mdk — Roleplayer Guild

You're right, there's not enough conversation in here! Not yet anyway. Let's fix that! I'm working through everything today, just under halfway done and I need a quick break.... here's what I've got so far. 

@platinumskink
Hey check it out – it’s a stand-on-its-own story! Nice. It’s not, per se, a conventional story – by which I mean, it doesn’t really follow a normal plot arc – and I’m fine with that. You started out with really good descriptive paragraphs, setting a very clear and bleak scene. Plenty of room to do MORE of that, but plenty of room to do LESS, too – not sweating those options, this was a good level. Then, we had the white smoke – a pretty interesting device that’s literally changing the world in an instant, and you described all that pretty well – more on that later – to good effect. Then we have, I’m just going to say Captain Crrrck, and his team arriving and briefly meeting the aliens before departing in peace, with a few hints that this discovery might cause some conflict later.

We didn’t have any conflict in the story itself. and this is certainly not normal for writing, but I’m okay with that. Almost all stories need conflict; this isn’t one of those stories. Anyway the purpose of conflict is usually to bring about change, and you skipped that step in a way that works just fine. Style-wise, this was a little inconsistent, in that I felt like it went from “Pretty outstanding” to “Well, okay” from one part to the next. You started, I think, very strong, and sort of tapered off – like if that super-descriptive treatment you gave the dead city were applied to the Close Encounter of the Crrrrrrrck Kind, it would’ve been….. Idunno, I would’ve liked that. But there were definitely some extremely bright spots here.

Things that didn’t quite work for me: Captain Crrrck and his team don’t really exhibit much character. Their conversation doesn’t really come across as a conversation – it sounds more like an author trying to pass some information to the reader. There’s a hundred ways to skin that cat, and I know you’ve read some of mine – I just leave the reader high and dry and if they can’t figure out what’s going on, that’s their problem. That’s……. probably not the best solution, but I feel like the characters and the conversations are more genuine that way. There’s a balance to be struck and you can find it. 

Also, there’s a thing in the middle of the story (small thing) that I’ve seen you do a bunch before and it always bothers me. It’s this: 
A sharp eye would be able to catch glimmers of green within the rain...

… Which sprouted as soon as it met the surface.

A paragraph break in the middle of a sentence. Look – I play fast and loose with sentence structure and grammar and all that, so I’m maybe not the best person to talk about this! But that bugs me. Not so much because it’s wrong, but because it’s really not accomplishing anything. Do wrong stuff as much as you like, but do it for a reason, I say. 

ANYWAY – I like it. I’m happy to read….. well not a GENERIC story, I mean, hardly that, but a story that could work just as well outside the contest setting. So I’ve rambled on about it for a while. YIKES this got long….. Look, I enjoyed it. I genuinely like this entry.

It’s a very nice portrait of a family in a generally-pleasant situation. I really like the simplicity of it all. Just a man with his memories and his family – that’s plenty. Again, not a whole lot of conflict in the story, but, again, we really didn’t need any for this one. 

That’s not to say that we couldn’t improve a few things. There’s…. sort of an uncomfortable amount of writer-waffling in the telling, though. Like, ‘It made him realize what he had; however, it made him miss what he once kept close to his chest.” Or “Two kids stared out with him, though kids was a harsh term for them.” And others like that. It’s not “WRONG,” and you could certainly mount a convincing defense for each case – it just gets a little unclear from time to time exactly what’s going on. Like, I don’t really know how old the “kids” are. 

Relevant segue – “Kids” and “Husband” are in quotation marks a lot. Why? I gather that “kids” probably refers to how they’re, you know, not really kids anymore – but “husband” is still weird… and either way, better to just be clear about who we’re talking about and what their relationship is, right? Maybe. Maybe not. Your call.

End of the day, this really does feel like a cup of cocoa with granddad, and that’s a good feeling. It’s nicely done.

@Blizz

This is NOT a poem about the seasons! I’m smacking myself for not getting that right away – the colors sorta look like a summer-autumn-winter-spring theme, and I guess, thematically, we’re echoing that a little bit….. But this is about Giant Sequoia trees and the ‘wolf’ is a wildfire. Forest fire. Whatever kind of fire. Very interesting subject, and I think you nailed it in the poetry – and what’s more, the season-esque color formatting adds another interesting comparison.

