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STATUS: "Soon you will have forgotten all things. And soon all things will have forgotten you." 7 yrs ago
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- Old Guild Username: Kho
- Joined: 12 yrs ago
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"Soon you will have forgotten all things. And soon all things will have forgotten you."
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Most Recent Posts
What year was the Ingrian League founded?
I've put up Mardithia on the Wiki and will be adding to it over time.
Of course I'm interested ;)
That's fine, everything seems to be going well. Characters finally meeting each other and interesting things beginning to happen.
Tell me when the IntChk comes up.
I literally just came back Monday night, so I've had no time to work on my NS online, but I was writing down ideas in my notebook over the week, so it should just be a matter of getting stuff on the computer and expanding a bit. Should hopefully be finished with it today as I'm dedicating today today (or at least until 3 pm) to this.
Things seem to be going well here, I've read some of the new posts and have the last two left. I'll read them today and will see if I'm needed IC-wise. Click This is now officially the Co-GM. Thanks for keeping this going everyone.
Jangel13 said
okay, I got your message and I understand. with the next few posts ill make sure to work on it as best I can. I didn't mean I would attack her I mean that since she was patrolling Tortuga she would try to stop me or something was all that I meant
It's all good ;D as long as you understand what you have to work on and I can see you trying, you're fine. Nothing better than learning how to have even more fun :P
Anyway, as I said earlier, I won't be here this week so I won't be able to give you feedback on what you do post, but when I come back I will be sure to, so impress me ;)
Have fun everyone, and if new people show interest, tell them to PM me their CS's and I'll look over them when I return.
Hasta la vista!
@Jangel Now, I want you to take this in a positive way, part of RPing is improving your writing and being able to understand where your weaknesses lie and working on them. If we look at the Khookie factors, your weaknesses are currently Spelling and Grammar, Writing Quality, Story Line Advancement and Character Development (you're quite good for Independence.)
Let's go through your posts so far.
Jangel's First Post
"I smiled seeing branzillo finally leaving, he was nosier than a damn dog." - Firstly, you spelled Braziliano wrong. Secondly, first letters of names must ALWAYS be capitalised. I believe when you say nosier, you mean noisier. They are completely different words and you should double check your posts to make sure you haven't put one word in place of another as 'nosier' makes very little sense in the context of Braziliano's tavern scene.
" I ordered some more rum for my men celebrating getting a new ship today, although I made sure we had enough money to actually buy the ship." - It's all good saying you bought more rum for your men, but try going into some more detail. Have your character call out to the barmaid for more drink, have her bring it over, describe the scene, tell us what happens to the rum you ordered - you don't mention it arriving at any point. How have you made sure you have enough money? How much money do you have? Where did all this money come from? Your character doesn't have an infinite supply of money, and certainly not enough to buy a brig at this stage, even if he sells the sloop.
"I held my bottle of rum drinking it happily, I did hear about that change of power with port royal." - What bottle of rum is this? Did you not finish the one you were drinking from before ordering more? Or is this a new bottle which just arrived? How did you hear about the change of power at Port Royal? From who? When? What are your thoughts on it? Also, 'Port Royal' is a name, thus the first letters should be capitalised. So 'port royal' is incorrect.
"im also getting the sense that even though me and my men loved this place we couldn't stay here long we would need to leave eventually before all hell broke loose here." - You always start a new sentence with a capital letter, and you ALWAYS capitalise the personal pronoun 'I'. You have to remember that 'I'm' is a shortened version of 'I am' and therefore you MUST but an apostrophe between the 'I' and the 'm'. This 'im' is not a word in the English language. Why are you getting the sense that you can't stay in Tortuga long? Explain more of your character's reasoning. Saying 'me and my men' is also incorrect, it should be 'my men and I'. You cannot switch from the present tense 'I'm also getting the sense that...' at the beginning of your sentence to the past tense 'my men loved this place...' it just doesn't work like that. How do you know all hell is going to break loose in Tortuga? It seems like a very strange statement considering all the imperial powers are occupied fighting each other. Why does your character think this? Give his reasoning.
"once I finished my bottle of rum I ordered another to go "lets get our new ship lads!" I called out and they cheered happily. we all got up me and my 50 men left the tavern at once." - Again, always start a new sentence with a capital letter. Again, give more description about getting a new bottle, or did a new one just fly into your hand when you ordered it? Description, description, description. It might be a good idea to start a new line for your speech, or at least put a comma between 'go' and '"lets..."
