Hero

Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Kazuki's gaze lingered on the now-empty plate, a childish thought popping in his head as he held back the urge to pout. There were four pieces, did she really have to eat three of them? She was a guest, yes, but it was usually agreed upon that when sharing treats it was always best to be fair with it. He had initially bought it this morning as a sort of comfort food and had originally planned to eat it later, but he didn't have much to offer once they got here, and green tea was always best eaten with sweets. In hindsight, he should have only served half of it--at least that way he would've been able to still have half when Seele decided to be greedy and set an example.

Still, Seele had a point, even if he lamented the loss of the treat. At the end of the day it didn't matter how he felt or what he said as the one and only goal of his was to survive. If that meant swallowing his pride despite his firm belief that he's right and resisting the urge to say 'I told you so' if one of them died due to that girl, then he supposed so long as it didn't personally affect him or Kazuma he might be able to deal with it. His original point of 'strength in numbers' rang true, and unfortunately that meant beggars couldn't be choosers.

Once he finished his tea, he placed the cup down and muttered a small thanks before giving Seele his full attention once again. "It makes sense," He finally replied, standing up and taking the empty plates and kettle in hand. "I guess the next step is finding Graves, then. If I can get him to be agreeable, then the rest are likely to follow."

He left them in the sink for the moment, returning to Seele. Then again, Graves had left because he thought the group was a time bomb. He stared at Seele for a moment, his mind working on something before he finally let out a sigh. He couldn't believe he was referring so much to her--she was dangerous. Was she a therapist? Maybe a counselor? It wasn't until now that he noticed how much he had opened up, or at least as much as someone like him could manage. Well, at least she wasn't annoying about it.

"But if an apology didn't work, then what counts as 'making things right'?" He ended up asking, giving her a half-shrug. "I'm still firm in my belief and there isn't much that'll change my mind. I also explained the reason behind my logic and it got him even angrier."

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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The man couldn’t help but stare at Seele for a moment, a little surprised. No, a lot surprised. It wasn’t the reaction he expected, that much was for sure. He took a sip of his tea as he deliberated on how to respond. It wasn’t often that he was left speechless, but then again, it wasn’t often that he was willing to converse with anyone for more than five minutes. In her defense, she had definitely warned him, so this was on him.

Kazuki stared at Seele for a second before deciding to bite. “I don’t have any skill in Divination,” He told her, eyebrows furrowed. “So I’m not sure what you mean.”

For what it was worth, she appeared not to have expected his response either. She covered her mouth to smile, then shook her head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t try to be funny, I’m dreadful at it. What I meant was, I don’t think things have gone as badly as you think they have.”

That was where he disagreed, shaking his head as he looked down at his cup. “All I could do last night was go over my kit and think of all the different things I could have done. Could Aaginim have lived if I had made a different decision? In the heat of the moment you can only act, there isn’t time to deliberate. The demon made quick work of them--and would have likely done the same to us if it hadn’t been for the rest of the group giving it everything they had.”

The levity seemed to leave her, just a bit, and her smile weakened with sympathy. “You make it sound like you weren’t even there.”

“I may as well have not been. It didn’t make a difference,” Kazuki let out a surprisingly bitter remark, his free hand running over his face. He could feel his heart racing as he gripped the cup, something deep in his chest wanting to come out. “The DPS as well as you and Sif finished the demon. We wouldn’t have won if it hadn’t been for all of you.”

“Kazuki,” Seele said, and it seemed as though there were a lot of words there on the tip of her tongue. But she went quiet for a moment, eyes distant with thought, and then she looked at him again. “People are allowed to make mistakes.”

Kazuki stared at Seele in disbelief, slowly shaking his head before putting the cup down. “No, I’m not--” He stopped himself, pinching the bridge of his nose as he recovered. She was dangerously close to something he wasn’t ready to admit, but there wasn’t any running from this conversation. Would opening up and getting everything out now be for the better? Just the thought alone was enough to make him withdraw into himself.

“That isn’t true anymore,” He finally spoke, exhaling a huff of exasperation. “Mistakes get people killed, we learned that the hard way. We have to be smart about who we associate with and who we can rely on, because all it takes is the wrong person doing the wrong thing and then it’s all over.”

She nodded, folded her hands in her lap. “That’s a high standard, Kazuki,” she said quietly. “Do you think you meet it?”

