Doc Doctor

CREATION CHANT - Facere Vs. The Magna Pater

@LeeRoy

Facere was the first to have ever tried to choke the Magna Pater, and it might have come as a surprise to him that the irony was not lost on his opponent. The fact that Facere was trying to turn the tables on it was interesting. But, Facere wasn't on par with the monster in this regard. The Magna Pater was a veritable connoisseur of strangling, reigning high on the echelon of dark gods that enjoyed watching the animation of life leave the features of those they could catch. It enjoyed taking its time, but there was no need for such formalities when it could still consume this one's soul. It ached to know his fear more intimately.

The monster's throat was seized by Facere, but like how his sweat had gifted him another second or two of life, so had his intended prey's glossy slime saved its hide. His initial grip would be tenuous to start, as a thin second layer of slick, soapy mucous would have immediately risen beneath the gluey surface of the first layer, delaying Facere's grip for a mortal fraction of a second.

With merciless deliberation, the Magna Pater reached up with one rugged hand to slip its claws beneath and around Facere's thumb, and with a gruesome *CRIK*, snap it backwards with all the force it could summon using the full strength of its arm, thus seeking to foil his attempt at successfully maintaining a good hold on its throat. It'd have used whichever arm Facere's thumb was nearest to. Erstwhile the monster's tail continued tightening, tightening, tightening, to the point where Facere might feel the small bones in his hand grinding against each other as his neck was compressed and his circulation cut completely off. He didn't need oxygen in his blood, but it would probably be safe to assume that Facere did need blood itself. His brain wouldn't be getting any. A mortal animal can only retain consciousness for around seven seconds when placed in a blood choke, though a significant loss of muscular control would occur after five seconds.
That'd not be the monster's full intent, either. Facere was as hard as rock to be sure, but the Magna Pater could crush rock to dust with its phantasmagorically strong tail. Before he'd pass out, his hand would be due to fracture and his vertebrae separate.

His last hope might be to try and pick the monster up and dash it against something hard, or perhaps to try and stomp the evil bastard, but it'd for sure not make it easy for him. It was only a few seconds away from sextupling its durability. After those few seconds it'd be slower, sure, but by then Facere may be considerably weakened.
If he tried to imitate the monster and peel its tail off his neck, he'd find that the last foot culminating in the tail tip had more or less solidified into a slimy super-rubber to perfectly resist any attempts at prying it off. Facere probably wouldn't have much time for that, though.
Whilst he was bent over, thumb and neck captured, the monster would ferociously yank on both body parts, seeking to wrench Facere right off his feet and onto the ground, whereupon it could be presumed that he'd not be likely to rise from again, considering both his hands were trapped and this particular demon god of black dreams still had a very large, very powerful mouth with which it may be inclined to use for the purpose of biting heads off.

Kentucky Tom

Kentucky Tom

Name: Kentucky Tom
Age: 29
Height: 5'11"
Weight: 180 pounds
Race: Human
Class: Jerkwad
Alignment: Chaotic
Eye Color: Unknown



Weapons and Equipment: Ray-Ban sunglasses, unfiltered Wildhorse cigarettes, white suit with black tie, a black 16 ounce/24-inch aluminum softball bat.

Physical Abilities/Skills: Physically and mentally, Kentucky Tom is remarkably average. He's no more fit than a man of his age normally is. He is, however, one seriously hardass dickweed who used to be a fast talkin' auctioneer. He has only one special ability, but it is virtually impossible to kill or incapacitate with it. His power is known as "Really Buggersome Affectations". He can inflict nasty effects upon enemies by speaking the magic words of a curse and then pointing and firing a softball sized orb of arcane energy. The speed of the shot depends of the nastiness of the curse. Such curses as "Horndoggums Humprumpus" travel at the speed of ML fastballs, whilst curses like "Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum" move as fast as bullets. Those in the middle are as fast as arrows. He can slow down spells as much as he wants and return them to full speed at will after firing them, as much as he likes. He can combine multiple curses into a single attack, the arcane orb increasing approximately in size with each spell added. He can speak at 360 words per minute, about as many as a top form auctioneer or high school debater. He cannot use the same curse twice in a row, a handicap offset by how the spells cannot be stopped, redirected, or impeded by any material or energy-based defense. Tom has no need for a wand, but he can use his softball bat as one. He can club a spell with his bat as if it were a baseball to increase its speed by up to 110 MPH (full strength swing). The spells retain perfect magical accuracy towards whatever Tom aims at, though they can't change trajectory once launched. The only way to break these curses is to kill him. The known curses he uses are...