There are a few lines that aren’t really doing anything – “They soon meet” is just kind of bleh, like….. ‘soon’ is kind of a meaningless word in this context, and ‘meet’ is bland, and when we’re talking about THE WORLD BEING SET ON FIRE, there’s probably a more interesting way to phrase it, right? And shorty after, ‘Yet in such a vile thing there is hope. / The children of the sentinels.’ It’s not a bad couplet at all, really, it’s not --- but in the winter/fire stanza, it’s out of place, AND you’re about to talk about the new hope in the next stanza anyway, so this feels like two lost lines of despair. I really want that despair to get its whole section – I think that’s structurally important.

BUT – flat lines aside, this was a fantastically interesting poem. Very well laid out, extremely strong imagery, and capitalized nicely on the contest theme, adding another layer of depth to the comparison. It’s…. it’s extremely good, really.

Goodness. So what we’ve got here is like….. rom-com minus (mostly) the com, in a frank and honest way that just really works. Straight-up, real-life-ish romance. This is not something I read much, so I’m not gonna comment much on the romantic plot except to say – gosh that felt pretty real. Okay *maybe* a little Gary-Stu in Jeremy’s actions, but only just a little. These feel like human beings doing real human being stuff, and I friggin’ love that. 

It strikes me that you’ve done a remarkable job talking about Jennifer’s occupation. I only know enough about teaching English in Japan to know that this is all extremely plausible – more to the point, your description of the job, laced throughout the story, feels very genuine. And that’s the same feeling I get from, well, EVERYTHING in the story, really, with the exception maybe of pokemon breaks, but then, that’s not because it doesn’t make sense – it’s just a little out-of-the-blue. And even that, like….. they talk later on about how they’re not kids anymore, they have to be more mature and act like adults, which is brilliant because we just saw her literally whipping out a Gameboy instead of talking to him, and she moves past that at the end, like…… do people realize how amazing this character development is? It’s amazing. 

Okay. Okay okay. So I love it, but love isn’t just love, it’s also shameless ridicule and savage overcorrection. Your syntax is pretty sloppy. I’m gonna highlight something at random and oh god it’s exactly the one I was hoping for.

The comforting scent lures Jeremy away from the window and he takes the offered snack, his mind not focused on the shape of the bread, which is a cat.

There’s a fantastic sentence lurking in that quote, but it’s not quite the one you wrote. Might be two sentences, actually….. Point being, here’s this great little detail, and a sincerely human (non-)reaction, and…. It’s relegated to, what, a post-it note at the end of a thought? It’s everywhere though. Really weirdly-patched-together sentences and thoughts…. And sometimes, honestly, it’s drawing me into the story even more – but sometimes it’s distracting. It’s natural, it’s honest, it’s genuine – it’s wrong. Do what you will with that information. I am not ORDERING YOU to go back and ‘fix’ everything – you do it your way and don’t apologize.

Okay, bored of complaining. This was outstanding. You’ve got one really incredible character, one pretty great character, and great interactions. Also, miles and miles of potential in her Nagoya classroom adventures, which could be fun to read. More to the point, you’ve got some crazy-good character development and just all-around good writing. And improper syntax, too, but whatever. This is, like…. Fantastic. Seriously.

more:

@dark wind

Well first of all, the action sequences – cutting down the first demon, climbing, fighting the army, destroying Death – all were very well handled. I think you’ve got that battle pacing down pat, in your own style, that totally kicks ass. That’s all, you know, solid. The overall plot was hard to figure out at first (more on that later), but when it landed – when Triss appeared at the end as the motivation for Kael’s trials – that was a powerful scene. 

