Pizza Rolls are baby Hot Pockets, which are teenage Calzones.
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2 mos ago
Minty is just cold spicy.
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2 mos ago
You'd think my joints were made out of bubble wrap with how much they pop.
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3 mos ago
I took a 5 hour energy to try and keep awake for work. I'm equally tired, but my heart is beating hella fast and I feel like I'm about to have a stroke.
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Bio
Hey now.
As time goes on, I'll add random stuff to this.
We praise it up in here!
I'm 6'2. So my arms are around 3 feet long. So last time I went on the American Eagle roller-coaster, I hurt my finger.
I take hot showers to practice burning in hell.
Stay classy America!
Have you tried setting it to Wumbo?
I'm hungry.
DS1 Bonewheels haunt my dreams.
Have you been flossing?
So... You come here often?
Dragon Dance!
Canada isn't real.
My favorite band would have to be Ninja Sex Party.
Nobody pays me in gum :(
Rush B Faggots!
The speed of light's for pussies, we're going at the speed of Brian!
Yarr!
Remember kids, don't have kids.
Wheeeee!
Accept Ron Swanson as your one true god.
Knee deep in the doot.
Pew!
My penis is so big it goes from A to Z on the keyboard. Oh yeah! Oh shit, wait...
I though my life was hard because I had no shoes... Until I met a man who had no legs...
I've met a lot of pricks in my life, but you good sir are a god damn cactus.
Hi!
The Resident Evil 4 merchant is forever embedded in my heart.
If you ever feel powerless, just remember that a single one of your public hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
CRAVE RIDER!
Sweet dreams are made of memes, travel the world and the seven... something that rhymes with memes but isn't seas because that's the original lyric...
There's no time to explain, pull up your pants and RUN!
Don't repost in my neighborhood if you know what's good for you.
I'm not very smart, but I know quite a lot.
Ra, Ra, Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine...
C O N N I P T I O N S
If you haven't already figured it out, I like to talk. I'm just not very good at it.
Mmmmmm, Bepis.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop! The great big greedy nincompoop!
Augustus Gloop! So big and vile So greedy, foul, and infantile
'Come on!' we cried, 'The time is right, To send him shooting up the pipe!
But don't, dear children, be alarmed; Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed.
Although, of course, we must admit He will be altered quite a bit. Slowly, the wheels go round and round, The cogs begin to grind and pound; We boil him for a minute more, Until we're absolutely sure Then out he comes! And now! By grace! A miracle has taken place! A miracle has taken place!
This greedy brute, this louse's ear, Is loved by people everywhere! For who could hate or bear a grudge Against a luscious bit of fudge?
Skate fast, eat ass.
I'm hungry. Gonna make me some Pizza Rolls.
Transformers! More than meets the eye! Transformers! Robots in disguise!
Ye hoebag!
I'm stiiill, in a dreeeaaam, Snake Eater!
"I would trade it all away, if you come back to staaaay. This kitchen's not the same, without youuuu!"
A long time ago, actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why its been everywhere. Its been so everywhere you don't need a where. You don't even need a when. That's how every it gets.
🎵We're all just assholes, lookin' at a screen.🎵
Been a while, eh?
Engrish is my favorite language.
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all Go!
For 30 odd years I have lived with this curse My vocabulary was stunted at birth By a witchdoctor from over the seas Casting his strange voodoo magic on me Now when I speak, it's rather absurd An endless tirade of four letter words I lash out in anger at all in my way Shocking unspeakable things that I say
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck you!
Long I have waited to have my revenge To bring that witchdoctor to his bitter end So I have gathered a ship and a crew We're sailing to find him, we know what to do On a dark moonless night, when he least suspects We'll creep up behind him, so hard to detect We'll bring out our anchor by the light of the stars And shove it inside of his big fuckin' arse
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker We're gonna punch you right in the balls Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor You're all cunts so fuck you all
Would you be ok with the Oread race? Also, how do you feel about the Unchained classes? They're basically just rebalanced versions of certain classes. I was thinking of maybe trying an Unchained Monk Oread.
I'd be down for some Pathfinder. Would you allow the Samsaran Race? And are you doing favored class bonuses and/or traits? I plan on being a Chaotic Good Cleric of Milani.
I once spent ~40 hours in a medically induced sleep. It wasn't quite a coma, as I woke up several times, but would just say nonsense, giggle, and fall back to sleep. And I don't remember any of it. I just remember waking up after going under and waking up 2 days later with no memory if what happened.
Humans are the race that usually makes up most of the world. They are usually overly common and uninteresting. This does not however mean that they are useless. The strongest point of Humans is their versatility and adaptability. Humans start with a +1 to all stats, or, +1 to two stats, and starting with a Feat.
Elves are a graceful, magical, and beautiful people, who enjoy life to the fullest over their 800 year lives. Elves do not sleep, but rather, go into a trance, for about 4 hours, and gives them the rest of 8 hours of sleep to other races. During this trance, Elves are fully aware of their surroundings. Also, depending on their age, certain visions appear to them. Children and young adults see visions of their past lives, adults see visions of this life, and older Elves begin to see others past lives. To simplify, all elf souls exist inside a theoretical candy jar. When an Elf is born, a soul is taken out if said jar, and given to them, giving them a soul. When an elf dies, their soul is taken. And put back into the jar. And when the next Elf gets that soul, they get to see visions if that soul's life. Elves get +2 to dexterity and a +1 to intelligence or wisdom. Elves can see up to 60ft in the dark, have sharper senses than others, cannot be put to sleep, and have resistance to charm spells.
The Drow are a subspecies of Elf, having most of the same abilities. The Drow were, put simply Elves that worshipped the Spider God Lolth, and followed her to the Underdark. These Elves live underground and see surface races as inferior. There are Drow who live on the surface, however, and are more "peaceful" than Underdark Drow. These Surface Drow are nomads, usually living in swamp-like areas, and worship Eilistraee, the goddess of freedom to Drow. They try to be as unaffiliated as possible with other races, choosing to live lives of worship instead. Drow get +2 Dexterity, and +1 Charisma. Underdark Drow have 120ft of Darkvision, but are extremely sensitive to light, to the point where it's nearly blinding. Surface Drow have the same vision as normal Elves. Both Underdark and Surface Drow get the same abilities as normal Elves. Underdark Drow however also are able to cast Darkness and Faerie Fire once per day.
Halflings are the royalty free version of Hobbits. They're short in size, but have more than enough personality to make up for it. Halflings love to enjoy life, drinking dancing and being merry is what life is all about. To them, you've been granted the privilege of life, and not enjoying it is basically a crime. As such, Halflings are friends, or at least on good terms, with just about every race. Halflings are naturally brave, and have resistance to fear effects. They also are luckier than other races, giving them a little luck where they need it, whether it's the wind blowing an arrow just slightly out of your way, to landing a lucky hit right in the jugular. This luck is limited however, and can only really be "used" once a day. Halflings get +2 to dexterity and +1 to Charisma or Constitution.
