LadyAnnaLee

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

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The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Two weeks was a long time. Darin was starting to get restless. She never thought that she would get restless. Yet she couldn’t help but feel that way since she had other places that she needed to be. Everyday she wasted was a day closer to the death of The Tree. She felt enclosed in this little village. She supposed she couldn’t count the two weeks as fully wasted. Ridhane had needed time to heal and recover from the injuries the Red Hand had given her. The Elf wouldn’t have recovered if they kept moving. So, even though it made Darin anxious she was glad that they had rested in the Eluri village for as long as they did.

She supposed that rested was the wrong word for her. Darin had spent the two weeks helping the villagers in their farms. Most of the Elves regraded the humans with a wariness and suspicion that Darin couldn’t fault. Harris didn’t. Neither did any of those who saw what she had done the night of the rain. They simply let her know where the tools were and let her know how they distributed assignments. Darin took her assignments without complaint and worked her hardest to do her best work. She returned to Konie’s hut sore and exhausted every night. It was the good kind of exhaustion that came from a productive day’s work.

The night before Konie finally gave Ridahne the okay to start traveling. The healer had made it perfectly clear that they needed to take it slow. It was clear that the Eluri had not been impressed with the fact that the human had been traveling with stiches that she kept ripping. Though Darin had healed as well, and she was happy now that she had full use of her arm again. Ridahne and Darin weren’t the only members of their party that had healed. Taja’s wing was finally mended. The hawk was capable of short flights, but he still only put up with Darin. The hawk tolerated Talbot as well, but that was more due to the fact that Talbot didn’t tolerate Taja’s attitude. Though the bird’s attitude had improved since he had been able to hunt for himself.

Right now, Darin was right outside Konie’s hut with her arm extended wearing the falconry gear she had recently acquired. She was waiting for Taja to come back to her after looking for breakfast. She could see him in the trees surrounded the village. She had already eaten and packed last night. They were leaving the village early this morning. The sun was just starting to peak out from the horizon and sky was painted in the rose oranges and blush pinks of dawn. Darin was glad that they were getting a move on. There were a few more Eluri villages she wanted to visit before they reached Azurei. Darin was still trying to make friends. Though she figured that she had done a pretty good job her even if most of them still thought she was a boy.

Darin called out, “Taja! Come on! We need to go get Talbot and finish getting ready to go.”

The hawk let out a screech before gliding over the small open space to landing on his person’s arm. Darin ran her fingers of the golden bird’s chest feathers as he hopped on to her shoulder. The Seed-Bearer was glad for the tough leather protecting her skin. At least the hawk wouldn’t be able to accidently injure her again. Darin turned and began walking towards the stables. Taja figured out where they were going and took of to fly of towards the building. He couldn’t only fly short distances, but soon he would be back to full strength. The human figured he would fly off to not be seen again. That was a bittersweet thought.

Darin got to the stable and called out, “Talbot! We’re leaving.” She muttered quietly, “I’m so glad.”

Talbot must have heard her because he let out a snort of agreement as he tossed his head in a nod. Darin laughed as she got what little tack the horse would let her put on put on. Since that was the reins and the reins only it was easy enough. She also attached Taja’s traveling basket and her bags. She had added to her small collection of things while being in the village. She now had a better knife, another blanket, a pair of leather gloves and she now had three changes of clothes. She also had a proper mending kit and fresh supplies. Harris had made sure she and Ridahne were properly outfitted. The elders of this village still didn’t like her, but as far as Darin could figure out Harris actually had more clout in the village.

Speaking of Harris, a voice filled the air, “We’ll be sad to see you go young Martin. You’re a good worker; better than some of our own young adults.”

Darin smiled at the Eluri as he came up to Talbot’s stall, “I thank you for the compliment, and I wish I could stay, but I have work to do. I cannot do it here.”

Harris nodded, “I didn’t figure you would. You’re a farmer alright, but power like yours comes with responsibility for sure.”

The human bit her lip as she considered. Finally, she spoke slowly, “Yes. To all the Children of Astra.”

Harris instantly understood that he was being trusted with something big and secret. He was completely serious, “What do you mean?”

Darin’s voice was barely a whisper, “The Seed.”

