide eyes, looking like a rabbit who found itself in the crosshairs of an eagle. She became even paler for a second, her shoulders squaring before she recognised Haruna from their brief meeting in the club room and she let herself exhale. Her hands also stopped gripping the bench with as much strength as before.
Then her eyes got even wider when he jacket was offered, flittering between it and Haruna.
“Umm… Won’t you be cold that way?” asked Sylvia, her tone a far cry from how she had addressed Haruna when they met. There was practically none of the energy from their first meeting, nor the polite, but confident tone of Ember… whom she definitely was not. Nor could she even strive to imitate it.
“Well, yeah, but I’ll be fine. You look like you need it a lot more than I do, right now.” She continued to hold it toward the other girl; it seemed like she wouldn’t take no for an answer. “What are you doing out here in the cold alone? You look like something really bad happened.” Haruna gave the girl what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m here to help, so you don’t need to worry right now.”
“I can’t take it from you.” Sylvia shook her head. “W-we’d be both become sick!” She tripped over her tongue as she looked up at Haruna, then immediately glanced away. “And umm… Nothing happened. Nothing bad.” What a bald-faced, absurd lie. But she did not want to confess whatever was on her mind. It would only make the situation worse anyways.
”Er… what are you doing here? And um… please take your jacket back. R-really. I don’t need it.” The protector repeated her plea just in case Haruna had not heard the first time. She would be fine. Even if Sylvia skipped a day or two from school, no one would miss her.
The light girl let the jacket drop to her side for the moment, but didn’t put it back on. “I was just out running. I come up this direction pretty regularly, since it has nice views and the incline is good for training. I think the actual question is what you’re doing here. I’m not going to force you to tell me everything, but I am here to talk to if you need someone, and I can try to help you to somewhere that’s a little warmer if you need.”
Sylvia shook her head at the offer. She could not possibly tell Haruna everything that worried her so and it would be rude to impose on the other girl, or at least so she told herself despite the chill starting to settle into her bones. But again, who would miss her at school anyways?
”Umm. I’m… I’m happy you offered, but I really don’t want you to get sick,” she responded. ”I’m just… umm. I’m…” Really, what was she doing here? It was not like the mountains would offer an answer to any of her questions, a realisation that had her shoulders drop. ”I don’t know.”
Her admission sounded as though she had suffered the world’s greatest defeat.
Seeing the way Shuuko was acting, Haruna took matters into her own hands. She draped the jacket around the fragmented dark girl despite the protests, then sat down next to her. “Talk to me,” she said straightforwardly. “I’m not leaving until I know you’ll be okay.” Haruna didn’t exactly need her magic to tell that Sylvia desperately wanted someone to confide in, to provide a little guidance, but felt she wasn’t worthy of the help somehow. “I promise I will only be more annoying if you don’t.” She added a smile to this statement.
”Good girls don't talk about family affairs,” responded Sylvia almost as though she were quoting someone. She dared not look at Haruna, keeping her gaze straight ahead. The only thing that changed were her hands wandering into her lap, gripping her knees. ”S-so… I can’t tell… I’m sorry.” However, she did want to if it were not for something forcing the silence. One could almost hear the silent plea for help, the wailing against unseen chains in the way her voice cracked.
Haruna, without further hesitation, pulled the girl into a hug. “It’s okay. Nobody’s going to hurt you right now.” She wasn’t sure if it was the right decision, given the context. . . but her fellow club member was liable to catch her death out here, too. “You don’t actually have to say anything to me if you don’t want to.” The light girl said this despite her knowledge of how Sylvia felt. “But there’s nobody else here. Nobody will hear you say anything except me, and all I’m interested in doing is making sure you’re safe.”
Sylvia went rigid. Haruna would have likely felt as though she were embracing a cold, unfeeling statue. In fact, Sylvia looked as though she wanted to be anywhere, her eyes darting all over the place before she let out a big breath, right at the same time Haruna let go of her.
”It’s… It’s not… I shouldn’t tell you,” Sylvia repeated. ”But umm… It’s complicated.” Her brows frowned. One could almost see the gears in her head turn as she tried to find the words, to desperately search for a way to speak of secrets without speaking of secrets until she found something she could talk about from the bottom of her heart.
”I don’t want to get hurt.” She sounded more confident now. ”But I think if I won’t get hurt, it’ll be painful for my friends.”
Haruna nodded. “I’m pretty sure I understand that.” She frowned and looked up at nothing in particular as she thought about the quandary. “It’s a tough situation. Usually it’s not your fault, though. It could be that your friends aren’t being fair to you. It’s mean to expect one person to take hurts for everyone else. It could also mean that you need to change your situation somehow, and get away from the thing hurting everyone in the first place. You might also not be having enough faith in the others; if they’re really your friends, then they’ll help you carry that burden.”
She started to reach her hand forward to clap on Sylvia’s shoulder, then swiftly thought better of it before continuing. “That also applies to me. I’m a big girl, I can handle a little extra pain if it means that someone else’s life will be better for it. The rest of the club, too; I’m sure they want you to do well as much or more than I do.”
