I will be using the idea that RomanAria brought concerning the six points of writing, with my own interpretation.
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Ideas: Themes and the like. Supporting details. Did they paint a picture in my mind?
Organization: Did your story flow well? it's less concrete here than it is in English class, obviously, but, the main question is: Were the ideas enhanced or inhibited by the organization of the story?
Voice: Was the narration of your story consistent? Did it seem realistic, or like a robot talking in monotone?
Word Choice: How did your words enhance the story? Did they help to paint a picture in my head?
Sentence Fluency: Self-explanatory. Did your story or poem flow well?
Conventions: This one is a biggie. I find grammatical errors, when not used for effect, to absolutely irritate me."
Terms and Conditions: I tend to speak(write) very abrasively, I say what I mean and mean what I say. This however, does not convey any intentions to be offensive, or deter anyone from writing ever again. Additionally, these are just my personal views, and not everybody will agree with me. Not to be hypocritical, but there are a lot of reviews to write entries for; my writing may not be up to my own standards. I do not give the most constructive feedback, as these are just my personal opinions. However, by pointing out opinionated flaws that I see, I hope so somehow help you to help yourself. Finally, I can be pretty harsh, continue no further unless you have thick skin.
Theme: I believe you hit the theme on point, very up to par with your choice of song.
Organization: I did not notice any formal poetic structure, so I'm inclined to classify this as a free verse, and I need not critique that.
Voice: The poetic voice here does not spark any strong emotion in myself, yet there are some tender emotions conveyed through the manner in which they have been written. Soft hearted, yes; powerful, no.
Word Choice The simplicity of the words used in the poem is very appropriate to me; You never want to use words that make us think too hard on their actual meaning, and distract us from the poem.
Sentence Fluency: I read this more as a song, than a poem, but that's probably just my issue with free verse. I like rhymes. However, I find it quite good, and I am able to flow from beginning to end quite nicely.
Conventions: Here is where I am having my biggest problems. Everytime I notice something like a misplaced comma, the wrong use of "your", or oddities such as "..an make you smile, everyday for you.." I find myself stopping, which breaks the fluidity of the poem.
Overall: I'm not the biggest poetry buff, but I felt this was rather good and free of too many errors. Could use a bit of mechanical improvement.
Theme: Compared to the song the underlying tones of sadness, and a few things used directly from the lyrics, were appropriate. However, the "lover waiting for the soldier," is a heavily repeated theme, and I don't feel any uniqueness about the story. The end, was very predictable.
Organization: The narrative kinds of jumps all over the place, as if you are just trying really hard to fill the page rather than bring it into focus. We jump from memories, to the present world, and back and forth. It kind of felt like a stone skipping across the water, and every time it landed there would be something new.
Voice: If you were going for helplessly love struck then you nailed it. I do feel some areas are a tad lacking, but for the most part, I found the character's narrative to be quite good.
Word Choice The very first sentence I read uses shone, which doesn't seem proper to me. Taking a narrative, I feel, should use present tense. Especially coupled with other present tense words in the same narrative, like gleaming. It makes it sounds as if the moon had shone upon the clouds, and the stars for some reason were just now beginning to shine. If the latter is the case, why? The second paragraph also brings up the moon, and clouds; because these use present tense they are separated from the past tense of her daydream. Unless that was intended, which leads me to wonder why they had to be brought up again?
There are also some missing words, "..At first draft had been two years..." What? "It gets a bit colder, and I shiver." What does? The weather, the chair, a breeze; I thought it was a balmy summer night. In fact, it is restated that this is indeed, a balmy night.
Using "Finally" after listing off the "Traces of Alfie" concludes that there are no other traces of Alfie in the home. You used "Alfie" 24 times, I feel using "him" more than twice would have been aptly appropriate.
Sentence Fluency: The story switches from past tense to present tense rather often, and even in the same sentence. This kind of ruined the fluidity for me. Personally, I feel some things didn't need describing. Like the sunflowers at the noon hour; that's painting a single image in my mind with absolutely nothing to back it up.