Harris’s eyes went wide, and his response was instant, “Enough!” His voice was sharp, “I need no more!” Then his gaze softened, “Though I can think of no one better.” He bowed slightly as he maintained eyes contact, “Noble lady.” Her eyes went wide, and he laughed lightly at her shock, “I knew when you wouldn’t go swimming with the other young ones. Though you are wise to travel as a boy. Especially if you had such an important task as you are implying, and I do not think you would lie.” He placed a soft kiss on her forehead, “Best of luck young Martin.”

He turned to walk out of the stable when she suddenly called out, “Darin!”

He turned to smile over his shoulder, “Best of luck Martin. And thank you for everything.”

Darin’s voice gained a touch of something, “May The Tree Bless you Harris, Child of the Wind, Child of the Sky. And may that Blessing elevate you. Go Harris Seed-Friend; with my thanks for all that you have done.”

Harris smiled widely as he turned to bow deeply with his right hand crossed over his chest and his fist over his heart. His waist created an almost perfect 90 degrees. Then he turned to leave again. This time he managed to leave. Darin let out the breath she didn’t realize that she had been holding. She needed to stop doing things she didn’t understand even though it felt right now. The Seed had been burning against her thigh the entire time. It was a pleasant sort of burning. There was a change in Darin’s soul that was similar to the time she Chained Ridahne to The Seed. This was done out of respect instead of anger so felt different, but the change was still there. Harris wasn’t quite Seed-Honored, but that was okay. Darin let out another breath. She needed to finish getting ready to go.

She turned to smile at Talbot, “I’ll need to do that for your person.” Talbot nodded and Darin laughed, “Well you’re ready to go. I’m going to go check on Ridahne. I bet she’s even more excited to leave than I am.”

Darin left the stable to head towards Konie’s hut for the last time. She was glad to be leaving, but it had been nice to be a farmer for a little bit. She had not been on ordered bed rest for two weeks. She had just been told to take it easy. She didn’t but her injuries had still healed and Konie only made her ingest a minimal of terrible tasting concoctions designed to help her heal. Darin may have been feeling restless, but Ridhane had to be ready to explode with boredom. Leaving would do them both some good. Then again maybe the Elf didn’t want to leave. Darin didn’t think so, but she was trying to not jump conclusions.

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Would you be alright with me doing a time skip? I like to skip to when Ridahne is fully healed and they are getting ready to leave the village. SO about two weeks.

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Darin said again as she finally left off petting Mitaja’s ears, “I like to swim. There wasn’t much time for it. I was too busy with running my farm. There’s a lot of work on a farm. It’s supposed to be a team effort. Even a small farm, like mine, was a two-person job. One person to look after the land and crops and another to do the other chores. Mama was … lost for a long time after he left. So, it was just me. Free time usually only occurred at night right before bed, but by that time I was so tired I usually just fell asleep as soon as I sat down.” Darin fell backwards off the chair to stare at the ceiling, “As for the fiddle.” Her hand reached out towards the ceiling, “It was his. He was teaching me to play it before he left. I was pretty good at it. I had an ear for the music, I guess. For some reason he left it behind when he left. He took our horse, half our supplies, and Mama’s heart, but he left the fiddle. I rarely played after that. I usually only played at the solstice feasts and never for very long and only if my mother asked. She never failed to ask. I tried to burn it once. She stopped me. She cried. It’s still here. She snuck it in my bag before I left. By the time I found out there was no point in going back. So now I’m stuck with it. I might use it to break his nose. That seems fitting.”

She had to consider RIdahne’s claim that she would get all the chocolate and coffee that she would want. Darin wasn’t sure she wanted any of that. She was interested in coconut but that was because it sounded like it was common. Coffee and chocolate sounded like something for nobles and royalty and Darin was positive that she would never be either. She didn’t want to be. She was content to be a farmer. She might be the most important farmer to Astra’s people, but she still just wanted to be a farmer. She was certain that she could live without chocolate and coffee. She did want to see the ocean though and if Ridahne could make that happen Darin would be content. She wasn’t going to say that out loud though. She had a feeling that would upset Ridahne.

Darin dropped her arm, “I would be more than happy to make you apple pie. It’s not really difficult. It does require patience, focus, and a lot of time, but the task itself is simple. You do need a good oven and a decent knife. Flour, sugar, butter, and a little cinnamon will make the pastry. Butter, lots of cinnamon, sugar, and apples will make the filling. Salt is important as well. That’s another one that I had to horde. Salt is super important but it’s not cheap. It’s not expensive, but that doesn’t mean it was easy for me to get. You probably had an easier time of it then I did.”