The disbelief was plain on Kazuki’s face, the normally muted expressions giving way to shock. It was a fair question to ask after all--did he meet the same standards he expected out of people? There wasn’t a time in his life that he didn’t constantly ask himself the same thing. The hypocrisy was astounding and above all it was shameful. By the time he finally tore his gaze away, the silence had already replied for him.

“I have to meet it,” He said. “I can’t fail.”

She was silent again, but her eyes never left him. Her hands came up onto the table, she seemed almost to be in prayer. Moments passed, or minutes, before she spoke.

“You’re sinking, Kazuki,” she said softly. “You’ve tied yourself to an anchor and you’re trying to swim, but the longer you hold onto it, the deeper you’re going to go. I said people are allowed to make mistakes. What I should have said was that they need to make them. You can fail. You are going to fail. What matters is what you do after. If you run from failure, if you run from responsibility, then you don’t learn anything. Right now, our friends need us to learn from our mistakes, not hide from them.”

Was that what she thought? Seele was wrong, he wasn’t sinking, there was no anchor, there was a world whose rules had changed and screwed him over at the worst time and it had cost them lives. Did she want him to let more people die? He hadn’t even been around to watch Enos’ death and every time he closed his eyes he could see the poor guy’s lifeless body, his last and only mistake resulted in Aaginim dying in front of his fiance!

Taking in a breath, he didn’t realize how shaky he had become, deciding to look Seele straight on. “When we first went into the room, I broke from the group and went for Priscilica because...” He slowly admitted, finding it hard to actually admit out loud, but it needed to be said. “I thought it was better to save the people we could than to waste resources on someone who clearly would never make it. Had I gone to Aaginim first, he might have lived. You can’t tell me I have to make mistakes, because my mistakes mean people die. Aaginim is dead because I made the wrong decision, because I failed. And that’s unacceptable no matter how you try to look at this. Don’t tell me I can fail, because I can’t. The stakes are too high for it to be any other way.”

She waited until he had finished, didn’t flinch or anger, didn’t fight his eyes. “We could be having this same conversation about Priscilica right now. But she’s alive—would you tell her you should have left her defenseless? Sure, maybe the demon would have left her alone, maybe, if you hadn’t gone to Luci’s side, it would have turned on her instead. In every one of these worlds, is it your fault?”

The answer was on the tip of his tongue, but saying it out loud felt like he was justifying Seele’s pseudo analysis. He perched his chin on his hands, elbows propped up on his knees as he stared down at the table. The previous exhaustion he had was catching up with him again, but even if he managed to work his way out of the conversation and throw himself into bed, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep.

“I don’t know. All I do know is that Aaginim is dead,” He finally responded. “And that much, no matter how I try to look at it, is my fault. I failed him and Luci. And there’s no changing that.”

“Fair enough.” Seele said. “I don’t agree with you, but maybe it’s not my place to push you so hard to agree with me. Instead, I’m just going to ask that you don’t…” she paused, whatever she meant to say dying there on her lips. “Don’t give up. If you’re going to take the blame, accept the responsibility. People need us now, our friends, even strangers, and the fact is that even if we try and fail, it’s better than not trying at all.”

Kazuki took a hold of his cup again as he leaned back into his seat, drinking to buy himself a little time. That was what he kept telling himself, but he supposed it was easier to let himself drown than to fight. He had accepted that Luci would never forgive him, was there really more to be done than that?

But speaking of trying and failing, there was one thing that definitely applied to. “I don’t think anyone else will be as convinced. I’m not sure they’d forgive what I said,” He sighed. Why didn’t he just keep his thoughts to himself?

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Kazuki definitely agreed with Seele's last sentence. He could also disagree with a lot of what she said--it was definitely more dangerous for a young lady to be alone. He didn't know why he mistook her for the quiet type, an odd discomfort bubbling up as he continued the walk to his home. Had he been too quick to assume she would be someone safe to be around? She was coming from a place of concern and hadn't done anything to prove otherwise, but it still made him uneasy. No, he shouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. At the very least she came to him to get the truth unfiltered, so he couldn't really turn her away without making himself look worse. Not that the truth would be doing him any favors but he supposed it was easier to get things over with.

