"One moment, bapadee, another moment bapa da da in your mom."
The aliens looked terrified, or they would look that way if we knew how to comprehend their expressions, which we didn't, because they were alines. Idiot.
They went from this:
Or had they always been like that? Yup, they were definitely like that before. Nothing to see here, no changes whatsoever. What? You don't believe me or something? Why you lookin' at me like that. Okay look, I'm lying, go back and find the first picture of them. They look the goddamn same. I'll wait.
Who'm I kidding no I won't. Don't waste my time.
Anyways, the alines were pretty scared, but that was okay, because the Crusaders started saying "Deus Vult,"
which in their language meant "Give me a hug or we go to war."
It's a beautiful, complicated language called Neurolatin. Look it up. Oh wait, you can't because you don't have space google. Sucker.
The aliens opened their arms, and bared themselves to the Crusaders, dropping their arms--no not their biological arms, the weapons they were holding. Yeah, good job buddy. However, before they knew what hit them--it was swords and various other medieval weaponry--they got skewered and crushed.
Or at least, the first aline of offensitude did. Reacting to the violencitude, the aliens roared, and struck out, two of them picking up their space ship, or what we'd thought was their space ship, and using it to crush some of the Crusaders--aka they were using their spcae ship as a bludgeoning tool because the alines were total badasses unlike you. Maybe you should have thought about that before attacking them @ArkmageddonCat.
Nearby people started running and screaming, fleeing from the scene. The firefighters arrived, followed by an electrician and a plumber.
They would be useless for about 89.50% of the operation and useful for about the other 1%. You want to know about the rest of the percentage? Too bad. You'll find out when I decide to care. Get kid scrub
"When my grandfather was a child, he used to run along the power lines an---"
"They say that in the Fluu-ounce zone the darkness consumes even the teets of babes. Whether those babes are women or babies the world will never know. Not even sure if this information is reliable, I mean look at me, I'm a duck."
No wait that's a crocodile, THIS is a duck.So majestic.
FlASH--Okay no Seriously back to the Present
The plumber is stopping everyone from drowning by uncloging the sewers. The electrician is fixing the powers lines.
The firefighter is desperately trying to put out the fire that has been lit in everyone's hearts. He will fail. He always fails. You had one job Phil.
Meanwhile the sky has continued to be lit af, it's getting darker, the fight has already lasted 20 parsecs, which is about the amount of time it takes for one sunset to turn into another sunset.
It's been a whole day and they're still at it. If nothing else I can commend their endurance.
Oh yeah, don't forget that duck, he'll be important later.
If I feel like it.
T H E I N F E R N A L C H I L D B E I N G
Suddenly waking up from his Cryoillumination pod, Otto noticed that it was a day after the Battle of Today had begun. He'd heard about the alines on the news, but hadn't believe it. However, after coverage had continued for a whole day it was hard NOT to believe that they were idiots. Those Crusaders were crazy, fighting thin air. I mean, there was a spaceship there, but he hadn't seen anything else present except for the people, and those had been humans...were still humans.
He wondered when Princess Trump would start actually doing xeir job and policing xeir city. Shrugging he rose from his bed and retrieved his slightly mangled INDUSTRIAL ductape throwing cards, putting in their anti-adhesive container, before he headed out of his bunker and into his kitchen. He made eggs and bacohohohon*french accent* before deciding he wanted to go out for brunch instead. He threw the plate onto the ground and it shattered before dissolving into the ether plane where it would stay until it became a temporal rift approximately now.
Otto stepped through the templatoral rift, leaving the remains of his food on the ground for his invisible dog.
It should be noted that Otto's place is covered in food from head to toe, from ceiling to foot, from floor to head. It's a pig's stie, though not quite literally. Or well...I mean, most of it IS bacon, so it's almost literal, but still not quite there. Maybe it'll get there later. We'll see how the universe is feeling at that point.
Otto stepped out the other side of the portal and entered a Mcdonalds, which he hated. He promptly through one of his duct tape cards at someone and then left. This will not be relevant later. So forget it. I'll wait.
I waited long enough. Otto promptly found a Wendy's, which was being unironically served by anime girls wearing human cosplay. It was weird, and oddly arousing. Once he'd finished his doubletap burger and his Jankerstoodle, he went out and glanced around. There was not a single child in sight. There was not a sight to see of child within radius of his eye seers. There wasn't anything to see here boys. Run on home now.
NO, NO WE WILL NOT IMAGINARY SHERIFF, WE'RE HERE TO TELL AND READ THE STORY.
Well alright, sorry Mr, I didn't mean no harm.
*The imaginary sheriff promptly explodes into cotton balls*
Otto has crossed the street by now, having none of our shit despite being able to perceive all of us with the Eyes of Kiddd. He misses his turn and stumbles into a rather attractive person.
Who is she?
Her name is Adult Dora.
Do you feel old yet? Too bad!