'Let's' is a contraction of 'let us' while 'lets' means 'allows'. Thus when your character says 'lets get our new ship..." it makes no sense. What you're trying to say is "Let us get our new ship..." which is shortened to "Let's get our new ship..." and NOT to "Lets..."
Again, you end the sentence at 'happily' but then the word right after the full stop doesn't start with a capital letter. The word 'we' should be 'We'. Now I don't know how big this tavern is, and I don't know how big the door of this tavern is, but 50 men fitting into this tavern at the same time is very difficult to imagine, and them walking out of the tavern 'at once' is literally impossible. What's more, buying rum for all these men, then buying even more, must cost an absolute fortune. How rich is your character? Where is all this money coming from? How do you have enough left over to buy a brig?
"I still remember being raised my one of the great pirates, I knew I had to become a legend to see him again and show him that his time wasn't wasted. we left the tavern and walked down the street to see the loveliness of debauchery everywhere." - We all make mistakes and typos, so the 'my' instead of 'by' is acceptable because I know for certain that it could be nothing more than a typo (or at least I hope it's a typo...)
You should expand more on your character's reasons for wanting to become a great pirate, why can you only see him again when you become 'a legend'? What does 'a legend' in pirate terms even mean? You end your sentence at 'wasted' and guess what you do next. Or what you don;t do next. No, guess. Yes, you DON'T start the sentence with a capital letter. I quite like the image of debauchery being lovely, but what exactly does it mean? Are people rutting in the street? Are there a group of gangsters doing lines with dollar notes? What exactly is this loveliness your character and his men are seeing?
"I walked over to the harbor master and I paid a good price for our new brig and I ordered my men to start setting everything up and move all our supplies" - So you got from the tavern to the harbor. Other than the loveliness of debauchery down the street, I don't know how you got there. From your description am drawn to believe that there is a tavern, and outside it there is a street full of debauchery, and if you walk down this street you will meet the harbormaster. Description is of the essence. Now, you walk up to him and, without a single word, you pay him money, and he somehow knows that this money is for the Brig. You haven't specified the price of the Brig or where this huge stack of money you paid him with was all along, shouldn't you at least have haggled a bit? Have you seen this Brig before? Or did you just buy the first ship you saw when you walked down to the harbormaster. It makes very little sense. And of course, always end your post with some kind of punctuation mark, a full stop would be enough in this example.
Jangel's Second Post
"I watched as my men loaded up all the powder and resources they had on them and put them on the brig as he watched his skull flag waving in the air above the brig feeling proud to have a ship like this." - where is this powder and resources coming from? What kind of 'resources' are these? Were these resources on them in tavern and when they walked down the street? At the moment am just imagining your crew emptying their pockets which are somehow full of powder and 'resources'. This gets a bit confusing now, you either go from first person to third person narrative, or there is an unidentified someone else who appears to be looking a the flag of the ship with pride.
"once I signed all the papers saying I gave up my ship to the harbormaster and that I was taking this ship as my flagship I made sure to keep track of my extra money just in case as I told the men that we would set sail for greater plunder as the men cheered and started to get the ship ready to leave port as I went over to my captains cabin and set everything up the way I like it as we got ready to sail from Tortuga." - Wow. That is one long sentence. Try breaking it up, it's way too long. I repeat, a new sentence always starts with a capital letter, so 'once' should be 'Once'. What papers are these? Is this exchange a legal one? In Tortuga? If you've paid so much for this new Brig, why are you giving up your Sloop for free? Couldn't you have made money out of selling, rather than giving up, the Sloop? What extra money is this you're keeping track of? How much of it is there? Where is it all stored? The rest of the sentence makes very little sense. I'm assuming you give some sort of speech about all the plunder you're going to get, the men get very happy, and then you return to your cabin. You really could have written that more clearly. And finally, what is this setting up 'everything they way I like it'? It says very little to the reader, you need to explain.
And there you have it. These are the problems with your posts. And one last thing, even if you did somehow leave Tortuga and meet Commander Hampshire, why in the world would you attack her? Your crew, as far as I am aware, is made of 50 men, while her's is easily four times that, not mention she is commanding a 32 gun Frigate whose crew are more disciplined, according to Governor D'Oyley, than those of Admiral William Penn (who captured Jamaica.) The only outcome of an encounter with the Frigate would be capture and imprisonment, if your ship isn't sunk that is.
