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After a few extra drinks bought for her by fans at the bar, Jane had a good buzz on – one good enough to temporarily ease her inner dialogue about the current affairs happening in the band. She hopped up on the stage and greeted the crowd, as always, and let the boys play their minute and a half intro as she drank some water a bobbed along to the beat of the song. This show was like any other one besides two things:
1) The much larger crowd of fans below them
2) The fact that Jane didn’t look behind her once during the performance
The cold shoulder wasn’t supposed to be a “fuck you” to Rob by any means. It was more of a way to keep her focus on the music, the crowd, and the performance, and also not to make things any more awkward and tense than they were already. She could feel his presence behind her, though, like someone repeatedly poking her in the shoulder to get her attention. But she pushed through the show, showing her attention to the crowd of people who paid to see them, and ended with a short sentiment.
“Thank you guys so much for coming out and singing with me. We didn’t expect all the love, but we really appreciate it. We’re In Bloom from Long Beach. Thank you.”
The crowd cheered, and Jane returned the microphone to its wobbly stand before hopping off the stage to catch a breath. Maybe it was the venue, or the large amount of patrons, but the air was warm and humid inside, she felt like she’d nearly faint. One of the water bottles that was half-way full was poured over her head and massaged around with her fingers, the rest of the stray drops dripping down to the ends of her hair and scattering on various parts of her.
One thing Jane had been awful at was interacting with the crowd after a show, usually because all of her energy was given away to the crowd on stage, but it was decided she should do some face time. She took a spot behind a merch table provided by the venue and ran by their new driver, and Jane spent a half an hour greeting people and signing CDs as they were purchased.
It truly all felt so surreal, as if she was watching herself from a corner of the ceiling, and someone else was controlling her down on the ground.
Once they packed up and left the venue, Sam and Austin were going back and forth about what they wanted to do that night. All of them were excited to be in New York City – Jane too – but she couldn’t push herself to want to go out. She just wanted a bath in the roman tub and pass out after a couple of joints and a Xanax she saved for the night before a morning she could sleep in.
“I think I’m gonna stay in tonight, guys,” she squeaked, her voice struggling to make a sound after the performance. “Have fun, though.”
Austin turned around from the passenger seat and gave her an understanding nod.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only moments after arriving to the room, Jane was locked in the shared bathroom, smoking a joint with a speaker playing Alison by Slowdive softly. With closed eyes, her head was resting on the wall of the tub, her face looking upwards, as the warm water soothed her in all aspects – cursing to herself when the water finally turned cold and forced her to leave her sanctuary. The bathroom was foggy, both from steam and smoke, but Jane looked at her reflection momentarily. She slowly reach out to the foggy layer covering the gold-trimmed mirror and drew a happy face where hers would be.
Maybe she smoked too much.
Or maybe Rob would see it and laugh.
Maybe leaving small things like that around would keep her at the forefront of his mind.
She wrapped herself in a white fluffy towel and scurried to her room without looking up to see if she was alone, and once she arrived, Jane closed the door quietly behind her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Half an hour later, Jane’s body was so heavy, she felt as if she’d eventually sink through the plush mattress down to the floor. The Xanax had did its work; her hazy mind had released the problems it had been constantly mulling over. Instead, vapid thoughts of the tour and their growing popularity flashed in front of her like a montage on a projector until her last joint was extinguished in the ashtray on the end table.
Jane was only wearing boy shorts under the fluffy white comforter, and the smooth fabric felt as if it was constricting around her, lulling her to sleep. Some made-for-TV movie was chattering in the background, but she could no longer focus on it. Her eyelids, which felt like weights, began to force themselves shut as her last yawn broke out and sent chills down her spine. One heavy arm slowly grazed the other, up and down, feeling the blonde hairs that stood up. Being alone in the large, fancy bed seemed like a waste of space, so in order to contradict that notion, Jane sprawled out almost as wide as she could, but her short figure was unable to compensate.
Hopefully, she’d get to sleep in past 6:00 AM. Waking up so early, finding something to occupy her mind before the others were up, was tiring in itself. The sedative would allow her to at least sleep until 11 that morning.
Her phone was sitting limply in her hand, and thoughts of texting Rob crossed her mind, but ultimately, Jane came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be a wise choice. In this moment of inebriation, she was probably too vulnerable to attempt to stay sane in front of him. So, instead, she silenced the phone and hugged the comforter that surrounded her with her arms, and eventually drifted off into a heavy, deep slumber.
There were no plans for the band the next day, and Jane had the hopes of convincing Rob to go sightseeing with her. If they were just friends, that meant they should hang out together, right? If she couldn't be intimate with him like she wanted to be, especially after how good he looked as he exited his room earlier, then she needed to at least be close to him. Spend time with him. Talk to him. Gauge where he was at with her. Convince him that he just settling for being "normal" with Jane wasn't going to cut it without, of course, having to confess how she really felt.
1) The much larger crowd of fans below them
2) The fact that Jane didn’t look behind her once during the performance
The cold shoulder wasn’t supposed to be a “fuck you” to Rob by any means. It was more of a way to keep her focus on the music, the crowd, and the performance, and also not to make things any more awkward and tense than they were already. She could feel his presence behind her, though, like someone repeatedly poking her in the shoulder to get her attention. But she pushed through the show, showing her attention to the crowd of people who paid to see them, and ended with a short sentiment.
“Thank you guys so much for coming out and singing with me. We didn’t expect all the love, but we really appreciate it. We’re In Bloom from Long Beach. Thank you.”
The crowd cheered, and Jane returned the microphone to its wobbly stand before hopping off the stage to catch a breath. Maybe it was the venue, or the large amount of patrons, but the air was warm and humid inside, she felt like she’d nearly faint. One of the water bottles that was half-way full was poured over her head and massaged around with her fingers, the rest of the stray drops dripping down to the ends of her hair and scattering on various parts of her.
One thing Jane had been awful at was interacting with the crowd after a show, usually because all of her energy was given away to the crowd on stage, but it was decided she should do some face time. She took a spot behind a merch table provided by the venue and ran by their new driver, and Jane spent a half an hour greeting people and signing CDs as they were purchased.
It truly all felt so surreal, as if she was watching herself from a corner of the ceiling, and someone else was controlling her down on the ground.
Once they packed up and left the venue, Sam and Austin were going back and forth about what they wanted to do that night. All of them were excited to be in New York City – Jane too – but she couldn’t push herself to want to go out. She just wanted a bath in the roman tub and pass out after a couple of joints and a Xanax she saved for the night before a morning she could sleep in.
“I think I’m gonna stay in tonight, guys,” she squeaked, her voice struggling to make a sound after the performance. “Have fun, though.”
