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I finally finished my sheet!

Torek "Tor" Mahlamarsh

D&D Character Sheet

Who I Am

Tor has never quite gotten a handle of controlling or even understanding his own emotions. While definitely not as bad as he used to be, he constantly struggles with stress, frustration and self-doubt. Even in his better moods, there's always something slightly forced, like he's trying very hard to enjoy himself, both for his own sake and for others. He wants to be happy, he feels he's at a point in his life where he should be capable of being happy, but there's always this lingering feeling that, even when things are good, they could very easily go wrong. Even when he's genuinely enjoying himself, he never seems relaxed, always a little jittery, never able to sit still for too long, and sometimes bordering on hyperactive. It can... a lot at times, but it's better than alternative, because when Tor hits a low mood, he really hits a low mood, with full on emotional break-downs, swearing, verbally lashing out at others, and occassionally punching a wall. He has gotten better at recognising when he's getting to this state, and will remove himself from others if he feels he's about crack. He really doesn't want people to see him like that. He wants to get to a point in his life where he can strong, if not for himself than at least for those he cares about. He wants to the kind of person who is control during a crisis, who can rally others together and solve a problem. However, even after all these years, that goal still seems as far away from him as ever, and he is constantly chastising himself to improve.
My Story

Born to a half-orc mother and a human father, Tor has always struggled with anxiety. In his early years, this merely manifested in him being a little quieter and shyer than the other kids, though he was always vaguely aware of this nervousness that seemed to follow him wherever he went. This, he realised only later, was likely a product of his homelife: his father was a soldier, and thus rarely around. Any time he returned home, he was distant and Tor felt intimidated in his presence. Tor's mother, on the other hand, was loving, if a bit overprotective. Being one of the only half-orcs in Ardenfeld, she didn't leave the house that much or socialise with any of the other townsfolk. She was also reluctant to let Tor play with the other children. In her mind, he was a frail child, so much scrawnier than he should have been, even when she did relent, she often was very strict about how long he should be out and what he should and should not to. She did loosen up a little once Tor reached his preteens, but the damage was done: Tor never quite felt safe outside the walls of his house, never felt entirely comfortable. While it was great he got to spend more time with other children and exploring the world, and certainly did start to come out of his shell, he was never able to just relax. His nervousness started to express itself in different ways, from bursts to hyperactivity to frustration to, as he reached thirteen, full-blown anger, and he could shift between all of these states pretty much on a dime. One minute he'd be enjoying himself with his friends, the next time the smallest thing would set him off. He'd get upset, storm off, and neither he nor the other kids could grasp why that happened. He felt confused, unable to understand himself and that further fueled his anger.

Then the destruction of Ardenfeld happened, and the already shaky foundations that his life was built upon came crumbling down. Tor's father was not home to protect his family, his mother died fighting off the bandits in an attempt to protect her son, and Tor and the other surviving children were taken to the Landeil Family Orphanage in Sarinan. Despite numerous attempts to get in contact with him, Tor's father never responded or showed, which either meant he had been killed in battle or, what Tor more suspected was the case, he wasn't willing to take on the responsibility of actually being a parent to his son. This... was not good. Tor was not long to be fourteen years age, meaning he wouldn't be at the orphanage long before he was too old to be considered 'adoptable' and would be thrown out onto the streets to fend himself. This was the point that Tor's stress-fueled rage went from him getting a little huffy and verbally lashing out to actually aggressive. If anyone made slightest action towards him or the other Ardenfeld orphans that could be construed in a negative way, he would punch, kick, bite and even full on wrestle with them. By the time he became fourteen, the orphanage was pretty happy to see the back of him.

He spent about a year and a half on the streets, and during the whole time, as stole and fought to survive, his anger only grew, until one day, when he took it too far and brutally attacked someone he was trying to steal from. While the person didn't die, it was enough to get Tor locked away in a cell for a couple of days, with talk of him possibly being moved to prison in Pallaviel. While Tor felt guilty for what he did, his anger remained him all while he was locked up. He was angry at his father for not being their to protect them, he was angry at his mother for not running away with him, angry at the bandits who destroyed his life, angry at the orphanage, angry at the city, angry at his fellow orphans because they weren't here going through all this with him... and eventually, just angry with himself. When anger finally died, he just felt so tired. He fell asleep...

... and when he woke up, someone else was watching him from outside the cell. A wood elf man in strange clothes, wearing some sort of emblem that Tor didn't recognise. The man introduced himself as Ilanis, and said he had come to collect Tor. Tired and having no fight left in him, Tor assumed he was there to transport to Pallaviel, and just went with him. However, it didn't take him long to realise that this was not the case. Ilanis didn't cuff him, despite the guards warning him to do so, and lead him far away from civilisation towards the mountains. Turns out, Ilanis was a group of small, obscure monastic group the Order of the Still Pool, dedicated to the goddess Eldath. Some of the higher members of this order, like Ilanis, had visions of those who's lives had been troubled or broken by violence, and would seek them out in order to help them undergo spiritual healing. That's where Tor stayed for the next few years, training his body and soul, learning how to recognise when he was becoming stressed or overwhelmed and picking up techniques in order to calm himself again, such a meditation and prayer. He also discovered a love of cooking while here, which worked as a way to get his mind off things, though sometimes came with its own frustations. He also got some combat training, though he was repeatedly told that, as a follower of Eldath, he was only use his skills in defense of himself or others, never to attack first and always strive to find peaceful solutions to problems. Tor tried his best to follow these teachings, and while his aggression was never as bad as it once was, he still struggled a lot with frustration and keeping his cool in a crisis. He wondered if he would ever be at the level of spiritual peace the Still Pool promised him, and as the tenth anniversary of Ardenfeld's destruction drew closer, he decided he wanted to leave the temple, at least for a little, to figure out where he wanted to from here. Ilanis and the other high-ranking members of the order were hesitant, but realised that, while they didn't feel Tor was ready to leave them, he needed some time to sort some things out. He's been on the road ever since.
Going Forward

While in the angrier moments of his youth Tor may have entertained thoughts of tracking down the bandits that destroyed his village, these days he just wants to be a good person, and to live up to the ideals of Eldath and the Still Pool. In particular, with the tenth anniversary just round the corner, he wants to be there for the other Ardenfeld orphans. As he is one of the older kids who survived the bandits' destruction of his home, he feels a responsibility to them, like a big brother or something. He feels he needs to be the strong, stabilising influence in their lives during this distressing time. Plus, he still feels a bit guilty for how he acted during that one year they were at the orphanage together... while he may have seen himself as protecting them from the orphanage staff and other kids, he feels now he may have only been adding to the stress. He just wants to reconnect with his friends again and prove to them (and himself) that he can be strong, that he won't fall apart again. And maybe, just maybe, if he can recognise that strength within himself, he might finally be able to see where he wants to go with his life.

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get some sleep... *collapses in a corner somewhere*
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