Darin knew there was two ways of getting salt. There were the salt mines in the mountains not too terribly far from her home. Then you could pull it from the water found in the ocean. Darin wondered if the Azurei people did that. It would make sense that they would. Everyone in Astra needed salt, but they didn’t all live near salt. Maybe some of the Azurei did while others did other things. Azurei was an entire country. Darin couldn’t even fathom how many people that was. Lively was the biggest place she had seen before Greyrock and she hadn’t seen many people there. She could just tell it was bigger by the size of the barn and tavern. She wasn’t sure she was entirely prepared for the culture shock of getting to Azurei. She wondered if that had occurred to RIdahne. It wasn’t just Azurei she was worried about. She knew that there were human kingdoms ruled by kings and queens. She wasn’t sure about Sirens. She was sure there had to be something similar. She just wasn’t sure what.

She slowly pushed herself upwards, “I best go check on the horse and Taja. I’m not sure how the silly bird reacted to the rain. He might have loosened his splint.” She wavered for a moment, “I’ll make sure to get your knives. Do you need or want anything else?”

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Darin, never once in her life, had to describe apple pie. As such she wasn’t entirely sure how to do so, “It’s not really like bread.” She held her hands out to indicate a circle, “It’s a circle dish that you put a layer of pastry in. Then you fill the rest of the pan with apples or cherries or whatever kind of fruit you want. Then you put another layer of pastry on top. There was some that night at The Farm. You might have missed it since it came out during the dancing. It’s a desert. So, you mix the fruit filling with things like sugar and spices. It’s yummy; one of my favorites. Cherry is good too.”

She wasn’t surprised that she hadn’t described snow very well. It seemed like she wasn’t good at describing things. Still, Ridahne had heard stories before and odds were that they would seem some sooner or later on this journey. Darin didn’t think it would be this winter season though. They were heading further south and she thought that they would be in Azurei by the time the snows were supposed to start falling. So, they would have to wait until next season. If Darin remembered the map correctly, they couldn’t go any more south than Azurei so after that they would be heading back north. Darin had a feeling they both would be seeing a lot of new things on this trip. Darin herself had never even heard of coconuts and she had only ever heard of chocolate.

She shook her head, “I’ve never heard of coconuts and there is no way I could afford chocolate. I could barely afford soap and if I didn’t grow my own food there have been several occasions where my mother and I would have both starved.” Darin gave a breathy sigh, “It wasn’t always like that though. Before he left, we were fine. We could easily buy the necessities and even the occasional treat. After he left it got … harder. The only way I could get sugar was right before feast days and that was only because, somehow, despite my contrary nature, I made the best apple pie in the village. Once all the pie was made there was very little left over. I horded as much as I could for our personal use, but it was never enough. Honey was easier to get. We would put that in our porridge and in our tea. I’ve only had coffee once and that was because a trader in Lively was feeling generous. It was shortly after he left. Everyone knew. I was still in shock. Mama was still lost.” Darin gave her head a shake of her head, “It doesn’t matter now. Sooner or later all of Astra will know who I am. Then I suspect that I will be treated with respect beyond my due.” She sighed, “Since I’ve meet you more and more people just know who I am. I have to wonder if there is any point at all to traveling in disguise.”

That was a question that had been plaguing her frequently lately. Everyone she had meet lately knew who she was. Logically Darin knew it was because the people here, the Eluri, had visions. Humans didn’t and she didn’t know about Sirens. Perhaps they did, perhaps they didn’t. There would be no point in hiding in Azurei, but perhaps in other lands. Darin looked at her hands. They weren’t as calloused as she would like. That was how Ridahne had known she was a girl. Darin didn’t want to be known as soon as she meet someone. Maybe she should start wearing gloves. She wasn’t sure where she would get a pair though. Maybe she could barter for a pair here in this village. Though she did have other things to worry about here in this village.

Darin found herself asking another question, “When you have free time, however rare it is, what do you do to fill it? I like to swim though never in an ocean, in the lake near my farm. I would love to see the ocean. I hear it tastes like salt. Is that true?”

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Well that was a question she had never been asked before. Darin’s brow furrowed as she ran her hands over the hunting cat’s soft ears. Mitaja was seemingly content with her ministrations and it wasn’t like it was that much of a chore. Darin slowly slipped down off the chair and on to the floor as she thought about Ridahne’s question. Her attention was seemingly on Mitaja as she ran her hands over the cat’s ears and chest. The deep rumbling was certainly one of the best sounds Darin had heard of. However, she wasn’t sure about a favorite scent. There were so many good ones.

