It all began when I visited the charming village of Sporehaven, which was in the midst of its famous Fungi Festival, its myriad mushroom structures bedecked in a colorful panoply of festive frippery. Naturally, I was pleased as punch to add my musical talents to the proceedings, but first, I wished to sample the sizable spread of local culinary offerings. I was in the midst of my repast, when the discordant sounds of a heated quarrel reached my ears. It quickly became apparent that a small sporeling child was having its basket of festival treats stolen by a burly group of bell cap bullies. Of course, this simply would not do, and especially on such an otherwise jubilant occasion! Thus, I leapt into action with all swiftness to quell the altercation via the notes of a calming melody.
Plucking a gentle chord of my guitar, I began a tune that was as soft and tranquil as the patter of raindrops on a carpet of moss.
“Oh little spores beneath the shade,
No heart was meant for fear to fade.
The forest breathes, the lanterns glow,
And kindness is the seed we sow.
Bell-capped friends with heavy tread,
Why walk where gentle roots should spread?
The soil grows rich when hands unite,
Not when they steal in shadowed spite.
So set aside the grasping hand,
And feel the music through the land.
For every cap and every stem,
Belongs beneath the sun’s bright hem.
Grow gentle now, grow kind today,
Let laughter bloom to guide the way.
And share the feast, both great and small,
For there is room enough for all.”
Before even the first verse could be sung, the bell cap bullies had already frozen in place, their vicious grasping having come to an abrupt halt. Then, slowly but surely, their tense shoulders began to loosen, and their angry expressions began to soften, as the fog of irritation was lifted from their minds. Once my song had concluded, the largest of them looked down at his sporeling victim, suddenly seeming rather embarrassed.“I-I uh… I-I didn’t mean to scare you, kid,” he muttered, scratching the rim of his cap.Another bully shuffled awkwardly and picked up a dumpling that had fallen from the basket.“Here,” he said, brushing it off and handing it back. “Sorry.”The smallest bell cap let out a quiet sigh. “Guess we got carried away.”The sporeling blinked, astonished, then gave a shy nod.
At that, with the tension having melted away like morning dew, I strummed one last cheerful chord and bowed dramatically from atop my toadstool table.
“Well now!” I croaked warmly. “I hope this proves that, while every garden may have its weeds, with a little nurturing care and soothing song, even the prickliest patch can bloom again!”
No sooner had the repentant ruffians departed, then a lovely young elven maiden glided over.“Oh, bless you, good sir,” she said as she knelt down next to the little sporeling, her voice and visage shining as if a ray of sunlight had been given sound and form. “It warms my heart so to see an altercation resolved through peaceful means, rather than with senseless violence. For that, you have my deepest thanks,” she added, giving me a smile of dazzling radiance even as she employed a small enchanted item to heal the sporeling’s bruises, its restorative beam glowing the same golden hue as her silken tresses and gown. “After all, there has been trouble enough of late without petty squabbles contributing even more suffering…” This last was said in a softer, more melancholic tone, one whose incongruity with her previously exhibited demeanor engendering no small amount of concern.
“I am only too happy to have been of assistance, my good lady,” I replied with a bow. “But you are most welcome nonetheless. I must ask, though, you mentioned some form of trouble plaguing these lands?”“Yes,” the maiden confirmed with a weary sigh. “It is a monster most foul. A ravenous beast that has set its greedy gaze upon the rich bounty of crops and minerals to be found in Sporehaven and its environs. The village itself is shielded by powerful wards, but it tests those barriers every night, and the surrounding steadings are entirely without any such protection. Indeed,” she continued. “Just two eves ago, it raided a dwarf mine, taking several dozen gemites captive.”As a small aside for those who may not be aware, gemites are a race of sentient gemstone creatures. They exist in a symbiotic relationship with many races dwelling within the Wandering Woods by serving as living currency and have an especially close bond with the dwarfs, who free them from their rocky prisons. Thus, the forcible seizure of gemites is seen as a particularly grievous offense.