*"Impreggio Bitchpleasum"- Impregnates whomever he is pointing at, forcing a baby to be conceived within them. This works on men and inanimate objects. Each subsequent hit halves the pregnancy time, starting at one week pregnant. The baby is ready by week forty. (Mid-Speed)

*"Slipsoapia Faceplantium"- Spawns a 5X5' marble tile covered in lube beneath the target's feet. (Slow-Speed)

*"Charactero Dangledoodius"- Spawns a random cartoon character originating from the 60's-90's above the target's head. Said character proceeds to endlessly suffer from a lack of clothing and dysentery. (Mid-Speed)

*"WeeMan Shinkickums"- Spawns Jackass star Jason Acuña, known also as 'Wee Man'. He will continually attack the target. (Slow-Speed)

*"Sucknutus Switcheroonio"- The target's spatial positioning is reversed, instantly turning them 180 degrees on a horizontal and/or vertical axis depending on Tom's preference. (Slow-Speed)

*"Pissedprick Swingdingus"- The target's dick will double in size every time the spell lands and become aggressive towards its owner, seeking to clobber the one it is attached to. (Mid-Speed)

*"Gooberschnozz Leaksnoutius"- The target's nose will grow to five times normal size and continuously leak copious amounts of magically created mucous. (Mid-Speed)

*"Estatecrashio Housingmarketum"- The Target's local housing market crashes, depreciating their home significantly. Spawns a repo man five yards away to deliver the news and then leave. (Fast-Speed)

*"Baldickus Bodilicious"- Instantly removes all the hair on your body. (Fast-Speed)

*"Fidgetnips Spindiculum"- Turns the target's nipples into fidget spinners. (Fast-Speed)

*"Gayroticus Weinerfestum"- Turns the victim gay. (Slow-Speed)

*"Fartilliarum Skidmarkius"- Gives the victim messy farts. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pinkwimpor Buttflamingonum"- Turns the victim's skin pink. (Fast-Speed)

*"Retardingus Shitheadellus"- Lowers the victim's I.Q by one point. (Mid-Speed)

*"Racistimo Hatefation"- Makes the victim extremely racist against minorities. (Fast-Speed)

*"Drunkskunkio Beerbellius"- Makes the victim as drunk as they'd be after having ingested two pints of beer. Each subsequent hit increases their inebriation by another two beers. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dirtlingus Shoutloudius"- Forces the victim to yell out their deepest, dirtiest secret and then proceed to do so again every two minutes. Each time Tom hits a victim with this curse, it halves the time that they can go without shouting. (Fast-Speed)

*"Whiteytightus Fucknuttums"- Makes the victim's underwear ultra-tight and uncomfortable. Each hit by the curse makes the ol' drawers get tighter and tighter until the waistband snaps. (Fast-Speed)

*"Beardantili Hipsterium"- Gives the victim a huge beard. Each hit increases the beard length by 18 inches. (Fast-Speed)

*"Nudesweeta Bareassum"- Evaporates the target's clothing into an embarrasing gooey honey mist. (Mid-Speed)

*"Furrynekus Fucknuttus"- Materializes a random fursuit onto the victim. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pisswiggums Bladdersmallis"- Makes the victim have to pee really bad. (Mid-Speed)

*"Horndoggums Humprumpus"- Makes the victim insanely attracted to the next thing Kentucky Tom points at. It takes tremenous will to resist, and becomes a major distraction until the urge is "satisfied". (Slow-Speed)

*"Nipgantius Bigtittumus"- The victim's boob area will grow to five times normal size. (Slow-Speed)

*"Fatassium Bastardus"- Makes the victim obese. (Slow-Speed)

*"Lolhardickus"- Forces the victim into an awkward situation the likes of which occur most often to us in the morning. If used on a female, it will materialize the required assets upon her being. (Fast-Speed)

*"Pussysobbium Crybabius"- Makes the victim cry uncontrollably. (Mid-Speed)