The descriptive language really showed up in force. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, a little too much force – that first sentence sets a really steep pace, and it sorta continues on in that vein for the duration. It’s a whole lot of language to say ‘he stabbed the demon.’ WHICH I DO ALL THE TIME – using a lot of language, I mean, not stabbing demons, that’s only on weekends for me. I bring it up as caution because, you know, by and large this is a very action-oriented story – and in an action-oriented story, these heavy sentences can really hold you back. I don’t think it did here, in general. Maybe a spot or two of drag, but I’ll take it, if I get sentences like “he spun the doom of the final two demons.”  That’s gold, is what that is. 

Now… the plot was hard to grasp for a very long time. Not… well, I mean, he’s fighting demons and climbing a mountain and fighting more demons, and that’s all clear enough – and hey, he’s fighting demons, I’ll stick around for that. I think the monkey in the wrench is, there are frequently elements present in the story that aren’t really introduced. Again, I’ll just start with the opening because that’s easy to find…. We open on ‘the black-clad warrior’ killing ‘the horned demon.’ So right off the bat, we ought to be wondering…… what black-clad warrior? Is there a white-clad warrior out there too? What demon, why, where, etc. It’s fine to leave us wondering these things, that’s just an easy example to grab… Maybe a better one, a little later, is ‘that foolish prophecy.’ It’s easy enough to infer that there is a prophecy, and it’s more or less what Kael said… but to spring it suddenly on us at the last minute as, you know, the plot device that made all this possible is like…… Build it up, establish it, and it would be fine. As it is, I’m just not, uh…. Overly fond of how that was delivered, I guess. I dunno. Learning the prophecy just a second before the prophecy comes true makes it sort of a cheap prophecy for the reader.

So, there’s that. It’s a pivotal-moment complaint, so it probably seems like a big deal in my head, but it’s really not – shoot, if you cut/pasted that prophecy up to the top of the story and put it in italics, the whole (perceived) problem is practically gone. That’s how minor this is. I think I’d rather read about the love story than the prophecy anyway – it’s there only briefly before he has to take himself out, which is (as I said before) a really powerful scene depicting a whole lot of internal conflict. I think it gets stronger if we hear more about Triss earlier – she’s sort of sprung upon us just as quickly as the prophecy (though there are hints that someone else is also fighting the great dark, we don’t have any idea how significant she is until the last moments). 

On the whole I like it, and it’s particularly cool throughout. It felt a bit on the rushed side, which, I mean, we get a whole lot of that here, so whatever – short deadlines suck. The crazy-strong imagery and descriptions were rarely a distraction – more typically, they were awesome. And it is definitely that whole ‘rebirth’ theme, like, if Michael Bay directed a movie about springtime or something. Sorry, that was uncalled for, lol…… It’s good writing, is my point, with a thing or two missing that sort of gets in my way when I read. 

Total aside – I just noticed that I took out your apostrophe from the title and made a big deal about it….. and totally didn’t even notice that the entries before and after have apostrophes too, and that they worked just fine, and I’m stupid.

Sad puppy face. You made me sad.

Emotionally speaking, this is amazing. You’re hitting every note – revisiting old places, DOG LOVE hiding his pain, husky snow love, the works. Everything is…. Idunno, RIGHT, I guess. 

I feel slightly and I mean SLIGHTLY dissatisfied by the language used. See, I think (particularly in a story like this) that writing what comes naturally is a great choice, no matter how flowery or plain the sentences look. So I can’t really be all that bothered…. But I can’t help feeling that we’re missing some chances for like an awesome sentence or two, in places like the “Leo loved the snow” paragraph. Because, ultimately, all we really said there was that Leo loved snow, a few different ways – which is fine, except that none of those different ways of saying “Leo loved the snow” were particularly interesting, I guess? Is how I’d phrase that? Like…. An anecdote here, about that time Leo jumped in the snow so deep that he sunk right through and we tried to dig him out but then he popped up like ten feet away with a big grin on his face, or how Leo used to bite big mouthfuls of snow off the ground and throw it up in the air and let it hit him in the face….. SOMETHING, something different, something that shines a light into the awesome history Leo and Narrator have together (like you totally did later on, with the visits to all Leo’s old haunts). I said ‘language’ when I started this point, because the language is really simple and certain words (like snow) get used a whole awful lot, but I’m wrong and stupid for complaining about that – it’s giving the narrator more character and it’s fine and on second thought I like it this way.