Let's go through your posts so far.
Jangel's First Post
Jangel13 said
I smiled seeing branzillo finally leaving, he was nosier then a damn dog. I ordered some more rum for my men celebrating getting a new ship today, although I made sure we had enough money to actually buy the ship. I held my bottle of rum drinking it happily, I did hear about that change of power with port royal. im also getting the sense that even though me and my men loved this place we couldn't stay here long we would need to leave eventually before all hell broke loose here. once I finished my bottle of rum I ordered another to go "lets get our new ship lads!" I called out and they cheered happily. we all got up me and my 50 men left the tavern at once. I still remember being raised my one of the great pirates, I knew I had to become a legend to see him again and show him that his time wasn't wasted. we left the tavern and walked down the street to see the loveliness of debauchery everywhere. I walked over to the harbor master and I paid a good price for our new brig and I ordered my men to start setting everything up and move all our supplies
"I smiled seeing branzillo finally leaving, he was nosier than a damn dog." - Firstly, you spelled Braziliano wrong. Secondly, first letters of names must ALWAYS be capitalised. I believe when you say nosier, you mean noisier. They are completely different words and you should double check your posts to make sure you haven't put one word in place of another as 'nosier' makes very little sense in the context of Braziliano's tavern scene.
" I ordered some more rum for my men celebrating getting a new ship today, although I made sure we had enough money to actually buy the ship." - It's all good saying you bought more rum for your men, but try going into some more detail. Have your character call out to the barmaid for more drink, have her bring it over, describe the scene, tell us what happens to the rum you ordered - you don't mention it arriving at any point. How have you made sure you have enough money? How much money do you have? Where did all this money come from? Your character doesn't have an infinite supply of money, and certainly not enough to buy a brig at this stage, even if he sells the sloop.
"I held my bottle of rum drinking it happily, I did hear about that change of power with port royal." - What bottle of rum is this? Did you not finish the one you were drinking from before ordering more? Or is this a new bottle which just arrived? How did you hear about the change of power at Port Royal? From who? When? What are your thoughts on it? Also, 'Port Royal' is a name, thus the first letters should be capitalised. So 'port royal' is incorrect.
"im also getting the sense that even though me and my men loved this place we couldn't stay here long we would need to leave eventually before all hell broke loose here." - You always start a new sentence with a capital letter, and you ALWAYS capitalise the personal pronoun 'I'. You have to remember that 'I'm' is a shortened version of 'I am' and therefore you MUST but an apostrophe between the 'I' and the 'm'. This 'im' is not a word in the English language. Why are you getting the sense that you can't stay in Tortuga long? Explain more of your character's reasoning. Saying 'me and my men' is also incorrect, it should be 'my men and I'. You cannot switch from the present tense 'I'm also getting the sense that...' at the beginning of your sentence to the past tense 'my men loved this place...' it just doesn't work like that. How do you know all hell is going to break loose in Tortuga? It seems like a very strange statement considering all the imperial powers are occupied fighting each other. Why does your character think this? Give his reasoning.
"once I finished my bottle of rum I ordered another to go "lets get our new ship lads!" I called out and they cheered happily. we all got up me and my 50 men left the tavern at once." - Again, always start a new sentence with a capital letter. Again, give more description about getting a new bottle, or did a new one just fly into your hand when you ordered it? Description, description, description. It might be a good idea to start a new line for your speech, or at least put a comma between 'go' and '"lets..."
'Let's' is a contraction of 'let us' while 'lets' means 'allows'. Thus when your character says 'lets get our new ship..." it makes no sense. What you're trying to say is "Let us get our new ship..." which is shortened to "Let's get our new ship..." and NOT to "Lets..."
Again, you end the sentence at 'happily' but then the word right after the full stop doesn't start with a capital letter. The word 'we' should be 'We'. Now I don't know how big this tavern is, and I don't know how big the door of this tavern is, but 50 men fitting into this tavern at the same time is very difficult to imagine, and them walking out of the tavern 'at once' is literally impossible. What's more, buying rum for all these men, then buying even more, must cost an absolute fortune. How rich is your character? Where is all this money coming from? How do you have enough left over to buy a brig?