Austin turned around from the passenger seat and gave her an understanding nod.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only moments after arriving to the room, Jane was locked in the shared bathroom, smoking a joint with a speaker playing Alison by Slowdive softly. With closed eyes, her head was resting on the wall of the tub, her face looking upwards, as the warm water soothed her in all aspects – cursing to herself when the water finally turned cold and forced her to leave her sanctuary. The bathroom was foggy, both from steam and smoke, but Jane looked at her reflection momentarily. She slowly reach out to the foggy layer covering the gold-trimmed mirror and drew a happy face where hers would be.
Maybe she smoked too much.
Or maybe Rob would see it and laugh.
Maybe leaving small things like that around would keep her at the forefront of his mind.
She wrapped herself in a white fluffy towel and scurried to her room without looking up to see if she was alone, and once she arrived, Jane closed the door quietly behind her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Half an hour later, Jane’s body was so heavy, she felt as if she’d eventually sink through the plush mattress down to the floor. The Xanax had did its work; her hazy mind had released the problems it had been constantly mulling over. Instead, vapid thoughts of the tour and their growing popularity flashed in front of her like a montage on a projector until her last joint was extinguished in the ashtray on the end table.
Jane was only wearing boy shorts under the fluffy white comforter, and the smooth fabric felt as if it was constricting around her, lulling her to sleep. Some made-for-TV movie was chattering in the background, but she could no longer focus on it. Her eyelids, which felt like weights, began to force themselves shut as her last yawn broke out and sent chills down her spine. One heavy arm slowly grazed the other, up and down, feeling the blonde hairs that stood up. Being alone in the large, fancy bed seemed like a waste of space, so in order to contradict that notion, Jane sprawled out almost as wide as she could, but her short figure was unable to compensate.
Hopefully, she’d get to sleep in past 6:00 AM. Waking up so early, finding something to occupy her mind before the others were up, was tiring in itself. The sedative would allow her to at least sleep until 11 that morning.
Her phone was sitting limply in her hand, and thoughts of texting Rob crossed her mind, but ultimately, Jane came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be a wise choice. In this moment of inebriation, she was probably too vulnerable to attempt to stay sane in front of him. So, instead, she silenced the phone and hugged the comforter that surrounded her with her arms, and eventually drifted off into a heavy, deep slumber.
There were no plans for the band the next day, and Jane had the hopes of convincing Rob to go sightseeing with her. If they were just friends, that meant they should hang out together, right? If she couldn't be intimate with him like she wanted to be, especially after how good he looked as he exited his room earlier, then she needed to at least be close to him. Spend time with him. Talk to him. Gauge where he was at with her. Convince him that he just settling for being "normal" with Jane wasn't going to cut it without, of course, having to confess how she really felt.
Rob's words barely registered in Jane's mind as he spoke, but she tried to best to not let everything she was thinking display outwardly. It was if her pride and selfishness was a cage, and her true feelings and sensitivity their prisoner, and she so badly wanted to scream out all of the frustrations she was feeling. As he continued, she picked up on the hurt his tone was laced with, and it completely destroyed her.
So, he wanted her to treat him 'normally.' Jane wasn't sure what normal was anymore. Could he really have just wanted her to continue fucking around? Never touch him again? Never have the nights they've had before? That couldn't be right.
But, instead of trying to argue the point he made, she nodded softly in agreement and hugged him, forcing herself not to squeeze him. Then they went their separate ways, both physically and mentally.
Jane wandered the mall barefoot, using a finger to graze the rows of clothes she walked by. The last thing she felt was hungry, but she forced down a sandwich and some water before heading back to the van and placing herself in the back seat, cigarette smoke pouring out of the opened behind her resting head. If Rob really didn't want her to be around, she wouldn't, but if she would just fucking tell him how she was feeling, there would be no issue.
She just didn't have the courage to let him know that she hurt him for no reason.
------------------------------------------
Jane couldn't help but smirk as Austin swiped two keys from the concierge, but she didn't dare look over at Rob. She could feel the heat of his frustration radiating off of him. "Is it really that bad Rob? I'm not a fucking stranger."
Jane remained silent as they made their way into the room, her head swiveling around to soak in all the amenities. Espresso maker, black marble counters in the small kitchen, large French doors that opened to a patio overlooking the city from fifteen stories high. It had to be the nicest hotel they've stayed in, not only on this tour, but ever, and for a moment, the luxurious apartment made Jane forget about the messiness of her and Rob's relationship until she heard him rustling around behind her.
Quickly turning around, a "Rob, I -" was all she could get out before the door to the first room swung close with a thud. She nodded with pursed lips before approaching the door quietly and leaning her ear to the wood. She heard him get undressed, and her teeth clamped on her bottom lip as she debated on going in or not. But Jane ultimately decided to give him the space he so desperately craved.
"You got it, Rob."
Jane unpacked in the other room as she sang loudly to warm up for the night. A day's rest did her well - her voice almost back to normal - and her mindless singing followed her out into the kitchen as the joint that was planted firmly in her lips puffed like a train engine. She had taken off her shorts and slipped on a pair of boy shorts, along with a big, white tee shirt, but her hair remained sloppily on top of her heard right where she left it, and it bounced around as Jane sang All Apologies by Nirvana and mixed herself a drink.
Orange juice and vodka.
Jane wasn't usually one to drink a corkscrew, but her mouth began to salivate as the idea popped in her head. She was bored. Confused. Emotionally exhausted. Maybe that's why she felt the need to do something as minute as pick a new drink.
She made her way on to the porch with the busy city roaring underneath it, leaning on her free hand as she took a sip of the cocktail. If Rob wanted to be treated 'normally,' then Jane wasn't going to hold herself back. Not in New York City.
But as soon as the selfish thoughts went, her true ones came. She didn't want to sleep with anyone else. To flirt with anyone else. To touch or laugh with anyone else. That proved true with Zack from the bar.
She check the time on her phone, and it was time for them to head over to the venue. Rob was probably asleep since it had been an hour or two since they arrived and she hadn't heard a peep from his room.
Jane approached the door once again, this time lightly knocking. "Rob," she called. "Rob." Nothing. Her small hand slowly turned the ornate lever and pushed the door open to see him laying shirtless under the covers. She sighed and closed her eyes briefly.
"Rob," she shook his muscled arm gently. "Hey, we gotta leave soon," her raspy voice declared softly.
And without waiting for a beckoning that wouldn't come, she left the room without turning back around and closed the door. "Fuck," she whispered as went back to her room to get ready.
Jane took her hair out of the knot and shook it loose; the band she had used created large, messy waves in her long hair. She slipped on a gray, tight body suit - it's front and back both dipping low - and a ripped up pair of shorts over it. She packed her purse with her cigarettes, phone, lighter, and wallet and popped up onto the counter in the kitchen as she waited and finished her third drink.
Jane wasn't sure how the set would go. Perhaps all of this tension was one sided now, and Rob was completely fine letting her go. She didn't have time, though, to dwell on the thought before a text from Austin rang in.
Austin: You guys ready yet?
