rush99999
cosmiccowgirl
Dion
Evil Ghost Note
Antlers
Tyler Night
sexgottvonpulp
Dark Cloud
KittyMaxxie
Ohm“Oh, I – “ Jane, startled, whipped around, beaming at the voice she heard. But as quick as her excitement came, it was just her again.
What if she just went to his room now?
“No,” she said aloud to her own thoughts.
If Jane had a shot at proving to Rob that she changed for the better, trying to seduce him was probably not the best move. Especially on the first night.
She sighed in frustration and opened the tub of ice cream instead, deciding to escape her thoughts with some reality show on Netflix.
“I still can’t get over it,” Jane whispered, her nimble fingers rubbing the top of Austin’s head. “And this beard.” She had moved down the poof of hair and ran her fingers through it with a childlike curiosity.
“Will you braid it while we’re here?” Austin asked sincerely, causing her to chuckle.
“If that’s the look you’re going for, then sure, old friend.”
They had been the first awake – around 5:30 am – and after a joint in the backyard, they were preparing for livestream for Jane’s anonymous IG account. “You brought your disguise?”
“The sunglasses and hat? Yeah, I got it.” Austin chuckled at Jane’s seriousness. “No one’s figured this out yet?”
“There’ve been guesses, but none are close,” she responded as she tucked her hair into a cap and pulled the hood of her sweater on top. Next, a black pair of oversized round glasses that hid close to half her face. “It’s the only outlet I’ve had to create music without the…the –“
“The attention?”
“Yeah. Something like that,” Jane mumbled, grabbing her acoustic guitar case and handing it to Austin. “You sure you got the songs down fine?”
“Look at J, worried about my guitar playing. I know you got pretty good on that mountain of yours, but your still no Austin.”
Jane smiled, “you’re right.”
While Jane liked the anonymity of the account she created, it wasn’t because of lack of need for attention. Especially during the rough years, all she craved was attention, but it never quite filled the void she had.
The club reeked of cigar and cigarette smoke, hazy too, and Jane stumbled out from the locker room out onto the floor. She’d gotten too fucked up before work, but if she could just avoid –
Suddenly, Jane was falling to the floor, only to be picked up by her boss and Heart’s owner, Derik. “I told you, Pennie, the next time you can’t finish a shift because you’re nodding out, I’m kicking your ass out of here for good.”
“Let me jussst get a vodka red bull and I’ll wake right up!” Jane slurred, winking at her boss and brushing past him to the bar. “The usual,” she groaned to the bartender as she pulled the black fishnet sleeves up to cover the track marks that now inhabited both crooks of her elbows. The rest of her outfit consisted of a black bra, a black thong that peaked out over tiny black denim “shorts” and black fishnet stockings. While Jane never had what was considered a stripper’s body, between the implants and the crowd of old bikers, she developed a group of men who would come back just to see her.
Heroin, most of all, made it all bearable. It numbed Jane enough to ignore the faces and the harshness of the men she served, and instead, let her soak up the attention she craved. The feeling of hands on her. Of being wanted, and her just giving into it.
Heart’s was safe. The connections didn’t extend past the parking lot. These men went home to their wives, Jane went home to her trashed 20th floor apartment in Long Beach. There were no feelings involved, at least on Jane’s end, which kept her from getting her heart broken. Well, from getting her heart broken further.
“Up next, Pennie!” the DJ announced from his booth, causing a group of men up front to applaud.
Jane choked down the rest of her drink and stomping towards the stage, giving Mark the DJ a wink as a cue to start the song as she settled side stage in the dark.
“You’re fine, you’re fine, you’re not even that fucked up,” Jane mumbled to herself, smacking her face to wake herself up.
Deep Set filled the room at a roaring volume, the bass and drums of the song rumbling the wooden floor of the establishment. Jane’s black, platform boots ascended the stairs and the spotlight followed her to center stage. The usual crowd all called to Pennie, and that was all Jane needed to start, slowly grinding her hips as the denim shorts reached her heel, with precision, kicked them off to the sides stage, causing another cheer.
As Jane continued her normal routine, she noticed a man sitting in the back, and she paused completely for a split second to focus her eyes beyond the harsh stage lights. She’d have no luck until she was nearing the end of her song, much closer to the edge of stage where men were stuffing singles into what was left on her body. Definitely not Rob, but boy, did it look like him. To be fair, he could be any brunette man in his late twenties. It was enough.
But he wasn’t looking at her. At all. The patron, engrossed in his phone, sat their sipping his drink as Jane performed the end of the routine. The applause at the end didn’t evoke even one glance up.
After her song ended, Jane stormed off the stage, took a quick detour to the bar, then headed to the locker room for her next outfit. This one was red, lace, and head to toe, cut out to show “the goods.” Jane fixed this with a metallic red bikini underneath with a matching pair of horns attached to a headband. The tail attached to the thong of her bathing suit.
Checking herself in the mirror, a younger self flashed in her mind, and her boot kicked the wall of the bathroom.
”FUCK.”