Dwarves, like Halflings, are short folk, around the 4 and half foot mark on average. Dwarves usually live underground, or on mountain tops in large communities. To Dwarves, all Dwarves are part of what is essentially a large family. Every Dwarf has a role, and is trained from a very young age. The two most prominent roles are Forgemasters, and Stoneworkers. Forgemasters make everything from tools to weapons to cutlery. Dwarven forging is said to be the best, and that they create only the highest quality. Stoneworkers are the architects and designers of the Dwarves. To them, stone is paint, and the whole world is their canvas. Entire cities, intricately detailed and luxurious beyond belief, all planned and performed by a handful of Dwarves. Dwarves are Hardy, giving them resistance to poison, and they also have darkvision up to 60ft. Dwarves get +2 to Constitution and +1 to either Strength or Wisdom. They are also very knowledgeable on history when it comes to stonework, architecture, or crafted things.
There is a bit of debate over where the Dragonborn come from. Some scholars say they were an ancient group of humans who were cursed or blessed by dragons with their form. Others say they were the result of the dragon gods. Either way, Dragonborn are humanoid dragons that come in a variety of colors, the most common being a dull copper color. The scale color of a Dragonborn relates to their specific element, like full dragons. White for cold, red for fire, black for acid and so on. Most Dragonborn have a breath attack like full dragons, but they must train to do this, and some dragonborn go their entire lives without it. They are generally peaceful folk, living lives as simple people, but are fierce warriors when the time comes. The colors to elements are as follows: Black/Copper is Acid, Blue/Bronze is Lightning, Red/Gold is Fire, Silver/White is Frost, and Green is Poison. The metallic colored Dragonborn are far more rare, and are believed to be destined for greatness. Dragonborn gain a +2 to Strength, and a +1 to Charisma. They also have resistance to the element of their ancestry, as well as a breath weapon of the same type. So a blue Dragonborn is resistant to lightning, and can exhale a lightning breath. The breath attack can only be used every so often, not constantly. Like once every 10 minutes or so.
Aasimar are (usually) Humans with ancestry to the Celestials. Perhaps your father was and angel? Or his father before him, and it only now manifests? Aasimar are usually forced into a life of religion, however this is not always the case. A pair of farmers wouldn't know much about Aasimars, and they would be raised as a normal child. Aasimar have an innate ability known by many as "Healing Hands". It functions much like the Paladins Lay on Hands, but is far more limited in number of uses and effectiveness. Aasimar can also cause themselves to glow, providing light for themselves and their group. They also can cast the Light spell once per day, causing an item to glow, rather than them. Lastly, Aasimar are resistant to Radiant and Necrotic damage. They confer a +2 bonus to Charisma, and a +1 to either Constitution or Wisdom.
The opposite of Aasimar, Tieflings are (usually) humans with Fiendish heritage. This could be hidden for several generations, and manifest randomly. Tieflings are usually seen as untrustworthy and evil, and are often shunned because of their devilish appearance. Tieflings possess the ability to darken an area around them via the spell Darkness. They also can see in the dark, up to 60ft. They have resistance to fire, as well as necrotic damage. Tieflings gain a +2 to Charisma and a +1 to Dexterity, Constitution, or Intelligence.
Genasi, much like Aasimar and Tieflings, are (usually) humans with magical ancestry. In the case of Genasi, it is to the Elemental Planes. Genasi generally have different personalities based on their heritage. Air Genasi are flamboyant and bombastic, Earth Genasi tend to be more secluded, Water Genasi are explorers, and Fire Genasi are hotheaded and bombastic. All Genasi gain a +2 to Constitution, and a +1 to Dexterity for Air, +1 to Strength for Earth, +1 to Intelligence for Fire, and +1 to Wisdom for Water. They also gain resistance to the element of their ancestry, as well as a special ability based on their ancestry. Air Genasi can Levitate, Earth Genasi can pass through difficult terrain such as swamps or dense forest unimpeded, Fire Genasi can see in the dark up to 60ft, and Water Genasi can breathe underwater.
Warforged were made for one thing: to fight and die. Originally created as expendable soldiers in the great war, they are now every day citizens, looking for a peaceful life now that the war is over. Warforged are constructs, made of wood and iron, rather than flesh and blood. As constructs, they don't need to eat, sleep or drink, and are immune to poison and disease. They also have natural armor, not needing to wear it. Unfortunately, because they are constructs, normal healing magic isn't very effective, and more often than not need to be taken to an expert to be repaired, which can be expensive. Warforged gain a +1 to Constitution and a +2 to either Strength or Dexterity, or +1 to two stats.
The last of the small folk, these Gnomes aren't quite what you find in a suburban yard. These Gnomes are instead are inventors, and lovers of life, curious, and impulsive, trying desperately to squeeze in as much as they can into their 300 year lives, living in forest communities or slightly underground. Gnomes, being somewhat of a magical race, have been granted Darkvision, and because of their superior intelligence, are resistant to most mind altering abilities. Gnomes gain a +2 to intelligence, and +1 to Charisma, Dexterity, or Constitution.
Half-Orcs are the product of a Human and an Orc, as Humans are compatible with several races. Half-Orcs live short lives, about 60 years or so, but mature early, around 14 years old. Half-Orcs feel emotion far more passionately than most, from rage, to sadness, to joy. Speaking of rage, their orcish blood still boils within them, calling them to battle and action, rather than sit and talk. Half-Orcs have relentless endurance, granting them the ability to endure a hit that would normally knock them out. They are also naturally menacing, being better at intimidation than most. Half-Orcs gain +2 to Strength and +1 to Constitution.
The Product of an Elf and Human, Half-Elves are an incredibly social race. Making friends with everyone they meet, swapping tales, and just mingling in general. They generally find themselves as ambassadors or wanderers, due to their wanderlust from their Human side, or refinement from their Elf side. Half-Elves gain benefits from both sides of their ancestry. From the Elf side, they have Darkvision up to 60ft, immunity to sleep effects, and resistance to charm spells. From their Human side, they gain versatility in the form of two skill proficiencies, and +1 to two of any stat (except Charisma). Being such a social race, Half-Elves gain +2 Charisma.
If (American) Footbal players were a race, they would be Goliaths. Distant cousins to Giants, Goliaths live high up in the mountains, choosing to live secluded lives. Among the Goliaths, the strong survive, and the weak will die. Survival of the fittest is important, but so is the concept of fair play. Everyone is treated fairly. Goliaths are a tough, rugged race, and as such, are naturally proficient in Athletics, and can occasionally shrug off damage from an attack. Goliaths gain a +2 to Strength, and a +1 to Constitution.
Fighters are masters of the battlefield, able to perform well nearly anywhere. The Signature Ability of the Fighter is "Action Surge" which allows them to draw out hidden reserves of adrenaline, allowing them to take extra actions. In terms of proficiencies, Fighters are proficient in all armors and all weapons. They are also the only class proficient in the Tower Shield. Tower Shields are big, heavy, and bulky shields, that are nearly impenetrable. They also get in the way of attacking, making attacks less accurate. Fighters are proficient in two of the following skills: Acrobatics, Animal Handling, Athletics, History, Insight, Intimidation, Perception, and Survival. For those looking for a warrior to fit any mold, the Fighter is for you.
The Champion is a near direct upgrade to the normal Fighter, further enhancing their discipline, resilience, and stamina, allowing for a nigh unstoppable fighting machine able to outlast just about anything and anyone. First off, their swings become more likely to land a critical blow, dealing extra damage. Next, their stamina increases, giving them expertise in the Athletics Skill (or proficiency, if they weren't already). Lastly, these Champions are survivors, and can regenerate a small amount of health when they are below half health.