Jane: Five minutes.
Austin: Rob comes that quick huh?
Jane: Now we're just 'friends.'
Austin: Oh shit.
Jane: Yeah.
"Rob, we gotta go!" Jane called out to the closed door as she hopped off the counter. Hopefully he'd look like shit. Hopefully he'd somehow look so unattractive to her and she wouldn't feel this way anymore.
So, he wanted her to treat him 'normally.' Jane wasn't sure what normal was anymore. Could he really have just wanted her to continue fucking around? Never touch him again? Never have the nights they've had before? That couldn't be right.
But, instead of trying to argue the point he made, she nodded softly in agreement and hugged him, forcing herself not to squeeze him. Then they went their separate ways, both physically and mentally.
Jane wandered the mall barefoot, using a finger to graze the rows of clothes she walked by. The last thing she felt was hungry, but she forced down a sandwich and some water before heading back to the van and placing herself in the back seat, cigarette smoke pouring out of the opened behind her resting head. If Rob really didn't want her to be around, she wouldn't, but if she would just fucking tell him how she was feeling, there would be no issue.
She just didn't have the courage to let him know that she hurt him for no reason.
------------------------------------------
Jane couldn't help but smirk as Austin swiped two keys from the concierge, but she didn't dare look over at Rob. She could feel the heat of his frustration radiating off of him. "Is it really that bad Rob? I'm not a fucking stranger."
Jane remained silent as they made their way into the room, her head swiveling around to soak in all the amenities. Espresso maker, black marble counters in the small kitchen, large French doors that opened to a patio overlooking the city from fifteen stories high. It had to be the nicest hotel they've stayed in, not only on this tour, but ever, and for a moment, the luxurious apartment made Jane forget about the messiness of her and Rob's relationship until she heard him rustling around behind her.
Quickly turning around, a "Rob, I -" was all she could get out before the door to the first room swung close with a thud. She nodded with pursed lips before approaching the door quietly and leaning her ear to the wood. She heard him get undressed, and her teeth clamped on her bottom lip as she debated on going in or not. But Jane ultimately decided to give him the space he so desperately craved.
"You got it, Rob."
Jane unpacked in the other room as she sang loudly to warm up for the night. A day's rest did her well - her voice almost back to normal - and her mindless singing followed her out into the kitchen as the joint that was planted firmly in her lips puffed like a train engine. She had taken off her shorts and slipped on a pair of boy shorts, along with a big, white tee shirt, but her hair remained sloppily on top of her heard right where she left it, and it bounced around as Jane sang All Apologies by Nirvana and mixed herself a drink.
Orange juice and vodka.
Jane wasn't usually one to drink a corkscrew, but her mouth began to salivate as the idea popped in her head. She was bored. Confused. Emotionally exhausted. Maybe that's why she felt the need to do something as minute as pick a new drink.
She made her way on to the porch with the busy city roaring underneath it, leaning on her free hand as she took a sip of the cocktail. If Rob wanted to be treated 'normally,' then Jane wasn't going to hold herself back. Not in New York City.
But as soon as the selfish thoughts went, her true ones came. She didn't want to sleep with anyone else. To flirt with anyone else. To touch or laugh with anyone else. That proved true with Zack from the bar.
She check the time on her phone, and it was time for them to head over to the venue. Rob was probably asleep since it had been an hour or two since they arrived and she hadn't heard a peep from his room.
Jane approached the door once again, this time lightly knocking. "Rob," she called. "Rob." Nothing. Her small hand slowly turned the ornate lever and pushed the door open to see him laying shirtless under the covers. She sighed and closed her eyes briefly.
"Rob," she shook his muscled arm gently. "Hey, we gotta leave soon," her raspy voice declared softly.
And without waiting for a beckoning that wouldn't come, she left the room without turning back around and closed the door. "Fuck," she whispered as went back to her room to get ready.
Jane took her hair out of the knot and shook it loose; the band she had used created large, messy waves in her long hair. She slipped on a gray, tight body suit - it's front and back both dipping low - and a ripped up pair of shorts over it. She packed her purse with her cigarettes, phone, lighter, and wallet and popped up onto the counter in the kitchen as she waited and finished her third drink.
Jane wasn't sure how the set would go. Perhaps all of this tension was one sided now, and Rob was completely fine letting her go. She didn't have time, though, to dwell on the thought before a text from Austin rang in.
Austin: You guys ready yet?
Jane: Five minutes.
Austin: Rob comes that quick huh?
Jane: Now we're just 'friends.'
Austin: Oh shit.
Jane: Yeah.
"Rob, we gotta go!" Jane called out to the closed door as she hopped off the counter. Hopefully he'd look like shit. Hopefully he'd somehow look so unattractive to her and she wouldn't feel this way anymore.
As soon as Jane eyes began fluttering open, a ringing noise hummed in her ears and a headache throbbed, each pulse more painful than the last. “Shit,” she mumbled as she used all her strength to lift her head and squint at the alarm clock across the room. “7:45 AM” blinked repeatedly, large and red, and a groan escaped her lips as forced herself to rise. How’d she get under the covers?
As soon as her body was vertical, nausea bubbled in her stomach, and she sprinted to the bathroom just in time to reach the toilet and dove onto her knees. Jane did her best to hold all of her unruly locks in her small hands as her stomach retched and retched until it was satisfied with what it emptied. Jane’s arm wiped away the saliva on her lips as she plopped down on the tile, the frigid surface causing goosebumps to scatter across the thighs it touched. They were going to kill her if she was too hungover, so Jane decided to run a hot bath to make an attempt to feel better.
Jane stood up and stripped lazily after her fingers worked at the stiff faucet’s nob, throwing her clothes towards the bathroom door, and she slowly sunk into the steaming tub until everything under her chin was submerged. The thought of never having to get out crossed her mind. ”If only it were that easy.” The hot water was soothing her aches and pains, but mentally, it did nothing to calm the madness ensuing inside her. If she could have it her way, in this moment, she’d march down to Rob’s room, kiss him slowly, and show him how she was feeling instead of talking, but that would be regrettable. Jane had done too much damage to simply fix the situation with physical intimacy. Plus, was she really going to drop such a bomb before a 8 hour car ride? No.
She slowly dressed herself in white denim shorts and a tight, black v-neck shirt. Jane watched herself in the mirror as she worked her knotted hair up into a sloppy knot on the top of her head, laughing at how crazy it looked. Her round-frame sunglasses hid the hazel eyes that became puffy from crying and drinking, and she lugged her bag down to the lobby where she saw Austin.
“Dude, I’m so sorry,” she spoke lowly. “I was so fucked up. You didn’t deserve anything I said to you.”
Austin wanted to be mad, but a smile slowly formed on his lips. “You’re right, I don’t. Now, tell me the truth.”
Jane sighed and mumbled something incoherent.
“What was that, J? I couldn’t hear you,” he laughed as he leaned in closer to her.
