PlatinumSkink — Roleplayer Guild

Reviews. May or may not have been influenced by my current mind-set as I was reading them. I've written what I've been thinking after reading the entry. That's about that.

... *sigh*. Oh, well. Yeah, that's being stubborn, but it is hard to accept the loss of something if there's even the slightest possibility to get it back. In any case.

The writing is alright. I certainly see why you picked Zack to be the character here, given the challenge. Gee, these challenges aren't very kind to these two, are they? In any case. While your writing is perfectly fine, the story was kind of dull. Mercifully short, but it was obvious how it would end from the first sentences. I don't really see how he failed to challenge his mind to get what he wanted, suppose if he had incapacitated the guards they wouldn't have blown up the thing. Oh, well. It is nice enough. You're capable of nice things, so yes.

*shiver* Alright, that was creepy. The title does declare something about what he has decided here. This series of unfortunate events... Oh, well. About that "goal that takes legendary effort and toil", it is there, but at the same time it isn't the focal point of the story here, is it? We don't actually get to know if taking this darker route helps him ultimately achieve his goal. Oh, well. Now that I'm done with that nitpick, time to stroke your ego.

Wonderfully written. There's never a dull moment when you're writing, eh? The story is engaging, the explanations makes sense without disruption and the ultimate result of the story is both heart-breaking and understandable. We do not get the whole story here, but for this chapter, yikes, you're good at creating characters. Very well done. I'm still shaken. Geesh.

*reads Aria's review* Ah. I see. Nitpick invalidated. Well done.

Not sure what the goal was. What exactly the challenge was. Oh, well.

That's a sad little tale, but it was really well executed. I don't have a problem with any of the contents, it was fine. It had to end like that, huh. Oh, well. Well written. I don't think I have anything else to say about it.

I'd like to make the point that I never got confused about who was who.

Well, that was probably the most classic and believable way this Labour could be accomplished. There is no question what the goal is, no question of what the challenge was and no questions about what change was needed in order to accomplish the goal. You completed the labour exactly as it was said on the tin, no need to think about any complicated reasonings behind anything, this was just so very classical and clear. I am a little perplexed as to why not make the challenge he needed help with the final challenge, but eh, that's not strictly necessary. This thing was so classic that I was like expecting it to throw a twist at me at any second. It didn't, it remained classic, and although therefore somewhat plain it does its job well and was well written. Nicely done.

Some of those paragraphs could have been split up into smaller, more easily read ones. Haha.

Oh, you made it easy for me.

Super-short, super-poetic, super-confusing. So, uh, she tried to die in order to make people care about her, but in her suicide they instead frowned upon her cowardly decision to escape life. I think? In any case. I am impressed by your intention to take on this challenge with a poem. Though, um. Wasn't the thing about the challenge that "Change and succeed, or do not change and fail"? She changed, didn't she? Suicide is an alternative method that one would have to change in order to make the decision to do. Yet, she failed by changing? Doesn't that go directly against the intentions of this challenge? Did I miss something? Oh, well. Nice rhymes! That title drop was spectacular! :D

... Tsk. ... I suppose that was the nature of the Labour. On one hand, I would question the ambivalence of the character. She appears to be a straight-forward good person, I don't see the potential darkness also residing inside her. On the other hand, you did as the challenge indicated. Had she tried to remain good to the end, both she and him would have tumbled to their deaths. She had to decide to do the logical, if cold, thing to do and let him go in order to grab the sword for whatever purpose it was that she had come for it for. I have nothing to complain on that for. Well done making me like the characters on that short a notice. It is excellently written. I agree with what Blitz wrote. Now, what do I do? Eh. Onto the next.

*sigh* Oh, well. If nothing else, he should at least be praised for trying. I'm unsure which version of football this is, but in the end that doesn't even remotely matter. I got the exact same aura from this as I got from a certain sports-related book I read as a part of my education when I was younger. Well, except in that book the struggles of the boy paid off well, but, eh, details. What I meant to arrive at is that this could have been what I was reading, that's the quality of it. I will mention that I got bored by said book, but undoubtedly there are those that would not be. I find your decision to include all the scenes, regardless of how relevant they were, to make the entry feel like a real-life story. It felt like it was the true story it was loosely based on, and that's well done. It felt believable. So in that kind of way, well done. Now, I will admit that I myself don't really agree with this genre, but I do have enough experience with it to tell when it is pulled off well. And this is. Nicely done.

