SleepingSilence

Men vs. Women Race to 1000: Version 2.0

-278

What Are You Listening To?

Video Games: The General Discussion & Community Thread

Oh, you're that person aren't you. Okay, adds up.

The things you labelled as PR problems I have not agreed to be problems.

@Dolerman

So let me get this straight.

The thing you don't know about, you don't consider a problem. Good for you?

Also, that's not even what PR means. So...that's only mildly irrelevant?

Jimquisition, the youtuber.

@Dolerman

Great, you know. So...maybe...look those videos up and watch them then. Ya, know if you have nothing else better to do. And you're here, so that's just a guess on my part.

But, my focus was never really talking about the game in particular. So feel however you want about it.

Company got bad PR, and rightfully deserved it. Fin.

Edit: Also, a bracket isn't related to spelling. Since you didn't know. ;)

RPGC#27 - To the sky! (Voting and Feedback)

@Calle Sorry, didn't mean to leave you hanging. ^-^' Hope I can participate in the next one. And I appreciated the effort made of updating the contest.

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Unfortunately, this month was a little too hectic on my end to work on my story. But I did write a plot outline. (That’s longer than one of the entries now that I look at it again.) But I guess it was a little too ambitious, since it probably would've been closer to the maximum word count. Oh well, there’s always next time. Least I can do is give these entries a thorough review.

If anyone really wants to read the very bare bones of what I had in mind.

Title: Earn Your Wings Kenku.
Theme: Comedic/Dramatic
Characters:
1. Hiss, Kenku (Cursed Child/Rich Human Parents abandoned him.)
2. Boss, Fencing Winged Kobold (Took Kenku in as an assistant.)
3. The Framemaker, Genius Human Mechanic (Human covered in steel parts, because he’s been horrible burned. As if he had a face he’d be wanted and imprisoned.)
4. Murmur, Horned Devil (Contract For Wings/To Return A Ward They Stole From Him.)
5. Scree’s, Harpies (Forest Battle)
6. Ashern, Silver Feathered Dragon (A godly figure/Watches Kenku hurl himself off a precipice.)

Plot: Start by detailing the cruel city, and how one child would be cursed with a wingless raven's body. As it cuts to sounds of the Kenku fleeing out of a chimney across rooftops. Where gruff yelling soldiers chase him, and he misses a jump off a building into the trash filled alleyway. Where he pretends to be a dog, so one of the soldier's hiss like a cat, and he curiously pops his head out and quickly dives back in. Scared off by the soldier's torch, while mentioning that the Kenku may have a dagger that can cut through almost anything.

New scene starts with him heading to his bosses hideout where he berates him for stinking. But is otherwise happy that he got something valuable. As they have a conversation about how he stole, and how he wants to fly again. The Kenku speaking in many other people's voices. Because Hiss, the Kenku, has caught the boss in a rare good mood. He tells him about a murderer that was wanted everywhere, who purposely burned off all his skin. And says he now makes frames for those who can afford it. Giving him a promised 10% cut of the sale. Kenku then goes off in the back where he sleeps, to count his money hidden inside a boar’s skull. (Piggy bank geddit?) Where someone storms in to berate the boss for scamming him. So the boss makes a lie that he owns a ridiculously vicious pet, and on cue, Kenku makes a noise that scares the baddie off. Then Kenku/Hiss comes out to his bosses praise, where he mentions he needs one more coin. The boss begrudgingly accepts, and says it’ll come out of your next cut.

Scene changes as Kenku eagerly goes to The Framemaker at night, seeing a robotic smelting place. Who explains he can craft him a usable set of steel wings, but it will take several months at least. (As Hiss also keeps trying to touch equipment laying around that he is warned about being fragile, after it was already too late.) Meanwhile, the framemaker’s giving some bastard a similar makeover, something that’s obviously incredibly painful from their agonized high-pitched screams. Hiss is obviously scared of the fiery sight, and wants it now, so he leaves disappointed.

Though on the same night, he meets a devil, who promises a painless pair of wings. But when Kenku receives them, he still can’t fly, much to his own dismay. So the devil explains that he never promised flight, but he’s willing to do another contract once he completes this one. Explaining a ward for the demons is out there, and stolen by some harpies who unfortunately are banded together. And he merely wants it back by any means necessary. As the devil asks Kenku if he knows what Harpies look like. So Kenku scree’s out and looks at the map given to him 'free of charge'. (Joke of one ear suddenly bleeding like a faucet after Hiss ruptures his ear. As the devil plugs it with a claw, then eventually a bandage.) He’s then told to earn his wings (title drop) or he’ll take them back while they're still in a fresh and fragile state.

Scene changes to the Harpies within a large forest outside their city, and they end up holding him down and ripping off one of the wings during their encounter. So after a quick chase, where only one remains on his tail. They’re defeated/tangled in a giant pile of living thorny vines. (Which Kenku freed himself from by using his knife.) Coming to save the head of the first fellow harpie, that Kenku cuts off and mimics her cries with to lure them in. Scene changes to as Hiss returns with the ward in the graveyard, where he was supposed to meet the devil. He explains that without a second wing, he’ll never fly without divine intervention. Or perhaps he’ll take flight when he dies.

So as a last resort, the Kenku climbs to the top of a mountain where a silver feathered dragon is worshiped and protects his city. Following a path of fallen silver feathers, to a slumbering and friendly dragon, who merely wants to sleep and tells the Kenku that he cannot grant his wish. Explaining many have done so much more than he ever will, and yet they have never learned to defy their mortality. So in spite of this, Hiss climbs up to the edge of a precipice and leaps off. Only to barely avoid his head from smashing into the ground, and in that briefest feeling of magically hovering above the ground, it inspired him with the determination to keep going. But the dragon shuts his eyes and warns that he has no intention of saving the fool again. So the Kenku mimics the sounds of him doing so again, letting out the same horrible screams he heard in The Framemaker's lair that greatly disturb the silver dragon. So the dragon opens his eyes, and sees the Kenku merely sitting there beside him with an innocent smile. Causing the Silver Dragon to sigh, before touching the Kenku’s forehead with a single claw, promising that one day he would earn his flight.

But the Kenku returned to his bosses shack in disheartened defeat, assuming he’ll need to wait for The Framemaker to make a replacement wing. However, he notices that the boss's shack had been set ablaze. And, hearing his boss' voice inside, he runs straight in the flames to save his boss. Ending with a sudden rain and successfully pulling his boss out of the burnt down home, as the boss stares up at a Kenku, now with two wings, indeed earning his flight in death. So for sacrificing his life, the boss begrudgingly tells Hiss to take a day off work. So Kenku smiles and eagerly flies off into the sunset.

Preamble: So, whenever I write or edit any story, I run it through Google Docs or any place with an automatic spell checker. Because that sort of feels like the bare minimum effort required to make sure there’s not really easy and fixable errors in my story. (And knowing how the writing process is, there’s still always something that slips through the cracks.) But, I’ll admit, when I copy+paste a story into Google Docs and there’s several highlighted problems right off the bat. It does make me feel a little less motivated to plow through them. And that’s the case with two of the three stories, before I even read them and notice what Google missed. (Which I know it did from merely skimming the works.) But, typos aren’t everything. Nor will it particularly affect my overall impression, if the rest of the writing is solid. So with the prewritten preamble out of the way, I’m going to read and review these from smallest to largest. (Since that’s what I usually do.)