”But it is my fault if they get hurt, isn’t it? If I don't feel it, then they will.” Sylvia’s hands clenched. ”I don't… I don't know if I want them to get hurt or not.” Her hands bunched up even further, starting to crumple her trousers. Her head along with her shoulders slumped forward, expression distorting into a grimace as she put her feelings into words.
“No,” Haruna said, firmly. “Not saving someone from being hurt isn’t the same thing as hurting them yourself, not at all. It’s either the fault of the person hurting them, their fault for not avoiding being hurt, or nobody’s fault because it was something out of anyone’s control. Okay?” She shifted forward, so she could look Sylvia in the eye. “It’s not your fault.”
”But it is! If I don’t get hurt, then they’re the ones who get hurt!” Sylvia’s frustration exploded, her voice like a whip before her whole body went rigid, exactly like a few moments ago. She let go of her trousers, then dropped her hands beside herself as a tremor ran through her and her voice changed dramatically.
”I’m sorry. Please forgive me for being a bad girl,” she said, taking upon her lips the words that would appease Them and closing her eyes.
“Hey. Shuuko.” Haruna spoke gently. “You aren’t doing anything wrong right now. There’s nothing to forgive.”
Sylvia just stared off into the distance as she awaited Their punishment. However, as the seconds dragged by, it refused to arrive and she was left with an awkward pause between them. Her head sunk low in response as she spared a glance at Haruna for a split second, looking like a spooked rabbit.
[colour=teal]”I’m sorry. I… don't know what to do.”[/color] She really did not. She sounded lost. Hopeless. Even though she knew what she desired, she had no idea how to reach it. She did not even know if she could rely on Ember and she had already burdened Roche too much.
“Just take a few deep breaths for now. Do you have anywhere to go that’s safe? It’ll be easier to think through this if you aren’t shivering on the side of the road.” She kept her voice calm for Sylvia’s benefit. “Maybe we’ll get you some food, too. Are you hungry?” It seemed like confronting whatever was happening all at once wasn’t going to help at this point - at least, not if the person she had to talk to was Haruna - so the next best option was to try to get her to feel more secure in her environment.
”I don’t think that’ll help.” Sylvia shook her head. ”It’s my fault. So I don’t think I can run away or eat things.” She nevertheless took a moment to compose herself before she looked back at Haruna. Her eyes searched for an answer, or really, any semblance of guidance that the other magical girl could offer.
“I’m not telling you to run away from anything,” Haruna said reassuringly. “Not yet, anyway. Think of it as. . . a tactical approach. You’re regrouping and making sure you’re ready before you jump into the fight again. And, hopefully, you’re getting some help from allies who’ll help make sure you come out at the end in one piece.”
”I… Yeah… I’m just a bad girl who can’t do anything right.” The protector agreed in her own way with Haruna. ”I don’t even- I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say.” Something that could have brought the situation into a new light almost slipped out when she spoke, but the protector stopped herself just short of it.
”How do I make up with them if they’re angry?” She practically rushed the question out to cover for her mistake, only to realise that it might sound even worse. Because that would imply she did not know how to make up with people. Which she should know, because Ember knew. But the schemer was nowhere near Sylvia.
“I guess that depends on who they are, a little, but there’s only really one way to do that when you really get down to brass tacks. You need to talk to them.” Haruna shrugged. “Whoever they are.” She was beginning to wonder at a few things, but there were a few pieces missing for her to land on any kind of answer. “I could help with that, too, if you need a mediator.”
If only Haruna could actually help make peace between them. It would be so much easier that way, but Hotaru would never listen to Haruna and Ember would be angry that Sylvia brought an outsider in. The other members of the Detention Club were likely of no help either; it was much too complicated to explain why there were three Shuukos. And worst of all, even if they explained it, they would likely have to run again. After all, who would accept someone like them?
”Isn't there anything else I could do? I’m not good at talking.” Sylvia asked of Haruna after she thought it through.
“That’s part of why I keep offering to help. It’s mostly not really about what you actually say, it’s getting those feelings across somehow.” She hesitated for a moment, thinking to herself before her head bobbed in a small nod. “I’m good at helping people talk through these things because of my magic. It doesn’t work as well on other magical girls,but I can still sense what people actually want. It lets me put it into words for them when they might not be able to.” One more brief moment of pause. “Also, yours have always been kind of. . . unusual.”
If Haruna focused on Sylvia’s desires, she would be able to make them out clearly. There were no conflicting voices or wants this time. Only a genuine sense of wanting to be safe and wanting to make up with people, probably the ones she was talking about right now.
Regardless, Sylvia raised her head at the claim, her eyes widening at the admission.
”Umm… that sounds useful.” Her comment came across as awkward and hesitant. Sure, the ability did sound useful, but what did it mean for her situation? Sylvia knew that both Hotaru and Ember wanted something different than her. So maybe Haruna already knew there were three of them.
