@71342 What in the name of what made you think I'd consider playing a lot of characters to be a hassle? XD
What IS a hassle is when characters usually controlled by other people needs to be controlled by me and I am unsure if I am controlling them correctly or if I am doing something I am not supposed to do with a character that some player out there in some way considers their own. Hence, it is much easier that I am simply in control of all NPCs that someone else isn't already controlling because the player made the characters, like Darius and Aiph. And that's about that.
Because you guys started with more weapon mastery than I thought, maybe I should post-productly boost Morag's skill to C... XD
In any case. I posted something. And I made an effort to place everyone in actual squares. If there's any inconsistencies you'd like changed, inform me. I also made sure to post two versions of the map, just because.
... So, we have a bunch of player characters without players running around now. Any opinion on what I should do with them? I could pick them up and play them as NPCs if I want to as I describe in the opening post, but while I do have possible plans for them I have no issues just dropping them off into nowhere first possible explanation if nobody is feeling any love for them. Do you guys have any opinions that turn out to be popular? Do they differ between the different characters? I'd like to hear. Haha.
The fighter was struck from three different sides, he did not stand a chance. From above came a lightning-blast he had no power to dodge while trying to leap through the air and strike at the Wyvern-riding prince, the electricity jumping from the weapon into his head and electrocuting him. After that, an arrow came flying and hit where it was intended to, the fighter now already injured past the point when he could continue fighting. However, completing the original plan at hand Marwood arrived and swiped him a final cut on the man before he fell defeated over towards the side. On the other side it would appear that the mercenary which was intercepted by Griswal was injured and held his guard against the plate of armor he clearly couldn’t injure, meanwhile Lexa managed to strike back and injure the side of the soldier which had managed to hit her.
“…” The mercenary which had yet to join the actual combat looked at what was clearly a losing battle, and then it appeared he made a calculated decision before he span around and dashed for safety. The steps were clear to the two remaining, somewhat injured Jehannans, who exchanged a quick look before making the unanimous decision that ‘this isn’t worth it’, whereas the both of them took steps backwards and hid behind the pillars of the corridors, hoping that the party of escaping Grado individuals would simply pass by without issue. They would obviously still defend themselves should they be struck, but the party should be able to pass by unopposed for the moment should they desire to.
“S-sir!” The mercenary that dashed away shouted as he was approaching his Guild Leader at the southern entrance, Morag glaring at him with a relaxed, but mildly annoyed expression with the spiked mace (that somehow counts as a Steel Sword now) over his shoulder. “We need to retreat!” The mercenary called. “The enemy coming down the corridor is too strong! We need to regroup, get reinforcements, alert King Sion and-” Kaplow. There was a stunned silence from the mercenary as he fell over rolling across the floor, having just taken a heavy hit from the handle of Morag’s weapon. The Guild Leader glared after the rolling individual, with disgust in his eyes.
“… Lie there, and watch. Sion needs not bother with trifle matters such as this.” Morag glared ahead, something in his eyes telling that he knew a tough fight was coming, but he wasn’t facing away. He held his spiked mace forward with both hands in a stance that anyone would recognize as a stance you should be holding a sword, except he was doing it with a spiked mace, a feat impossible without considerable strength. “I cannot be breached. I am Morag of the Spike Guild.” There were signs of a grin forming under his mask for those with considerable analytical ability. The fighter to his right (also somewhat more capable than the average Spike Guild member) smirked, seeing how his Guild Leader just took the stance he’s the most fearsome and dependable in, and held his axe ready to fight as well. They were ready.
On other places on the battlefield, Sion and his two closest men carve their way through the Grado defenses, held back only by the amount of units they can attack per turn while Grado forces run to defend. … And a single female Myrmidon who had not planned on being on this battlefield in the first place had noticed the escape through the western corridors and was now stalking them, because that’s what made sense from a survival point of view.
Map
Notable individuals:
Blue Mercenary Kalte – A strong-willed Swordsman who likes to travel.
Blue Knight Griswal – A proud knight of Grado heritage. Stoic, but empowered.
Blue Horserider Marwood – A Renais prince with a good heart and a rebellious streak.