The way this entry told me everything that happened was not very exciting. I might have seen this with different eyes if it had been the first one I read, but now it was the last one, and not only was I getting tired but I was getting bored as well after the last one, and this in no way revitalized my excitement. I, um, don't feel like writing a lot. There is ability to write in this entry, it was just used the wrong way. Considering the introduction, I feel like you knew that already. 

As I personally consider what I know you to have written in the past, I'd like to suggest have you somehow write a shorter entry, with only enough dialogue to get the message across, and have the rest of it be descriptions as the character experiences the world around him or her, describe the character's emotions about it, how s/he acts in the world and why. Perhaps a little exposition in the beginning. Don't necessarily take that to heart, but. Keep things in mind.

So, I don't think I responded to all the reviews on my last entry, so I will do so here.
@PlatinumSkink Right? It's good. We're dealing obviously with a very action-heavy story, and the action is solid. Since it is a battle, I'm not going to stress out much about 'OH THERE WASN'T ENOUGH BACKGROUND FOR XYZ," I mean, this is a fight not a bible story. The scene with the kid isn't super -- the points are getting across, this is a badass swordmaster with a specific attitude, he's issuing a challenge, he's scary and he killed his dad.... it's not super though, and it almost could be. If we focused a little more on character development, in like an active way, during that scene, it would carry the action a little better later on. 

I think you are abusing the ellipsis a little bit, and that's something I do myself, so I'm really not trying to offend. There's a lot of ellipses in here. I mean a whole lot. I'm not saying EVERY SINGLE ONE needs to be replaced with sentences, but most of them probably should be. As an exercise, try writing out a few connective sentences/fragments/whatever, especially on the trailing ellipses, and see what comes out. It might be better (it might not, too, but still). Whenever there's that much of something in a story -- be it ellipsis, comma, or 'he said,' it's time to swear off that element for a while just for the sake of growth. Even if it worked perfectly every time, you wouldn't gain much by doing it again.

I'm, eh, not sure what you mean in either of your points. XD ... So, I mean, how would I, in an active way, focus a little more on character development in that scene? Oh, well. You don't need to reply if you don't remember, it was two months ago. XD
I'd probably write those example sentences with trailing ellipses and see absolutely nothing wrong with them, as such I don't really know what it would be good for. In my newest entry, I just decided to go CTRL-F and eliminate every single instance of ellipses to stop getting complaints about them. I have no idea where I could use them without people reacting to them, after all.
Thanks for saying it is good and praising the action~
Looks like I won't make any comments on the ellipses as people already have. Honestly, I won't comment on them anymore, I promise! You like them, so you do you. Can't blame you, ellipses can be quite addictive. Anyway, on to the story. Your action writing can get a tad mechanical. I do like that you have more character thoughts in the midst of the battle (story in general, really). And it's almost stream of consciousness from the view of the Swordmaster. He's a murderer with a fragile mind it seems. The writing conveys that in the way it feels scattered. Perhaps not always my cup of tea, but when it's done right it can be very powerful. Sion intrigued me with his master mind. I'm pretty fond of those devious types of characters who can pull the rug from underneath just about anyone. There's a lot of telling in his scene with the child. About what he's doing, why he's doing it. Leave something to the imagination would be my advice. That scene with the child should be chilling, spine-tinglingly horrifying and unsettling. But I don't get to see or feel that. I'm told a lot of things that could be conveyed through action, visuals, dialogue that's not on the nose. Lots of creativity and potential for deep, fascinating characters.

 Indeed, it is a stream of consciousness from the Swordmaster, though I did plan it out a bit beforehand. Haha. ... I don't have a whole lot more to comment on, but thank you for providing your viewpoints. It does appear it overall did well with you, even if you could poke at many things. Thank you, and I'll keep these things in mind. Leave some parts to the imagination...? Oh, allow me to consider how I could use that. Hahaha. And yeah, I do like my characters. Teh-heh.

