Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Leaves
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Leaves The Friendly Bulbasaur

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Hello Everyone,

I wanted a few minutes of your time. I have been putting some touches to a roleplay currently under the works right now. I hoped to find some people who could skim it over and give some critique. It is based on something I am currently writing, and I feel that if it doesn't sell well as a roleplay, it probably won't sell well as a novel series. I've looked it over a few times but having a second opinion always helps. If there is any questions or concerns, please address them. Thank you and I greatly appreciate it.

Here is the link.
roleplayerguild.com/topics/166520-tes…
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by BrokenPromise
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BrokenPromise With Rightious Hands

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Not bad. I'm not surprised you already have people trying to join. You know you've done it right when people are already filling out the character sheet. The formatting is nice, and you instantly know it's sci-fi/post-apocalyptic with just a skim. But if you want a critique...

I found the entire DJ section kind of long. It was a good way to get a feel for the RP's atmosphere, but for an interest check, I really want to understand the scenario and my roll in it relatively quickly. I do like this approach, but it took DJ wildfire a while to tell me what amounts to "This is the future, it's ruined, and there are robots and zombies." Fortunately, roleplayers who choose to skip this part will still be able to understand what the RP is about by reading your bullet points.

This might be nitpicking, but I'm not sure everyone who is interested in this type of roleplay is going to have seen one piece. They are more likely to have played borderlands, etc. Will this sink your interest check? probably not. But it might be worth it to just explain what these "crazy towns" are.

I actually thought this was a serious RP until I got to reading further in. You may (emphasis: may) want to consider putting up a few images that point to the more satire side of your RP. Your chosen aesthetics is amazing, it just all points to a very serious post apocalypse.



I don't really see any major problems. I think you'll get enough people to start in no time, especially with the interest you already have.

Hidden 7 yrs ago 7 yrs ago Post by Juicy
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Juicy Muh-mmuh-muh Pokaymans

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Ohhh, alright.

I'm gonna appreciate style in a roleplay when I see it. There's an eccentricity to something named Chicken Leg from the get-go that I love. And everything about Chicken Leg is simple and accessible. Honestly, could I describe it as generic? there's inevitable negative connotation with that, but I wouldn't say Chicken Leg being generic disservices it in any way as a roleplay. The setting is openly science fiction-y, nuclear fallout-y; the premise is go from Point A to Point B; the selling point is fighting robots and zombies with the weirdest shit imaginable. It totally works, and it seems like it'll be a lot of fun.

If you plan to adapt what you've presented here into, like, solo work, I'd say you'd have to be a tad more ambitious in regards to the idea itself. In reference to what you said above, what sells flawlessly for a roleplay I don't think would sell well for a novel, just based on how open this really is; I can become immediately invested in Chicken Leg because of the vague aspects and aesthetics it borrows from various genres. The pictures you used are a great example, as they set an immediate expectation, that of the last gruff, urban, sci-fi landscape I experienced that I can play off of for an impromptu roleplay post. The robots and zombies that serve as the main antagonistic force as well aren't applied an identity of their own, so I'm pulling from my memory and various tropes to fill that gap. For Chicken Leg to shine as an original idea, you would need to feed me those images rather than rely on what I already know.

To sort of summarize: CL's more of a prompt than the skeleton for a proper story; this works flawlessly for a roleplay, not necessarily for a novel. If you engaged in more development of the idea, isolating "solo" CL from "RP" CL, this concern would be eliminated, I believe. And if you wanted, you could apply some of that development to the roleplay too, if you wanted to elevate it a little. Though, as it stands, I can certainly appreciate it.

Going back to your concept as just a roleplay: I am of the opinion that the premise could be communicated much more concisely through DJ Wildfire alone. I think embracing his role as Mr. Exposition would be for the best rather than introduce other characters to support his role; coalesce everything you want players to know about the background, thread it through Cauliflower. ...Wildfire. DJ Wildfire. Gotta say the whole thing.

Doing that too, I think, will reduce clunkiness in the dialogue (if I may be so bold). For example: referencing 'Thirteen Reasons Why'... in 2056? Would it age that well?

