SleepingSilence — Roleplayer Guild

My Reviews:
Overall Review: “Wah Wah Wah” the story. The joke ran itself into the ground.

"Huh, so it begins again," a certain man said aloud to no one as he stood on the sidewalk and glanced up at the sky. The gentle blue was being rapidly hidden by grey and black clouds, signalling the start of yet another rain storm. Statistically, it was very much like any other modern city; dense buildings, costly housing, and terrible traffic at certain hours of the day. It would have been a decent enough place to live if not for the weather. Some liked the rain. Some did not.  Almost none liked it for at least three hundred days every year. Take into account the lightning strikes and occasionally power outages, it was not a very happy place to live, and more than a few struggled with retaining happiness.

The very first sentence is a run-on sentence. 

The second sentence and others could be simplified, a good writing tip is take a complicated sentence and remove fluff and unneeded words and ask “does what I took out, change what I wrote?” Don’t need “rapidly”, Don’t need “signalling” and “the start of”. (Pick one.)

A granted nitpick but the third sentence doesn’t really add up to the fourth. “Costly housing” “Terrible Traffic” then “It rains hundreds of days in a row and nobody likes it.” which somehow equals. “Yeah, the city is nice.” Well, I’ll take your word for it then.

“Some did not.” Doesn’t need to be there. The previous sentence already states the weather hinders the city. 

The last sentence has multiple word bumps. “Almost” “at least.” It just makes the sentence weaker. (And there’s other instances in the story that I won’t cover for the sake of repeating myself.)

“It would have been a decent enough place to live if not for the weather. Some liked the rain. Nobody liked it three hundred days every year.”

Take into account the lightning strikes and occasionally power outages, it was not a very happy place to live, and more than a few struggled with retaining happiness.

*Occasional “,and more than a few struggled to be happy” doesn’t need to be there, when “it wasn’t a happy place to live” is already self explanatory. (I’d also make “was not”, wasn’t.)

The man on the sidewalk was not one such person.

Contractions are your friend. You use them for other words, there were lot of ‘was not’ that could be ‘wasn’t.’

He saw past the clouds to the cheery sun that was still glowing overhead.

“He saw past the clouds to the sun still glowing overhead.” 

Ask yourself, what does “cheery” add when you picture this image in your head, less the sun has a smiley face. I can’t see it being a useful descriptor.

To his surprise, a third bolt of lightning tore its way through the air and hit a nearby street lamp, causing the bulb to for a fraction of a second glow brightly before bursting into a shower of glass fragments.

This is also a run-on sentence. (Certainly not the last one, but again for the sake of not repeating myself.)

and anyone within earshot would invariable hear a "silver lining" to whatever situations and storms had come on that particular day. 

*invariably? Even that doesn’t fit, that word means never changing. Do you mean *Inevitably?

He was merely a blue-collar worker with a simple job, one that he had retained for going on forty years.

“Retained for going on” Doesn’t seem grammatically correct here, and needs to be changed. “Retained for forty years.” “that had gone on for forty years” “had retained for an ongoing fourty years” (And “merely”, also is redundant.)

he said in his strange form of speak

*Speech

Overall Review: An interesting premise/nugget of an idea that feels bogged down by a lot of filler. The ending being a, “There’s also a far more interesting story around the corner.” didn’t help either. 

(I’m also not entirely sure, if it fits the theme of ‘making the best of a bad situation either.’ I suppose the bard, deciding to follow the stranger with a death eater horse to “help him write music.” could be argued is optimistic. But that plot point, isn’t brought up again and goes nowhere...so it’s hard pressed to call it character motivation. Also, a nitpick but the title is very plain. And a better/more accurate title exists somewhere.)

If it would rain, it would rain. If not, they would stay dry, but no-one expected to stay dry.

These sentences are redundant. “If it didn’t rain, they’d stay dry, but no-one expected to.” Would fill all the blanks on its own, do you really need a sentence “if it rains...it will rain!” there, when the whole first two sentences warn about the weather...

The only precaution he had taken was putting his lute on his back and make sure his cloak fully covered it.

*Made

Songs sounded better when there was music accompanying the words and if, for whatever reason, he couldn’t sing he could still play his lute. 

Just remove “for whatever reason/his lute” to make the sentence quicker and clearer. “and if he couldn’t sing, he could still play.” The reader can guess you mean the lute since you just brought it up…

There were some trees alongside of it, they didn’t seem like they would really shelter him from heavy rain.

The sentence could be more concise. An example. “Alongside some trees that wouldn’t shelter him from the heavy rain.”

So far it had remained dry and he was well on his way to the next city, but it wouldn’t hurt to look for possible shelter. With clouds as dark as these in the sky, it would be a miracle if he would stay dry.