Arcane Archers are Fighters that have picked up a bow and have specialized in it by infusing arrows with minor magic, or by using trick arrows. At first, Arcane Archers become proficient in the Arcana, or Nature skill, signifying their new magical knowledge. Then there's the magic arrows, the whole point if the class. The options are as follows: Banishing Shot, temporarily banishes an enemy that can be banished. Beguiling Arrow, charms a target temporarily. Bursting shot, it explodes and hurts people. Enfeebling Arrow, weakens a targets physically. Grasping Arrow, covers an enemy in vines and brambles. Piercing Arrow, it goes through objects, but only has a range of 30 feet. Guided Arrow, can go around most objects to strike. And lastly, Shadow Shot, which blinds an enemy temporarily. The other abilities of the Arcane Archer includes allowing their arrows to bypass the resistances of enemies, like how a Werewolf is resistant to weapons not made of silver. Or a Devil being resistant to weapons that are not holy and/or blessed. They also are able to somewhat guide their arrows after they have been loosed, but only to a certain point.
Combining both Swords and Sorcery, the Eldritch Knight is a Fighter who was taken the whole "can be anything" to heart, and is now dabbling in magic. Much like the Paladin and Ranger, the spells you get are pretty slow to progress. At first, Eldritch Knights can "bond" with a weapon, allowing it to return to their hand whenever they desire, so long as both are on the same plane of existence. Next, creatures whom you strike will have a harder time resisting your spells. Lastly, Eldritch Knights can teleport up to 30 feet whenever they use their "Action Surge" ability. Your spell list is the Wizard spell list, and Intelligence is your spellcasting modifier.
The Battle Master is all about maneuvers and tactics. As a Battle Master you become exceptionally good at performing tactical maneuvers such as tripping, grappling, sundering, or disarming. Battle Masters are also very knowledgeable about many enemies. By observing a creature for a short moment, Battle Masters can identify physical attributes, abilities, and resistances, if any.
If there's one thing Barbarians are good at, it's getting angry. And I don't mean pretty angry, I mean unfathomably enraged. A staple of Barbarians is Raging. During this time, you have only one though in your brain: Hit something. While raging, Barbarians gain increased strength and health, resistance to mind altering effects, and the ability to shrug off some damage from attacks. This rage also unfortunately makes you much easier to hit, as trying to dodge isn't on your mind right now. Barbarians boast high Hit Points and serve either as a Tank for their party, or as the main melee damage dealer. Do keep in mind that the training with weapons on a Barbarian is somewhat limited, usually only using big sharp axes, swords, or heavy hammers, and are unaccustomed to using weapons like rapiers, scimitars, or weapons that require somewhat intense training, like a flail. Shields are also foreign to Barbarians, and heavy armor is seen as too restrictive and bulky to allow them to truly embrace their rage. Barbarians are proficient in two of the following skills: Animal Handling, Athletics, Intimidation, Nature, Perception, and Survival. For those of you who want nothing more than to destroy hordes of enemies with a mighty cleave, the Barbarian is for you.
If raging is akin to going Super Saiyan, then the Berserkers Frenzy ability is akin to Super Saiyan 3. While in this state of nigh uncontrollable rage and bloodlust, your strength spikes dramatically, allowing you to perform feats that would require superhuman strength to achieve. You also become much faster, and each time you're able to sprint towards an enemy faster, or bring down that axe a couple extra times is a godsend to your party. Not to mention, weaker opponents generally get the idea that fighting you is a big no-no and will try to run away. Unfortunately, during this time there are only two things you know. These are friends, don't try to kill them; and, Everyone else needs to be hit until the only thing left is a fine red mist. This means that you basically lose any and all sense of reason, and your speech has been reduced to screams, roars, and loud grunts. Using this ability also drains you leaving you exhausted after using it.
A God or other Poweful diety has chosen you to kick ass in their name, and has given you blessings as such. For starters, resurrecting you is now much simpler, as expensive material components are no longer needed for a raising spell, you can smite down enemies with holy (or unholy) fury, and as long as you are raging, you cannot die as you are kept alive by your diety. Unfortunately, once your rage ends, you will succumb to your wounds and die.
Taking on a Shamanistic approach to things, the Totem Warrior unleashes an spirit animal, and uses it to empower themselves, usually while raging, but this is not always the case. Different animals invoke different abilities, such as the bear making you tougher, the eagle making you faster, or the tiger giving you increased athleticism and mobility. Once you have chosen an animal, you are not stuck with it, and may change it by giving an offering to the animal spirit you desire, usually in the form of meat. You can also commune with most animals, but who cares about that? You have things to hit.
Paladins are righteous warriors who fight in the name of their God, whether it's to bring peace to the land, or to destroy those who dare worship another deity. Paladins typically wear heavy armor and can use many weapons, but there is plenty of debate on whether you should have a shield in your hand, or both on a big hammer. A staple of the Paladin is the ability "Lay on Hands" which, put simply, is a burst of holy energy(or unholy, if you're evil) that can be used to heal allies, or harm undead(or for unholy, healing undead, and hurting the living). Paladins learn only a few spells, and the rate at which you get higher leveled spells are few and far between. However the Paladin also learns the ability, Turn Undead. This allows them smite undead and make them cower in fear from sheer radiance of your holiness. Certain, exceptional Paladins can even instantly destroy some undead like skeletons or zombies, but powerful undead such as Death Knights or Liches are generally far to powerful for the latter effect. Paladins are Proficient in all weapons, armor, and most Shields. They are also proficient in two of the following skills: Athletics, Insight, Intimidation, Medicine, Persuasion, and Religion. So, will you pick up a Lance in the name of your War God? Or perhaps a Censer for your God of Life? The choice is up to you. For those of you wanting to kick ass in the name if God, the Paladin is for you.
Paladins who take the Oath of Conquest are usually seeking to rule over, or otherwise command something. Whether it's a city, an army, or even just your party members, your word is law, and you will uphold it with an Iron fist. You believe that defeating an enemy is not enough. Your Victory must be so overwhelming that they lose the will to fight forever. A blade can end a life, but Fear can shatter an empire. You gain spells that reflect this way of thinking, such as Command, Hold Person, and Fear. You also gain a "Channel Divinity" ability, allowing you to invoke your Oath to the Gids to help you out. In your case, you become an embodiment of war, and you are able to magically instill fear and doubt to enemies around you, and you can get minor divine guidance on the swing of your sword, allowing for an easier time hitting things. Lastly, you eventually get so badass that enemies who hit you are struck back by pure divine energy. Not a lot, but enough to sting.
To you, Violence is a weapon of last resort, and where blades could sing, perhaps words would do better? You believe that you can change the lives of people for the better, and that change takes time, but it is always worth it in the end. You gain spells to reflect this, such as Sleep, Calm Emotions, and Counterspell. You also gain a "Channel Divinity" ability, which in this case, weakens enemies who hit you, and makes you seem far more trustworthy, making negotiations and the like much easier. This also powers up you "Lay on Hands" ability, making it possible to cure disease, poisons, or curses on others. Lastly, you eventually gain the power to exude an aura that dampens the enemies strikes for a short time.