“Is this related to why you told me not to be concerned when you acted like you’d never met me?” Her tone held no accusation, just curiosity. “I thought that was kinda strange, even though you had an explanation.”
Eh? How could that be? The protector did not have the schemer’s mind or her ability to remember interactions, but she felt sure she would know if any one of them had told that to Haruna. Sylvia’s eyes widened as she thought of that, her mouth opening slightly.
”Err… umm… uh… I didn't… umm… I don't remember telling you that?” she half-asked, half-affirmed as she tried to wrack her brain for any interaction between her, or her comrades and Haruna, only to come up completely blank. They only spoke briefly in the club, haven't they? Oh, if only Ember was here! She could talk her way out of the situation. But the only thing her useless self could do was have the blood drain from her face and look dumbstruck.
“You did, it was when you visited me at my apartment to apologize. Remember, you helped clean my room a little?” Haruna said, attempting to be helpful. “Is there something wrong with that?”
Sylvia froze, looking as though she turned into a statue of salt, because that was impossible. If anyone had wanted to visit Haruna, she would have remembered it, because the light girl seemed so nice. Almost as nice as Roche. And it did not look as though Haruna was lying. So what was going on?
”Ummm… I… err… I never saw you… like this… ummm…. Before the club.” She could not believe what she was saying, nor could she believe what she heard. It made no sense, so much that she did not know if even Ember could have straightened it out.
”Please. I don't want to be a bad girl, but I really don't remember.” Sylvia did not even know what she pleaded for, only that there was something deeply wrong here.
Haruna made a placating gesture. “It’s alright. I’m not upset at you, I promise. I’m mostly just. . . worried. Shuuko. . .” She hesitated, unsure of whether she should even ask this. “The times we’ve met during club activities, I’ve heard three sets of desires from you. Is there. . . more than one Shuuko?”
“No…?” The protector did not like lying. But sometimes, it was necessary even if she was bad at it. Even her statement sounded more like a question rather than an admission, her heart hammering in her chest as she tried to figure out what to say. Once again, Ember could have helped her out here, because she would have known precisely what to say in order to stave off suspicion, but her? She would not be able to do anything.
”Umm… I… err…” She felt herself practically shrivel up under what she imagined as scrutiny. She kept stuttering, feeling like an useless fool as she tried to find anything to latch onto in the way of an explanation.
”Maybe it’s my magic,” she managed to half-whisper after what felt like an eternity of mumbling and false starts.
“Your magic?” Haruna asked, not sounding any less concerned. “Is your magic really that harmful to you to use? Memory gaps and changes in behavior are pretty bad.”
That had to have been the wrong answer then. Sylvia could practically feel the vice closing around her. She had no idea how to respond. She would get in trouble no matter what she said.
”I… Don’t know.” The protector closed her eyes, folding in on herself as she lifted her legs and curled up into a ball. Her voice sounded hollow, almost resigned, as though she knew there was something awful coming and she could do nothing to prevent it.
“It’s going to be okay, Shuuko,” Haruna said, hoping that her repeated affirmations would eventually have an effect. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but whatever it is, I’m not planning on letting anything bad happen to you, or doing anything to you myself. Okay? Whether you’re three people in one body, your magic is messing with your memory, or you’re even possessed by a ghost or something crazy like that, I just want to help you deal with it. And this fight that you got into, if its not the same thing.” She once again had to stop herself from reaching out to give the dark girl a hug. “And if you can’t bring yourself to trust me with it, I can always go get someone else. You get along with Roche, right?”
”I don't want to get her into trouble.” Sylvia's voice choked as she felt an unpleasant throb in her chest.. ”I don't want you to get into trouble either.” Her arms squeezed tight. Haruna could see the body’s hands slowly turn white, the position looking more and more uncomfortable by the second. The protector was not even looking at her anymore, the snake of long-gone memories coiling around her, looking at her with murderous eyes.
”I’m really sorry. Please don't hurt me.” When she spoke, it almost sounded like she was repeating a script of some sorts.
“Shuuko. Listen.” Haruna spoke firmly, much louder than her previously gentle tone. “Nobody is going to hurt you. I am not letting that happen. You are not going to get in trouble for being helped, and nobody is getting in trouble for helping you.” Her voice softened again. “Please just let me do something. I know we’re not that close, but it still hurts to watch you close yourself off when you’re in such obvious pain.”
A pause followed that. Sylvia clenched her legs even tighter, thoughts clashing inside her head. The feeling in her chest grew ever greater, pressing against her meat and bones. She swore she could hear them creak, buckle under the force, because as much as she hated it, there was no escaping Them. Except…
No one was here anymore.
Sylvia took a deep breath. She shuddered with it, her face turning into a grimace in her struggle.
”Are… are you sure you won't get into trouble?” She stumbled over her words again as she forced them through clenched teeth. ”Because… if you're sure… then I really don't want to be hurt anymore.“ She sniffed. She could feel wetness trail down her cheeks as she spoke.