Blue Faithful Arathyra – A sweet young healer from Grado
Blue Wyvern (Though more cheerful than the image claims~) Alvin – Prince of Grado. Gregarious and diplomatic, though a fine warrior in his own right.
Blue Thief Habit – A Thief hailing from Jehanna who seems unable to refuse any task.
Blue Pegasus Knight Lexa – A jaunty young pegasus knight from Frelia. Often has her head in the clouds.
Blue Shaman Aldo – A shaman researcher and advisor on things magic in service of Grado. Magically gifted and incurably serious. Weapon Mastery: Dark: D Level: 1 Equipment and Items: Flux, Vulnerary, Guiding Ring.
Green Warrior in Throne Room Rioga – The Court Emperor of Grado. Trusted by his people. Known for catching bandits and trying to strengthen Grado’s military. Weapon Mastery: Axes: B, Bows: C Level: 5 (25) Equipment and Items: Steel Axe, Tomahawk
Green General to Rioga's right Nero – Commanding guardian of Grado and one of Rioga’s best men. Weapon Mastery: Swords: ???, Lance: ???, Axe: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Steel Sword, Steel Lance, Steel Axe, Knight Crest
Green Swordmaster to Rioga's left Garric - Skilled Swordmaster in employ of Grado. Excessively cautious about himself. Weapon Mastery: Sword: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Steel Blade, Killing Edge, Hero Crest
Red Hero at Right Corridor Sion – Jehanna’s King of Red Sands, cause of this war. A graceful and deadly swordsman who can seem gentle and/or devious depending on who you are. Weapon Mastery: Swords: ???, Axes: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Lancereaver, Silver Sword, Wind Sword, Elixir.
Red Swordmaster to Sion’s right Nethanel – Second-in-command of the Royal Guild. His swordsmanship and bloodlust is only matched by his adoration for Sion. Weapon Mastery: Swords: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Killing Edge, Runesword.
Red Berserker to Sion’s Left Rhodri – Brutal leader of the Wheel Guild. An excellent drinking partner who’s jolly personality masks his lack of compassion. Weapon Mastery: Axes: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Battle Axe, Tomahawk, Elixir
Red Mercenary at Left Entrance Morag – The leader of the Spike Guild. Proud, confident and looking for wealth and fortune above all else. Weapon Mastery: Swords: D Level: 3 Equipment and Items: Steel Sword (is what that qualifies as now)
Purple Archer Archibald – A friendly poacher who wanders around Grado with his merry band of bandits. Has a hidden dark side.
Purple Thief Aiph - Thief with thin, wiry frame assisting Archibald. (As far as I know.) Weapon Mastery: Swords: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Iron Sword, I'd assume, possibly something more, I haven't given it any thought.
Purple Fighter Darius - Right hand-man of Archibald with a gruff voice. (As far as I know.) Weapon Mastery: Axes: ??? Level: ??? Equipment and Items: Iron Axe, I'd assume, possibly something more, I haven't given it any thought.
Green Odd Guy in left corridor Ret – A Mage from the rural mountains of Caer Pelyn, uncivillized yet seemingly the honorable sort.
Green female Myrmidon who I figure would be trying to gtfo after you guys Narina – A defiant woman born in Jehanna but raised in Renais.
... Phew. Alright. Reviews done. I apologize if I offend anyone or so. Um. Yeah. Have a nice day.
... Plenty of failure’s to use capital letters. Meaning more than two in the first paragraph. That made the entry really difficult to read out loud. That really isn’t a hard thing to keep track of. There must be SOME way to make capital letters, the rest of the writing of this entry is top-notch, and not using capital letters really draws a shroud of laziness over the entire thing. You’re clearly a good writer, so it is a shame. On a completely different note, I always found that method of qualification to be absurdly stupid. The genius soldier that just happened to have a bad day might be killed for no reason. Oh, well.
… And I am now finding a ton of capital letters where there shouldn’t be any, as well as lacks of commas and apostrophes. It is really throwing me off. In any case. Continue reading. Ignoring such things from now on.