“Mmm, most troubling indeed,” I agreed. “Have no heroes risen up to slay the vile creature?”“Most of the inhabitants of this region are peaceful and welcoming,” the elven beauty explained. “A blessing for travelers such as myself, yet problematic when confronted by hostile forces. My own gifts are of a restorative nature, and thus ill-suited for combat,” she added. “Although, I do know of one valiant soul who is attempting to track down and capture the beast, I regret to say that they are sadly no match for it on their own.”“Ah, it sounds as if they might perhaps welcome the assistance of one whose music has been known to sooth many a savage beast,” I noted with a knowing smile. “Would you truly be willing to lend your aid, good sir?” the maiden asked, her lovely voice filled with hopeful expectation.“But of course!” I confirmed with a jovial smile, removing my hat with an embellished sweep and performing a dramatic bow. “Balthazar Hopperdink, celebrated bard and amphibian extraordinaire, is wholly at your service!”“You have my most sincere gratitude, Master Hopperdink,” the maiden replied with a graceful curtsy. “I am Eleanora Evenstar, and it is my great pleasure to have made your acquaintance this day,” she added with a bright smile, while tears of joy glistened in her soft eyes.
“The pleasure is all mine, I assure you,” I replied. “But, it would seem to me that you have a significantly greater link to this monster than merely that of a concerned resident of this village.”“You are most insightful, indeed, Master Hopperdink,” Eleanora replied. “Yes, as I mentioned previously, I am traveler, merely visiting this village, and indeed this world. When I arrived here through the portal at the heart of this whimsical wood, the monster arrived with me. Thus, it brings me great sorrow to say that I am responsible for the havoc it has caused, and as such, I have vowed to remain here until its rampage has been brought to a most conclusive end.”“Ah, in that case, it is clear to see why this situation troubles you to such a considerable degree,” I told her with an understanding nod. “If I may be so bold, Miss Evenstar, may I ask precisely what manner of events might have brought you and our monstrous mischief-maker into this world?”
At this, Eleanora’s gaze grew distant, as if she were viewing far off events only she could behold……
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With a look of grim determination, the goblin girl stalked across the opulent captain’s cabin towards the visibly frightened Grand Burgher. She was less than a meter from her quarry, when, suddenly, the portly merchant whipped an object out from under the desk he was cowering behind and pointed it at his diminutive foe. It was an odd weapon, if weapon it truly was, a metal tube set upon a wooden stock, with a curving, wooden handle. There was also some form of mechanism near the back of the tube, and the entire piece was decorated with the elaborate gold scrollwork expected of anything owned by such an extravagantly ostentatious individual.
“Not one step closer!” the still clearly rattled merchant shouted, and although the goblin girl wasn’t particularly intimidated by this apparent show of force, she halted her advance.
The Grand Burgher went on to boast of his weapon’s power, telling of how it was the master work of some supremely skilled dwarven artificer hailing from lands far across the sea, but the goblin girl wasn’t really paying much attention. Instead, she was focused on discerning the so-called weapon’s means of operation and formulating a suitable counter to it. As it was, neither of these tasks proved exceptionally difficult. The device clearly fired some form of mundane or magical projectile. Thus, all she would need to do was employ her superior reflexes to either dodge it, or deflect it with her blade. That was, if it got anywhere near her in the first place.
“Ya really dink ya can hit meh wiv whatever dat fing iz?” she taunted with a toothy grin.
“Yer ‘and’z shakin’ like a shittin’ mutt!”“T-Thou hast dared to mock me for the last time, insolent wretch!” the Grand Burgher roared with indignation fury.
“Now die!”The next instant, there was a loud report, which rivaled the thunderclaps of the tempest raging outside, heralding the discharge of a gout of flame. At its tip was a gleaming spheroid that would have been little more than a blur to a human’s eyes, but could be more easily tracked by a goblin’s. Even so, it moved with such speed that the diminutive greenskin only had time to adjust her already raised sword so as to deflect the projectile, rather than avoid it outright. Skidding across the edge of the blade, it ricocheted into a nearby shelf lined with various gilded cases and other valuable looking bric-a-brac. Striking one of the smaller chests, the metallic missile burst its lid off, sending its contents spilling onto the floor planks.