The Tennants of the Oath of Vengeance differ from Paladin to Paladin, but they all usually have a main goal: Exterminate evildoers for the misery they have caused others and to the world, or even to you. You gain spells that reflect this way of life, such as Bane, Hold Person, and Banish. You also gain a "Channel Divinity" ability which allows you to invoke the power of your Oath. It this case, it allows you to single out a person, and become significantly better at fighting them, and you also gain the ability to make an enemy cower in fear, with Undead and Fiends having a much harder time resisting this effect. Lastly, you gain bonus damage on any evil creature, usually undead or say, a demon.
Several Paladins are known to take Oaths the differ greatly from the norm, and if this is the case, you may make your own Oath. You and I will discuss the terms, Tennants, bonus spells and other abilities, and create a name for the Oath.
Monks are masters of Martial Arts, allowing them to use their hands, feet, elbows, and knees as deadly weapons. Monks use this as well as special monks weapons, such as Staves and Kama. Monks make use of an incredible spiritual energy called "Ki" to strengthen themselves. Ki can be used in numerous ways, from gaining quick bursts of speed, enhanced reflexes, and resilience to poison and disease. There are many other uses for Ki, such as using it to enhance your jump across a large gap that would otherwise be seemingly impossible. There are limits, to this however, as Ki takes time to recharge, usually during meditation, and projecting Ki, as in, shooting a projectile, is incredibly strenuous, and takes a large amount of ki to even pull off. Monks can also only use Ki while unencumbered and unrestricted. As such, Monks cannot wear armor, and are a little easier to damage. To compensate for this, Monks have an almost unnatural way of moving, as if their body is moving on it's own. Monks say that this is their spirit guiding them through battle. Monks are Proficient in two of the following skills: Acrobatics, Athletics, History, Insight, Religion, and Stealth. If you want to play as a fast boi who is on a whole 'nother spiritual level, this is for you.
Monks of the Way of the Open Hand take their martial arts to the next level. They have learned to manipulate Ki in others by harnessing their own. From preventing reactions, to shoving enemies back several feet, or even smashing enemies into the ground. They also learn a technique known as Wholeness of Body. By meditating and focusing their Ki for a few moments, they are able to heal their own wounds. They also learn to surround themselves in an aura of tranquility, dissuading extreme emotions. But perhaps their most powerful ability is known as Quivering Palm. This deadly technique is taught to only the most accomplished of monks, and for good reason. By striking an opponent, you can send Ki waves in the form of vibrations into an opponent. These vibrations are harmless, but, should the Monk desire to do so, can use these vibrations through sheer force of will to shut down and even destroy most if not all of the opponents organs, instantly killing them.
Monks of the Way of the Long Death, is less about killing people, and more about preventing it. At first, these Monks learn to absorb the Ki of slain foes, granting them temporary life, in a form of Ki shielding. They then learn to project a sort of fear Ki wave in front if them, inflicting terror in those who are caught in the blast. Next, Monks of the Way of the Long Death can prevent lethal blows using their own Ki. Lastly, these Monks can learn to directly inject a necrotic form of their Ki into an opponent with just a touch. With enough Ki, you can shrivel limbs, destroy bones, and/or cause intense bleeding.
Monks of the Way of the Kensei choose not to fight unarmed, but rather, with a weapon, of which they train to master of their lives. This can be nearly any weapon, the only exclusion being weapons that are very heavy, such as a Maul, Great Club or Battle Axe. Ranged weapons are also avalible as a choice, such as Longbows, Slings, or even Shurikens. Mixing weapon and fist, Kensei Monks can make unarmed attacks, while simultaneously defending with their weapon. They then learn to channel their Ki through their weapons, allowing it to bypass the damage reduction on enemies, like the werewolf, who have resistance to damage from weapons not made if Silver, or demons who are resistant to non holy weapons. They can also channel this Ki to improve the damage of their weapon, as well as reinforcing it. Lastly, the same way Monks use their spirit to guide their bodies to avoid attacks, also learn to use this with their weapons, getting near-superhuman accuracy.
Monks of the Way of the Shadows are pretty self-explanatory, hiding in the shadows, and using it to their advantage. First up, these Monks learn spells, that are cast with Ki, instead of mana. These spells are: Darkness, Darkvision, Silence, and Pass Without Trace. Next, these Monks can warp through the Shadows, up to 60 feet, nearly instantaneously. Soon after, they learn to become literally invisible in places of darkness or, at the very least, dim light. These monks are also master opportunists, being able to combo their attacks with others close by.
Rogues hide in the dark, sneaking past enemies, or waiting for just the right time to strike. Being the class that focuses on stealth, Rogues tend to favor either a Scout role or a ranged attacker. However they also find a Rloe as the party's "Face". Rogues learn many skills, more than any other class, and many Rogues tend to pick up social skills, like Bluffing or Diplomacy, which can be useful for making powerful friends and lying through your teeth when you get caught. The signature ability of the Rogue is the Sneak Attack. So long as the Rogue is undetected, or the enemy is focused on someone else, the Rogue has learned to deliver deadly strikes to vulnerable areas. While this can be used at range, it is much less powerful as it takes time to reach the target, and there's no end of things you can't prepare for, such as a sudden gust of wind, distance drop, or the enemy suddenly moving. Rogues are only proficient in small or light weapons. A rogue with a Battleaxe is probably not a good idea. Also, Rogues are only proficient in Light armor, as heavy plate would make far to much noise and slows them down significantly. Rogues are proficient in four of the following skills: Acrobatics, Athletics, Deception, Insight, Intimidation, Investigation, Perception, Performance, Persuasion, Sleight of Hand, and Stealth. Two of the chosen skills are their "Expertise" and give double bonuses. For those seeking a role in the shadows, the Rogue is for you.
The Assassin does what it says on the can. It kills people. Really well. For starters, they learn their trademark "Assassinate" ability. With this, they can deal severe damage, to enemies unaware of their presence. Assassins also are experts at disguising. Given about a week and a handful of gold, can create an entirely new identity, establishing a history, realations (real or fake) and even officially looking documents. They also become master Imposters, and can unerringly copy a persons speech patterns, accent, voice, and even handwriting. Lastly, master Assassins learn to take their assassinate ability even further, instantly killing most unaware enemies. Exceptions include things like constructs and undead.
The Arcane Trickster is a Rogue who weaves magic into the thievery, whether for thievery or attacking. Arcane Tricksters learn 3 cantrips from the Wizard spell list. One of these must be the spell Mage Hand. They also learn two 1st level spells. Unlike with regular Mage Hand, Arcane Tricksters can make the spell invisible, and give the hand much more dexterity than normal. Then, Tricksters learn to make their spells much harder to resist when against unaware enemies. Next, their Mage Hand powers up, allowing it to distract enemies and make it harder for them to attack. Lastly, experienced Arcane Tricksters are able to steal the spells of enemy spellcasters, provided that the spell is low enough level.
The Thief is all about good ol' fashioned B and E. Stealing stuff and never getting caught. At first, Thiefs learn to pick locks and disable traps in about half the time, and become expert climbers. They then learn how to move even more silently than most. Next, they learn to bypass the requirements of most magic items, such as race, level, or class. Lastly, Thieves gain incredible reflexes, allowing the to avoid most traps, or even striking before anyone else can.
