Male, 33 years old. (I'm even more dead than before.)
Likes (other than writing and roleplaying): I'm into all genres of music. I love to cook. I love the outdoors, and walking through the park near my house. (Yes, really.) I read a lot of thriller/mystery novels. And I usually watch seasonal anime. (Or cooking shows. Because Western Media provides even fewer things that are worth watching.)
But as for my many other neglected hobbies, I've played basically every sport. (Soccer and Bowling being my favorite of the bunch.) And I'm trying to play more video games. (Going through my never-ending Steam library.) Plus, I've dabbled in making electronic & metal music, and I used to play a number of instruments. (Guitar, French Horn, etc.)
@Shienvien Heh, ofcourse. None taken, I always appreciate the feedback. I'm usually my own worst critic anyway, so I want to know what I screwed up on. What was liked, what wasn't. Etc.
I honestly outright tried avoiding commenting on others punctuation, because I probably could have debated that for far longer than necessary on everyone's story and I knew without fault, I myself would be bound to make mistakes in this category. Which seems to be what the primary focus of your critique, but I don't mind learning regardless.
Those first two corrections are correct. (The "where" could probably be inferred, but it does specify location that the man is under a yew tree, removing it, could be nitpicked that he could be anywhere that happens to have yew trees in the area.) And I agree that the Ellis sentence could be corrected that way.
I wish you would have shown me your correction, because I wasn't certain what you meant at first. You mean the comma should be placed after 'embellishing bleakness'? Perhaps? But the surface level smile is embellishing bleakness. (the fake smile is covering up a person's inner sadness.) So it is sort of the smile, (or by extension the desire to even fake that happiness when your depressed.) that withers and dies. But I'm open for that change.
Yes, the poetic language is almost entirely the point for this story. It's not sprinkled in for flavor, it's nearly the story itself. It's very much intended to be that way. (for better or worse.) Nearly every part of it is symbolism of some sort and the language is very flowery. I can fully admit the symbolism is fairly service level stuff, perhaps a little unfocused and possible improper flow probably doesn't help. But I wrote this fairly quickly myself.
(Again, I wish examples and advice/corrections would be provided, when/if possible.)
In my (hopefully rational/civil sounding) defense. Despite agreeing fully that some sentences was probably too over the top. I do think, a lot of people's flowery language, if not just using big and unused words for the sake of it, for single words that would be more commonly/well used. Another thing I saw in-between various stories was a complex word, just being compared to it's own meaning. I think my flowery language often had a bit more thought in it's usage and often had some point to it.
I have mixed feelings about the sentence structure suggestion. The shrouding clouds were placed first on purpose, comparing it to the muffler expelling it's own shrouding cloud of gas of car exhaust. Putting the other sentence first, guts it of that direct visual comparison. I do agree that the second half of the change might flow better and I'd probably change that bit.
No, I'm English. (I also honestly wouldn't use that as a reasonable excuse if I wasn't.) I've probably just forgot nearly everything I had to self-teach myself in my school. Though you aren't wrong in thinking that part seemed rushed. I actually was going to write that the boy swung at the man with shovel and tussled with him on the ground. But after the man would still treat the boy with forgiveness/kindness. (That or I was considering the boy breaking the actual mentor's grave. But I felt that may come of a little overdone and make the characters actions less forgivable, or believable respectfully.)
So I did shorten it to keep closer to the word count. Also, I felt putting too much focus on the boy, would undermine the focus of the main character. Sometimes minimal, less is more is just necessary for short (very short) stories.
I think nearly everyone had an ending that seemingly came out of nowhere, to be completely honest. But I had 900 words, opposed to most who far extended themselves in the wordcount. If the prompt was a higher word count, or I had an extra two, three hundred words. I probably could have added a bit more information in that regard. XP
But thank you. Greatly appreciate you taking the time. (I knew the dreaded comma would be my number one enemy. Ha ha.) Glad you mostly enjoyed it. I don't really often indulge myself in the purple prose and symbolism stuff.
@KatherinWinter Well, you could easily make it that way. I can roll with the flow, but I will clarify my intention.
