Thanks, i feel the same way! :)
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Cameron’s eyes widened at Justin’s words. “Are you crazy? Who the hell knows what they’ll do if…” her voice trailed off into silence as she began to realize that he was probably right. Reasons like this is why she was so incredibly drawn to him and Omega: they were more selfless than any other group she had met.
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath before nodding to him. “You’re right,” said Cameron in a low, quiet voice. A grunt escaped her as she pushed herself off the crouched position she had taken on the floor, and before looking up, she dusted herself off. “Fine,” she announced sternly, running her fingers through her hair to give her a better view of the Southwright’s group before them.
Cameron turned back to look at Sam and Connor behind her, who nodded solemnly in approval, and took the gun back that she had armed herself with only minutes ago. Once again facing the mysterious group, she cupped her mouth to call out to them again. “We will surrender peacefully if you leave them be.” She raised her hands in the air and forced her boots to carry her forward towards them, unsure of what was to come of it.
As soon as she was half way between each party, two men approached her and grasped each of her arms and brought loaded her into one of the helicopters, then they went for Justin.
Even the severity of the situation couldn’t keep her from being in awe of the machine that now surrounded her. The vibration of it underneath her, the black interior that was cold to the touch, the wires and switches that fell out in tangles in the cockpit. They sat her down in a seat and strapped her in, then securing her wrists in front of her with a zip tie, so tightly that she winced as they locked it in place.
Once Justin joined her, the helicopter began to lift off the ground, making her heart race faster and faster as they climbed into the sky. She craned her neck to look out the window behind her, audibly gasping as she looked down at the city far below them. It was like nothing she had ever seen before, and the sight alone was making her eyes water.
If anything, it was a nice distraction from reality: that they were once again prisoners to an unknown, violent party, with no certainty as to how they’d be treated, or what they even wanted from them.
Once noticing that the other men in the helicopter were preoccupied, Cameron turned to Justin and leaned her head in close so that they wouldn’t hear her. “What do you think they want with us?” Her eyes darted around to make sure they weren’t listening. “If Avery is involved, how would she have known that we were here?”
“Hey!” one of the men toting an assault rifle barked at them. “No talking. Save it for when we land.”
Cameron rolled her eyes and slumped down in her seat. Whatever was going on, it didn’t look good for either of them.
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath before nodding to him. “You’re right,” said Cameron in a low, quiet voice. A grunt escaped her as she pushed herself off the crouched position she had taken on the floor, and before looking up, she dusted herself off. “Fine,” she announced sternly, running her fingers through her hair to give her a better view of the Southwright’s group before them.
Cameron turned back to look at Sam and Connor behind her, who nodded solemnly in approval, and took the gun back that she had armed herself with only minutes ago. Once again facing the mysterious group, she cupped her mouth to call out to them again. “We will surrender peacefully if you leave them be.” She raised her hands in the air and forced her boots to carry her forward towards them, unsure of what was to come of it.
As soon as she was half way between each party, two men approached her and grasped each of her arms and brought loaded her into one of the helicopters, then they went for Justin.
Even the severity of the situation couldn’t keep her from being in awe of the machine that now surrounded her. The vibration of it underneath her, the black interior that was cold to the touch, the wires and switches that fell out in tangles in the cockpit. They sat her down in a seat and strapped her in, then securing her wrists in front of her with a zip tie, so tightly that she winced as they locked it in place.
Once Justin joined her, the helicopter began to lift off the ground, making her heart race faster and faster as they climbed into the sky. She craned her neck to look out the window behind her, audibly gasping as she looked down at the city far below them. It was like nothing she had ever seen before, and the sight alone was making her eyes water.
If anything, it was a nice distraction from reality: that they were once again prisoners to an unknown, violent party, with no certainty as to how they’d be treated, or what they even wanted from them.
Once noticing that the other men in the helicopter were preoccupied, Cameron turned to Justin and leaned her head in close so that they wouldn’t hear her. “What do you think they want with us?” Her eyes darted around to make sure they weren’t listening. “If Avery is involved, how would she have known that we were here?”
“Hey!” one of the men toting an assault rifle barked at them. “No talking. Save it for when we land.”
Cameron rolled her eyes and slumped down in her seat. Whatever was going on, it didn’t look good for either of them.
”I can’t think straight, J.”
Even through a mumbled sentence, Jane could hear the exhaustion in his voice and immediately regretted the timing she had chosen to lay all of this on him. It was selfish, she realized, because at that moment, she hadn’t cared if he was ready to take it all in or not, she just needed to get it off of her chest. She sighed and gazed back up to the ceiling, blinking away the blurriness the tears had created.
”I love you.”
It was a whisper but, did he say what she thought he just said?
”Why the fuck did I take this long to say it?”
Jane’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as she looked above her, almost too in shock to turn over and look at him. She had grown used to the silence from Rob and the uncertainty of his feelings towards her, so much so that his words were a complete surprise.
But, like Jane had wondered many times before, had she pushed him to say something he didn’t truly mean? Yeah, of course he loved her. But she had always assumed that love was similar to the love she had for Austin. A deep friendship that had stood the test of time. But still, he had never verbalized it. But now, Jane was crying in his bunk, choosing words that made things between them sound hopeless, which didn’t seem too far from the truth, but maybe she could have spared him some of the details.
“Rob,” she began in a hoarse, half-whisper, “you don’t have to say – “
He was out cold. Jane stretched out an arm and snapped her finger a few inches from his face.
Nothing.
“Jesus, Rob,” she whispered as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. Well, now what? How was she supposed to go on with her day without any clarity on what just happened?
Jane groaned as she forced herself up to dig through her pile of clothes to locate the cracked iPhone. After mumbling something about doing laundry, she plopped down on the couch and worked on a group text to Andy and Austin.
Jane, 10:58 am: Can you guys meet me outside for a cigarette?
Andy, 11:00am: Be right there.
A few minutes passed, but soon, all three stood in the chilly morning air in between the busses, each one hugging themselves to retain body heat.
Austin was the first to speak up. “What’s wrong, J? Looks like you saw a ghost.” He looked to Andy and they both chuckled quietly.
“I, um,” Jane stuttered as smoke poured out of her mouth, “have you guys ever taken Ambien?”
Andy laughed. “I took two once and woke up naked in my living room. No idea how I got there.”
Jane scratched at her head. “Alright.”
“Why?” Austin stepped closer. “What did Rob do?”
Jane shook her head. “Nothing, nothing. He’s just… out of it.”
Andy squinted his eyes at her, but chose to keep quiet for the time being. “What are you guys doing before the show?”
Austin shrugged. “A girl wanted to meet downtown at, like, three. Other than that, nothing.”
Jane shook her head. “No plans. I wanted to hang out with Rob, but I don’t know when he’ll be awake.” As she was subconsciously picking at the skin around her nails, Andy’s hand reached over and grabbed one of hers to stop her. She looked down to see her thumb forming a small bubble of blood, to which she only sighed as they held eye contact. They had grown close enough to where she knew she couldn’t hide things from Andy any longer. Jane nodded at him subtly, and he nodded back. They would talk later.
“Well,” Andy rubbed his hands together. “Why don’t we get a drink somewhere before the show or something?”
“Sounds good, man,” Austin replied as he slapped Andy’s hand, then moved to kiss Jane’s forehead. “I’ll catch you guys later.”
Jane waved, then looked up to Andy. “Go ahead.”
“What happened?” he asked as he put both hands on her shoulders. “What did he do?”
“I mean, I went in there half expecting things to be over, then he… he told me he loved me, then passed out again. I don’t know if all the things I said made him feel the need to say such a thing, but man, I’m fucking confused.” Jane lit another cigarette and puffed feverishly on it, letting out short, fragmented clouds due to her teeth chittering together. “I don’t know why I’m being so dramatic. It’s just, I couldn’t talk to him after that. And I didn’t expect it. And…”
Andy pulled her in and hugged her. “Just breathe, Jane. It wasn’t the worst thing that coulda happened, right?” His fingertips grazed the top of her head softly.
“You’re right,” she mumbled into his chest. “I’m probably gonna wait around until he’s up. I’ll meet you and Austin later, yeah?”
He nodded and squeezed her tightly before letting her free. “Yeah. See you later.”
Four joints, three beers, half of a book, a shower, and a multitude of cigarettes later, Jane opted to lay down for a nap, but instead of climbing into her designated spot, she crawled into Rob’s bunk gently so that she wouldn’t wake him. After taking a few seconds to listen to his breathing, Jane wiggled herself into a comfortable position and let her eyes flutter shut. Hopefully soon, Rob would wake up, and she’d be able to get a better grip on the situation. But, in the back of Jane’s mind was another desire that she feared would overpower the logical one.
”No, Jane. When he wakes up, you talk to him. That’s it.”
Something about what Rob said, even if he didn’t mean it, somehow still triggered Jane’s sensual side. His approached at least seemed honest enough.
An hour or two later, Jane awoke to motion behind her, and almost immediately, she flipped over and began to kiss Rob’s neck and collarbones. “Hey,” she whispered against his skin, “welcome back.”
Jane paused for a moment as her conscious spoke to her: ”Stop it, Jane.”
But, she was past the point of no return. “Rob,” she whispered again, this time looking down at him. “I wanna pick up where we left earlier and talk, but not right now.” Without breaking eye contact, and arm reached over and closed the bunks curtain to the side of them before she leaned in to kiss him.
Jane laid on Rob’s chest in silence, her fingers lightly grazing his chest. She was starting to think bringing anything up at all would only ruin the moment, but she knew it was probably her distaste for confrontation swaying her. She swallowed, then propped herself up on an elbow to look at it. “So,” she cleared her throat, “earlier, when – “
Her phone began to vibrate underneath her, and once she found it, she saw Austin’s name blinking on the screen. “Fuck,” she whispered as before answering the call. “Hey, Aust.”
“Hey, we’re meeting outside in five. A cab should be there already.”
“Uh, yeah. Okay, I’ll be out in a sec.” Jane hung up and sighed in frustration. “I promised them I’d go grab a drink before the set. How ‘bout I text you the address of wherever we meet up, and if you wanna, you can come by when you’re ready?” Without waiting for an answer, Jane kissed his forehead and pushed herself up. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and after looking both ways to see the empty van, her nude form popped out from the bunk, grabbed her clothes from hers, and dashed into the bathroom.
A few minutes later, she reappeared, crouching down next to Rob. “I get it if you don’t want to, but it’d be nice for you to come. It’ll just be Andy, Austin and I.” She faintly smiled and squeezed his hand, then she was off.
Jane’s fingers quickly typed out the address to the bar downtown and sent it to Rob before stuffing the phone inside her purse.
“Zoe and I hooked up again,” Andy admitted as he rubbed his temples.
Austin and Jane both looked at each other with wide eyes, then back to Andy himself. “Are you serious?” Jane asked first.
“Yeah, this morning. One minute we were yelling at each other, and the next…” Andy shook his head. “Probably wasn’t the best idea, but with everything going on, I think she just needed someone.”
Austin laughed. “What did Rob do to her?”
Andy shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “No clue. She won’t talk about it. All I know is she’s upset.”
