Well I don't really see anything wrong with your character. I actually used it as sort of a counter model, I was going for a different kind of bounty hunter, and one with less experience.
I would suggest posting a new interest check in the general section, with all of the new info, plus both of our characters posted in it to show examples.
I also would suggest a proofread now that it's all in one form. In fact, if you'd like a set of fresh eyes you could copy/paste the whole thing with formatting(copy from the editing interface to keep format) into a google doc where I can take a crack at it, then use that version for the new interest check.
I just wanna say, I know that you're feeling a bit left out at the moment Dia, but I think it will come to be interesting in the end. Kilgaris drew a lot of attention to himself, that's why Siador has such a focus on him. He's looking for apprentices and here comes a guy with Force Potential who already has a freaking lightsaber. When Kil shows his true colors, who's Siador gonna turn to? The traitor's sister. And think about the fun characterization we can give her in this event! Resentment for the belated justification, a renewed need and opportunity to prove herself. This whole situation puts her in an even greater competition with him than she already was. It's like, advanced sibling rivalry. It's also very Star Wars and I love it.
Name: Ahjan Vayton(Uh-Jon Vay-ton, short "O" so that the names rhyme) Age: 20 Gender: Male Species: Dathomirian Zabrak
His hair is long and is usually bound up tightly behind his head.
Currently dresses in a set of simple dark gray clothes, with calf high black boots and a belt that keeps his tools and weapons. His pants and jacket fit closely, but leave him excellent flexibility. The jacket's front is asymmetrical, and fastens on the right side so that there are two layers of protective Synth fabric over the front of his torso. Both wrists have plasteel bracers, which protect from even modded blades(such as vibroblades) and also protect from blunt force trauma so he can use them to block. The left hand bracer has his comm link in it. Though the suit is made of cloth that is soft to the touch, it is actually designed with protection in mind. It's proofed against any unmodified blade, and can help to disperse weaker blaster bolts to reduce the damage they would deal to him. This protection is greater in the front where the fabric is doubled over.
Affiliation: Familial raltions to Nightsisters/Brothers The illegitimate son of a Jedi Knight. Bounty Hunter Guild
Background: Ahjan's mother was a Nightsister, but his father, against all rules and traditions, was a Jedi Knight. He was a Zabrak, who visited Dathomir when he was still a young Knight, traveling alone for a trivial mission. A young Nightsister, by the name of Vivay Vayton, was intrigued by the visitor. He had a swagger about him, and she mistook the title "Knight" to mean that he was a warrior. She courted him and, though he resisted briefly, he gave in and slept with her, producing a son, destined to be either a Nightbrother or a Jedi, Ahjan. He became neither.
The Jedi, of course, left shortly after and didn't return until he started hearing rumors of a "Jedi's child" on the planet. He feared that he would be connected to what he knew in his heart to be his son, and went to Dathomir, meaning to take the rumored child back to the temple, pretending it to simply be a Force Sensitive whose parents gave it to training. This is one of Ahjan's first memories, a Jedi Knight entering his home and demanding that he leave with him. Vivay, of course, had other ideas. She saw through the Jedi's intentions. He didn't want his son to follow in his footsteps, he only wanted to hide his transgression. She told the Knight that she refused to be his dirty little secret, and spat in his face. The Knight maintained his composure, but his anger seethed below. He asked one more time before pushing Vivay aside and turning to take Ahjan by the arm. His cries attracted neighbors, who came to confront the Jedi. He knew he could not fight them, and left peacefully to retain some dignity. The Nightsisters knew that they weren't safe from this Knight. To them, the Zabrak Nightbrothers were servants, and lived to protect the Sisters. They decreed that in the course of this protection, Ahjan had to disappear. They sold him to a bounty hunter who recognized their innate talents as a warrior tribe, and saw the opportunity to take on an excellent pupil.
This bounty hunter trained Ahjan, and brought him into the Guild.
Equipment: A collapsible Force Pike(500c) Two sets Servo Cuffs(200c) Synth Textile based light armor(700c) Wrist Link(50c) Blaster Pistol, BlasTech DL-22(500c)
Abilities: Listed in order of strength and skill: Melee: His strongest skill. Ahjan's body is well trained. Any man can win a fight with lethal force, but Ahjan can subdue and detain just as easily as kill; with or without a weapon. Acrobatics: Though not weak by any means, he is primarily built for maneuverability. It can come in handy when he's ganged up on, as he can jump clear over most people's heads. Stealth: Ahjan is a fan of taking a mark without them ever knowing they had been hunted. He doesn't always succeed completely, but the closer you get before they know you're after them the more the fight is in your favor.
Credits: 50, -2000 from a loan he owes the Guild.
Lemme know if you have any objections, oh mighty GM. Also, please tell me if you spot any weird typos. Like words that are cut in half or random letters where they don't belong. My hands keep touching the stupid touch pad on my laptop as I type and it clicks over the text, moving where I'm typing. I don't always fix all of the typos that this creates.
By the by, I like the idea of not only starting with a 2000c allowance, but actually owing it back. As I keep saying, I like things that make credits meaningful.
She wiped her mouth as she slipped the ceramic flask back into a pocket of her loose fitting robe. "You think I have a talent. A dangerous one. This is a joke? Who did you speak to?"
Lots to read there. Starships should be real expensive, I'm trying to remember the price quote Han gave Luke in the beginning of ANH, and Luke said that they could almost buy a ship for that amount. I think it was 20,000, if anyone knows exactly and wants to chime in. So ships should start at about 25K, and move up from there as they get better.
I'm thinking blaster pistols run like 200, blaster rifles 500. And I think that gives us a good base to start putting prices at.
"Mmmmm... Mothberry Grove," Jalika itnoned quietly. Her eyes left the man for now, and continued her task. She was picking the empty husks of spidermoth cocoons from the wildly overgrown berry trees. When she looked back up to see the man's perplexed expression, she expounded, in her accustomed halting slur, "Not a Nomad. Now I'm Jalika of the Mothberry Grove. What does the Lotus want with me?" She continued picking. Every once in a while, she would take a sip from a bottle, facing away from the man, but still very calculatedly within his view.
RPM
Fading Memory
Iracebeth
Not a Sayan
Neziul
Fetzen
Xaltwind
Veilsight