Most of what I wrote wasn't intended to be a hallucination, beside the "Desperation grew in his head like weeds, more and more thoughts of his children suffering and dying on the ground like his friend, sprouting in his mind, covering up any other thoughts and killing them" part which is due to the necklace. What actually happened was the woman could hear Bastian's thoughts and changed the spell, transporting us off a waterfall, basically to spite him. (For reasons. :P) The falling in the lake and swimming to land and appearing somewhere far outside the city. Wasn't part of the hallucination. That happened. (It also, probably more than likely would give your character some kind of cold, being drenched in rain, staying in wet clothes, only to plummet in a lake.)
But-you can easily make it that way instead. (Making it some kind of hallucination, like we haven't left the tunnel yet or something. If you want me to do that, for one reason or another.) And I'm more than okay with going down that road. ;3
Well I very much apologize for potentially coming off as a literary snob. But I'm only giving what I feel is honest and occasionally detailed critique. I'm sorry if it comes off harsh at all. Thank you all for the opportunity to read and to get me to analyze story in ways I hope help me improve, and maybe someone else will take it constructively... I finally read them all at once, now I intend to give my thoughts and advice. And even recommend who I’d vote for, if I actually could vote at the very end.
1. Showing basic effort. Essentially, that you looked at your post before posting it. Spellchecked, limited typo’s/mixing of words, proper structuring. A little goes a long way and makes a difference. I won’t, nor do I care to nitpick every comma. Just enough to enjoy what I’m reading.
2. Length. It was supposed to be 500-1000 words. And since higher word counts aren’t disallowed. If I was running it, I’d figure a 200 word buffer is more than enough to spruce up story, while not weighing it down in filler. If the work is over 1,200 words, I will question how much could you have cut to make the same point in fewer words. Because, all stories can have more background detail and character growth, if you have hundreds and hundreds of more words than your peers. But could you have done the same without it? If so, you really should have. So I’m taking word range into account here.
3. Do I care (or at least understand) about the character/plot of the story? Did the character have an arc? Do I feel like the character is going through “New Beginnings”? Hopefully, that was the point after all.
(To explain, my structure/method of explaining my criticism. I’ll highlight certain parts of the story in orange and highlight my changes in green. Bolding certain parts to show what has/or what I feel like I’d change. Using lines to break it all into pieces.)
And with that out of the way...Here are my thoughts on...
Well alrighty then. I definitely have no clue if that story had anything to do with turning a new leaf, new beginnings or how it’s relevant to the prompt. But I actually found the story entertaining from beginning to end, enough bizarreness to hold my interest the whole way through. I actually chuckled at “Watch as you approach Carl and his fucked up arm.”
You certainly left enough to the reader’s imagination, that I enjoyed while reading it. You also were one of few to not use death or murder in your story. So points for uniqueness as well. (And you did a word count appropriate to the prompt. But, that probably only adds favor in my eyes alone.) I’m happy to notice you edited your story already for mistakes, greatly appreciated as a reader. Though some errors did slip under the cracks, for instance.
The others? their too busy with their heads
The others? Their too busy with their heads
(And why was the smile colored pink? What does it all mean?!)
Otherwise, a job well done as far as I’m concerned.
Okay, well I think the story overall was a decent one. I actually thought you were going to make your “New beginnings” subversive, with someone changing for the worse or to evil. But since they ended up getting a chance to join the supposed heroes. (that are good, because they killed the guys with evil on their forehead.) I question the necessity of the first two, and especially the first part of the story. That could have been outright cut, without losing much, the beginning of a story is suppose to be the hook of some sort and it instead it begins in a very mundane way. The names given to the side characters, didn’t really matter and probably didn’t need to be included, but that’s just my two cents.
Although, the length is twice as long as the original word prompt and you could have probably made the same story with far fewer words. You did a good enough job with storytelling. I only have few examples to point out, so I’ll make it quick.
Power-users somehow felt differently to my powers
There’s a few lines, that could have been inferred by the reader that could have been cut. (That or if someone was overly nitpicky, this wouldn’t be a good enough clarification. Since the powers in the story didn’t actually have any clear rules from the outset.)
But knowing I might run into this situation I had studied their function. Then I inserted my finger into the trigger-hole and started spinning the gun on it.
But knowing I might run into this situation I had studied their function. I inserted my finger into in-between the trigger and the guard, spinning the gun.