He only stopped once they were at the door to his small home, digging around his pockets for his keys before unlocking it. The miniscule kitchen looked like it had been shoved into the right corner closest to the door as an after thought, the entrance bearing a rug and a makeshift rack that held a pair of boots already there. A set of stairs lead to the sole bedroom, its door seen from even where they were. The rest of the home was plainly decorated, with a couch and chair placed around a coffee table and a small dining table with a pair of chairs close to the kitchen. At the far corner was a pair of doors and a piano whose quality far exceeded any other piece of furniture. It was homely, but noticeably spotless.

Slipping out of his shoes, he placed them respectfully on the rack before placing his bag on the coffee table. He gestured for Seele to have a seat, wandering into the kitchen and rummaging through the cabinets until he pulled out a kettle and a pair of cups. It had been a while since he had played the part of host, but he supposed he could put something together quickly. The hearth wasn't lit, but it roared back to life after a few snaps of the spark stones Kazuki clashed together. Pulling out a jug filled with water, he poured some into the kettle and placed it on the metal hanging over the fire. After pulling out a slice of what looked like a strawberry pastry from a pantry box, he carefully sliced it into four parts.

Even though he worked in silence, it wasn't uncomfortable. He was clearly focused on the task at hand, fingers working on the leaves in the cup before plucking the kettle from the hearth and pouring the water over it. No tray, but he brought everything by hand, placing a cup and plate of sweets before Seele and only taking a seat after he had his own cup in hand.

"I'll be upfront about what happened: it was my fault," Kazuki decided to get that much out of the way. "It's telling to talk about unity one moment and immediately speak of excluding someone in the next. I won't deny it, I thought solely in my own interest. Graves called me out on it and things escalated. Having trust in others isn't my strong suit and I let my bias get the best of me, resulting in the group...fracturing." Not that he thought they were together or anything, but that was what he figured.

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Kazuki was tired.

The obvious answer was that he had gotten maybe two hours of sleep combined, but he felt like his very soul was weighing him down. Maybe he should look into Buddhism, having no earthly attachments sounded really good right now. The air was sticky and his stupid robe was starting to cling to him. He needed a bath. And a proper change of clothes. He was sure he probably had one of his beginner outfits somewhere in the house. A bath, some food, then he'd let himself collapse into bed and let his thoughts overwhelm him as his emotionally stunted self refused to let him cope healthily. Actually, he could use that time to study the texts he had bought.

It was exceedingly difficult not to think about the fiasco in the tavern, but for once, he didn't linger. No matter how many times he replayed the scenario in his head, it would have ended the same way. He would admit in hindsight that he probably looked like a hypocrite--all his talk of banding together and then turning around and wanting to exclude someone wasn't the smartest idea he had. He shouldn't have brought it up right away; any trust he had gained was definitely gone. He probably wouldn't get another chance, either.

Oh well, he could always take up Robin's offer and go to Iblenar. It actually wasn't the worst idea now that he thought about it. He and Hammer could pool together their wealth and hole up for a long while. He could throw himself into crafting completely and perform in his spare time. He didn't think they'd have any issue if he brought along Kazuma, either. They could always teach him to craft, too, Kazuma was smart enough that he would learn, he was sure of it.

The sound of Seele's voice had surprised him, though hearing that Kazuma had also left didn't. As tempted as he was to take her up on her offer, he couldn't help but let out a heavy sigh. He was headed home anyway, he may as well keep going. "Benkei just needs time to cool off. He'll be fine," Kazuki finally replied, giving Seele a weary look. "I don't understand why you're here. Did you get the full story, or did you come running after me without thinking?"

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Fuck.

There was no stopping any of this. Kazuki couldn't stop Kazuma, he couldn't stop Graves, he couldn't even stop himself right now. Alex was kind, but much like Priscilica, he was wasting his time. Kazuki had literally shot himself in the foot--how many times had the same thing happened in school? He was asked something, he answered honestly, then everyone got mad and things would happen. It would've been funny if he had any sense of humor. The game was just mimicking reality at this point, letting him know that no matter where he went, things would stay the same for him.

Kazuki watched Graves leave, running a hand over his face. Graves was wrong, if they were a bomb, they wouldn't have survived yesterday. They wouldn't all be standing there right now--as much as he hated to say it, they succeeded where others didn't. But there were a million other ways Kazuki could have gone about it--for one, he could've shut up, for two he could've gotten Kazuma under control a lot sooner. No, he was pretty sure Graves was going to explode anyway.

It was all his fault.