“Fuck you. I love him, okay?” Jane sighed putting her hands up to the bridge of her nose in embarrassment. A light pink hue appeared on her cheeks. “Don’t fucking say anything, you promise? Now’s not the right time.”
Austin nodded, completely amused by the situation. “I won’t.”
Jane made herself a cup of coffee at the small stand at the concierge desk as Sam passed by to go get the van from the parking lot. “Be right back, guys. Be ready.”
“Got it!” Jane called out as she headed back over to Austin. “Where is Rob’s head at right now?” Jane whispered as she slid closer to him, hoping for some kind of hint about how Rob would be when she saw him.
“I don’t tell either of you what you tell me. It keeps me honest,” he smiled, which made Jane sigh in frustration.
“Fine.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jane was feeling like shit still, so she occupied the furthest row in the back of the van and slept for a good portion of the trip to New York, waking up usually only to chug water or smoke a cigarette or joint. Her and Rob hadn’t even talked that day yet, which made her feel even worse than the hangover was. But as always, Jane’s pride got in the way, and she maintained her silence until her phone rang.
“Hello?” her gravelly voice greeted the unknown caller.
“Jane, Jane Molloy?” A cheery, male voice asked.
Jane’s brows furrowed. “Uh, yes, who’s this?”
“Hey, Jane. My name is John from WRMS 96.5 radio station here in New York City, how are you?”
She said up in her chair abruptly, as if it would make her sound more professional. “Yes, I’m great, thank you. What can I do for you, John?”
“Well, we know you guys are doing three nights here, and I was hoping before your last show on Ground Control, you could do an interview with me here at the station?”
Jane’s eyes widened. “Yeah, man. I don’t see why not! Can you send me the address and the time you want me to be there?”
“Of course,” the chipper man responded. “Check your email in a few. I got it from Harold.”
“Awesome. Thanks, John. Bye.”
Jane hung up the phone and gripped the back of the seat in front of her. “Yo, a radio station wants us to come in for an interview before Ground Control on Friday,” she announced with enthusiasm. “This is crazy. How much longer ‘til we’re in the city, Austin?”
“Two hours,” he called back. “We’re early, so we're gonna pull over to eat.”
“Sounds good,” Jane replied as she fiddled with her phone. She was so excited to be in New York, to see the sights and meet new people, and most importantly, to get her mind off of Rob, although she had a hunch that he had taken a permanent spot.
As soon as her body was vertical, nausea bubbled in her stomach, and she sprinted to the bathroom just in time to reach the toilet and dove onto her knees. Jane did her best to hold all of her unruly locks in her small hands as her stomach retched and retched until it was satisfied with what it emptied. Jane’s arm wiped away the saliva on her lips as she plopped down on the tile, the frigid surface causing goosebumps to scatter across the thighs it touched. They were going to kill her if she was too hungover, so Jane decided to run a hot bath to make an attempt to feel better.
Jane stood up and stripped lazily after her fingers worked at the stiff faucet’s nob, throwing her clothes towards the bathroom door, and she slowly sunk into the steaming tub until everything under her chin was submerged. The thought of never having to get out crossed her mind. ”If only it were that easy.” The hot water was soothing her aches and pains, but mentally, it did nothing to calm the madness ensuing inside her. If she could have it her way, in this moment, she’d march down to Rob’s room, kiss him slowly, and show him how she was feeling instead of talking, but that would be regrettable. Jane had done too much damage to simply fix the situation with physical intimacy. Plus, was she really going to drop such a bomb before a 8 hour car ride? No.
She slowly dressed herself in white denim shorts and a tight, black v-neck shirt. Jane watched herself in the mirror as she worked her knotted hair up into a sloppy knot on the top of her head, laughing at how crazy it looked. Her round-frame sunglasses hid the hazel eyes that became puffy from crying and drinking, and she lugged her bag down to the lobby where she saw Austin.
“Dude, I’m so sorry,” she spoke lowly. “I was so fucked up. You didn’t deserve anything I said to you.”
Austin wanted to be mad, but a smile slowly formed on his lips. “You’re right, I don’t. Now, tell me the truth.”
Jane sighed and mumbled something incoherent.
“What was that, J? I couldn’t hear you,” he laughed as he leaned in closer to her.
“Fuck you. I love him, okay?” Jane sighed putting her hands up to the bridge of her nose in embarrassment. A light pink hue appeared on her cheeks. “Don’t fucking say anything, you promise? Now’s not the right time.”
Austin nodded, completely amused by the situation. “I won’t.”
Jane made herself a cup of coffee at the small stand at the concierge desk as Sam passed by to go get the van from the parking lot. “Be right back, guys. Be ready.”
“Got it!” Jane called out as she headed back over to Austin. “Where is Rob’s head at right now?” Jane whispered as she slid closer to him, hoping for some kind of hint about how Rob would be when she saw him.
“I don’t tell either of you what you tell me. It keeps me honest,” he smiled, which made Jane sigh in frustration.
“Fine.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jane was feeling like shit still, so she occupied the furthest row in the back of the van and slept for a good portion of the trip to New York, waking up usually only to chug water or smoke a cigarette or joint. Her and Rob hadn’t even talked that day yet, which made her feel even worse than the hangover was. But as always, Jane’s pride got in the way, and she maintained her silence until her phone rang.
“Hello?” her gravelly voice greeted the unknown caller.
“Jane, Jane Molloy?” A cheery, male voice asked.
Jane’s brows furrowed. “Uh, yes, who’s this?”
“Hey, Jane. My name is John from WRMS 96.5 radio station here in New York City, how are you?”
She said up in her chair abruptly, as if it would make her sound more professional. “Yes, I’m great, thank you. What can I do for you, John?”
“Well, we know you guys are doing three nights here, and I was hoping before your last show on Ground Control, you could do an interview with me here at the station?”
Jane’s eyes widened. “Yeah, man. I don’t see why not! Can you send me the address and the time you want me to be there?”
“Of course,” the chipper man responded. “Check your email in a few. I got it from Harold.”
“Awesome. Thanks, John. Bye.”
Jane hung up the phone and gripped the back of the seat in front of her. “Yo, a radio station wants us to come in for an interview before Ground Control on Friday,” she announced with enthusiasm. “This is crazy. How much longer ‘til we’re in the city, Austin?”
“Two hours,” he called back. “We’re early, so we're gonna pull over to eat.”
“Sounds good,” Jane replied as she fiddled with her phone. She was so excited to be in New York, to see the sights and meet new people, and most importantly, to get her mind off of Rob, although she had a hunch that he had taken a permanent spot.
Jane felt a presence join her at the table which made her head snap up, and her voice squeaked as she spoke the first word of the day.
“Hey.” Jane forced a smile.
Austin pulled up a chair directly in front of her and plopped down, his facial expression stern and disappointed. “What happened last night?”