I feel that this was unintentional, or it wasn’t clear enough to be a joke. But, these are one of those lines where you would guess the writer might not have done enough research on something they put into their story. “The trigger-hole” isn’t an actual thing someone who actively studied a gun would say, and just sounds silly.
‘Damn it,’ I whispered, frustrated.
‘Damn it,’ I whispered.
I think there’s others instances of this, but this is an unnecessary adverb that could be interpreted from the situation and even the words said alone.
Okay, the story almost seemed like it was focused on “Just Desserts” rather than “New Beginnings” I mean the character died, hard to exactly call it a beginning of anything...I feel like the character’s story just ended abruptly, he seemed to have done wrong and he went into retirement, but he didn’t have any redemption arc. He only seemed to dwell on and let his past haunt him until the very end, which while tragic and probably realistic, is also seems antithetical to the point.
The length that was longer than required, could be felt. The 2nd half/workshop scene, was pretty dragged out. Had a lot of telling, opposed to showing and it really feels like you could have easily made the same story in fewer words. But, despite coming off as nitpicky. It did keep me interested in the upcoming events until the end. Here's several particular critiques I personally have...You repeated a certain phrase, really close to one another several times. For example-
“You’re in over your head.” Was said by the same character twice both times.
“Kid, you’re in over your head.” “That fella’s got some height on you, I’d say you’re in over your head.”
To make it seem less repetitive. For one example, this change adds some emphasis into the characters words.
“That fella’s got some height on you, you’re definitely in over your head.”
(Or you could add a clever bit/line of humor…)
“That fella’s got some height on you, he’s definitely over your head.”
Making the ‘over your head’ mean something more literal, since the stranger is taller as well. It’s subtle and in my opinion improves the repetitive dialogue. Another example of repeating, that I feel a little stronger about is you repeating the same analogy twice (in a row.)
Tempest (which just means storm.) compared to a storm.
“The tempest outside masked the storm inside the bar”
“Into the tempest. The storm he left in his wake”
And what hurts the most, is that the second analogy is so much better...
“And then the kid walked out of the bar into the tempest. The storm he left in his wake made the wind and rain look like an old man spitting in his own face.”
That has much more complementary details, that fit the analogy and even has another visual analogy. But since the first one’s only real purpose is to point out there’s a storm outside. The 2nd’s “into the tempest” bit is just repeating itself. You could have taken that part out, and still know there was a storm outside. “as raucous a noise as the bar had seen all night.”
A noise isn’t seen. It’s heard. For a couple quick examples that I feel is just filler words that could have been cut, and lost nothing.
“Sun was rising though, and as he felt its warmth the superficial chill on his skin lessened”
“Sun was rising, he felt its warmth, the superficial chill on his skin lessened”
“He opened his eyes from time to time, to ascertain just where exactly a line should end, or to make certain he didn’t cut himself like a damn fool, but for the most part he bowed his head, breathed in and out, and carved.”
“He opened his eyes from time to time, to ascertain just where exactly a line should end, or to make certain he didn’t cut himself like a damn fool. He bowed his head, breathed in and out, and carved.” He realized he now probably knew where it resided, but as he turned to go and confront the intruder-
There’s nothing really wrong here, but this sentence “to go and confront” seems to imply the character knew there was an intruder behind him, despite the reader themselves having no previous hints ahead of time. Was this the case? If so, I feel like maybe adding a line of dialogue or explaining what he intended to do would have made this clear or maybe even added something more to the story. Like if he turned around and smiled, implying he was relieved death came for him, since he seemed haunted. Or words. “I won’t die where I’ve finally found happiness!” or something to show the character didn’t want to die, uttering words after so long because his life (and this workshop) mattered. But I digress, that’s just my opinions.
Okay, had some interesting details, the microchip and world-building about crime, how kidnappers would gouge their victims, but I’m not entirely sure how much they had to do with anything going on right now. I feel like I should be happy that he didn’t jump off the bridge, I guess perhaps the implication was faking his death? But it was kind of written like an anti-climax. There’s a lot there, and I do question how much was a necessary part of the narrative. Okay, onto a more selective analysis. There was a good amount of sentences that didn’t need to exist, with the information that had already been stated. Using context clues, opposed to spelling it all out.
It was raining heavily, it had been dark, visibility had been low,
It was raining heavily, it had been dark,
If it’s raining and dark, and in the very next sentences it’s explained that there's poor conditions and the guy himself can’t see. You really don’t need to also add the visibility being low, it’s already something the reader should be able to grasp.
