Esben Mathiassen and Rudolf Sagramore
Having come from a coastal barony, Esben wasn’t particularly unfamiliar with the rock and roll of a boat on coastal waters. If anything, he was rather impressed how well the rest were adjusting to it...and, for the first time since they’d set out, he was able to observe it without being in the middle of them all, as the rest had just finished taking their lunch—either the meal proper or simply taking the food off to their own haunts, as the case may be. Not having been particularly hungry, he had decided to forgo the meal, confident that the rest of Team Kirin could understand that he wanted some time to himself, or at least his own devices.
Resting in Bikke’s enlarged fighting top on the mizzenmast, he knew full well that he was once again lacking in the former, but could finally pursue the latter as he heard another body come climbing up the shrouds, the platform creaking with the weight pulling at its corners.
”Come here often?””More than,” the body in question groused, bowl in one hand while the other propelled his small frame the rest of the way up with unlikely ease.
”That’s the only spot worth a damn I could squeeze out of Bikke.”He plopped down without a lot of ceremony, picking at his food regardless of his miffed reaction. If there was one thing Rudolf was confident in these days, it was that people would eventually find him if they wanted to— and that he had a grander scheme of things to worry about than a less-than solitary perch.
He accepted this was just how it was going to go today, and let his weight shift with the sway.
”Mmm. I haven’t known you to get so annoyed at something like this.” He glanced at the bowl with mild curiosity. Stew of some sort, as expected; aboard a ship such as this, there was little else that would really be possible to make. Not particularly inspiring fare, certainly worthy of some blame for sailors’ notoriously surly demeanour.
Despite his best efforts to match their mood, however, Rudolf wasn’t a sailor.
”Nor to be so unquestioning. Surely you aren’t just that hungry?””I’ve never been so hungry as I ought to be, no.” he gave up readily enough, as though brushing the question aside.
“And if you want a question from me, I guess we can start with ‘Is this a coincidence, or am I getting hunted down again?’ If it’s the former I’d ask for your understanding— the latter’s been a mixed bag at best for me.”He shoveled some of the nondescript stew down his gullet, continuing to stare straight ahead into the waves, occasionally flicking down to the milling crew or Kirins below if something was loud enough to catch his ears.
”Danube knows you’re sharp enough to see what’s been downwind of the fight with Izayoi’s master, even if you were conked out for it.”Despite his leery nature, that one didn’t seem like it was meant to jab at any potential sore spots Esben may or may not have had regarding how all that went down. They’d
alll come within a hair’s breadth of oblivion. Getting caught while suffering from minor heatstroke was getting off lucky, if anything.
Esben let out an uncharacteristically annoyed grunt at the mention of his own state out in the desert. Little over a week out from the poorly-considered escapade, he still found himself beset with regular headaches, that combined with the sunlight were nigh-intolerable. That was all something he’d just as soon keep from thinking about as bring up in any conversation, though it did relate directly to why he’d come.
”Well, I can’t say I expected you to volunteer information so readily.””If you can find a way leverage my lack of appetite against me, you deserve it.””Am I really so charming?” The near-monotone broke suddenly with the wry rise of his voice at the end, one eyebrow half-raised as his blank features morphed into a very slight grin. His eyes turned, following Rudolf’s gaze at the rest of the crew and team down below. Even from only twenty feet up, they were at least afforded a decent measure of privacy.
”I am missing whatever it was that has led to this change, yes, although it’s obvious to see. Some of the others seem to feel some new suspicion towards you. Moreover, I’ve noticed you are doing everything you can to avoid us as much as possible.””I’m a spooky guy. Out of sight, out of mind.” he countered simply, drawing a lazy “X” in the air with the spoon to show it.
”Bikke wants me and my inauspicious aura the hell away from the working sailors in the first place, anyway. And everything I give at this point’s a courtesy—whatever you wanna get, I know you know how to get. May as well save you the trouble.”Ciradyl had put him on the ropes seemingly every other sentence only the day before. Somebody
formally trained at information gathering…
A spot of black and white from below, somewhere near the bow, impassively staring out at the waves off by the railing caught his eye. Esben’s gaze was sure to have followed.
“And so to speak, I’m sure you can recognize how hard it is to believe that nobody’s mentioned what happened back there to you by now— her least of all. Got me under the microscope more than even Galahad.”Esben's smile reversed itself into a frown.