*"Racechangium Laughardiculum"- Changes the victim's race. By changing the first word to "Sexchangium" Tom can alter gender instead. (Slow-Speed)

*"Narratium Expositorium"- Forces the victim to narrate their actions as they do them in a deep, dramatic voice. They cannot complete their attack until the end of the narration. (Slow-Speed)

*"Smurftardicus Squeakerotica"- Gives the victim a high pitched helium voice, a Smurf hat, and Roblox T-shirt. (Fast-Speed)

*"Butthorkus Limporkus"- The victim becomes a transgender drag queen complete with unwieldy high heels and wig. (Slow-Speed)

*"Hamhockio Pigittums"- Gives the victim the ears, tail, and snout of a pig. (Mid-Speed)

*"Blindorial Nerdwerdus"- Makes the victim near and short sighted, and materializes a pair of prescription glasses onto their face. (Mid-Speed)

*"Pizzamugums Pubertum"- Gives the victim a load of acne. (Fast-Speed)

*"Glasswhackius Buttmunchickus"- Makes the victim instantly punch the nearest person with glasses in the face nice and hard, even if it's their self. (Mid-Speed)

*"Dildus Rubberium"- Turns an enemy's weapon into a twelve inch black dildo. (Slow-Speed)

*"Beachbaggo Burnsacko"- Instantly gives the victim a full body sunburn, the kind that hurts like a bitch if you so much as get in the shower. (Slow-Speed)

*"Foolookius Overthereius"- Makes the victim look where Tom is pointing. (Slow-Speed)

*"Itchums MacGuiness"- Gives the victim several dozen full body mosquito bites. Very itchy. (Slow-Speed)

Background: Kentucky Tom grew up in the rough part of town and was constantly harangued by bullies. Why? He had a smart mouth. Shooting off insults came naturally to Tom. He pissed off teachers, parents, drivers, senators, dogs, you name it. He got into a wide variety of scuffles, made a name for himself as both a sharp talker and a rugged back alley brawler. He never had much cash, since his job as an auctioneer didn't pay all that well. But then one day, everything changed. He met an old fakir who beseeched Tom to sell an old Porsche for enough money to bail his deviant grandson out of jail. Tom felt pity for the mystic and at the next auction, sold the vehicle for twice what it was really worth. Out of gratitude the fakir bestowed upon Kentucky Tom the power to incur hilarious status effects upon the unwary.

Tom has since set out to seek his fortune, and nothing will stand between him and a quick buck.

Theme Music:

The Official Guild Pre Christmas Knockout Tournament!

@Dynamo Frokane

Is my opponent still getting ready?

The Elder Scrolls (TES) RP

I'd be up for this.

Let The Blood Run Rampant

<Snipped quote by Doc Doctor>

Why don't you just elect judges that aren't in that circle or are you afraid someone might catch something?

@Mobius

We got it figured out now. If we find ourselves in need of a judge again, I'll keep you in mind.

Let The Blood Run Rampant

Both of those folks are friends of yours. Therefore I cannot trust them to be unbiased. I shall see if one of my number shall judge in tandem with one of your judges.

@Alexei

As for your snide comment there about me needing ghost writers, its cute. I won't need help to crush you.

@Alexei

All right, your choice, don't look back on it. Pick a judge, but not Normie. Look at his history. He hasn't anything to do with fight writing.

When you have your judge and RM character ready, gimme a mention.

Let The Blood Run Rampant

@Alexei

For certain, I believe that @Rilla and @Drifting Pollen are the best candidates. I'm waiting to see if Ridaku measures up to those standards of judging. If not I'll see if Rilla has an opinion on a good third judge.

Let The Blood Run Rampant

@Mobius

That depends on when Alex is ready, and the judges. I won't have anyone who isn't a judge trying to dictate the fight or argue on my behalf either.

Let The Blood Run Rampant

@Mobius

Sure.

Let The Blood Run Rampant

No, no you didn't save for Kull's strength. Btw Robert E. Howard is disappointed in you. You gave me no accurate measurements of his reaction speed except that of a professional boxer. The thing with that is you provide no average time of reaction. Reaction time also varies per boxer, even those in the same weight class.