Then - after another trip to the bar - she approached the lookalike as she finished her drink. The man put down his phone and looked up to her, evaluating her in a flash from head to toe as men usually do, and leaned back in his chair confidently.
“Would you like a dance?” Jane offered, focusing on not slurring the words.
The patron smiled but shook his head. “No, thank you.” He waited a few seconds, then picked his phone back up as he took a sip.
Jane blinked in confusion as his rejection but returned to seduction mode like a switch. “Firsssst, you don’t watch my dance…” Her legs, extended by her boots, stepped closer, and let a hand graze his shoulder. “There’sss the VIP room back…there,” her legs wobbled “and I’d like to - “
“Really,” the man spoke, this time more firmly. “No thank you.”
“Why come to the club then, huh? For the drinks?”
He scoffed and straightened up, seemingly enjoying the confrontation. “You’re not my type, sweetie.”
Jane raised an eyebrow, now much too invested to break away from the conversation. If her pseudo-Rob didn’t want her, she desperately wanted to hear why. What wasn’t enough for him? “Yeah? What’s your type then?”
“You know,” he started, “classier.”
“You know where you are, right?”
“Well, Pennie, the… the skinny, heroin chic thing isn’t for me. I know you must clean up nice around here. The bikers love the young, fucked up ones who daddy didn’t love enough, you know?”
Jane’s eyes shut tight at the harsh words. She swallowed the lump in her throat and reopened them to find the lookalike staring right at her.
“You know that singer, Mae? God, she’s so sexy but it’s subtle. She looks like someone you could bring home to mom but completely ravage later that night.”
Now, Jane couldn’t tell you what happened next. Her following memory was her knees and hands smacking the sidewalk, the momentum carrying her a few inches before she rolled off the curb. She could hear the mumbled yell of Derik, yelling something about her being a junkie.
She crawled back up to the sidewalk and first removed her boots, tossing them next to her. Next, using a parking sign’s pole, Jane heaved herself up, groaning in both defeat and pain until she turned the corner, leading to her break area - a grassy alleyway that eventually led to the back of the strip’s stores. Instead, Jane found her usual spot next to a patch of bushes and dropped, sighing weakly. Her phone, her money, anything that could get her home without walking twenty blocks at 3 AM in a crimson red cat suit, was all in her bag in her locker.
Jane buried her hands into the fold of her knees and shivered, rocking back and forth with her eyes closed. If she waited until around 6:30 AM, the coffee shop would open, and she could use a –
“Need a shirt?”
Jane scrambled back against the brick wall, putting out a bare foot as if it’d keep her safe.
“Club’s that way,” she instructed, pointing a finger out.
“No, no,” the man put his hands up and backed away. “I am walking back to my hotel; I saw something red in the bushes.” Accent detected, probably just a tourist.
But the goofy smile he offered allowed Jane to lower her foot, then she returned to hugging her knees. “You have an extra?”
“Always do when I travel,” he grunted, throwing the backpack around his front and in a moment, tossed a rolled up gray shirt at Jane.
“Thank you.”
“Sure. Now,” he crouched down, his eyes showing concern. “Doesn’t look like you had a pocket for a phone. Need to make a call?”
“P-Please. Thank you.” She watched him with curiosity as his arms disappeared back into the backpack. “Why are you in LB? Probably lots of better places to visit in California.”
“While I’ve been to California many times, this city was actually on my bucket list for a while. Lots of my favorite music came from here.”
Jane snorted. “What, Sublime?”
Without answering, he winked and handed her the phone, standing and walking away to allow privacy.
“Austin?…last strike…will you come get me? I, uh, I think I attacked a customer….yeah, I’m around the corner in the alley…you’ll have to go to my locker and get my shit…okay…thank you.”
By the end of the call, her voice crumpled to a whisper, and the phone was returned to the stranger.
“Thank you…I didn’t get your name.”
“Dante. What do you go by?”
“Well, it was Pennie,” she laughed as she stood. “It’s, uh, something from an ex that I can’t get over. But I think my career officially ended tonight.”
“With an I-E at the end?”
Jane cocked her head to the side with amusement. “How’d you know?”
“Just a feeling,” he smiled, throwing his backpack and offering a hand. “Well, Pennie, I have a very early, very long flight in about three hours. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.”
Jane shook his hand. “Thank you again. My friend lives right down the street, should be here any second.”
“Good luck. I hope you get better soon.”
Before Jane could ask what he meant, his silhouette vanished around the corner, and Austin’s motor broke the silent night as it arrived to the mouth of the alley.
She ran up as he turned off the car and headed for the front door of Heart’s, not looking back.
“Austin, I’m sor-“
“I am not dealing with you yet,” he yelled back as he continued down the sidewalk.
She gave up, plopping into the front seat of the Camaro with a huff as so Austin disappeared inside the club. Jane pulled down the visor and slid the mirror cover to the side, revealing the result of the night. Black make-up now traveled around her sunken eyes. Fingerprints of dried blood spotted her face. Her skin was dry, her hair hadn’t been brushed for at least a month. She barely recognized herself.