“Absolutely. I promise.” Haruna nodded sharply for emphasis. “You don’t need to worry about me. Especially not right now.”
Sylvia loosened up, letting the light girl see more of her face again. She looked pale, almost as a ghost. The cold surely did not help matters, but it did not feel that bad, so most of the damage had to have been done by the problem at hand.
”I think… my friends… will get angry if I don’t take the pain.” The choice of words slipped out without Sylvia really thinking about it. ”Or they might not be… friends… anymore. Umm. You… You wouldn’t like it if I hit you, right? But if I don’t get hit instead of them, then it’s like I hit them.” The protector squeezed her leg again as she looked up at Haruna, her eyes filled with the desperate glimmer of hope.
The light girl gave her a sympathetic smile. “I understand the feeling. I don’t like it when anyone gets hurt, especially if there’s something I could do about it. That’s why I work so hard at helping both the Detention Club and Hibusa as a whole; it’s hard to rest knowing that there could be someone who needs me out there and isn’t getting me. That feeling can be really overwhelming sometimes.”
Haruna paused for a moment, considering her approach. “It’s important to remember that it isn’t actually the same, though. Like. . . let me put it this way. Say that my landlady falls down the stairs while trying to carry her groceries to her apartment. I’m in school, working on a test. Whose fault is it that the landlady got hurt?” She didn’t wait long for an answer to her rhetorical question. “It wouldn’t be reasonable to say that it was my fault, even though I could have helped if I was there. Or, for a better example - is it Roche’s fault that Suki hurt me? Technically, if she’d been focused somewhere else, she could have stopped it. Is Roche a bad girl for not making Suki throw her around instead of me?” She spoke with no lingering ill will toward either party; things were resolved with Suki already, and it would be unreasonable in the extreme for her to hold the club leader responsible for the blood witch’s actions in that case.
“With the landlady, it’s nobody’s fault. Suki throwing me around is Suki’s fault. If someone hurts your friends, its that someone’s fault. Not yours. It’s okay to want to protect people, don’t get me wrong. It’s fine to be upset about them getting hurt, and it’s also fine for them to be upset about being hurt. What isn’t fine is if they’re upset at you because they got hurt. That’s not fair. And, if they won’t be your friends just because you aren’t there to get hurt for them, then they’re not really your friends at all. That’s just them using you selfishly, and manipulating your better nature for bad reasons.”
Haruna took one more breath before finishing her spiel. “If they’re used to relying on you, then it’ll be hard for them to deal with things on their own. That, too, is not your fault. It’s better for both you and them if your friends can learn to stand on their own feet.” She tilted her head a bit. “Does that make the thought easier to stomach, maybe? You aren’t actually taking something away from them for real if you won’t get hurt in their place; you’re making them into better, stronger people who don’t need someone else to be their whipping girl.”
The protector listened to Haruna with the deepest parts of her being, the words stirring up long-lost feelings. As the light girl spoke, she could probably see how Shuuko’s hands bunched up even while the tears kept falling one after another. Because if she was right, then They lied. There was no question about it, which put both of her comrades’ perspectives regarding Them into a new light. At the same time, Haruna could not be correct, for that would mean something horrible. Something the protector could not even imagine.
”But… it is my fault if they get hurt, isn’t it?” Sylvia’s voice choked as she spoke. It did not seem like the tears would stop anytime soon, for the feeling in her chest started to bloom through her whole body, planting the seeds of an awful, yet profound discovery. Or perhaps merely watering the ones which had already been planted. ”And it’s better if I’m suffering anyways. I’m not good for anything else, am I?” She spoke as though she were making a joke, except there was nothing amusing about it.
“Shuuko. . .” Haruna murmured, lost as to how to respond to the girl’s despair.
”Yeah… ummm… I’m sorry for wasting your time,” her hands dropped beside her as she lowered her legs, then she wiped her tears. ”I understand, but I don’t think it’s like that. If the landlady trips, then…” She stood up.
”It’s my fault that she fell down the stairs, because I should’ve ran and… and gotten in front of her.” A shiver ran through her as she said that, remembering what would have had happened if she had not intervened with an injury like that. Haruna had to be lying. Not maliciously. Not like Them. But a white lie to make Sylvia feel better even though she did the wrong thing.
Did she do the wrong thing?
She had no answer. There was only the mountain’s shadow, looming over her as though it were an executioner’s axe, not to mention the pressure deep inside that refused to go away.
”Am I wrong?” she asked, halting between each word as she tried to get rid of the ugly feeling. ”If I didn’t jump in front of Roche, she wouldn’t have her shoulder.” Yet that was different somehow. How?
