BrokenPromise

How to get interest in your interest checks?

@NuttsnBolts is correct, I highly encourage you to look at other people's interest checks and first OOC posts to see what draws people in. good formatting and good aesthetics are a winning combination.

Another thing that really helped me out for my Danganronpa RP is that I scouted people before I even put up my interest check. I looked for people with Danganronpa characters in their avatars and struck up conversations with them over PM. Not only did I get to know some very friendly, loyal roleplayers, I was able to get feedback on my interest check before releasing it to the public. There's also strength in numbers. Sometimes all that's required to get people to join an RP is a few people showing interest. People don't want to wait weeks for an RP to start, so the more people who show interest day one, the better. Timing is also important. I unveiled my RP a week before Danganronpa V3 released in Japan, and westerners wanted a way to participate in the action. With things stacked so heavily in my favor, I got ten players in twenty-four hours.

You might not be doing a fandom RP, but look at movie/game releases and see what everyone's excited for. You might have to tweak your interest check or idea so that it's more appealing to people. Even though this is your RP, it's something you're going to be writing with a few different people.

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@shylarah I am aware of what a waif is. Given what I knew about Eddy, it felt rude and a little out of place calling her that. It made more sense to me that you simply typoed wait, since the F and T keys are so close together. But seeing as @SleepingSilence made the same "mistake" I did, maybe that wasn't the right word to use. A quick little entry about how that's an endearing nickname for her would have cleared that up. I can only give advice based on what you write.

Danganronpa: Tower of Carnage (Finished!)

I'm going to post after Melo/Aewin do, but I might need some of your help.

@ThatCharacter Calvin's still rushing Willow, correct?

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

So yea, I got done writing all of my reviews. Without further ado...

We don't say goodbye

How you guys “pass the baton” to each other is a little shaky. To give you an example of what I'm talking about, look at this paragraph in the breakfast part of the story.

Noah began to crack up in hysterics, he was sure that his thoughts were obvious to no one. To him, Jeremy had a funny view on things about God’s data, and a great joke has come to mind: “Don’t you know God ignores most of his prayers?” He snorted and took a second to calm down. “No, Heaven’s Library would be perfect for you,” Noah said, sipping some coffee. There was always a pro and con to seeing the future. The pro was seeing shitty people finally get theirs. The con was seeing things happen to people you love and care about. He knew Jeremy was going to die before Jeremy was dying. Today was going to be his big send off. His big day. He spent a year on this project, no project wasn’t the right word. A year making sure Jeremy had at least one person close to him.

One person who cared how he left this Earth. Noah wanted Jeremy to have something to cherish.

Jeremy couldn’t help but chuckle at Noah’s crack about prayers, but in turn settled down and sipped his own drink, observing Noah briefly in the silence that followed.

Paragraph 4, breakfast

The purple segment is an entirely different idea that doesn't really lead into Jeremy laughing very well. It's a nice paragraph, but it would be less intrusive if it was added at the end of the scene instead of forced between Noah's joke and Jeremy's reaction.

There are also a few sentences that could be reworded. Like...

Kicking his legs a little underneath the table, restless sitting usually he continued to drink his coffee.

Last Paragraph, Breakfast

It feels like part of the sentence is missing. Even so, I would suggest putting the two different ideas in two different sentences.

It had always been a favourite pastime of Jeremy’s, and though Noah had suggested it was a bit boring for a final day, Jeremy had wanted to play one last game.

First Paragraph, Golf

This should also be two different sentences. One describing golf being one of Jeremy's pastimes, and another detailing Noah's disinterest in the sport.

Those types of odd sentence structures are peppered throughout the story. Be careful about overburdening a sentence in the future.

As for the story itself, I liked Noah's character. I felt like I got to learn a fair bit about him, and some of his jokes were funny. Jeremy never really evolved past being a dying friend, but he was an alright contrast to Noah's character. He was different enough, but not so different that you couldn't see them as being friends. It was an interesting idea to split up the story like a bucket list, but each segment was the same aside from a few interactions. They laugh, they talk about some aspect of their childhood, and then the reader is reminded that Jeremy is going to die. It does start to get a bit redundant. I probably could have used some more details about Jeremy's life, or even how these two great friends came together.