The duffel bag whipped past her in the back seat, following Austin plopping in the front. Curly hair exploded out of a bun behind his head, and he was still in his plaid pajama bottoms. By the way the car jerked out of the spot and sped down the road, he wasn’t pleased.
Jane’s upper half dove into the back to retrieve her things, ignoring the pain in her elbows from movement and digging with fervor through what sounded like an entire aisle of a store.
“You’re not banging that shit in my car, J.”
“I know, I know. Just getting it ready.”
There was silence until Jane noticed them zoom past her street. “What are - “
“We’re going to the park.”
Fuck
Austin waited in the car as Jane reappeared from the park’s tree line, wobbling happily in the headlights’ beam.
“We’re gonna talk now,” Austin declared, putting the windows down and turning the ignition off.
“I just got high, I don’t-“
“Correction, I’m gonna talk now.”
Jane, not wanting to text him further, nodded in submission and folded herself comfortably for the long haul in the passenger seat.
“I’m moving to Arizona next week. Well, on Monday.”
Jane’s expression didn’t change, it rarely did when she was high, but her chest began to constrict.
“I finally stopped just talking about it. The semester starts in two weeks, and I’m enrolled. I have an apartment ready to go and guaranteed placement after I graduate.”
It was so much to take in. If her head wasn’t already spinning, it surely was now. As a sign she was still listening, Jane nodded again.
“I didn’t tell you, well, because I wasn’t sure you could handle it.”
Ouch.
“But I gotta move on. I’m done with Long Beach, with California. I don’t even know why you stay - the whole town blacklisted you…backed you into the one place that would take you.”
“Hey,” Jane interjected, attempting to sound assertive, but it could’ve been a question.
“No, J. You don’t need the fucking money. I don’t get why you even do it.”
“I’m so lonely, Austin,” her voice cracked to an inaudible breath as she screamed. Tears began to pour. The shirt the Dante gave her was now dabbing her eyes. “It’s fine. You don’t need to take care of me anymore,” she sighed, refusing to look anywhere but out at the trees through the passenger window.
Austin sighed, rubbing his head. “You can’t do this to me anymore.”
“Oh, do what to you, Austin? Take you, Sam and Rob to the fucking top while I’m stuck in the gutter?” Jane was beginning to make a plan in her head on how to get home once she left the vehicle when Austin made her turn in her seat.
“You love the gutter,” he responded, his words dripping with venom. “You’ve turned into this…this hot and cold, manipulative monster. I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore.”
Back to a dead expression, Jane nodded. Then, they sat staring the other waiting for the next move. She wasn’t budging.
“I miss you, J. The old you. You were this ball of fun and chaos and power. You lit up the room. Now, you…”
Now Austin turned away, clearing his throat and releasing the knuckles that gripped the steering wheel.
“I know I’m the only one you have left.” His voice took a deeper tone, masking any emotion hiding below the surface. “Arizona is going to be so good for me, but I’m scared I’m gonna get the call.”
Jane’s eyes shut. That was the worst to hear of all.
“I’ve already seen you start to overdose, J, and that fucked me up. I know you didn’t even think about what it did to me, but seeing you - seeing anyone like that...”
“You’re asking me to go back,” Jane whispered. Her face twisted into a grimace. “You want me to go back there.”
“You have the money, Pennie,” he teased, ruffling her hair. “And you’re a fucking wreck.”
The remark caused Jane to snort, and soon the two were laughing.
After a few more minutes of going over finer details, and of course, a gentlemen’s handshake, they were heading towards New Beginnings, a top of the line, spa-like rehab in Malibu that felt like more like a resort than a medical facility. To be fair, Jane took none of it seriously the first time around. She said and did the right things, rushing out of the program as fast as she could.
Her reasoning? She’d have a shot to get Rob back if she was clean. They hadn’t spoken since she left, but maybe…just maybe, he’d give her a chance again to make things right.
But, by the time Jane gotten her act together enough to the naked eye, Rob was with Mae.
“Have you still not gotten over him? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great stripper name.”
Jane laughed as she worked the lace body suit off her body without removing the shirt, contorting her body until it was fully off. Next, a pair of soft shorts were wriggled on over the metallic red bottoms.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him….” Saying it out loud felt freeing yet damning. As if it didn’t really count until it was said aloud. “It’s been almost three years, and just when I think he’s off my mind, he’s there again. A dream, the fucking band being plastered everywhere, a familiar smell or, or song or…”
She stopped herself before the tears came again.
“I was his best friend. I was the one there for him all his life. He was everything and he just…he left. He fucking left and moved on, and I just fucking can’t. It should’ve been him and I like that, like MAE. It was always supposed to be us forever and…”
Austin sighed deeply, obviously mooring over the information he was given. For someone who looked like Spicoli, the man had wisdom. “I fucked up bad. I never told him I was using…I just…If I get clean, maybe –“
“It’s been a while since I spoke to him, J, but he seems happy. And not Rob’s fake-happy we all know. He’s in love.”
Austin might as well have plunged a dagger in her chest. Jane’s teeth clenched, but a few breaths later, she let the air out and resumed her demeanor. “Then, I’m happy for him.”