“You are wrong. It’s not. . . you aren’t the one that attacked Roche. If she’d gotten hurt there, it would have been Pearl’s fault. Not Roche’s, and definitely not yours.” She resisted the urge to cry herself, the sympathetic feeling of Sylvia’s anguish digging at her. “You chose to protect her. That wasn’t you doing something because you would be a bad person if you didn’t. That was you choosing to be a good person by making a sacrifice for someone else’s sake. And if you tell me you didn’t choose, that you just did it without hesitating despite how much you would get hurt. . . well, I’d say that makes you an even better person, because you wouldn’t let that threat get in the way of protecting someone important to you.”
Haruna did her best to smile at Sylvia, even if it was a sad one, in the hopes that it might give the dark girl the faintest bit of positive feelings. “You aren’t worthless. There’s more to life, more to your life than pain. It’s admirable that you take on so much, but that’s because there are so many other things you could be doing, not because that’s the only thing you can do. People aren’t bad because they run away when they’re scared, or flinch away from being hurt. It’s not normal to be hurt all the time, it’s not right that someone should suffer so much.”
She took a breath. “I guess what I’m trying to say is. . . if you’re suffering on behalf of someone else, it should be your choice. Not their choice, not the way things always are, but your choice. Whoever keeps telling you you’re a bad girl, that you’re only good for getting hurt, that it’s always your fault when they get hurt, that person is the bad girl. That person is evil. Not just bad, not just mean, evil. Evil, and cruel.”
The more Haruna spoke, the more certain it became that a vast gorge separated these two. Perhaps just as massive and treacherous as the divide between the Gems and the Detention Club, it made for a sharp contrast to the mountain that loomed ahead of them. Yet another trial to face on the road towards their ambitions, for the convictions of the light girl landed on almost-deaf ears, expressed with a determined shake of Sylvia’s head. Wiping her tears one more time, the protector looked at her companion with a mote of broken gratitude in her eyes.
”Thank you for trying to cheer me up. But I know you’re lying.” Her hands reached for her own shoulders, almost as though she were bracing herself for the inevitable. ”I have to get hurt. I don’t want to, but that's impossible.” Her words rang hollow. They were a well-rehearsed script. ”If I’m not screaming, then someone else will be.” Bitterness coated her voice. She did not want it. But she saw no other way.
”I’m really sorry. I’m a worthless girl who talks about worthless things.” Sylvia let go of herself. ”Please don’t-” Please don’t what? Tell this to Ember and Hotaru? Grandmother and Grandfather were no longer around and no one even knew that Sylvia existed. Besides, it was a foolish request to begin with. Indeed, she should have never spoken of this to anyone; a thought that made her eyes drop to the floor.
Haruna’s shoulders drooped. She somehow managed to look even more exhausted, as if the tired-looking girl the club normally saw was a front to hide someone else. “Why would I lie?” she asked quietly. “What would. . . what would I gain? For trying to hurt you? I have something to gain if I do the right thing, don’t I?” She sighed, the exhalation almost sounding like a death rattle. In her heart, she felt she knew why Sylvia wouldn’t listen, but she wasn’t going to put that burden atop the already-suffering protector’s shoulders.
”Because it isn’t true.” The reply was simplicity itself, even though the protector had to force it through clenched teeth. ”I’m going to get puni- Ah. I’m sorry. I really shouldn’t talk about it.” Her voice dropped as she realised she messed up again. ”It isn’t your fault. It’s just the way things are. I’m… ah.” She caught herself this time before she blurted out anything. Her voice filled with tension and indeed, if Haruna looked up, the light girl could see that the protector became practically rigid, her body locking up as she clamped down on herself.
“I’m not a liar. Stop calling me one.” Haruna stared at the ground. “If you don’t want my help, just say so. If you want me gone, just say so.” Her shoulders managed to slump even further, before she took a deep breath and forced herself to straighten up, looking the dark girl in the eyes. “I’m reaching out my hand, Shuuko, but I can’t force you to take it. You have to want things to change.”
A war raged on behind those eyes. If the light girl looked up or perhaps extended her magical senses, she would unravel conflicting thoughts. It was as though even like this, Shuuko - or rather Sylvia - could not decide what she really wanted. One half insisted on honouring Grandfather’s and Grandmother’s wishes. The other wanted to unburden herself, to find help. Still another saw something familiar in Haruna’s posture. And in the end, Sylvia borrowed something from Ember’s book when she stepped forward.
”Are you all right? Did I hurt you?”
“I’m fine,” she said reflexively, before shaking her head. “N-no, sorry, that’s hypocritical of me.” She took a breath. “If I’m being honest. . . yes. I don’t like deceiving people, and I don’t like being accused of it. And, well, it also hurts to watch you dig yourself deeper into this pit. I don’t like it when I can’t figure out how to help people, either. It makes me feel. . . useless.” Haruna sighed, looking down again. “But you shouldn’t feel that bad. It’s kinda hard to tell when I should be more pushy and when I should give people more space, and it never really sits quite right to do the latter.” She glanced back up. “And while I’m being honest. . . from where I’m standing, Shuuko, you could use a lot of help. Everyone in the Detention Club could, that’s why I came to Hibusa. Even Rei needs more help than she accepts. But, if you really don’t want it, I’ll leave you alone. I’ll give as much or as little as you ask of me.”