Jane somehow felt responsible for it all – Rob ending things with Zoe, how much of a wreck he must’ve been to take three Ambien, for Andy and Zoe hooking up again. What was she doing to everyone?
“It’s like a fishbowl! Soon Zoe and Jane are gonna be together,” Austin said as he ruffled her hair, and she punched his arm in return.
“Fuck off,” Jane rolled her eyes. “Andy probably has a better chance with Rob.”
Andy smirked. “Don’t tempt me with a good time. Speaking of, is Rob coming?”
“I asked him to. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him,” Jane mumbled as she took a sip of her drink. She was starting to feel guilty for that – for giving in to her vices instead of using the time wisely – but it was too late for that now. Plus, Rob knew it was a form of expression for her, right? “I hope he does.”
Even through a mumbled sentence, Jane could hear the exhaustion in his voice and immediately regretted the timing she had chosen to lay all of this on him. It was selfish, she realized, because at that moment, she hadn’t cared if he was ready to take it all in or not, she just needed to get it off of her chest. She sighed and gazed back up to the ceiling, blinking away the blurriness the tears had created.
”I love you.”
It was a whisper but, did he say what she thought he just said?
”Why the fuck did I take this long to say it?”
Jane’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets as she looked above her, almost too in shock to turn over and look at him. She had grown used to the silence from Rob and the uncertainty of his feelings towards her, so much so that his words were a complete surprise.
But, like Jane had wondered many times before, had she pushed him to say something he didn’t truly mean? Yeah, of course he loved her. But she had always assumed that love was similar to the love she had for Austin. A deep friendship that had stood the test of time. But still, he had never verbalized it. But now, Jane was crying in his bunk, choosing words that made things between them sound hopeless, which didn’t seem too far from the truth, but maybe she could have spared him some of the details.
“Rob,” she began in a hoarse, half-whisper, “you don’t have to say – “
He was out cold. Jane stretched out an arm and snapped her finger a few inches from his face.
Nothing.
“Jesus, Rob,” she whispered as she rubbed the bridge of her nose. Well, now what? How was she supposed to go on with her day without any clarity on what just happened?
Jane groaned as she forced herself up to dig through her pile of clothes to locate the cracked iPhone. After mumbling something about doing laundry, she plopped down on the couch and worked on a group text to Andy and Austin.
Jane, 10:58 am: Can you guys meet me outside for a cigarette?
Andy, 11:00am: Be right there.
A few minutes passed, but soon, all three stood in the chilly morning air in between the busses, each one hugging themselves to retain body heat.
Austin was the first to speak up. “What’s wrong, J? Looks like you saw a ghost.” He looked to Andy and they both chuckled quietly.
“I, um,” Jane stuttered as smoke poured out of her mouth, “have you guys ever taken Ambien?”
Andy laughed. “I took two once and woke up naked in my living room. No idea how I got there.”
Jane scratched at her head. “Alright.”
“Why?” Austin stepped closer. “What did Rob do?”
Jane shook her head. “Nothing, nothing. He’s just… out of it.”
Andy squinted his eyes at her, but chose to keep quiet for the time being. “What are you guys doing before the show?”
Austin shrugged. “A girl wanted to meet downtown at, like, three. Other than that, nothing.”
Jane shook her head. “No plans. I wanted to hang out with Rob, but I don’t know when he’ll be awake.” As she was subconsciously picking at the skin around her nails, Andy’s hand reached over and grabbed one of hers to stop her. She looked down to see her thumb forming a small bubble of blood, to which she only sighed as they held eye contact. They had grown close enough to where she knew she couldn’t hide things from Andy any longer. Jane nodded at him subtly, and he nodded back. They would talk later.
“Well,” Andy rubbed his hands together. “Why don’t we get a drink somewhere before the show or something?”
“Sounds good, man,” Austin replied as he slapped Andy’s hand, then moved to kiss Jane’s forehead. “I’ll catch you guys later.”
Jane waved, then looked up to Andy. “Go ahead.”
“What happened?” he asked as he put both hands on her shoulders. “What did he do?”
“I mean, I went in there half expecting things to be over, then he… he told me he loved me, then passed out again. I don’t know if all the things I said made him feel the need to say such a thing, but man, I’m fucking confused.” Jane lit another cigarette and puffed feverishly on it, letting out short, fragmented clouds due to her teeth chittering together. “I don’t know why I’m being so dramatic. It’s just, I couldn’t talk to him after that. And I didn’t expect it. And…”
Andy pulled her in and hugged her. “Just breathe, Jane. It wasn’t the worst thing that coulda happened, right?” His fingertips grazed the top of her head softly.
“You’re right,” she mumbled into his chest. “I’m probably gonna wait around until he’s up. I’ll meet you and Austin later, yeah?”
He nodded and squeezed her tightly before letting her free. “Yeah. See you later.”
*****
Four joints, three beers, half of a book, a shower, and a multitude of cigarettes later, Jane opted to lay down for a nap, but instead of climbing into her designated spot, she crawled into Rob’s bunk gently so that she wouldn’t wake him. After taking a few seconds to listen to his breathing, Jane wiggled herself into a comfortable position and let her eyes flutter shut. Hopefully soon, Rob would wake up, and she’d be able to get a better grip on the situation. But, in the back of Jane’s mind was another desire that she feared would overpower the logical one.
”No, Jane. When he wakes up, you talk to him. That’s it.”
Something about what Rob said, even if he didn’t mean it, somehow still triggered Jane’s sensual side. His approached at least seemed honest enough.
An hour or two later, Jane awoke to motion behind her, and almost immediately, she flipped over and began to kiss Rob’s neck and collarbones. “Hey,” she whispered against his skin, “welcome back.”
Jane paused for a moment as her conscious spoke to her: ”Stop it, Jane.”
But, she was past the point of no return. “Rob,” she whispered again, this time looking down at him. “I wanna pick up where we left earlier and talk, but not right now.” Without breaking eye contact, and arm reached over and closed the bunks curtain to the side of them before she leaned in to kiss him.
*****
Jane laid on Rob’s chest in silence, her fingers lightly grazing his chest. She was starting to think bringing anything up at all would only ruin the moment, but she knew it was probably her distaste for confrontation swaying her. She swallowed, then propped herself up on an elbow to look at it. “So,” she cleared her throat, “earlier, when – “
Her phone began to vibrate underneath her, and once she found it, she saw Austin’s name blinking on the screen. “Fuck,” she whispered as before answering the call. “Hey, Aust.”
“Hey, we’re meeting outside in five. A cab should be there already.”
“Uh, yeah. Okay, I’ll be out in a sec.” Jane hung up and sighed in frustration. “I promised them I’d go grab a drink before the set. How ‘bout I text you the address of wherever we meet up, and if you wanna, you can come by when you’re ready?” Without waiting for an answer, Jane kissed his forehead and pushed herself up. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, and after looking both ways to see the empty van, her nude form popped out from the bunk, grabbed her clothes from hers, and dashed into the bathroom.
A few minutes later, she reappeared, crouching down next to Rob. “I get it if you don’t want to, but it’d be nice for you to come. It’ll just be Andy, Austin and I.” She faintly smiled and squeezed his hand, then she was off.
*****
Jane’s fingers quickly typed out the address to the bar downtown and sent it to Rob before stuffing the phone inside her purse.
“Zoe and I hooked up again,” Andy admitted as he rubbed his temples.
Austin and Jane both looked at each other with wide eyes, then back to Andy himself. “Are you serious?” Jane asked first.
“Yeah, this morning. One minute we were yelling at each other, and the next…” Andy shook his head. “Probably wasn’t the best idea, but with everything going on, I think she just needed someone.”
Austin laughed. “What did Rob do to her?”
Andy shrugged and took a sip of his beer. “No clue. She won’t talk about it. All I know is she’s upset.”
Jane somehow felt responsible for it all – Rob ending things with Zoe, how much of a wreck he must’ve been to take three Ambien, for Andy and Zoe hooking up again. What was she doing to everyone?
“It’s like a fishbowl! Soon Zoe and Jane are gonna be together,” Austin said as he ruffled her hair, and she punched his arm in return.
“Fuck off,” Jane rolled her eyes. “Andy probably has a better chance with Rob.”
Andy smirked. “Don’t tempt me with a good time. Speaking of, is Rob coming?”
“I asked him to. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him,” Jane mumbled as she took a sip of her drink. She was starting to feel guilty for that – for giving in to her vices instead of using the time wisely – but it was too late for that now. Plus, Rob knew it was a form of expression for her, right? “I hope he does.”
Howdy!! So you'll have to give me a day or two for this next post. I've been thinking about what direction I wanna take it and I've been getting stumped. Thanks, as always, for your patience :)
Hope all is well!
Hope all is well!
Jane winced as Rob confirmed her fears of him seeing Andy in her bunk the night before. Embarrassment wasn’t something she was too familiar with, but she recognized the feeling as it sunk into her chest, making the tension seem to thicken as the seconds passed. It had obviously bothered him to the point of doing something to numb his emotions – something she was familiar with. But, he had to know she wouldn’t be that blatant on purpose…right?
As he continued to speak, Jane’s nervousness evolved to a much more morose energy. They were completely wearing each other out, and she had no inkling as to what the solution would be. Every time they tried to do right by one another, it seemed to set them back further. If one was happy, the other was miserable. The both resorted to their vices to deal with their emotions instead of trying to work through it together.
Everything was fucked. And in a way, it always had been.
But now, the trouble would be figuring out where to go from here. Were the past few months just proof that no matter how much they wanted to make things work, it was futile?
“Well, uh, I’m sorry about the whole Andy thing. It was an accident. We smoked and then…” Jane stopped, realizing that Rob probably didn’t want to hear the details of her night with another guy. “But, yeah. I’m sorry.”
Jane scratched her head before looking over to Rob, unable to force a smile. “I don’t know what to say, Rob.” Her voice wavered, making her feel weak. “We look like shit. We’re exhausted. I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself anymore.” She could feel tears beginning to form, but she took a deep breath to compose herself. “I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know what would make things better. Or if there is anything to make it better. Jesus, I sound like I’m in a romance novel.” She couldn’t help but chuckle pathetically at herself, but her words were the truth.
“Sometimes I think about how things would be if we were home instead, you know? Like if all of unfolded but we didn’t have the stress of all the other shit going on.”
Jane laid there in the bunk, her eyes burning a hole in the ceiling only a few feet above her while her mind furiously attempted to find a resolution, but it was pointless. It was impossible for her to think logically when emotions were involved, unlike how she perceived Rob. He probably had five ideas on what to do, while Jane had a cluster of anger, sadness, confusion, and regret swirling inside of her.
Jane used the hem of her sleeved to blot her eyes before turning to look at him once again. The face that she had watched change and mature over seven years. And now, she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly remorseful for causing him to look the way he did now. Weary. Distressed. Over it. She reached out her hand and touched cheek lightly, but recoiled almost immediately after doing so.