“Then, I’m proud of you,” Austin smiled, nudging her shoulder.
Jane still wasn’t sure if Austin believed her that night, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Jane’s happiness for Rob wouldn’t come for a couple years, but for now, Jane’s distaste for Mae grew by the day.
“I still don’t like her.”
Austin laughed. They were pulling into parking lot of the rehab. “Well, you don’t have to. By the way, where the fuck did you get that shirt?”
“Huh?” Jane replied, not registering at first what he meant. “Oh.” She looked down to see a faded, cracked In Bloom logo.
“I thought you donated the rest of the merch you had,” Austin laughed, examining the shirt. “That’s from before we ever went on tour.”
“Wow.” Jane put all the pieces together in her mind, but it wasn’t worth the story. “Musta slipped through the cracks.
“Hey, Austin?”
“Yeah,” he responded. He had been adjusting the strap on Jane’s guitar to fit him.
“Thanks for that night you got me at Heart’s and checked me in. I, uh. I owe you a lot.” She approached him and held out her hands.
He took them and smiled. “Well, obviously I didn’t do that great of a job. Ya went back, you know.”
Jane rolled her eyes, but a smile was plastered onto her face. “You’ve always been a great friend.”
“I can’t say the same about you,” they both paused to laugh, “but I’ll always care about you, J. Just, for everyone’s sakes, please don’t relapse again.”
Jane shook her head. “No way. I like where I’m at now.”
“You look good. Healthy, hydrated…”
Austin’s eyes paused on her chest, and Jane flipped him off.
“Sorry, I totally forgot you got those things.”
Jane chuckled and sat on her stool that sat in front of a studio microphone. “I’ve been so single, I forget I have them, too.”
With her headphones on, the two fiddled around with the sound for around five minutes until they were satisfied.
As Jane was setting up her phone to go live, Austin signaled for her to wait. “Hey, what made you bring that night up anyway?”
“Well…” Jane grunted. The countdown started, and she ran back to the stool and turned to Austin. “You’re about to find out.”
Before anyone entered, Jane checked to confirm all signed of blonde were tucked back into the hoodie. “It usually takes a minute to get some people in.”
Around the 2-minute mark, they had about forty people viewing, the chat already pinging about the new person on camera.
“Hey guys. It’s Pennie.”
“Jeeeesus,” Austin sighed, causing Jane to punch him in the shoulder.
“This is my friend Arthur. He’s a dick, but he grows on you.” Jane displayed him like Vanna White, and the comments began to light up. “Oooo, the ladies like you, Arthur.”
“Hi, ladies,” Austin said shyly, waving a hand.
“Alright, we got a few songs for you guys, AND, Arthur is way better on the guitar than me. Ready?”
He nodded. “Let’s do it.”
“I mean,” Austin panted, chasing up the steps after Jane, “even when I listened to that song I thought of you guys. It’s a little on the nose.”
The song, Lullabies, was the last song they were covering, but Jane broke down, ended the live feed, and dashed up upstairs with her phone.
“Come in my room,” Jane whispered harshly with wide eyes.
Once the door clicked behind them, Jane plopped on her bed. “I’m still not over him, Aust.”
“No, no, no,” Austin waved his hands and paced. “I am not doing this again. Do you remember how things went last time?”
Jane waved a hand. “We were kids. I was fucked up. It’s different now.”
“I’m not doing it. You guys are going to have to work it out by yourselves.” Austin turned the knob of the door when Jane uttered a sentence that was too good for him to ignore.
“So, you think me inviting him out to dinner after we write is a bad idea?”
Austin released his well formed muscles and dropped his shoulders sighing. He wouldn’t look back at her. “I happen to think that’s a very good idea.” With that, he left the room, leaving her to devise her plan.
It wasn’t a great plan.
Jane put on a tank top, some frayed white shorts, topped with a hoodie that hung loosely on her arms. She also flipped her hair up and down and shook it with her fingers, attempting to recreate the same she had years ago. It’d never be the same – years of not brushing weren’t part of her routine anymore – but once satisfied, she tiptoed down the hall of bedrooms until she reached Rob’s door.
Knock knock. “Rob?”
Nothing.
Knock knock knock. “Rob? It’s J, I’m coming in….”
The door, unlocked, opened slowly, revealing Rob shirtless in bed. It the heat of the moment, it was hard to decipher if he was awake or not. But, Jane didn’t care.
God, he aged well.
“Hi,” she spoke, letting only a smirk show. “I, uh…I figured since we’re living together for the next few weeks it might be good for us to…you know, catch up?” Jane winced at her own words. “We can eat in the backyard, or find somewhere private, its up…” she felt like she’d been rambling for hours already. “Don’t need an answer now, sorry to barge in…I, I’ll see you downstairs later.”
Jane closed the door behind her and bolted back to her the safety of her bedroom, screaming into her pillow once diving into the bed.
Why was it so hard to talk to him now?
Of all the fantasies Jane had of the two of them seeing each other again, none of them included rambling like an idiot. This was obviously going to take a lot more than a tank top and a dinner to get over. The weirdness. And, Jane assumed, his hate for her. It be a mission, but god damn it, she was going to get Rob back, whether it was now or later.