A Primal Promise

The story opens up with this.

The Academy grounds, located atop a man made mountain cultivated by those born capable of controlling the world around them, spread out before him as Kano took his rest at the top floor of the main tower.

First paragraph, First sentence

You could build a paragraph out of what's trying to be expressed here. It tries to say a lot but doesn't really say anything. Is it the mountain or the academy grounds that are spread out before Kano? How is the world being controlled? Are they like, politicians or are they more like mages? Nearly everything here is explained in better detail later on. This would have been a lot stronger if it was just Kano looking out.

But this isn't the only spot where one sentence tries to do too much.

At the midnight hour only Kano, founder and Headmaster of the Academy, was out of sync. A purpose or sense of direction influenced a person’s ability to make difficult choices or decisions. So it always was that with the school grounds quiet his soul grew restless and forlorn.

Second paragraph

Again, we're shoehorning information that is explained better later in the story.

Another problem with the story is that it uses too many words to describe an action. While it's prevalent in the above quote, look at the below sentence.

Thousands of string-thin strands of water danced through the skies at his command as they raced to his outstretched hands held to the sky.

Third paragraph, Forth sentence

The dictionary definition for a strand is “a single thin length of something such as thread, fiber, or wire, especially as twisted together with others. ” You do not need to describe a strand as being string-thin, as a strand is that by nature. Dancing is also a sort of graceful action, while racing is fast and direct. The water danced or it raced, it can't do both. Not at the same time anyway. Because you described Kano “pulling” the water, it probably isn't necessary to mention where his hand currently is. Have some faith in your readers, and leave the obvious details to their imaginations. Your word count will thank you.

And then there are some sentences that seem to be entirely missing punctuation.

Balling his hand to a fist the rose shattered into countless shards of harmless flakes to be carried off on the wind.

Fifth paragraph, Last sentence

Though I'd recommend tuning it into a few sentences, same with this next part.

Landing with a shade less grace than usual, he gathered up his drinking duffel, stowed his glass inside and set off in the direction of the Academy’s main building.

Seventh paragraph, Last sentence

There are a lot of overworked sentences that would be more interesting if they weren't trying to do so much.

There's also some ordering of information. It isn't clearly stated until much later in the story that Jorden is “Manilow” and the gym teacher. Hisui is also hastily introduced after she says something. But because she's a new character, her dialog is read as if it is one of the other characters speaking. Then she disappears as Jordan and Kano talk with one another. I'm not sure why she was included in the story, nor do I know why she was hanging out with the head master and gym teacher at such a late hour. Perhaps she was trying to...improve her grades?

Lewd.

The story is just two characters talking about themselves. It gets the job done, but it's not the most interesting way to learn about the characters. Some similarities can be seen between Kano and Jorden, as well as their differences. But two characters exchanging details about each other is a weak build up to the dark promise itself.

The inquisitor's chains

The biggest reoccurring flaw in how the story is written is run-on sentences. Here are a few.

It was an empty title, now that he was no longer in any kind of military command, but these guys had been in his unit, back in the Freelands.

Part Four, Second paragraph

This is a simple fix. Just replace the second comma with a period and remove the but. Or you could use a semicolon if you're feeling fancy.

He hadn't brought his cutlass, as much because he didn't want to arouse early suspicion by bringing a weapon to the dungeons as it was because he didn't think he could seriously use it against any of the rebels.

Part Four, Third paragraph

There's just too much information here. Try reading this out loud.

It was odd for Amuné to be the one uncertain what someone else meant by what they said, instead of being the frustratingly vague one.

Part Five, First paragraph

Another information overload. This could be two or even three different sentences.

Everything else was more or less in order There was a part where “difference” was spelled “different”, and “waif” instead of “wait.” but nothing really pressing that I could see.