I fail to see the connection with the theme. Sure, with the guns at hand they do hold a fair amount of power, and this entire thing is a show of their own personal power, but… Yeah. What aspect of power is it you’re intending to show off? It isn’t very clear to me. In addition, they speak a lot for supposed trained elites spouting quite clichéd lines at one another, which made them feel somewhat unnatural, and therefore it was difficult to become attached to what felt unnatural. Her action of shooting him with a one-liner before stomping his dead face and THEN feeling the cold sting of killing someone she had known for so long felt very odd to me. In any case.
I am going to state that I am entirely fine with the background being vague. It gives a sense of mystery that could make us sit on the edge of our seats reading in wonder, if used correctly. That, and you clearly have the ability to write. I’m just going to suggest; write more, read more, and you’ll get there eventually. Compare and see if you know what you’re missing, and then do it again and again until you’ve got an understanding for what makes a nice story. A pretty good effort. Keep at it.
Do you mean it “wasn’t” an inconvenience? XD
Not sure shooting lightning-bolts at a downed generator would be the best way to start it, there must have been a logical reason why it shut down, after all. Starting it might make it go haywire or something. Oh, well. That’s not important right now. XD
A nice little message. I have no complaints or anything. I really like the resolution he came to at the end. The story doesn’t stand out as particularly spectacular or anything, but it is a nice little display of what you could do with the theme. Nicely done.
… Hm. I am not entirely sure what the lesson in front of the actual entry was trying to tell, but suppose it was a lesson on what real power is supposed to be. Or rather than a lesson, it’s a thought. Haha. In any case…
… Well written. I have little else to say about this. The way you didn’t tell what her role was until she had actually finished getting dressed had an interesting impact. The desires in the end are well-founded and understandable, not to mention hits in a place that can be related to. So, well done, mate. Well done.
You bit off more than you could chew, didn’t you? Or did you actually intend the story to end like that? You set up an interesting scenario and then killed it off without development. Your writing is fine and so is your imagination, but that ending was boring.
You’re going to need more than that to make me feel like I gained something from reading that long backstory. You did nothing with the interesting things you set up. It all ended really anti-climatically. I wonder what you really intended on doing with it, because currently it feels like a waste.
It… took me a while to realize this was written about restoring the power of the sun. It was odd. There was something so incredibly passive about this entry, like the entire thing was displayed in monochrome, how everything wanted color. And you pulled it off… ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY! The aura of this piece just covered everything around me and the piece put me in EXACTLY the correct mood to read it. A sweet and cute little girl, a father that loves her, all of it… It was so adorable. And his desire, in such a monochrome world… It is beautiful. I believe it was your writing that caused this aura. Masterfully done. I am not even sure what you did, but masterfully done. You may just have snared my vote. I have a few entries left to read, but know that I love this entry. By far the best I’ve read in a while. Very well done. Haha.
I, uh, don’t get anything! But nicely rhymed! The sentences flowed on my tongue! Nicely written! I don’t get anything! Hahahahaha!
I must say, Andy’s a pretty likable chap. The fact you started with introducing Eric, who was proven not to be the main character, confused me a bit, but eh. The entry introduces a rather entertaining scenario, a situation that sounds almost believable. Except, well, I believe even the media would have laughed at the prospect of such magic, but I might be wrong. Still, the fact nothing happens in the scenario leaves it just an interesting experience, and that’s actually quite fine of it to be, even if it wasn’t very exciting or anything else. I will call this a work well done. So well done.
Gosh. That was exhausting to read. It must have taken ages to find all those rhymes and make it (kind of) work. I shudder at the thought of that painstaking effort. Congratulations on coming out on the other side. Now, then.
I actually think this one was too long for me to properly enjoy it. It stayed too long on things that I did not consider important enough, and it overstayed its welcome. It was a lot of effort, and well done on that point, but yikes, I could not enjoy this entry at its length, I am afraid.
Also, what was it about?
A really entertaining thought. Yeah, a man with only one job, but with the power of doing that one thing he shouldn’t do. It got the little mischievous child in me to smile wickedly as I watched for what would happen. And yeah, rather predictably, that happened. Given the title, nothing else could have happened, really. Yet, it was quite satisfying. Despite the supposedly negative end, it was so satisfying to just scratch that little itch of confirmation. This little entry was an entertaining little break that gave me a little amused chuckle. Thank you very much for that. Teh-heh.