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Review Of, 'Once Upon A Feather'

Yellow is an opinion on what I'd change. Red is an error.

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Climbing the mountain wasn't the easiest thing I'd ever done, but it also wasn't the hardest- But I had to do this, I had to test this out.

*Spacing error. But ‘ - ‘ should also probably be a ‘ . ‘

On its own, the introductory sentence has a sense of character. But my general rule of thumb. (And a good rule for most stories really.) Is asking yourself, “Do I lose anything in the message whatsoever, by shortening or removing repeated words to make this mean the same thing?”

Edit: Climbing the mountain wasn’t the easiest, nor hardest thing I’d ever done. But I had to do this, I had to try.

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I got to one of the higher up peaks as I looked over the clouds below me. I was rather high up, and now was not the time to freak out. I looked back towards the wings on my back, this was all still so weird to me, it was only the sixth day of this sudden mutation.

‘I got higher/now i’m so high, i looked back at my back’

Repeating words so quickly isn’t a good way to structure sentences. (And if you follow my edit, you also remove already repeating ‘out’.)

Edit: I got up to one of the higher peaks as I looked over the clouds below, and now wasn’t the time to freak out. I looked at the wings on my back. It was the sixth day of this sudden weird mutation.

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I closed my eyes, feeling the soft wind against my feathered wings. I reopened them to step a couple of steps forward until I was at the edge. My fear was starting to strike me, pinning me to the spot I sat in. I breathed in slowly as I closed my eyes again, moving to step off the mountain. I flapped my wings quickly, starting to freak out at the fact I was in fact falling rather than flying. I flapped my wings more to attempt at trying to pull myself up from my downwards fall.

Okay, if the narrator/narration is meant to be this repetitive. I’d argue that it doesn’t help add anything.

Though the first sentence is fine. But when you mentioned eyes and then the wings, and said you “reopened” them. Since you mentioned wings last, I automatically pictured you were talking about the wings.

So I added a bit of flair, but mostly I’m just trying to eliminate the unnecessary amount of repetition. Like using “freak out” again. Or “the fact i was in fact” or “Step a few steps”

Edit: Feeling the soft wind against my feathered wings. I reopened my eyes to creep forward until I was at the edge. Fear pinning me to the spot I stood in. I breathed in slowly as I closed them again, moving off the mountain. I flapped my wings quickly, starting to panic that I was falling rather than flying. So I flapped my wings more to pull myself up from my sharp descent.

---

I moved to scream before something suddenly gripped onto my sides and pulled me up. I looked up to see a large figure, I couldn't see much past the fluffy auburn feathers. The beast glided safely down to a large treetop nest, gently placing me down before perching quietly on the edge.

The reason you don’t need to say the character looked up. Is that it’s obvious the figure pulling him up is above him. Also, you used large to describe something in the last sentence. So even if it’s merely a different word for large, it’s better than repeating the same word.

Edit: About to scream before something suddenly gripped my sides and pulled me up. I looked to see a tall figure, but I couldn't see past the fluffy auburn feathers. The beast gilded down to a large treetop nest, gently placing me down before perching quietly on the edge.

---

"Humans don't naturally have wings." The large bird spoke, moving it's head to preen its' feathers. "You're not very skilled with flying, are you?"
I stammered on my words with a weak smile, "Haha, No, not really. I got these a week ago." I said as the bird pulled it's head from their wings. "Do you think you could... teach me?"
The bird gave what sounded like a chirped laugh, it's neck and wing feathers puffing as it did so. "Bless your soul little Human." They said quietly before they fanned their wings out slowly. "It's easy, you just have to focus. And don't just dive off one of the highest peak."

*its instead of ‘it is’

*I know it’s dialogue, so technically I can assume the character said it wrong. But I’m pretty sure you meant to say ‘peaks’.

Also, the odd spacing is likely the fault of copy+pasting into the forum.

And for something less important, I just noticed you italicized all the speaking in the forum’s entry. Though that’s usually used for internal thoughts, I almost wrote it off as a deliberate style choice. But then you also used it to emphasize words. When that’s usually bold. But if I mesh these two ideas together, I have to assume all the speech is being said emphatically. Which is obviously not the case. So the styling seems odd is all.

Edit: "Humans don't naturally have wings." The bird spoke, moving its head to preen its feathers. "You're not very skilled with flying, are you?"

I stammered on my words with a weak smile, "Haha, No, not really. I got these a week ago." I said as the bird pulled its head from their wings. "Do you think you could...teach me?"

The bird gave what sounded like a chirped laugh, its neck and wings puffing as it did so. "Bless your soul little Human." They cooed before they fanned their wings out slowly. "It's easy, you just have to focus. And not dive off one of the highest peaks."

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I looked down as the Bird mentioned about jumping, before I nodded. "Right." I said before I stood up, shuffling over to the edge of the nest. I fanned my wings out slowly, "Focus." I mumbled to myself before I leapt from the edge, I felt my body dip down before I started to flap my wings.
I spun slightly as I dipped down, before I started to gain altitude. I span on my way up, pushing past the trees and aimed for the clouds.
I felt like screaming as I broke through the clouds, spinning as I did so. I stopped beating my wings, I floated in the air above the clouds for a second, slowly beating my wings to keep myself above the clouds.

*spun (Though I’d edit it out, with other repeated ideas.)

Edit: I looked down as the Bird mentioned jumping, before I nodded. "Right." I said before I stood up, shuffling over to the nest’s edge. I fanned my wings out, "Focus." I mumbled to myself before I leapt and started to flap my wings. I spun slightly as I dropped, before I gained some altitude. Spinning on ascent and pushing past the trees, I felt like screaming as I finally broke through the clouds. Then I floated in the air above the clouds for a second, while thrashing my wings to keep myself there.

---

A figure zoomed past me, I watched in amazement as they span around and dove beneath the clouds quickly. They weren't the Bird from earlier. They were faster and smaller, I moved to follow after quietly, diving below the cloudline. As I dipped down I saw them suddenly dart right past me, I moved to follow before I started to drop down. I was so caught up with figuring out who it was I forgot to flap my wings, dropping towards the ground; I fanned out my wings to at least slow down the fall, I looked up to the figure flying down towards me. They grabbed me quickly, flying me down to place me safely on the forest floor before taking back off again into the air.

Edit: A figure zoomed past me. I watched in amazement as they spun and dove beneath the clouds. Faster and smaller than the Bird from earlier, I tried to follow it by diving below the cloudline. As I saw them suddenly dart past me. So caught up in figuring out who it was that I had forgotten to flap my wings. Dropping towards the ground, as I fanned out my wings to slow the fall. I looked up at the figure flying after me, as they grabbed me and placed me down safely on the forest floor, before taking off again into the air.

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I watched them fly off slowly, giving a small smile as I moved to stand up properly, "One day I'll catch up to you." I promised to myself, fanning my wings out slowly.