“The way I see it,” she began in an almost-whisper, “there’s three things we can do. One, we can, uh, we can end things. Two, we can do something different. Or three, we can just keep things as they are, but obviously, we gotta do something.” She pursed her lips in disappointment. “I don’t wanna lose you, or all the memories we have together, but you know we can’t keep doing this to ourselves… and each other.” Her voice began to crack as she finished speaking, and now, trying to hide her tears were useless as they rolled across her face down into the pillow underneath her.
Did Jane want things to end between them? No. Did she have any other ideas? Not really. What if they decided to be friends with benefits instead? No, that was pretty much what they were now, and Jane felt too strongly to choke her love for Rob down either further. They could become exclusive again, but that didn’t really work out the last time. Perhaps they could put a pause on things until they got back home, and then they could figure it out then. When were they even going to be home again? The weeks had begun to blend together a long time ago, and she no longer had any idea how long they had been gone or when they’d go back to Long Beach.
“Just know,” Jane began, wiping her face with her sleeve a last time, “that whatever decision we come to, I’ll still love you, and I’m always here if you need me.”
As he continued to speak, Jane’s nervousness evolved to a much more morose energy. They were completely wearing each other out, and she had no inkling as to what the solution would be. Every time they tried to do right by one another, it seemed to set them back further. If one was happy, the other was miserable. The both resorted to their vices to deal with their emotions instead of trying to work through it together.
Everything was fucked. And in a way, it always had been.
But now, the trouble would be figuring out where to go from here. Were the past few months just proof that no matter how much they wanted to make things work, it was futile?
“Well, uh, I’m sorry about the whole Andy thing. It was an accident. We smoked and then…” Jane stopped, realizing that Rob probably didn’t want to hear the details of her night with another guy. “But, yeah. I’m sorry.”
Jane scratched her head before looking over to Rob, unable to force a smile. “I don’t know what to say, Rob.” Her voice wavered, making her feel weak. “We look like shit. We’re exhausted. I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself anymore.” She could feel tears beginning to form, but she took a deep breath to compose herself. “I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know what would make things better. Or if there is anything to make it better. Jesus, I sound like I’m in a romance novel.” She couldn’t help but chuckle pathetically at herself, but her words were the truth.
“Sometimes I think about how things would be if we were home instead, you know? Like if all of unfolded but we didn’t have the stress of all the other shit going on.”
Jane laid there in the bunk, her eyes burning a hole in the ceiling only a few feet above her while her mind furiously attempted to find a resolution, but it was pointless. It was impossible for her to think logically when emotions were involved, unlike how she perceived Rob. He probably had five ideas on what to do, while Jane had a cluster of anger, sadness, confusion, and regret swirling inside of her.
Jane used the hem of her sleeved to blot her eyes before turning to look at him once again. The face that she had watched change and mature over seven years. And now, she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly remorseful for causing him to look the way he did now. Weary. Distressed. Over it. She reached out her hand and touched cheek lightly, but recoiled almost immediately after doing so.
“The way I see it,” she began in an almost-whisper, “there’s three things we can do. One, we can, uh, we can end things. Two, we can do something different. Or three, we can just keep things as they are, but obviously, we gotta do something.” She pursed her lips in disappointment. “I don’t wanna lose you, or all the memories we have together, but you know we can’t keep doing this to ourselves… and each other.” Her voice began to crack as she finished speaking, and now, trying to hide her tears were useless as they rolled across her face down into the pillow underneath her.
Did Jane want things to end between them? No. Did she have any other ideas? Not really. What if they decided to be friends with benefits instead? No, that was pretty much what they were now, and Jane felt too strongly to choke her love for Rob down either further. They could become exclusive again, but that didn’t really work out the last time. Perhaps they could put a pause on things until they got back home, and then they could figure it out then. When were they even going to be home again? The weeks had begun to blend together a long time ago, and she no longer had any idea how long they had been gone or when they’d go back to Long Beach.
“Just know,” Jane began, wiping her face with her sleeve a last time, “that whatever decision we come to, I’ll still love you, and I’m always here if you need me.”
Haha, take your time! Congrats on getting all moved in though. Definitely catch up on your sleep!
Ah, my place of work is always changing, ended up having a lot more things happen, but i think everything has calmed down for the better. Thanks for asking! :D
Ah, my place of work is always changing, ended up having a lot more things happen, but i think everything has calmed down for the better. Thanks for asking! :D
Jane awoke again from a nap she didn’t mean to take, and she rubbed her eyes violently to try to focus on her surroundings. The van was silent minus the ringing in her ears, and almost immediately she was hit with overwhelming loneliness. Was Rob off with Zoe again? Where were the others? Her hand searched for her phone, and when it was located, she immediately checked for a text from Rob. Nothing.
“Fuck him,” she whispered mindlessly as she went to Andy’s name instead.
Jane, 7:23 PM: I shouldn’t have said all that shit.
She not only knew that wasn’t enough to say to him, but that she’d have to put aside her distaste for begging for forgiveness in order to try and regain the friendship she had possibly lost.
Jane, 7:24 PM: You’ve been there for me more than anyone else on tour. Even Rob. And I really like hanging out with you.
For lack of better words, Jane felt like a pussy, although what she was sending to him was sincere. But, it was already lonely enough in Europe, and with her and Rob’s relationship being so messy, it’d be heartbreaking to lose the connection she had formed with Andy.
”Wait… heartbreaking?”
Jane, 7:26 PM: So, please forgive me. Annnnd I’m pretty sure I know how to make it up to you…
After a few minutes, her phone vibrated on her chest.
Andy, 7:30 PM: God, you’re lucky I think your sexy as hell.
Jane, 7:31 PM: Well, I wasn’t going to say it. : ) Can we meet up later?
Andy, 7:33 PM: After our set.
Jane breathed a sigh of relief as she shut her eyes tightly; at least one mess was now fixed. Rob? That was something she’d deal with later. In a way, she was reverting back to her old ways – procrastinating and avoiding confrontation until it either dissipates on its own – but Jane knew that if she got in front of Rob with all of her emotions raging inside of her, she’d fall apart and say something she probably didn’t mean. No, she would have to calm herself down before she could deal with him.
And that was what Andy was for. That was why they agreed to this set up in the first place, basically: using other people as scapegoats so that the relationship wasn’t so intense.
But now, knowing that Rob probably had feelings that went beyond the physical realm for Zoe, Jane wanted Andy more than ever. She was angry, jealous, hurt.
Jane forced herself out of the bunk, gripping her head as it began to throb relentlessly, and after slowly brushing her teeth and sliding on her pair of jeans and a black hoodie way too large for her, she texted Andy and told him to come to the bus, since there was no sign of any others.
An hour or two passed, and after another nap, her fingers worked on a joint as a knock sounded, and she yelled for him to enter as her eyes tried to focus on the small white paper in front of her. Andy appeared, plopping down next to her, and she put down the paraphernalia to turn to him. “I’m sorry, Andy. Really. I shouldn’t have – “
Andy interrupted her by putting his finger to her lips. “It’s fine. Your relationship is none of my business. I just hate seeing you sad all the time.”
Jane nodded and sighed. “Yeah. Me too.” She leaned in, but instead of kissing him, her face landed in his neck, and her small arms wrapped around his torso and squeezed. “I appreciate the concern.”
He kissed the top of her head and began to rub her back gently. “You feelin’ okay?”
“Still hung over,” her tired voice mumbled. “Might be tomorrow, too. How was your set?”
“Well, a few people left after they announced In Bloom wasn’t playing. But the rest seemed to dig it.” Andy looked down to her. “Is your manager pissed?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I haven’t had the balls to call him back yet.” Jane met his eyes and smirked. “Enough talking though, yeah?”
They had moved back to the bunks, deciding on Jane’s up top rather than using someone else’s that’d be more convenient. They spoke a bit more between breaths, but something Andy said made Jane stop in her tracks.
“Wait. Say that again?” Jane tilted Andy’s head up to look at her.
“I guess Rob ended things with Zoe. She didn’t say much, but I could tell she was upset.”
Jane squeezed her eyes shut and scratched at her head. “Oh.” It was all she could get out, most likely because she had no idea how she felt about what he had just told her. She nodded as a signal to continue, and even though everything physically felt great, Jane’s mind was somewhere else now.
”Things seemed great between them. Or at least, that’s how Zoe made it seem. Why would he end things? Was it because of Jane’s tantrum?”
Guilt began to settle in. Jane disappeared to avoid Rob feeling bad about his decisions. Well, that, and she got her feelings hurt. But, if that caused him to end things with her, then was more going on than Jane knew?
Jane rustled in her bunk to feel a body next to her. Rob? No… not Rob. Andy?
“Shit,” Jane mumbled as she began to tap his chest. “Andy. Andy, wake up. We passed out.”
She grabbed her phone to check the time. 6:36 am. Even though everyone knew what Jane did with Andy, she didn’t like to broadcast it, especially by letting him spend the night in their bus. “Wake up,” she whispered as she shook his bare shoulder.
Andy’s eyes popped open. “What time is it?”
“Almost 6:40,” Jane replied quietly. “I guess we passed out.”
“Shit. I told Zoe I’d hang out with her last night since she was upset. She’s gonna hate me.”
“Well, I doubt she’s awake now. Wanna get breakfast?”
Andy nodded as he yawned. “Sure.”
Andy and Jane had come to the conclusion that they drove throughout tonight, because they didn’t recognize any of their surroundings. After some searching, they realized they were in Bucharest, Romania. They walked some of the city, and they were both in awe of the architecture that surrounded them.
Once a bench was in view, Jane handed Andy her phone and asked him to take a picture of her. “Why?” he asked as he chuckled.
“I gotta apologize for cancelling the set last night.” Jane sat on the bench and waited for Andy to take the photo of her, and once he was done, she immediately uploaded it to Instagram with the caption “Sorry for missing the show last night, babes. Will definitely be performing in Bucharest tonight!”
Soon, she and Andy found a small café to that was open early enough to serve them breakfast. The conversation had been light for the most part, but as Jane was finishing her eggs, Andy spoke up. “What’re you gonna do, Jane?”
Jane looked up from her plate and set her fork down. “Not sure. I gotta talk to him, see where he’s at.” She took a sip of her coffee before continuing. “Then, depends on what he says, I guess. I can’t imagine he’s happy with the way things have been between us either.”
“Well, I just wanna say that even though I said how I feel about it, you can still talk to me.”
“Thanks,” she smiled.
When Jane returned to the bus, she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. No one was awake yet, but the energy buzzing inside her from all of her thoughts wasn’t allowing her to sit still, and she eventually opted to wake Rob up.
Jane knelt down next to his bunk and grabbed his arm. “Rob,” she whispered, “Hey, Rob. I’m sorry to wake you. But I can’t put this off anymore.” She crawled into the bunk with him gently and faced him. “Uh, well, Andy told me you ended things with Zoe. I’m sorry if any of it’s my fault.” She brushed his hair out of his face and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s going on between us anymore. Shit has been so… weird. And confusing. And I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It’s like whatever we try to do to make it better just makes it so much worse.” She laid on her back and looked up to the ceiling of the bunk. “I’m sorry I always run away from this shit.”
Jane’s hand went up to her head to rub her temples as she laid there in silence for a moment. It was sad that things had turned out so weird between them, especially because it was obvious they had both tried so hard to avoid it.