In addition to the expected assortment of shiny baubles was a glass orb that shone with prismatic radiance. Rolling to a stop between the two combatants, it pulsed once, before a swirling maelstrom of mystic energy enveloped the chamber. There was another flash of rainbow-hued brilliance, and when it faded, neither merchant nor goblin were anywhere to be found…
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“I had been cursed,” Eleanora finally revealed after several seconds of silence. “I sought the assistance of someone who had in their possession the means to remove said affliction,” she continued. “They refused, leading to a most regrettable altercation in which some form of mystic item was inadvertently activated. The next thing I knew, I was in this world. And so was the monster.”“That is certainly quite the tale,” I noted. “Let us endeavor to give it a happy ending, hmm?” I added with a conspiratorial wink.“Yes,” Eleanora agreed with a demure nod. “And with your kind assistance, I believe such an outcome is indeed possible. The beast only appears at night,” the maiden explained. “If you wait by the village gate shortly after sunset, I shall have my… associate meet you there. She is vastly more skilled at combat and wilderness tracking than I, and should serve as a most suitable guardian and guide.”“I look forward to meeting her,” I replied.
With that, we bid our farewells. When evening came, I arrived at the village gate as instructed, and, as promised, mere moments after the last glimmer of sunlight had faded from the western horizon, I heard a rough-sounding voice call out a greeting.“Oi! Yer dat Hopperdink guy, right?”The owner of the voice promptly revealed itself as a small goblin girl, dressed for swift movement through the wild woodland. While her manner of speech might have been crude, and her appearance rather unkempt, her toothy grin and causal bearing told me that this was the ally I had been awaiting.
“Indeed,” I confirmed, before performing my customary dramatic bow. “Balthazar Hopperdink at your service!”“Yeah, yer a bard all right…” the goblin said with a wry chuckle. “Ah’m, Elzy,” she added, holding out a taloned hand. “Eleanora told meh all about ya. Dankz again fer agreein’ ta ‘elp wiv diz ‘ole monster problem.”“It is my pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Elzy,” I replied, accepting the offered hand. “And as I told Miss Eleanora, I’m only too happy to provide whatever assistance I can. To more ably facilitate this, I feel it prudent to inquire, do you happen to know precisely what manner of beast we shall be pitting ourselves against this fair evening?”“A pig,” Elzy stated flatly. “A really zoggin’ big un,” she added. “An’ really zoggin’ ugly, too.”I blinked.
“A… pig?” I repeated.“Yep,” Elzy confirmed with a tired sigh. “Da worst zoggin’ pig ya ever saw.”“Well then!” I said brightly, quickly recovering from initial shock generated by that somewhat unexpected revelation. “This may be the first time I have embarked upon a heroic quest to pacify an overgrown farm animal, so I shall be sure to cherish the novelty of every moment!”
Elzy gave an amused snort in response. “Trust meh, bard. Diz ain’t no farm pig.”“Yes, Miss Eleanora mentioned that it came from her native world,” I noted. “I gather that it was somehow altered into its current form during its passage here?”“Yeah, an’ da fact ‘e wuz wearin’ a magic shapeshiftin’ trinket didn’t do ‘im any favorz edder,” the goblin girl added.“A shapeshifting trinket?” I echoed. “So this creature wasn’t actually a pig to begin with?”“Nope, ‘e wuz still a pig,” Elzy clarified as she prepared to set out. “Juz not da oinkin’ kind…” Not wishing to waste any more precious time, we departed Sporehaven under the rising glow of the moons, Elzy leading the way with uncanny ease. She moved like a shadow through the woods, pausing often to examine the earth.“Trackz,” she muttered. “See ‘em?”I squinted at the spot her clawed finger indicated. The prints were enormous. Each one was the size of a wagon wheel and crushed deep into the soil. “Well,” I said with a gulp. “That… is indeed considerably larger than most pigs I have met.”
We soon entered a small clearing and Elzy pointed to a shattered fence nearby. “Dat used ta be Farmer Mossroot’z cabbage patch.”A bit farther on, we passed a ruined orchard where trees had been uprooted like weeds. Then came the dwarven mine. The entrance was smashed inward, stone blocks scattered across the hillside. In the torchlight, we could see claw marks gouged into the rock itself.
Elzy crouched near the ground. “Pig came drough ‘ere two nightz ago,” she noted with a frown. “Took a bunch o’ gemitez wiv it.”“Yes, Miss Eleanora told me as much,” I replied. “The poor things…They must be terribly frightened.”