”Well, now, I wasn't aware I'd said that. Thank you for letting me know, Rudi.” The sarcasm was even more obvious than his joke had been. In the face of such stubbornness—half-forthcoming, part dissembling, but still entirely guarded—there was little to be gained by trying to focus on humor and charm entirely.
Moreover, as had already long since been made obvious, Rudolf was too familiar with the game of it all to fall for such simple tricks.
Further below, another flash of movement caught his eye—rod and bucket in hand, one of their party’s two ostensible leaders was making her way over to the solitary figure at the edge of the ship. Slim chance that the two of them wouldn't end up glancing up and catching sight of the pair among the rigging at some point, though between the others noticing Rudolf's absences and the fact that Esben was the one who had been travelling with him when they first met the team, there likely wouldn't be too many questions on that front. He certainly
hoped that would be the case.
”I remember the sudden darkness, and knowing that something had gone wrong with more than just myself. Then, your voice rawer than mine, and your leg unable to bear any weight. The others filled me in later, including that you saved Izayoi's life, and in the doing must have given enough of a distraction to thank for saving all the rest of ours as well.” He looked back up from Eve and Izayoi below, levelling his icy blue gaze back on the swordsman he shared a platform with.
”That does not mean I have what I need to piece this all together. So yes, Rudolf, I am still missing a side of this—your side, uncoloured by the retellings, worries, or suspicions of the others.”The ensuing pause hung in the air for a while, as the younger man turned the question over in his head, growing tension writ upon his face. His contingency plans for the event of a reveal had proven to be half-baked already by Galahad, childish and naive to the point of embarrassment. There was no analogue he could try and hide behind… and what was more, he’d already given up the game by acknowledging the suspicion’s foundings, the subtly
disquieting aura that told even basest instincts that something of his presence was
wrong.
”I don’t know if I can provide that. Their fears aren’t so baseless that I don’t share a few, Esben. What would you want from me, beyond the same pledge I’ve already made to the two of them that my loyalties are unmarred, and I’m supposed to be the only one incurring the cost of the curse?”At long last, his golden eyes slid to meet the icy blues of the Skaellar, searching him, prying the armor of his careful words open. SEEDs were trained to read people to the degree they could be believed psychic by the unwary laymen—and Rudolf only had so much more poise than them, in this state.
Curse? No, Contract. came a helpful reminder, as though on cue. Accompanying it, the sensation of a laugh, somewhere deep.
While he couldn’t throw anyone off the scent anymore…neither could he be fully forthcoming. Not after Ciradyl’d been exonerated by the failings of her victims. Not after Tane had opened her mouth the same moment Rudolf had felt the passenger
wake up again. Maybe it
was coincidence. Maybe it
wasn’t, and buying into the terms of his own volition had turned the tense arrangement he’d enjoyed for five years on its head completely.
Certain enough, this felt like uncharted waters.
”If I was worried about your loyalties, Rudolf, I wouldn’t be going about this quite so nicely.” Emotionless; matter-of-fact was barely adequate to describe the flat tone Esben delivered that single rebuttal with, his gaze holding steady even as Rudolf tried to control the growing tension in his own face. In his entire body, if the SEED had to guess; the swordsman had clearly been on edge for a while, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice and knowing that he didn’t even have the opportunity.
Every time that same tension started to play across the younger man’s features, he’d ended up revealing something.
”I’m sure you can understand how I won’t accept something that obvious, even if the others didn’t think it so. If you’re worried it’ll be too difficult—ease into it. Start with what you were saying to Ciradyl after we got back to the safehouse. Or is that itself too close to the truth?”Well, that was a relief. He’d made every effort to be helpful on dispatch thus far— he felt like he’d been going insane when Eve had implied he was a threat to the world itself. He’d shaken her off
that thought. Mostly.
Still felt her eyeing him when she thought he wouldn’t.
“The safehouse? ‘You don’t get sacrifices you’ve made back by getting your ass kicked’ Isn’t too close to the truth, it is the truth. Same with spilt blood sitting and rotting in the soul. I don’t take your meaning otherwise.”True to form, though, the spy had already clued into the throughline of every last one of these encounters.
He wanted to give in, but couldn’t.
There
was such a thing as “too close to the truth”. Both of them knew that.