You really do use certain words a little too much here.

Edit: I watched them fly off, giving a smile as I stood. “One day I’ll catch up to you.” I promised, fanning my wings in preparation to try again.

I changed the ending line to actually create some kind of conclusive element to the story.

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Overall: I’m afraid this feels unfinished to me. It doesn’t seem to have a real ending. And the purpose of the second savior bird is a odd detail to add. But that’s kind of all the background I was given. And the addition of it being a mutation almost feels meaningless without any additional context given to it. There’s not much in terms of wordplay, symbolism, scene setting or character. So I was left with, was some grammatical mistakes and two-thirds of a “person does a thing three times to succeed” story.

Review Of, The First and The Last

Green is what I liked. Yellow is an opinion on what I'd change. Red is an error.

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Somewhere high above, there lies a shadow upon the wind. The bird feels it in the brittle hollows of her bones, in the faint chill that sweeps across her tail-feathers, and in the ancient, prickling certainty that something is watching with malign intent. She has not seen it, she cannot be sure of it, but still she knows that it is there.

It’s a good start to the story, and good starting line. So allow me to nitpick at the flavorful description of how the bird felt. Since it feels like it could be even stronger, if made as perfectly concise as the first line. As the descriptive sentence feels a little long. Like ‘the brittle hollows of her bones’ sounds nice enough on its own, but effectively both words are conveying the same thing. And the reader knows it’s a bird, so they’d know her bones are hollow. Also every bit starts with “in the”, and it feels like it doesn’t have to.

So mind, I think it’s good enough to not need an edit. But tell me how this works. And if my edit takes out anything crucial ‘emotionally/visually’.

Edit: Somewhere high above, there lies a shadow upon the wind. The bird feels it in her brittle bones, and in the cold pricking certainty that sweeps across her tail-feathers. As she has not seen it for sure, but she still knew something was watching with malign intent.

---

Her small, dark eyes twitch at erratic intervals, sweeping the surrounding skies. A slight change in the sun’s light, or a faint blur of movement off in the distance; these might be the only warnings she receives before clawed death comes hurtling at her out of the blue. A predator’s eyes are better than hers, sharper. They’ll have seen her long before she ever sees them.

It paints a good picture, but again, I must nitpick the little extraneous details in the question of “could this be more concise and stronger as a result”.

An example is describing ‘the faint blur of movement off in the distance’. When I don’t know if you need to include all of that, for the reader to ‘get it’. Especially, when the first paragraph went out of its way to explain the unseen (therefore probably distance) danger. Plus, the semicolon meant to make that whole thing a single sentence, feels out of place for me personally.

So, my edit could probably use its own flourish. But I feel like it ends stronger by making her death the last piece of the paragraph. Opposed to the rather obvious statement of “since the predators eyes are better, that means they can see better too.”

Edit: Her small, dark eyes twitch at erratic intervals, sweeping the surrounding skies. Since a predator’s eyes were sharper than hers. The only warning she’ll get is a faint blur of movement, or change in the sun’s light, before a clawed death comes hurtling out of the blue.

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She flies onward, time inching forward moment by straining moment. A cold breeze cuts across her path, and she turns to greet it, riding the cool air and taking its speed for herself. Gravity is ever-present, its greedy pull faintly weighing on her even as she soars, but her wings are firm and wide, her flight muscles full of strength. The earth has long since lost its power over her.

I like the build-up, and the last line a lot.

And I write stuff like this too. But I tend to feel like a ‘moment by moment’, or other repeating words such as ‘over and over again’, can always be written in a better way. And that first half is precisely that way, so I’d edit the redundant half out. (Though I’m also doing other minor edits for nitpicky reasons, such as ‘onward and forward’ both being used, despite meaning the same general thing. )

Edit: She flies as time inches forward. A cold breeze cuts across her path, and she turns to greet it, riding the air and taking its speed for herself. Gravity’s greedy pull is ever-present, faintly weighing on her even as she soars. But her wings are firm, wide, and her flight muscles are full of strength. So the earth has long since lost its power over her.

---

So she does not fear the fall. She knows that true danger lies overhead, in the fleeting black W-shape now glimpsed at the corner of her vision. Her wings begin to beat with all their strength, her heart thundering with fear; she has less than a second to move before it is upon her.

You used strength in the last sentence. So I’d change it to remove repetition. And the first line may be better removed, since it feels like the same message is being delivered as “the earth’s gravity losing its power”, albeit less interesting. Then you also remove repeating the word fear.

Edit: But she knows that true danger lies overhead, in the fleeting black W-shape now glimpsed at the corner of her vision. Her wings begin to beat with all their might, her heart thundering with fear, for she has less than a second before is upon her.

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Sometime long ago, she had crawled up onto the edge of her nest, staring down at the mossy expanse stretching far away below.

Gravity waited there, jaws spread wide and waiting. One wrong step, and its tongue would snap out and wrap around her, drag her from her perch and dash her fragile body against the hard, flat earth. The young bird’s wings ruffled nervously, her head shrinking back into its mane of downy feathers. This did not seem like a good place to be. Better to retreat, to squeeze herself back into the center of the nest with her siblings and wait for her parents to return with food.

So the two frequent occurrences I feel I could say about the paragraphs, is there’s good writing under what seem like rather stretched out sentences. And lines which are little too obvious considering what was written prior and become wholly unnecessary. (“This didn't seem like a good place”) being the example here.

Also I don’t know if dash is the right word there, or at least it sounds off to me. Like if the bird is hitting the ground, bash or crash, might be more fitting. But that’s assuming I’m reading the details right.

There’s also a couple extraneous words every now and then, which I don’t think help the messages you’re trying to convey. For example describing your character looking down from a high tree to the ground as, “far away below”. Instead of merely “far below”, where the former implies that the floor somehow isn’t directly far below them. But at a distance from them.

Edit: Sometime long ago, she had crawled up onto the edge of her nest, staring down at the mossy expanse stretching far below.

Gravity waited there, jaws spread wide. One wrong step, and its tongue would snap around her. And drag her fragile body from her perch against the hard, flat earth. The young bird’s wings ruffled nervously, her head shrinking back into its mane of downy feathers. Better to squeeze herself back into the center of the nest with her siblings and wait for her parents to return with food.

---

Yet something, an inexorable force at the back of her mind, kept calling her here. That great open space, the air on every side, whispered in her head with a temptation as irresistible as hunger itself. Pushing against her wariness and self-preservation, she stepped a little closer to the edge, wings slowly unfolding and stretching out wide to either side of her. She flapped them, just a little. It was a good feeling.

Her mother alighted on a nearby branch and tilted her head to one side, cooing encouragement at her daughter’s progress.

The first sentence in particular could be made less complicated. The way certain sentences are structured seem a bit unnecessarily complicated. Too many commas, semi-colons, and fluff words that don’t help the better parts shine.

Edit 1: Yet an inexorable force at the back of her mind, kept calling her here.
Edit 2: Yet something kept calling her at the back of her mind.

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And for just a moment, the young bird chose to look back, wondering if her parent had brought a meal to reward her bravery. Just a moment, but it was enough: her balance faltered, her feet lost their grip, and she tipped forwards off the nest and into the empty air.