“What do you mean?” Jane asked with a quizzical tone. “Everything’s fine.”
Austin shook his head. “He doesn’t seem fine, Jane. I just saw him.”
“I mean, I told him how I felt last night. What I told you. And he was okay with it. I didn’t know – “
“J, you’re not the best at reading people. That, or you don’t care to. But, did you seriously think that you could reject him, and then he’d be fine and dandy? Look, I get you want your best friend back. We do, too. You can’t always get what you want, though. And I know you usually do. No one can say 'no' to you. That’s probably why you thought he was fine.”
Sam joined the table, catching the end of Austin’s explanation. “Yeah,” he joined in. “I just saw him. He looks upset. Locked himself in his hotel room.”
“Fuck,” Jane groaned as she rested her head in her hands, the blonde messy strands of her hair scattering in each direction. “I didn’t spend all the money I had and work this hard to go on a tour where I’d have to deal with all of this bullshit. I just wanna have fun. I wanna enjoy all the attention we’re getting. I wanna – “
“J,” Austin interrupted. “I get it, man. But that means you gotta make a choice.”
She looked up to him, knowing what he was going to say.
“You’re gonna have to choose between doing your thing and losing Rob, or compromising and keeping him in your life.”
Sam nodded in agreement with nothing to add.
Jane sighed. “Fuck this.” She stood up and pushed in her chair, looking down at both of the guys. “I’m not doing this today. I’ll be back later.”
Sam spoke up. “J, why are you lying to yourself? We know you– “
“No,” Jane blurted. “You don’t know anything. Neither of you.” She sharply replied and left the hotel’s breakfast area.
She sloppily packed a bag with a change of clothes, her tooth brush, and whatever items she thought she might need for the full day and sat on her bed for a minute. Jane couldn’t process what everyone wanted from her. Why everyone wanted her to change who she was. The band had no qualms with her antics for the past couple years, but now they wanted her to stop while they were supposed to be having the time of their lives? No. Jane wasn’t going to have that. She wasn’t going to let Rob make her feel bad for who she was. Or Austin and Sam. It wasn’t right of them to pick and choose what parts of her they wanted to accept and wanted her to like. No matter what her true feelings were, Jane wasn’t going to let the three of them keep her from doing what she wanted.
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Hours later, well into the afternoon, Jane was at her fourth bar of the day. It was dimly lit and attracted a sketchy crowd, but she was having a blast. A group she met two bars ago had joined her on her pub crawl, and they were now all shooting shots of Jameson. She was hammered, but the blow they were providing for her kept her lucid for now.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket and her eyes rolled as she read Austin’s name strobing on her screen. Lost by Highly Suspect was playing over the jukebox, and Jane put a finger in her ear so that she could hear him.
“What?” she answered, obviously unamused already by the conversation about to take place.
“J, where the fuck are you? You’ve been gone for hours. We gotta leave early tomorrow,” Austin replied unforgivingly.
“Fuck off, I’ll be back in time,” Jane groaned. Zack, one of the guys she had been flirting with, had walked up behind her and wrapped his hands around her waist and kissed her neck, making her giggle. “Can I go now?”
“Whatever, dude. Bye.” Austin was frustrated, hanging up abruptly.
Jane sighed in relief and turned around to the man behind her. “Give me another line,” she smirked, and Zack took her hand and led her into a bathroom stall of the run-down bar, and once the drugs made their way inside her, she sighed in relief and looked at him as he did his share. Once they both were satisfied, they laughed, and Zack grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her roughly, pushing her up against the stall wall. Jane obliged for a minute or so, but that ball in her chest that she thought had been washed down with all the alcohol she drank and the overwhelming feeling of guilt crashed over her, taking over all of her senses.
She pushed him away. “I-I’m sorry I can’t.” She wiped her mouth with her forearm and looked up to him, and an angry look took over his previously devious expression.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he nearly yelled, going back to kiss her again, resulting in her using more force to get him off of her.
“I’m serious. I’m sorry, I – “
“ – I feed you blow and drinks all day, and you can’t give me anything in return?” He scoffed. “Fuck you.” He stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the stall door behind him, which made Jane jump. As soon as she heard the heavy door swing shut and the music get muffled out, she sank down to the toilet and began sobbing.
All the parts of what had happened over the past few days had begun to come together like puzzle pieces in Jane’s mind. If Rob truly felt about her the way he had expressed, then maybe he didn’t want her to change. Maybe he was ready to except her the way that she was – wild. It wasn’t like he condemned her in any way when he spoke to her. And there she was, coked out in a men’s restroom stall drunk and crying while she hurt the man who confessed all of his feelings for her. The man that part of her knew would never expect her to want to walk down Main Street hand in hand to pick out furniture, or settle down to raise kids or work in an office.
And perhaps that was why he loved her.
“I’m a piece of shit,” she muttered as she hoisted herself up and out of the stall. Jane found a side door that she exited and was immediately blinded by the brightness of the sun setting, and she shielded her eyes as she called a cab to take her back to the hotel. It was only 6:00pm. Jesus, it was only 6:00pm.
After arriving back to her room, Jane tossed her bag haphazardly and plopped down on the plush bed face first, not bothering to get undressed or make her way under the comforter. Her vision was spinning, and she saw that she had left her door wide open. ”Get up, idiot. Close your door.” But all Jane could work up the energy to do was groan as she stared longingly at it, wishing she would see Rob standing there. She was beginning to come down, which she began to feel the effects of. Depression, self-loathing, guilt, the headache. Tears began to flood her eyes again as she gripped her hair and pushed her face into the bed, but she eventually fell into a deep sleep, hoping that she’d have more answers for how to handle the situation when she woke up tomorrow.
“Hey.” Jane forced a smile.
Austin pulled up a chair directly in front of her and plopped down, his facial expression stern and disappointed. “What happened last night?”
“What do you mean?” Jane asked with a quizzical tone. “Everything’s fine.”
Austin shook his head. “He doesn’t seem fine, Jane. I just saw him.”
“I mean, I told him how I felt last night. What I told you. And he was okay with it. I didn’t know – “
“J, you’re not the best at reading people. That, or you don’t care to. But, did you seriously think that you could reject him, and then he’d be fine and dandy? Look, I get you want your best friend back. We do, too. You can’t always get what you want, though. And I know you usually do. No one can say 'no' to you. That’s probably why you thought he was fine.”
Sam joined the table, catching the end of Austin’s explanation. “Yeah,” he joined in. “I just saw him. He looks upset. Locked himself in his hotel room.”
“Fuck,” Jane groaned as she rested her head in her hands, the blonde messy strands of her hair scattering in each direction. “I didn’t spend all the money I had and work this hard to go on a tour where I’d have to deal with all of this bullshit. I just wanna have fun. I wanna enjoy all the attention we’re getting. I wanna – “
“J,” Austin interrupted. “I get it, man. But that means you gotta make a choice.”