A frown appeared on Sylvia’s face. Her hands went behind her back, squeezing on one another until her knuckles turned white. The war inside her waged on as she considered Haruna’s words, but as the seconds ticked by, there was only one thing she could say.
”Why? I don’t think you should help me. It’ll get you into trouble and I’ll just be a burden. Someone who won’t even say thank you.”
“I don’t help people to be thanked.” Haruna let that statement stand for a moment before continuing. “I don’t do it to get stronger, either. I help people because that’s the right thing to do.” As she considered the rest of what Shuuko had said, she laughed. “And do you seriously think getting myself into trouble will stop me? As a magical girl from the City of Light, I’m standing here in the middle of Hibusa Town, talking to a girl that tried to crush me to death a couple of weeks ago, and trying to convince her that it’s alright to accept a little help. I’m way, way past worrying about not getting in trouble.”
”But something horrible could happen to you! Hota- Ah.” She almost ended up saying something again, her every second word threatening the only thing her friends… comrades… whoever ‘They’ might hold to be sacred right now. She fumbled as the pressure inside of her grew stronger, stammering on her next words. ”I mean! I could attack you again. It… it isn’t something you… you should be doing! Don’t you know that I’m horrible?!”
She could not hold it back anymore.
”I’m a selfish dark girl who almost killed you! I’m a hungry devil who hogs all the food! I’m a horrible girl that brings misfortune! Why are you still here, why are you lying to me?!” Sylvia’s words blurred together as she unleashed her tirade. ”I hurt everyone and I’ll hurt you, make you go hungry, ruin your life, make you lose money! I’ll make you wish you never knew me!” She marched closer towards Haruna. Her eyes glowed green with magic; they had been a different colour when they first met. Her right hand raised up in the air.
The air crackled with anger and magic. They intertwined, dancing around one another like two hungry beasts ready to pounce on their prey, charging Shuuko’s palm with enough energy to fracture bones.
”So render judgement upon this desecrated priestess,” Sylvia’s cadence changed without warning, ”And be certain that whatever terror and harm she attempted to bring onto you, it is not out of malice.”
Haruna backed up a few steps, transforming just in case. A hexagonal gate opened up behind her, though she didn’t go as far as leaping through quite yet. “Shuuko,” she began, keeping her voice level even as she held a combat-ready stance. “Or Shatterscape, or whoever I’m talking to currently.” Her earlier theory was seeming more and more bulletproof. “I’m not going to beat you down, but I’m not going to let you hurt me either. I am trying to help, and regardless of what everyone in the club seems to think, I don’t make a habit of lying. I don’t care how hard it is to believe that someone would actually want to reach a hand out. Magic is a literal miracle, think about that if you have to.” Hizuki’s expression set itself in a firm scowl. “Just tell me what’s going on already! Stop calling me a liar when every other word out of your mouth is false.” She failed to keep the heat out of her voice with this last.
”Unfortunately,” a tremble entered Sylvia’s voice as she spoke, ”this humble high priestess fears that if she speaks of the omens she witnessed, then there will be no salvation, for she is the daughter of a temptress and the harbinger of misfortune. Therefore, she can not let the one who braves the trail stand in front of her, for there will be repercussions.” She repeated the same message as before, just in a different dialect. ”She is aware of this, because she knows she can not escape the pain she must endure.”
“For fuck’s sake, Shuuko, I’m not your parents or whoever else hurt you!” Hizuki shouted. “You’re not going to steal my food or take all my money or anything else you think is going to happen! You’re not any more or less a ‘harbinger of misfortune’ than me.” She planted the butt of her spear in the ground, wings flaring out with irritation. “You don’t need to spill your entire life story to me right now. Or ever, if you don’t want to.” The light girl pointed her weapon at Shatterscape, though it didn’t seem intended as a threat. “What you actually need to do is realize that the only way you’re hurting anyone is by insisting that you can’t do anything but hurt or be hurt!”
”But this high priestess…” Sylvia’s voice trailed off. Unknowingly, Hizuki echoed almost exactly what Ember kept telling her. The same thing Roche implied whenever they spoke. So what if it was true? ”Is this high priestess… Am I… allowed to avoid the pain? Is this high priestess… could I use that name without lying?” The question felt out of context, but its significance seemed clear as Sylvia looked straight into Hizuki’s eyes, her green gaze filled with expectations. ”Answer this high priestess or I- no. I shall- There shall be no threats.”
“Of course you can.” Hizuki met her eyes steadily, letting her spear drop to her side once again. “I’m sure anyone else would tell you the same thing.” She shifted her posture, extending her open hand toward Shuuko. “I know it probably doesn’t seem possible right now, but if you work with friends, you can find a way to avoid the pain for everyone. . . and those friends will be glad to know that you aren’t being hurt any more.”