‘Remaining dry, hoping to stay dry.’ This is unnecessary redundancy. I’d remove the first part of the sentence. “He was well on his way to the next, but it wouldn’t hurt to look for possible shelter. With clouds as dark as these in the sky, it would be a miracle if he would stay dry.”

Soon the first drops fell from the sky. He barely noticed it at first, he saw the drops of water before he felt them.

Remove “Soon” and “at first” because it’s another (use the same uncommon word directly next to each other.) repetitive sentence. Also the ‘barely noticed’ part seems inaccurate, since the following sentence describes that he even noticed the rain before it even touched him. “The first drops fell from the sky, he saw the drops of water before he felt them.”

He stopped for a moment and watched the farmers work their field, he didn’t doubt they were complaining about the weather, but they would get their job done regardless.

Run on sentence? (Could be wrong there. Apologies, if so.)

Another thought crossed his mind: if there were farmers there, there had to be farm around here too.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he? There, there, There. Change it. “Another thought crossed his mind: Farmers were there, farm had to be around too.” So there’s less theres.

Even the bard’s poem could be less repetitive with its word choice

He tried to come up with a good word that rhymed with land and that could be used in the song.

I feel the latter part of that sentence, “and that could be used in the song.” could probably be inferred. 

Well, that wasn’t perfect, Not Perfect

Paragraphs repetitive beginnings. Maybe change. “Well, that could have been better.” or “Not great,”

Most women he had seen with such white hair were old, many women didn’t even reach the age that would turn their hair white.

You don’t need to specify “white hair” again, when the description of the woman’s hair was already given. And the latter sentence just further adds to the repetition. Change to, “Most women he had seen with such hair were old. Many women didn’t even reach that age.”

Not fearing the possible rain then and facing the rain now seemed like a good decision.

Nothing wrong. But I don’t understand what’s meant by “possible rain then.” It’s already raining...it’s not possible rain, if the rain hasn’t stopped…

(Also, confirmed idiot bard. “A death horse, that goes out of its way to trick and eat people? But maybe the pretty lady will make me think a tune.” Let’s follow em. :P)

He seemed to graze from the grass growing on both sides of the road, but Mikhal knew these creatures were carnivores.

The latter half is a redundant idea. The story already strictly clarified, it tries to drown and eat people. Of course, he’d know (and the reader would to) that the animals were carnivores. It doesn’t help when the characters decide to further clarify anyway…

Although he had to admit that no-one liked it when a wolf killed and ate a man, but no-one faulted the creature for following its instinct.

This is also a semi-redundant idea. Since the cat and mouse story already happened and it’s point was “Can you blame one for following its instinct?” with the only separation being a man. It feels like something could be edited to get the point across faster.

the rain turned into a light rain, and then it stopped.

“The rain slowed and then stopped.” (to reduce repeating the same words.)

Maybe walking in the rain wasn’t all that fun, but that moment when the rain stopped, when the sun shone again and started to heat up the wet plants, that made him happy.

Redundant idea. The previous sentences were already about the ending rain and the plants. Cut this sentence. His subsequent cheerful whistle and smile, already clue us into the mood.

Mikhal lead the way, followed by Meria and Bäckahäst followed her.

Mikhal lead the way, followed by Meria and Backhast behind her. (Again, less repetition.)

the sun had lifted his spirit and during his travel he often played some music, sang a song or whistled a tune. Especially when he was alone and had no-one to talk to.

The reader already can tell it lifted his spirits. And it doesn’t need to be explained that the “Bard”, plays music. (Again.) Nor that he likes to whistle, when he is whistling in the former half of the sentence. Possibly change to, “As they walked over the path Mikhal continued his whistling, doing so often during his travels. Especially when he was alone and had no-one to talk to.”

The water horse took off and ran towards the lake and Mikhal and Meria took a small break in which they drank water, ate berries and told each other where they came from.

As the settled down, tasted the berries and drank fresh water, 

*As they 

Though more importantly, just cut the whole second sentence...it’s a direct repeat the previous one. 

(You could also take out “in which” and add a comma between ‘break’, ‘they drank water’)

After the break they went to the lake. The big lake

After their break they went to the big lake. Surrounded by forest-” (You get the picture by now.)

There’s a saying, “Is this the most exciting moment of your character’s life?” If, no. Why aren’t you telling me that? And the ending just kind of resonates that idea...and makes me want that story.

Review Overall: A simple story, that was appropriately brief. The “Why include this?” story wise, had some tangents that weren’t particularly interesting. Might be a sap, but I can relate to a story about a kitty. It’s cute enough.