After a lengthy silence she spoke, “Apple pie baking.” She paused for a moment, “Wheat growing.” She started smiling, “Sunshine. Snow. Rain.” She sighed slowly, “There are so many good ones. Fresh heather. Pine.” She found herself repeating, “Sunshine. Or rain. I’ve said this already but snow.” She used her wrist to rub at her eyes, “I’m tired.” She continued as she started rambling, “I really like sunshine. A lot of people say it doesn’t smell like anything, but I think it smells like warmth. Especially right after I got out of the water. There’s a swimming pond back home. I would go swimming and then when I got out I would sit on the bank and let the sunshine dry my skin. It would smell like … peace.

“Or snow. Snow is another one. I don’t know if you’ve seen snow, but if you miss heat, you’ll dislike snow. It happens in the winter when it gets cold enough to freeze. It’s rain that has frozen into a white powder. It comes down and sticks to the ground. Eventually it covers everything like a blanket. You have to wrap up in so many layers just to get anywhere. The whole village comes together to clear the roads. Snow smells clean though when it melts it smells wet. It means that spring is coming. Winter is when the world rests and then it wakes back up and snow just smells like quiet and clean.”

Darin paused for a moment as she considered that. She had just described two smells that came from the sky. She wondered if that meant anything. Ridahne had described citrus which was an earth smell; a stone smell. Darin guessed that meant just because a person was a Child of one of the elements didn’t mean they were perfect matches for that element. Maybe a person could, and did, have attributes of all three elements in them. She herself loved the smell of the sky, the feel of dirt, and swimming. She liked catching raindrops and snowflakes on her tongue and that was water that came from the sky so that seemed like both Sky and Sea. Maybe that was just her.

She continued speaking with her eyes on Mitaja, “Kids will stand outside and try to catch snowflakes, the little frozen raindrops, on their tongues. You’re supposed to grow out of it, but I never did. I never wanted to. I think that was proof to the elders that I wasn’t mature enough to know what was best. I think they kept hoping I would grow up, but I didn’t have the time to grow up. I was too busy being a nuisance and taking care of things. Ah well.” She cast a glance over at Ridahne, “Let’s see. Favorite thing to eat? Is that a safe question? I like sweet porridge. It’s usually a treat since sugar or brown sugar is expensive. You cook the oats with milk and serve it warm. I haven’t had it in a long time. A long, long time. So, it’s more like fond memory. What’s yours?”

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Darin smiled softly as MItaja came over and pressed her head into the human’s hand. It seemed that the cat was quite upset with the human for leaving off the petting so come stare at the fire. Darin complied with the demand for more petting by rubbing the hunting cat’s ears. She didn’t much sound like the cats that Darin was used to, but Mitaja still acted just the same. The human supposed that meant cats were cats no matter where they came for or what their size was. Somehow that was a small comfort as Darin struggled to come to grip with what had happened at what she had done.

Ridahne’s words did not. Darin didn’t want to think about how it was a gift that she knew nothing about the man. She didn’t want to think about it becoming easier the more she did it. She didn’t want to think about the memories fading. She didn’t want to think about it becoming commonplace. Every person killed was a child of Astra. Every person was the product of both their choices and factors beyond their control. Every Person had a life and a story to tell, and now, well now no one would tell the story of the man she had killed. Maybe Ridahne was right. Maybe it was easier that she didn’t know his name. Darin didn’t think that made it right that she didn’t know. Then again, right was seldom easy.

Darin almost said that out loud. Her mouth was open. The words were almost out. Then she stopped, held her tongue, and move a small humming noise instead. She really didn’t want to fight with RIdahne tonight. There was no point. She didn’t want to end every night with a fight. It seemed that they always ending the day fighting with each other or with someone else. It was growing tiresome, and it was not a tradition that Darin want to actually start. The human looked down at the cat loving on her as she sighed again. She needed to learn to think before she spoke or did anything. That would prevent most fights she supposed.

So instead Darin changed what she was going to say, “Maybe you are right. Maybe it easier that I don’t know.”