Oh, holy mother of god. Alright, I’ve become interested. Lesse. What, you’re gonna have me do math? Geesh. Calculator!
… Gosh. Now I feel quite empty. This makes me somewhat ask what one aims to do with a good text. I usually value how good a test on how satisfied I am after reading it, however… That might not be accurate. This entry somewhat makes me question this. In any case, I suppose I will go ahead and inform you of my thoughts.
You grabbed my interest early and kept it for a large part of the entry. Your disposal of Elis removed the one who made me emotionally attached to the entry, which made the rest of the entry mechanical and rather emotionally distant… … … which might actually have been a stroke of genius, considering the contents of the entry. Very interesting. I had become deeply intrigued and kept reading, thinking partially that the doctor should have seen this coming when the last one was hacking the computer. The end, however, was unsatisfactory. Sure, they took the princess. A princess who I would have desired to have been introduced far earlier, but eh, that’s a minor detail. I sincerely hope there was more to their plan than that. Ending things asking those questions is unsatisfactory. I read because I want to learn everything, not because I want to be left without all the information. Which leads me back to my question. … Was this actually genius or is it a flaw? I have no idea. But as it is, it feels incomplete. It feels like the prelude of a much longer story, with a completely different main character that we might not even have seen yet, however without the real story a prelude is unsatisfactory. But…
… Brilliantly written. While I was getting exhausted towards the end, the end’s writing translated to actually looking more messy perhaps because of it, but you’ve got some sincere writing skill. Wonderfully done. Just… end the story, next time. Sincerely. … Or not, if that’s part of your creed. Whatever suits best for you. Haha.
Guess what? I don’t need to write a fake review! XD
… Awesome poem. Unlike those I have read so far, this one flowed brilliantly with no hick-ups whatsoever, had an UNMISTAKABLE train of thoughts which was given in a way that simply could not be left up to interpretation (that’s a good thing), and the ending was satisfying as all hell. It was in just the beginning of the sweet zone of poetry, where just a bit shorter and it would have been too short so it could have afforded to be just a little bit longer, but it is entirely fine as it is. Wonderfully done. It read like so fluently.
The only thing I’m wondering, what world is it the text is talking about? XD
I’m struggling to know if this is a poem or not. I mean, it is a story in short strangely cut sentences, but… It is not rhyming, I can’t see any specific amount of pronunciation per line, I have no idea. The story itself, though, is one I have read a thousand and one times and not one which I am particularly impressed by without any additional features. Still. Nicely done an effort. The writing is good, the content just… didn’t stand out at all. Haha.
Why did she accept the duel? Was there any reason why she allowed herself to come to such danger? Did she want to die? Was there a reason why she had to die? Why is she called a “lover”? How? What? Why? Hahahahaha, I’ll never know! *shivers behind a couch in misery* … In any case. Nicely written, but the thousands of questions circling my mind kind of spoiled the emotions I was supposed to feel by this. Still, pretty nice rhymes. Well done. Haha. … I have no idea! XD
… Yeah. That’s how it is supposed to end. Any other end would have annoyed me, seeing what perspective we were following and the seeming surety with which she was acting. I think the beginning taught me an important little lesson on exposition, because that was a drag to read despite that it wasn’t much. In any case. Nicely done. The entry delivered what it was supposed to, though the mind-battle got confusing in a way that I’m not entirely sure how to describe. … I did not get very excited. It felt like there was nothing at risk, Lysa had it all planned out and she was never really in danger. However, that is fine as long as you were aware of it. In any case. Nicely done. I have no issues with this entry. Though, I did not find the world particularly interesting. Hah.
… You know what, I’ll read this last. *snicker* Mami’s enthusiasm is infectious. … Let me just state, when reading your writing I am reminded of the books by Peter F. Hamilton... A lot. … Like, totally incredibly a lot. … … … *staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaares at Keyguyperson*… … “Vespuccia is, as every single one of you realized already, America”… Nope! I do not insert existing countries into the places of fictional ones, as such I completely failed to realize there was any such parallels in the entry. While I did recognize the languages as existing languages, I did not bother thinking things through to that level. In fact, I prefer it like that.