Panic clenched her like a vise. Her wings fluttered desperately, churning up winds all around her and turning a gentle fall into a wild tumble, spinning her every which way—

To no avail. Gravity’s jaws snapped shut around her, and she crashed to the ground.

I really do like how you build certain rises and conclusions of tension. (You got my empty soul to feel. :P)

The paragraph as a whole is good. I’d remove the colon. (Which I’m not even sure is the correct punctuation to use anyway.) And a few descriptors you don’t need. (Example, if the bird tips off the edge of a nest and falls out. Do you really need to add forward?) Also, “like a vice” is an odd descriptive addition since human technology doesn't fit the setting.

So I’d edit that out, and the second ‘just a moment’ so you don’t repeat the same phrase so quickly.

Edit: And for just a moment, the young bird chose to look back, wondering if her parent had brought a meal to reward her bravery. Then, her balance faltered and her feet lost their grip. She tipped off the nest and into the air.

Panic clenched her. Her wings fluttered desperately, churning up winds all around her and turning a gentle fall into a wild tumble, spinning her every which way—

To no avail. Gravity’s jaws snapped shut around her, and she crashed to the ground.

---

Somewhere high above, a shadow strikes in the space of an eyeblink. A monster, a thunderbolt, a black blur moving faster than she can see, open talons punching through the sky just inches away from her wingtip. She is sent flying, tumbling, cast aside by the wake of something much larger and faster than she.

The bird is no longer a novice, however. Her wings move with a deft and easy power now, overwhelming the windy currents around her and quickly reorienting into a stable flight.

Edit out repeated phrases and ideas.

Edit: Somewhere high above, a shadow strikes in the space of an eyeblink. A thunderbolt, a black blur moving faster than she can see, open talons punching through the sky just inches away from her wingtip. She is sent flying, tumbling, cast aside by the wake of a monster.

The bird is no longer a novice, however. Her wings move with a deft and easy power now, overwhelming the windy currents around her and quickly reorienting into a stable flight.

---

She can see the shadow below her, already leveling out of its barely-missed dive and climbing fast in pursuit. A young grey falcon, sleek and swift and strong. It closes in with every passing breath, the long strokes of its wings seeming effortless in comparison with her own desperate flight.

She flies on nonetheless, her long adult feathers giving her a lift and velocity she could only have dreamed of in her youth. Her heart is a mad rhythm of fear, her muscles burning bright with the force of her exertions, and yet it’s still not enough, not even close. The space between them narrows, gleaming talons drawing ever nearer to their prize, and she has no weapon with which to defend herself, no hope left but for one final reckless maneuver.

She pulls her wings in tight against her body, and lets gravity snatch her away.

Everything here is decent. “Her heart is a mad rhythm of fear” is probably the best line, even if it might not need the “of fear” to work. And I don’t know if the falcon needs three descriptors per say. But I don’t want to seem too nitpicky here. Writing’s solid.

Sometime long ago, she had struggled upright, shrugging off specks of dirt and leaves to look out all around her. Somehow, in spite of everything, she was alive. A little bruised, a little dazed, but not hurt so badly that she couldn’t move around. Lifting her head, she beheld the world from a new perspective: the bark-laden pillars of creation now stretched upward rather than down, and the floor around her seemed to extend on and on into an unseen distance. She could walk as far as she wanted, she now realized, and never have to worry about falling again.

But walking had never been what enticed her so.

*had (wanted/realized is past tense)

A few too many paragraphs start with somewhere, sometime long ago. (In a galaxy far far away...)

I’m admittedly only editing out a bit of the fluff/pretense that I personally find overdone. But it’s obviously not needed for the sentence.

Edit: In the aftermath, she had struggled upright, shrugging off specks of dirt and leaves to look out all around her. Somehow, in spite of everything, she was alive. A little bruised, a little dazed, but not hurt so badly that she couldn’t move around. Lifting her head, she beheld the bark-laden pillars of creation now stretched upward rather than down, and the floor around her seemed to extend into an unseen distance. She could walk as far as she wanted, she now realized, and never had to worry about falling again.

But walking had never been what enticed her so.

---

Her old nest hung far overhead, so tiny from here. On an overlooking branch, her mother chirped appreciatively down at her. She took a few steps, gathering courage, and then unfolded her wings once more.

A hop, a flutter, and a short glide that soon came to a sudden and ungainly halt. This time, however, there was barely any distance to fall, and gravity brought her down with a calm and gentle embrace. She tried again, flapping hard and fast without quite lifting off, testing the power and limits of her wings.

And then she leaped up off the ground, and did not come down.

It would only be a few seconds before she landed again, still weak and uncertain in her own ability. For that tiny sliver of time, however, the air belonged to her. She could still feel the earth’s pull, tugging away at her, but now it was no more than a simple constant, to be obeyed only at her own pleasure. She swam into the sky, up and up toward the glimpses of blue peeking through the canopy above, and understood then in her tiny brain that an infinity beyond all imagining lay open and waiting before her.

I appreciate the creativity of the last line, even if it’s a bit cheese. Here’s some editing suggestions to make sentences more concise.

Edit: Her old nest hung far overhead, so tiny from here. On an overlooking branch, her mother chirped appreciatively down at her. She took a few steps, gathering courage, and then unfolded her wings once more.

A hop, a flutter, and a short glide that soon came to a sudden and ungainly halt. This time, however, there was barely any distance to fall, and gravity brought her down with a gentle embrace. She tried again, flapping hard and fast without quite lifting off, testing the power and limits of her wings.

And then she leaped up off the ground, and did not come down.

It would only be a few seconds before she landed again, still weak and uncertain in her own ability. For the air belonged to her in that tiny sliver of time. The earth’s pull tugging away at her, but now it was to be obeyed only at her own pleasure. She swam into the sky, toward the glimpses of blue peeking through the canopy above, and then understood in her tiny brain that an infinity beyond all imagining lay open and waiting before her.

---

There is no room for error, no path she can take that will allow her to escape. The open sky closes around her, cold laws of physics binding and sealing her fate.

She dives straight down, plunging fast as the wind itself in a final moment of defiant grace. The sky is hers, the fall is hers, her wings and weight and streamlined feathers bending the air in perfect synchrony to carry her anywhere and everywhere in the world.

The shadow follows, stronger and faster and heavier. Its talons close around her like a cage, and with a quiet snap and crack she is reduced to a small and ugly thing, feathers sticking out at ungainly angles from a mass of broken flesh and bone. Her mind fades slowly into cold and darkness, her last thoughts of infinity ticking down to a simple, empty zero.

The falcon spreads its wings, levels out, and glides away into the open blue.

-end-

And now I’m sad. :c

---

Overall: Perhaps a little overwritten at points. (Glass houses coming from me.) But I liked most of what you wrote. Had plenty of strong, emotional sentences. Plus, you build rising tension fairly well. So thumbs up from me. Please forgive the nitpicking.

Review Of, The Sky-Sailer

Green is what I liked. Yellow is an opinion on what I'd change. Red is an error.

---

A gentle breeze blew over the meadow on the hill, a few clouds moving in the blue sky. A man was lying in the dancing grass, looking at the clouds chasing each other.