Much like the Rogue, the Ranger prefers the shadows, delivering deadly ranged attacs from seemingly nowhere. The Ranger is primarily a ranged attacker and scout, but it's signature ability is Favored Enemy. Every Ranger picks one type of enemy, such as undead, constructs, beasts, oozes and slimes, and even humanoids. Do know that when you pick humanoid you must be specific, such as Human, Dwarf, Elf, etc. While fighting said enemy, you get a bonus to hit, damage, as well as bonuses to your defense against them, and an easier time tracking them. Once you choose a Favored Enemy, you are stuck with it, but you can choose more Favored Enemies at a later time. Rangers also get Animal Companions. An Animal Companion can be any sort of intelligent animal, such as a Hawk, Wolf, or Rat. Animal Companions serve to assist the Ranger, whether by flanking enemies, causing distractions, or reaching items that are otherwise unobtainable. Rangers also get access to spells, but much like Paladins, these spells are very limited, and upgrades for them are few and far between. Rangers are proficient mostly with ranged weaponry and light weapons, and light armor, and heavy, loud armor can make stealth much harder. Rangers are proficient in three of the following skills: Animal Handling, Athletics, Insight, Investigation, Nature, Perception, Stealth, and Survival. For those looking for an Archer type build, the Ranger is for you.
Gloom Lurkers are at home in the dark. Sticking to the shadows, and leaving no trail behind. Reflecting this, Gloom Lurkers learn spells to help them such as Disguse Self and Rope Trick. They also learn see in the dark, and those that already can get an extended range, and are extremely difficult to detect to creatures with darkvision in the dark. They also train to the point of an Iron Will, giving them great resistance to mind altering effects. Lastly, Gloom Lurkers can learn to make themselves appear blurry and displaced, making them significantly harder to hit.
Horizon Walkers are planar warriors, seeking out abnormalities in the Material Plane, such as portals, or outsider creatures. Horizon Walkers learn spells to help them in their task, such as Protection from Good and Evil, and Misty Step. They also learn to detect planar openings and portals within about a mile (or about 2km). They then learn to make their attacks magical, not dealing physical damage, but rather force damage, like that from the spell Magic Missle, allowing them to bypass the defenses of most creatures. They then learn to temporarily step into the Ethereal Plane, for about 10 seconds, during this time, they cannot be hit, and cannot hit opponents. (Unless they are also in the Ethereal Plane) you can also move through objects such as doors, and can move in any direction, but at a slower pace. You can still see as though you are in the Material Plane, but everything is all greyscale and the distance you can see becomes much shorter. (About 60ft.) They then learn how to "Blink" or teleport a short distance. (About 10ft) Lastly, they can learn to temporarily give themselves Ethereal properties to reduce incoming damage.
Monster Slayers do exactly what you think they do. They hunt monsters. Monster Slayers learn a variety of spells to help them in their tasks, such as Protection from Good and Evil, or Magic Circle. Then, Monster Slayers learn to gain insight into a creature's weaknesses, resistances, and abilities. They also learn to "Mark" a creature, making it more vulnerable to attacks. Afterwards, the mark weakens creatures when they attack you, allowing you more time to escape. They also learn to counter magic targeted at them but only every few hours. Lastly, Monster Slayers learn to counterattack those that they have marked, causing damage and their abilities to fail.
If ever there was a support class, it would be the Bard. Bards provide debilitating statuses to foes while bluffing themselves and allies to great heights. The signature ability of the Bard is their Bardic Inspiration. Bardic Inspiration allows you to, well, inspire! Whether it's used on yourself or an ally this gives a significant bonus to their next attack, skill check, save, or just roll in general. Keep in mind this can only be used a limited number of times, as your voice may get tired, or you just can't seem to drum anything up. Pun intended. Bards also learn several spells that focus on support, from buffing allies, debuffing foes, and even learning some healing magic. Bard magic comes in from their Charisma, their force of personality. A shy Bard who doesn't like talking would generally have a hard time casting spells, as most are delivered through song or dance. Bards also can serve as the "Face" of the party. Handling negotiations, haggling, bluffing, or intimidation are based off of charisma, and as such are what the bard excels at. Bards wear light armor, as anything else would interfere with spellcasting. Bards can equip shields, and are mainly only proficient in one handed weapons. Bards are proficient in any three skills they choose. For those looking to support their teammates, this is for you.
The College of Glamour is all about being the center of attention and being fabulous. At first, these Bards learn to put on a brilliant show, inspiring their allies, whilst simultaneously charming enemies, preventing them from taking hostile actions if they fall under your spell. You also can learn to make yourself appear magnificent and glorious, and while doing so, you can attempt to use the Command spell free of charge, and Charmed creatures cannot resist your commands. Lastly, you can assume a majestic form (again) and enemies that attempt to attack you may be magically swayed by your fabulousness to not do so. Those that are not swayed will have a harder time resisting it again.
Those in the College of Valor are less about telling tales of others heroics, and more about their own, as they take to the battlefield, mixing magic and sword. The first thing these Bards learn is how to move better in armor, gaining medium armor proficiency. They also gain proficiency in most martial weapons, such as Long Swords, or Battle Axes. They then can use their Bardic Inspiration to not only make attacks deal more damage, rather than just more accurate. Eventually, they even learn how to cast spells through their weapons, allowing for deadly combos, such as sending a Lightning Bolt through your Spear, and then impaling them right after.
The College of Satire is, as you would guess, about being funny. You've learned quite a lot about acting, and all the different ways you can make people laugh. With the College of Satire, you've learned to take advantage of your acting to fool opponents, such as drunkenly taking a tumble, when in reality, it was a roll around your opponents back, and now you have a flank on them. And anything intelligent can usually be fooled. Also, Bards of the College of Satire will eventually gain insight into others thoughts, and immunity to mind-probing effects, and those that try are affected by an embarrassing spell effect, like a loud farting sound, or they magically slip and do that weird dance thing while they try to regain their balance.
Druids are men and women of nature, who live to serve and protect it, and as such, have been granted blessings from it. The signature ability of the Druid is known as Wild Shape. Wild Shape allows you to take on the form of a beast, usually one that is no stronger than you are. Starting off you may only be able to turn into birds or a cat, but later you could turn into a wolf, a dire bear, and eventually even an elemental! Druids are also powerful spellcasters, learning spells such as Call Lightning, a spell that summons a lightning bolt from the sky, Summon Nature's Ally, a spell that allows you to summon a beastial companion, and Healing spells, to boot. Do note however that casting spells in animal form is much more difficult, usually taking longer to cast, or reducing the power of the spell. One downside to Druids, is that they have taken a "Druidic Oath" and as such, cannot use man-made weapons or armor such as a steel longsword or Chainmail. An exception however is the Scimitar. And a workaround is to use weapons made of wood, such as a club, or a wooden sword, and armor made of Leather, or other such materials. Druids are proficient in two of the following skills: Arcana, Animal Handling, Insight, Medicine, Nature, Perception, Religion, and Survival. For those looking for a connection to nature, the Druid is for you.
