It's also for a good way for someone to turn over a new leaf in here, if they haven't broken the rules but do have baggage for one reason or another (such as a reputation in off-topic that gets people feeling suspicious about their RP motivations -- @mdk mentioned this once.)
Not that I've done it, but yeah, I know firsthand that off-topic antics can generate a certain amount of attitude that simply doesn't need to be carried into RP. But not just off-topic -- let's say you're in an RP with like eight other people and something comes up that you kind of wanna talk about in RP Discussion -- you can't do it without pissing off everyone in your thread. Now if you were able to make an alt who was also talking about a general issue that just so happened to apply to your RP friends, well, nobody's pointing fingers and everyone's better off for it.
Or maybe everyone points fingers at everyone. *shrug* But yeah, I support alts.
"In the Name of the King." I've never laughed harder in my life -- I snarked loudly for the duration of the movie, and I kid you not, when it was finished several people in the theater cheered for me and my friends and thanked us for saving their evening.
psst we're supposed to pay lip-service to anonymity, lol. Well this one was no secret, based on the other thread, so no big deal at all in your case. If anyone else is holding off on commenting because they don't wanna give their story away -- really, it's okay, it's not a huge deal to me or anybody else on the staff, we just don't want the popular vote to turn into a popularity contest. I'd much rather have your reviews, and if that means giving yourself up then so be it, it's really okay.
Alright, so I’m starting my reviews from the end and working backwards – other staffers are working on the rest just to make sure we collectively get to everyone (though I’m hoping to get everyone myself as well). My first review is Never Forget, and it’s crazy long – now look, people, do yourself a favor. If you can’t find time to write a full review for ‘Never Forget,’ find time to read it. For reals man. Don’t miss this. I was gonna wait until I had more reviews done and post several at once, but this ballooned and honestly I’m like…. Emotionally compromised after finishing this story, and I need a clean slate before I keep going. So here’s Never Forget in silly MDK review mode. I repeat – READ THIS STORY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Read all the entries, but I know, this one is super long and you’re busy. READ IT. For real.
Since you went all-out, I wanted to make sure you got my best effort, and I hit yours first. I’m gonna leave thoughts on each section as I read through carefully for first-impression, on-the-go type commentary (which is different), and then do like a more formal wrap-up. I expect that whatever I’m thinking at the beginning will probably change as I go, so that’s why it may look a bit flighty – take it for what it’s worth (some idiot on the web trying to be helpful, nothing more)
Heckuva start. I’m not crazy about the first paragraph – leaving the battle to the last line doesn’t *quite* work for me. I’d start with some battle chaos and then notice the stars, – but it’s just style really. Setting the peaceful scene and then shattering it is fine; I’d be going for pure reader shock value right off the opening sentence. But if this starts a little slow, it doesn’t stay slow for long; fantastic characterization in a tough setting for that kind of thing. I might even bring Rudolph into it earlier (maybe he’s the one looking up at the stars? Dunno), just to drive that home a little harder. It’s great stuff, roll with it, right? Anyway I wasn’t 100% hooked until about three sentences into your novella, criminal right? This is great. Solid action, solid conflict, solid characters, well written…. What’s there to say?
Stupid picky detail – “shipped off in ships” is a rare miss here. Maybe “packed off” or “carried off” or something. Same thing with Lev Haskel’s sister Sarah Haskel – just Sarah would be fine. Little run-on at “Lev was surprised at the Terran,” make it a period and you’re set – maybe again in the same paragraph a bit later, I’ll shut up, just watch for those. Last nitpick, “Wasn’t either” could probably be “was neither,” up to you. Okay, enough of that. Again, great character growth and conflict (maybe show a little more reaction to the Haskels splitting up?). Besides the just-a-bit-little-sloppy syntax this is basically pro.
There’s a little bit more run-on here, so instead of highlighting each one I’ll simply say look for commas that could be periods and make them periods. About halfway through when Admiral Norbert reports “They have surrendered,” it reads like his own fleets have surrendered (which is okay for him to be unclear, but that should spark a reaction). Last style point, if Kevra’s closing is meant to be snappy (I think it is, it totally works that way), you could do without “Said Kevra.” Just ‘Dismissed. She turned the lights on with a snap,’ or something like that. And we could *possibly* do without the Navy at this moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to come up later, so I could be wrong there. Again – I’m starting to feel like a broken record, but you have *SERIOUSLY* got characterization down to a science. I’m in these people’s heads. Great scene.
I think you could clean up the first paragraph a bit, because some of it sorta repeats a little, but no big deal. There’s some social commentary in the middle while Rudolf is talking – it’s obviously spot-on and worth saying, but it just feels a little out-of-place in an otherwise POV context. Trying to work it in consistently with a proto-german soldier’s perspective is going to be a real challenge – I hate to say ‘cut it out,’ but maybe find a way to just imply the irony? If we all know the historical context, then simply letting Rudolph fervently believe all this bullcrap and fully buy-in to the propaganda might be enough to get the point across. Moving on…. You handled General Wini’s age and introduction very nicely. More great development across the board throughout. I’m loving this. But periods, man, use more periods!