Her hands dropped back to her sides with a frustrated groan before looking back to him with morose expression. She hadn't even heard his side yet, but she feared the worst. How couldn't she? Everything seemed to have turned to shit, and no matter how in love she was with the man in front of her, she couldn't deny it.
“Fuck him,” she whispered mindlessly as she went to Andy’s name instead.
Jane, 7:23 PM: I shouldn’t have said all that shit.
She not only knew that wasn’t enough to say to him, but that she’d have to put aside her distaste for begging for forgiveness in order to try and regain the friendship she had possibly lost.
Jane, 7:24 PM: You’ve been there for me more than anyone else on tour. Even Rob. And I really like hanging out with you.
For lack of better words, Jane felt like a pussy, although what she was sending to him was sincere. But, it was already lonely enough in Europe, and with her and Rob’s relationship being so messy, it’d be heartbreaking to lose the connection she had formed with Andy.
”Wait… heartbreaking?”
Jane, 7:26 PM: So, please forgive me. Annnnd I’m pretty sure I know how to make it up to you…
After a few minutes, her phone vibrated on her chest.
Andy, 7:30 PM: God, you’re lucky I think your sexy as hell.
Jane, 7:31 PM: Well, I wasn’t going to say it. : ) Can we meet up later?
Andy, 7:33 PM: After our set.
Jane breathed a sigh of relief as she shut her eyes tightly; at least one mess was now fixed. Rob? That was something she’d deal with later. In a way, she was reverting back to her old ways – procrastinating and avoiding confrontation until it either dissipates on its own – but Jane knew that if she got in front of Rob with all of her emotions raging inside of her, she’d fall apart and say something she probably didn’t mean. No, she would have to calm herself down before she could deal with him.
And that was what Andy was for. That was why they agreed to this set up in the first place, basically: using other people as scapegoats so that the relationship wasn’t so intense.
But now, knowing that Rob probably had feelings that went beyond the physical realm for Zoe, Jane wanted Andy more than ever. She was angry, jealous, hurt.
Jane forced herself out of the bunk, gripping her head as it began to throb relentlessly, and after slowly brushing her teeth and sliding on her pair of jeans and a black hoodie way too large for her, she texted Andy and told him to come to the bus, since there was no sign of any others.
An hour or two passed, and after another nap, her fingers worked on a joint as a knock sounded, and she yelled for him to enter as her eyes tried to focus on the small white paper in front of her. Andy appeared, plopping down next to her, and she put down the paraphernalia to turn to him. “I’m sorry, Andy. Really. I shouldn’t have – “
Andy interrupted her by putting his finger to her lips. “It’s fine. Your relationship is none of my business. I just hate seeing you sad all the time.”
Jane nodded and sighed. “Yeah. Me too.” She leaned in, but instead of kissing him, her face landed in his neck, and her small arms wrapped around his torso and squeezed. “I appreciate the concern.”
He kissed the top of her head and began to rub her back gently. “You feelin’ okay?”
“Still hung over,” her tired voice mumbled. “Might be tomorrow, too. How was your set?”
“Well, a few people left after they announced In Bloom wasn’t playing. But the rest seemed to dig it.” Andy looked down to her. “Is your manager pissed?”
“Yeah, I’m sure. I haven’t had the balls to call him back yet.” Jane met his eyes and smirked. “Enough talking though, yeah?”
They had moved back to the bunks, deciding on Jane’s up top rather than using someone else’s that’d be more convenient. They spoke a bit more between breaths, but something Andy said made Jane stop in her tracks.
“Wait. Say that again?” Jane tilted Andy’s head up to look at her.
“I guess Rob ended things with Zoe. She didn’t say much, but I could tell she was upset.”
Jane squeezed her eyes shut and scratched at her head. “Oh.” It was all she could get out, most likely because she had no idea how she felt about what he had just told her. She nodded as a signal to continue, and even though everything physically felt great, Jane’s mind was somewhere else now.
”Things seemed great between them. Or at least, that’s how Zoe made it seem. Why would he end things? Was it because of Jane’s tantrum?”
Guilt began to settle in. Jane disappeared to avoid Rob feeling bad about his decisions. Well, that, and she got her feelings hurt. But, if that caused him to end things with her, then was more going on than Jane knew?
*****
Jane rustled in her bunk to feel a body next to her. Rob? No… not Rob. Andy?
“Shit,” Jane mumbled as she began to tap his chest. “Andy. Andy, wake up. We passed out.”
She grabbed her phone to check the time. 6:36 am. Even though everyone knew what Jane did with Andy, she didn’t like to broadcast it, especially by letting him spend the night in their bus. “Wake up,” she whispered as she shook his bare shoulder.
Andy’s eyes popped open. “What time is it?”
“Almost 6:40,” Jane replied quietly. “I guess we passed out.”
“Shit. I told Zoe I’d hang out with her last night since she was upset. She’s gonna hate me.”
“Well, I doubt she’s awake now. Wanna get breakfast?”
Andy nodded as he yawned. “Sure.”
*****
Andy and Jane had come to the conclusion that they drove throughout tonight, because they didn’t recognize any of their surroundings. After some searching, they realized they were in Bucharest, Romania. They walked some of the city, and they were both in awe of the architecture that surrounded them.
Once a bench was in view, Jane handed Andy her phone and asked him to take a picture of her. “Why?” he asked as he chuckled.
“I gotta apologize for cancelling the set last night.” Jane sat on the bench and waited for Andy to take the photo of her, and once he was done, she immediately uploaded it to Instagram with the caption “Sorry for missing the show last night, babes. Will definitely be performing in Bucharest tonight!”
Soon, she and Andy found a small café to that was open early enough to serve them breakfast. The conversation had been light for the most part, but as Jane was finishing her eggs, Andy spoke up. “What’re you gonna do, Jane?”
Jane looked up from her plate and set her fork down. “Not sure. I gotta talk to him, see where he’s at.” She took a sip of her coffee before continuing. “Then, depends on what he says, I guess. I can’t imagine he’s happy with the way things have been between us either.”
“Well, I just wanna say that even though I said how I feel about it, you can still talk to me.”
“Thanks,” she smiled.
*****
When Jane returned to the bus, she wasn’t sure what to do with herself. No one was awake yet, but the energy buzzing inside her from all of her thoughts wasn’t allowing her to sit still, and she eventually opted to wake Rob up.
Jane knelt down next to his bunk and grabbed his arm. “Rob,” she whispered, “Hey, Rob. I’m sorry to wake you. But I can’t put this off anymore.” She crawled into the bunk with him gently and faced him. “Uh, well, Andy told me you ended things with Zoe. I’m sorry if any of it’s my fault.” She brushed his hair out of his face and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what’s going on between us anymore. Shit has been so… weird. And confusing. And I don’t know what to do about it anymore. It’s like whatever we try to do to make it better just makes it so much worse.” She laid on her back and looked up to the ceiling of the bunk. “I’m sorry I always run away from this shit.”
Jane’s hand went up to her head to rub her temples as she laid there in silence for a moment. It was sad that things had turned out so weird between them, especially because it was obvious they had both tried so hard to avoid it.
Her hands dropped back to her sides with a frustrated groan before looking back to him with morose expression. She hadn't even heard his side yet, but she feared the worst. How couldn't she? Everything seemed to have turned to shit, and no matter how in love she was with the man in front of her, she couldn't deny it.
“What?” Cameron shouted back to Justin, but the noise sounding above them answered her question quite quickly. She had only heard stories of such machinery, but never thought she would be able to see one for her own eyes; big, black, dragonfly-esque flying contraptions heading straight for them. Cameron found herself paralyzed with shock – both fearfully and in awe – but as soon as the helicopters began to attack, the awe subsided and was replaced by pure adrenaline.
“Shit!” Cameron grunted as she ducked down and began to sprint across the rooftop. The gap was approaching, but she continued full speed until she launched herself off of the roof’s floor and propelled forward, landing forcefully on the rooftop Justin had occupied. Out of breath, she ducked behind the ledge on all fours and inhaled deeply. “There’s no way we’re gonna get through this one.” Was that something pessimistic to say? Maybe. But it was also realistic. The Harbinger’s equipment and numbers definitely gave them great advantage over the small squadron.
She tilted her head upwards to look at Justin and forced a smile. “So, if I am gonna die, I wanna say thanks again for all you’ve done. I definitely wouldn’t have made it this far without you.” Cameron wiped the sweat off her forehead and took another deep breath. “But, if we do make it, we gotta find a different hobby. The perilous adventures were fun at first, but…” she nudged her head towards the approaching helicopters.
The latch on the roof popped opened, and Connor popped his head out. “Are you guys suicidal? Come on, get in!”
Once everyone was back in the structure, they all tried their best to ignore the sounds of bullets and screaming that were taking place only yards away from the door. “Our reinforcements should be arriving any second. Hopefully some will make it through the line and be able to get some of those birds out of the sky. One of our guys has a makeshift bazooka on his truck, so Rogers, Simon? Get to work on some ammo for him. That’s our only hope.”
Connor turned to the pair and sighed. “Reload and get ready for when our guys – “
A horn that played a song pierced through the rumble of the helicopters, and Connor’s eyes lit up. “My boys. They’re here!” The exchange of gunfire began to increase, and the horn again rang, but this time in the back of the building. “Let him in, let him in!” Connor ordered, and a silver door was unlatched to welcome a tall, built man with dark features and long brown hair.
“Jesus, Connor. What’d you get us in to?” The man eyed both Cameron and Justin up and down before returning his attention to their leader.
“Our friends brought company. The Harbingers.”
“Dammit,” the man shook his head. “We could only rally twenty cars. Didn’t know it’d be this bad.”
“Not your fault, Sam. Let’s just try to save our asses before we disintegrate,” Connor patted the man’s shoulders, then looked to them. “This is Sam, our best bet at making it out of here alive.”
Sam shook Justin’s hand, but after again surveying Cameron, she lifted her hand and kissed it. “Not many pretty girls left anymore.”
Although it was inappropriate in the circumstances, she couldn’t help but blush slightly. “Well, there’s gonna be one less in a minute.”
“Right,” Sam nodded, turning towards the rest of the room. “Men, we got three vehicles parked out back. Let’s cram in as many as we can and charge these fuckers. Let’s go!”
Cameron turned to Justin and took a deep breath. “Let’s do this, huh?”
“Shit!” Cameron grunted as she ducked down and began to sprint across the rooftop. The gap was approaching, but she continued full speed until she launched herself off of the roof’s floor and propelled forward, landing forcefully on the rooftop Justin had occupied. Out of breath, she ducked behind the ledge on all fours and inhaled deeply. “There’s no way we’re gonna get through this one.” Was that something pessimistic to say? Maybe. But it was also realistic. The Harbinger’s equipment and numbers definitely gave them great advantage over the small squadron.
She tilted her head upwards to look at Justin and forced a smile. “So, if I am gonna die, I wanna say thanks again for all you’ve done. I definitely wouldn’t have made it this far without you.” Cameron wiped the sweat off her forehead and took another deep breath. “But, if we do make it, we gotta find a different hobby. The perilous adventures were fun at first, but…” she nudged her head towards the approaching helicopters.