Druids of the Circle of the Lands love the land and respect it for all that it gives. Druids of the Circle of the Lands focus on one type of land, usually reflecting where they grew up, got their Druid training, or some other reason that is important to them. There are 8 lands to choose from: Arctic, Coast, Desert, Forest, Grassland, Mountain, Swamp, and Underdark. Bonus spells are given depending on the time of land. These Druids also are able to regenerate mana faster while resting, so long as they're in an area of nature, or if there's at least a lot around. These Druids also learn to move through nonmagical terrain with no penalties or repercussions. Lastly, Beasts or otherwise natural creatures are far less likely to attack you or your allies
Druids of the Circle of the Shepard are all about animals. First, they learn to speak to Beasts and Elementals. Note that not all beasts are intelligent, but can still somewhat commune. They also learn to summon one of three totem spirits for a short time. The Bear Spirit strengthens the fortitude of those around it, The Hawk sharpens the senses of those around it, and the Unicorn increases the healing power of those around it. These spirits cannot attack or be attacked. Next, any and all summoned creatures are strengthened. Lastly, when you are reduced to 0 hp, or otherwise are knocked unconscious, animals will swarm to protect and assist you, as if you had cast Conjure Animals with at its maximum caster level.
Druids of the Circle of Death are often misunderstood as death dealing cultists who murder people. In reality, however, Druids of the Circle of Death, see death as a natural part of the cycle of life. Death comes for all, and Death Druids are willing to accept it when the time comes, as they know they will be returned to the earth and reborn anew. Druids of the Circle of Death gain the ability to temporarily age things, and gain a few bonus spells, such as Vampiric Touch, Ray of Enfeeblement, and Sleep. You also know the Bleed and Spare the Dying Cantrios. Spare the Dying stabilizes dying creatures, while Bleed makes stabilized creatures continue dying. Speaking of dying, when a creature dies around a Death Druid, you can rapidly decompose it to absorb its power. With this power, you can heal yourself or others, send out a necrotic based attack, or cause plants to grow and entangle things around it. Lastly, Death Druids become immune to Poison and disease, and resistance to necrotic damage.
Druids of the Circle of the Moon are Druids that are focused more on their Wild Shape. Druids of the Circle of the Moon are significantly better at shapeshifting. They can change into stronger forms earlier than other Druids, and much faster, too. Eventually, these Druids can transform into other people, and casting spells in animal form becomes easier.
Much like the Paladin, Clerics are followers of their God and are warriors of them as such. Clerics are perhaps the most powerful healers than any other class, however they are stuck as just healers. Some command the power of light to smite enemies, others send holy fire to incinerate foes, while others embrace their inner healbot and learn powerful magic that can even raise the dead through resurrection. The signature ability of the Cleric is Channel Energy. Like the Paladins Lay on Hands, this comes in both holy and unholy varieties. The main difference is that Channel Energy is generally less powerful, but can effect several allies or enemies at the same time, as you send out a wave of energy. Clerics also get the ability Turn Undead, which when used on undead, if you're powerful enough, can instill the fear of God into them, making them cower or run in fear, or, those with exceptional conviction and power can disintegrate lesser undead instantly. Clerics learn powerful, high level spells focused around healing, light, and buffing. Clerics are proficient in most armor and most shields, however when it comes to weapons, Clerics generally only have proficiency with simple weapons, like daggers, a mace, or a sickle. The only exception is the Favored Weapon of the Cleric's deity. This could be a Longbow, Battleaxe, or even just a a Heavy Mace. Clerics are proficient in two of the following skills: History, Insight, Medicine, Persuasion, and Religion. For those wanting some god-like power on their side, the Cleric is for you.
Wizards are powerful Spellcasters with control over the Elements. They usually focus on one or two Schools of magic and focus their spellcasting around said Schools. Wizards learn an enormous amount of spells, more than any other class, and can swap spells out on the fly by swapping out spells they've memorized with ones in their spellbook to adjust to any situation, and can even copy down spells from scrolls, or even other Wizard's spellbooks. This does however leave them somewhat defenseless without their spellbooks. Any and all armor, including shields interfere with spellcasting as it requires very specific gestures and can mess with concentration. Wizards also aren't really good with weapons, relying on cantrips for basic damage. Cantrips are in essence, level 0 spells that are so ingrained into their memory they can cast them infinitely with no cost to them. These are generally used in place of an archer's arrows or the swing of a blade. Wizards are proficient in two of the following skills: Arcana, History, Insight, Investigation, Medicine, and Religion. For those looking to get a true understanding of the Arcane, the Wizard is for you.
Evocation magic is all about blowing shit up. It's the blunt hammer of magic. Not very flashy, but when most of your problems are nails, it's a nice thing to have around. Popular Spells include Magic Missle, Fireball and Lightning Bolt. Wizards studying under the School of Evocation learn to "Sculpt" their spells, allowing Area of Effect spells to go around or otherwise unaffect creatures they choose. They also are able to add just a little extra damage to their Evocation spells, obviously. But perhaps their most powerful ability is eventually being able to "Overcharge" their spells allowing them to do maximum Damage. This tires out the spellcaster immensely, and if this us used more than once before a good long rest, its inflicts kickback to the caster, damaging them.
The School of Abjuration is all about protection and wards. Whether it's against physical attacks, mental ones, or resistance to the elements, these Wizards are all about defense. Common Abjuration spells include Mage Armor, Stoneskin, and Absorb Elements. Wizards studying under the School of Abjuration have learned to take a small strand of the Abjuration spells they cast to produce a long-lasting ward that can deflect incoming damage, and can easily be reconstituted by casting another Abjuration spell. Eventually this ward can be sent to cover other people, temporarily. Lastly, you become resistant to spells that are non-damaging, such as Curse, Hold Person, or Charm Person.
The School of Illusion is pretty self-explanatory. You're really good at making Illusions, whether auditory, or visual, some even can change the temperature, or texture of an area or object. Common Illusion spells include Disguise Self, Invisibility, and Phantasmal Killer. Wizards studying under the School of Illusion are able to make minor illusions at will, such as making a small object appear, short sounds, or manipulating shadows. They also learn how to use illusions to change their appearance on a whim, as well as extending the duration of most illusion spells. Some of the more powerful Illusion Wizards can even bring objects from their Illusions to reality for a short time, although these must be nonmagical objects.
The School of Enchantment isn't about Enchanting weapons or armor, but rather, people. Putting them under your control, or messing with the mind in general falls under this School. Common spells include Hold Person, Charm Monster, and Sleep. Wizards studying under the School of Enchantment can hypnotize people just by looking at them, resist Enchantment spells, and misdirect attack to nearby creatures by momentarily confusing the opponent. One downside to Enchantment magic is that your Spells work, or they don't. There is no "partial" success or effects. They are powerful if they work, but when they don't, you're left wide open.
The School of Transmutation is all about manipulation of the physical world like changing lead into gold, or stone to sand. Popular Transmutation Spells include Fly, Barkskin, and Feather Fall. Wizards studying under the School of Transmutation are able to transmute up to 1 cubic foot of material per 10 minutes into another, or chang its state like a liquid to a solid. You can also infuse a stone over the course of 8 hours to give it a minor Transmutation effect. These include seeing in the dark, resistance to diseases and poisons, resistance to an element of your choice, or slightly increased speed. These benefits affect only those carrying the stone, and the user may spend an hour changing one effect to another. More powerful Transmutation Wizards can overload their stone, breaking it, but causing a powerful effect. These include curing any and all poisons, curses, and diseases on one creature, as well as fully healing it, raising a recently deceased creature whose body is still mostly intact, restore youth to a creature, or change one object into another that is of similar size and shape, and of equal or lesser value.