Looking back down at his feet, he shook his head, letting out a tiny, shaky breath as he gently took Alex's hand off his shoulder. He couldn't handle anything right now, he needed to get his shit together and he wasn't going to be able to do that with everyone staring at him. "Please excuse me, I need to be alone," Kazuki apologized to the group with a bow, unable to look at any of them properly once he straightened up.

He made his way to the door without another word, the outside air a little fresher than the tavern's heat. He almost laughed at himself--where did he think he was going to get to run away to? He had nowhere to go. Still, being outside was a little better, and so he picked a direction and walked, a hand gripping the strap of his bag as he let himself drown in his thoughts at last.

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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He couldn't believe he let himself get so emotional. Fighting was stupid, arguing was stupid, but there he was getting all worked up. He was supposed to be banding together, not egging on a hothead who was coming at him prepared! But for the first time in a long time, Kazuki had to admit to himself that it hurt to hear. Graves didn't even have to finish the sentence--just hearing it out loud shook him. It was cathartic in the strangest way, he couldn't wrap his head around it. What the hell was wrong with him? Why would he want to hear that? It made everything so much worse, it made it so much more real than he wanted to be.

Seeing Kazuma had snapped him back to reality, recognizing the situation. For fuck's sake, this was literally the opposite of what they were supposed to be doing. And once again, it was his fault. Kazuki moved between Kazuma and Graves, placing a hand on his brother's shoulder to stop him as he looked him in the eye, shaking his head. He knew he needed to properly explain himself, to get things back on track. Not that he thought there was a point--any hope of unity was shattered because of him. He had to at least try to salvage it.

"Stop," Kazuki said, his voice a little louder than intended. "Stop. Please. He's--Graves is right. It is my fault." In every possible way.

Choosing to bite his tongue and feeling like it wasn't going to help anyway, Kazuki looked directly at Graves, having to resist the urge to look away. "I am sorry," He stated it clearly. "I spoke based on what little I know and a terrible first impression." And a bad second impression, and bad third impression...in an odd sense, he was right that that girl caused issues. Go figure.

"This isn't what I--what we came here for," Kazuki made an effort to put things back on track. "And I'm sorry. I wanted us--all of us--to come together."

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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So much for things going smoothly.

A small, tiny voice said that Kazuki should apologize. His initial assumption was completely biased and aside from an unpleasant comment before everything happened, he had no real reason for his words aside from a gut feeling. Nothing Graves said was wrong. Nothing he said was inaccurate. Well, this is probably what he got for trying to be social. He should have considered this a possibility, but he hadn't really thought Graves would get so emotionally defensive over someone not worth it. No, the best thing to do was to calm down. Apologizing was for the weak, but for the sake of unity, it was probably needed.

At the last sentence, however, Kazuki's eyebrows shot up for a second before he narrowed his eyes, his eyes cold and every previous thought thrown out the window. He knew it. He knew he wasn't just being paranoid or hard on himself. He knew that this is what they'd pin on him.

“I’ll never forgive you.”

"Say it," Kazuki challenged Graves, ignoring Alja for a moment.

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Kazuki had to resist the urge to roll his eyes--why in the world did Graves assume he was talking about Rael? Was he the only one that saw it? Well, Graves was all about battle and violence, maybe picking up on subtleties wasn't one of his strengths. Which wasn't a bad thing, but he supposed being diplomatic would only get him so far. While he would have chosen another word for it, Graves was right, he should be his usual blunt self. There wasn't any point in hiding his intentions, and the last thing he wanted was for him to think the wrong idea. This was definitely ironic considering he had previously hoped he wouldn't end up with either of them yesterday, but no one needed to know that.

"Fair enough," He decided to be as plain as possible. "I don't believe the Augustine assassin is to be trusted. Their contributions were minimal yesterday and unlike the rest of us, doesn't seem to be able to hold it together without causing issues. Clearly she's the reason behind both altercations that had just happened; she'll bring nothing but problems going forward."

Biased? Yes. But it didn't matter, no one knew enough about him to call him out on it. Rael was too valuable of a DPS to let get away anyway. He would have to figure out how to get Alja on board since the argument, but he figured so long as the troublemaker wasn't in the way, he could probably figure something out. Weeding out the weakest was probably for the best. If she wanted to spend all her time sobbing, she could do it in the safety of the town and not while they were doing things.

"I know Rael has shown some personality issues in the past, but I think she's more reliable in a fight. She handled the news the best out of everyone--it's telling of her character," Kazuki continued. "I'd rather have her as an ally. She's a little reckless but it produces results."

