She had refused to go easily. Emma Frost had delivered on her promise and had choked her way back through whatever chewed on her and on her way back through the gullet and oesophagus of all things, she saw painted murals in kaleidoscope of all sheโd known.
๐๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ธ, ๐๐ป๐ฟ๐ฒ๐ด๐๐น๐ฎ๐๐ฒ๐ฑ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐ฟ๐ป๐ฒ๐ฟ๐ ๐น๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฑ ๐๐ผ ๐ฎ ๐ป๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฟ๐ผ๐ ๐ฒ๐๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฝ๐ฒ until she returned to a land of grey and black and fog; where apathy marred the very air and weighed it down. It was neither a harsh landing or a reappearance. She just was, again. This world beyond now was devoid of colour. Like sheโd left it all behind in the slipstream. Her eyes flickered open to the gloaming outside. Each shape beyond that created the etching of the city just another piece of the mouth; it was an all consuming place. A rictus grin that had been carved from an architecture that hungered. The thought brought her to her knees. Or had she always been there? Confusion tangled every thought that she tried to form; synapses failing to fire.
Tears filled her waterline and she did not know why, only that they were accompanied by a horrible and roiling, consuming rage. She lashed out with a fist and tore at a bedside dresser until it was on the floor; a glass lamp shattering with the fall.
๐ธ๐๐๐ ๐ถ ๐๐๐๐ ๐ป๐ถ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ท๐ฟ๐๐ธ๐ ๐ธ๐ถ๐ ๐๐ฝ๐๐๐ ๐๐
๐ถ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
๐๐พ๐๐. โIโฆโ she spoke out only to find that her throat was hoarse and why? A feeling in her bones and on her skin that her mutation had left but she couldnโt remember it, or she could, in fragments and broken pieces. The turning and moving through something from somewhere and a sense of turmoil and a feeling of fighting against it all tooth and claw. A face. Fading, but a face and a name. What was the name?
She screamed out in frustration and grabbed the base of what was left of the lamp and threw it as hard as she could at the useless windows, that view out across this starving city and she watched as it shattered further. What she looked at was a place that still wanted her and people like her to be swallowed and buried.
๐๐ป ๐ฎ๐๐๐ผ๐ฟ๐๐บ๐ฒ๐ป๐ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ป๐ ๐ฑ๐ถ๐๐ฝ๐น๐ฎ๐๐ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐บ๐บ๐๐ป๐ถ๐๐, ๐ถ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐, ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐๐ถ๐๐ฎ๐น ๐๐๐ฝ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฟ๐. Krakoa was home, or was home something else? Home was a House, maybe, she thought. Home was somewhere after the vengeance that had occupied her mind. Maybe it wasnโt, maybe after vengeance was just nothing. These horrible emotions, horrible and stirring and tearing at the places that made her feel inadequate. New York was a stomach just like the House.
What House?
She began to weep.
โCancel my meetings today, would you?โ
โMs Frost, you were meeting with a Stark Industries representative todayโโ
โThen send a flower basket. Theyโll live.โ
โOf course, Ms Frost. Is there anything else I can do?โ
โIโll be fine, Faraday.โ
โEm?โ
โHi, Scott.โ
โI wasnโt expecting this. Your call I mean. I wasnโt expecting your callโฆ Is everything okay?โ
โWell I hope I didnโt wake you. What time is it anyway? Iโm sorry if I woke you.โ
โNo, not at all, Iโm awake. Iโm up. How are you? Howโฆ Can I help? uhh. Em?โ
โI just wanted to speak to you.โ
โOh. Right, well, Iโm here.โ
โI went to some dive bar with Jessica you know, in Hellโs Kitchen.โ
โOh yeah? I wish I could have seen that.โ
โMmmm, oh I know you would have liked that. Maybe next time we'll invite you to girls night. Took my own wine of course, and my own glasses. Who knows what filthโโ
โ-Of course you did, let me guess, a red?โ
โMmhmm.โ
โMerlot?โ
โOh you do wound me Scott, I thought youโd know.โ
โOf course I do. Tempranillo. Teso La Monja. Only you would take a three-thousand-dollar bottle of wine to a shithole.โ
โYou always did have a good memory.โ
โFor you? Alwaysโ Emma, itโs not that I donโt want to talk or anything justโฆ Our last conversationโ Wasnโtโ I just, this call feels out of the blue. I've been regretting how we left things butโโ
โDo you remember that time I got sick? Weโd been to Zurich-โ
โYeah. Bahnhofstrasse. You dragged me shopping for half a day, but you know I do remember that the hot chocolate after was nice. The cafe, the snow... The sunset.โ
โOnly
you had hot chocolate, Scott. With marshmallows might I add. I had a brandy. But, Iโm not talking about Bahnhofstrasse. More myโฆ Sudden internal collapse, my mind shutting down. The horrible feeling of being unmoored and full of noise and silence all the same.โ
โI remember. Yourโฆ mind flu. Telepathy sickness. Migraines and the like.โ
โI think I have another one. I feel so overload with telepathic psychic glitches.. It feels like Juggernaut punched me in the back of the head and then some, and then thereโs just stretches of static and silence. I dreamt of. Something, I think. Someone. I was trying to help. A House, someone someoneโฆ I dreamt I ran through Hell to save someone. I think it was meโ Maybe it wasn't. It's like swimming through smoke. I don't think I saved him.โ
โSaved who? Do you want me to come over?โ
โTravel all the way to me from Krakoa? Oh Scott, whatever would Jean say?โ
โEmmaโฆโ
โSorry.โ
โItโs alright. Are you alright? I mean, are you safe?โ
โIโm in my penthouse. Tucked into my four-poster with room service on call. Iโll
think Iโll be fine, I just need to slow down today, let it pass.โ
โAre you sure you donโt want me there?