Anywho. Emotional powerhouse.  All of the feels. Maybe throw in a little more storytelling in the recollections, because that REALLY gets the nostalgia-juices flowing, but the narrator is more of a character because of how (he?) told it, and if (he?) wouldn’t tell it another way, then so be it.

Well……. Okay, let’s talk about ways the poem-structure helped the message. Starting out with nice, pretty, measured stanzas and rhyming, you set the tone for like this dreamy “It’ll all come later” outlook. Which was great, because then you smashed the living shit out of it in the next portion, with good cause. That bit in the middle, “Unsurrender, Uncompromise” – that’s such a cool pair of words, like, I shouldn’t be losing my mind over two made-up words but I kind of am a little bit. Those are profound imaginary words. I love them.

So the poem structure is helping a little bit. But….. well, you’re not doing much to help the poem structure. AND THAT’S YOUR CALL, AND THAT’S FINE, AND I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. But we started with three-line stanzas and that lasted for, well, a second, and then it just became random. No rhythm, no meter, no regular rhyme scheme, and the only reason it’s bothering me is that sometimes you have these things, and then they just go away. And as much as I think the effect is nice – the breakdown of the fantasy lining up with the breakdown of the structure – it really comes off as just a coincidence. I don’t think that keeping it regular was ever the point, so on some level, I shouldn’t be complaining at all – but it’s souring my impression. I’m the guy who likes perfect meter all the time, this is exactly the sort of thing I complain about, SHUT UP I’M ALLOWED.

I’m not though. Whatever. Look – it’s a solid message and it’s delivered deceptively well. IT DOESN’T HAVE PERFECT METER! But that’s okay, if you want that to be okay. It’s not my kind of poem but I appreciate it anyway.

I freaking love this story. I have literally no complaints about it. Zero. None. Ribbit. This is absolutely goddamn brilliant. The way the frog (who was not always a frog) thinks is simply magical. This is……. This is perfect, froggy sense and nonsense in every respect of both words. It’s profound, it’s stupid, it’s beautiful. Ribbit. I’d talk more about it but there’s nothing more to say….. You nailed it, you freaking nailed it, I love it. Damn, I really want to be constructive here………… Well, screw it, you’ve got this narrative voice thing down so well I should just be taking notes instead.

The rest!

So first things first – it’s certainly a rebirth story, dark and evil sure, but it’s got its own sort of twisted-ly-happy ending for Iliyana. I mean, she’s happy, ish. Maybe someday the whole kingdom can be happy, too – we can dream, right? The ancient one is happy and reborn too, so double credit on the theme. You did a pretty great job through the plot of building up the (unspoken, mostly) dread and danger, and you had a pretty interesting and (I think) positive focus on Iliyana – like at the end, okay, the world is being attacked by an ancient Supervampire, but look how good it makes her feel, even when she’s got nothing. 

There are two prominent things to talk about. The first, in my book anyway, is sort of imperative – when you switched scenes to look at Branimir and his library scene, that doesn’t matter. None of that matters. It’s backstory, sure, and it’s building up parts of the world we wouldn’t see otherwise, shedding light on what’s happening……. But it’s not relevant. At the core, what you wrote here is a story about Iliyana becoming a thrall of her new master, and everything that means for her – I say, just stay focused on that. The whole cutaway is a distraction. There’s nothing wrong with it – but it’s not really doing anything. Of course, if it DID amount to something, then we’d need details like this. But that would have to be in a story about, you know, fighting the ancient monster before it takes over the kingdom – and as it stands now, this isn’t that kind of story. So – as much as I hate that delete key – pretty much that whole scene can just go die. 