There are also multitudes of vague details, which I would have very much liked to have had expanded. What does Alfie look like, he's just hair, eyes, and then what? Pretty dress, But what does the main character look like? Is she 12, 20, or 96? What War? Is this the narrative of an old woman? a young, crossdressing male? The female is intended, but being pro LGBT I feel a lack of identifiers.
Why does she need a blanket for warmth? I thought it was balmy? "..swallowed up by shadows.." implies a heavy darkness; The very next sentence it's almost dawn. Also, is there a difference between almost dawn, and almost morning? Almost morning, but the next sentence she whispers to the smiling sun, so then it is morning?
Conventions: A missing comma here or there, overuse of commas creating a few run-on sentences, and I think I saw an inappropriate semicolon at one point. However, it's not so bad as to actually distract from the story itself.
Overall: I feel there was a lot that could be improved on this piece, so to me it's a good idea, just inadequately executed.
Theme: Overall, I liked the idea of it, very fitting for the song chosen.
Organization: Here, also, I find lacking. There's no pacing. That being said, the lead was enough to grab my interest, and the conclusion was fitting.
Voice: From what's given, It's very hard to determine the personality of the character, or even the gender.
Word Choice The descriptions, albeit few, were pleasant, and short. As for the rest of it, there are many areas that are hugely lacking. I have no real idea on how anything looks, or what the mood is. Why did the character get kicked out?
Sentence Fluency: The entire piece feels choppy, and rushed. This is due mostly to the enormous lack of details and descriptions.
Conventions: There are end quotations behind the period in one of the later sentences. There are also a lack of commas that would really help sentence fluidity. Finally, the use of apostrophes are incorrect to isolate a word, as far as I am concerned. I feel quotations would have been better suited.
Overall: I feel it heavily lacking on some elements, which kept me from fully enjoying this piece.
Theme:Just so you are aware, I am a fan of Periphery. However, I will not do you the injustice of a parallel comparison to your song choice; the theme you have is appropriate, if lacking the same kind of emotional depth.
Organization: Structurally, this is free verse, and I cannot critique that. However, I do not feel there is a definite focus here.
Voice: This feels like one of those "exaggerated passion" poetic pieces. However, the narration does convey the feeling of being cynical, poetically aggressive, and "doom prophet." It could have definitely been better, but it has the right vibes.
Word Choice There were a lot of other words that could have been used here. Personally, I feel that the word choices blurs the image that you are trying to create. Honestly, I found some lines downright confusing, much too vague, or thematically misplaced.
Sentence Fluency: For the life of me, I could not get a good rhythm down. This feels like one of those free verses where the narrator is in all black, reading to the beat of a hand drum. I even tried it in song form, but I could not get a good flow down.
Conventions: For the most part, no mechanical errors jumped out at me. The way you use some things is, odd, but not wrong, or even bad in most cases.
Overall: As stated, I am not the biggest poetry buff. However, despite what I've said I did not feel it was all that bad. A little odd, and a little confusing. But not bad.
Theme: The theme is actually quite brilliantly done with your song choice. It is the exact opposite of the song itself; yet it is the same if you think about it in regards that Eric's perfect day is with heroin. Well played, well played.
Organization: The structure of the piece is well done, I feel there is room for a couple of extra explanatory paragraphs though.
Voice: The character's voice is well done, I definitely get the feelings of desperation and addiction from him.
Word Choice "..cracked alike the needle.." The word here should be "like". "Things had been so bad recently that this seemed like the option, but then again had they been?" A missing comma, but more importantly I believe the word "only" is missing.
I would have liked a little expansion on the process of him getting clean, as it is quite an important step in the story to me.
Also a better description on his suicide attempt would make the piece stronger, and provide more emotional depth and attachment.
Sentence Fluency: I had no trouble reading this, other than stopping to take notes on a few points here and there. All around it flowed well, and did not distract from the main purpose of the piece.
Conventions: Could use a few commas, especially before conjunctions.