โNo, you donโt need to come over. I wanted to talk becauseโฆ I do keep thinking about Thea...โ
โIโm coming over.โ
โScott, no. Please. I donโt need you to be here. I called to speak to you. So you'd hear me without... Jumping in.โ
โ...Iโm listening.โ
โMy mind walks me to the nice times you know. Before it went wrong. What it felt like to have her... She used to put too much sugar in her tea. Do you remember that? She would ruin it and Iโd watch her do it every time. Spoon by spoonโฆ I told her it was disgusting. And yet, sometimes I make it like that myself.โ
โYeahโ I remember it. I remember it and then my teeth start to hurt. Theyโre hurting right now.โ
โItโs not like I donโt always think about her, but today itโs different. Itโs like the images are just sitting there on purpose because my mind feels split in two and I keep thinking of what could have been if... If Iโd walked through Hell for her, bartered with a demonic thing. I donโt know. Scott. I hate the way the anger is lodged in me like a knife.โ
โJesus Emma, whatโs all this talk of Hell, anyway?"
โI donโt know John, the dream. I think it's the feeling of fingerprints left behind.โ
โUhm, Scott.โ
โThatโs what I said-โ
โRight, well, Emma, there wasnโt anything more we could have done. I wish that I could have, that we could haveโฆ But Iโm glad youโre talking about her. I miss her too.โ
โI know. Then you understand, itโs not just about missing her. Itโs about every piece that was lost from her future and from ours. Itโs the way my mind feels everyday and itโs about this horrible absence in me. My anger. The way I soothe myself with it.โ
โWe all miss her, Emma. We all do.โ
โThey donโt miss her the same way I do. Do you?โ
โHow is it that you miss her?โ
โLike a piece of me has been hollowed out. Itโs not. It's not just all the grief and anger. I have this constant need to calculate. To think over what we should have done. What we should have prevented and how we could have made it
right. Got her back to us. The
us that she belonged to. Every so often though... I do allow myself to feel grief. It feels... Cruel. But reminds me that Iโm alive and then I come full circle to remember that she is not. I feel it all because she is not.โ
โI feel it too. And I feel guilt, not just for not saving Thea butโฆ For letting youโfor not saving you.โ
โ...Scott.โ
โI think about it all the time. What I missed. The warning signs, I replay them all. Thatโs my knifeโฆ But damnit Emma, I see you. I seeโฆ I see you every day and the way youโre carrying on, even with your anger and the way you donโt want to talk. The way you won't talk to me. The way you never did. I still see the rest of you is there. I see itโ and I donโt want you to be aloneโโ
โStop it. Do not turn this into reassurance for yourself. I do not need you to fix me Scott and I
never have. Not then, not now. My choices were mine alone. I justโฆ Iโm, maybe Iโm weak today. This headache. These thoughts and bruises. I just wanted you to hear me...โ
There was nothing on the line for so long, Emma wondered if it had droppedโ
โScott?โ
โIโm still here. Iโm justโฆ Trying to not get this wrongโฆ Youโre not weak, Emma. Itโs not weak. You canโt hold this forever.โ
โRightโฆ Iโm tired of containing it, even if it is frightening to show
this. I hate our knives. Some days I just want mine to stop hurting. Iโฆ I donโt care how. Thatโs the part I donโt want to say out loud.โ
โEven if there is an angry part of you, I know there are other parts too. All that love you have in you has never gone awayโฆ You see yourself as weak and angry. I don't. You justโฆ You let it redirect. You donโt see that but I do. Youโve poured it into Krakoa. You take care of things and maybe I was too harsh on the platform. I was. We both were. I'm sorry for that, I shouldn't have-- God knows I put my foot in it sometimes. But you were right, youโre doing good work. With your students, with Carl. And this Gala, it seems like something that will be good for you and when the night comes Iโll be there, and Iโll support you and Iโll watch you. I hope it quietens the anger. I really doโฆ I hope it dulls the knife.โ
โWill you wear a suit?โ
โWell, no, I was thinking about a dress actually. Know any good designers?โ
โIโd like to see that.โ
โI know you wouldโฆ Maybe for girls night. But. Yeah... Yes Iโll wear a suit. And Iโll be proud of you and maybe one day Iโll find Sinister and Iโll do what I need to do to rid myself of the guilt and maybeโฆ Fuck-- Iโll feel deserving of you again...โ
โScott. You donโt get to decide that. Not now, not ever. I didnโt call you so you could put yourself on trial for me.โ
โIโm sorry.โ
โNo. Donโt be. This. Iโm sorry that youโฆ You always get the worst of me. This is me being honest and you and I both know that doesnโt happen and it doesnโt happen with many people.โ
โI know. Iโm glad you called.โ
โSo am I. And thatโs newโฆ Thank you for wanting to come.โ
โAlways. Feel better Emma.โ