Lemons

Amygdala Circuit

Staring up at the ceiling, Quinn tried her best to breathe steadily. She was met with...middling success. It wasn't as bad. But it was still pretty bad.

"N—no, It's...not the duel," she bit out, doing her best to force her voice to come out evenly. She picked up the glass of water, swirling it momentarily before—

Have some water instead. How's that sound, sweetie?

—Before her arm jerked and she rammed it none-too-gently back onto the table where the rest of the salmon lay forgotten, staring wide-eyed at it like she'd seen a ghost. The water that had spilled over in her haste soaked into the tablecloth, and her already pale face went white as a sheet as she shrank back. "Just—I—you—they—"

She didn't know quite what to make of what was happening. Disoriented, confused, and hurting, she could only reach her hand up again to swipe the burgeoning tears out before they could spill over. How did she explain this? How could she possibly explain this? She didn't know. All she knew was that she was ruining it. She forced herself to uncoil, sitting back down in a normal posture, though she was obviously very tense. She was messing it all up. But for some reason Mona wasn't—wasn't mad at her. She didn't know why, but it made her just comfortable enough to find her voice.

"I mean—sorry. I'm s—sorry." Another heavy swallow, trying to choke back the lump. "It was—it was home."

An honest-to-goodness shiver passed through her body when she said the word, and she closed her eye again for a moment, like she couldn't bear to look. She was ruining it. She was ruining everything. Like she always did. She looked down at her hand. It was shaking. Her whole body was shaking, in a way it hadn't in weeks. "They—I don't—please—" Then she dropped to a dead whisper, barely enough for Mona to hear, let alone anybody else. "...Please. Don't—don't talk about—about home, or about—about—my—my fam—my parents. Please. Don't. Please. I didn't—I couldn't say—I'm sorry!"

As hard as she tried, a thin trickle of tears was threading its way down from her eye. She hated it. She hated herself for it. All she had to do was not do that, and she was messing it up. The taut tension started leaking from her voice, and she picked up a napkin from the table, dabbing her eye with it in a futile attempt to look like she wasn't one frayed thread from snapping.

"Just...please. Don't."

You Can Become a Hero!

Kayo gritted her teeth beneath a placid smile as not one, not two, but three different people shoved their way by her, knocking her smaller frame around a bit like a ragdoll as the crowd flexed around them. They must've been upperclassmen. Nobody else would push through like that. She almost wanted to snarl at them. If she gets me wet in this weather, I'm going to hurt her soooo much. But she didn't, obviously, because she was better than they were, a fact which was more than evident now. Obviously.

She'd gotten off the night train from Kyoto right around the crack of dawn—it had really been cold then—and spent an hour waking herself up some and privately sneering at her mom while sitting in a charming little coffee shop, sipping on a hot cocoa and nibbling on a pastry. She she didn't really know the name of it. Something French, she thought. It had been pretty good, she'd need to go back to that place after school sometime. She tried her best to remember exactly where it had been, before a particularly chilly gust of wind brushed her hair against her face and prompted a surprised sneeze. She'd think about it later. She remembered the name if nothing else.

In contrast to those three idiots from before—silver hair, green hair, fish, she would remember them for sure—she dawdled a bit in how she moved through the courtyard, very occasionally sliding by someone with a saccharine "Sorry! Excuse me! Oh, I'm sorry!" The crowd rankled her slightly. She should be out in front of them, naturally. But being out in front of them wouldn't do her any favors socially, as those three had conveniently demonstrated. And Kayo was nothing if not socially conscious. So she was in no hurry to get into the hall quite yet. It was cold, certainly, but the oversized, fluffy pale green sweater she wore over her uniform cut most of the chill.

Ahhh, there was the fish girl with the white hair, shivering like mad. Burying her disdain, she came up behind her. She was tall, wasn't she? An upperclassman, definitely. Probably a third year, if she had to guess. So why was she standing out here if she was so cold? Well, the thought presented itself easily, it's because she's a moron. Which would only make her job easier, wouldn't it? Having an upperclassman on her side would do wonders for her. Get her a nice little headstart in front of everyone else. Even though it wasn't like she needed it or anything. So she walked up behind her, and tapped her gently on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," she said sweetly, pitching her voice up to where it sat in day-to-day life. "You're an upperclassman, right? I'm Nigata Kayo, a first year. I'm a liiiittle bit lost,"—she was not, she knew exactly where to go—"so could you show me where the event hall is, please?"