”And what if this high priestess doesn’t have any friends?” A note of desperation entered into Sylvia’s voice. ”What if, like you said, if others wish this high priestess harm and so they are not her friends, or even worse.” Green eyes averted towards the ground. ”This high priestess thinks that if that is true, then they lied to her.” She could scarcely imagine it. But then why did everyone say that They were worse than liars? That Grandmother and Grandfather…
She could not finish that thought. They were the ones who raised her. She should be grateful that they even allowed her to exist at all, given what she was. And yet they could also be in the wrong if she believed what everyone else had to say about Them.
“You have Roche,” she pointed out. “She’s definitely your friend, and as far as I can tell she cares a lot about her friends.” Hizuki smiled slightly beneath her visor. “And, if you want it, you have me. Even if you can’t work things out with the other people in this situation, that’s two people you can still count on.”
”This high priestess… I… Does not know whose words to believe.” Pain welled up while she spoke, filling her voice. ”This high priestess… she… I… do you… know… why she had been expelled from her shrine?” A pause. Sylvia’s eyes closed. Hands clenched, phantom knives-for-fingers appearing in the air in the form of golden spectres. Then her eyes opened again.
”Because the gods deemed her filthy and beyond salvation. So I… this high priestess… wants to know… want to know… Can gods lie?”
She did not extend her hand. If Haruna focused on Sylvia, she could feel that the protector wanted to. But the desire, as Sylvia put it, not to be hurt again felt stronger.
Haruna took a moment to respond, mulling over who the ‘gods’ in question could be. The answer, regardless of their identity, was clear, however. “Yes,” she said, a sad note in her voice. “Unfortunately. Anyone can lie; the only difference between me lying and a god lying is the amount of power that lie has over you. I’m sorry.”
A long time ago, Ember said the same thing.
A frown rippled through Sylvia’s features, before her eyes widened. The flickers around her hand became a pair of menacing, massive gauntlets.
”I… This high priestess… Why should this high priestess believe your words over… No…” Sylvia closed her eyes, then raised her right hand to cradle her head. ”This doesn’t make any sense. Why would they lie to me?” She wobbled in place. ”They are…” Grandfather and Grandmother. They wanted the best for her. But they couldn’t give it to her because she was a filthy girl who could not do anything right. That had to be the case. If not…!
“I don’t know.” Hizuki shook her head. “People lie for a lot of reasons. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re lying. I don’t know enough about you or your past to really say why someone would have accused you of bringing misfortune, or being a glutton, or any of the other things they say about you. Maybe it was grief, or anger at someone else, maybe they thought they were doing the right thing, or maybe they were just cruel.” She took a step closer to Shuuko, her hand staying extended. “It doesn’t matter, because you don’t deserve to be called all these things.”
Sylvia shook her head, continuing to sway with the world.
”They… they couldn’t! They’d-” What, never lie? Sylvia’s jaws clacked shut before she could say it. It felt as though something got stuck in her throat and the world seemed to turn into a merry-go-round that had no regards for her dizzy spell. Her legs gave up holding onto the ground and she collapsed, her gauntlets impacting the pavement with a loud, metallic clang. It almost sounded as though it were a death knell.
Her visage certainly looked like she died. Pale, empty-eyed and staring into the infinite distance, it looked almost as though Sylvia’s soul had fled from her body. Only her faintly audible breathing served as proof to the contrary.
Hizuki gasped and rushed to her side, kneeling next to the fallen dark girl. “Wh-what happened!?” she asked aloud, as if the suddenly-unconscious Shuuko would be polite enough to wake up and answer her. She put a hand under her nose to check for breathing, and two fingers to the jugular to check for a pulse. Hizuki relaxed only slightly when neither was absent, shifting to put a hand on either of the other girl’s shoulders. “Shuuko?” She shook her gently. “Shuuko, wake up, you can’t just sleep here. . . !” Another shake, this one with a bit more force - and nothing.
“What did I do. . . ?” she lamented aloud, standing and pacing in a brief circle as she tried to figure out what to do. Had her words alone really provoked this response? “I was just trying to help.” Hizuki squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head vigorously. “N-no, I can’t stop to mope right now. Even if I made things worse, she still needs my help now.”
The light girl stooped over Shuuko again. “Sorry, I know you don’t like being touched.” She scooped her arms underneath the girl’s midsection, then lifted her with a grunt of effort; those gauntlets were about as heavy as they looked, and not for the first time, she was glad she kept up a good exercise regimen. With a shout meant more to motivate herself than anything else, she took an awkward, nearly-stumbling running start, then jumped into the air.
She traveled only a few feet before passing through a gate, resummoning her THUNDER CRACK with a groan of protesting metal. The armor was still recuperating, but she needed it right now; it would have to suffice, damage reports pouring in or not. The armor assembling around her moved Shuuko from Hizuki’s arms to a position best likened to a cockpit, a transparent dome adding itself to the structure to accommodate the unusual passenger and protect her from the wind before it carried both of them off toward Hizuki’s home.