Semicolons should be used to link to separate thoughts that relate to each other to avoid overuse of commas. Example: "He was healthy in the picture, muscular; his ex-girlfriend was side by side with him(,) kissing him as they stood in front of their newly built and bought house. Breakdown: Principle, description of principle; relating to first principle, description of related principle. I also added the missing comma, highlighted in red.
Overall: Overall, I can relate to this piece on an extremely personal level. I had a close family member who had addictions, and I must say you are pretty spot on with your story telling and description. I've enjoyed this piece the most so far, but I do have many to go.
I will not be reviewing this, and honestly I am surprised to find such a piece on here. I understand this is "Inspired by a Song", however, this is practically plagiarism. It almost follows the song step for step, with some minor additions, changes, and rearrangements. In fact, I was able to listen to the song, while reading your piece. That's how close they are.
Honestly, I am severly disappointed by this submission.
Theme: You took the theme of two lovers and gave it an LGBT theme, which is awesome. Go you.
Organization: As it is free verse, I cannot quite rightly critique the structure, but from beginning to end it is ordered well.
Voice: The voice is powerful, and conveys to me the feelings of justice for those inclined to same gender love. I also get the vibe of disgust at the implied audience, but also the desire to defend their actions. The voice was very well done.
Word Choice Honestly, I felt the words used here were very appropriate. I actually cannot come up with any better usages, so I applaud you.
Sentence Fluency: The rhythm was a bit off, when played along side the song. When trying to match the rhythm of a song, keeping the same pattern of syllables is a task. That being said, when "Imagining" the music, while reading this, my mind adapted it into a decent flow.
Conventions: I understand it is poetry, but there is a lot of missing punctuation.
Overall: I definitely enjoyed this poem the best so far. I did this session twice, to ensure that I was not being biased as I am pro LGBT. If it feels like a biased opinion then I apologize, I did my best to avoid such.
Theme: I do enjoy myself some Coldplay, and the idea of this piece is quite good. However, you leave a lot of questions unanswered and there are a lot of vague, or missing, details.
Organization: Your lead sentence is never explain, why is it so odd for the night to be clear? Your concluding cameo though, was a nice bit.
Voice: The voice is one of the things I did enjoy about this piece. Even though it's told through a narrative, her manner of speech and the way she acts seem quite appropriate for her age. The reassuring father was also well portrayed.
Word Choice The biggest problem I have with this piece, is that I have absolutely no idea what anybody looks like. The setting and the mood are almost non-existent, other than a balcony and an odd clear sky full of stars.
" One… two… three! She grabbed her notebook, and flipped to a grid page." Why is she counting?
It is not clarified who "pops" refers to. I assumed this was her childish way of addressing her father, until she actually says "Dad". I am unaware if "Pops" is a grandfather, a nickname, or her second father?
Alright so Tategami is Pops? I still don't know who exactly this person is in relation to the main character, which is unfortunate because this Tategami seems like a driving force in the story.
Misplaced, or missing, word(s), "..with a smile and come hot cocoa." He watches her "expressions" but the related description to that principle gives detail to only one.
Sentence Fluency: The fluency of the piece was wonderful, there were no skips, hops, or jumps around the narrative. I felt it flowed easily.
Conventions: Immediately I notice the misplaced hyphen. Hyphens are used to glue two words together, not convey a related thought to the state principle. Example: "She had bigger fish to fry - so to speak." If you put spaces around a hyphen, it's grammatically incorrect already. Using a comma or a period is far more appropriate. This happens again, "..her expressions - a bit confused at her sad-ish look." A dash on the other hand, is commonly used to put emphasis on a certain phrase. Such as "I pay all of the bills—She has all the fun."
A dash is created by using alt+0151 (numeric keys on the right hand side). Hyphen, "-". Dash, "—" A minute difference yes, but to avoid the complicated nature of making a dash, a double hyphen is often used in place of a dash.
Additionally "ish" is used to form an adjectives, were "sad" is already an adjective. However, "ish" is used without the hyphen, and typically acts as a suffix to a noun to imply the qualities, or characteristics of. Things like "apish", "Girlish", And so forth.