His little apartment with his head down, and conveyed her the sorry news. It was his mother because of whom he felt the most sorry for.
His little apartment with his head down, and conveyed her the news. It was his mother because of whom he felt the most sorry for.
A smaller example, though there’s a couple times where an adverb was added that probably didn’t need to be there, the very next sentence already expresses how sorry he was, adding sorry to news, isn’t necessary. There’s a lot of filler sentences, that I feel could have been cut entirely without hurting the story.
But had been his first car of seven years, and people tended to grow kind of attached to their first and long-time rides alike. He had been no different.
But had been his first car of seven years, and people tended to grow kind of attached to their first and long-time rides alike.
It had been a dead-end one - being an office accountant, to be more precise -, but it had brought the cash in.
It had been a dead-end one - being an office accountant - but it had brought the cash in.
Enough for his mother's (and, as an extension, his own) rent He had intended to eventually buy a new car with that. And perhaps a washing machine for his mother (and, as an extension, himself).
Enough for his mother's (and his own) rent
He had intended to eventually buy a new car with that. And perhaps a washing machine for his mother (and himself).
I guess you could consider this debatable, because it’s added for effect. Maybe it work better as direct inner dialogue, like it was some kind of catchphrase. But it does doesn’t do anything for me...
He had been doing. And little else. Just reading mail and watching some videos. Boring search history, all undeleted (except for that one link which was, on purpose, porn - he had thought it might seem too odd if he were entirely a saint for two weeks and didn't give the recovery team anything to find).
He had been doing little else. Just reading mail and watching some pornography that he purposely left for recovery.
Or if you need to have random details...
He had been doing little else. Just reading mail and watching some videos. His two week search history undeleted (thought purposely leaving a porn link for the recovery team to find.)
I feel there’s a lot of stuff like this and my question is the same. How much does the porn tangent really add to this story? It’s stuff like this that feels like it doesn’t add anything. But it if still needed to be included, it could have been those, at least keeping it brief.)
Also, the structure of the sentences look really weird with all the empty space, especially the dangling single sentence. “He had left two thirds of his remaining money for her to find.” bit. I’m assuming this was copied and pasted elsewhere and just not properly spaced out and not done purposely.
Well, I’m not sure if I really have any particular problems with enough sentences to worth mentioning. So I’ll just describe the whole and my problems with the story. The length far exceeds the 500-1000 word prompt, (At least I figure that’s the case, why else make a maximum?) was supposed to be closer to. There was a lot of telling as opposed to showing, the structure/spacing of the story seemed a bit overdone.
There was sentences that probably could have been cut and perhaps as someone who occasionally has this problem themselves, you were a little obsessed with color when it wasn’t important or at least being focused on of the character. Which lead to describing the same person’s hair as blonde/yellow twice, when once would do.
There was a lot of random names for places and languages, but that leads to my biggest literary problem. Basically the plot twist was that his made up name, in a different language meant something else. But that’s a cheap and pointless twist, because the reader doesn’t know the language, they don’t know the character’s understanding of that particular language either. So it feels out of place for his whole world view to shatter over something with no context clues or foreshadowing backing it up. That along with long exposition from a guy who he clearly hated, just bought everything the man said hook, line and sinker? Did he prove anything he claimed? Story just kind of lost me in the end, and it had so much longer and more words to expand itself but the whole ending is unsubstantiated and narratively unjustified.
I don’t have any selective problems with this one, but it also hardly felt like a story at all. It was two espousing lines of dialogue and that was it. No movement, scenery or emotion or really anything substantive. Without even a starting paragraph setting the scene. I can only imagine this being done by two faceless robots, standing still and speaking a foot away from each other. Even the stories title doesn’t mean anything that I can tell either, but since it’s not just called Untitled, maybe since it’s a future date, it really is just like two text simulators sending generated dialogue back and forth.
Didn’t exactly give my imagination anything to immerse myself in. Perhaps it was my own stupidity, but I occasionally lost track of who was speaking, since there’s almost no indication. The dialogue just fell flat for me. I’m not entirely sure which character (or if it was both) was the focus, or how, they changed or exactly how it had to do with “New Beginnings”.