And now, my entry was Little Guardian. I don't remember saying I wanted to be anonymous, though suppose I didn't say the opposite, either. It slipped my mind as I was handing it in. Hahaha. Alright, responses, responses.
Ahh, I remember writing a review for Little Me.

Oh, wow, this’ll be a long one. Looks like you were the one who broke the limit, eh? Hmmm!

Hah, just kidding, I don’t care.

“A few minutes prior”… Time traveling within a story about time traveling? Meta-time-traveling?! Okay, I can dig it, I can dig it.

Oh, oh my.

Oh, wow.

Okay. Maybe I can’t dig it.

So, those descriptions you gave of Calan? Where he looks like he’s in pain and stuff? Yeah, that’s me right now. Whew, you really spun up a crazy tale there. Time travel is definitely not my cup of tea. I could sorta follow the logic behind the main character’s plan and how she executed it, but damn! The future time travelers need to come to this time and recruit you, if there was ever any kind of… um. Intergalactic time-based warfare, and they needed a strategist. Holy damn.

Now, the idea and the plot itself were very unique and I really liked that, but the story itself did not flow very well with me. It was long and included a lot of action, and I mean a lot, but things just felt a little rushed, with leaving some details out. However, like all of us, you had a limited timeframe and the gist of your story was still communicated, so, okay, I guess. But still, WOW. Have you watched Inception? Could you explain it to me? I’m serious. The fact that you actually wrote a story about time traveling and, and, and… making it actually work (fairies and parallel universes notwithstanding), that’s pretty commendable. 

The protagonist went through ALL THAT, just to ensure her past self lived a better life. Pretty selfless, I’d say. Or… Well, I guess by definition that is technically selfish, but since she herself isn’t getting any benefit from it… Ah, you get what I’m saying. :)

Teh-heh, you're perfectly correct. In fact, if it was 12 days we had to deliver the message, I spent most of the first 11 days coming up with a way for Big Me to somehow trick the History Guardians in a different entry of mine. I had so many different thoughts going around, a lot of "No, she can't do that, she'd fail because-" and lots of dead-ends and changing the rules of the universe to match my hopes. In one possibility there was replacing the picture with a fake one, and time-travel from nearby making the Time Fairies think it was the ripples from the frame they felt but it was actually a time-machine, and for the longest time I was running around with the idea of there being two different time-axises, or that reality only existed up to a certain point and had to happen again in-real-time every time the future was changed...

Lots of really complicated things. When I finally managed to come up with a working plan, I had a single day to write it down on. The result is what you have there. And yes, Calan's reactions are 100% based on what I was feeling when I was trying to create this entry due to the Master's Degree in Temporal Science I had to tear my hair out to get before I was done with this. Seems like you agree with me on that point. Right now, though, I don't regret a thing. That was a ton of fun.

Maybe I should go watch Inception. :P

Your decision to remain anonymous aside, know this: I was genuinely impressed by this entry, and it's easily the best out of your submissions thus far. You've cleaned up basically everything I criticized your previous entries for. The establishing scene and the transition immediately afterwards is somewhat repetitive, but even once I read it the second time around I found that I didn't actually mind. The pacing is nicely balanced, each action is sufficiently descriptive while remaining succinct, and you do an excellent job of conveying both thought and emotion through simple visual descriptions and abstract thought narrative. The entry is cleaner overall, with few typos, grammatical errors, contradictions of tense, or structural errors. I spotted the occasional letter here and there that should have been capitalized and wasn't, but that's a minor nitpick. One thing that I did notice though, was a few awkward of narration - here for example.

I sat instinctively politely, my hands together, staring blankly forward at the young man that had visited me. He didn't look very enthusiastic, either, leaned back relaxed in the chair opposite the table. On top of the table, as ridiculous as it sounds, was a twelve-inch tall fairy, dressed in a tiny green dress and vibrantly displayed in bright and comparatively long green hair, her large transparent butterfly wings waving slowly behind her. She looked at me with lively though worried eyes.