"But I have to ask," He couldn't really stop his curiosity. "Why did you think I was talking about Rael? Alja and Sieg also got into it, too."

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Wow, they agreed! A massive relief for sure, but Kazuki was so sure he was going to have to make more of a case. Maybe he undersold his diplomacy. It was a nice boost of confidence considering the last twenty four hours and he wasn't going to complain. Both men had already more than proven themselves and he felt he could trust them both. Graves' confidence would be a boon and he didn't seem as wild as he was before. Alex had already given him a good feeling and his acceptance did wonders for his nerves, even if his drinking concerned him a little. But he still trusted the two more than most, and he knew his brother would put any differences aside for the greater good.

However, the same could not be said for the entirety of the group. To his dismay, Kazuma was already talking to Sif, but he supposed it couldn't be helped. And of course there was something of an argument that further cemented the thought--apparently Alja and Rael were going at it, and who was next to them but Kalie, who looked like she was on the verge of tears. As quickly as it started it ended, though he caught Siegfried going over to probably tell Rael off. He didn't even have to know what happened to guess that the 'roleplayer' had caused it.

"That being said, we should be careful who we do choose to associate with. I'll be the first to admit I'm wary of certain people," Kazuki would admit that much, shaking his head. "For one, I sincerely doubt anyone from Mystic Prophecy would want to even look at me right now, let alone associate with me. For another...we should all at least try to get along. Anyone that causes issues should be avoided, no matter how innocent they look. Other players can be unpredictable, and it helps to be wary."

He couldn't quite stop the bitterness in his voice at his last sentence, but he felt the need to address something Alex mentioned. "So long as we keep our heads on our shoulders and take things as they come, we can probably handle it for the most part," He replied. "We have to throw away most of the things we knew about this 'game' and treat it as reality. For some, it'll be easy. For others, not so much."

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Pariah Online: A Voyage into the Intangible Aether

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Graves' arrival had been convenient and Kazuki was glad to see him. There was something about his consistency that was refreshing, even if it was accompanied by a metaphorical gut punch. Oh no, was that what everyone thought of him? Was his failure just going to follow him around forever? It was one thing for his every spare thought burying him in anxiety over it, but somehow hearing it out loud was a thousand times worse. At least Graves was open about it, what of the rest? Would they just look at him in pity? Would Alex be reminded and reject his offer? Was it his destiny to drown in his failure and be blacklisted from any parties because they want a competent healer despite him pouring over medical texts and doing his best to improve oh no what if they saw him buying the books and laughed at his attempts--

Before Kazuki would drown in his thoughts, Graves mentioned a meeting, snapping him back to reality. Yes, of course, he should take advantage of the fact that Graves had openly approached them. He was still convinced the man was probably better off with the guild but if there was any chance at him possibly being open to the idea of sticking with them, then Kazuki would be a fool to pass up the opportunity.

"Actually--" Was he saying that too much? 'Actually'? No, it was happenstance. "--you're someone I wanted to talk to as well," Kazuki admitted. "I was just mentioning to Alex that his performance yesterday proved that he was someone to be trusted, and now that you're here, I'll extend that to you as well. There's no denying your skills and I understand if you feel you're better off elsewhere, but I was hoping you'd consider sticking to Benkei and I--and Alex as well, if he agrees."

Even if he felt like he was repeating himself, he figured it was best to explain. But whereas he thought Alex had one approach, he thought it was best to change it up a little for Graves. Aside from not wanting to come off as repetitive, different targets required alternate methods of recruitment. That thought did not sound manipulative at all regardless of what his conscious told him.

"I don't think anyone yesterday would deny your abilities and strength came to the rescue a multitude of times, and your synergy with the others was unparalleled," He continued. "I think coming together as a group would benefit everyone. The rules have changed in more ways than one, I don't think it's unreasonable to believe that there are strength in numbers. We don't know what else has changed aside from the monsters, as well as..."

He trailed off as he thought back to Marianna. "...the rest of this world. When I was on my way back from the shop, a NPC approached me and spoke to me of my performances. It's not surprising that they remembered as a majority of my revenue came from them, but it was strange that she approached me first. Everything about the conversation was strange, I almost thought I was talking to another player," He shook his head, a little more determined. "Which is why I would like--why I was hoping we could also count on your support."

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