So it starts with a basic set up explanation with the wind and the grassy location, and then adds the exact same thing again but more appropriately through a character’s perspective. So there has to be a better way to write that. And here’s my attempt.

Edit: A man was lying in the dancing meadow, as a gentle breeze blew over the hill, watching the clouds chase each other in the blue sky.

---

Smiling softly he closed his eyes and let his mind wander on the rhythm of the wind as he relived the dream he just had. When the wind laid down he opened his eyes again and frowned. He needed the wind and couldn’t stand the windlessness. His element was air after all and his special skill was wind manipulating. But he couldn’t just manipulate wind he needed wind, he needed to feel the wind to feel good, not feeling the wind would make him feel anxious.

*Some commas or connective words are needed in places.

This paragraph is a bit repetitive for the idea it’s trying to get across. It doesn’t need to say wind that often. But you can let me know if my shorter version is missing anything.

Edit: Smiling softly, he closed his eyes and let his mind wander on the wind’s rhythm as he relived the dream he just had. When the wind laid down, he opened his eyes again and frowned. He couldn’t stand the windlessness. As his element was air and his special skill was manipulating it. But he also needed to feel its presence, or otherwise he’d become anxious.

---

When the breeze continued he sighed happily and relaxed again, of course, he could just run or at least move to create a sense of wind but a natural breeze was so much the better. His eyes moved to watch the clouds in the sky with their ever chasing shapes.

Another sigh escaped his lips but this time it wasn’t a happy sigh, it was a more glum one. If only he could fly amongst the clouds, the pleasant feeling the remnants of the dream gave him wore off and he only felt down that it had been just a dream and not real.

*Commas

Like, I know what it means. But without a comma in the first sentence, it sounds as if “the breeze” is the “he” in the sentence.

And okay, this might be on me entirely. But ‘ever chasing shapes’? Did you mean ‘ever changing shapes’? If not. I know the details of the clouds moving/chasing each other already. So I’m hoping that leads to symbolism of some kind since it’s being brought up again.

However, I am holding out hope for learning more about the man here. As the last line sort of gives you a feeling of character.

Mind, my edit is merely trying to make the paragraph feel more concise and connective.

Edit: When the breeze continued, he sighed happily and relaxed again. Of course, he could just move to create a sense of wind. But the natural breeze was so much better...

Then another sigh escaped, as he watched the clouds in the sky with their ever chasing shapes. But it wasn’t a happy sigh this time, it was a more glum one. If only he could fly amongst the clouds, the pleasant feeling given by the dream’s remnants wore off, and he only felt down that it had been just a dream and not real.

---

“Keith!? Keith, where are you!?”

Keith rolled his eyes and sat up. His quiet time was disturbed by one of his sisters, Hazel by the sound of the voice.

“I’m here sister dearest,” he shouted back.

Keith stood up, brushed the grass off of his trousers and waited till his younger sister made it up the hill. He heard the bristling of her skirt through the grass before he saw her.
“What’s up?” he asked.

Hazel panted heavily as she had kept a quick pace up the hill.
“The carriage arrived. Ben is home again. Stella wants you home. Dinner. Dad is away again.” She managed to say.

Keith shrugged and walked down the hill alongside Hazel.

“What is wrong Keith?” Hazel asked after an exceptionally long silence, usually, Keith talked her ears off and this silence wasn’t like him at all. He seemed to be a bit down to her.

Keith glanced at his sister, there wasn’t much that escaped her perceptiveness. “what could be wrong, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the wind is blowing.” he replied with his best grin.

Before Hazel could respond he started chitchatting about his day.
Hazel glanced at her brother but let it rest for now and listened in silence to his chattering.

*Commas, Capitalization.

Not much to say here. A fairly plain and dry exchange. (The spacing is a bit off in places, but that’s the forum for you.)

Edit: “Keith!? Keith, where are you!?”

Keith rolled his eyes and sat up. His quiet time was disturbed by one of his sisters. Hazel, by the sound of the voice.

“I’m here sister dearest,” he shouted back.

Keith stood up, brushed the grass off of his trousers and waited till his younger sister made it up the hill. He heard the bristling of her skirt through the grass before he saw her.

“What’s up?” he asked.

Hazel panted heavily as she had kept a quick pace up the hill. “The carriage arrived. Ben is home again. Stella wants you home. Dinner. Dad is away again.” She managed to say.

Keith shrugged and walked down the hill alongside Hazel.

“What is wrong Keith?” Hazel asked after an exceptionally long silence. Since Keith usually talked her ears off and this silence wasn’t like him at all.

Keith glanced at his sister, there wasn’t much that escaped her perceptiveness. “What could be wrong? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the wind is blowing.” He replied with his best grin.

Before Hazel could respond he started chitchatting about his day. Hazel glanced at her brother but let it rest for now and listened in silence to his chattering.

---

Back at the cottage Keith and Hazel sat at the table after washing up at the well outside.
The fire was blazing in the stone fireplace and the sturdy oaken table was set with four trenchers.

After a pleasant meal, Hazel looked at Keith and repeated her question from earlier. “What is wrong Keith?”

Keith sighed as now the question was asked in front of his other siblings, Ben and Stella, he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t asked. Stella wouldn’t let him get off easy.
“I dreamed I could fly when I napped on the hill,” he said. “I was flying in the sky alongside birds, chasing the clouds.”

Hazel nodded encouragingly, he dreamed that before.

Stella tilted her head. “And?” she asked impatiently.

Keith clenched his jaw for a moment before he burst out. “It’s not fair that I can’t fly! I control the air! It is my element! I should be able to fly!” Keith shoved his chair back and paced up and down the room frustrated

There’s far more telling, then showing about these characters. Some examples being, you could write a line of dialogue about how Stella wouldn't let him off easy. Versus merely stating that. Same with mentioning how he left frustrated. When the action of shoving his chair and shouting his dialogue was enough of a hint already.

I can’t really “edit” these bits aside from fixing the forum errors in spacing. Without rewriting the feelings or plain statements into actual actions made by the characters themselves.

---

The siblings looked at each other pitying. They knew the feeling.

Keith turned to his brother and sisters again. “It is not fair,” he said again.

Stella nodded. “You are right Keith it is not fair. You control the wind.”

“Yeah!” agreed Keith.

“You aren’t too big, you are a little under average height and definitely slim enough. A lightweight, no, featherweight I’d say” Stella continued.

“Yeah!” Keith said enthusiastically, glad Stella saw his point of view.

“And you are full of hot air and an airhead, no reason you can’t fly!” she finished enthusiastically.

“Ye…. Hey!” Keith glared at Stella who looked back at Keith, smiling innocently.

*Capitalization.

There’s so much dialogue. But I don’t know how much I’m actually learning here. So far I have, “Keith really wants to fly”. And that’s pretty much it thus far...

Relevant Edit: “And you are full of hot air and an airhead, no reason you can’t fly!” She finished enthusiastically.

---

Ben chuckled before he got up and patted Keith firmly on his shoulder. “We know what you feel, we all been through it. Remember when I was standing a the top of the volcano, ready to throw myself in just to be one with fire? Remember when Stella nearly drowned when she wanted to be engulfed in her element?”