A handful missing capitalization and commas. Periods misplaced, a comma would have been better suited. Some Missing Punctuation altogether.
Overall: A good idea, but I feel it was heavily lacking some much needed detail.
Theme: Well done, the song and the poem fit very well together.
Organization: Almost thought it was a haiku, almost. Marking this as free verse.
Voice: The voice here feels a bit mentally unstable, hiding behind a facade, trying to cast away the pain of being himself.
Word Choice The rhyme scheme was refreshing, and I all of the words feel quite appropriate.
Sentence Fluency: The syllable scheme makes the poem flow quite nicely, almost as if it weren't a free verse.
Conventions: Since you did not use any punctuation at the end of the stanzas, it's not needed. The use of commas in the middle of a line however, adds a decent effect of dramatic pause.
Overall: Very much enjoyed this poem. Well done.
Theme: I have trouble believing he joined as a medic to "deal justice" and "attain glory"; was medic his only way in? I also have trouble believing that it took only a few questions for the rebels to trust one of their enemies; at least not without further explanation. As I am reading I notice one of the gates is secured by a "simple lock mechanism" which to me screams trap, I thought this was a highly secured base? However, the general theme of piece is quite fitting.
Organization: Your lead in was adequate, but your conclusion was highly effective. The sequencing is a little difficult to follow, as italics don't make a substantial difference from normal text; but once I got the hang of it I didn't really get hung up on it anymore. I also feel it was paced pretty well, not too fast, not too slow.
Voice: The narrative, well, felt that way. It was a little bland at points. However, the dialogue was well done, however sparse. The flashbacks were probably the parts I enjoyed the most, and the conclusion. I feel these were the focus of your story, rather than the infiltration itself.
Word Choice Some missing words; "..other jobs in the rebellion that need done." Saying "The base was bigger" refers to a specific base, you should have put "This" to infer that it was unlike other bases Max had been to.
I would have like to see some extra information. How did he find out about these dark secrets? How did he manage to escape? Why does he dislike Harrison? You also mention "Ashe" before explaining who he is, or what his significance is.
When you use pronouns, they reference the last identifier used, in this case, Ashe. Example: "He (referencing Max) disliked Harrison, the communicator for this mission. So had Ashe. But he (referencing Ashe) would have to deal with it." This is problematic and confusing for the story.
"The gate was unlocked" ... so.. did they unlock it?.. or was it open? How did they know where the captives were? Also, technically, you never told us if the alarm had actually gone off or not, only that it "would be". Harrison can track their movement in such a secure base? How is this done.
Sentence Fluency: It does jump back and forth a lot between present and past, but that's the intention of the piece, so well done. It doesn't feel choppy, or rushed, and the story is conveyed well for the most part.
Conventions: More commas to link similar principles together. Use the three dots "..." for dramatic pause in place of a common, otherwise it's word repetition. IE: "He had been running... running from the force he had once been a part of."
Overall: I actually enjoyed the romance side of this story, and the conclusion. The other areas were a bit lacking in my humble opinion. Overall, not bad.
Theme: From what I gather, very fitting.
Organization: You broke your lead in sentence with a period, when you should have used a comma to keep the integrity of that particular thought.
Voice: Superb.
Word Choice I already see that some semicolons could have been put to good use here. Stated Principle, follow up; related to principle, follow up. Example: "But sometimes, actually, a lot of the time as well; I get so caught up with how tough my life is, that I forget about the fact that life is tough for all of us."
Normally I'd want to see some details on certain things, like what exactly is her food salary, where does it come from? However, I feel this would distract from the main principle of that particular section.
Minor error: You use "a young women" instead of "woman".
Sentence Fluency:There are a lot of run-on sentences, which could be fixed with periods or semicolons.
Conventions: A few things here and there, but really well done.
Overall: This piece really spoke to me. There's a strong emotional connection that you make, and personally, I can relate to the character strongly. Fantastically done.
Theme: Very good.
Organization: The lead in was a bit slow, but I did like the conclusion. The end wasn't really powerful, or dramatic, but it did leave off on a triumphant note. (She seems to take the whole time traveling, parallel dimension paradox thing very well though~Hm.)