What if she just went to his room now?
“No,” she said aloud to her own thoughts.
If Jane had a shot at proving to Rob that she changed for the better, trying to seduce him was probably not the best move. Especially on the first night.
She sighed in frustration and opened the tub of ice cream instead, deciding to escape her thoughts with some reality show on Netflix.
***
“I still can’t get over it,” Jane whispered, her nimble fingers rubbing the top of Austin’s head. “And this beard.” She had moved down the poof of hair and ran her fingers through it with a childlike curiosity.
“Will you braid it while we’re here?” Austin asked sincerely, causing her to chuckle.
“If that’s the look you’re going for, then sure, old friend.”
They had been the first awake – around 5:30 am – and after a joint in the backyard, they were preparing for livestream for Jane’s anonymous IG account. “You brought your disguise?”
“The sunglasses and hat? Yeah, I got it.” Austin chuckled at Jane’s seriousness. “No one’s figured this out yet?”
“There’ve been guesses, but none are close,” she responded as she tucked her hair into a cap and pulled the hood of her sweater on top. Next, a black pair of oversized round glasses that hid close to half her face. “It’s the only outlet I’ve had to create music without the…the –“
“The attention?”
“Yeah. Something like that,” Jane mumbled, grabbing her acoustic guitar case and handing it to Austin. “You sure you got the songs down fine?”
“Look at J, worried about my guitar playing. I know you got pretty good on that mountain of yours, but your still no Austin.”
Jane smiled, “you’re right.”
While Jane liked the anonymity of the account she created, it wasn’t because of lack of need for attention. Especially during the rough years, all she craved was attention, but it never quite filled the void she had.
7 YEARS AGO
The club reeked of cigar and cigarette smoke, hazy too, and Jane stumbled out from the locker room out onto the floor. She’d gotten too fucked up before work, but if she could just avoid –
Suddenly, Jane was falling to the floor, only to be picked up by her boss and Heart’s owner, Derik. “I told you, Pennie, the next time you can’t finish a shift because you’re nodding out, I’m kicking your ass out of here for good.”
“Let me jussst get a vodka red bull and I’ll wake right up!” Jane slurred, winking at her boss and brushing past him to the bar. “The usual,” she groaned to the bartender as she pulled the black fishnet sleeves up to cover the track marks that now inhabited both crooks of her elbows. The rest of her outfit consisted of a black bra, a black thong that peaked out over tiny black denim “shorts” and black fishnet stockings. While Jane never had what was considered a stripper’s body, between the implants and the crowd of old bikers, she developed a group of men who would come back just to see her.
Heroin, most of all, made it all bearable. It numbed Jane enough to ignore the faces and the harshness of the men she served, and instead, let her soak up the attention she craved. The feeling of hands on her. Of being wanted, and her just giving into it.
Heart’s was safe. The connections didn’t extend past the parking lot. These men went home to their wives, Jane went home to her trashed 20th floor apartment in Long Beach. There were no feelings involved, at least on Jane’s end, which kept her from getting her heart broken. Well, from getting her heart broken further.
“Up next, Pennie!” the DJ announced from his booth, causing a group of men up front to applaud.
Jane choked down the rest of her drink and stomping towards the stage, giving Mark the DJ a wink as a cue to start the song as she settled side stage in the dark.
“You’re fine, you’re fine, you’re not even that fucked up,” Jane mumbled to herself, smacking her face to wake herself up.
Deep Set filled the room at a roaring volume, the bass and drums of the song rumbling the wooden floor of the establishment. Jane’s black, platform boots ascended the stairs and the spotlight followed her to center stage. The usual crowd all called to Pennie, and that was all Jane needed to start, slowly grinding her hips as the denim shorts reached her heel, with precision, kicked them off to the sides stage, causing another cheer.
As Jane continued her normal routine, she noticed a man sitting in the back, and she paused completely for a split second to focus her eyes beyond the harsh stage lights. She’d have no luck until she was nearing the end of her song, much closer to the edge of stage where men were stuffing singles into what was left on her body. Definitely not Rob, but boy, did it look like him. To be fair, he could be any brunette man in his late twenties. It was enough.
But he wasn’t looking at her. At all. The patron, engrossed in his phone, sat their sipping his drink as Jane performed the end of the routine. The applause at the end didn’t evoke even one glance up.
After her song ended, Jane stormed off the stage, took a quick detour to the bar, then headed to the locker room for her next outfit. This one was red, lace, and head to toe, cut out to show “the goods.” Jane fixed this with a metallic red bikini underneath with a matching pair of horns attached to a headband. The tail attached to the thong of her bathing suit.
Checking herself in the mirror, a younger self flashed in her mind, and her boot kicked the wall of the bathroom.
”FUCK.”
Then - after another trip to the bar - she approached the lookalike as she finished her drink. The man put down his phone and looked up to her, evaluating her in a flash from head to toe as men usually do, and leaned back in his chair confidently.
“Would you like a dance?” Jane offered, focusing on not slurring the words.