She looked up to him, knowing what he was going to say.
“You’re gonna have to choose between doing your thing and losing Rob, or compromising and keeping him in your life.”
Sam nodded in agreement with nothing to add.
Jane sighed. “Fuck this.” She stood up and pushed in her chair, looking down at both of the guys. “I’m not doing this today. I’ll be back later.”
Sam spoke up. “J, why are you lying to yourself? We know you– “
“No,” Jane blurted. “You don’t know anything. Neither of you.” She sharply replied and left the hotel’s breakfast area.
She sloppily packed a bag with a change of clothes, her tooth brush, and whatever items she thought she might need for the full day and sat on her bed for a minute. Jane couldn’t process what everyone wanted from her. Why everyone wanted her to change who she was. The band had no qualms with her antics for the past couple years, but now they wanted her to stop while they were supposed to be having the time of their lives? No. Jane wasn’t going to have that. She wasn’t going to let Rob make her feel bad for who she was. Or Austin and Sam. It wasn’t right of them to pick and choose what parts of her they wanted to accept and wanted her to like. No matter what her true feelings were, Jane wasn’t going to let the three of them keep her from doing what she wanted.
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Hours later, well into the afternoon, Jane was at her fourth bar of the day. It was dimly lit and attracted a sketchy crowd, but she was having a blast. A group she met two bars ago had joined her on her pub crawl, and they were now all shooting shots of Jameson. She was hammered, but the blow they were providing for her kept her lucid for now.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket and her eyes rolled as she read Austin’s name strobing on her screen. Lost by Highly Suspect was playing over the jukebox, and Jane put a finger in her ear so that she could hear him.
“What?” she answered, obviously unamused already by the conversation about to take place.
“J, where the fuck are you? You’ve been gone for hours. We gotta leave early tomorrow,” Austin replied unforgivingly.
“Fuck off, I’ll be back in time,” Jane groaned. Zack, one of the guys she had been flirting with, had walked up behind her and wrapped his hands around her waist and kissed her neck, making her giggle. “Can I go now?”
“Whatever, dude. Bye.” Austin was frustrated, hanging up abruptly.
Jane sighed in relief and turned around to the man behind her. “Give me another line,” she smirked, and Zack took her hand and led her into a bathroom stall of the run-down bar, and once the drugs made their way inside her, she sighed in relief and looked at him as he did his share. Once they both were satisfied, they laughed, and Zack grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her roughly, pushing her up against the stall wall. Jane obliged for a minute or so, but that ball in her chest that she thought had been washed down with all the alcohol she drank and the overwhelming feeling of guilt crashed over her, taking over all of her senses.
She pushed him away. “I-I’m sorry I can’t.” She wiped her mouth with her forearm and looked up to him, and an angry look took over his previously devious expression.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he nearly yelled, going back to kiss her again, resulting in her using more force to get him off of her.
“I’m serious. I’m sorry, I – “
“ – I feed you blow and drinks all day, and you can’t give me anything in return?” He scoffed. “Fuck you.” He stormed out of the bathroom, slamming the stall door behind him, which made Jane jump. As soon as she heard the heavy door swing shut and the music get muffled out, she sank down to the toilet and began sobbing.
All the parts of what had happened over the past few days had begun to come together like puzzle pieces in Jane’s mind. If Rob truly felt about her the way he had expressed, then maybe he didn’t want her to change. Maybe he was ready to except her the way that she was – wild. It wasn’t like he condemned her in any way when he spoke to her. And there she was, coked out in a men’s restroom stall drunk and crying while she hurt the man who confessed all of his feelings for her. The man that part of her knew would never expect her to want to walk down Main Street hand in hand to pick out furniture, or settle down to raise kids or work in an office.
And perhaps that was why he loved her.
“I’m a piece of shit,” she muttered as she hoisted herself up and out of the stall. Jane found a side door that she exited and was immediately blinded by the brightness of the sun setting, and she shielded her eyes as she called a cab to take her back to the hotel. It was only 6:00pm. Jesus, it was only 6:00pm.
After arriving back to her room, Jane tossed her bag haphazardly and plopped down on the plush bed face first, not bothering to get undressed or make her way under the comforter. Her vision was spinning, and she saw that she had left her door wide open. ”Get up, idiot. Close your door.” But all Jane could work up the energy to do was groan as she stared longingly at it, wishing she would see Rob standing there. She was beginning to come down, which she began to feel the effects of. Depression, self-loathing, guilt, the headache. Tears began to flood her eyes again as she gripped her hair and pushed her face into the bed, but she eventually fell into a deep sleep, hoping that she’d have more answers for how to handle the situation when she woke up tomorrow.
Jane’s face reflected her understanding and attentiveness to what Rob was explaining, and for the most part, she agreed with him. Although he was playing it off, Jane knew him too well – her words hurt him. The one thing she was trying to avoid in the first place by telling him how she felt.
”That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
She looked at him and forced a smile. He was right. They were talking like adults, being open and vulnerable, not screaming at each other or avoiding one another. It was, however, extremely out of character for him to be so optimistic. Perhaps he was sparing her from feeling sorry for him. But, in reality, that was not how Jane perceived things at all.
Instead of continuing the conversation, she squeezed the hand that held hers as if to say she acknowledged all that he had told her, and in a slow, fluid motion, she laid back down next to him. Was it wrong to do this to him – to lay so close to the man who just professed his unrequited feelings for her? Yes. Jane wasn’t dense. But, she was selfish in the sense that she would always absorb the comfort she craved, even at an inopportune time. And at that time, the one she found solace in was Rob.
And as she laid on top of him once again, his warm body underneath her small one, another feeling rose up inside of her. That maybe his affection wasn’t unrequited. But Jane’s pride matched her selfishness, and she decided that she couldn’t backpedal now, so instead, she rose quietly and kissed his cheek before returning to her spot and closing her eyes.
The last emotion before she drifted off was the overwhelming sensation that she had possibly just made a huge mistake.
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Due to turning in earlier, Jane’s eyes began to flutter before the sun started rising, and after a few attempts to force herself back to sleep, she accepted that she was awake for the day. She tilted her head up slowly to see Rob still deep in sleep, and a sigh escaped her. The ball in her chest that had formed last night was still there, a deep, heavy weight that made it hard to breathe.
She rose slowly as not to wake him, and as she stood and stretched, her eyes lingered on him, hoping whatever damage her words caused him wasn’t permanent.
After exiting the room quietly, Jane made her way back to hers to shower, change, and grab her longboard. Going out and riding around at 6:00am seemed to be the only resolution in her mind for clearing the thoughts she was having, since it was too early to drink or find anyone for mindless fun. But that sparked another question in Jane’s mind – what does this mean for the rest of the tour? Would it be wrong of her to sleep with someone else? Was he going to sleep with someone else? She basically shot down the notion of them trying to be together, but the thought of seeing him with someone else again was a depressing thought within itself. ”Damn it.”
