Ellri

[Approved] Darth Nyiss

[Approved] Tishombra Ferro, Sith Apprentice

Personnel Files:
What is “Sith-Human”?
Do you mean Sith Pureblood? Imperial Human?
Given the Sith ancestry percentage listed, her species would most likely be the former.

While not “wrong” per se, it is unusual for an apprentice of her age to have delved into three spheres of influence enough to be considered “associated” with them. Most Sith tend to only start branching out considerably later in life, when they have more influence and experience.

Appearance
It generally takes a lot of Force Lightning to leave visible marks on the body. Or a lot of electricity for that matter. As burns go, electric burns are the least visible kind. Perhaps replace the source with something more technological? Something like an energy beam, a plasma torch or somesuch?

She should probably have at least latent hallmarks of her Sith ancestry, well beyond the sharply defined cheekbones. Some options could be: Cheek tendrils, bone spurs, “sithy” collarbones, etc.

Force
Would it be a problem to write a bit of a descriptive bit on her use of the Force in addition to the nice list?

What sort of style does she favor? Is there anything she avoids doing?

You misspelled “crucitorn”.

Non-Force
Descriptive text would be nice here too, so that a better impression of what the character is like comes across.

Combat & Lightsaber
Presuming she uses standard-hilt saber? It isn’t specified. Like the previous two sections, a bit of a description would be very nice.

It seems quite unusual to innate talent for such a wide range of lightsaber forms. We’d recommend shaking it up a bit and adjusting some of those talents over to just training. Probably for the less well-trained forms primarily, but we’d also recommend talking out the lightsaber stuff with Echo.

Influence
Being an apprentice of Embrus, she will have some influence due to his being a Darth, but you could perhaps specify that virtually all her influence comes through him.

Perhaps invent a couple of (really) minor folks that she has influence with, probably from her primary or secondary sphere. Even a regular ol’ army sergeant, corporal or such can be an asset, even if he or she cannot exactly change imperial policy or anything like that. For that matter, a friendship with a good cook can come in handy as influence. Don’t think solely about influence with major figures.
Plus, such characters might give other players something to work with (or against).

Rivals
Is any of these four more important as rivalries go?
Verification: the lost limbs is the rivals losing said limbs, right?

Underlings/Associates
See the influence point, that overlaps with this one.

Ownerships
Which academy, the less-used one on Dromund Kaas, the one on Korriban or some other? The resettlement of Korriban is still in a fairly early stage, so there isn’t much in the way of civilians living there. Especially not next to the Academy.

She owns nothing except those three things? Really? Is her master that stingy with her? From the ownerships, it feels more like she’s a neophyte or acolyte than a full-fledged Sith.

Psychology
Not much to say on this section. A bit short, but concise. Perhaps build up a bit to show how her flaws affect her personality?

Flaws
How is she observant in spite of her partial extreme focus? If it is counteracted like that, why is it even a flaw listed?
What is she possessive of? Her few belongings? Clothes? The non-existent associates/underlings? Knowledge?

What makes her arrogant? Her ancestry? Her skill with the lightsaber? Her skill the Force? Other skills?

Is she arrogant in the face of all, or just in the face of some? If the latter, who?
What is she stubborn about?

Interests
Is she disinterested in improving her skills with the lightsaber? With the Force? Does she seek anything in her life beyond slicing and enjoying herself with song and dance?

Achievements
Highest marks at what? None of her listed skillsets immediately stand out as truly exceptional.

Failures
Some minor grammar stuff in the first failure (missing comma).

Interview
Being two years old upon enrollment at the academy is extraordinarily young, younger than both Darth Theya and Darth Nyiss were at the start of their training.
It is especially strange when combined with the fact that she passed from Neophyte to Acolyte early. While early discovery allows for some things to be taught early, there are many things that cannot be taught until the mind and body have reached a certain point of development.

We would suggest adding in some idea of how old she was at reaching each of the various key points in her training. Especially whenever she earned a new title.

Generally speaking, Sith don’t get the title of Apprentice until they either are claimed by a master, or (more rarely) amass the power to seize it for themselves. Sith seeking apprentices often come by the academy, or send underlings to look for prospective apprentices meeting certain criteria.

It takes a lot for a Darth to betray the Empire. Way more than you’ve described. Darths are powerhouses in the Empire, controlling significant forces and are generally ridiculously aloof. They would not inform a lowly apprentice that they’re going away, especially not where they were going unless they had a need for said apprentice to report to them there.

We would suggest rewriting the former master as at most a Sith Lord and to expand more upon the treachery situation leading up to this.

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All in all, this sheet is a good start, but needs a bit of work to flesh it out fully. We think that a bit more work on fleshing her out will make for a good Sith.