@Alexei

Well, looks like we got ourselves an average then. As for feats, I supplied those. You choosing not to accept that is your problem, your inability to grasp the difference between a boxer and an untrained man.
That's more detail than just saying you're 'quick'. A child could see that.

You are. You have stated your profile is more detailed. Only strength has a solid definition. Everything else is negligible. Videos do nothing, if you don't have a solid reaction time stated in your profile, I could easily state you have the slowest reactions from a specifically chosen boxer and post a fucking video as evidence, and seeing how you like to play, I would have no qualms scamming you like that if I lacked my moral standard.

Boy, I did provide proof, you actually did for me. In your profile. I already made my case. Provide quantifiable measurments of his reaction speed. Cause AS I HAVE STATED MULTIPLE TIMES, you are vague severely about his reaction speed. You have only been detailed on one point. His strength that's it.

Again, you provided what boxers are capable of, a general idea. Vague. What. Is. The. Actual. Time. Of. His. Reaction? Multiple boxers have different rates of reaction. So by continuing to be a fucking idiot and posting videos of different boxers, you are showing that your reaction time is vague for the soul reason that you can adapt it to a specific opponent. That, my friend, metagaming. Just like how your character doesn't just react, but literally predicts every move his character made. Which is using OOC info IC. Also metagaming. The evidence is in every single one of your posts in this fight.

Lol. You use strawman incorrectly. That's cute.

I have googled all of those, and the answer varies from boxer to boxer. If you don't have a hard number listed for it like you do for Kull's strength, I could easily make it mean what I want it to.

@Alexei

I'm not. Again, you're lying by saying that I'm lying without any foundation for the accusation. If Trist's profile is more detailed than mine, prove it. No, no more trying to swerve around that.
Prove.
It.
Videos are feats, they provide examples of what boxers are capable of. Kull is capable of such things, and it was stated. You say I'm the straw man when you yourself have to scramble for illogical reasons to keep arguing. If your moral standard allows you this much bias, there's nothing I can do for you.

I've already explained how boxers predict moves, and what's more, I myself predicted what my opponent's options were and accounted for them.

"Waaaahhh, that's too broad of a-"

No. No it's not. One can tell the difference between someone committed to tackling you, and someone about to weave away, so kindly stop ignoring every single logical thing I say. I doubt you will though. Right now your brain is like a funnel, got tunnel vision, wanna win but you can't earn it.

If you want actual numbers, then ask for 'em before the fight. Don't come crying when somebody more prepared than you has feats and references. Boxers don't have a set number in their head that lets them see things in slo mo, as you seem to think. This is the last time I'll state it, they've been trained to decipher the core motions of an opponent to predict angles of attack and defence. Variables include how telegraphed a move is, the position the boxer is in, and of course the physical and mental condition of either fighter.

That's why I provide references. Only a dip would think such a thing could be consistently represented in numbers. Want a calculation every move? Okay. Sure. Just ask, but don't let your friend see this level of ignorance in public. Oh. Too late.

What's more, the burden of proof is on me, not you. I provide the references, you don't, unless you'd be happy doing my calculations for me with the help of the judge. Sound good? I'm sure it doesn't.

Yeah. Its going to happen.

Hah! No. When I see scummy bullshit like you pulled I am going to call it out. Period. Don't talk to me about bias. Everyone here is biased. From you, to whatever judge on this site.

Best strap up your boots. We're going to throw hands real soon.

@Alexei

You're the one that warped into a friend's ranked match without knowing what you were getting yourself into. If I call a white cow red, that doesn't make it red. Your sole excuse is now to claim that everyone is biased, when it becomes obvious how little you give a shit.

But okay. Okay. Let's throw down in the hardest way possible, if you think you got what it takes.

Live chat fight, Discord, live judges. Guild Colosseum. No dragging this out, we will get it done with pronto. You can have @Rilla, you can have @LeeRoy, @Ridaku, any proven judge who has references can be game.

discord.gg/Cc98svm

And, I'll give you a handicap. You can have ANY or ALL of your friends as ghost writers. Have 'em give you advice, help you create moves, a few extra minds. I consider that fair, given you have but half a brain yourself. As an added bonus it'd save me the effort of having to later beat everyone you know and love. I'll do it in one swoop.

Hope you don't mind RM or UM.