Darin didn’t voice the rest of her thoughts. That was the part that was the human thought would cause a fight. Yet, Darin thought, she didn’t need to voice her opinion every time that it differed with something. That was a new thought. Back home she was in the habit of saying all her opinions out loud. Most of them were contrary in some ways. That was why the elders didn’t really like her. She hadn’t cared back then. Back then she wasn’t trying to make friends. She was trying to survive and keep her mother alive. She wanted the farm and she wanted to be the one to work it. Now she needed friends and to convince people to follow her.

Darin sighed again, “I’m tired Ridahne. I’m tired of not knowing right or wrong. I’m tired of being out of my comfort zone.” She laughed a little, “Besides that I’m just plain tired. I can feel an exhaustion in my bones that I haven’t felt in a long time.” She struggled to think, “I think the last time I felt this was the first harvest I worked alone that was rough. Dawn until well after dusk. I had no idea how to use a sickle. I came home covered in injuries that I had to patch up myself because my mother was lost in the memories of a man long gone. Dirty and grimy were normal.” Darin looked at her hands, “I know I’m a farmer, but I hate being dirty and grimy. I’m so glad that I was caught in the rain early. It washed away most of the dirt. I would still like soap.” She caught in memories, “There was no shortage of soap back home. I could clean whenever I wanted. Hot water was a bit of a treat, but I still scrubbed pretty much every day. This traveling thing prevents that. I feel like I’m always dusty. I hate it. Of all the physical inconveniences being unable to get the dust off is the worse.” She scoffed, “How silly is that? I have a responsibility bigger than anyone or anything and the one thing that would make it better is soap and water every single night.” She turned to look at Ridahne, “What about you? What do you miss? Not people or places. What do you miss that seems completely silly?”

It was a way to get to know Ridahne better. It was a safer way to get to know Ridahne then that first night. At least this was slightly pointless, and Darin needed the distraction. Maybe if she was distracted her appetite would return. Maybe she would actually be able to drink something. She wasn’t feeling good at all and still wanted to throw up. She needed something to take her mind off of her current train of thought before it consumed her completely. It was a sudden topic change, but somehow, she didn’t think that Ridahne would mind that much. There was nothing to mind. If Ridahne didn’t want to talk about this she didn’t have too. Darin wouldn’t press at all.

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

I felt like I should let you know. I've been posting so much because of the holidays. Now that they are over my work schedule has returned to normal. So I will be returning to being a weekend poster. Thank you for understanding.

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Darin supposed that made sense. It actually made a lot of sense. She had known from the moment that the chickens had hatched that most of them would wind up as dinner. The ones that didn’t were layers and breeders. Even they were dinner at some point, so Darin supposed that she should amended her previous statement. All the chickens, all the ducks that didn’t fly away, all the pigs, even the horses were killed at some point. People though, people weren’t supposed to die of anything less than old age or accidents. Yet she was now guilty of changing that fact for one person; a person that she knew nothing about. For all she knew he was just taking a job to get paid. Darin knew that she never would know. She really shouldn’t worry about it, but she couldn’t help the circling thoughts.

Ridahne’s story didn’t really help either. The fact that she hesitated did. The fact that it was just for her then as it was for Darin now helped. The fact that they had known that it was a monster did not help. Darin knew nothing about the man she had killed. Did he have a family? That was dumb. He had parents. Did he know them? Did he have a spouse? What about kids? By The Tree Darin hoped he didn’t have children. Yet, as she kept reminding herself, she had no way of knowing anything about him. He knew that she was struggling with killing him. He hadn’t mentioned anything to convince her not to do it. Maybe he thought he couldn’t. Maybe it he was trying to make it easier.

Suddenly she stood up. She was shaky for a moment, but she did regain her balance. Darin then walked over to the fire. She stood staring at the flickering lights with her arms wrapped around her chest. She couldn’t take it anymore. She was tired of her thoughts just running in circles. She couldn’t take this guilt, this questioning, this fear that she had done the wrong thing. She couldn’t take not knowing anything about him. She couldn’t take the fact that she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t take the fact that she wasn’t sure she wanted to handle it. Darin almost wanted it to haunt her. She didn’t even know his name.

Her voice was quiet and unsure, a question she wasn’t sure she should ask, “Does it still haunt you; that first one? What about the more recent ones, the ones that lead you to me, do those haunt you? Or does the image of their faces go away when it no longer matters?”