Voice: The voice was powerful, and very well done.
Word Choice "Roared" already implies loudness, so "aloud" is redundant. "I had become used to simple allowing things to.." doesn't make any sense, I feel there are some missing words? "But now... as my best years had ended," Also doesn't fit well. "As my" implies the thing is current, "ended" implies that it has past already. Something more appropriate would have been "But now... as my best years came to an end" or even just taking out "had" would have made it fit better.
"I tightened her fists" probably should have been "my fists" as "her" refers to the girl in the picture. "Way more energetic than I were" the last word there would fit better as "was". You also state that the character opens her eyes wide in surprise, but never mention beforehand that they were closed, rather, she was already wide eyed. Perhaps you meant to say "I opened my eyes wider, surprised.." and so forth.
Sentence Fluency: Flowed very well.
Conventions: Mechanical correctness of the piece seems pretty well, nothing really jumped out at me.
Overall: Fairly enjoyed this piece. Well done.
Theme: The theme shares much likeness with the song, not very original, but fitting.
Organization: Your lead in wasn't very strong, but as I finished the first paragraph you had my intention. The conclusion also was lacking, but it wasn't awful. Your sequencing seemed fine however, I had no problems keeping up with the timeline of events.
Voice: You quote the song so heavily that none of your characters really have a personality, no voice, just lyrics. That being said I get the general "protagonist" and "antagonist" vibes, albeit generic, they were present.
Word Choice Could have been much better, personally. While using the songs lyrics is not a bad thing, overuse of them really kills the story. However, your descriptive words and such seemed consistent and on par.
Sentence Fluency: The pace was rushed, and the dialogue was choppy. The latter, again, is due to heavy use of song lyrics.
Conventions: Some misused punctuation, but for the most part not bad.
Overall: I idea of this story is good, but the execution could have been so much better. Slow it down, give more life to it, and double check your work. To be completely honest, I did not enjoy this piece.
Theme: Abstract, but fitting.
Organization: Can't critique a freeverse. (I mean I could... but... you know.)
Voice:Good poetic voice.
Word Choice Feels similar to song lyrics, but poetically, the word usage is well done.
Sentence Fluency: Flows well, I didn't listen to it with the music.
Conventions: Minor thing here, some missing punctuation on a few of the stanzas. "All or none" kinda deal; some of them end in periods, some of them skip punctuation all together.
Overall: Short, but good. I enjoyed it, but it would have been nice to read a little more of your poetry.
Theme: Dark. I like that. However, not that I am one to judge your inspiration, but for the life of me I cannot link any theme between "Rondo Alla Turca" By Mozart and this poem. It seems better fitted to something like "Royals" by Lorde. That being said, your inspiration, is your inspiration; I just don't feel it.
Organization: Following the theme of free verse, yet, it could have used some line breaks.
Voice: The voice was very well done, and I applaud that.
Word Choice Consistent, not too simple, very good.
Sentence Fluency: Flowed well for me, I didn't have trouble "getting all poetic with it" so to speak.
Conventions: Some missing commas as far as I remember. Not a big deal, but, "All or none". Commas should be used for line breaks that aren't periods.
Overall: Overall it is a beautifully written piece, and I fairly enjoyed it.
Anyways, I'm going to launch a basic search system tonight. I'd just like to prime yall and say it has kind of a shitty user experience right now. 95% of my time was spent on the technical implementation. Search is pretty hard.
Search Function: Beta Version - Spam
Go for launch captain
Also, it's good to hear that you are lurking, regardless of what nonsense we are droning on about. Endlessly, in circles. I hope it never comes to the point where we need paid subscribers. Although I do not fear the rising of the ad bots. Their kind are not tolerated 'round these parts.
Speaking of money for the site and ads, could there eventually be a subscription enabling people to turn off ads? Also, I've seen sites where they have fake posts when not logged in that contain ads. Could that be utilised as well?
I truly hate both of these ideas. Donations, maybe, but I don't recall Mahz entertaining the idea, even when brought up.
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