I’m honestly not sure how to describe my thoughts on that one without sounding too harsh. But an entire story about a character doing nothing, wanting to do nothing and calling everything boring. It doesn’t exactly make it a thrill ride to read either... I just have to get into the specific critiques... ”You have to do something at some point.” you have to do something now, something later, something yesterday, and tomorrow, and everyday.
She probably did too. Her name is Miriam, after my mother. Part daughter, part sister, part lover, part caretaker, and part everything in between save ruler.
”You have to do something at some point.” You have to do something now, later, yesterday, tomorrow, and everyday.
She probably did too. Her name is Miriam, after my mother. Part daughter, sister, lover, caretaker, and part everything in between save ruler.
All of those filler words could be cut, especially the second sentence that already adds ‘part everything’, making most of that already feel a bit redundant, even without the added words. grains and grains
building and building
more and more
maybe afraid maybe stupid
forming nothingness out of nothingness
seems almost happy. Almost. Almost
Actually the word count was close to what I’d deem acceptable for the given prompt, so maybe if it was less frequent, I’d just outright give these a pass. But there’s just so much constant repetition in this story that could be fixed...
Maybe afraid and stupid
Forming nothing out of nothingness
Seems almost happy. Almost, like she thinks something new might occur. How long are you going to sit around and mope she asks.
When will you just make something already she exclaims.
You leave me no choice she exclaims.
She asks, How long are you going to sit around and mope.
She exclaims, When will you just make something already.
She exclaims, You leave me no choice.
You seemed to only occasionally use quotation marks for dialogue, but you still phrase them like it’s been spoken now, if it was past instances of somebody speaking to the character. They should be like that, so it’s less confusing, if nothing else. (Maybe I'm mistaken here.)
Time doesn’t exist, nothing moves because nothing is real. Maybe something is wrong, but everything is wrong, she isn’t an exception worth wasting time on - what time?
I get it. Time isn’t a thing. But then again, after I’m told time isn’t real, time is still used several times after that to describe something else... transient but alive for the briefest of times.
These are one of those times where it feels like too much time was spent using a thesaurus, weighing it down in big words, instead of used sparingly to spruce up a narrative. Because transient already means, lasting a short time. Therefore, assuming the reader knows what the word meant, they wouldn’t need to told it lasted “the briefest of times.”
Sentimental over the tiniest of the universe, an amusing thought, whether or not sentimentality was something I could still feel is up for debate, though.
I can’t bear to hear her, wrap my hands over my ears to shut out the sound.
Patience is one trait I value more so above any. I’m good at it.
Okay, the first sentence is just a bizarre piece of writing that I honestly can’t wrap my head around why it bugs me as much as it does. But it does lead to asking a question, of how much cognitive dissonance is done on purpose in this story?
The character questioning, if s/he even understands the idea of having emotions and feelings, but apparently can understand having value in patience? (and describe/have many other feelings as well in the story itself.) What? And s/he’s self proclaimed how patient s/he was, but covers his/her ears to stop listening to people like a child?
The character keeps praising herself, and since it’s done in first person. I imagine all the wording might imply the character is pretentious? Like I genuinely don’t know how much, if anything, was done on purpose, but I kind of hated the character of this story. But I feel like I suppose to empathize with them…
(Sorry...)
Yeah...I understood absolutely nothing going on that. It just sort of abruptly ended out of nowhere with practically no coherent build up and felt very cheap in an attempt to be shocking. I don't have any idea how this guy who already kind of sounded nuts, ending up being nuts and gutting himself, was relevant to the "New Beginnings" either.
The sentences italicized vs unitalicized seemed odd to me and I couldn’t tell exactly what it was differentiating. I figured, thought vs not. But that doesn’t really add up when I compare certain parts of the sentences. Most of it, I just didn’t understand the inclusion or what it was supposed to convey... I only have a few particular examples to point out...
His fellow Lords of Chaos closed in on him. They had green hair, just like him. That was funny. All he knew was pain. He laughed.
I have no fix for this. This is something I almost wondered if it was purposely tongue in cheek. But them “having green hair like him” adds absolutely nothing to the story and could have been cut out. It just seems so randomly inserted right after being told he's being chased by 'Chaos Lords'...but the entire sentence (like many) just seemed off to me. looking confused. He was confused.