Keith sighed and nodded as he deflated fell back in his chair. “What if I just make a really strong gust to lift me up?” he asked.

Hazel shook her head. “You can’t control it, it would have to be a very heavy storm force to lift up anything your weight. And if you slip up only once you’ll cause havoc if that storm gust rages uncontrolled.”

Keith nodded pensively, he knew he wasn’t strong enough to control such a force for longer then maybe a minute. A few years back he had tried and it was only thanks to his father that it hadn’t gone out of control. But he had fallen hard and some damage to the surroundings was done.

*Multiple errors, capitalization, wrong and missing words.

And I’d rather have seen that dangerous part of the character’s life than the exposition scene over the kitchen table...

Edit: Ben chuckled before he got up and patted Keith firmly on his shoulder. “We know what you feel, we all have been through it. Remember when I was standing at the top of the volcano, ready to throw myself in just to be one with fire? Remember when Stella nearly drowned when she wanted to be engulfed in her element?”

Keith sighed and nodded as he deflated and fell back in his chair. “What if I just make a really strong gust to lift me up?” He asked.

Hazel shook her head. “You can’t control it, it would have to be a very heavy storm force to lift up anything your weight. And if you slip up only once you’ll cause havoc if that storm gust rages uncontrolled.”

Keith nodded pensively, he knew he wasn’t strong enough to control such a force for longer than maybe a minute. A few years back he had tried and it was only thanks to his father that it hadn’t gone out of control. But he had fallen hard and some damage to the surroundings was done.

---

He took a sheet of paper and folded it over and over again, unfolding and folding.

Stella cleared the table while Ben sat next to Keith and turned to him. “It is not easy to be an Elemental as the need to be close to your element, the urge to feel it is ever persistent. Although it is harder for some than for others,” he said. Ben glanced at Hazel who was the only of the siblings who only contemplated by getting buried in her element, earth. The others had been at the brink of actually doing it in their respective elements.
“The Calling of the Element is both fantastic and horrible, soothing and frustrating. Our Element calls us always, urging us to be part of it completely. It is a never-ending battle to withstand the Calling.” he continued, speaking softly with distant eyes.

Removing some repetition. But really all of this is treading over a lot of the same ground.

Why is the first part of the conversation even being had anyway? Since both the character, and the audience know this from what was said prior. And this dialogue feels a bit unnatural, in that it’s clearly for the reader. And not for the character that it’s meant to be addressed to. A, “So as you all know,” kind of exposition dump.

Also the spacing error in this instance, brings a bit of confusion over who said the second part. But I assume it’s the same individual.

Edit: He took a sheet of paper and repeatedly refolded it.

Stella cleared the table while Ben sat next to Keith and turned to him. “It is not easy to be an Elemental, as the urge to feel it is ever persistent. But it is harder for some than for others,” he said. As Ben glanced at Hazel, who contemplated getting buried in her element, earth. Although the others had been at the brink of actually doing it in their respective elements. “The Calling of the Element is both fantastic and horrible, soothing and frustrating. Our Element calls us always, urging us to be part of it completely. It is a never-ending battle to withstand the Calling.” he continued, speaking softly with distant eyes.

---

Stella returned with a damp cloth to wash off the table. “Besides Keith, if humans were meant to fly they would be born with wings, just as they were meant to be underwater for a long time they would be born with fins and gills.”

Keith nodded absentmindedly as he watched his fingers play with the paper. He frowned and more carefully looked at what he folding

Hazel leaned closer to see what Keith was doing. “Just don’t do stupid things like letting a friend steal all the flight feathers of chickens and ducks to make a pair of giant wings and jump off a stable to try and fly.”
It had cost Keith a month on the bed to recover from his broken leg after that stunt.

Keith grinned and held up up a paper aeroplane. “Maybe humans can fly with the right tools” he said triumphantly, as he launched his paper plane that glided through the air a bit before landing in Stella’s hair.

Hazel hid her head in her hands for a moment with a groan. “I said DON’T do stupid things like that.”

Keith jumped up. “Going to bed, see you all in the morning,” he said as he rushed out of the room.

*Missing and repeated words. Punctuation and capitalization.

It is fair to guess that this was written and posted without being reread?

All this conversation later, and I guess I’ve learned that the other siblings don’t want Keith to keep causing trouble? Because I feel like I’m supposed to be rooting for the main character here, but I keep getting hints of the character sounding/being an utter pain in the ass.

Edit: Stella returned with a damp cloth to wash off the table. “Besides Keith, if humans were meant to fly they would be born with wings, just as they were meant to be underwater for a long time they would be born with fins and gills.”

Keith nodded absentmindedly as he watched his fingers play with the paper. He frowned and more carefully looked at what he was folding.

Hazel leaned closer to see what Keith was doing. “Just don’t do stupid things like letting a friend steal all the flight feathers of chickens and ducks to make a pair of giant wings and jump off a stable to try and fly.”
It had cost Keith a month on the bed to recover from his broken leg after that stunt.

Keith grinned and held up a paper plane. “Maybe humans can fly with the right tools.” He said triumphantly, as he launched his paper plane through the air, before it landed in Stella’s hair.

Hazel hid her head in her hands for a moment with a groan. “I said DON’T do stupid things like that.”

Keith jumped up. “Going to bed, see you all in the morning.” He said, as he rushed out of the room.

---

*

A few weeks later Hazel passed the shed that still was locked. It was the furthest away of the few sheds they had. It wasn’t the first time she wondered why he hadn’t taken one of the closer ones. Keith had been working non-stop on something. Hazel was worried since his previous two attempts hadn’t gone very well. And the fact that Keith’s friend Alan was helping didn’t really reassure her. Somehow he was always there when Keith's stupider endeavours happened.

Keith opened the door and a smile cracked his face as he saw Hazel. He beckoned her to come in. “Doesn’t it look great?” he asked.

Warily she entered and when her eyes were adjusted to the sparsely illuminated shed she frowned. It looked like a canoe on carriage wheels with a triangular, horizontal sail spanned on a construction above the seat. “What is this?” she asked suspiciously.

*Capitalization, Commas

I’d argue these several sentences aren’t needed. But it’s still telling versus showing much of the time. Though I’m not sure if adding another character helps matters either.

Edit:
*

A few weeks later, Hazel passed the shed that still was locked. It was the furthest away of the few sheds they had. It wasn’t the first time she wondered why he hadn’t taken one of the closer ones. Though Hazel was worried Keith’s friend Alan was helping, which didn’t reassure her. As he was always there when Keith's stupider endeavours happened.

Keith opened the door and a smile cracked his face. As he beckoned Hazel to come in. “Doesn’t it look great?” He asked.

She entered warily, and when her eyes were adjusted to the sparsely illuminated shed, she frowned. It looked like a canoe on carriage wheels with a triangular, horizontal sail spanned on a construction above the seat. “What is this?” She asked suspiciously.

