Neziul"Abi is a naive girl who, above all, is the quintessential little princess, barring some few princess-like behaviour. She's the type to face trouble with an equally challenging grin. Act now, think later. She is fond of things that shine and is covetous of unique objects.
"
So this is one of the things I have the biggest issue with. I personally like personalities to be fleshed out, hopefully over the course of 3-4 paragraphs. Describing her a princess is kind of iffy as a personality trait. Go into what makes her tendencies princess like, and why she acts that way.
"Abi comes from a lineage of pure-blooded Shadow Alter Conjurers"
This is a something I have a personal issue with, just because it does some world building sans GM permission. It's not my world, so I can't say if this is right or not, but it's my personal understanding that magic isn't a bloodline thing, anybody can learn any branch if they try. Though this could be my misunderstanding.
"Abi is also part of a two-person singing group called Night N. Gail"
This is a little random, and since this is pretty out of nowhere, it feels weird and forced.
"Gender: Attack Helicopter Homosexual"
Homesexuality isn't a gender, it's a sexual orientation.
That's just off the top of my head. Just trying to be helpful, hope you understand.
@Migyudon
"
So this is one of the things I have the biggest issue with. I personally like personalities to be fleshed out, hopefully over the course of 3-4 paragraphs. Describing her a princess is kind of iffy as a personality trait. Go into what makes her tendencies princess like, and why she acts that way.
"Abi comes from a lineage of pure-blooded Shadow Alter Conjurers"
This is a something I have a personal issue with, just because it does some world building sans GM permission. It's not my world, so I can't say if this is right or not, but it's my personal understanding that magic isn't a bloodline thing, anybody can learn any branch if they try. Though this could be my misunderstanding.
"Abi is also part of a two-person singing group called Night N. Gail"
This is a little random, and since this is pretty out of nowhere, it feels weird and forced.
"Gender: Attack Helicopter Homosexual"
Homesexuality isn't a gender, it's a sexual orientation.
That's just off the top of my head. Just trying to be helpful, hope you understand.
@Migyudon