The latch on the roof popped opened, and Connor popped his head out. “Are you guys suicidal? Come on, get in!”
Once everyone was back in the structure, they all tried their best to ignore the sounds of bullets and screaming that were taking place only yards away from the door. “Our reinforcements should be arriving any second. Hopefully some will make it through the line and be able to get some of those birds out of the sky. One of our guys has a makeshift bazooka on his truck, so Rogers, Simon? Get to work on some ammo for him. That’s our only hope.”
Connor turned to the pair and sighed. “Reload and get ready for when our guys – “
A horn that played a song pierced through the rumble of the helicopters, and Connor’s eyes lit up. “My boys. They’re here!” The exchange of gunfire began to increase, and the horn again rang, but this time in the back of the building. “Let him in, let him in!” Connor ordered, and a silver door was unlatched to welcome a tall, built man with dark features and long brown hair.
“Jesus, Connor. What’d you get us in to?” The man eyed both Cameron and Justin up and down before returning his attention to their leader.
“Our friends brought company. The Harbingers.”
“Dammit,” the man shook his head. “We could only rally twenty cars. Didn’t know it’d be this bad.”
“Not your fault, Sam. Let’s just try to save our asses before we disintegrate,” Connor patted the man’s shoulders, then looked to them. “This is Sam, our best bet at making it out of here alive.”
Sam shook Justin’s hand, but after again surveying Cameron, she lifted her hand and kissed it. “Not many pretty girls left anymore.”
Although it was inappropriate in the circumstances, she couldn’t help but blush slightly. “Well, there’s gonna be one less in a minute.”
“Right,” Sam nodded, turning towards the rest of the room. “Men, we got three vehicles parked out back. Let’s cram in as many as we can and charge these fuckers. Let’s go!”
Cameron turned to Justin and took a deep breath. “Let’s do this, huh?”
Jane awoke to the sound of muffled voices, and the volume of each grew the more lucid she became. Soon, she was able to make out what they were repeating.
“Jane, wake up.”
“J. Come on, J, wake up, please.”
It only took a few moments for realization to set in that Jane had fucked up. The memories of the night before were slim to none after she took the second pill, but after hearing Andy rummage around in the drawer next to the bed and curse, she knew she had probably overindulged.
“She took all three,” Andy sighed as he rubbed a hand over his face. “And a bottle of vodka by the looks of it.”
“Jesus,” Austin whispered. “J, we gotta go.”
Jane only grunted in response, unable to communicate what she was thinking in her mind: “I’m sorry.”
“Harold called me,” Austin began explaining. “I guess room service couldn’t wake you up. They almost called an ambulance.”
Another grunt from Jane.
“I’ll uh, I’ll get her dressed, and then we’ll take her back, okay?” Andy said to Austin, who nodded and left the room. He grabbed her clothes from the floor that hadn’t moved since the last time he was there, and he worked her shirt over her head, then buttoned her jeans once he was able to pull them up. “Austin, we’re good.”
Austin walked back in and immediately scurried around the room to collect her belongings.
“Alright, babe. I’m gonna pick you up. We’re gonna bring you back to the bus.”
She focused on trying to open her eyes, only catching a glimpse of them as they fluttered momentarily. She groaned again at an attempt to convey her reluctance to leave the room.
“I know, Jane,” he whispered as he moved a stand of hair away from face. “But you can’t avoid this forever. You gotta go back.” Andy slid both arms underneath her and picked her up easily, her body hanging loosely in his grip. “We’ll bring you back, then you can sleep it off in the bus. Austin, get the door.”
Austin threw her bag over his shoulder and opened the room’s front door, and they hurried to bring her down to the cab waiting outside. The ride was silent; Jane slept curled up in Andy’s lap, Austin stared out the window, and Andy remained still so that he wouldn’t disturb her.
Once they arrived back to the spot where both busses were parked, Austin opened the door for Andy to carry her inside, eventually laying her down in Rob’s bunk, since it would have been too much of a struggle to get her into the top one.
Andy looked to Rob and scratched his head. “She got really fucked up last night. Let her sleep it off and see how she feels when she wakes up, which probably won’t be good.”
“I’ll let Harold know we might need to cancel tonight,” Austin added before walking to the front of the bus.
Once the two were alone, Andy looked to Rob with a serious glare. “She really doesn’t wanna deal with this. If I were you, I’d let her come to you when she’s ready to talk about it.” He patted Rob’s shoulder and moved past him to exit the bus. “Time to deal with Vicarious’s shit now.”
This time, when Jane awoke, it was abrupt. She immediately grabbed her mouth and launched herself out of the bunk, nearly smacking her head on its ceiling, and darted straight for the bathroom. As soon as she could see the toilet, she dropped to her knees and began to vomit. Regret began to sink in as her stomach worked furiously to empty the contents she had put into it the night before. Once it seemed to stop, she crawled out of the bathroom and leaned against the wall, catching her breath.
God, she was an idiot. Jane wasn’t even able to give herself one night to think and rest. No, she had to get obliterated and cause a scene. She wasn’t even really sure how she got back to the van, but she knew it couldn’t have been herself. Andy? She remembered seeing his face above her vaguely.
“Shit,” she mumbled as she wiped her forehead with her sleeve. If there wasn’t already enough drama to deal with when she returned, she had just increased it.
“J!” Austin called as he entered the bus and ran back to her. “Are you okay? Here, let me help you – “
“I’m good,” Jane whispered. “I’m dizzy. I just want to sit for a second.”
Austin pulled out his phone and shot a text to Andy. “Well,” he started as he crouched down in front of her, “we cancelled the show tonight. Didn’t think you’d be up to perform. Harold’s pissed.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry.” Jane winced as her head throbbed. “I don’t even remember what I did last night. After Andy left, it’s all a blur.”
“Trust me. I was prepared for this shit when I joined a band with you. Sam and Rob, though? I don’t know how thrilled they are. I don’t know where they are.”
Before Jane could inquire, Andy popped his head through the door. “Ah, sleeping beauty.”
Austin stood up. “I’ll let you handle it from here, dude. Got a Tinder date downtown.”
Andy laughed as he took his spot across from Jane. “Good luck.” He then turned his focus to the small girl in front of him, looking more fragile than ever. He hadn’t known Jane that long, but she definitely looked much different from when he first met her. Her tan skin was now a creamy color, making her freckles and scars much more pronounced. Bags under her eyes signaled her perpetual exhaustion. Her arms and legs, once wrapped with a small layer of muscle, now were starting to resemble twigs. He frowned. “How’re you holding up?”
Jane scoffed. “I’ve been better.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose with force before working up the courage to look up at Andy. “Did you bring me back?”
“Yeah. Me and Austin.” His hand gently rubbed her knee. “Now I know to only give you one serving size from now on.”
Jane sighed. “I guess I need that, huh? After you left, I don’t really know what –“ The urge to puke rose again, and she crawled back into the bathroom quickly before she began to vomit once again.
She wiped her mouth and plopped back into the same position she was previously in. “I’m sure you’ve never found me sexier, huh?” Jane was embarrassed – the one person she had a relationship with that was purely fueled by sexual desire now was seeing her puke.
“Eh, don’t sweat it,” Andy laughed as he rested his head on the wall behind him. “We’ve all been there. Just make sure you brush your teeth before trying to seduce me.”
“Trying, huh?” she smirked. “How was, uh, how was Rob?”
“Didn’t say much. I told him to let you come to him. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel when you got up.”
“Thanks,” Jane sighed. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I kinda blew my cover.”
“You deserve better,” Andy said frankly.
“What…” Jane’s eyes widened as she looked up to him. “Why are you saying that?”
“Look at yourself, Jane. You’re gonna wind up killing yourself one of these days. Ever since you’ve been with him, you’ve been a fucking wreck. I’ve watched this beautiful, charismatic, crazy girl turn into a ghost of herself, and it’s all because of this bullshit.”
Jane’s eyes began to blur, and her voice began to quiver. “B-But – “
“Save it, Jane. In case you forgot, I’ve listened to it all already. ’But I love him. He’s my best friend.’ Then why is it this so fucking hard Jane? You know how many people would kill to have a girl like you?”
Jane rolled her eyes. “You?” She completely felt awful for what she had said almost immediately after the word left her mouth, but instead of apologizing, her pride urged her to stay silent.
“Don’t turn this around, Jane. You have all these people that care about you, but you don’t give a fuck about any of us, only Rob. And obviously, it’s working out wonderfully for you.” Andy held his hand out as if to display Jane’s current state to an imaginary crowd.
“Fuck you,” she mumbled as she wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek. “Get out.”
“Ha.” Andy stood up from his seat on the floor and looked down to Jane, who seemed to be refusing to meet his stare. “Hit me up when you realize I’m right.” And with that, Andy stormed out of the bus into the cold weather.
As soon as she was alone, Jane began to sob as she curled up into the ball on the floor. Andy’s words, true or not, completely wrecked her. One by one, Jane was losing all of the people she held any sort of attachment to, and for the first time in her life, it was beginning to scare her. Maybe at home, things like this wouldn’t bother her too much, but here, so far away from anything she knew, the loneliness was starting to get to her.
Another few rounds of vomiting, Jane had mustered up the energy to pick herself up off the floor and crawl into Rob’s bunk once again, this time smoking the only left over joint that Andy had rolled for her the night before.
Jane had no idea where to go from here. Rob must have put two and two together that Jane was displeased with what Zoe had to say, and now she just felt embarrassed and ashamed of how she handled it. But, much more than that, she didn’t want to deal with the mess they had created between the four of them.
After locating her phone, she held the cracked screen above her head and squinted as she focused on the words she was typing to Rob.
Jane, 3:52 PM: I’m alive. Sort of. Didn’t mean to cause a scene.
Sent. Jane paused before she began to construct her next text.
Jane, 3:54 PM: I need to know if you have feelings for Zoe. You don’t have to answer me now, but you have to eventually.
Was it immature to send him that over text? Probably. But Jane never claimed to be mature, plus, she would do anything at this point to not see Rob. Her physical status was already mortifying enough, but she would probably just cry if she saw him.
After finishing her joint, she curled up into a ball in his bunk and forcefully held the pillow over her head to try to stop the throbbing pain. One thing that was more embarrassing than the situation itself was that all she wanted was for Rob to be there with her, holding her. But no, she wasn’t going to let that happen. Not yet. Zoe made her feel like an idiot for thinking that Rob could see someone without growing an attachment to them. For saying that Rob talked to her about everything and left her in the dark.
Jane knew she was no better. She was so scared to fuck things up or to scare him off that she tip toed around his emotions, which wasn’t fair to either of them. How were they supposed to fix all of this? Could they?
“Jane, wake up.”
“J. Come on, J, wake up, please.”
It only took a few moments for realization to set in that Jane had fucked up. The memories of the night before were slim to none after she took the second pill, but after hearing Andy rummage around in the drawer next to the bed and curse, she knew she had probably overindulged.
“She took all three,” Andy sighed as he rubbed a hand over his face. “And a bottle of vodka by the looks of it.”
“Jesus,” Austin whispered. “J, we gotta go.”