---

Keith’s smile widened, “A fly-boat or Sky-Sailer, this will help me fly. It’s a sailing boat for the sky! I’m going to test it right now, there is a strong wind today. Meet you up the hill!” he said as he pushed the canoe out, Keith and Alan were happily talking to each other about how well it would go as the pushed their fly-boat to the hill.

Hazel tried to stop them but the men ignored her warnings, pleadings and physical attempts to stop them so she rushed to the cottage to warn Ben and Stella that Keith was about to do something very dangerous.
“He made a fly-boat from a canoe, he’s gonna try and fly it!” she cried out to her siblings. “He’s going to roll down the hill with it. I can’t stop them!”

Ben immediately jumped up, “We’d better hurry, maybe we can stop him before he gets there.”
The siblings rushed out but Keith and Alan had rolled their sky-sailer to the hill as fast they could and when the siblings got to the bottom of the hill they could see Keith and Alan pushing it up the last meter.

*They

Changing punctuation.

Okay. So I edit in real time, so I haven’t read the rest yet. But as a reader now, I’m assuming the tension of the story is supposed to come from worrying about something going horribly wrong. Like character injury or death of some kind. But, from how reckless and irrational the main character is starting to come across, I don’t know how sympathetic it would be even if it did have that kind of ending. But assuming it merely doesn’t work. And he gets off without any consequence, for what sounds like countless times before, it seems like he won’t learn anything. And if he succeeds, no one really comes across any better. Since the siblings seem wholly unsupportive in his goals and he seems unconcerned about their concerns for him.

Edit: Keith’s smile widened, “A fly-boat or Sky-Sailer, this will help me fly. It’s a sailing boat for the sky! I’m going to test it right now, there is a strong wind today. Meet you up the hill!” He said, as he pushed the canoe out. Keith and Alan were happily talking to each other about how well it would go as they pushed their fly-boat to the hill.

Hazel tried to stop them, but the men ignored her warnings, pleadings and physical attempts to stop them. So she rushed to the cottage to warn Ben and Stella that Keith was about to do something very dangerous. “He made a fly-boat from a canoe, he’s gonna try and fly it!” She cried out to her siblings. “He’s going to roll down the hill with it. I can’t stop them!”

Ben immediately jumped up, “We’d better hurry, maybe we can stop him before he gets there.” The siblings rushed out, but Keith and Alan had rolled their sky-sailer to the hill as fast they could and when the siblings got to the bottom of the hill they could see Keith and Alan pushing it up the last meter.

---

“Keith! don’t do it!” Ben shouted,

Keith looked over his shoulder and gestured to Alan to hurry up. While Ben raced up the hill Keith sat down and Alan started to push. Ben tried to grab the canoe-like construction but he grabbed only air. As he and Alan tumbled to the ground Stella and Hazel looked at the little construction speeding down the hill. Stellas clasped her hands over her mouth.

Keith was laughing as the sky-sailer picked up speed. “We need more wind!” he exclaimed and with a flick of his hand and a wave of his arm the strong breeze blew even harder, Keith made the wind blow in the horizontal sail and yes, the wheels seemed to get off the ground with each bump and it surely felt longer and longer till they hit the ground again. “More!” Keith shouted and he increased the velocity even more. Up the hill, the four struggled to keep standing and could only hear the wind in their ears.

I don’t mean to sound as harsh as this will come across, but this story's additional elements are only dragging it down. So, if Ben had some kind of elemental manipulation like his siblings and he was really trying to stop Keith. For reasons. Wouldn’t he try using that power? If not, why not? Why does this character have so many siblings, who keep showing up, if they won’t actually contribute any significance to the plot? Keith simply ignored all their advice, and he has the friend to help him build it. It seems like his plan (and frankly the whole story this far) would be going on with or without them.

I can even see an alternative version where the supportive friend character might’ve actually needed or asked for a background dump about the importance of the elements and calling, since they seem like an outsider of it. But I guess you’ll have the chance to tell me...

Edit: “Keith! Don’t do it!” Ben shouted,

Keith looked over his shoulder and gestured to Alan to hurry up. While Ben raced up the hill Keith sat down and Alan started to push. Ben tried to grab the canoe-like construction but he grabbed only air. As he and Alan tumbled to the ground Stella and Hazel looked at the little construction speeding down the hill. Stellas clasped her hands over her mouth.

Keith was laughing as the sky-sailer picked up speed. “We need more wind!” He exclaimed with a wave of his arm, as the strong breeze blew even harder. Keith made the wind blow in the horizontal sail. As yes, the wheels seemed to get off the ground with each bump, and it surely felt longer each time until they hit the ground again. “More!” Keith shouted, as he increased the velocity even more. Up the hill, the four struggled to keep standing and could only hear the wind in their ears.

---

Finally, a stronger gust lifted the boat up and Keith laughed deliriously as it glided through the air.
“Yes! YES!” he shouted.
The next moment the sky-sailer dropped a bit and one of the wheels cracked on a rock. The construction bounced up again and hit the ground again. Keith still was in his high of success and barely noticed the dangerous situation developing.
A loud crack sounded as one wheel broke off completely and the canoe crashed sideways before rolling over a couple of times.
Keith fell out and the sky-sailer crashed against a tree.

“Keith!” Stella shrieked.

They all hurried down the hill, even Alan looked worried.

“Keith are you all right?” Ben asked. “Speak to me man.”

Hazel kneeled down and checked for injuries. Keith moaned as she touched him.
“I don’t think he has anything broken.” Hazel said, “Lot’s of cuts and I see big bruises forming. He is responding to the pain so he’s not too far away.” Her hands rested on his ankle. “I think this one is swelling.”

Keith opened his eyes and moaned again. When he looked in Hazel’s serious face his eyes lit up. “Did you see me? I was flying in the sky!.”

*Lots

Again, the only editing I’d focus on is the odd forum placing of the sentences. But yeah, that was fairly predictable.

---

Hazel shook her head. “you are an idiot. Of all things you did, this must have the most stupid and most dangerous stunt you ever did.” She turned to look at Alan. Glaring at him she told him exactly how stupid she thought both of them were and he better make himself scarce right there and then. Alan, not wanting to get lectured any further, greeted Keith and took off after he made sure for himself his friend would be okay.

Ben helped Keith up. “Can you walk? Are you hurt?”

Keith gritted his teeth as Ben helped him up as he was sore all over his body. He grimaced as he put some weight on his foot. “I might need some help getting home.”
He looked at Stella, “See? Even though humans aren’t born with wings we can still fly. I know this construction has some flaws but we can sail the skies in Sky-Sailers. One day we will all be able to fly.”

*You

Not even a “Thanks” or “My bad.” from our MC, eh?

Well, I guess a “And he accomplished little and learned nothing” was the takeaway message. So, I remember mentioning how I’d like to learn more about this character. But I didn’t really learn too much more about anything that was introduced. The character didn’t grow or change. And the journey, when it wasn’t table talk, only seemed enjoyable for the MC themselves. Because I knew precisely where it wouldn’t go, as it were…

---

Overall: I’m sorry. Sometimes it feels harder to be mild when a story is longer, thereby expecting more time from the reader.