"I still remember being raised my one of the great pirates, I knew I had to become a legend to see him again and show him that his time wasn't wasted. we left the tavern and walked down the street to see the loveliness of debauchery everywhere." - We all make mistakes and typos, so the 'my' instead of 'by' is acceptable because I know for certain that it could be nothing more than a typo (or at least I hope it's a typo...)
You should expand more on your character's reasons for wanting to become a great pirate, why can you only see him again when you become 'a legend'? What does 'a legend' in pirate terms even mean? You end your sentence at 'wasted' and guess what you do next. Or what you don;t do next. No, guess. Yes, you DON'T start the sentence with a capital letter. I quite like the image of debauchery being lovely, but what exactly does it mean? Are people rutting in the street? Are there a group of gangsters doing lines with dollar notes? What exactly is this loveliness your character and his men are seeing?
"I walked over to the harbor master and I paid a good price for our new brig and I ordered my men to start setting everything up and move all our supplies" - So you got from the tavern to the harbor. Other than the loveliness of debauchery down the street, I don't know how you got there. From your description am drawn to believe that there is a tavern, and outside it there is a street full of debauchery, and if you walk down this street you will meet the harbormaster. Description is of the essence. Now, you walk up to him and, without a single word, you pay him money, and he somehow knows that this money is for the Brig. You haven't specified the price of the Brig or where this huge stack of money you paid him with was all along, shouldn't you at least have haggled a bit? Have you seen this Brig before? Or did you just buy the first ship you saw when you walked down to the harbormaster. It makes very little sense. And of course, always end your post with some kind of punctuation mark, a full stop would be enough in this example.
Jangel's Second Post
Jangel13 said
I watched as my men loaded up all the powder and resources they had on them and put them on the brig as he watched his skull flag waving in the air above the brig feeling proud to have a ship like this. once I signed all the papers saying I gave up my ship to the harbormaster and that I was taking this ship as my flagship I made sure to keep track of my extra money just in case as I told the men that we would set sail for greater plunder as the men cheered and started to get the ship ready to leave port as I went over to my captains cabin and set everything up the way I like it as we got ready to sail from Tortuga.
"I watched as my men loaded up all the powder and resources they had on them and put them on the brig as he watched his skull flag waving in the air above the brig feeling proud to have a ship like this." - where is this powder and resources coming from? What kind of 'resources' are these? Were these resources on them in tavern and when they walked down the street? At the moment am just imagining your crew emptying their pockets which are somehow full of powder and 'resources'. This gets a bit confusing now, you either go from first person to third person narrative, or there is an unidentified someone else who appears to be looking a the flag of the ship with pride.
"once I signed all the papers saying I gave up my ship to the harbormaster and that I was taking this ship as my flagship I made sure to keep track of my extra money just in case as I told the men that we would set sail for greater plunder as the men cheered and started to get the ship ready to leave port as I went over to my captains cabin and set everything up the way I like it as we got ready to sail from Tortuga." - Wow. That is one long sentence. Try breaking it up, it's way too long. I repeat, a new sentence always starts with a capital letter, so 'once' should be 'Once'. What papers are these? Is this exchange a legal one? In Tortuga? If you've paid so much for this new Brig, why are you giving up your Sloop for free? Couldn't you have made money out of selling, rather than giving up, the Sloop? What extra money is this you're keeping track of? How much of it is there? Where is it all stored? The rest of the sentence makes very little sense. I'm assuming you give some sort of speech about all the plunder you're going to get, the men get very happy, and then you return to your cabin. You really could have written that more clearly. And finally, what is this setting up 'everything they way I like it'? It says very little to the reader, you need to explain.
And there you have it. These are the problems with your posts. And one last thing, even if you did somehow leave Tortuga and meet Commander Hampshire, why in the world would you attack her? Your crew, as far as I am aware, is made of 50 men, while her's is easily four times that, not mention she is commanding a 32 gun Frigate whose crew are more disciplined, according to Governor D'Oyley, than those of Admiral William Penn (who captured Jamaica.) The only outcome of an encounter with the Frigate would be capture and imprisonment, if your ship isn't sunk that is.
Tatsua Aiisen said
I mean literally no comments.
To be honest there is nothing to comment on so far. The NS's are still WIPs and will probably be fleshed out (to include military, culture etc) so any comments at the moment are a waste of time.
Also, I know you don't I. Or at least I have a feeling I might :/
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