Jane only grunted in response, unable to communicate what she was thinking in her mind: “I’m sorry.”
“Harold called me,” Austin began explaining. “I guess room service couldn’t wake you up. They almost called an ambulance.”
Another grunt from Jane.
“I’ll uh, I’ll get her dressed, and then we’ll take her back, okay?” Andy said to Austin, who nodded and left the room. He grabbed her clothes from the floor that hadn’t moved since the last time he was there, and he worked her shirt over her head, then buttoned her jeans once he was able to pull them up. “Austin, we’re good.”
Austin walked back in and immediately scurried around the room to collect her belongings.
“Alright, babe. I’m gonna pick you up. We’re gonna bring you back to the bus.”
She focused on trying to open her eyes, only catching a glimpse of them as they fluttered momentarily. She groaned again at an attempt to convey her reluctance to leave the room.
“I know, Jane,” he whispered as he moved a stand of hair away from face. “But you can’t avoid this forever. You gotta go back.” Andy slid both arms underneath her and picked her up easily, her body hanging loosely in his grip. “We’ll bring you back, then you can sleep it off in the bus. Austin, get the door.”
Austin threw her bag over his shoulder and opened the room’s front door, and they hurried to bring her down to the cab waiting outside. The ride was silent; Jane slept curled up in Andy’s lap, Austin stared out the window, and Andy remained still so that he wouldn’t disturb her.
Once they arrived back to the spot where both busses were parked, Austin opened the door for Andy to carry her inside, eventually laying her down in Rob’s bunk, since it would have been too much of a struggle to get her into the top one.
Andy looked to Rob and scratched his head. “She got really fucked up last night. Let her sleep it off and see how she feels when she wakes up, which probably won’t be good.”
“I’ll let Harold know we might need to cancel tonight,” Austin added before walking to the front of the bus.
Once the two were alone, Andy looked to Rob with a serious glare. “She really doesn’t wanna deal with this. If I were you, I’d let her come to you when she’s ready to talk about it.” He patted Rob’s shoulder and moved past him to exit the bus. “Time to deal with Vicarious’s shit now.”
*****
This time, when Jane awoke, it was abrupt. She immediately grabbed her mouth and launched herself out of the bunk, nearly smacking her head on its ceiling, and darted straight for the bathroom. As soon as she could see the toilet, she dropped to her knees and began to vomit. Regret began to sink in as her stomach worked furiously to empty the contents she had put into it the night before. Once it seemed to stop, she crawled out of the bathroom and leaned against the wall, catching her breath.
God, she was an idiot. Jane wasn’t even able to give herself one night to think and rest. No, she had to get obliterated and cause a scene. She wasn’t even really sure how she got back to the van, but she knew it couldn’t have been herself. Andy? She remembered seeing his face above her vaguely.
“Shit,” she mumbled as she wiped her forehead with her sleeve. If there wasn’t already enough drama to deal with when she returned, she had just increased it.
“J!” Austin called as he entered the bus and ran back to her. “Are you okay? Here, let me help you – “
“I’m good,” Jane whispered. “I’m dizzy. I just want to sit for a second.”
Austin pulled out his phone and shot a text to Andy. “Well,” he started as he crouched down in front of her, “we cancelled the show tonight. Didn’t think you’d be up to perform. Harold’s pissed.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry.” Jane winced as her head throbbed. “I don’t even remember what I did last night. After Andy left, it’s all a blur.”
“Trust me. I was prepared for this shit when I joined a band with you. Sam and Rob, though? I don’t know how thrilled they are. I don’t know where they are.”
Before Jane could inquire, Andy popped his head through the door. “Ah, sleeping beauty.”
Austin stood up. “I’ll let you handle it from here, dude. Got a Tinder date downtown.”
Andy laughed as he took his spot across from Jane. “Good luck.” He then turned his focus to the small girl in front of him, looking more fragile than ever. He hadn’t known Jane that long, but she definitely looked much different from when he first met her. Her tan skin was now a creamy color, making her freckles and scars much more pronounced. Bags under her eyes signaled her perpetual exhaustion. Her arms and legs, once wrapped with a small layer of muscle, now were starting to resemble twigs. He frowned. “How’re you holding up?”
Jane scoffed. “I’ve been better.” She rubbed the bridge of her nose with force before working up the courage to look up at Andy. “Did you bring me back?”
“Yeah. Me and Austin.” His hand gently rubbed her knee. “Now I know to only give you one serving size from now on.”
Jane sighed. “I guess I need that, huh? After you left, I don’t really know what –“ The urge to puke rose again, and she crawled back into the bathroom quickly before she began to vomit once again.
She wiped her mouth and plopped back into the same position she was previously in. “I’m sure you’ve never found me sexier, huh?” Jane was embarrassed – the one person she had a relationship with that was purely fueled by sexual desire now was seeing her puke.
“Eh, don’t sweat it,” Andy laughed as he rested his head on the wall behind him. “We’ve all been there. Just make sure you brush your teeth before trying to seduce me.”
“Trying, huh?” she smirked. “How was, uh, how was Rob?”
“Didn’t say much. I told him to let you come to him. I wasn’t sure how you’d feel when you got up.”
“Thanks,” Jane sighed. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I kinda blew my cover.”
“You deserve better,” Andy said frankly.
“What…” Jane’s eyes widened as she looked up to him. “Why are you saying that?”
“Look at yourself, Jane. You’re gonna wind up killing yourself one of these days. Ever since you’ve been with him, you’ve been a fucking wreck. I’ve watched this beautiful, charismatic, crazy girl turn into a ghost of herself, and it’s all because of this bullshit.”
Jane’s eyes began to blur, and her voice began to quiver. “B-But – “
“Save it, Jane. In case you forgot, I’ve listened to it all already. ’But I love him. He’s my best friend.’ Then why is it this so fucking hard Jane? You know how many people would kill to have a girl like you?”
Jane rolled her eyes. “You?” She completely felt awful for what she had said almost immediately after the word left her mouth, but instead of apologizing, her pride urged her to stay silent.
“Don’t turn this around, Jane. You have all these people that care about you, but you don’t give a fuck about any of us, only Rob. And obviously, it’s working out wonderfully for you.” Andy held his hand out as if to display Jane’s current state to an imaginary crowd.
“Fuck you,” she mumbled as she wiped a tear that rolled down her cheek. “Get out.”
“Ha.” Andy stood up from his seat on the floor and looked down to Jane, who seemed to be refusing to meet his stare. “Hit me up when you realize I’m right.” And with that, Andy stormed out of the bus into the cold weather.
As soon as she was alone, Jane began to sob as she curled up into the ball on the floor. Andy’s words, true or not, completely wrecked her. One by one, Jane was losing all of the people she held any sort of attachment to, and for the first time in her life, it was beginning to scare her. Maybe at home, things like this wouldn’t bother her too much, but here, so far away from anything she knew, the loneliness was starting to get to her.
Another few rounds of vomiting, Jane had mustered up the energy to pick herself up off the floor and crawl into Rob’s bunk once again, this time smoking the only left over joint that Andy had rolled for her the night before.
Jane had no idea where to go from here. Rob must have put two and two together that Jane was displeased with what Zoe had to say, and now she just felt embarrassed and ashamed of how she handled it. But, much more than that, she didn’t want to deal with the mess they had created between the four of them.
After locating her phone, she held the cracked screen above her head and squinted as she focused on the words she was typing to Rob.
Jane, 3:52 PM: I’m alive. Sort of. Didn’t mean to cause a scene.
Sent. Jane paused before she began to construct her next text.
Jane, 3:54 PM: I need to know if you have feelings for Zoe. You don’t have to answer me now, but you have to eventually.
Was it immature to send him that over text? Probably. But Jane never claimed to be mature, plus, she would do anything at this point to not see Rob. Her physical status was already mortifying enough, but she would probably just cry if she saw him.
After finishing her joint, she curled up into a ball in his bunk and forcefully held the pillow over her head to try to stop the throbbing pain. One thing that was more embarrassing than the situation itself was that all she wanted was for Rob to be there with her, holding her. But no, she wasn’t going to let that happen. Not yet. Zoe made her feel like an idiot for thinking that Rob could see someone without growing an attachment to them. For saying that Rob talked to her about everything and left her in the dark.
Jane knew she was no better. She was so scared to fuck things up or to scare him off that she tip toed around his emotions, which wasn’t fair to either of them. How were they supposed to fix all of this? Could they?
Jane shifted uncomfortably as she waited for Zoe’s response to her rambling. She thought Rob was hard to read, but Zoe was on a completely different level; her expression barely changed the entire time that Jane spoke, and her ability to hold eye contact during an awkward situation like this made her feel like the weaker of the two. And Jane didn’t like that. As the one technically dating Rob, she felt as though she should have had the upper hand in the situation, but Zoe’s unwavering stone-cold demeanor alone already made Jane worried.
“Well,” Zoe began in a voice lower than Jane’s, making her realize that she hadn’t really even heard her voice before, “I guess I can appreciate the offer to settle things. I’ll admit, I’m not thrilled at the way things are between everyone – the tension, I mean.”
Jane nodded as she took a sip of her beer. Her mind kept begging her to blurt things out, what she was truly feeling about Rob and Zoe spending so much time together, but she managed to keep her cool.
“I’ve only heard things here and there from the guys, but I know you and Andy have been hooking up, and I just wanted to put it out there that I don’t give a fuck. I got over him a long time ago.” Zoe paused as she, too, took a sip of her drink. “As you probably know, Andy and I were in the same boat as you and Rob. Thought if we kept it casual, no one would get hurt and we could have our fun. I was wrong.”
Jane cocked her head to the side. “What happened? I mean, I know you guys ended things, but Andy hasn’t really gone into detail.”
“I couldn’t handle him being with other women, even though I knew it was nothing emotional.”
“Oh,” Jane replied quietly. “I get that.” She was sympathizing, but honestly, what they did together was the least of her worries. She was much more concerned with the possibility of –
“Hanging out with Rob has really made it apparent of how awful Andy and I were together.”
“Uh huh,” Jane’s voice squeaked, still showing signs of damage from the night before, but she was sure that her reluctance to continue the conversation wasn’t helping.
“I haven’t clicked with someone like this in a really long time.”
Jane’s eyes burned a hole in the table as Zoe spoke, not daring to try to meet her stare. Her heart beat began to grow louder and louder in her ears as she listened to Zoe speak, and as nonchalantly as she could, she began to take deeper breaths in an attempt to manage the emotions that were beginning to bubble up inside of her. How she described her and Rob’s budding relationship didn’t sound at all to Jane like what she had signed up for. It seemed deeper than that.
“And, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe Rob’s just that easy to get along with. But, it’s a refreshing change of pace to hang out with someone who is such an open book.”
”But he’s not. Not with me.”
“Y-yeah,” Jane stuttered as she scratched her head, stilling having yet to look up at Zoe. She definitely couldn’t now; she wasn’t sure if she was about to cry or scream, but it was definitely one of the two. In a panic, Jane pulled out her phone and pretended to be surprised when she looked at the time. “Oh, shit. I completely forgot about an interview Harold scheduled. I-I’m sorry.” Jane abruptly stood up and dug around her over-stuffed bag until she found her credit card.