”I’m not being coy saying this. There are some things I can’t afford to give up, but they aren’t covered by anything I spoke up to her about in a way I can see.”Esben sat silently for a long moment, still staring over at Rudolf. Long enough, maybe, to make the swordsman grow as uncomfortable as he always seemed to get whenever Eve glanced his way recently.
”I was rather thinking of...how’d you put it? ‘It’s something we’ll always know, that much is plenty punishment, for people like you and I?’ That seems to hint at things more closely than your other words. I imagine most of the Sagramori often fall more into the ‘face-to-face, man-to-man’ manner of doing things you mentioned.”He paused again, his glance falling to the spoon and bowl in Rudolf’s grasp.
”Or is such dissembling as you engage in on a daily basis part of their training regimen after all? I must confess, I am unfamiliar.”Shit.The raised eyebrow returned at the sudden shift in Rudolf’s expression. He was
remarkably adept at avoiding any major changes, but the tightening around his eyes, the thinning of his lips—were tantamount to a confession.
”Rudolf, I’d rather venture that I’m the one you can most afford to tell. It’s too obvious that you’re not some village-raised duelist and monster slayer, the others who haven’t will piece that one together, but at least they will understand not naming your family. But whatever else it is that has you pulling back since that night in the desert...you do know I won’t speak of it to the rest if you don’t wish me to, yes? Just the knowing would give my voice more weight if any disagreements should come to pass, and I’d rather not risk paranoia sowing its seeds when our bonds are still tenuous at best.””They say there’s endless distance between zero and one, Esben. I’m well aware that you’re both likely the most secular of us, and the best at keeping secrets. When Galahad came calling about whether or not the power I tapped into would endanger the party, I thought about you, and the way you wear your pedigree right on the sleeve.”Face to face, man to man.
“I would say the same of my time in the village, sure. But I was rash in trying to tie the deals Ciradyl made with mine. I’m not so noble. It’s a disservice to the good she did to weed out the egocentric fools that couldn’t look past their own nose—“Crap, he’d gotten going towards a ramble. Was he truly gonna burst at the seams with this shit just from light questioning? How was it that he’d held his tongue tighter when he had a damn Lightning Bolt trained on his skull?
He clamped down on his jaw, sucking air through his nose and teeth. He could taste the brine, and the copper of the unfortunate edge of his tongue. That’d take a couple hours to sort out.
Or thirty seconds. Introduce yourself to the White Mage, maybe. We’ll see how that goes. By the way,A closed fist slammed onto the wood beneath. A couple pirates looked up, clearly concerned with the gloomy thunderhead that had insisted upon nesting himself in their rigging, but his eyes were trained on a bore through his palm—
Where faint wisps of dark ink were dissipating into the westerly breeze.
”Just my luck. he muttered, pinching his brow as though set to rip the delicate nose clean off.
”You’re dealing with a cornered animal. Know that. This is a catch-22 for me. Not even you would…”He stopped, and thought. Thought hard, about everything that had transpired that night. From the additional ally they had gained… to the two friends on his hip he’d lost.
”Hell. I don’t know. Maybe understanding isn’t all that hard. Matter of fact it’s the easier problem.”When he met Esben’s eyes again, finally… a new part of the mask had fallen.
”But this quest is all I have. I can’t let it slip away.”It was obvious that this was about as bad as telling it all outright, of course. Knowing something was supposed to be so bad you would at the very least throw him out for it was already understandable cause to cut out the middleman. Rudolf understood that he’d left his king hanging, or whatever the fancy chess metaphor would be— he was always a shitty player, when you got past fundamentals and added things like time pressure.
But he’d gone and done it.
Given it away. It had all seemed a little more pointless after… had it piggybacked off his anger? Frustration with himself? Was this the new manifestation of his luck getting taken to fuel the deal?
At this rate, it hardly seemed to matter.
Esben’s eyes followed Rudolf’s down to his palm, the manifestation of whatever it was he’d brought to bear against the swordsman’s corpse in the desert slipping away with the wind.
”A cornered animal?” he echoed, letting the last of the outburst hang for the moment. He tilted his head back and forth, shrugging once.
”Inasmuch as you’ve caged yourself, I suppose.”Lacking control, whatever
it was was prying at every seam in its box to try and burst outwards alongside every emotion that the swordsman was trying to keep bottled up and locked away. Nothing so natural as the ability their mages had to manipulate the æther, whether in effect or manifestation.