The story itself probably would have been a lot more interesting if I could see the rest of the story you cut this from. There's a rebellion, a king they oppose, but I guess they're working for the king now? Yet the imperials don't trust an inquisitor that was on the rebellion’s side even though the rebellion works for the king now? And now the former rebellion members don't like the former-probably-again-an-inquisitor because a spy was caught? And there's a lot of names being thrown around, an old elf, a body possessing sword who's only use is to control someone who would have wanted to help them anyway? And “Eddy” suffered for six months and it was really bad or something?

There are far too many things going on in this contrived tale. Too many things not fully explained, and not enough emphisis on the characters themselves. I didn't really care about any of them. This story would have fared a bit better if it didn't try to branch out in so many directions. Maybe just focus one one point of view character and parts of the world that are important to the story. With a 7K word limit, you can't really squander your words talking about a body controlling sword that contributes nothing to the plot, as an example.

My Vote

While “The Inquisitor's Chains” Is the best written. My vote goes to “We Don't Say Goodbye.” I found their story and use of the prompt superior to the other entries.

Lunacy of Love: A CYOA Magical Girl Roleplay [Completed]

There was a lot going on, but most of the magical girls more or less did as Amber requested, which was a pleasant suprise. The only time she had really been in command of more people than this was when she was still a hardware store manager. Their goal was a bit different, but how she led remained unchanged. The goal of anyone in a leadership position is to complete an objective. The best way to do that was to give tasks to people who could complete them, and give them as much freedom as possible. This often increased job satisfaction and let a manager see what an employee was capable of on their own.

As soon as Sue and Eli returned with the winged magical girl, Amber gave them new orders. “Sue! Take control of the main gun.”

“Right!” Sue turned unto a bird and flew off. While earth bastion did have rows and rows of guns on the side of the ship, they each needed magical girls to use them. And because Amber wasn't drowning in magical girls, it didn't seem wise to use the guns. Especially with how spread out and evasive the enemy was. However, Earth bastion was more tank than ship, and it had a large cannon on top that could be aimed in all directions. With Sue's limited combat abilities, it made the most sense to have her operate the turret.

“Eli, um.” Amber sighed. With so many cameras around earth Bastion, she wasn't oblivious to Penny or Shade's predicament. They would need to be rescued. “How about you assist Helga? And Mariette, see if you can put a portal near those tongues. They might be more vulnerable.” Amber braced herself as one of the gorelions slammed into the side of the ship. “Everyone else, prepare for turbulent seas!” Amber steered earth bastion towards the two downed gorelions to the north. With the creatures laying on their sides, she was confident she could roll right over their bodies. With any luck, they'd get chewed up under the tank's treads before Shade became gorelion lunch. Amber steered to the west to prepare for this manuver. Both to make sure she didn't run over shade, but also to attempt harming the gorelion that rammed the ship.

Sue changed back into a human, as it was the only way she was going to operate the main cannon. Now in human form, she lowered herself into the gunner's seat and closed the hatch overhead. A gorelion had already jumped onto the ship, and she was struggling to figure out how to aim the device. She was busy trying to recruit magical girls, so this was Sue's first time trying to use the cannon. Fortunately, it was a simple joystick control. There were a ton of other buttons, and Sue didn't know what they were for. But she was quite confident the big red button on top of the joystick was used to fire the cannon. So for now, she was set. “Alright...” Sue angled the cannon so that it was pointing directly at the gorelion's face. “Get away from her you hussy! And with that, she slammed her thumb on the big red button and... nothing happened. She would click it several more times, but Sue was unaware that the cannon had to be loaded before it could fire. At least for the moment.

Tonya “Mac” Murphy

Age: 24/11 | Gender: Female/Female | Illusion, Gravity
Body | Power of Friendship, Regeneration | Moirai
Wings, Soul Jar, Martial Training, Familiar, Environmental Sealing, Gifted, Awareness, Mystic Artifact

Magical Overload, Paragon, Blessing, Gifted Item | Monster Form, Big Brother, Arrogance, Vendetta
Redirected Magic, Second Specialization | Non-Standard Limbs, Destroyer

STR: 05 | AGI: 04 | VIT: 05 | MAG: 03 | LCK: 03

STR: 12 | AGI: 08 | VIT: 10 | MAG: 16 | LCK: 05

Earnings this post:

Total: 0 Gold, 38 Silver, 41 Bronze

Sue's cannon hadn't been loaded before the battle for a very specific reason, however.

