Captain Uni

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

I guess that we all have our dirty little secrets...
_{like how i have my own that i don't want revealed because y'all would roast my ass alive if you learned what it was}

@Star Lord

... Is your secret that you actually, seriously like the Schumacher Batman movies?

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

<Snipped quote by Simple Unicycle>

Greatest superhero film ever.

@Lord Wraith

BREAKING NEWS: Lord Wraith kicked from the RP.

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

<Snipped quote by Inkarnate>

Don't worry, I'll keep your love for the Catwoman movie to myself.

Your secret is safe with me.

@Lord Wraith

It's okay, Wraith, you don't need to keep saying other people like shitty superhero flicks to bury your own guilt; we all know you love Batman and Robin, and we accept you for who you are.
_{*holds back an engraged Master Bruce*}

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

Well, since I relieved my fourth wall breaking desires in my last post, with this one it's back to our regularly scheduled program.

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

9:13 PM; July 9th, 2018
Lawrence 'Squid' Loman's House; New York City

The reason they called him Squid was a funny story.

It was his first time dumping a body into the sea. Everything went as planned, they drove the body out there in a duffel bag filled with bricks, and tossed it into the water... And just as they did so, a squid popped out, and got hit in the head by the bag. It was a strange, surreal once in a lifetime event. God only knew why that squid was so close to the docks, why it came out of the water, and why it decided to wait until a bag was about to hit him in the face to pop out. The guys started calling him 'Squidkiller', which eventually just got shortened to Squid, and the name stuck. Everyone called him by the name now, even the ones who had never heard the story.

"Ey Squid?" Squid was pulled out of his recollections by the voice of Eddie, one of Silvermane's grunts. For some reason the old man was putting a lot of guards with the important members of his outfit. Squid had to feel a bit flattered that he was considered by the big boss to be important. It had something to do with that psycho cop that's going around and cutting them all down. Bah, that guy didn't know what was coming to him. Whether it was the cops, them, or that Spiderchick, he'd be put down soon enough.

"Yeah? What is it?"

"The cameras is down. Don't know what happened to 'em."

Furrowing his brow, Squid got up, following Eddie to the camera room. All the monitors showed static and red letters reading "NO CONNECTION". "What the fuck? What happened to 'em?"

"I already says, I dunno what happened to 'em, but it ain't good. I'm thinkin' someone cut the power to 'em or somethin'."

"Well then go and fix 'em!"

"Right, boss." With those words, Eddie went outside to reconnect the power to the cameras. Squid sat nervously in the room, staring at the monitors. If the cameras were down, that meant something screwy was going on. Maybe that Punisher guy was a serious threat after all. Bah, he's being too paranoid. Something probably happened with the fuses or something.

Everything would be alright.

One of the cameras came back on, the one nearest the power box. And all that Squid saw was the corpse of Eddie, a large red smile along his throat. "W-what the fuck?!"

The camera went out again. Then, the lights.

Muffled gunshots rang outside, punctuated by the screams of his men as they died. The gunfire lasted for a minute or two, before all was silent. Slowly, Squid reached for his gun...

"You can run on, for a long time... Run on for a long time... Run on for a long time..."

Singing... "The fuck?"

"Sooner or later God'll cut you down... Sooner or later God'll... Cut you down..."

Where the hell was it coming from? "Cut that out, you crazy bastard!"

"Go tell that long tongued liar... Go and tell that midnight rider... Tell the rambler, the gambler, the backbiter..."

Squid fired his gun off, shouting, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"Tell them that God's gonna cut them down... Tell them that God's gonna cut them down."

"WHERE ARE YOU!?"

"Behind you."

Squid's last words were a series of gurgled screams.

---

ISSUE #7
PART ONE
FROM THE SHADOWS

---

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

Honestly, the only reason I did that Big-Lipped Alligator Moment of a dream sequence was because I've been replaying the first Max Payne game way too fucking much and wanted to reference the almost identical dream sequence in it. Probably won't ever happen again in any of my future posts. Probably being the key word.

E: ... This is in response to the whole 'fourth wall' thing in case it wasn't obvious.

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR RELIGIONS AND BELIEFS AND UNDERSTANDING OF HOW THE WORLD WORKS......

BA-DUM-TSHHHH! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT! TRY THE VEAL!

@AndyC

... Well I walked right into that one I suppose.

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, "TIME" IS A CONSTRUCT ONLY EXPERIENCED BY THE WRIGGLING MEAT-THINGS IN THIS SQUALID MESS OF BOTCHED PHYSICS IN ORDER TO MONITOR THEIR ONGOING DECAY. SO REALLY, TO ANY BEING OUT THERE THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS, YOUR POST HAPPENED BEFORE, AFTER, AND DURING MINE. TO THEM, IT HAPPENS ACROSS EVERY POINT ACROSS THE SPAN OF INFINITY AND ALSO NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL! THEY WON'T READ IT, HAVE ALREADY READ IT, ARE READING IT RIGHT NOW, AND WILL ALWAYS BE READING IT!

UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, THEY'RE REAL STICKLERS ABOUT GRAMMAR!

@AndyC

To quote my own post,

It was a bad line and a prank call, someone spouting insane babble, I couldn't make sense of it.

@Simple Unicycle

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

Oh, great, I decided to do a fourth wall breaking post and posted it immediately after another, superior fourth wall breaking post.

Well, time to go burn my post and start from scratch.

CLOSED - Ultimate One Universe: Season One

Time Is An Illusion
The Inner Workings of A Twisted Mind

---

The phone on my desk was ringing, singing a siren's song that commanded I answer it. I obliged. "Hello?"