And a last real qualm of mine is with the sign-up sheet, because that fucker is long, dude, and unnecessarily so. With an app already having been posted, this might be easy to dismiss, but I want to assert all the same that the roleplay overall is far too fluid to expect this extensive of character bios. A "Backstory" section may seem innocuous, but in order to fill it, there has to be context; the only context: bad shit went down. The first character evinces this, but the sign-up in its current form is inviting characters with a grunge-y solemnity to them, at least regarding their brOOdiNG paaSTs. This RP is too tongue-in-cheek for an excess of those, at least how I've come to see it!

The sign-up should be as accessible and lighthearted as the roleplay itself I think, to invite the quirkiest cast of protagonists imaginable, the less defined conventionally, the better; drop terminology like "Species" and "Combatics" that invite players to deconstruct their characters logically and make things more general. As I see it, this roleplay as it stands would benefit the most by treating its characters like those of a cartoon show, where aspects can be digested without having to be justified, since this roleplay, like a cartoon, is so airy as to allow endless possibilities to exist canonically. I would also definitely drop the entire "Story Behind the Man" section with what you have now so players have their minds rooted in the present. Elements of the past could be developed through the story itself.

But otherwise, this is simple and stylish. I like it! Hope my critique actually reads with some decency, it's really just a string of commentary I tried to flesh out as best I could.
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Leaves
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Leaves The Friendly Bulbasaur

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Not bad. I'm not surprised you already have people trying to join. You know you've done it right when people are already filling out the character sheet. The formatting is nice, and you instantly know it's sci-fi/post-apocalyptic with just a skim. But if you want a critique...

I found the entire DJ section kind of long. It was a good way to get a feel for the RP's atmosphere, but for an interest check, I really want to understand the scenario and my roll in it relatively quickly. I do like this approach, but it took DJ wildfire a while to tell me what amounts to "This is the future, it's ruined, and there are robots and zombies." Fortunately, roleplayers who choose to skip this part will still be able to understand what the RP is about by reading your bullet points.

This might be nitpicking, but I'm not sure everyone who is interested in this type of roleplay is going to have seen one piece. They are more likely to have played borderlands, etc. Will this sink your interest check? probably not. But it might be worth it to just explain what these "crazy towns" are.

I actually thought this was a serious RP until I got to reading further in. You may (emphasis: may) want to consider putting up a few images that point to the more satire side of your RP. Your chosen aesthetics is amazing, it just all points to a very serious post apocalypse.



I don't really see any major problems. I think you'll get enough people to start in no time, especially with the interest you already have.


Thank you for time to review my roleplay! I guess I could try to condense the introduction. I think I wanted it to be longer which only proved to be a flaw. The inclusion of One Piece is understandable. I'd probably have better luck mentioning Fallout or maybe even Borderlands, as you suggested.

I actually tried to purposely make it look like it was a serious role play until there is a hit of comedic relief. I was hoping to catch the readers off guard. I can see how funny images could be beneficial. I just relied on role players not indulging into the role play if they thought it was silly. Then again, the role-play is called "Chicken Leg."

I really appreciate the critique. I will make note of it and try to see where I can make some appropiate edits.

Ohhh, alright.

I'm gonna appreciate style in a roleplay when I see it. There's an eccentricity to something named Chicken Leg from the get-go that I love. And everything about Chicken Leg is simple and accessible. Honestly, could I describe it as generic? there's inevitable negative connotation with that, but I wouldn't say Chicken Leg being generic disservices it in any way as a roleplay. The setting is openly science fiction-y, nuclear fallout-y; the premise is go from Point A to Point B; the selling point is fighting robots and zombies with the weirdest shit imaginable. It totally works, and it seems like it'll be a lot of fun.

If you plan to adapt what you've presented here into, like, solo work, I'd say you'd have to be a tad more ambitious in regards to the idea itself. In reference to what you said above, what sells flawlessly for a roleplay I don't think would sell well for a novel, just based on how open this really is; I can become immediately invested in Chicken Leg because of the vague aspects and aesthetics it borrows from various genres. The pictures you used are a great example, as they set an immediate expectation, that of the last gruff, urban, sci-fi landscape I experienced that I can play off of for an impromptu roleplay post. The robots and zombies that serve as the main antagonistic force as well aren't applied an identity of their own, so I'm pulling from my memory and various tropes to fill that gap. For Chicken Leg to shine as an original idea, you would need to feed me those images rather than rely on what I already know.