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn had been so worried about being asked about the duel during the interview that she'd talked to Deelie about what to say. And it was still enough to make her twitch, certainly. But after the last line of questioning, it was...almost a relief. She clenched and unclenched her hands a few times, took a deep breath. She was proud of the fact that her hands were only slightly shaking. She opened her mouth and...

...And her mind went blank.

What was it she had talked about with Deelie? What had she said? How had she responded? She realized that the silence was starting to drag out, and she filled it as much as she could by picking up her fork again, taking a bite of the salmon. It turned to ash in her mouth. What was it? What had she said?

"I..." Her tongue was quite thoroughly tied. She had no idea what she'd say. Something about...? She didn't—her breathing started to accelerate as she fought to figure out what to say. Oh god, oh god, her mind had gone completely dead. What would she—

A memory came unbidden to her mind, then:

Oi, deadgirl. The fuck is Ablaze supposed to mean?

I'll tell you later.

"I..." She swallowed heavily, looking intently at Mona. Her voice shook like a leaf, but she managed to string words together, at least. "I guess I should explain what Ablaze means, huh?"

She closed her eye tight, trying to focus on keeping her voice contained as the previous exchange kept its hooks digging into her mind, steadily pulling it apart. "When I—during the duel—or, before the duel—I was thinking about the kind of pilot I wanted to be." Unlike when she'd spoken with Deelie before, her voice didn't stabilize as she went on. If anything, it worsened. "I want to—to protect people. I want to k—keep everyone safe around me." She pulled in a harsh, shuddering breath. Her self-control was loosening more and more as time went on. "Like...like a torch. I want to be a torch and—and pull light along after me. And—"

She opened her eye finally, looking straight into Mona's. There were definite tears that were threatening to come out; too subtle to come out on screen, but more than enough to see in person. She could only keep the eye contact for a moment before she dropped her eye again. "So that's...that's why I didn't p—pull the trigger. I want to keep people safe. I learned to f—fight to h—help people. Not to hurt them."

She looked down at her lap, voice dropping low. "So it just...would've been wrong."

She leaned back up, pressing her hands briefly into her face as she tried to get her thoughts in order, only just barely succeeding. "After that..." Her voice was muffled through her hands "Roaki got—she got—" Her voice broke off and she dropped her hands from her face, leaving her staring at the ceiling.

"S—sorry. Just...just give me—give me a second. P—please."

Amygdala Circuit

I mean, compared to what life must have been like before.

Quinn's smile froze on her face like brittle ice. "I—"

Compared to what life must have been like before.

Her voice hitched a bit, and she carefully put the fork down on the plate. "It was—"

What life must have been like before.

She started to feel a little heat building around her eye. No. No no no. She couldn't. She needed to...she needed to focus on the good things. She closed her eye for a moment, taking a long, deep breath. When she spoke, her voice had changed. Reverted. Not fully, but the almost...vacant quality to her voice tapered off. That chaotic emotion was bleeding through her now, and she couldn't quite hold it back anymore. "After—well, after—after what happened...it definitely took a long time for me to get used to life up there."

"It was...really really different. Back..." She swallowed heavily, carefully picking and choosing her words. "Back...home, I mostly just...stayed inside. Being a pilot is waaaaay different." She tried to push some of that enthusiasm back into her voice, but it was only barely effective. She let out a heavy breath that she didn't know she'd been holding and relaxed the hands that she suddenly realized had been incredibly tense. That was the hard part. The hard part was over.

"It's—it's busy up there, you know? I can't really train on the ground with Deelie—Dahlia," she hastily amended. "We both phase so fast that by the time we got going we'd have to stop again. So it's a lot of sparring hand to hand in the gym, and man it's a lot of sim training!"

"Still, it's not bad. The people on the Aerie are all really nice, especially Besca and Dahlia. It's..." She hesitated. She knew that Besca was supposed to show professionalism, and she probably shouldn't jeopardize that. But she was important to Quinn. She was going to say it!

"...It's like having a whole new family, you know?"

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn kept that smile as she settled back down. It felt...weird. It felt weird, and off, and not quite real, like it was more part of a mask than it was her real face. But, she knew, she needed to keep that mask on in front of the camera. This was important. The Board was already upset with her, she just knew it. She didn't even want to think about what they'd do if she messed up her first ever interview. So she needed to try really, really hard.