The second sentence could be completely cut and it’s also the only time the italicized bits was done for a single word/or anything other than a whole sentence, hence adding to my confusion.
Well for starters, edgelord isn’t a word…
I kid, and clearly you are too. So I feel judging/critiquing it, or even mentioning that it ‘broke the rules’, misses the point. But it certainly gave me a giggle.
Everyone's a critic eh? ^-^' (But that was an interesting experience and contest. I hope everyone enjoyed themselves.)
(Not including myself.) On the story I enjoyed the most. I'd vote "Potatoes" By @Exit. But the ones that probably did the best with the prompt was "It’ll get easier over time" by @PlatinumSkink probably followed by The Elder's Due by @Kalleth.
Oh my, I nearly forgot about this because of the slow as balls server. ^-^' I'll be reading and doing my best to give some critique and praise where I can find either, forgive me ahead of time. :D
@PlatinumSkink Thanks, glad you thought so. It does have a lot symbolism (which I'll admit, I don't do a whole lot of it usually.) And it's a little analogy heavy. Wasn't sure how'd it come across. Did my best trying to give enough information, trying to make it feel like an actual short story, without plainly stating everything. Figured the point of "A new beginning" was trying to focus on the path to overcome, rather than dwelling on the past. Least that's what I figured. I look forward to giving yours a look tomorrow, when I'm not half-asleep. x3
Seeing red, unable to decipher the literal from the figurative, though he wouldn’t even be able to decipher waving his paw in front of face due to the growing thickness of the fog. Holding his breath and slowly pushing forward like he was submerged in oil, feeling an suffocating aura, depleting the oxygen out of his lungs. Bastian had pushed forward, taking several attempts reaching out blindly, grabbing Elizabeth’s hand. The necklace grew warm around his neck. Desperation grew in his head like weeds, more and more thoughts of his children suffering and dying on the ground like his friend, sprouting in his mind, covering up any other thoughts and killing them. Bastian grew impatient like time, progressing forward without concern of its surroundings. His heartbeat accelerated, suddenly bolting through the tunnel, unknowingly tugging her behind him.
“Call me mentally unstable? You can hardly keep yourself from spilling out onto the ground like a cracked egg. If that necklace drove your father delirious in his age, it’s doubtful you have much time left.” The woman thought, staring forward into the crimson haze that the two eventually vanished from. The tattoo on her leg glowing brightly and stopped, causing the fog to quickly disperse into nothing, revealing the supposed tunnel being covered in rubble. Turning to the rock wall to her right, suddenly opening up, stepping through the light. “So full of hubris, he really is unaware of how insignificant he is compared to his father...you better hurry and get to the next town, or your target will slip right through your claws, by nightfall tomorrow...”
Finally realizing when they exited that tunnel. The environment changed dramatically, suddenly seeing bright blue skies and sprawling trees, gasping, albeit not for the fresh air. His ears twitched to the roaring waters rushing closer from behind him, the waterfall shoving Bastian and Elizabeth off the edge of a silvery cavern cliff. Bastian, with seconds to spare, clutched Elizabeth and held onto her. Plummeting into depths of the large translucent lake beneath…
Bastian surfaced quickly with his necklace shimmering, kicking and splashing, swimming toward dry land, leading Elizabeth in his grasp. Getting out of the water, releasing her before coughing and clenching the soft soil in-between his claws seeping through them. With clenched teeth and eyes narrowed, letting out the quickest deep growl, slamming his palms into the dirt, while he simultaneously shouted out letting out his pent up anger...
@KatherinWinter Nice to hear. Though that's a bummer, you should try getting some nasal spray or something to help with that. My mind's been a little distracted and unfocused lately, due to a growing (and very possibly, a phantom) concern. That I unfortunately won't get answered until the first week of next month, so just kind of making myself worry, which doesn't aid in the writing process. >.>
The fog pouring from the tunnel’s exit, growing thicker like standing beside a blazing fire. The direction it headed was obscure as the woman’s explanations. Bastian looked down at Elizabeth, blinking, not knowing how to answer that. He was aware “Peddler” was a seldom used code name, for his beastkind friend. A well kept secret, meaning the assassin had to know him well enough for that. The sole reason for coming down here relied upon how much his friend allies could be trusted. His instincts were poorly balancing on a fine wire, high above the ground, wavering the longer he stood around. Only staying confident that he had made the correct decision, from his refusal to be wrong. He smiled at her, looking at the assassin, giving her a reserved stare.