Tonya was able to use her gravity magic to disarm the turret, knowing that it wouldn't be used until it was time to save Libby-Bibby or whatever, who was secretly an enemy spy. It baffled Tonya how Eli and Sue recruited a plant when they had a list of magical girls to go after that were not, you know, horrible people. But it was whatever at this point.

If Amber could just keep the ship upright, that would be wonderful.

Danganronpa Alternate: Apologies to Hope

“Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.” Davis said, clearly unamused with Alex's introduction. “Seth Ryder though, that name sounds familiar.” He placed a hand on his chin. “I know most of the ultimates, I commit them to memory. There's no doubt about it, you're one of them...” He sighed. “Unless your talent is just not that interesting?” After staring at Alex for a bit, Davis folded his arms and smiled. He had given up on Lilly taking his hand. “Anyway, my name is definitely one you'll want to tattoo to your memory, if you haven't already. I mean, I'm a little embarrassed I have to introduce myself.” He pointed at himself with his thumb. “Davis Gallo, ultimate conquest. That's right! My talent is winning. The most important talent one could possess.” he sneered.

Kara, the cute girl, was looking at Neola in a most curious way. That wide eyed, open mouth look was often used to display shock. But people experience shock like that for many different reasons. Men look at both ugly and pretty woman in shock. People can be shocked by a gentle kiss, or a painful punch. Something can be shockingly bad, or shockingly good. Without knowing Kara's character better, it was impossible for Neola to really understand why she was making that face. Maybe she... oh, she's looked away. Well, this wasn't the time to get discouraged though. If Davis got away with patting Kara's head, maybe she could do it too. No, maybe if she played her cards right, it would be Kara patting Neola's head! Wouldn't that be special? That seemed more realistic anyway. She couldn't see Sayaka flat out patting Kara's head just because she wanted to. The dynamics for head pats were actually quite complex, but Neola felt it would be best to not spend too much time going over them in her head.

And there it was! A moment! Kara just apologized to Alex. And she even mentioned the accusation. This was Neola's chance to join the conversation. ”Yea!” Neola walked up beside Kara, but kept her eyes on Alex. Well, she tried anyway. Kara was too cute to not occasionally glance at. ”I should apologize as well. I hope you won't hold anything against us.” she giggled.

Danganronpa: Tower of Carnage (Finished!)

All of the collabs are out.

You may now post as normal.

Danganronpa: Tower of Carnage (Finished!)

”Hmm...” Willow looked down the path to the second floor patient's quarters. ”No, I didn't come here to chase peasants. Even if they have...alluring lute playing skills. I came here to protect my sister.” with a snap of her fingers, her horse returned to her side. ”But now that I don't have a cannon, what can I hold in my other hand?” Willow felt around her horse until she found her scepter.”Haha! I'm all set!” She jumped onto her horse. ”Let's wage war, the queen is here!” And with that, Willow went running towards her sister.

The support team is scattered after a harrowing ambush. Nothing went right for the distraction teams. The attack team can just barely contend with Nariko. The rescue recovery team exchanged a life for Krista's safety. Mary stood at the foot of the the patient's quarter's stairwell, the fire from Faith's Molotov still burning. Bliss and Mercy took care of Ellie, who passed out from all the excitement. Ice, Jezevel, and Faith followed after Calvin, Aleecia, and Alexandria. Soon they would join Alice, Max, Zachary, and Noel in their battle against Nariko. But Monika and Willow are not far behind. Felix limped back to his room, trusting that Justiciar would help, wherever they are. Cyrus is carrying Rika's dying body, and a wounded Krista limps behind them. Monokuma, Julia, Napoleon, and Geina lay in ruin, but it will only be a matter of time before they return to the game. Adar remained unseen, and Daimyon waited in the second floor locker rooms, betting that his lute could fell the pursuing queen Willow. But it's a danger that will never arrive.