Sophie had seen him on many a rainy day, 

This might have been on purpose, but it’s still grammatically off. Change to. “Many rainy days”

He ought to always stay where I can easily spot him, she thought wryly, bringing her mug up as her attention turned back to the showers outside. 

I do that alot, don’t need ‘back’. “Her attention turned to the showers outside.” 

As she watched the showers now,

Could be cut, she’s still in the same direction from before.

Protecting her from toe to kneecap but no more, they’d made her early puddle-splashing exploits possible, invariably landing her soaked when her raincoat and umbrella failed to compete in the face of her enthusiastic leaps and bounds.

Run on sentence?

And that’s where we differ, Sophie thought, smiling as she adjusted the mug in her hands

No period or punctuation, and her sole movement relating to the mug (again) doesn’t really need to be there either.

Sophie would easily say she loved it—storm, shower, drizzle, downpour

“The endless list” could be stripped entirely and get the same point across. But if it must be included it would make more sense to have it actually vary by intensity. Instead of randomly, like storm (heavy), drizzle, (light) downpour/shower (basically the same thing.) Change to, “sprinkle, shower, storming.” (But removal is better.)

When she’d lost her umbrella in second grade, 

managed to lose it in second grade.

Change latter “in second grade” to “at such a young age”. Or something to that effect to reduce repetition. 

She’d argued with her mother that day, running out into the slippery streets in desperate anger, no destination in mind but forwards.

*forward

Thinking back, Sophie realized that her first reaction to her dear Pluvius was, in fact, anger;

Does it really add anything to add “in fact”?

Childishly unimaginative as she was, her fifth grade self had been taken by the idea of seeking shelter under the slide in the neighborhood park, but when she arrived on scene, she found the spot already taken.

But whatever her initial impression of the tiny creature, when she finally bent down to investigate further, she found waiting for her a being wholly innocent and helpless, pitifully mewling from the corner it’d huddled itself into.

Run on sentences.

Not helping the creature she’d found hadn’t even occurred to her; in fact, it wouldn’t occur to her

Remove “in fact” and remove the latter “occur to her” and the sentence still works just fine.

And it was from that moment on—not earlier, and not later—that Sophie decided firmly that it had been love at first sight.

‘The not earlier, later’ bit is wholly unnecessary. And again the ending paragragh, is the same as the beginning of the previous paragraph. Whether purposeful or not, feels stale. I’d change it. Maybe outright remove the sentence, since it goes into detail later anyway.

Her memories were skewed by hindsight romanticisms, she was sure, but such was the only way she could express the pure affection she felt for Pluvius.

There’s sentences in this story that could be made more concise, so you wouldn’t have to overcomplicate your sentences with a bunch of added punctuation, if you just wrote simple and more straightforward sentences.

“Certain her memories were skewed by hindsight, expressing her affection felt for Pluvius.” (Is just one way, the sentence would be made simpler, concise and get the same message across.)

No longer would her peers’ accusations and taunts her pierce at her soul,

*her (misplaced.) Change to, “accusations and taunts pierce her soul.”

As his coat grew longer, she replaced her anxiety with snowballing confidence, learned to ball her fists and smile through her freckles. 
 
As he grew more luminous, more present, Sophie grew to stand straighter, laugh louder, and before she knew it she was bound to college, a real girl at last, ready to take on the world and all it was made of.

It’d physically hurt to leave Pluvius behind, yes, and though the video calls did little to help—Pluvius looking wildly around for her when the mic produced her voice in staticy imitation, thoroughly confused by what he couldn’t understand to see—he was waiting for her when she got back, a bit less lustrous but no less loving, all purrs and adororant nudges. 

Run on sentences. (If I’m mistaken on any of these, my bad.)

Review Overall: I appreciate that this is the only story that didn't take the prompt literally and use rain. So originality points. And possibly the least amount of repeated writing errors or patterns that I can recognize.

But I honestly just felt completely detached while reading this...The first part didn’t really connect with the second part and it just kind of ended flatly.

(I cannot for the life of me, figure out how this story remotely connects to the prompt of following a character making the best of a bad situation. The medic, seems to be trying to be kind and optimistic in the war to ease the MC’s injuries. But that isn’t the character were following, so how’s that relevant? I'm sorry, if this doesn't feel particularly constructive, but I'm at a loss for words.)

Whether or not I’m acclimated to the sound of explosions nearby is up for debate, but it still stands that I barely notice them any more;

*anymore

Yeah, maybe it’s lazy not to comb over everything. There was several times were it felt redundant and I think a couple sentences were run on's and other times could be edited to be more concise. But by putting it in first person, you could argue that it was apart of the character’s perspective and personality. So I’m going to leave it at that...(hopefully someone else can do a better job at the nitty gritty details.)