And I really did try to get engaged in the story. Since this is one of those stories that have a random throwaway line that makes me go, “I want that story instead, please.” The line about how the sister nearly buries herself alive one time, because of her desire to be connected to some mysterious inherited power. That sounds amazing, doesn’t it?

But, MC sits, exposition dumps with sibling characters, and learns nothing from their screw up again. Didn’t make up a compelling narrative for me personally.

---

I wish good luck to all three contestants! Hopefully anonymity makes people more compelled to vote. But whatever I or others may say, please do continue submitting stories in the future contests. Because hey, at least you accomplished the step of getting your entry posted.

My vote goes to "The First and The Last."

Video Games: The General Discussion & Community Thread

>Since many individuals never even see background drama, as you admit to be among them.

When did I admit to that? And why do you think you're more privy to information freely accessible on the internet than anyone else? Do you work in the industry?

@Dolerman

>PR problems of their own doing

Not aware of this, elaborate?

@Dolerman

Seriously? Have we been even having the same conversation?

Oh really? Okay tell me a valuable or 'high profile' person who isn't a youtuber or streamer who has been attacked by naughty dog publicly.

And yeah it would because however high profile you claim to be the obviously haven't had a lot of influence over the game in terms of sales or critical recpetion.

@Dolerman

The constant misspellings almost make me feel like I'm being punked. But, a man who does not read, is no smarter than a man who cannot read. So maybe look it up, instead of smugly questioning me about it. Hell, I told you where I got one reference already, that would prove my point, if you paid enough attention and looked it up for yourself. (And you no longer have the excuse not to, after I got to hear "how could I possibly act like I have more information, when I apparently know something you never heard of before?"

Also, basically everything else you said, has already been addressed before. So now I know I'm not having my posts read.

Video Games: The General Discussion & Community Thread

Reviewers weren't allowed to actually mention specifics about Metal Gear Solid 2's story and the marketing actively lied. Deceptive marketing and review guidelines are nothing new and if there weren't any leaks then I guarantee reviewers wouldn't even mention that the game has two playable characters actually.

Also neither MGS 2 or TLOU2 suffered critically (professionally, anyway) or commercially because of this.

@Fabricant451

You know, I'm actually fine with the concept of putting fake scenes in trailers. (In the way Marvel movies, or even TLOU2 did.) Even if you have to admit that you justifiably can make your audience feel cheated. Though in gaming, deceptive marketing tends to be a little more dubious and conniving. Like a Watch Dogs/No Man's Sky/Aliens:Colonal Marines.

And, argumentum ad populum aside, since I just went over it with someone else. Say whatever you want to say about MGS2 and their "writer", but that game was far more ambitious in its aim than TLOU2's 'revenge bad' plot.

Not that I'm saying you're making that comparison per say. But, does Naughty Dog suck less as a company for the things its done, if a game sells well?

And it's not exactly unique as a Naughty Dog game in that regard, since Uncharted 4 is far more successful in sales. And has a much better in combined/averaged critic/user scores. (Though I'd argue that has much to do with the price of tea in china, as any other sales figures regarding judgement of a game's quality, or how sketchy a particular company is.)

Video Games: The General Discussion & Community Thread

The game is made by CD Projekt Red who you were just saying that some people were holding up as one of the last 'good' trip A companies. That sort of falls on it's face when its doing the exact same thing you just accused 'shittier' companies of doing.

@Dolerman

Some. But not me. And you make it sounds, like I'm among them. But even then, if a gun is held to my head to pick a side, yeah plenty of companies have been shittier to its fans, its workers, its games, and its critics than CD Project Red. And I'd say Naughty Dog is among them. Even regardless of TLOU2.

From what I know about DMCA's you are well within your right if someone is using your intellectual property and it isn't fair use. So I don't think that would count as false whether you agree with it or not.

@Dolerman

No, you don't have a right to flag someone's channel because they merely talk about leaks. That is not "using your IP", nor "not fair use", which critique specifically falls under.

None of which hurt the sales of the game very much. If the only people who liked this game were the cricitcs then it wouldn't be the fastest selling PS4 exclusive in existence.

@Dolerman

So, like, we all know that bad things can still sell well right? Because I feel like the "argumentum ad populum" is the worst kind of fallacy. For in the same breath, I can say, in the second week, the game received an 80% drop in sales. Meaning, after the reviews were out, and the people who likely pre-ordered it before most of the drama unfolded had their copy. Also compared to the first game in the series, that's less than half of it's overall numbers.

So does that mean anything necessarily? *shrug* But buying a game, is also not equivalent to liking it either. Since many individuals never even see background drama, as you admit to be among them. When in reality, sometimes it can be bad enough that it *would've* changed one's mind. But I digress.

Why do I get the feeling these 'high profile' individuals are reaction youtubers who have no standing in the game industry? Feel free to correct me if they aren't though.

@Dolerman

Short answer? No. ^-^'

But, would your opinion change regardless of how valuable people consider said individuals in the industry? I reason not.

Video Games: The General Discussion & Community Thread

Plus if pricey pre-orders are the mark of a shitty company, then CD Projekt red is going to be in a lot of bad books when Cyberpunk 2077 releases a 100 dollar ultimate edition that has a keanu reeves action figure or a pink glowstick.

@Dolerman

Well I mean when you have anything resembling this...

Watch Dogs

Then yeah, you're milking it just a bit too much, don't ya think?

And frankly, pre-order culture for digital media is just plain retarded as it is...

Cyberpunk 2077 is on it's 3rd delay. But even if it wasn't there is sort of a pandemic happening.

Yeah see, when I assume a game is going to be mediocre at best. I don't know what you think you're saying when you're telling me that the game has also had several delays and staff problems like TLOU2. Yes, yes it has? And that's usually not a good sign in this industry, is it?

Is this the review embargo? Doesn't it make sense to keep a game with heavy plot twists under wraps as long as possible?

Well not being able to review half of your game for a review is on par with what Ubisoft did with Middle Earth Shadow Of War. And yeah, I don't think that's particularly beneficial to anyone either. But no, I'm talking about false DCMA censorship of youtube channels that covered the leaks.

Not aware of this, elaborate?

Numerous things said and done by Naughty Dog and TLOU2's creators. But a lighter one that comes to mind, which is something I'm aware of because of Jim Sterling, was one writer was comparing TLOU2's story to Schindler's List. And it's director directly attacking several high profile individuals for chiming in to mock that notion.

Video Games: The General Discussion & Community Thread

CD Projekt Red putting a soundtrack and goodies in every copy of Cyberpunk doesn't absolve them of their behind the scenes sins, or at least it shouldn't but at the end of the day that's the only thing that will matter because of the whole 'unlike other devs, we care about the consumer!'

@Fabricant451

Mind, I'm not exactly amongst their fanbase. And I honestly don't know if I've even played a single one of their games myself. (At best I've watched my friend play the original two Witcher games and look bored out of his mind. <.<')

Though I agree that good things don't necessarily absolve any company of past and/or current wrongdoings.

Post a random fact about yourself.

I just learned that Almond Milk is not considered Vegan. Because, and I quote, "Well, uh bees pollinate flowers and stuff, so we'd never have almonds without bees, so using them is abusing the exploitation of animals."

Well okay then. *drinks my white coffee*