Necromancy is all about the dead. Raising them, controlling them, destroying them, the list goes on. Most Necromancers are seen as evil. Desecrating the dead and making mindless puppets out of them to do their evil deeds. Popular Necromancy Spells include Inflict Wounds, Animate Dead, and Ray of Sickness. Wizards studying under the School of Necromancy learn to absorb the life force of slain foes, restoring a small about of life if they deliver the killing blow. They also soon learn to summon their own personal undead thrall. Lastly, powerful Necromancers can control undead summoned by others, but more intelligent undead are harder to resist.
The School of Divination is all about detecting things and gaining insight into the future or the locations of people or objects. Most Diviners are highly respected and make a living as Seers, usually locating criminals or valuable objects. Popular Divination Spells include Detect Magic, Clairvoyance, and the spell Divination. Wizards studying under the School of Divination learn to glimpse into the near future, with relatively little control. But with this you could forsee an attack and easily dodge it, leaving them open, or you could forsee the location of a hidden room. Diviners also learn how to open a sort of "Third Eye" that heightens their perception. With this heightened perception, you have the options of seeing in the dark, seeing invisible creatures, and being able to comprehend any and all written languages.
The School of Conjuration is all about summoning and creation. Summoning monsters to fight and assist you, or summoning objects or even more abstract things like wind. Common Conjuration spells include Summon Monster, Mage Hand, and Dimension Door. Wizards studying the School of Conjuration can conjure small objects like matchbooks or glass vials at extremely little cost, toughen up summons all around, and eventually learning how to summon yourself, effectively teleporting yourself a short distance.
Unlike the Wizard, who has spent long hours pouring over their tomes looking for a deeper understanding of magic in order to cast it, Sorcerers are instead born with this magical power, and as such have the most powerful spells out of any class. Rather than focusing on a school of magic, Sorcerers strengthen the power of their bloodline. Whether you're a Favored Soul, chosen by the Gods and you have access to healing magic, or your great great great granddaddy banged a dragon and you have more powerful spells related to the element of that dragon, as well as some other draconic abilities, this is how a Sorcerer becomes stronger. Unlike the Wizard who must memorize their spells in order to cast them, a Sorcerer has these spells innately, and can cast them at any time. This does unfortunately mean that swapping spells as a Sorcerer is very difficult, usually involving some sort of ritual to manipulate the power within you. On the plus side however, Sorcerers also tend to have somewhat more powerful spells, and can cast them more often. Also note that rather than relying on your intelligence for your spells like a Wizard, Sorcerers use their Charisma to cast spells. Like the Bard, you must project yourself enough to fire a lightning bolt, or surround yourself with Mage Armor. Again like the Wizard, Sorcerers cannot use armor or shields, as special gestures or movements are needed armor interferes with this. And while able to use simple weapons like a dagger or a staff, Sorcerers use Cantrips to deal basic damage, like how an archer fires a bow, or a Barbarian swings an Axe. A Cantrip is basically a level 0 spell that us so ingrained into you that you can cast it infinitely with no cost. Sorcerers are proficient in two of the following skills: Arcana, Deception, Insight, Intimidation, Persuasion, and Religion. For those looking for straight up arcane power, the Sorcerer is for you.
Well, somewhere in your family tree was a dragon, and their magic powers have trickled down to you, whether you like it or not. First, choose an element that belongs to a dragon, you become resistant to this element. Then, your skin hardens, giving you a form of natural armor. Then, spells that deal damage related to the element you chose, deal extra damage. Later, you can sprout draconic wings, giving you flying abilities. Lastly, powerful Draconic Sorcerers, can exude an aura of fear or awe, debuffing opponents, or buffing allies, respectively.
Sorcerers are stronger and can cast spells more often, but Wizards have access to more spells and can swap them out on the fly.
The third way to get your hands on magic is to make a deal with someone *way* stronger than you for some of their magic. Warlocks get their spells by signing a deal with a "Patron". This Patron could be a powerful demon, An Archfey, a Great Old Eldritch Abomination, or even a powerful undead, like a Dracolich. Seeing as you're sort of cheating the system and having magic when you're not supposed to, can cause some problems. For starters, your choice of spells is quite limited, as well as your mana pool, and if you go against your Patron's wishes, they can rip away your powers. On the flipside however, you recover mana much faster than everyone else, and like the Wizard, Swapping Spells is very easy. It's simply a matter of asking your Patron for a different spell. Although constantly pestering them for new spells will probably get your request rejected. Warlocks aren't great with weapons, like the other spellcasters, and can only really use simple weapons, dealing most if their damage with Cantrips. Cantrips are the equivalent of level 0 spells that are so easy to cast and so ingrained into you that they can be cast infinitely with no cost to you. In terms of armor however, Warlocks have a bit of an easier time casting magic, and are able to wear light armor without penalties, however shields are still off the theoretical table. Warlocks are proficient in two of the following skills: Arcana, Deception, History, Intimidation, Investigation, Nature, and Religion. For those of you looking to strike a deal with the devil, the Warlock is for you.
A Hexblade Warlock is different from most others as their Patron is a powerful semi or fully Sentient Weapon. These weapons generally do not like being used for combat, or anything, really. An example would be, the soul of an ancestor is infused into a sword, and as you and the sword become more connected, your powers grow as well.
Hey now.
As time goes on, I'll add random stuff to this.
We praise it up in here!
I'm 6'2. So my arms are around 3 feet long. So last time I went on the American Eagle roller-coaster, I hurt my finger.
I take hot showers to practice burning in hell.
Stay classy America!
Have you tried setting it to Wumbo?
I'm hungry.
DS1 Bonewheels haunt my dreams.
Have you been flossing?
So... You come here often?
Dragon Dance!
Canada isn't real.
My favorite band would have to be Ninja Sex Party.
Nobody pays me in gum :(
Rush B Faggots!
The speed of light's for pussies, we're going at the speed of Brian!
Yarr!
Remember kids, don't have kids.
Wheeeee!
Accept Ron Swanson as your one true god.
Knee deep in the doot.
Pew!
My penis is so big it goes from A to Z on the keyboard. Oh yeah! Oh shit, wait...
I though my life was hard because I had no shoes... Until I met a man who had no legs...
I've met a lot of pricks in my life, but you good sir are a god damn cactus.
Hi!
The Resident Evil 4 merchant is forever embedded in my heart.
If you ever feel powerless, just remember that a single one of your public hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
[I]CRAVE RIDER![/I]
Sweet dreams are made of memes, travel the world and the seven... something that rhymes with memes but isn't seas because that's the original lyric...
There's no time to explain, pull up your pants and RUN!
Don't repost in my neighborhood if you know what's good for you.
I'm not very smart, but I know quite a lot.
Ra, Ra, Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine...
[i]C O N N I P T I O N S[/i]
If you haven't already figured it out, I like to talk. I'm just not very good at it.
Mmmmmm, Bepis.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
[Hider=Lyrics to Agustus Gloop]
Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!
The great big greedy nincompoop!
Augustus Gloop!