As if on cue, the sound of loud oinking suddenly echoed through the woods, while faint glimmers of greenish light sparkled in the darkness.“Da pig’z juz up a’ead!” Elzy declared, swiftly rising to her feat. “C’mon!” she called over her shoulder as she broke into a sprint. “Let’z git ‘im ‘fore ‘e runz off!”“R-Right behind you, Miss Elzy!” I stammered back as I leapt after her, stealing myself for the sight of our monstrous quarry.
We climbed a rocky ridge overlooking a wide clearing, and there it was. The creature was indeed colossal, easily larger than a cottage, with bristles like iron spikes and tusks curved like scimitars. Around its neck hung a glowing amulet, pulsing with a sickly green light that seemed to suffuse the monstrosity’s girthy form, a network of vein-like tendrils of energy that crisscrossed its flabby skin causing its hide to shimmer with the baleful radiance we had first seen through the darkness. The creature was rooting through a mound of stolen goods: crates of grain, barrels of mushrooms, sacks of ore, and dozens of frightened gemites.“Told ya it wuz zoggin’ big,” Elzy whispered.
“Yes,” I replied quietly. “And very… enchanted. In fact, I believe I see the trinket you spoke of. It appears to be infusing the creature with mystic power.”“Yeah,” Elzy nodded. “Dat’z what’z makin’ ‘im so big an’ scary. If we get it offa ‘im, e’ll be a total pushover,” she explained. “Ding is, e’z lotz faster den e lookz, an’ e’s strong enough ta break outta all mah trapz.”“Mmm… Quite the challenge indeed…” I agreed, placing a finger to my chin in thought. “Ya dink ya can distract ‘im wiv one ‘o dem songz ‘o yerz, so’z ah can cut da trinket off?” Elzy asked.
“I can certainly try,” I replied. “But before I can treat it to a performance it shall never forget, I shall need a distraction so that I’m not devoured in one gulp before my mollifying music can take effect!”“Right den,” Elzy declared as she cracked her knuckles. “Lookz like dat part’z up ta meh!”Before I could ask exactly what form of distraction she had in mind, the goblin girl leapt down the slope and shouted, “Oi! Ugly! Remember meh?!”The pig lifted its massive head, and gave voice to a squeal of fury, even as Elzy sprinted across the clearing, weaving between rocks and twisting roots. “Over ‘ere, bacon breff!” she taunted. “Or are ya blind along wiv bein’ dumb an’ ugly?!”The creature charged after her, tearing great trenches in the earth with every thunderous step.“NOW WOULD BE A GREAT TIME FER DA MUSIC!!!” Elzy shouted as she barely managed to dodge a slam of the creature’s massive, clawed fist.
“Quite right!” I croaked. Hopping upon the flat top of a boulder perched on the very edge of the overlook, I began to play a melody that drifted across the clearing like a cool and refreshing mist.
“Oh wandering heart that gnaws and feeds,
What hunger drives your restless deeds?
Is gold your friend? Is grain your kin?
Perhaps the chain upon your skin?”
The pig faltered, then shook its head violently.
“Great beast of earth, remember still,
The quiet stream, the forest hill.
The wind that brushed your bristled hide,
Before this charm became your guide.”
The creature slowed, its enraged squeals softening into a series of confused snorts.
“Before your greed grew out of hand,
Before, when you were once a man.
Recall again the simple things,
Those that joy most truly brings.
Recall the joy of friends and kin,
The joy that treasure cannot win.
Goodness, kindness, words of love,
They sparkle like the stars above.”
The monstrosity swayed and wobbled unsteadily, as if my words had shattered the false foundations it once stood upon.
“Embrace the world and all its wonder,
Not as tyrant, but as brother.
When that is the gage by which you measure,
Then you will find the greatest treasure.”
As I sang, Elzy was not idle. She darted towards the stunned monster, before springing upwards, her small but powerful legs carrying her to within striking distance of the chain that held the glowing amulet. “Welp, ‘ere goez nuffin’!” she shouted as she took a mighty swing at the dangling chain, slicing it off in single stroke. The amulet fell, and Elzy scooped it up as she raced away from the now rapidly shrinking behemoth, its greenish glow fading as she did so. “Heh, finally gotcha…” the goblin girl muttered as she took a moment to admire her prize once she’d reached a safe distance.
Meanwhile, the monstrous pig’s once towering form continued to dwindle, the air around it shimmering like a heat haze. Then it collapsed inward in a swirl of magic, leaving a portly human merchant, clad in the tattered remnants of once lavish attire, lying unconscious on the grass.