D&D 5E: Dungeon of the Mad Mage

We're just a touch busy and haven't read up on any RPs for a while. We're getting back into things now that our vacation is over.

[Withdrawn] Aria Saal, Sith Apprentice

Her mask bears an almost arachnid-like configuration, with four glowing red-orange panels where the eye slits are (these are manufactured using the shattered remains of her father’s kyber crystals, allowing her to channel the Force into them to achieve the menacing glowing effect.

This bit about using the Force to make them glow is fairly illogical. We'd recommend just skipping that and keeping them neat and glowy from regular ol' tech. The Kyber crystal basis for them is unusual but not overly problematic.

most likely, "information packets", as you labeled them, would not be delivered by an apprentice directly to the Dark Council, but rather sent up the system, we'd recommend tweaking it so that rather than delivering directly, she passed them up the system so that they eventually got into the hands of the Dark Council. No doubt you can figure out a good phrasing.

Tweak those two elements above, and we're thinkin' the sheet is pretty close to done, @The Elvenqueen

[Approved] Darth Nyiss

@Sundered Echo
Most of the contents are good in this sheet due to prior discussions and intimate knowledge of the guides, thus more of a focus on phrasing, grammar and minor details.

OoC / Goals:
too → to

Appearance:
Grumble-grumble. Use Galactic standard system of measurement, Echo.

“... she is surrounded by a subtle other-worldly glamour with decidedly uneasy and off-putting sensations.”
Something feels off about this sentence. Not sure what.

Force:
Add question mark after “but why would I need to”

Non-Force:
Find one error:
“I am a highly respected Archeologist among this Sith.”

Doubled up?
“I am a capable administrator, though I prefer to delegate when I can. I also know the many basic skills taught in the Sith Academy, though I prefer not to have to use them.

The many skills taught by the academy are also known to me, such as wilderness survival, basic slicing and medical skills using limited resources.”

Lightsaber:
“with a single or double handed grip when using one blade.”
Two-handed. When → while

Politics:
Check whole sheet for doubled spaces

This section, in some ways, feels very short.

Underlings:
“HKZ - 341”
Remove spaces? (multiple instances)
Bold underling names?

Psychology:
Maybe expand this to provide a few situational examples of how she’s possibly likely to respond in a few example situations?

Flaws:
Bold flaw labels.

because of a hyper focus on her current objective → because of a passionate focus solely on her current objective
Or somesuch. “Hyper focus” feels wrong.

Interests:
“Exoteric” sure you intended this word and not another? Is her non-biochemical research intended to be understood by all?

Bio:
Legacy hunting → legacy-hunting

Almost surprising to have a human nanny involved in Kurzayon’s project.

Age fifteen, “new found” → newfound
Thirty sixth → thirty-sixth

Possible change: split bio into “epochs” to make looking things up easier

45 → forty-five

[Withdrawn] Aria Saal, Sith Apprentice

we've been on vacation, so we haven't had time to look at it yet. We will as soon as we have time and resources to spare.

[Withdrawn] Aria Saal, Sith Apprentice

intersecting tags tend to break the system.

this breaks:
[i][b]often[/i][/b]
this doesn't.
[i][b]often[/b][/i]

D&D 5E: Dungeon of the Mad Mage

we're busy in RL until roughly next week.

[Approved] Darth Embrus

We'll not start a back-and-forth discussion with another GM here.
Power growth in the Empire is a slow process, even with the assistance of those more powerful. It is quicker than in the Jedi Order, but it is still a slow process.

If you have any questions about our criticism, @Jorick, don't hesitate to ask us. We're more than willing to help. There were, as mentioned, many parts of your sheet we liked and we see great potential in it.

[Approved] Darth Embrus

Here's an initial review.

Unusual to see a Mirialan high-level Sith. Interesting.

We had to look up some comparative materials to give a proper review of the section on the Force. The initial impression, however, was “that’s a lot of known techniques.

The description for mastery of a talent reads as follows:

There is little more to be known about the technique. Not only does the user have intimate knowledge and understanding of this, but he or she knows practically every use and exactly how to teach most others.
There are hardly any who reach this level of skill.

Guide to the Force, on talent mastery

Additionally, the relevant part of the description for a regular master (no innate talent) reads as follows:

This level of skill is such that few ever reach it, as it requires several decades of dedicated study and practice to attain, as well as study of more esoteric and rare sources of knowledge.

Guide to the Force, on Learned Mastery

With that in mind, we can continue. Your character hasn’t only mastered an innate talent, which would be impressive on its own for someone of his age, but he has mastered five innate talents. And he has reached the well-trained talent level for another five, and advanced training on five more.