Review Overall: Some good writing. Probably some of the best of the stories. Very verbose and figurative language and detailed. I'd say it makes an interesting prologue-type piece. But despite being twice the length of the other stories, I still feel like the aftermath may have been a far more interesting venture. That I don’t get to witness...

(I also don’t quite understand how this has to do with the character making the best out of worst situation. I guess, they try to survive. And one seems happy that the lands (and people?) drowned in rain. But it feels like it ended on a bad note, over everything ending and they don’t seem that optimistic about it. But fearfully (and I suppose romantically.) clinging to one another. Realistic, of course. But fitting the theme? We haven’t really seem them go through the actual bad situation yet, it ended on the world ending...And if the bad situation was waiting for the rain, it seems less so compared to the place drowning.)

It is for this reason that on this particular summer’s day, with the cold breeze blowing over the gently waving tufts of grass that topped Maradûn’s sand hills, that Meldie paid no mind to the skies, even in the lovely shade of cool emerald they now displayed. 

Run on sentence.

Of course, every person in the clan had to do their part, which meant that she was relegated to excarchivation. 

Aside from “big” words for the sake of big word syndrome on display throughout the story when easy words would make it and easier read and often the bigger words aren’t really adding to the atmosphere of the story in question. I may be mistake but “excarchivation” isn’t a word. And if it’s some fantasy word, (or if google and webster dictionary are both thick) it still likely doesn’t need to exist.

Meldie would dig holes, ostensibly looking for treasures, despite the fact that she had never found any. The elders in the clan insisted that excarchivers had unearthed some of the most valuable secrets and lost artifacts in the clan’s possession.

Abverbs are already usually filler words that don’t need to be in stories. But “ostensibly” which means apparently but not really, which how one differentiates “looking for” and “apparently, not actually, looking for” visually I wouldn’t know, but certainly doesn’t need to be there either. Especially since the latter sentence, points out she’s not actually finding anything. 

There’s another non-existent word. So it’s on purpose then? Do you mean excavator? (excavation) Wouldn’t treasure hunter or archaeologist suffice?

“That’s a load of rubbish,” Meldie grumbled, her face locked into a petulant pouting expression.

Use either petulant, or pouting. Both get same point across.

He had been walking up this particular sand hill in search of solitude and found something better. The Patriarch’s daughter, playing at being an exarchiver and digging around in the dirt.

If this is worldbuilding, it’s forced to use the word over and over again. When the audience would get the point. Same advice I’d offer when using the word elsewhere. Just change it to. “The Patriarch’s daughter, playing around in the dirt.” We already know she’s digging.

Caraw sniffed at her, and walked to the edge of the sand hill, taking a seat on his perch to look out over the clan’s living grounds. The sand hills formed over long periods of time, the direction of the winds curling the hills over to form large crests atop which grasses often grew sparsely. To look eastward in Maradûn was to face a vast horizon of frozen waves, not dissimilar to the great seas of water that some of the eldest clansmen swore lay far to the west and the north.

Run on sentence in there. And as exciting as describing the sand land is, as pertinent as it is to the story in question. (literally getting drowned and everything.) There’s many paragraphs like this that could be cut of fat and mean the exact same thing. (like really, do you need “a sea of water”? Unless it’s made of blood. I don’t think you need that clarification.)

Caraw sniffed, and walked to the edge, perching to look over the clan’s grounds. The sand hills formed over long periods, the winds curling the hills to form large crests, which grasses grew sparsely. Eastward in Maradûn was a vast horizon of frozen waves, similar to the great seas that some of the eldest clansmen swore lay far west and north.

She could feel her lungs burning, with the lifting and the stomping giving her some sense that she could stomp and wrench her problems out of her life.

Change one of the stomps, and could. So you aren’t repeating the use of uncommon words. Example. “She felt her lungs burning, with lifting and stomping giving sense that she could wrench the problems out of her life.”

Caraw and Meldie both flinched at the same time, their thoughts broken up by the discordant noise which broke the silence they had surrendered to. 

Run on sentence?

“You stupid…” Caraw pressed both palms to his face, screwing them into his eyes in frustration.

I only point out this sentence, because it provides nifty and presumably figurative description. But like nearly every single line spoken in this entire story is added with the exact mood the character is feeling. Can’t I as a reader, comprehend facepalming and “screwing his eyes” and calling her stupid. That he may be frustrated, without needing the explanation. (I’d do similar things to other statements made throughout the story.

Final Thoughts/Vote: In sheer terms of writing quality I may have picked Monsoon on Maradûn. But if I'm going with fitting the theme, and taking over thousand words less it took for me to care/empathize with the characters in said story. My pick goes to 'Campanula Raineri' by @Dusksong
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