To sort of summarize: CL's more of a prompt than the skeleton for a proper story; this works flawlessly for a roleplay, not necessarily for a novel. If you engaged in more development of the idea, isolating "solo" CL from "RP" CL, this concern would be eliminated, I believe. And if you wanted, you could apply some of that development to the roleplay too, if you wanted to elevate it a little. Though, as it stands, I can certainly appreciate it.

Going back to your concept as just a roleplay: I am of the opinion that the premise could be communicated much more concisely through DJ Wildfire alone. I think embracing his role as Mr. Exposition would be for the best rather than introduce other characters to support his role; coalesce everything you want players to know about the background, thread it through Cauliflower. ...Wildfire. DJ Wildfire. Gotta say the whole thing.

Doing that too, I think, will reduce clunkiness in the dialogue (if I may be so bold). For example: referencing 'Thirteen Reasons Why'... in 2056? Would it age that well?

And a last real qualm of mine is with the sign-up sheet, because that fucker is long, dude, and unnecessarily so. With an app already having been posted, this might be easy to dismiss, but I want to assert all the same that the roleplay overall is far too fluid to expect this extensive of character bios. A "Backstory" section may seem innocuous, but in order to fill it, there has to be context; the only context: bad shit went down. The first character evinces this, but the sign-up in its current form is inviting characters with a grunge-y solemnity to them, at least regarding their brOOdiNG paaSTs. This RP is too tongue-in-cheek for an excess of those, at least how I've come to see it!

The sign-up should be as accessible and lighthearted as the roleplay itself I think, to invite the quirkiest cast of protagonists imaginable, the less defined conventionally, the better; drop terminology like "Species" and "Combatics" that invite players to deconstruct their characters logically and make things more general. As I see it, this roleplay as it stands would benefit the most by treating its characters like those of a cartoon show, where aspects can be digested without having to be justified, since this roleplay, like a cartoon, is so airy as to allow endless possibilities to exist canonically. I would also definitely drop the entire "Story Behind the Man" section with what you have now so players have their minds rooted in the present. Elements of the past could be developed through the story itself.

But otherwise, this is simple and stylish. I like it! Hope my critique actually reads with some decency, it's really just a string of commentary I tried to flesh out as best I could.


Wow! I appreciate the time to write all of this. Thank you, I read everything in its fullest and even read it again a second time so I can properly understand your perspective.

I do enjoy the compliments in the introduction and the advice about isolating Chicken Leg as "solo." What I've done in the novel is create a more elaborate story instead of the Point A and Point B objectives. It's coming out...okay? I am my worst critic...

Yeah, BrokenPromise mentioned the same thing about DJ Wildfire. I will have to go through it a second time and attempt to clear the clutter. It's funny because I realized the reference to 13 Reasons Why was out of nowhere. I thought the DJ could explain himself by saying "What? I think it holds up pretty well." But I left it alone.

I will take your critique on the character sheet. I just wanted to make sure role players do demonstrate some effort. I don't want the silliness of the role play to discourage effort and time into posting.

Overall, your comments were really supportive. You have my gratitude.
1x Thank Thank
Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by BrokenPromise
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BrokenPromise With Rightious Hands

Member Seen 35 min ago

Mmmm, I actually liked the DJ. It's not so much that it's long, just that all of the information I want to know comes out really slowly and towards the end. Juicy made a good point about limiting the number of characters. Maybe the solution is as simple as letting DJ wildfire pitch the RP?

But it's hard to make adjustments based on just what one or two people say. if more people give it a look over, I'd look at what they are all saying and see where the criticism overlaps.

Hidden 7 yrs ago Post by Briza
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Briza

Member Seen 3 yrs ago

+1 for Satire!

I like the idea. It seems fun and a bit different than the usual zombie-apocalypse story. Not much has been given, aside from DJ Wildfire's introduction, which is pretty interesting. The length of the introduction is not too fast-paced, if that is what you wanted, but it is still interesting (as already stated) and gives a more realistic talk show host/DJ scenario, which is, of course, good or bad or neutral depending on your target audience.

If you can write a novel/series with the idea, go for it.
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