Of course, it wasn't entirely an artifice, and it grew even less so as she took a bite of that salmon that she loved so much. She closed her eye rapturously for a few seconds as the flavors exploded in her mouth, and it took all of her self control to not destroy half of it in two bites. "You know," she said offhandedly, "they've got yuzu soda up there. I don't really know what a yuzu is, but it goes super good with the salmon!"

A moment more of chewing and then another question came at her. She couldn't help it; she laughed a little at how unexpected it was. Not the kind of laugh that she'd affect if she'd had the choice; it was underscored with tension, with the same worry and pain that tended to lie beneath her voice most of the time. She cut herself off quickly, hoping it wasn't too obvious. Still, what a question. She'd expected a bunch of questions, but never one about the hair. So she took another bite, looking up at the ceiling as she thought.

"You know, I've...never actually thought about it." She reached around behind her head and tapped on the topmost plug. "I need to pull it out of the way so I can plug myself in, so I usually just..." She picked up the braid and lifted it over her head a few inches before it fell backwards again, "Pull it up so it falls over the back of the chair like this." Leaning back, she made a show of thinking before going on. "But I guess it must flop around when I'm connected, huh?"

She laughed again. This time she covered all the messy stuff up. People didn't want to hear that. It sounded a little strained, but nobody would notice, right? "Guess it's lucky that it's never come undone up there, huh? It'd get everywhere!"

Amygdala Circuit

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. More than three this time; just 'however many she could fit before the clock ticked down.' Deep breaths. Bury what was left of the panic so deep down it couldn't find her. Quinn was glad Besca was there. Mona was nice, she really was, but this place was still so foreign to her. Besca was like a grounding wire, keeping her from spinning out of control.

She really wanted to start eating. Desperately. Chef Akihiro had come all the way down her to make this for her, and wow if it didn't look and smell just as good as always. But she restrained herself; it seemed like eating before the show started wouldn't be a good idea. And she really, really didn't want Mona to be angry with her.

As the beep of the camera sounded, Quinn jerked slightly, taken aback. Oh wow. It was starting. She was...she was on TV! Some of that anxiety leaked out of her, and it was replaced with a kind of nervous energy. She smiled a lopsided smile as she looked at the big center camera that Mona had gestured to. She'd never talked in front of a camera before. So she took one more deep breath, reminded herself that Besca was right there cheering her on, and waved like Mona had, trying as hard as she possibly could to draw out that cheer that she'd lost.

She could already feel that nervous energy and anxiety balling up in her stomach like a chunk of lead, but she kept the enthusiasm on as best she could. So many people were watching, and Deelie was definitely watching, and Doctor Follen was probably watching too. So, pulling up everything she had, she let her voice go.

"Hey, I'm Quinnlash Loughvein, buuuut you can just call me Quinn! I'm the brand new pilot for RISC, and I'm super excited to be here!"

She was almost surprised at how...happy she sounded, and how natural it all seemed to feel, despite being so alien an experience.

Was this what she'd been like before?

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn sat back, silently proud of herself for actually telling a joke, and having it actually work as a joke. She nodded slightly as Mona quietly mentioned Hovvi again, how she wasn't going to talk about it, and said a quick thank you.

And then there it was. The things not to talk about. She did her best to gather everything in her that was brave, everything in her that was Roaki and Dahlia and Besca, everything that wanted to say, don't talk about my family. But...she wasn't Roaki. She wasn't Dahlia. And she definitely wasn't Besca. The words died in her throat before they could even be born.

"I—" The smile blew out like a candle in a sudden squall. "I don't—" It was hard to get the thought out. It was so hard to get it out.

It was impossible to get it out.

Without really knowing it, she grew quieter, withdrew slightly. And no matter how she tried...it just wouldn't come. So eventually, she just mumbled out, "N...no. Nothing."

Calm down. Calm down. Three deep breaths. The intense self-loathing receded some, hiding underneath the floorboards, and she managed to relight the candle and force the smile back on her face. The breathing always seemed to work. Still, only five minutes. It felt at once much, much longer, and like no time at all, and her nerves were already fraying. She let her eye flicker sideways, searching for Besca. It seemed that she hadn't come out of the kitchen yet. Still figuring out everything with the chef.

At the thought, the smile's hard edges softened and it felt a little more natural again, though it was quite a bit more subdued than it had been before. And as soon as Mona spoke again, she latched onto the new idea and did her best to forget about her...her par—about her last thoughts.

"It's really, really good. And I ate it right before the duel, so now it's lucky too."