So big and vile
So greedy, foul, and infantile
'Come on!' we cried, 'The time is right,
To send him shooting up the pipe!
But don't, dear children, be alarmed;
Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed.
Although, of course, we must admit
He will be altered quite a bit.
Slowly, the wheels go round and round,
The cogs begin to grind and pound;
We boil him for a minute more,
Until we're absolutely sure
Then out he comes! And now! By grace!
A miracle has taken place!
A miracle has taken place!
This greedy brute, this louse's ear,
Is loved by people everywhere!
For who could hate or bear a grudge
Against a luscious bit of fudge?
[/hider]
Skate fast, eat ass.
I'm hungry. Gonna make me some Pizza Rolls.
[i]Transformers! More than meets the eye! Transformers! Robots in disguise! [/i]
Ye hoebag!
I'm stiiill, in a dreeeaaam, [i]Snake Eater![/i]
[i]"I would trade it all away, if you come back to staaaay. This kitchen's not the same, without youuuu!"[/i]
A long time ago, actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why its been everywhere. Its been so everywhere you don't need a where. You don't even need a when. That's how every it gets.
🎵We're all just assholes, lookin' at a screen.🎵
Been a while, eh?
Engrish is my favorite language.
[hider=Lyrics to my favorite song]
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Go!
For 30 odd years I have lived with this curse
My vocabulary was stunted at birth
By a witchdoctor from over the seas
Casting his strange voodoo magic on me
Now when I speak, it's rather absurd
An endless tirade of four letter words
I lash out in anger at all in my way
Shocking unspeakable things that I say
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck you!
Long I have waited to have my revenge
To bring that witchdoctor to his bitter end
So I have gathered a ship and a crew
We're sailing to find him, we know what to do
On a dark moonless night, when he least suspects
We'll creep up behind him, so hard to detect
We'll bring out our anchor by the light of the stars
And shove it inside of his big fuckin' arse
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker
We're gonna punch you right in the balls
Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor
You're all cunts so fuck you all
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<div style="white-space:pre-wrap;">Hey now.<br><br>As time goes on, I'll add random stuff to this.<br><br>We praise it up in here!<br><br>I'm 6'2. So my arms are around 3 feet long. So last time I went on the American Eagle roller-coaster, I hurt my finger.<br><br>I take hot showers to practice burning in hell.<br><br>Stay classy America!<br><br>Have you tried setting it to Wumbo?<br><br>I'm hungry.<br><br>DS1 Bonewheels haunt my dreams.<br><br>Have you been flossing?<br><br>So... You come here often?<br><br>Dragon Dance!<br><br>Canada isn't real.<br><br>My favorite band would have to be Ninja Sex Party.<br><br>Nobody pays me in gum :(<br><br>Rush B Faggots!<br><br>The speed of light's for pussies, we're going at the speed of Brian! <br><br>Yarr!<br><br>Remember kids, don't have kids.<br><br>Wheeeee!<br><br>Accept Ron Swanson as your one true god. <br><br>Knee deep in the doot.<br><br>Pew!<br><br>My penis is so big it goes from A to Z on the keyboard. Oh yeah! Oh shit, wait...<br><br>I though my life was hard because I had no shoes... Until I met a man who had no legs...<br><br>I've met a lot of pricks in my life, but you good sir are a god damn cactus.<br><br>Hi!<br><br>The Resident Evil 4 merchant is forever embedded in my heart.<br><br>If you ever feel powerless, just remember that a single one of your public hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.<br><br><span class="bb-i">CRAVE RIDER!</span><br><br>Sweet dreams are made of memes, travel the world and the seven... something that rhymes with memes but isn't seas because that's the original lyric...<br><br>There's no time to explain, pull up your pants and RUN!<br><br>Don't repost in my neighborhood if you know what's good for you.<br><br>I'm not very smart, but I know quite a lot.<br><br>Ra, Ra, Rasputin, Russia's greatest love machine...<br><br><span class="bb-i">C O N N I P T I O N S</span><br><br>If you haven't already figured it out, I like to talk. I'm just not very good at it.<br><br>Mmmmmm, Bepis.<br><br>¯\_(ツ)_/¯<br><br><div class="hider-panel"><div class="hider-heading"><button type="button" class="btn btn-default btn-xs hider-button" data-name="Lyrics to Agustus Gloop">Lyrics to Agustus Gloop [+]</button></div><div class="hider-body" style="display: none">Augustus Gloop! Augustus Gloop!<br>The great big greedy nincompoop!<br><br>Augustus Gloop!<br>So big and vile<br>So greedy, foul, and infantile<br><br>'Come on!' we cried, 'The time is right,<br>To send him shooting up the pipe!<br><br>But don't, dear children, be alarmed;<br>Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed.<br><br>Although, of course, we must admit<br>He will be altered quite a bit.<br>Slowly, the wheels go round and round,<br>The cogs begin to grind and pound;<br>We boil him for a minute more,<br>Until we're absolutely sure<br>Then out he comes! And now! By grace!<br>A miracle has taken place!<br>A miracle has taken place!<br><br>This greedy brute, this louse's ear,<br>Is loved by people everywhere!<br>For who could hate or bear a grudge<br>Against a luscious bit of fudge?</div></div><br><br>Skate fast, eat ass.<br><br>I'm hungry. Gonna make me some Pizza Rolls.<br><br><span class="bb-i">Transformers! More than meets the eye! Transformers! Robots in disguise! </span><br><br>Ye hoebag!<br><br>I'm stiiill, in a dreeeaaam, <span class="bb-i">Snake Eater!</span><br><br><span class="bb-i">"I would trade it all away, if you come back to staaaay. This kitchen's not the same, without youuuu!"</span><br><br>A long time ago, actually, never, and also now, nothing is nowhere. When? Never. Makes sense, right? Like I said, it didn't happen. Nothing was never anywhere. That's why its been everywhere. Its been so everywhere you don't need a where. You don't even need a when. That's how every it gets.<br><br>🎵We're all just assholes, lookin' at a screen.🎵<br><br>Been a while, eh?<br><br>Engrish is my favorite language.<br><br><div class="hider-panel"><div class="hider-heading"><button type="button" class="btn btn-default btn-xs hider-button" data-name="Lyrics to my favorite song">Lyrics to my favorite song [+]</button></div><div class="hider-body" style="display: none">Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br>Go!<br><br>For 30 odd years I have lived with this curse<br>My vocabulary was stunted at birth<br>By a witchdoctor from over the seas<br>Casting his strange voodoo magic on me<br>Now when I speak, it's rather absurd<br>An endless tirade of four letter words<br>I lash out in anger at all in my way<br>Shocking unspeakable things that I say<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br><br>Fuck you!<br><br>Long I have waited to have my revenge<br>To bring that witchdoctor to his bitter end<br>So I have gathered a ship and a crew<br>We're sailing to find him, we know what to do<br>On a dark moonless night, when he least suspects<br>We'll creep up behind him, so hard to detect<br>We'll bring out our anchor by the light of the stars<br>And shove it inside of his big fuckin' arse<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all<br><br>Fuck! You! You're a fucking wanker<br>We're gonna punch you right in the balls<br>Fuck! You! With a fucking anchor<br>You're all cunts so fuck you all</div></div><br></div>