“Here,” Jane handed it to Zoe. “Just, uh, give it to Rob when you get back. Feel free to use it for the cab, too.” The food arrived at that moment, and she sighed in frustration. “You can bring it back to the guys if you want. I gotta go.” She waved and nearly dashed out of the restaurant onto the busy downtown sidewalk, where pedestrians moseyed each direction around her. The panic was also causing a sense of claustrophobia, so as soon as her eyes landed on an alleyway, she shuffled her way through the crowd and stumbled into it, puking as soon as she was about ten feet in.
Her nerves hadn’t produced such a reaction since their early days on the tour, but it wasn’t uncommon for Jane. Her mom always said it was her bottling things in that made her puke, but she had always dismissed it as nonsense, but now more than ever, the things her mom told her seemed to make more sense as an adult.
”Oh, Janey,” her mother’s gruff voice sounded as she stroked the top of Jane’s head. “You’re gonna fall in love one day.”
Nineteen year old Jane shook her head and laughed at the thought as her and her mother sat on the couch, passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. “I don’t think so. I barely get crushes on anyone. Plus, who would wanna fall in love with someone like me, huh? I can barely commit to the plans I make on the weekend.”
“You’re young,” her mother smiled. “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even someone crazy like you.”
“Yeah?” Jane nudged her arm. “Like who? And don’t you dare say Sheila’s son. He’s a fuckin’ creep.”
“What about Rob?” Her mother looked over at her. “The tall one you’re always with.”
“Ew, mom, no,” Jane shook her head. “He’s my best friend. That’d be weird.”
“Well, whoever it is, it’s going to happen.” Her mom smirked as she turned her attention back to the television. “You’ll fall madly, deeply in love with someone and wanna put all this partying bullshit behind you. You’ll start to care about what you say and what you do. You’ll wanna be a better person.”
“Whatever you say, mom.”
And here she was, puking in an alley mid-day in Kiev because another girl said, in so many words, that she was developing feelings for Rob. Which, in Jane’s mind, meant that he was probably developing them as well.
“Fuck,” Jane mumbled as she spit and wiped her mouth with her sleeve.
How was this going to pan out? Jane knew she had ignored the fact that when Rob was physically intimate with someone, it was never completely meaningless. But, maybe in just her fantasies, she imagined Rob never letting it get that far. That he would stop something like that in its tracks before it grew into anything problematic. Perhaps it wasn’t that problematic.
No. Jane had grown much too self-conscious over the course of the tour to not be concerned by Zoe’s words. The same thoughts that had plagued her when Rob first confessed his feelings to her began to flood her memory once again.
”You’re too wild. Too promiscuous. The party animal. Rob wouldn’t want to end up with someone like that.”
”He’s going to want to settle down one day, and you’re going to be left all alone once he decides.”
”He’ll want someone more stable. More relaxed.”
Jane’s forehead and hands rested on the cool brick wall as she began kicking it furiously with her boots for a few seconds, then, she finally sank down to the ground with the wall behind her back. What was she going to do? She couldn’t go back to the bus in this condition.
“Hey, Harold,” she spoke into the phone only a moment later. “If anyone asks, you booked an interview for me today, okay?”
“Sure, I guess so. Should I ask?” he sounded unamused by the situation already.
“No. Also, can you book me a hotel room for tonight? Hopefully somewhere I could check in ASAP? It’s fucking freezing outside.”
“Fine. But, don’t make this a habit, Jane. You’ve been so good lately. Please don’t fuck it up.”
Jane wanted to scream all the expletives she could think of at Harold, but in order to get what she wanted, she offered a weak “got it” and “thank you” before hanging up the phone and shoving her face into her hands.
Staying in a hotel room for the night was obviously just putting a band-aid on the emotional injury that needed much more, but for now, it’d have to do. Jane knew she was way too immature to go have a level-headed conversation with Rob any time soon, but she’d at least have to shoot him a text so that no one would worry.
Jane, 2:06 PM: Did an interview and started feeling like shit. Harold booked me a room so I could rest. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Soon after, a text from Harold came in with the details on the hotel’s location, and Jane left the alley after a few deep breaths to check in.
An hour later, a knock sounded, and Jane peered through the peephole to see a distorted Andy on the other side.
“Hey,” Jane greeted him meekly as she closed the door behind him. “Thanks for coming.”
“Yeah, of course,” Andy nodded as he put a bag on the counter. “Five joints, two Xanax, and your bottle of rum. Got a real weird look from Austin when I took that out of the fridge.” He turned back to her and frowned. “What the hell’s going on, Jane?”
“I, uh, I met with Zoe. I don’t know. I think there’s more going on than just fucking.” Jane wiped her eyes and sighed. “And I’m being a baby about it, I know. It just kind of caught me off guard.”
“What did you expect to happen?” Andy asked frankly. “You’ve told me yourself Rob’s nothing like you when it comes to shit like that.”
“Well, yeah, but – “
“But what, Jane?” Andy walked towards her slowly. “You’ve been too much of a pussy to tell Rob how you really feel, you decide to let him see other women, and then when he starts to grow attached to one, you think it’s his fault?”
“Catching feelings for someone else was not apart of our agreement.” The anger Jane was beginning to feel was starting to come out through her voice, which cracked as the volume increased. “So what? Is that it? I fucked it up, and now it is what it is?”
“Jane, calm down,” Andy said softly as he put a hand on her shoulder only for Jane to back up. “Why don’t you just tell him that you want to be exclusive?”
“’Cause he’s happy!” she replied as tears began to form into her eyes. “I can tell he enjoys spending time with her. I’m not an idiot.” Jane turned around as she blotted the tears that had formed with her sleeves. “I’m not gonna ruin that for him. Plus, what if I do tell him? It’s not like it’s gonna make him feel any different about her. I don’t even know what I want anymore.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry. You have nothing to do with this. I’m not angry at you.” Her fingers ran through her hair as she turned back around. “And I know I’m overreacting but…”
Andy stood a foot away from her, and as she faced him, he placed both of his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her. “It’s okay.” Not a moment passed for he leaned in and kissed her softly. “I talked with Rob earlier. Things are cool between us. He didn’t mention anything about falling in love with anyone.”
She snorted. “Well, that’s nothing new.”
“Give him some credit,” Andy smiled faintly as he brushed the stray hairs that had fallen over her face during her outburst. “He’s just doing what he thinks is best for the both of you. I don’t think his love for you is going away anytime soon.”
Jane rolled her eyes and looked up to him. “Whatever you say, man. Just… just don’t tell any of the guys why I’m here, yeah?”
Andy nodded, then leaned into her once again, kissing her as his hand snaked up the back of her neck into her hair.
She couldn’t lie, this was her ideal distraction for a situation like this, but Jane had conflicting thoughts on whether or not sleeping with Andy would make her feel better or worse. Having had accepted her issue with self-control long ago, though, she didn’t bother to fight it, and instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
“Call me if you need anything,” Andy whispered as he pulled his shirt over his head and bent down to kiss the top of Jane’s head as she laid on her stomach in bed. The Xanax had already began to set in, and the sluggishness she felt barely allowed her to lift her head at all. “Thanks for everything.”
Andy nodded and waved before leaving the room and closing the front door quietly behind him. Sleeping with Andy only made her feel better for moments after, but now, in the silence, she felt painfully alone. If it wasn’t for the drugs, she’d probably start crying again, but she had no energy left for it.
A joint sat on the table, and after some grunting, she had it lit and was smoking it as she sat naked in bed. She desperately wanted to call Rob in an attempt to do some damage control, assuming that Zoe had told him the details of the lunch they had. But the problem with all of the drugs Jane had done was that it had lessened her ability to things the way they actually were, and not how she imagined they happened. Maybe Zoe really thought she just had an interview and that Jane had to leave. Maybe no one suspected a thing other than that she truly needed a rest before their show tomorrow.
After finishing the joint, Jane took another pill, knowing it would probably knock her out until noon tomorrow, but at that moment, she didn’t care. They had nothing scheduled, and any extra time she could buy before having to face reality once again seemed worth it.
She grabbed her phone and illuminated the screen to check the time when a notification for a text message caught her attention.
Austin, 3:09 PM: You good, J?
Jane sighed. Her friendship with Austin was slowly dwindling with all the other events going on.
Jane, 5:21 PM: Yeah, man. Thanks. I’ve just been getting exhausted easily. Should feel better tomorrow.
Austin, 5:24 PM: If you say so. Call me if you need me.
Jane, 5:25 PM: Thanks
She didn’t bother to check any of the other texts, not wanting to know what could possibly be hiding in her inbox. Instead, she tossed her phone onto the floor and let herself sink back down into the bed. Her now simple thoughts still lingered on Rob and Zoe, but they had become much more morose.
If Rob decided he’d rather be with Zoe, would they be able to still be friends?
No. no. It’d be too awkward. Jane couldn’t just be friends with him after all of this.
If Jane had fallen so completely in love with Rob, why couldn’t she just tell him how she felt?
It would cause too much drama. Rob seemed satisfied now, and although Jane wanted to be the sole cause of his happiness, that wouldn’t come from her taking it away from him. She would just have to deal with it.
Did Rob enjoy his intimate moments with Zoe more than Jane?
That couldn’t be true, right? If Jane was good at anything, it was singing and sex. But, Rob did mention that she came onto him too much. Maybe he was really just more satisfied with what he found in Zoe.
Jane threw the pillow over her face and screamed into it, ignoring the pain she felt in her throat. Her feet kicked at the sheets in frustration, and her small fingers gripped the pillow forcefully until she finally gave up and threw it across the room. It was all turning to shit, and Jane felt like she had no control over it.
At some point soon after, Jane fell into a deep sleep buried under the blanket and pillows that covered her, her last bit of energy spent on the fit she threw. Hopefully the immaturity she was displaying would pass by the morning tomorrow so that she could handle things like an adult. Or at least, not kick and scream about it.
“Well,” Zoe began in a voice lower than Jane’s, making her realize that she hadn’t really even heard her voice before, “I guess I can appreciate the offer to settle things. I’ll admit, I’m not thrilled at the way things are between everyone – the tension, I mean.”
Jane nodded as she took a sip of her beer. Her mind kept begging her to blurt things out, what she was truly feeling about Rob and Zoe spending so much time together, but she managed to keep her cool.
“I’ve only heard things here and there from the guys, but I know you and Andy have been hooking up, and I just wanted to put it out there that I don’t give a fuck. I got over him a long time ago.” Zoe paused as she, too, took a sip of her drink. “As you probably know, Andy and I were in the same boat as you and Rob. Thought if we kept it casual, no one would get hurt and we could have our fun. I was wrong.”
Jane cocked her head to the side. “What happened? I mean, I know you guys ended things, but Andy hasn’t really gone into detail.”
“I couldn’t handle him being with other women, even though I knew it was nothing emotional.”
“Oh,” Jane replied quietly. “I get that.” She was sympathizing, but honestly, what they did together was the least of her worries. She was much more concerned with the possibility of –
“Hanging out with Rob has really made it apparent of how awful Andy and I were together.”