The patron smiled but shook his head. “No, thank you.” He waited a few seconds, then picked his phone back up as he took a sip.
Jane blinked in confusion as his rejection but returned to seduction mode like a switch. “Firsssst, you don’t watch my dance…” Her legs, extended by her boots, stepped closer, and let a hand graze his shoulder. “There’sss the VIP room back…there,” her legs wobbled “and I’d like to - “
“Really,” the man spoke, this time more firmly. “No thank you.”
“Why come to the club then, huh? For the drinks?”
He scoffed and straightened up, seemingly enjoying the confrontation. “You’re not my type, sweetie.”
Jane raised an eyebrow, now much too invested to break away from the conversation. If her pseudo-Rob didn’t want her, she desperately wanted to hear why. What wasn’t enough for him? “Yeah? What’s your type then?”
“You know,” he started, “classier.”
“You know where you are, right?”
“Well, Pennie, the… the skinny, heroin chic thing isn’t for me. I know you must clean up nice around here. The bikers love the young, fucked up ones who daddy didn’t love enough, you know?”
Jane’s eyes shut tight at the harsh words. She swallowed the lump in her throat and reopened them to find the lookalike staring right at her.
“You know that singer, Mae? God, she’s so sexy but it’s subtle. She looks like someone you could bring home to mom but completely ravage later that night.”
Now, Jane couldn’t tell you what happened next. Her following memory was her knees and hands smacking the sidewalk, the momentum carrying her a few inches before she rolled off the curb. She could hear the mumbled yell of Derik, yelling something about her being a junkie.
She crawled back up to the sidewalk and first removed her boots, tossing them next to her. Next, using a parking sign’s pole, Jane heaved herself up, groaning in both defeat and pain until she turned the corner, leading to her break area - a grassy alleyway that eventually led to the back of the strip’s stores. Instead, Jane found her usual spot next to a patch of bushes and dropped, sighing weakly. Her phone, her money, anything that could get her home without walking twenty blocks at 3 AM in a crimson red cat suit, was all in her bag in her locker.
Jane buried her hands into the fold of her knees and shivered, rocking back and forth with her eyes closed. If she waited until around 6:30 AM, the coffee shop would open, and she could use a –
“Need a shirt?”
Jane scrambled back against the brick wall, putting out a bare foot as if it’d keep her safe.
“Club’s that way,” she instructed, pointing a finger out.
“No, no,” the man put his hands up and backed away. “I am walking back to my hotel; I saw something red in the bushes.” Accent detected, probably just a tourist.
But the goofy smile he offered allowed Jane to lower her foot, then she returned to hugging her knees. “You have an extra?”
“Always do when I travel,” he grunted, throwing the backpack around his front and in a moment, tossed a rolled up gray shirt at Jane.
“Thank you.”
“Sure. Now,” he crouched down, his eyes showing concern. “Doesn’t look like you had a pocket for a phone. Need to make a call?”
“P-Please. Thank you.” She watched him with curiosity as his arms disappeared back into the backpack. “Why are you in LB? Probably lots of better places to visit in California.”
“While I’ve been to California many times, this city was actually on my bucket list for a while. Lots of my favorite music came from here.”
Jane snorted. “What, Sublime?”
Without answering, he winked and handed her the phone, standing and walking away to allow privacy.
“Austin?…last strike…will you come get me? I, uh, I think I attacked a customer….yeah, I’m around the corner in the alley…you’ll have to go to my locker and get my shit…okay…thank you.”
By the end of the call, her voice crumpled to a whisper, and the phone was returned to the stranger.
“Thank you…I didn’t get your name.”
“Dante. What do you go by?”
“Well, it was Pennie,” she laughed as she stood. “It’s, uh, something from an ex that I can’t get over. But I think my career officially ended tonight.”
“With an I-E at the end?”
Jane cocked her head to the side with amusement. “How’d you know?”
“Just a feeling,” he smiled, throwing his backpack and offering a hand. “Well, Pennie, I have a very early, very long flight in about three hours. Hope you have a better day tomorrow.”
Jane shook his hand. “Thank you again. My friend lives right down the street, should be here any second.”
“Good luck. I hope you get better soon.”
Before Jane could ask what he meant, his silhouette vanished around the corner, and Austin’s motor broke the silent night as it arrived to the mouth of the alley.
She ran up as he turned off the car and headed for the front door of Heart’s, not looking back.
“Austin, I’m sor-“
“I am not dealing with you yet,” he yelled back as he continued down the sidewalk.
She gave up, plopping into the front seat of the Camaro with a huff as so Austin disappeared inside the club. Jane pulled down the visor and slid the mirror cover to the side, revealing the result of the night. Black make-up now traveled around her sunken eyes. Fingerprints of dried blood spotted her face. Her skin was dry, her hair hadn’t been brushed for at least a month. She barely recognized herself.
The duffel bag whipped past her in the back seat, following Austin plopping in the front. Curly hair exploded out of a bun behind his head, and he was still in his plaid pajama bottoms. By the way the car jerked out of the spot and sped down the road, he wasn’t pleased.