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn hadn't realized how thirsty she was until she took a long drink of the clear, cold water. God, but it was still so good. She didn't know if she'd ever fully get used to it, but she got the feeling that she took a lot more pleasure out of just water than most people did. And so, "Just water is fine, thanks!"

She was still stuck on the 'fans' thing. She supposed it made sense, really; Dahlia was such a household name that she'd even heard of her back in her—back in the room she grew up in, and she was well aware by now how many unwritten rules she'd broken by not pulling that final trigger. It stood to reason that she would have people who followed her because of that. But still, it was intimidating somehow. Like suddenly her every move was going to be watched. And she didn't know how much she wanted the whole world to see her breaking down like at lunch today.

As Mona went on, Quinn tensed visibly and reflexively at the mention of Hovvi. Her smile trembled briefly and threatened to break, but she managed to keep it on her face.

"It was..." She swallowed down the lump that was starting to form in her throat, taking a deep breath. "S—sorry. It was really, really different for sure." True enough, even if it probably wasn't for the reasons that Mona assumed it was. Her smile came back renewed as she continued, voice lowering suddenly to a conspiratorial stage whisper as she found her footing a little better, "Just between you and me, I'm pretty sure the Board speeds the clocks up at night so we're as tired as possible."

She could count on two hands the number of sincere jokes she'd ever made. Hopefully that one would land.

Amygdala Circuit

As they descended past the pastel trees, Quinn suddenly took note of the crowd. Tons of people, cheering, taking photos, waving signs with her Savior printed on them. It was very strange. Not unpleasant, really, but certainly disorienting. She hadn't been outside around normal people other than Hovvi, and even then, she'd been mostly invisible in the crowd. Not so here; here, all eyes were on her. The enthusiasm was almost infectious.

She took a deep breath, and as she walked with Besca towards the entrance of the building, she lifted her hand in a cheerful wave. The noise of the crowd swelled as she did. It was almost deafening, and she found her normally solemn face curving into the start of a smile, though there was certainly an element of faraway blankness on her face. It was nice, but also weird.

As much as she liked being around people to some extent, though, having so many looking at her was still just a little uncomfortable. The people on the Aerie hadn't prepared her for anything like this, not at all. So she breathed a sigh of relief as soon as they walked into the hall. People were still looking at her, but they were also going about their normal business, not stopping to cheer for her. It was a little bit more what she was used to. It was nice.

Plus, the head chef was there. And she had a hunch she knew what he was cooking. She really could eat it all week and never get tired of it. There was just something so—

"Oh my gawsh!"

A moment later, she was swept up by Hurricane Mona. Despite herself, she found that fragment of a smile growing to—well, it was small and faint, but it was still a real smile, and she almost unconsciously ran a hand down her braid.

"You've probably heard this a lot recently but I am a huge fan!"

And there was the word. As Mona beckoned her to sit down, she followed suit, taking a seat opposite her and watching as the world went on for a moment more before looking back at her. That elsewhere look in her eyes faded as she, nearly stupefied but still wearing that little smile, softly asked the question that had been on her mind since she'd walked off the elevator outside:

"I have fans?"

Amygdala Circuit

Quinn had only ever ridden the elevator when she was on Ablaze. The only thing she'd ever seen was the cold darkness of the cockpit, and the only reason she'd ever gone to begin with was training, again and again and again.

So she was completely unprepared as the elevator platform dropped down beneath the rim of the Aerie, and the hardlight sheath opened up around them. For just a moment, she was looking through the window of the house by the lake again, and she leaned over the railing, holding out her hand, barely a foot left between her fingers and the channel, almost like should could touch the spreading colors and twirling leaves. "Woooowwwww..."

A moment passed and she regained her balance, eye glimmering as she stared out at the world that was arrayed beneath her. Another unfamiliar feelings flowed through her. She'd been afraid of so much, and for so long, that she'd almost forgotten the feeling that she'd only really felt on one warm afternoon, almost two months ago now. She was nervous, yes. She was nervous, scared, worried. But...

What I'm helping protect...

Descending into the whirlwind of pastel colors as autumn took hold, she felt the heady rush of excitement as well. The flowing, swirling, erupting colors bloomed beneath her, almost like...like...

She hugged Besca tight, and felt a warm tear roll down her cheek as she did. And there were some tears in her voice, it was true. But despite that, it was more than evident that she was undeniably, irrefutably, and deeply happy. "They're like fireworks, Besca."