Whether it was intended revelation or a slip of the tongue that he was desperately hoping could be missed or taken to mean nearly anything else, he’d said it as clear as day—”tie the deals Ciradyl made to mine.”
Another wall built deep inside, then, steadily building up the prison that Rudolf had managed to lock himself inside. Likely one of the first, something unspeakable that became part of the prison itself. Given how distinctly unnatural it was, how far out of the known methods of achieving such results, it was no wonder that some of the others had taken issue with it, even if it had saved their lives.
After a long silence, Esben finally tore his gaze back up from Rudolf’s fist.
”Unnatural as it is, Rudi, I already told you that I don’t have reason to doubt your loyalty. Your judgement, perhaps, but whatever this truly is, I don’t think that you’re quite so far gone as you think.” He gestured, his movements far sharper than his usual relaxed demeanour, once at the hand.
”That is worrisome, yes. But what worries me—”His hand drew upwards, pointing right at Rudolf’s chest.
”—Is that. Trying to bury it certainly seems to have the opposite effect, not when every time I speak up among the entire group you’re given new reason to withdraw, and whatever it is...” He shrugged again. It had already tried to loose itself once, after all. Rudolf didn’t need the reminder so shortly after.
”You’re letting whatever you’d prefer to hide speak for itself, I think. Letting it get ahead of you, when you should be doing the opposite. Even if you can’t bring yourself to say explicitly what it is, even if everybody is aware of how wrong it feels, this growing avoidant streak hurts you, to say nothing of how it does nothing for any of their perceptions of you.”There was a long silence.
It’s hell to fight alone.That was what he’d told her.
”I know. I forged this cage all my own. This is no way to live.”
When we throw everything away, we throw out things we can’t get back. People we can’t get back.
Even if nothing else matters, we still feel it all peeling away.How much longer, then, until the Kirins were part of that number? How much had he already shaved off? When would he let them down? When would the world take them away?
A humorless chuckle.
”It’s funny. Arrogant me, taking it upon myself to warn Ciradyl away from this. Youngest person here, acting like a lecturer. Like I have it all figured out.”But this was the hand he’d drawn. He’d dealt himself in.
”Really? I'd have guessed that Robin was younger.” Though, given the way that she didn't bother to even reveal certain
other basic facts of her being, his guess on the relative ages being wrong wouldn't be terribly surprising.
”Yeah, I was surprised too. She’s actually got about a year on Miina and I.”He turned away from Rudolf at last, leaning against the mast himself.
”These sorts of things take time to get past, no doubt. Recognition of it all is just the first, and perhaps most important, step.”He paused for a moment. For all that Rudolf had just been laughing at himself for spreading his ‘wisdom’, real or otherwise, Esben wasn't all that much older.
Though he didn't seem to be
entirely joking with what he'd just said.
”Also—we don't actually spend much time talking.”…
”That’s true. It’s just been one thing after the next. Nothing like the road to Atsu, huh? Ever since we met Cid, it’s all so…”He searched a moment, to find the word. The feeling. As he did so, that same hand from earlier cast out to wave over the shapes of the crew. Then the ship.
Then the sea, stretching out into the void of infinity beyond.
“Fwuuugh.” he finished eloquently. His hand dropped to his belt, falling upon the bone hilt of his rondel. With his two partners, beloved friends, retired… it was his last line of defense. The last one he trusted.
Could he prove he was worthy with this alone? Could he go to war for the world’s sake?
”Makes you feel tiny. Like everything I fought for before now didn’t mean anything. I used to think Lunaris was big, you know?”...
Esben turned and gave Rudolf a blank stare. The man wasn’t
wrong, not whatsoever, just that that was far from what he had meant.
”I’ve been assuming that you’d been avoiding me after finding out I wasn’t lying about being a Seed,” he said after a moment, with another shrug.
”Those first days on the way in Kugane, it seemed like you were uncomfortable with every other thing I was saying.”Another silence.
There was, probably, some truth to that. Likely more than anyone was willing to admit.
Rudolf allowed himself a frown, the type you made when caught with your hand in the cookie jar.
”But that was about your comment on what Eve might have said to me, not our own lack of conversation. Sure, we spend time together, but...most of it isn’t talking.” He looked back out over the empty waters.
”It’s relaxing, honestly. Kos, we’d say back home.”…
”Huh. I’ve heard it was Kosm.””I am thinking you’ve heard about something quite different!”
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