EDIT: I forgot to add this to the main post, but please feel free to share your experiences on RPG, or with roleplaying, if you wish to!
I want to preface this by saying I'm not quite sure where to post this. I don't think it's necessarily spam, at the very least. I did want this to be in a place where it can be seen with others, I interact with, at the very least. I'm mainly writing this since I'm currently going through a very rough patch, and I feel like writing about my feelings and experiences gives me a sense of catharsis from emotional turmoil. That said, I have a hard time writing and expressing my own emotions, so I hope I don't sound too full of myself writing all this. Feel free to criticize me on any of my points if I do sound like my head's too far up my ass or anything.
I also want to put a warning here that I will be discussing a few of my own personal issues in some depth. My intention isn't to start a pity party over myself, or to make excuses for any of my past actions. I'm just using this to rationalize many of the things that have influenced my experiences here and in life, both good and bad.
As far as introductions go... Hi, a few of you know me as Cu. I'm a 21 year-old kid in Guam trying (and at this point in time, currently failing) to grow up. I started roleplaying about 8 or 9 years ago, in middle school. I started roleplaying because it allowed me to explore who I was and who I wasn't, and it allowed me to see and understand different points of view from a vast assortment of characters. Most of all, it allowed me to be someone more important, more social, and more dynamic than I am in real life. Due to past traumas in my childhood, I've had a hard time trusting people face-to-face, and I kept myself secluded from others because of this. Roleplaying gave me a medium to interact and build my trust in others, and while I still have a hard time getting close to others on a personal level, I can say that roleplaying has made me much more comfortable, even confident, in my real life social interactions.
I started RPG about 4 years ago. While this wasn't my first forum roleplaying experience, it was the one that taught me mostly everything about it. I originally came from more live forms of roleplaying, namely tabletop-lites through mediums such as Skype, so the slower pace and larger writing material was something I needed to get used to. Another reason why I started was due to my weird timezone and my difficulty adapting to it properly. As I said, I live in Guam, which makes it harder to communicate with most others on the western hemisphere, as my Saturday afternoons happen to be the Friday evenings of those I generally roleplay with. In other words, it really was my one way of keeping up with a hobby I enjoy doing viably so.
My first year or so in RPG wasn't the best. I was still getting used to the format and slow pace, which made me flakier as a result. A lot of it comes from my lack of motivation, my very very poor time management skills, as well as worrying if my writing or the characters I create are even good enough. While I still have issues being flaky now, it was for certain much worse long ago, and some of the few people who have known me from the start can confirm. In any case, I definitely felt out of place for a while, especially seeing as this site is more than a decade old.
I started to really find my stride around my second year here. I made a bunch of really great friends, many of whom I still talk with today, who made it easier and more comfortable for me to adapt and write with. I also grew more confident as a result of this, writing at greater lengths than I did before, and improving upon my consistency. It was at that point I actually felt like I had a love for writing. Ever since then, I've started to write more consistently than before, and while I don't see myself as anyone particularly big in the community, I could really say I had finally found my place in RPG's community.
Writing here has made me realize a lot about myself as a person. For one, it made me realize how deep my interpersonal issues are, and how dependent I can become on people I get close to. I have a hard time really getting close to others, and I end up clinging to those who I resonate with the most, trying sometimes too hard to be as much of an influence to them as they are to myself. I've confided to these people about many of my personal issues, but I've also been selfish with them in many different ways, using them to vent out my own frustrations. While a few of them stuck around with me despite this, I have regrettably lost a number of good friends because of these tendencies. It's because of this that I realized it's probably for the best that I kept my distance when it comes to others more, and that I should confide and be comfortable by myself more instead of depending on the good will of other people.
Another thing I've realized about myself from my experiences here is my issues with alcohol, which is a weird tangent for sure. While I am not at a point where I would be considered an alcoholic just yet, I do realize I've grown more dependent on it to feel more comfortable with my writing. I'm sure those who communicate with me regularly can easily tell when I'm drinking or not. I know for sure I do have a problem with drinking, as while it has helped me write much more often than I normally do, it has also caused me to act more impulsively with others, saying and doing things I would not do with a clear mind. It's because of this revelation that I've more or less resigned to stop drinking regularly, especially when I feel like I need it to write better.
Finally, the biggest revelation I've had was how little I am confident in my own decisions. Perhaps my biggest issue when it comes to roleplaying is writing out characters. I tend to app multiples at once, and I have a hard time deciding which ones are better to play. I have a hard time staying consistent with my characters, and while I used to believe this was due to me just easily getting bored, I realized a lot of this is due to me not being confident in myself. In life, I've made much more mistakes than I have accomplishments, and I get too hung over even the smallest discrepancies I made. It's because of this that I get too consumed in making the perfect character, not in terms of overall capability, but in terms of how they'd fit into the story and narrative the best. While I still definitely have issues making decisions both in roleplay and in real life, I can say for sure that roleplaying has helped me identify them for the future, and that I've been improving more on my consistency.
I've had so many positive experiences both on this site and out of it with the people I've made friends with over the years. They have helped me realized the things I like and dislike on a personal level, and have made me much more comfortable with my interests, many of which I would have been ashamed to share before. Whether it's collaborating on an interesting character dynamic or actually having a pal to play vidya games with, I'm definitely thankful for many of the friends I've made here. If any of you are reading this, I do hope we could continue writing together in the future! A few of you have been with me through my worst, and I appreciate you all putting up with me because of it. I know I'm bad at complimenting others, so I hope this bit of appreciation could suffice. Maybe I'll even write a gush post later, lol.
There have also been a few bad experiences, as well. For one, my consistency still has issues in certain places to a point where I still don't think I can properly run a roleplay on my own. I also tend to flake out and post at irregular intervals from time to time due to my lack of time management, although that is something I can say I've definitely improved on as of late. Finally, while I have made many friends here, there are also a few bridges I've burned due to my own issues. To those that I have wronged that are reading this and that have stuck around to this point, I want to say thank you for reading what I have to say, and that I truly am sorry to have given you the worst of myself.
That's all I have to say, really. If you've made it this far, I guess congratulations are in order; You stuck through my selfish little tirade and now you know a little bit more about me. I just want to thank you for reading this through to the end, whether you're a close friend, an acquaintance, or just someone passing by. I can say for sure that I feel a bit better writing this out, but only time will tell if I really would regret this or not. As always, I'm open to comments, criticisms, and anything else. Thank you one last time for putting up with me, and I hope you all have a wonderful day.