“Uh huh,” Jane’s voice squeaked, still showing signs of damage from the night before, but she was sure that her reluctance to continue the conversation wasn’t helping.
“I haven’t clicked with someone like this in a really long time.”
Jane’s eyes burned a hole in the table as Zoe spoke, not daring to try to meet her stare. Her heart beat began to grow louder and louder in her ears as she listened to Zoe speak, and as nonchalantly as she could, she began to take deeper breaths in an attempt to manage the emotions that were beginning to bubble up inside of her. How she described her and Rob’s budding relationship didn’t sound at all to Jane like what she had signed up for. It seemed deeper than that.
“And, maybe I’m crazy. Maybe Rob’s just that easy to get along with. But, it’s a refreshing change of pace to hang out with someone who is such an open book.”
”But he’s not. Not with me.”
“Y-yeah,” Jane stuttered as she scratched her head, stilling having yet to look up at Zoe. She definitely couldn’t now; she wasn’t sure if she was about to cry or scream, but it was definitely one of the two. In a panic, Jane pulled out her phone and pretended to be surprised when she looked at the time. “Oh, shit. I completely forgot about an interview Harold scheduled. I-I’m sorry.” Jane abruptly stood up and dug around her over-stuffed bag until she found her credit card.
“Here,” Jane handed it to Zoe. “Just, uh, give it to Rob when you get back. Feel free to use it for the cab, too.” The food arrived at that moment, and she sighed in frustration. “You can bring it back to the guys if you want. I gotta go.” She waved and nearly dashed out of the restaurant onto the busy downtown sidewalk, where pedestrians moseyed each direction around her. The panic was also causing a sense of claustrophobia, so as soon as her eyes landed on an alleyway, she shuffled her way through the crowd and stumbled into it, puking as soon as she was about ten feet in.
Her nerves hadn’t produced such a reaction since their early days on the tour, but it wasn’t uncommon for Jane. Her mom always said it was her bottling things in that made her puke, but she had always dismissed it as nonsense, but now more than ever, the things her mom told her seemed to make more sense as an adult.
”Oh, Janey,” her mother’s gruff voice sounded as she stroked the top of Jane’s head. “You’re gonna fall in love one day.”
Nineteen year old Jane shook her head and laughed at the thought as her and her mother sat on the couch, passing a bottle of vodka back and forth. “I don’t think so. I barely get crushes on anyone. Plus, who would wanna fall in love with someone like me, huh? I can barely commit to the plans I make on the weekend.”
“You’re young,” her mother smiled. “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even someone crazy like you.”
“Yeah?” Jane nudged her arm. “Like who? And don’t you dare say Sheila’s son. He’s a fuckin’ creep.”
“What about Rob?” Her mother looked over at her. “The tall one you’re always with.”
“Ew, mom, no,” Jane shook her head. “He’s my best friend. That’d be weird.”
“Well, whoever it is, it’s going to happen.” Her mom smirked as she turned her attention back to the television. “You’ll fall madly, deeply in love with someone and wanna put all this partying bullshit behind you. You’ll start to care about what you say and what you do. You’ll wanna be a better person.”
“Whatever you say, mom.”
And here she was, puking in an alley mid-day in Kiev because another girl said, in so many words, that she was developing feelings for Rob. Which, in Jane’s mind, meant that he was probably developing them as well.
“Fuck,” Jane mumbled as she spit and wiped her mouth with her sleeve.
How was this going to pan out? Jane knew she had ignored the fact that when Rob was physically intimate with someone, it was never completely meaningless. But, maybe in just her fantasies, she imagined Rob never letting it get that far. That he would stop something like that in its tracks before it grew into anything problematic. Perhaps it wasn’t that problematic.
No. Jane had grown much too self-conscious over the course of the tour to not be concerned by Zoe’s words. The same thoughts that had plagued her when Rob first confessed his feelings to her began to flood her memory once again.
”You’re too wild. Too promiscuous. The party animal. Rob wouldn’t want to end up with someone like that.”
”He’s going to want to settle down one day, and you’re going to be left all alone once he decides.”
”He’ll want someone more stable. More relaxed.”
Jane’s forehead and hands rested on the cool brick wall as she began kicking it furiously with her boots for a few seconds, then, she finally sank down to the ground with the wall behind her back. What was she going to do? She couldn’t go back to the bus in this condition.
“Hey, Harold,” she spoke into the phone only a moment later. “If anyone asks, you booked an interview for me today, okay?”
“Sure, I guess so. Should I ask?” he sounded unamused by the situation already.
“No. Also, can you book me a hotel room for tonight? Hopefully somewhere I could check in ASAP? It’s fucking freezing outside.”
“Fine. But, don’t make this a habit, Jane. You’ve been so good lately. Please don’t fuck it up.”
Jane wanted to scream all the expletives she could think of at Harold, but in order to get what she wanted, she offered a weak “got it” and “thank you” before hanging up the phone and shoving her face into her hands.
Staying in a hotel room for the night was obviously just putting a band-aid on the emotional injury that needed much more, but for now, it’d have to do. Jane knew she was way too immature to go have a level-headed conversation with Rob any time soon, but she’d at least have to shoot him a text so that no one would worry.
Jane, 2:06 PM: Did an interview and started feeling like shit. Harold booked me a room so I could rest. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Soon after, a text from Harold came in with the details on the hotel’s location, and Jane left the alley after a few deep breaths to check in.
*****
An hour later, a knock sounded, and Jane peered through the peephole to see a distorted Andy on the other side.
“Hey,” Jane greeted him meekly as she closed the door behind him. “Thanks for coming.”
“Yeah, of course,” Andy nodded as he put a bag on the counter. “Five joints, two Xanax, and your bottle of rum. Got a real weird look from Austin when I took that out of the fridge.” He turned back to her and frowned. “What the hell’s going on, Jane?”
“I, uh, I met with Zoe. I don’t know. I think there’s more going on than just fucking.” Jane wiped her eyes and sighed. “And I’m being a baby about it, I know. It just kind of caught me off guard.”
“What did you expect to happen?” Andy asked frankly. “You’ve told me yourself Rob’s nothing like you when it comes to shit like that.”
“Well, yeah, but – “
“But what, Jane?” Andy walked towards her slowly. “You’ve been too much of a pussy to tell Rob how you really feel, you decide to let him see other women, and then when he starts to grow attached to one, you think it’s his fault?”
“Catching feelings for someone else was not apart of our agreement.” The anger Jane was beginning to feel was starting to come out through her voice, which cracked as the volume increased. “So what? Is that it? I fucked it up, and now it is what it is?”
“Jane, calm down,” Andy said softly as he put a hand on her shoulder only for Jane to back up. “Why don’t you just tell him that you want to be exclusive?”
“’Cause he’s happy!” she replied as tears began to form into her eyes. “I can tell he enjoys spending time with her. I’m not an idiot.” Jane turned around as she blotted the tears that had formed with her sleeves. “I’m not gonna ruin that for him. Plus, what if I do tell him? It’s not like it’s gonna make him feel any different about her. I don’t even know what I want anymore.” She took a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry. You have nothing to do with this. I’m not angry at you.” Her fingers ran through her hair as she turned back around. “And I know I’m overreacting but…”
Andy stood a foot away from her, and as she faced him, he placed both of his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her. “It’s okay.” Not a moment passed for he leaned in and kissed her softly. “I talked with Rob earlier. Things are cool between us. He didn’t mention anything about falling in love with anyone.”
She snorted. “Well, that’s nothing new.”
“Give him some credit,” Andy smiled faintly as he brushed the stray hairs that had fallen over her face during her outburst. “He’s just doing what he thinks is best for the both of you. I don’t think his love for you is going away anytime soon.”
Jane rolled her eyes and looked up to him. “Whatever you say, man. Just… just don’t tell any of the guys why I’m here, yeah?”
Andy nodded, then leaned into her once again, kissing her as his hand snaked up the back of her neck into her hair.
She couldn’t lie, this was her ideal distraction for a situation like this, but Jane had conflicting thoughts on whether or not sleeping with Andy would make her feel better or worse. Having had accepted her issue with self-control long ago, though, she didn’t bother to fight it, and instead, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer.
*****
“Call me if you need anything,” Andy whispered as he pulled his shirt over his head and bent down to kiss the top of Jane’s head as she laid on her stomach in bed. The Xanax had already began to set in, and the sluggishness she felt barely allowed her to lift her head at all. “Thanks for everything.”
Andy nodded and waved before leaving the room and closing the front door quietly behind him. Sleeping with Andy only made her feel better for moments after, but now, in the silence, she felt painfully alone. If it wasn’t for the drugs, she’d probably start crying again, but she had no energy left for it.
A joint sat on the table, and after some grunting, she had it lit and was smoking it as she sat naked in bed. She desperately wanted to call Rob in an attempt to do some damage control, assuming that Zoe had told him the details of the lunch they had. But the problem with all of the drugs Jane had done was that it had lessened her ability to things the way they actually were, and not how she imagined they happened. Maybe Zoe really thought she just had an interview and that Jane had to leave. Maybe no one suspected a thing other than that she truly needed a rest before their show tomorrow.
After finishing the joint, Jane took another pill, knowing it would probably knock her out until noon tomorrow, but at that moment, she didn’t care. They had nothing scheduled, and any extra time she could buy before having to face reality once again seemed worth it.
She grabbed her phone and illuminated the screen to check the time when a notification for a text message caught her attention.
Austin, 3:09 PM: You good, J?
Jane sighed. Her friendship with Austin was slowly dwindling with all the other events going on.
Jane, 5:21 PM: Yeah, man. Thanks. I’ve just been getting exhausted easily. Should feel better tomorrow.
Austin, 5:24 PM: If you say so. Call me if you need me.
Jane, 5:25 PM: Thanks
She didn’t bother to check any of the other texts, not wanting to know what could possibly be hiding in her inbox. Instead, she tossed her phone onto the floor and let herself sink back down into the bed. Her now simple thoughts still lingered on Rob and Zoe, but they had become much more morose.
If Rob decided he’d rather be with Zoe, would they be able to still be friends?
No. no. It’d be too awkward. Jane couldn’t just be friends with him after all of this.
If Jane had fallen so completely in love with Rob, why couldn’t she just tell him how she felt?
It would cause too much drama. Rob seemed satisfied now, and although Jane wanted to be the sole cause of his happiness, that wouldn’t come from her taking it away from him. She would just have to deal with it.
Did Rob enjoy his intimate moments with Zoe more than Jane?
That couldn’t be true, right? If Jane was good at anything, it was singing and sex. But, Rob did mention that she came onto him too much. Maybe he was really just more satisfied with what he found in Zoe.
Jane threw the pillow over her face and screamed into it, ignoring the pain she felt in her throat. Her feet kicked at the sheets in frustration, and her small fingers gripped the pillow forcefully until she finally gave up and threw it across the room. It was all turning to shit, and Jane felt like she had no control over it.
At some point soon after, Jane fell into a deep sleep buried under the blanket and pillows that covered her, her last bit of energy spent on the fit she threw. Hopefully the immaturity she was displaying would pass by the morning tomorrow so that she could handle things like an adult. Or at least, not kick and scream about it.
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