Usually takes at least a decade with a teacher who has mastered it to reach this level, if it is ever reached.

Guide to the Force, on advanced talents

So, even ignoring the other abilities, he has spent five decades studying the advanced techniques, at least as much again studying to become well-trained with five talents, and he’s spent the equivalent of a century or more to master five talents. All before reaching the age of fifty.
Considering that he is part of the Sphere of Military Offense, his level of studies doesn’t make sense. If he spent every waking moment of his life, both in his academy years and afterwards, he would not reach these levels of skill in that many fields. Innately talented masters are extremely rare individuals. The difference between a “regular” mastery and an “innate” mastery is that the latter goes several steps further, studying every single nuance of it. It is highly unlikely that there is anything that can be done with a technique that an innate master cannot do.
For comparison, Darth Theya Katherion, who has spent decades in exploring the nuances of the Force and the Dark Side, has mastered telekinesis and one or two closely linked sub-branches. While we haven’t defined whether it was an innate talent or not (we should fix things like that), the feeling we have of her is that it is not an innate talent. Darth Theya has about 120 years of life more than Darth Embrus, yet she is clearly vastly less powerful in the Force than you’ve made Embrus. See the issue.
We also compared with another character built in the same era and using much of the same material (Sundered Echo’s Darth Nyiss), and she was, with her lower age (59-65) even weaker, even though she too is older than Embrus.
By the age he is at, if he’s spent especially much of his time using that, perhaps in battle considering his Primary Sphere of Influence, he could perhaps have reached mastery in one technique, with near-mastery in something closely related.

Remember, creating a Darth is not just about pumping in power and skill in all sorts of fields until you have something that can defeat pretty much anything else. It is creating a character with a complete story, with everything built around it. While darths generally do have a “favorite” field, in order to deserve the rank the Sith in question has to have a wide-reaching power base, so that they can be sure that others will not easily outmaneuver them.
As described in the Sith Guide, there are a number of requirements for the Dark Council to grant someone the rank of Darth. While not all must be present, some are mandatory and most must be present.

• The Dark Council must see the need for a new Darth.
• The prospective Darth must have a vast power base, with influence at the highest levels of the Empire.
• Good relations with at least one member of the Dark Council
• No enemies on the Dark Council
• The Sith’s numerous underlings should include some that help balance out most of the prospective Darth’s major flaws
• He or she must have sufficient prominence in the Empire to be of use to the Dark Council as a Darth.
• His or her grasp of the Force must be vast, significant enough to stand out from the rest, though it need not cover all aspects possible. A warrior won’t need to delve deeply into alchemy, the field of telepathy or such
• He or she must, in addition to a power base and underlings, have significant resources at his or her disposal.
• The Dark Council will not promote someone who cannot keep his/her enemies in check, either through careful manipulation, or elimination.

We think you have a good start on this sheet, but there are many gears that aren’t connected to any other gears in what should have been a well-working machinery.
Later parts of the sheet describe him as a Sith with interests primarily in two fields:
Everything to do with lightsabers and their use, especially in combat.
Tinkering with technology and improving it.
We’re not counting the hedonistic hobbies, as those are just casual entertainment.

Other than in the Force Power section, there is nothing in the sheet to explain his extreme level of study of the Force. He would make a powerful combat/war-focused Sith Lord, but without heavy modifications, he doesn’t even remotely have the background to work out as a Darth. His climb through the ranks is a bit too meteoric. Remember, a Sith Lord is equivalent in power to a Jedi Master, but has political power and resources far beyond those of a Jedi Master. As stated in the Jedi Guide, a most Knights undergoing Master trials are at least 45 years of age.
As such, we would recommend you adjust the character to a Sith Lord, cut heavily down upon the Force knowledge, adjusting it to fit better in with his specialization as a warrior with a bit of technological tinkering as flavor.
There is nothing in the sheet that we could see justifying his deep-delve into telepathy.
You could either have his master adjusted to a Sith Lord and keep the inheritance stuff (adjusted to lord levels, of course), or you could designate that his master is still alive and that he is the favored heir, possibly with his elderly master already preparing him to eventually take over.
There’s a lot of great stuff in your sheet, but it is not a functional Darth.

In any case you should expand considerably upon his flaws and failures, as well as include creative punishments for failures. When punishing an underling, a Sith Lord or Darth will generally pick something he or she knows will feel as punishment to the underling, even as it educates them and is generally related to the failure.
Plain torture, for example, wouldn’t be the “wise” punishment for military or diplomatic mistakes. It would, however, be the sort of punishment a sadistic Sith might use to teach how to properly interrogate a prisoner without killing it.