Jane’s upper half dove into the back to retrieve her things, ignoring the pain in her elbows from movement and digging with fervor through what sounded like an entire aisle of a store.
“You’re not banging that shit in my car, J.”
“I know, I know. Just getting it ready.”
There was silence until Jane noticed them zoom past her street. “What are - “
“We’re going to the park.”
Fuck
***
Austin waited in the car as Jane reappeared from the park’s tree line, wobbling happily in the headlights’ beam.
“We’re gonna talk now,” Austin declared, putting the windows down and turning the ignition off.
“I just got high, I don’t-“
“Correction, I’m gonna talk now.”
Jane, not wanting to text him further, nodded in submission and folded herself comfortably for the long haul in the passenger seat.
“I’m moving to Arizona next week. Well, on Monday.”
Jane’s expression didn’t change, it rarely did when she was high, but her chest began to constrict.
“I finally stopped just talking about it. The semester starts in two weeks, and I’m enrolled. I have an apartment ready to go and guaranteed placement after I graduate.”
It was so much to take in. If her head wasn’t already spinning, it surely was now. As a sign she was still listening, Jane nodded again.
“I didn’t tell you, well, because I wasn’t sure you could handle it.”
Ouch.
“But I gotta move on. I’m done with Long Beach, with California. I don’t even know why you stay - the whole town blacklisted you…backed you into the one place that would take you.”
“Hey,” Jane interjected, attempting to sound assertive, but it could’ve been a question.
“No, J. You don’t need the fucking money. I don’t get why you even do it.”
“I’m so lonely, Austin,” her voice cracked to an inaudible breath as she screamed. Tears began to pour. The shirt the Dante gave her was now dabbing her eyes. “It’s fine. You don’t need to take care of me anymore,” she sighed, refusing to look anywhere but out at the trees through the passenger window.
Austin sighed, rubbing his head. “You can’t do this to me anymore.”
“Oh, do what to you, Austin? Take you, Sam and Rob to the fucking top while I’m stuck in the gutter?” Jane was beginning to make a plan in her head on how to get home once she left the vehicle when Austin made her turn in her seat.
“You love the gutter,” he responded, his words dripping with venom. “You’ve turned into this…this hot and cold, manipulative monster. I don’t even know who I’m looking at anymore.”
Back to a dead expression, Jane nodded. Then, they sat staring the other waiting for the next move. She wasn’t budging.
“I miss you, J. The old you. You were this ball of fun and chaos and power. You lit up the room. Now, you…”
Now Austin turned away, clearing his throat and releasing the knuckles that gripped the steering wheel.
“I know I’m the only one you have left.” His voice took a deeper tone, masking any emotion hiding below the surface. “Arizona is going to be so good for me, but I’m scared I’m gonna get the call.”
Jane’s eyes shut. That was the worst to hear of all.
“I’ve already seen you start to overdose, J, and that fucked me up. I know you didn’t even think about what it did to me, but seeing you - seeing anyone like that...”
“You’re asking me to go back,” Jane whispered. Her face twisted into a grimace. “You want me to go back there.”
“You have the money, Pennie,” he teased, ruffling her hair. “And you’re a fucking wreck.”
The remark caused Jane to snort, and soon the two were laughing.
After a few more minutes of going over finer details, and of course, a gentlemen’s handshake, they were heading towards New Beginnings, a top of the line, spa-like rehab in Malibu that felt like more like a resort than a medical facility. To be fair, Jane took none of it seriously the first time around. She said and did the right things, rushing out of the program as fast as she could.
Her reasoning? She’d have a shot to get Rob back if she was clean. They hadn’t spoken since she left, but maybe…just maybe, he’d give her a chance again to make things right.
But, by the time Jane gotten her act together enough to the naked eye, Rob was with Mae.
“Have you still not gotten over him? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great stripper name.”
Jane laughed as she worked the lace body suit off her body without removing the shirt, contorting her body until it was fully off. Next, a pair of soft shorts were wriggled on over the metallic red bottoms.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him….” Saying it out loud felt freeing yet damning. As if it didn’t really count until it was said aloud. “It’s been almost three years, and just when I think he’s off my mind, he’s there again. A dream, the fucking band being plastered everywhere, a familiar smell or, or song or…”
She stopped herself before the tears came again.
“I was his best friend. I was the one there for him all his life. He was everything and he just…he left. He fucking left and moved on, and I just fucking can’t. It should’ve been him and I like that, like MAE. It was always supposed to be us forever and…”
Austin sighed deeply, obviously mooring over the information he was given. For someone who looked like Spicoli, the man had wisdom. “I fucked up bad. I never told him I was using…I just…If I get clean, maybe –“
“It’s been a while since I spoke to him, J, but he seems happy. And not Rob’s fake-happy we all know. He’s in love.”
Austin might as well have plunged a dagger in her chest. Jane’s teeth clenched, but a few breaths later, she let the air out and resumed her demeanor. “Then, I’m happy for him.”
“Then, I’m proud of you,” Austin smiled, nudging her shoulder.