The second thing is not an imperative, it’s not a complaint, it’s more….. an observation, really, that you should think about (and anybody else who read the story and happens on this review as well). You chose a very interesting tone of voice. At first, honestly, I hated it. It’s very…. Conversational, I guess, like you were sitting across the table from me and telling me a story face-to-face, instead of writing something in the vein of Lord of the Rings or whatever. And that’s an odd choice for a story like this, because it’s supernatural and spooky and that usually gets a darker voice. You know what though – this works. And ultimately I think it was a good choice here. BUT. The thing to think about is, how to use the ‘tone of voice’ to help your story; not just this story, but all of them in the future. Think of it like the graphics in a videogame – you might have a whimsical tone (like in “I Wasn’t Always a Frog,” above) that could maybe compare to cartoony graphics; or something like Edgar Allen Poe, dark and evil and mysterious, that might correlate to like, Idunno, Dark Souls graphics. This metaphor fell apart…… My point is, your story is the story, and your tone sorta dictates how we as readers experience that story. There are ways to use that to your advantage, no matter what kind of tone you pick; sometimes, if you want to have SUPER SERIOUS atmosphere in the story, you have to sorta channel ‘the spirit of X-Files’ or whatever in your narration. And if you want to tell it in a relatable, conversational sort of way – this way – then ask why, and what you want to do with that style. What do you want us to feel? And capitalize on it.

My last note is sadly negative….. this story (I THINK) really needed some conflict. I think you were feeling that too, and that’s probably why the Branimir part, but it didn’t really come to fruition – and it shouldn’t probably take that long, anyway. We watched Iliyana get too deep and then a switch was flipped, and she was a mind-slave…….. but there wasn’t a whole lot of struggling anywhere, either with her fate (fighting his control) or with the outside world (fighting against the humans). Most stories need conflict and this is one of those stories, I think. It’s okay to think otherwise, though… but that was a problem for me.

Wrapping up with – you wrote interestingly about interesting things. And that’s awesome. Nailed the theme, too. Prominently, cleverly, etc. There are pieces missing from the story, and that happens when huge narratives have to sneak in before the deadline, so whatever, don’t sweat it. Think about things and do stuff, I guess. Shrug. HELPFUL RIGHT?

@flagg

Man, I wish there was more of this. *checks comments* Yep, yep, that’s about what I expected – definitely keep going, you’ve got a good thing here. Going forwards, you definitely want to keep the atmosphere that’s built up so far – calling them ‘Masters of physik’ and ‘chirugens’ and ‘hedge-witches’ and that sort of thing might seem like a small move, but actually it’s world-building, and you’re doing it brilliantly. The expositional parts – mostly just when she ducks out to the library to read about old gods – that’s all woven in exactly as it needs to be. More notably, the characters are just so strong – from bad poetry to Gunslinger Girl, it all feels like real people living in a real (imaginary) world. They fit there. It’s awesome. 

The Grand Inquisitor at the end is a significant character, if not a very major one (yet?), and she needs some more attention, but I don’t feel like I need to suggest anything more than that. Maybe the priest on the mountain, too, for that matter…. Basically just giving everyone the same TLC you gave to the main characters. 

Plot-wise, I mean, you’re on solid ground. I feel like the ground gives way a little early – to really do it justice I’d wanna see her training, her mission, the whole big story. Didn’t happen for totally understandable reasons….. what I’m saying I guess is, in the next draft, go big. Do everything. This is worth it. 

I’m not crazy about the action sequence with the gut bug. Emotionally it was perfect. The focus really wasn’t on the action anyway, it was on Ilyna’s reaction as her fears were all confirmed and her beloved just kinda exploded. Well and good. But stuff like “The monster killed six more men that night, five guards and a viscount….” HUMBUG, you’re just saying that. Let’s have some bloody mess, right? If you don’t want to spend a million years writing the actual fight, then just save the bodycounts for the aftermath, and keep things chaotic and messy in the meantime. Or however you want to play it, just, you know….. I don’t like THAT SPECIFIC way of writing it. Again, clearly, you don’t need a whole lot of input here, so I’m content to simply observe. 

What else to say…. I mean shoot, this is great stuff. Sure it’s a little first-draft-y, but what are you gonna do. I’d keep going on this one. There’s a whole lot of potential in this world, with these characters, with this story. It’s very, very interesting – I care what happens next, which is (I think) the best thing to be said about fiction. Excellent work.
mdk Member

3/4

Status

Recent Statuses

Bio

Most Recent Posts
