”Trickshot” Jo’ Vs. Chaka Ram “The Silencer”: Paintball Begin!
Chaka stood tall above the honey badger that would be their opponent, rifle draped over their chest. The red lenses of their gas mask gleamed as the sunlight struck off them in just the right angle.
”I have no time for boasting and insults,” they said rather matter of factly. As they spoke, two men approached the duo carrying cartridges and bullet boxes, presenting them to the contestants.
”No live ammunition, paintballs only. We can provide shots for your revolvers if you want, or you can borrow one of my rifles.” Chaka opened up their trenchcoat, revealing a veritable armory hidden just out of sight! Multiple rifles, shotguns, pistols, grenades, and other assorted tools of death and maiming! Joanne Schrodinger could not help but admire the collection, her eyes growing big and wide. Still, a moment of admiration could not alter her stubborn nature.
”Bitch, shut yo punk ass up, I ain’t need no handouts, foo’. I gots everythin’ I need right here.” Jo’ pulled out her revolvers and gave each one a kiss, then grabbed a box of ammo from one of the grunts.
”Soon as I load’em up, I can knock you down, honky!”To their credit, Chaka was not the least bit agitated by the badger’s constant baiting insults. Or at least if they were bothered, their choice of attire prevented any signs from showing. Once both competitors had loaded up their weapons, Chaka looked down at Jo’ once again.
”Two fully loaded six shot revolvers. Only twelve shots to beat me with. You sure you don’t want to carry a reload?”The offer seemed genuine, or at least neutral enough to be non-threatening. Joanne shrugged her opponent off.
”Only gonna need half as much to take out yo pansy ass.””Very well.” And without another word Chaka marched into the left opening of the hedge maze, rifle slung up by their shoulder. Joanne scurried on as well, through the right opening.
From their seats on the elevated bleachers, all three pirate crews could easily make out the action… For Chaka, at least. Truthfully even standing on her hind legs Joanne was too short to be seen anywhere in the maze, making it quite the show for surprises.
After a minute of walking, Joanne stopped in her tracks. Carefully she peered around the only corner in view, but nobody was on the other side. A grin began to spread across her animalistic face as she took a step back and began to sniff the air.
Sniff sniff sniff sniff. Twenty-two meters to the left. If that jerk thought that a maze was going to confuse her animal instincts, then he had another thing coming! Joanne took off in a charge, both pistols drawn. She didn’t bother navigating the maze like some stupid human, she was an animal! A walking, talking, rootin’ shootin’ animal, but then that just made her all the better! Honey badger don’t care about no maze rules! She wormed through the brush, dodged between branches, and chewed anything in her path too troubling to charge around!
Finally, she saw her opponent. He was standing in the middle of a pathway, looking like a total moron, not moving. Without thinking she burst from the brush in a surprised attack!
”SKREEEEE!” she cried out, letting loose two bullets, one from each pistol, and each struck true to her target: straight into the back of the head. Chaka was more pathetic than she could have hoped for, falling to the ground instantly! Ha! And from two little paintballs!
Wait, the head shouldn’t be rolling away like that…
Click.Joanne’s fur stood on end. The bastard was
behind her. A decoy! Thanks to her well-trained instincts, Joanne twisted around and rolled to the side just in time to hear a gunshot. Blue paint splattered right next to where she happened to be standing a mere second ago. Chaka stood but four feet away, no longer wearing that large overcoat. Surprise morphed back into confidence as she let loose two shots. Just as before, they struck true: red and green splatter appeared on Chaka’s forehead, scoring a total of 100 points.
”I underestimated you,” Chaka commented, diving into the bush wall.
”It won’t happen again.” Unlike Pike, who sounded indignant when he spoke those words, Chaka Ram sounded factual, as though they were simply reading from a school lecture.
”Come back here!” Jo’ shouted, taking off through the same hedge. She immediately regretted it. Her left leg caught on a trip wire of some sort, yanking loose a pin. A quick glance at the source of the pin revealed something terrible: a grenade. The trap immediately began spewing forth a thick black smog-like gas, enveloping the honey badger. Joanne coughed, tripping through the brush.