Jane’s scarred, thin legs pushed her down an empty downtown area as her board hummed on the asphault, and Reflection by Balance and Composure played loudly through her ear buds, a cloud of smoking pouring out of her mouth as she sang along to the lyrics.
If Jane had already agreed to be honest with Rob, would that mean she’d have to come clean to him again? Were these feelings even real, or were they just a product of the conversation they had last night? Nothing seemed clearer to her. If anything, she made things more confusing for herself. She did, however, find a small sense of satisfaction with herself for fighting her urges to do something regrettable with him last night. Her physical attraction to him had been growing day by day, and she nearly had a moment of weakness as she laid with him in his bed.
The sun was beginning to peak over the eastern skyline, and Jane decided it was time for her to return. Her stomach was growling, and she desperately needed coffee. The day ahead was not planned out; their next three shows were in New York City, an eight-hour drive from Raleigh, and could all be done tomorrow. She was almost nervous that they weren’t going to be preoccupied as it’d either leave her with a lot of time with her thoughts or with Rob.
When she arrived back at the hotel, Jane saw that the breakfast had just been put out, and after making a plate and a cup of coffee, she plopped down in a chair at an unoccupied table and picked at the eggs in front of her as her head rested on one of her fists. Maybe the situation would work itself out on its own.
”That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
She looked at him and forced a smile. He was right. They were talking like adults, being open and vulnerable, not screaming at each other or avoiding one another. It was, however, extremely out of character for him to be so optimistic. Perhaps he was sparing her from feeling sorry for him. But, in reality, that was not how Jane perceived things at all.
Instead of continuing the conversation, she squeezed the hand that held hers as if to say she acknowledged all that he had told her, and in a slow, fluid motion, she laid back down next to him. Was it wrong to do this to him – to lay so close to the man who just professed his unrequited feelings for her? Yes. Jane wasn’t dense. But, she was selfish in the sense that she would always absorb the comfort she craved, even at an inopportune time. And at that time, the one she found solace in was Rob.
And as she laid on top of him once again, his warm body underneath her small one, another feeling rose up inside of her. That maybe his affection wasn’t unrequited. But Jane’s pride matched her selfishness, and she decided that she couldn’t backpedal now, so instead, she rose quietly and kissed his cheek before returning to her spot and closing her eyes.
The last emotion before she drifted off was the overwhelming sensation that she had possibly just made a huge mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to turning in earlier, Jane’s eyes began to flutter before the sun started rising, and after a few attempts to force herself back to sleep, she accepted that she was awake for the day. She tilted her head up slowly to see Rob still deep in sleep, and a sigh escaped her. The ball in her chest that had formed last night was still there, a deep, heavy weight that made it hard to breathe.
She rose slowly as not to wake him, and as she stood and stretched, her eyes lingered on him, hoping whatever damage her words caused him wasn’t permanent.
After exiting the room quietly, Jane made her way back to hers to shower, change, and grab her longboard. Going out and riding around at 6:00am seemed to be the only resolution in her mind for clearing the thoughts she was having, since it was too early to drink or find anyone for mindless fun. But that sparked another question in Jane’s mind – what does this mean for the rest of the tour? Would it be wrong of her to sleep with someone else? Was he going to sleep with someone else? She basically shot down the notion of them trying to be together, but the thought of seeing him with someone else again was a depressing thought within itself. ”Damn it.”
Jane’s scarred, thin legs pushed her down an empty downtown area as her board hummed on the asphault, and Reflection by Balance and Composure played loudly through her ear buds, a cloud of smoking pouring out of her mouth as she sang along to the lyrics.
If Jane had already agreed to be honest with Rob, would that mean she’d have to come clean to him again? Were these feelings even real, or were they just a product of the conversation they had last night? Nothing seemed clearer to her. If anything, she made things more confusing for herself. She did, however, find a small sense of satisfaction with herself for fighting her urges to do something regrettable with him last night. Her physical attraction to him had been growing day by day, and she nearly had a moment of weakness as she laid with him in his bed.
The sun was beginning to peak over the eastern skyline, and Jane decided it was time for her to return. Her stomach was growling, and she desperately needed coffee. The day ahead was not planned out; their next three shows were in New York City, an eight-hour drive from Raleigh, and could all be done tomorrow. She was almost nervous that they weren’t going to be preoccupied as it’d either leave her with a lot of time with her thoughts or with Rob.
When she arrived back at the hotel, Jane saw that the breakfast had just been put out, and after making a plate and a cup of coffee, she plopped down in a chair at an unoccupied table and picked at the eggs in front of her as her head rested on one of her fists. Maybe the situation would work itself out on its own.
Jane had been sitting on the floor against the wall with a notebook and her bottle of whiskey for a while now, trying to come up with something decent. She knew the pressure would be on after the tour to write music, and being creative was never usually a challenge, but she was displeased with all that she wrote. The sound of something gliding across the carpet extracted her from her deep focus and startled her slightly. A note. And a key card.
After rising slowly, she picked up the note and fought a smile as she read it, holding the key in her hand. Rob could obviously sense her hesitation, but he was trying like just she had always desired. She ran over to the small table near the window, rolled a joint quickly as if it took no thought, and left her room to find his.
She paused in front of the gold-painted door and squeezed her eyes shut. What was waiting behind it was a mystery. Jane didn’t know what would happen or where their conversations would lead, but she couldn’t run from it forever. That she knew. The dream of never having to work through what happened between them wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t right either.
A deep breath later, the key card was entered. Beep, click, green blinking light. She slowly opened the door to see Rob asleep on of the two beds in the room, in a position as if drifting off wasn’t his plan. Jane smiled and quietly crept towards the bed and sat at the edge, not disturbing him, and as she watched him momentarily, she mustered up all the courage she could and moved towards him, wiggling her body up next to his.
“Hey,” she whispered. “Hey, Rob. Wake up.” A hand patted his chest until he began to stir. Instead of getting up, she laid on him for a moment, hand still on his chest, as if to soak up whatever she could before they had to speak. He seemed to approve for now, and Jane was allowed to lay there for a few minutes in silence. It calmed her. It made her question what she was so afraid to talk about. Rob was her best friend. She could always talk to him.
Jane sat up, turned her body, and sat crisscross to look at him, but her eyes, for now, remained on the nail her fingers were picking at. “Rob…” she started, deciding how to choose her words, “I, uh, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging the other night. I,” she paused for a moment and moved her eyes up to his, “I really appreciate you being honest with me. I know I pushed you to a point to where you didn’t really have a choice, but,” she laughed and looked away again. Her voice was quiet and hoarse, as if a gentle tone would somehow make it easier on the both of them. “You’re so funny, smart, talented, attractive, caring… You deserve someone who’s gonna take care of you. Someone who wants to settle down one day. Have kids. Do adult shit.” A frown made it's way across her mouth. “You know that’s not me. It never was. Probably never will be. And that's why I can’t wrap my brain around why you feel about me the way you do.”