“Although it remains speculation on my part. I’ve been told before that the assassin guilds have allied themselves over the past decade, which lead to them combing their resources and wide access to underground pathways. Impressive underground tunnels that are interconnected and span across multiple forts, towns and cities. Removing mountain ranges and heavily dense forests, large bodies of water, structures and the rest. Greatly reducing their travel times over what would be considered long distances...the guards in the city aren’t actually concerned with me, if anything they’d be interested in my knowledge of this place-” Bastian explained.
“And ya betta keep ya trap shot.” The woman scorned, rhythmically tapping her foot. One, two three times, growing further irritated, wiggling her fingers and toes. She stormed over and picked up her crossbow of the floor, and briefly aiming it toward Bastian, her arm fully extended, promptly pointing it at the entrance. “Ya know, I wahz only instructed to keep ya alive and take ya near the whoresis. Do not test me.”
“Maybe it’s pointless to ask questions. Clearly this woman isn’t mentally stable, leaving may be our better option...” Bastian thought clenching his paws, despite feeling disappointed in his own grumpiness, bitter as a lemon. Merely nodding and offering to take Elizabeth’s hand, before stepping through the fog and only time would answer where they’d eventually end up...
@KatherinWinter Well typos and otherwise aside. I just thought it was funny. :P
I'd reply tonight, but I'm pretty out of it. Been taking me longer than I expected playing catch up this month.(Not even my birthday yet, but I certainly have been feeling old something. x3) Had a good day, but I'm just striking out in coming up with something to write before bed. So I'll likely respond in the morning.
[h3][u]My Very Brief Bio[/u][/h3]
Male, 33 years old. ([s]I'm even more dead than before.[/s])
Likes (other than writing and roleplaying): I'm into all genres of music. I love to cook. [url=https://imgur.com/a/Mvb1A5r]I love the outdoors[/url], and walking through the park near my house. (Yes, really.) I read a lot of thriller/mystery novels. And I [i]usually[/i] watch seasonal anime. (Or cooking shows. [i]Because Western Media provides even fewer things that are worth watching.[/i])
But as for my many other neglected hobbies, I've played basically every sport. (Soccer and Bowling being my favorite of the bunch.) And I'm trying to play more video games. (Going through my never-ending Steam library.) Plus, I've dabbled in making electronic & metal music, and I used to play a number of instruments. (Guitar, French Horn, etc.)
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Hope you have a wonderful day!
[img]https://i.imgur.com/Vhh9p3I.png[/img]
<div style="white-space:pre-wrap;"><div class="bb-h3"><span class="bb-u">My Very Brief Bio</span></div><br>Male, 33 years old. (<span class="bb-s">I'm even more dead than before.</span>)<br><br>Likes (other than writing and roleplaying): I'm into all genres of music. I love to cook. <a target="_blank" rel="nofollow noopener" href="https://imgur.com/a/Mvb1A5r">I love the outdoors</a>, and walking through the park near my house. (Yes, really.) I read a lot of thriller/mystery novels. And I <span class="bb-i">usually</span> watch seasonal anime. (Or cooking shows. <span class="bb-i">Because Western Media provides even fewer things that are worth watching.</span>) <br><br>But as for my many other neglected hobbies, I've played basically every sport. (Soccer and Bowling being my favorite of the bunch.) And I'm trying to play more video games. (Going through my never-ending Steam library.) Plus, I've dabbled in making electronic & metal music, and I used to play a number of instruments. (Guitar, French Horn, etc.) <br><br>My 1X1 Interest Check: <a href="https://www.roleplayerguild.com/topics/175576-sleepingsilences-tavern-want-1x1-rps-please-come-in/ooc">SleepingSilence's Tavern (Want 1x1 RP's? Please come in.)</a><br><hr class="bb-hr"><br>Hope you have a wonderful day!<br><br><img src="https://i.imgur.com/Vhh9p3I.png" /></div>
Member
Birdboy,
xVampire3go,
Antlers,
Space Core,
X Fiendfyre X,
Zeus23,
Hibachi90,
Nightwing95,
BurnDaWitch,
Stargazer6225