”Cough cough! Bitch you said no live ammunition!” Joanne fought to regain her sense of direction, to see where she was, but the smoke was blinding and stinging. Her eyes swelled up, red, puffy, and then shut entirely. She was blind. Immediately she switched up to rely on her smell, but all that she could smell was a tar-like scent. The smoke grenade had robbed her of both vision and smell.
”Smoke doesn’t count,” echoed her opponent’s voice from within the maze. Well, at least she could still hear.
”It doesn’t target. It doesn’t kill. You can’t shoot with it.””Yeah, it don’t target, but ain’t it just convenient as shit that you ain’t affected, what with that stupid ass Halloween mask?” Normally Joanne hurled insults because it was simply in her nature as a crass badger, but this time there was reason to it. Keep them talking. Have to
listen.”Preparation is key. Every battle is decided before the first shot is ever fired. Like so.” BANG! Joanne suddenly felt a soft impact against the left side of her head, followed by a splatter. So the asshole was already halfway caught up in points… But now she knew where he was at.
She fired a shot from her left pistol, not caring whether or not she actually hit Chaka. It only needed to act as a deterrent. Distract Chaka, let them hide or dodge long enough for Joanne to get her bearings back. She fired two more shots, interchanging pistols, charging out and away from the black smog. A second later and she charged headfirst into a hedge bush, the rustling throwing off all sense of her surroundings once more.
”Mother FU-” But the badger never finished her curse, silenced by a sudden epiphany. She grinned. There was one more animal sense this bastard hadn’t taken away from her, and she’d use it to win.
Meanwhile, Chaka patrolled a nearby path with vigilance. They had dodged out of the way as soon as Joanne began to return fire, taking cover behind a separate path. The first shot she fired off, miraculously, hit Chaka square in the left chest. Had that little pistol wielding animal really that good hearing? It was a possibility, one that the sniper of the Buccaneers couldn’t so quickly write off. If it were just luck, then there wasn’t any action to take, just hope that luck had run dry. However, if true, then there was something Chaka could do about that…
Chaka returned to their original position, ready to engage the honey badger once more. The opponent had rushed directly into the brush in her blind stupor, so this was the perfect opportunity to strike back! Chaka examined the point of entry, then cocked their head in confusion. A hunter and tracker for nearly twenty years, they had the skills to determine that this was indeed where Joanne had jumped through the hedge, and yet… Zero signs pointed toward an exit. The badger hadn’t left the hedge from another side, nor did she come back from where she came, yet there was no badger here. How?
”SURPRISE, HONKY!” Chaka jumped back in shock as Joanne leaped straight up from…
The ground?! Before the Buccaneer knew what had happened, Joanne latched onto their face and began firing shot after shot right into the side of Chaka’s head.
”KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE! Badgers burrow, bitch!”Oh.
Oh. Of course. What a silly oversight. Well now that that was done, there could only be one thing Chaka was to do. They fell forward.
”UGH! Wha’chu doin’?!” But Joanne didn’t get another word out. As soon as Chaka’s face pressed Joanne into the hard ground like a piledriver, the sniper thwapped their opponent in the head with the butt of their rifle. The force wasn’t enough to knock Joanne unconscious, but it did a great job dazing her.
Taking advantage of the opportunity, Chaka unloaded every last shot they had in their rifle on Joanne’s head. With each concussive force, soft though they were individually, the built up pressure only worsened Joanne’s thought processes. Then, when all the ammunition was gone, Chaka dropped the rifle and wrested Joanne’s pistols from her paws. Those paint bullets found their way into Joanne’s skull as well, though only two shots remained. By the time the onslaught was over, there could be no question as to the winner. Chaka had a single paint splat on their chest, and seven around their head. By contrast Joanne had been splattered no less than fifteen times in the cranium, and could barely comprehend where she was or what she was doing.
A few minutes passed, allowing Chaka to carry Joanne out of the maze, holding onto both of their weapons. The badger was carefully placed down in the grass, where the referees took to counting both of their battle wounds, despite it being obvious who the victor was. Joanne was only just coming around when the announcement was made.
“At 750 points to 365, the winner is Chaka Ram!”
Leaves