Jane still wasn’t sure if Austin believed her that night, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Jane’s happiness for Rob wouldn’t come for a couple years, but for now, Jane’s distaste for Mae grew by the day.
“I still don’t like her.”
Austin laughed. They were pulling into parking lot of the rehab. “Well, you don’t have to. By the way, where the fuck did you get that shirt?”
“Huh?” Jane replied, not registering at first what he meant. “Oh.” She looked down to see a faded, cracked In Bloom logo.
“I thought you donated the rest of the merch you had,” Austin laughed, examining the shirt. “That’s from before we ever went on tour.”
“Wow.” Jane put all the pieces together in her mind, but it wasn’t worth the story. “Musta slipped through the cracks.
***
PRESENT DAY
“Hey, Austin?”
“Yeah,” he responded. He had been adjusting the strap on Jane’s guitar to fit him.
“Thanks for that night you got me at Heart’s and checked me in. I, uh. I owe you a lot.” She approached him and held out her hands.
He took them and smiled. “Well, obviously I didn’t do that great of a job. Ya went back, you know.”
Jane rolled her eyes, but a smile was plastered onto her face. “You’ve always been a great friend.”
“I can’t say the same about you,” they both paused to laugh, “but I’ll always care about you, J. Just, for everyone’s sakes, please don’t relapse again.”
Jane shook her head. “No way. I like where I’m at now.”
“You look good. Healthy, hydrated…”
Austin’s eyes paused on her chest, and Jane flipped him off.
“Sorry, I totally forgot you got those things.”
Jane chuckled and sat on her stool that sat in front of a studio microphone. “I’ve been so single, I forget I have them, too.”
With her headphones on, the two fiddled around with the sound for around five minutes until they were satisfied.
As Jane was setting up her phone to go live, Austin signaled for her to wait. “Hey, what made you bring that night up anyway?”
“Well…” Jane grunted. The countdown started, and she ran back to the stool and turned to Austin. “You’re about to find out.”
Before anyone entered, Jane checked to confirm all signed of blonde were tucked back into the hoodie. “It usually takes a minute to get some people in.”
Around the 2-minute mark, they had about forty people viewing, the chat already pinging about the new person on camera.
“Hey guys. It’s Pennie.”
“Jeeeesus,” Austin sighed, causing Jane to punch him in the shoulder.
“This is my friend Arthur. He’s a dick, but he grows on you.” Jane displayed him like Vanna White, and the comments began to light up. “Oooo, the ladies like you, Arthur.”
“Hi, ladies,” Austin said shyly, waving a hand.
“Alright, we got a few songs for you guys, AND, Arthur is way better on the guitar than me. Ready?”
He nodded. “Let’s do it.”
***
“I mean,” Austin panted, chasing up the steps after Jane, “even when I listened to that song I thought of you guys. It’s a little on the nose.”
The song, Lullabies, was the last song they were covering, but Jane broke down, ended the live feed, and dashed up upstairs with her phone.
“Come in my room,” Jane whispered harshly with wide eyes.
Once the door clicked behind them, Jane plopped on her bed. “I’m still not over him, Aust.”
“No, no, no,” Austin waved his hands and paced. “I am not doing this again. Do you remember how things went last time?”
Jane waved a hand. “We were kids. I was fucked up. It’s different now.”
“I’m not doing it. You guys are going to have to work it out by yourselves.” Austin turned the knob of the door when Jane uttered a sentence that was too good for him to ignore.
“So, you think me inviting him out to dinner after we write is a bad idea?”
Austin released his well formed muscles and dropped his shoulders sighing. He wouldn’t look back at her. “I happen to think that’s a very good idea.” With that, he left the room, leaving her to devise her plan.
It wasn’t a great plan.
Jane put on a tank top, some frayed white shorts, topped with a hoodie that hung loosely on her arms. She also flipped her hair up and down and shook it with her fingers, attempting to recreate the same she had years ago. It’d never be the same – years of not brushing weren’t part of her routine anymore – but once satisfied, she tiptoed down the hall of bedrooms until she reached Rob’s door.
Knock knock. “Rob?”
Nothing.
Knock knock knock. “Rob? It’s J, I’m coming in….”
The door, unlocked, opened slowly, revealing Rob shirtless in bed. It the heat of the moment, it was hard to decipher if he was awake or not. But, Jane didn’t care.
God, he aged well.
“Hi,” she spoke, letting only a smirk show. “I, uh…I figured since we’re living together for the next few weeks it might be good for us to…you know, catch up?” Jane winced at her own words. “We can eat in the backyard, or find somewhere private, its up…” she felt like she’d been rambling for hours already. “Don’t need an answer now, sorry to barge in…I, I’ll see you downstairs later.”
Jane closed the door behind her and bolted back to her the safety of her bedroom, screaming into her pillow once diving into the bed.
Why was it so hard to talk to him now?
Of all the fantasies Jane had of the two of them seeing each other again, none of them included rambling like an idiot. This was obviously going to take a lot more than a tank top and a dinner to get over. The weirdness. And, Jane assumed, his hate for her. It be a mission, but god damn it, she was going to get Rob back, whether it was now or later.