“Ah, just as I suspected…” I murmured. “Heh, yer pretty perceptive,” Elzy observed with a chuckle.
“I imagine his avarice, coupled with the energies of that amulet and those of the forces that brought him here transmuted him into an embodiment of endless greed,” I postulated, even as the now-freed gemites chimed happily. “Datz kinda wut ah figgered, too,” Elzy agreed. “Gotta admit, ya ‘andled dat fing pretty well fer a bard,” the goblin girl commended with a toothy grin. “Heh, ah kinda had mah doubtz in da beginnin’, but we actually made one ‘ell o’ a team, after all!” “We did indeed,” I concurred with a nod. “And it was my great pleasure to perform alongside you, Miss Elzy. Though I must confess, I am at something of a loss as to how we should proceed from here.” “We can assist with that,” a chorus of voices that sounded like the swirling of wind borne leafs announced.
The next thing we knew, we had found ourselves surrounded by a gathering of venerable feyweavers, ancient feykin, and elder leafwraiths, their misty, nebulous forms looming over us like emerald waterfalls or moss-covered monoliths of enchanted energy.“We have been observing these proceedings for some time, and now that the crisis has been resolved, we shall conduct this misplaced soul to his native world,” the stately feyweavers explained, their noble voices speaking in unison. “We can also do the same for you, little goblin,” a feykin taking the form of a vaguely-humanoid leafy whirlwind offered, its voice soft and soothing.“No dankz,” Elzy replied bluntly, sounding more than a little aggravated by what the mystical being had so casually revealed. “Ah kinda like it ‘ere, so diz iz where ah’ll be stayin’. But ah gotta ask,” she added with an annoyed frown as she crossed her arms under her chest. “If ya knew about all diz shit da ‘ole time, den why da ‘ell didn’t ya do anyfing ta ‘elp wiv it?!”“We are beings of diplomacy and dialogue,” the feyweavers replied. “Decisive, forceful action is not our way.”“And if we were to intervene,” one of the feykin continued. “We would have deprived you of a meaningful conclusion to your quest.”“Watching you was also very fun!” a leafwraith added with an amused giggle.“Fuckin’ fey…” Elzy grumbled.
“Well, then,” I spoke up in an attempt to lead the discussion away from my companion’s obvious annoyance. “We shall leave the denouement of this adventure in your capable hands.” Giving a respectful bow, I led the still visibly disgruntled Elzy back the way we had come. Once we were far enough away, I decided to break the increasingly awkward silence. “So, I gather you’re not particularly fond of the fey,” I noted tentatively.“Dat’z right,” Elzy confirmed. “Dey really fucked meh over back in mah world,” she added, gritting her sharp teeth, while her large ears drooped down to hang limply on either side of her face. “Ruined mah ‘ole zoggin’ life…”“I’m most sorry to hear that,” I told her with a commiserating frown. The pieces of the metaphorical puzzle that the background to this little adventure posed were starting to fall into place, to be sure. Yet, even so, I still wished to respect my companion’s privacy, especially in light of the torment she had so clearly endured. Thus, I resolved not to press any further with my inquires on that subject.“S’okay,” Elzy replied, the hint of a toothy smirk returning. “Now dat ah finally got diz lil’ trinket, fingz are startin’ ta look up,” she added, holding up the amulet. “Pluz, diz world ‘o yerz iz pretty nice. Folkz ‘ere don’t treat ya like crap juz cuz yer a goblin. ‘Least, not in any ‘o da placez ah’ve been.”“Ah, then it appears there is a happy ending to this tale after all,” I mused with a smile. “Sure iz,” Elzy agreed with a nod. By now, we were nearing the gates of Sporehaven, and it was time for us to part ways. “Welp, lookz like diz iz it. Dankz fer all da ‘elp, Balthazar,” the goblin girl said as she held out a hand, her rough voice filled with deep sincerity. “Ah really mean dat.”“Think nothing of it,” I replied, giving her hand a firm shake. “As I’ve said, I am too happy to be of assistance. If you happen to cross paths with her before I do, please give Miss Eleanora my warmest regards.”“Ya can bet ah will,” Elzy assured me with a wink, before slipping away into the night. 