The landing was similarly awkward, requiring Hizuki to dismiss the armor in midair and twist about to catch Shuuko before it dissipated fully. She landed on her own balcony with a painful-sounding thump, the shock reverberating through her legs. With a final burst of effort, she slid open the patio door, carried Shuuko inside, and laid her down on her own bed before releasing her transformation entirely.
Sylvia did not stir. She spent the journey in a daze, her normally vibrant green eyes staring off into the distance. Or perhaps she stared at something else: the nightmares of her past. Grandmother and Grandfather. Them. Their… lies.
Their lies!
She had lived a lie.
As Haruna lay Sylvia down on the bed, she noticed that the protector’s Emblem had manifested on her chest, roughly where her heart would be. An oval mirror assembled from four, irregular pieces shimmered there, the touch of magic clear on it. Three pieces were large and reflected a distorted world. One smaller, clear shard remained that Haruna could perhaps see herself reflected in.
A crack filled the room. A flicker of green energy ran through the body, culminating in one piece of the Emblem becoming clearer - but also fracturing into countless pieces.
“Shuuko!?” She didn’t even have time to finish backing off before whatever was going wrong with the dark girl became dramatically visible, if not any more comprehensible. “What’s happening?” she asked with no small amount of panic, leaning over her fellow club member and looking around frantically in an effort to spot something she could do to help with. . . whatever was going on. “Please, say something.”
The colour of fresh ashes joined green, paradoxically turning into gold, then red, then gold again. A flicker of light returned to Sylvia’s eyes, much like a fire trying to be reborn from its remains.
”This high priestess has always longed for the love of the gods,” spoke Sylvia, voice hollow and broken. ”But met an abomination in their stead. How is she meant to continue her life?” Her head turned towards Haruna. The eyes remained hollow. ”Please. If They lied…” She sounded like she barely clung to the sole remaining thread of her life.
“Then you’ll just have to find someone else to put your faith in,” Haruna said, trying to be firm in offering the girl a lifeline. “The gods aren’t the only place to find love. You have friends that you’re precious to, and they’ve treated you a lot better than any crusty old gods did.” The light of her own determination shone past the bags beneath Haruna’s eyes. “So just believe in them instead! I know it probably just sounds like dumb light girl garbage, but all you have to do to get past this is trust your friends. I swear on my life.”
”I don’t know if I can.” Sylvia’s tone did not change. ”I don’t know who’s lying anymore.” If Grandfather and Grandmother lied, then what did that mean? Were some of the things they said true? If everyone lied, including Them, then how did people know what was true? ”Please, don’t lie to me. Please tell me if they really lied. Please don’t lie to me.” Her voice trembled as she begged Haruna once again.
“Shuuko, as far as I can tell, you’re a caring person who does her best to help others. You do your very best not to be burdensome, and you definitely aren’t making anyone go hungry. I don’t know if they actually meant to lie, or if they really believed all the horrible things they said about you.” Haruna took a deep breath. “But if you had to ask just, yes or no, did they lie or did they not?” She paused again, not sure whether she was saving Shuuko or shattering her even further. “They lied.”
No matter how many times Sylvia asked, the response did not change. In fact, she already knew what the response would be. She still let out a broken sob as even the tiniest chance of “Them” not being what “They” really were evaporated.
Her world lurched. Vertigo claimed her. The walls closed in. Nothing but darkness existed. And yet despite that all, a hand still reached out towards Takae Shuuko Sylvia, carrying a faint glimmer of light in its palm.
”I don't know if I am.” Without warning, Sylvia sat up, moving like a puppet, or perhaps a ragdoll being yanked around by pieces of rope. ”But thank you.” The words were wrong. They were never meant to be delivered in such a tone. Haruna reacted as if they had been a light slap.
”I am all right now.” A hollow lie. She never lied like this before. ”Thank you.” Another lie. Even so, she set her feet against the floor and stood up. ”You’ve worked hard.” Maybe not a lie. It still sounded as empty as she felt.
”I will be okay. All right?” A broken smile. It suited her tone. It suited her lies.
Stepping forward, she wrapped her gauntlets around Haruna in a pitiful, barely-warm-enough semblance of an embrace and wondered… was she lying yet again?
The light girl seized the opening her clubmate had given her. Limp, hollow gesture or no, it was still powerful for the fact that Shuuko had reached out at all. She pulled the other girl into a tight hug, using some of her magic to become a more literal source of warmth. Haruna radiated a gentle heat, like the first rays of the sun peeking over the horizon.
“You'll be alright.” No chastisement, no further attempt to dig the truth out of Sylvia. Just a simple, honest reassurance for the future, covered with the thin veil of courtesy. Haruna let go after a moment, the glow of her power fading. “Just know that I'll be here if you need me.”
”I will be all right.” The very same, hollow tone. A squeeze, because that is what people did when they hugged. Especially when the other person felt warm. ”I will be all right,” she repeated, not knowing the difference between truth and falsehood.
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