"A FOUR-EYED FAT MAN SINGS A SONG OF ZEROES AND ONES IN HIS ASSISTANCE, LORD OF METAL WILL JOIN THE BATTLE AND BABIES WILL SHED TEARS FOR MY HEALTH, EIGHT-LEGGED WOMAN TRYING TO ENTANGLE ME IN A WEB OF LAWS AND RESTRAINTS THAT REPRESENTED A WORLD OF STOOPED NECROMANCERS AND-"

I hung up the phone. It was a bad line and a prank call, someone spouting insane babble, I couldn't make sense of it. But the caller's voice sounded familiar and strange at the same time.

The letter on my desk was dangerous, the hand writing all pretty curves. I read it.

"You're in a comic book, Frank."

Suddenly it all came back to me. Thought bubbles and words hanging over scenes of intense action, me gunning down man after man on my twisted journey. I sought revenge for the death of my wife and two children at the hands of criminals, using my skills acquired during my time as a marine serving in the Vietnam War to aid me. I was also assisted by a guns supplier and veteran hacker named Microchip. Occasionally I'd clash with or even partner with some teen in red and blue spandex calling himself 'Spider-Man.'



But that's not right. It wasn't me, it was someone else, another Frank Castle from another world maybe. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

All I knew was that I was in a comic book. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of.

The phone rang again. I answered it.

"Wake up, Castle! You're not going to kill another cop!"

I hung up the phone. It was a bad line and a prank call, someone spouting insane babble, I couldn't make sense of it. But the caller's voice sounded familiar and strange at the same time, and I felt an overwhelming sense that I had done this before...

The letter on my desk looked different and the same. I read it over a second time.

"You're in a play-by-post roleplaying game, Frank."

Suddenly it all came back to me. A character sheet detailing my life up to this point, my skills, how I was different from my mainstream comic book counterpart, and an example of what kind of stories I would provide. Post after post of stories, all with fancy headers with my face and name plastered on the top. Fancy colors denoting which person is speaking and a sudden shift from the third person to the first person in between stories in order to sound more 'noir'.

But that's not right. I was real, I knew I was, at least I think I was. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

All I knew was that I was in a play-by-post roleplaying game. Funny as hell, it was the most horrible thing I could think of, but I had said that before so take that with a grain of salt.

The phone rang once more. I answered it.

"Snap out of it, Frank! You're having another Max Payne dream!"

I hung up the phone. It was a bad line and a prank call, someone spouting insane babble, I couldn't make sense of it. But the caller's voice sounded familiar and strange at the same time, and I felt an overwhelming sense that I was going to get hit with a copyright strike if I didn't stop...

Light engulfs me.

---

ISSUE #6
THE ADVENTURES OF PSYCHO VIGILANTE
AND HIS PAL NERD COP

---

10:47 PM; July 8th, 2018
David Lieberman's House; New York City

Dave was practically squealing like a fangirl when I threw off my trenchcoat to reveal the kevlar vest. "Haha, holy shit! You did the skull thing after all!"

I rolled my eyes, fighting back a laugh. "Hey, if Spider-Woman can go around wearing a costume, so can I." I slid the vest off to avoid burning up too much. Even at this time of night it was in the high 80s; try walking around in a kevlar vest and a trench coat at those temperatures. At least I knew what Hell was gonna be like when I got there: not unlike wearing winter clothes in Arizona.

He paused, then asked, "How'd you get away from her anyway? She's faster than you, stronger than you, and she can shoot webs out of her wrists."

"Lucky break I guess. Took one hell of a beating though. But it all worked out for the best."

"If you being hunted for gunning down dozens of mobsters in addition killing two cops and destroying a building is things 'working out for the best', then I don't even want to see what things going bad is like."

That gave me pause. I'd killed two cops. It was a hard pill to swallow. Two of my friends. Two sons or brothers or fathers whose families would never see them again. Two innocents, dead by my hand. Spider-Woman was right. Innocent people had died that night because of my actions. That was why I needed to start planning instead of rushing in like nothing mattered. I didn't care if I died, but if another innocent got caught in the crossfire... I didn't know what I would do.

After a moment of silence, I cut to the chase: "... I'm gonna need your help, Dave. I need you to dig up the homes of Manfredi's top guys, get me layouts and the like. I'm not gonna go all John Woo anymore, or at least I'm going to try not to. Too many innocent people have died already."

Dave nods, looking oddly pleased. "Good thinking, man. I was hoping you'd realize that wasn't for the best." He takes a sit in front of his computer, typing away at the keyboard and clicking around. After a couple of minutes with the occasional muttered curse word from Dave, he's done.

"I'll send the house plans to your phone, as well as the addresses and the names of the guys living there. Good luck, Frank."

I pull out my phone, seeing a notification pop up; a text from Dave, with several folders attached, the folder names being the name of the owner, their rank in Manfredi's operation, and the address. I pocketed my phone, nodding, "Thanks. I'm gonna need it." What a team we made. One's a psychopathic vigilante with nothing to lose, the other's a nerdy cyber crimes cop with die hard loyalty. They shoot bad guys! Someone should get me into contact with Fox, because boy howdy do I have a show pitch for them.

I grabbed my duster and threw it on to cover up the vest, before stalking off into the night. I'd strike tomorrow. For now, I was going to plan out my attack. My first target: Lawrence 'Squid' Loman, a mid-ranking member of Manfredi's operation. Not too low that his death wouldn't make any splashes, but not too high that it would make Manfredi extra paranoid. No, that would come later.

I released a sigh of frustration as I began to walk back to my safehouse. God, I wish I hadn't started my crusade in July.