Alright. You just outclassed everything. You have absurd length in your entry, relatable characters, unique ideas, exciting development and meaningful message all rolled into one. What the heck are you doing submitting this as a CONTEST ENTRY FOR A FORUM!? Write the god damn book! Believe me when I say this is the most complex, skillfully written and thoroughly thought-out entry I’ve seen in this competition since ever. You’re overqualified for this competition with these entries. I am afraid I am going to have to refrain from voting for you to discourage you from dominating the opposition! XD
Of course, you can still submit them if you want people to read them, WHICH I WILL GLADLY! … But I won’t vote for these! XD I’d much rather read the book you perhaps publish, or anything that is FAR longer than this! Now that I got that out of my system, allow me to fan-boy a little bit. *ah-hem*
I love Mami. She’s so relatable. Such an excitable person. Getting periodically closer to the defrosting Naoko was a blast. Man, I love her too. The world with these ships, this canal, these nations and all of that, it is absolutely beautiful. The main character being the translator between the languages and all the language jokes and twists which you presented was absolute genius. It was a new way to have a little literal play with words which was incredibly interesting to follow. The twist of the ship and the humans, the canal, the cycles and the weapons, so god damn relatable and understandable! It’s… actually, something I’ve heard a few times before, that thing about the ship and what humans did and the message, but you have this twist to it that I find absolutely refreshing and it feels unique enough that I want the entire package! I want a god damn movie to be made out of this! XD
If there is anything that I’d like to criticize, it is that it feels like the writing got a bit more sloppy towards the end. Not the final scene, I’m getting to that, but the scenes before. Like, the moment after they got onboard the Ausdauer. It got really thin in description, there, which drowned the impression of the entire piece a bit, which is a shame. There were also more actual writing-mistakes in this part, which is something I didn’t expect from you. I also would have wanted an epilogue, since you kind of dropped us off at an unfair place. We can imagine what happens after, but you’ve so skillfully told us everything that happens up until that point, why leave us hanging?
But… god. That last scene… is so absolutely brilliant. Reading out the story like that… and… perfectly explaining the title, making that come back, and it is so emotional as the soldiers do the right thing and so. Those are scenes I have seen before, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that they are so FENOMENALLY POWERFUL! … And you pulled it off BEAUTIFULLY, with an AWESOME TWIST, which was BEAUTIFULLY conducted in a SENSIBLE way by our NON-COMBATANT MAIN CHARACTER! Allow me to hug you. Oh, damn, I can’t. Where do you live? I feel like paying the actual money to fly over and hug you, if that’s alright. Don’t take my word for it, though. I’m a rather poor college student, so. In any case. Best scene ever. I just wanted to know what happened after it, too.
… But as I already said, I’m not going to vote for you. You’re overqualified for my vote. XD
Edit: I reconsidered. It felt unfair to write you off like that, and hence I thought of voting for you regardless. But then there was the problem that Artificial Light had been pulled off so beautifully, while yours actually had SOME issues, but... ... ... ... ... I did have a hard time deciding.
Alright. Thanks for that, it was a beautiful couple of laughs. After the entry, I spent a good ten seconds just chuckling to myself. That was a good way to end the entry. I was satisfied. Now, then.
It has come to my attention that the grammar isn’t quite perfect all the time, but you pass the high-quality check. However, it would seem that the writing got less and less detailed as time went on, which is unfortunate. I know why they can happen, but do try to keep consistent, or it will feel like you got tired of your production while writing, and that never translates well to the reader. Still, I was plenty amused, so thank you for that. I would consider this a text to be proud of. Haha.
… Well. Thank god I didn’t finish with this one. Thoroughly negative and without any significant substance other than a single message that I cannot relate to at all and therefore only feel disturbed by. … … … … … *sigh*
If that’s what you want to write.
I will post replies on the reviews of my entry after I think all that will review it have posted. Haha.
Alright, done with nine out of seventeen. I want to post all of them in one fell swoop, no discrimination against those with entries first or last or in the middle of the list. All of them at the same time. I'm done with over half of them. Let's check the next-
*opens tenth hider*
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
Being done with over half the entries does NOT mean I have read over half the words. XD
Savo
Xaltwind
Lunamaria Hawke
Kon Kon
Floofenstein
RPM
Renose
Rune_Alchemist