The introduction is again a little messy, but it gets the job done. Screw Terrans. Lev comes into it a little awkwardly, which is cool, but I think I’d use his perspective right from the start. I care less about how Murtadans in general are feeling about Auschwitz – I care a lot, lot more how Lev is feeling. That’s the human story, and so far you’ve been fantastic on the human elements, so stick with more of that. A bit later, “Just an IT guy at a small little company” feels like madly out of place in this setting – programmer, cybersecurity, something specialized and less…. Idunno, it’s almost anachronistic. Like he’s a space cobbler. Ugh, sidetracked by details again, okay…… “walking into literal hell” is kinda clunky but it does get the point across pretty well. This place is *brutal* and you’re doing it justice. The pacing, the dialogue, the deMurtadanization of it all….. if the reader isn’t feeling it right now there’s something wrong with the reader.
See THIS is how I wanted the first scene to start! Awesome. The standoff between Rudolph and the Zarminian assailant drags just a bit, but otherwise the pacing is great. Down a few lines, Rudolph is running past “rare” windows – which is a little ambiguous, like maybe the windows are expensive, or are there not a lot of windows? Later on as he’s getting in touch with the evac fleet, there’s some passive-voice action mixed in (like for example, “there was banging on the doors with one of them lighting up…” We want PUNCHY! We want sparks and fire and shit to HAPPEN, not to ‘be happening.’ The pacing of this whole scene is absolutely perfect right up until the five-hour wait – that’s written as a super harrowing experience, but we’re only looking at it for like a second before it’s over. Pretty much from ’12 Terran Army out!’ to the end of the scene just feels rushed (which is understandable, considering the length and the deadline, but there’s time now -- maybe give it another rewrite before you file it away). If I’m complaining a lot, don’t let that detract from how thrilling this whole episode was. Lots happening for Rudolph, too, which you know I love.
Fantastic all around, no complaints at all. OH! Wait, I got one. I’m not usually a thesaurus guy, but when I’m desperate for faults…. “the others backed away in fear” could maybe be “RECOILED in fear” or something like that – backed away is sorta tame.
Okay, so see how this one starts out with a dude shouting at Lev? That’s perfect. That’s pretty much what I want in all the other sections where I whined about not associating the POV character faster. Do it like that and you’re set. Flawless scene (couple more period-commas, but I’ve harped enough). This is awesome.
Another perfect scene, but I’ve got one question. Alexander ‘returns to the action’ at the end – is he fighting for the terrans, or for the liberating Perseans? I’m totally clear on where he stands about the genocide(s), but I’m a little foggy on what his actual physical role is in the story, other than a rare sane friend wearing the wrong shirt.
This is General Wini, right? I’d drop his name either way. And then I was gonna talk about other stuff that you were writing but damn it I couldn’t pull my attention away from the story, so it must have been pretty goddamn good! WHY RUDOLF?! WHY COULDN’T YOU LET ME KEEP RUDOLPH?!?
tears
That does clear up a bit on Alexander – I’m with you, I wanted to see more of him. But you might need to add a whole extra Murtadan perspective to the entire story to really get a chance to see him more than twice, and that’s certainly not realistic for the constraints you had. But hey – if you do more with this (I think you should), maybe explore him some more. He’s a fascinating character with too little to do in the script.
OVERALL
Dude….. okay, granted, this is the first piece I’m formally critique-reading in the contest. Granted, there is a metric assload of really, actually excellent work in this contest (and even some that I had to pull down so the author could pursue actual writing career growth opportunities). Granted, there have been scores of contests and hundreds of entries written over RPG’s long history of writing. Granted, I read stuff on other sites that’s cool and thought-provoking and massively popular (and written by people just like RPG). This is the best amateur fiction I have ever read, and I’ll just roll my own stories in there for the hell of it (even though that hurts me a little inside). I don’t want to oversell you here, but then, I’m not sure that I could. This is me speechless (it counts, typing isn’t speaking). I did what I could for (checks) four pages in Word to try and help, but uh….. dude. DUUUUUUUUUUUDE. You’ve got it. Whatever it is, you’ve got it. For the love of god, please write more. I don’t know what else to say. Enough mdk chatter. This is special and I hope you feel incredible about it.
Eek. What have I gotten myself into, trying to review all of these?!
YOU'RE DOING GOD'S WORK SON!
As many as you can. Don't burn yourself out on these things -- there's many more contests to come. But of course the contests are at their best when everyone's pitching in on the reviews.
All I can say for sure about the end of the voting period is, it's gonna be pushed back later than we initially planned. Because I mean that is a lot of quality work right there, and there's no way I'm short-changing it by quick deadlines. Still -- people should start reading ASAP, because the sooner we do all this justice, the sooner we can fire up RPGC #2.
I'm pretty stunned. I mean I don't know what my expectations were exactly, but you guys seriously blew them away. And as a bonus I have a playlist for my next several days of RPG all lined up.
Contestants (for lack of a better term) are allowed to review each other's works, are they not?
absolutely positively 100% definitely affirmatively conclusively yes. PLEEEEEEEEAAAAASE help your fellow authors if you can, we all want thoughts on our work.
Half Pint
TokyoPewPew
Maksart