She ran her fingers through her hair before meeting Rob’s gaze and sighed, tilting her head slightly to the side. It was hard to read how he was feeling. “I love you so much, Rob. I do. You’ve been my best friend for years. You’ve always been there for me. I never want that to change. I… I’m just worried that if we, you know, explore things,” her voice trailed off as her eyes lingered on his lips for a moment.
“Stop it, Jane,” she mentally disciplined herself, diverting her eyes back up to his once again. The dark orbs did not show a hint of anger or disapproval as far as she could tell.
“I don’t wanna break your heart. I don’t wanna hurt you. I would never want you to hate me. That would kill me. Its just – I hear that’s what I do, you know?” Jane chewed on her lip, a sign of being distraught. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say this. It was just a lot. I don’t know if these are new feelings for you or I’ve just been oblivious,” she admitted with a chuckle as she reached for the joint tucked behind her ear and lit it, releasing a large cloud into the air above them, and ultimately passing it to him.
Jane had to let him talk, too. She developed a habit of running away after saying how she felt. Never letting anyone hurt her with their words. But, she knew she couldn’t do that anymore. Not with Rob. He wasn’t going to hurt her. He wouldn't.
After rising slowly, she picked up the note and fought a smile as she read it, holding the key in her hand. Rob could obviously sense her hesitation, but he was trying like just she had always desired. She ran over to the small table near the window, rolled a joint quickly as if it took no thought, and left her room to find his.
She paused in front of the gold-painted door and squeezed her eyes shut. What was waiting behind it was a mystery. Jane didn’t know what would happen or where their conversations would lead, but she couldn’t run from it forever. That she knew. The dream of never having to work through what happened between them wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t right either.
A deep breath later, the key card was entered. Beep, click, green blinking light. She slowly opened the door to see Rob asleep on of the two beds in the room, in a position as if drifting off wasn’t his plan. Jane smiled and quietly crept towards the bed and sat at the edge, not disturbing him, and as she watched him momentarily, she mustered up all the courage she could and moved towards him, wiggling her body up next to his.
“Hey,” she whispered. “Hey, Rob. Wake up.” A hand patted his chest until he began to stir. Instead of getting up, she laid on him for a moment, hand still on his chest, as if to soak up whatever she could before they had to speak. He seemed to approve for now, and Jane was allowed to lay there for a few minutes in silence. It calmed her. It made her question what she was so afraid to talk about. Rob was her best friend. She could always talk to him.
Jane sat up, turned her body, and sat crisscross to look at him, but her eyes, for now, remained on the nail her fingers were picking at. “Rob…” she started, deciding how to choose her words, “I, uh, I didn’t mean to leave you hanging the other night. I,” she paused for a moment and moved her eyes up to his, “I really appreciate you being honest with me. I know I pushed you to a point to where you didn’t really have a choice, but,” she laughed and looked away again. Her voice was quiet and hoarse, as if a gentle tone would somehow make it easier on the both of them. “You’re so funny, smart, talented, attractive, caring… You deserve someone who’s gonna take care of you. Someone who wants to settle down one day. Have kids. Do adult shit.” A frown made it's way across her mouth. “You know that’s not me. It never was. Probably never will be. And that's why I can’t wrap my brain around why you feel about me the way you do.”
She ran her fingers through her hair before meeting Rob’s gaze and sighed, tilting her head slightly to the side. It was hard to read how he was feeling. “I love you so much, Rob. I do. You’ve been my best friend for years. You’ve always been there for me. I never want that to change. I… I’m just worried that if we, you know, explore things,” her voice trailed off as her eyes lingered on his lips for a moment.
“Stop it, Jane,” she mentally disciplined herself, diverting her eyes back up to his once again. The dark orbs did not show a hint of anger or disapproval as far as she could tell.
“I don’t wanna break your heart. I don’t wanna hurt you. I would never want you to hate me. That would kill me. Its just – I hear that’s what I do, you know?” Jane chewed on her lip, a sign of being distraught. “I’m sorry it took me so long to say this. It was just a lot. I don’t know if these are new feelings for you or I’ve just been oblivious,” she admitted with a chuckle as she reached for the joint tucked behind her ear and lit it, releasing a large cloud into the air above them, and ultimately passing it to him.
Jane had to let him talk, too. She developed a habit of running away after saying how she felt. Never letting anyone hurt her with their words. But, she knew she couldn’t do that anymore. Not with Rob. He wasn’t going to hurt her. He wouldn't.
Good for you! Enjoy your break :)
Boop
Good day, everyone! I am looking for a male character (Character B) to play against mine in the plot hidden below. It’s a very rough idea that I’d like to work with someone on. :)
Now, I must mention that usually slice of life roleplays don't don't hold my interest. I can't just write about day-to-day activities like getting coffee and reading a book, so I'd love to work with someone creative enough to give this some spice, as that will be my goal. Plot twists, raw emotion, imperfections, etc.
REQUIREMENTS:
* Be an advanced writer. I am looking for someone who can produce 4-5+ quality paragraphs per post. (Feel free to look at my current RPs in my bio to see how I like to write.) I want to dig deep and really make it an emotional roller coaster.
* Be over the age of 19.
* Be okay with no smut. Fade-to-black only.
* Be willing to contribute to the plot and help the story develop. OOC chatter via PMs for plotting.
* No anime for character sheets if we do them.
* Be able to post every 1-2 days.
* BE NICE AND COOL AND AWESOME :-) I like to chat a lot and get to know the person I'm working with, so be prepared for some questions about who you are, what you do when you're not on the guild, etc.
*If this particular plot doesn't tickle your fancy, check out my general interest check! I'm open to hear your ideas as well. :)
Now, I must mention that usually slice of life roleplays don't don't hold my interest. I can't just write about day-to-day activities like getting coffee and reading a book, so I'd love to work with someone creative enough to give this some spice, as that will be my goal. Plot twists, raw emotion, imperfections, etc.
REQUIREMENTS:
* Be an advanced writer. I am looking for someone who can produce 4-5+ quality paragraphs per post. (Feel free to look at my current RPs in my bio to see how I like to write.) I want to dig deep and really make it an emotional roller coaster.
* Be over the age of 19.
* Be okay with no smut. Fade-to-black only.
* Be willing to contribute to the plot and help the story develop. OOC chatter via PMs for plotting.
* No anime for character sheets if we do them.
* Be able to post every 1-2 days.
* BE NICE AND COOL AND AWESOME :-) I like to chat a lot and get to know the person I'm working with, so be prepared for some questions about who you are, what you do when you're not on the guild, etc.
*If this particular plot doesn't tickle your fancy, check out my general interest check! I'm open to hear your ideas as well. :)
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