Darin wasn’t sure what she wanted the answer to be. She almost wanted to know that one day it would be easier; that one day she wouldn’t care that she didn’t know his name. She almost wanted to forget him and move on. Still there was a part of her, a part that felt bigger or more important, that didn’t want to forget. She had told the Eija boy to burn the bodies; to let them be forgotten, but Darin wasn’t sure that she wanted to forget. She wasn’t sure they really deserved to be forgotten. Besides if they were forgotten the lessons that their story had to teach would be forgotten as well. Darin wasn’t sure what lessons there were, but there had to be some. Maybe she would feel better if she knew what they were.

The Seed-Bearer slowly sank onto the small stool by the fire with her gaze still on the sparks, “I don’t even know his name Ridahne. How do I cope with that?”

The Tree of Astra (LadyAnnaLee and Blackfridayrule)

Darin looked back up towards the sky as Ridahne mentioned that the Eija would come during the night. It wouldn’t be this nice. At least she didn’t think it would be. The rain was due to continue though the night and late into the next afternoon. It would start to slow down in the morning, so she might be able to make it to the stables in the afternoon without being completely soaked. Of course, that all hinged on whether or not Darin got enough rest tonight in order to regain some of the energy she had lost today. She wasn’t going anywhere as long as she still felt as weak as a newborn kitten.

It also depended on if the weather actually did what Darin thought it should do. She wasn’t sure why she was so sure that the downpour would last until midmorning and the drizzle would continue until almost evening. She wasn’t the best at predicting the weather back home, and there she knew something about the weather patterns. The Seed-Bearer didn’t know anything about the weather patterns here, yet she had thought about what the rain would do with barely a second thought. It was almost like she knew what was happening in the skies of Astra. Though that did make sense. She was The Seed-Bearer. She had held the rain back for just a few minutes. It made sense that she knew how the sky would move.

Darin’s attention was recaptured as Ridahne brough up the man who’s arm she had cut off. Darin didn’t want to talk about that. She didn’t even what to think about that. She had killed a man and didn’t even have the courage to do it directly. She forced him to bleed to death and called it a mercy. Ridahne seemed to think that she was some sort of saint, but Darin just felt like a fraud. She was supposed to be preventing evil; not causing slow and torturous deaths. Why couldn’t she have just killed in in a single moment? Instead she had pretended that he had had a chance of escaping and finding help. It made Darin nauseous. It was a good thing she hadn’t eaten all day, or it might have made a reappearance.

Darin had no intention of talking about it, but she found her herself speaking, “Backup I raise my chickens from the time they hatch until the time they are dinner. They grow to trust me for food and water. I cannot count the number of times I nursed them to health and though sickness. I did the same for the pig. I raise them. I convince them to trust me. I love them and they love me.” She took a deep shuddering breath, “Then I kill them; slaughter them so I can eat their meat for energy, use their bones to make tools, use their feathers to stuff my mattress and pillows. It tore me up each and every single time, yet I did it without a second thought.” She clung tighter to Mitaja, “This though, this was different. He wanted me dead. I don’t know why, but he and his friends wanted me dead. He was a stranger; not a friend I’ve known since birth. IT should have been easy to just take off his head or stab his heart. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the courage to kill a man flat out so instead I tortured him first.” Darin slowly turned her head to look Ridahne in the eyes, “That man is dead because of me and I know it. I had no choice but to kill him and I know it. I did have a choice in how to do it and I deluded myself into thinking I was showing him a mercy when I didn’t just kill him out right.” The Seed-Bearer was sure, “There was no mercy in what I did. He suffered because I couldn’t do what needed to be done. I can’t afford to make that mistake again.”

Was in wrong of her to feel no guilt for the killing part? Darin wasn’t sure. She just knew that it really was either him or her. She was just glad that it was her. She felt guilt like she had never before for making his death last longer than it needed to. She should have just killed him while she had still been there. Maybe her logic was faulty. She wasn’t sure about that one. Still, she had killed innocent things that had done nothing to her with barely a second thought. Why had it been so much harder to kill a man that was trying to kill her? Then again it didn’t seem right to just kill a man that was tied up. Still, if Darin had left him, he may have actually managed to escape and then gone back to deliver a report. Maybe she should have given him a less severe injury; one he might of survived but left him unable to escape. The problems with that was that she wasn’t sure what that might be and the Eija might have just killed him when they found him anyways. Darin wasn’t sure, and if she couldn’t figure out the answer to this dilemma how was she supposed to figure out the difference between good and evil? She wasn’t sure and that disheartened her.