Things are coming to a head, it's the final push to destroy Nariko's carnage class chassis. The infinites have received their reinforcements, and so have the carnage sisters. It's a heated battle, and neither side will accept anything less than victory. But what will they sacrifice to obtain conquest?

Lunacy of Love: A CYOA Magical Girl Roleplay [Completed]

Amber just got done driving away from police officers. Before she had the chance to wipe the sleep out of her eyes, these things showed up. Amber didn't even need to use the auxiliary camera system. The giant creatures were visible on the main screen at the front of the bridge. “Well blow me down.”

“I guess...” Sue groaned. “It would have been too much to ask for a safe trip through the underworld. I-I mean over city!”

“Same difference.” Amber steeled herself before adjusting the mic again. With a nervous chuckle, she started talking to everyone through the com system. “Alright landlubbers, We can't get scared now. Whatever's waiting for us at Justine's castle is sure to be ten times worse than this. And I know we can beat it, so try not to freak out. Follow your captain's orders, and we'll survive.” Amber's eyes glanced over all of her screens. For some reason, she was grinning. “Mariette, open a portal to that winged magical girl by the city. We're going to deploy Eli and Sue so that they can explain the situation and maybe get us some back up. But we don't know what the situation over there is like, so make sure they can return if things get hairy.” Amber didn't have a ton of time to give orders with the creatures barring down on them. But she did her best to sound confident in her plan. “Alexander, protect everyone topside. Those of you with ranged weapons or powerful magic, Focus them down one at a time. Try to spread out a bit so that they can't take you out all at once. Those of you who aren't gifted with artillery or ranged weaponry, stand by Mariette. I'm confident she can use her portals to let you attack the creatures without even leaving the ship.” There was no time for quips about the portal witch, Amber needed to be as concise as possible. Amber adjusted her grip on the steering levers. “I'm going to be taking evasive action, should they start firing on us or try to board. So be ready for that.” Amber was determined to make the ride as smooth as possible, as to avoid throwing everyone overboard.

"be careful Amber. I don't know what those things are capable of, but they have the same magical signatures as the bloodicorns we fought earlier." Sue had flown outside and landed next to Eli, ready to use any portal that appeared before her. “Alright, ready when you guys are.”

Tonya “Mac” Murphy

Age: 24/11 | Gender: Female/Female | Illusion, Gravity
Body | Power of Friendship, Regeneration | Moirai
Wings, Soul Jar, Martial Training, Familiar, Environmental Sealing, Gifted, Awareness, Mystic Artifact

Magical Overload, Paragon, Blessing, Gifted Item | Monster Form, Big Brother, Arrogance, Vendetta
Redirected Magic, Second Specialization | Non-Standard Limbs, Destroyer

STR: 05 | AGI: 04 | VIT: 05 | MAG: 03 | LCK: 03

STR: 12 | AGI: 08 | VIT: 10 | MAG: 16 | LCK: 05

Earnings this post:

Total: 0 Gold, 38 Silver, 41 Bronze

Ugh, gorelions.

One of the few monsters that were totally immune to her illusion magic.

Though really, it wouldn't be much of a problem since she had other forms of magic to rely on. Her gravity magic in particular could be used to replicate the wounds of other weapons, so if the portal witch whent along with Amber's plans, she'd be able to assist without anyone suspecting it. Some might think it was strange that Tonya would go through such lengths to keep her identity secret, as the world's love was at risk. But fate's plan for everything reassured her that this would be enough.

That, and she had come too far to tip her hand just yet. Wouldn't it be something if she could go the entire mission without getting spotted?

RPGC #16: It Takes Two... - Discussion

Ahh, so the voting thread is up.

I want to do better reviews this time, so I'll be reading each entry multiple times. There is no close date for voting, but I hope it's at least 2 weeks like last time.