"So, I'm Calan, a History Guardian. This is Miliana, a Time Fairy of Aeternam. We're here because you've been found to have used unauthorized time-travel." The boy explained, sounding like he did take his job seriously but against his own will, practically bored with it. I stared back at them. My head repeated the line. You got to be kidding me. A paranormal phenomenon allowed me to influence the actions of my past self, splitting her off from this reality. In some god-forsaken future, that was illegal?Paragraphs 8, 9
While your first-person narrative is unbroken, the underlined pieces are contextually inappropriate relative to the rest of their paragraph (and to most of the story as well). In the first case you act as though the narrative were a retelling rather than merely a third person continuous present narrative. In the second case, you literally narrate what her thought is, which disconnects with how you convey what she's thinking in the rest of the story - through the use of abstract narrative or through simple emotional/facial descriptions. That doesn't mean you can't narrate her actual thoughts; just be sure to use an appropriate narrative transition first. Here's a few more examples from later on as well.

I made sure all the flashing instruments were accurate, as I put in the desired date into the computer, like Nyssa had shown me how to do. I was now to become a normal time-traveler rather than a History Guardian. Let's see, machine, what you can do.

I sat down, and strapped myself in place. The fairy felt the movement from my hand, and complained loudly though I held in front of her mouth with a finger. Oh, dear, is it supposed to spin this much?A Bit Later
Also present were a few awkward choices of subject/verb usage as well as a few instances of ambiguous reference- check the first quoted passage above again. 'Bored with it' (his job or his will?), 'My head repeated the line' (Clunky choice of subject that doesn't work well with the chosen verb), and 'that was illegal?' (subject is in a previous sentence). In the future keep a look out for sentence subjects that do not seem to make complete sense as well as for sentences which cannot stand on their own.

The biggest problem I have with this story is something which you have absolutely nothing to do with: These time fairies are complete idiots, and so are their human pets. For beings who possess passive, reflexive time manipulation they seem ill-prepared for even simple Gambits.

I also had a little bit of trouble believing that your character had any compunction about killing Miliana Prime. She seemed to be rather pragmatic in all-but-name at other parts of the story, especially when she double-crossed Nyssa, knocked out Calan, and outright attacked two other time fairies - nevermind the temporal shenanigans that basically ensured none of them would (technically) die. However, you do linger on the event and the complications involved sufficiently to make me at least believe such reluctance was possible. The Labour did call for an ambivalent character, but you probably could have found a way to foreshadow her reluctance more directly.

Keep at it, you are definitely improving - by leaps and bounds, as it were.

That wasn't a decision, that was a slip of my mind. XD

I'm not entirely sure I'm improving. I'd say I was just having a better day. Oh, and I avoided ellipses, because otherwise I'd have gotten comments about it. There were uncapitalized letters? Eternal shame upon me, I'm better than that. Oh, well.

I see what you're saying with the underlined examples and other things you point out. The thing about having some sentences be her actual thoughts was a decision I made to indicate the more character-full occasions. Oh, and yes, by necessity the Time Fairies are rather child-like in nature, and things became like this in order to allow my main character to succeed. I had to pull some really unlikely things to get things into her favour, like Nyssa entrusting her with the most dangerous part of the plan and leaving herself open to be double-crossed... She wouldn't normally have done that, would she? Haha.

I'm pretty sure of her mindset in all scenes. The one thing she absolutely wanted to avoid was to injure someone directly. The attack on those two fairies and on Calan were in the heat of the moment, the double-crossing on Nyssa was easy because she didn't actually injure anyone, and the explosion was indirect and with the comfort that anyone who died could be returned. It was in that final scene that she found that her plan wouldn't be complete had she not killed the fairy in cold blood. She could have let her live depending on what she said, but when Miliana made the mistake of saying that Big Me's plan had failed because Miliana was still alive... Yeah.

Thank you very much for saying you're impressed with my entry. It does make me somewhat happy. I shall do my best to keep that as an ongoing thing with the coming labours. PlatinumSkink, out.

That's about that.
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