Member
RPM
Birdboy
xVampire3go
Antlers
Space Core
X Fiendfyre X
Zeus23
Nightwing95
BurnDaWitch
@The Grey Dust
My quick review/critiques of the story I read.
I obviously don't want to cover every last thing. But I'll give examples and explain as best I can. The * * * separates each point and the red text, is bits from the story itself.
* * *
The most boring critiques are the missing capitalization for many sentences. And the typos like...
“hoping to find the inspiration of his muses with ever breath.” *every
* * *
You love the word 'And' And it should die. You had a ton of sentences that used a comma, and then used and. That's what the comma tends to be for. If you deleted those and's the sentences would have flown better. There's also lot of descriptor words, that could/should be cut. A rule I also occasionally break myself, but if something is obvious it doesn't need the descriptor. Like “Wee” Ant. Ants are tiny already. The mind can process that without any help.
Also you repeated yourself a lot...Repetition every now and then and work for dramatic effect, you certainly we're trying to do just that. But like repeating the same sentences that have the same literary point, over and over again. Doesn't really make the story/narrative stronger.
Like this, two sentences mean the same thing and also start/end with the same phrase.
“Though like all storms it died out, for the way the story was to be structured, the way it was to be told, was to be read first from top to bottom by the reader, until the very last line. Yes, it was the last line which actually implied the story was to be read in reverse, from the bottom line to the paragraph above.”
And though the last part seems to be the meat of the story, it seems loaded down with it. (though likely on purpose, to show the monotony the character experienced.) But it got a bit exhausting to read...
* * *
Also, you loved using metaphors. The story was definitely more like an artsy poem. Not a story that followed a plot, character or having any noticeable structure. Purple prose, often only benefits the writer, getting to flex their muscles. But if the metaphor is messed up, it's far worse than simply a messy sentence that builds character or plot. Because it literally loses the point of being there.
“splintering across the mirrored sky like lightening reversed.” I assume you meant lightning. Because that word means brightening.
“computer screen as the Writer stared at the abyssal grey.” Now that probably should be 'grey abyss'. Because abyssal, actually solely refers to measuring the ocean.
“The thunderous pauses with every tap of the spacebar” That should probably be 'Pauses, with every thunderous tap of the spacebar.' unless the pause itself is somehow loud. And so on, so forth.
* * *
I honestly got lost, I wasn't one hundred percent certain if any of the other parts were apart of the whole story. If the hiders were meant to separate evenly or split off. Because there were four parts.
A. One without a hider.
B. One named something different.
C. Same without a hider.
D. Another hider but with different name.
So I was questioning. Is A and C take place in the same place then B and D separately. Or does A and C occur in the same place, but B and D don't because each hider is under a different name. Etc. If all of it was suppose to mesh into a cohesive story. I ask, how much of the actual story did I even miss if I cut out A-C and just left D?
I didn't seem to have a reason to care about the character seemingly suffering, aside from that it was happening.
So, this comes off probably overly rough. But I can appreciate the interesting idea inside the poetry. I can almost see the movie of this concept playing out in my head, that I can only assume was playing in yours. I feel like this concept could be quite interesting in a short film...but it left me just a little confused.
Everybody's a critic. Grateful for the read, regardless. :3
My quick review/critiques of the story I read.
I obviously don't want to cover every last thing. But I'll give examples and explain as best I can. The * * * separates each point and the red text, is bits from the story itself.
* * *
The most boring critiques are the missing capitalization for many sentences. And the typos like...
“hoping to find the inspiration of his muses with ever breath.” *every
* * *
You love the word 'And' And it should die. You had a ton of sentences that used a comma, and then used and. That's what the comma tends to be for. If you deleted those and's the sentences would have flown better. There's also lot of descriptor words, that could/should be cut. A rule I also occasionally break myself, but if something is obvious it doesn't need the descriptor. Like “Wee” Ant. Ants are tiny already. The mind can process that without any help.
Also you repeated yourself a lot...Repetition every now and then and work for dramatic effect, you certainly we're trying to do just that. But like repeating the same sentences that have the same literary point, over and over again. Doesn't really make the story/narrative stronger.
Like this, two sentences mean the same thing and also start/end with the same phrase.
“Though like all storms it died out, for the way the story was to be structured, the way it was to be told, was to be read first from top to bottom by the reader, until the very last line. Yes, it was the last line which actually implied the story was to be read in reverse, from the bottom line to the paragraph above.”
And though the last part seems to be the meat of the story, it seems loaded down with it. (though likely on purpose, to show the monotony the character experienced.) But it got a bit exhausting to read...
* * *
Also, you loved using metaphors. The story was definitely more like an artsy poem. Not a story that followed a plot, character or having any noticeable structure. Purple prose, often only benefits the writer, getting to flex their muscles. But if the metaphor is messed up, it's far worse than simply a messy sentence that builds character or plot. Because it literally loses the point of being there.
“splintering across the mirrored sky like lightening reversed.” I assume you meant lightning. Because that word means brightening.
“computer screen as the Writer stared at the abyssal grey.” Now that probably should be 'grey abyss'. Because abyssal, actually solely refers to measuring the ocean.
“The thunderous pauses with every tap of the spacebar” That should probably be 'Pauses, with every thunderous tap of the spacebar.' unless the pause itself is somehow loud. And so on, so forth.
* * *
I honestly got lost, I wasn't one hundred percent certain if any of the other parts were apart of the whole story. If the hiders were meant to separate evenly or split off. Because there were four parts.
A. One without a hider.
B. One named something different.
C. Same without a hider.
D. Another hider but with different name.
So I was questioning. Is A and C take place in the same place then B and D separately. Or does A and C occur in the same place, but B and D don't because each hider is under a different name. Etc. If all of it was suppose to mesh into a cohesive story. I ask, how much of the actual story did I even miss if I cut out A-C and just left D?
I didn't seem to have a reason to care about the character seemingly suffering, aside from that it was happening.
So, this comes off probably overly rough. But I can appreciate the interesting idea inside the poetry. I can almost see the movie of this concept playing out in my head, that I can only assume was playing in yours. I feel like this concept could be quite interesting in a short film...but it left me just a little confused.
Everybody's a critic. Grateful for the read, regardless. :3