
THE UNBEATABLE SQUIRREL GIRL
Issue #1 —— The ACTUAL First Issue!
Issue #1 —— The ACTUAL First Issue!
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| Hiya! Let's get you up to speed. My name is Squirrel Girl. Part squirrel. Talks to rodents. Powers of a girl. And also... The greatest hero that ever lived. Okay. We'll workshop that later. Still trying to figure out all this hero stuff. ANYWAY! Where was I? Oh, right. Me and my good, old pal Monkey Joe—he's a squirrel, with, uhm, the powers of a regular squirrel—have been keeping watch over our small town. We haven't fought any evil space wizards, giant, deadly monsters, or time-travelling conquerors yet, but we once helped an old lady get her cat down from a tree! That has to count for something, right? If it doesn't, well, it totally should. Everyone has to start from somewhere. So, now that you're all caught up, let's go fight some friggin' crime. It's time to eat nuts and kick butts! |
Whilst the world's heroes battled away in the streets of New York, a much calmer scene was happening in deep within a forest.
A soft, gentle breeze bellowed through the trees. Vibrant, fresh green leaves fluttered in the air as branches swayed under the weight of a girl with a large squirrel-like tail. She leapt from tree to tree, like a brownish blur in a canopy of green. Behind her, a much, much smaller figure, yet with an equally similar bushy tail, followed in pursuit, matching agility with speed.
The goal was simple. Whoever reached the ridge line was crowned the victor, and Doreen hadn't intended to lose.
"Can't catch me!"
The squirrel chittered in response. Despite Doreen's confidence in victory, the race was still close. Each passing second the finish line grew closer, and with it, the gap between the two parties.
"There it is! The ridge!"
Victory. She could see it in her grasp.
Pushing herself, Doreen felt a second wind come on. She continued her pursuit, ducking under the scattered branches that blocked her path. There were only a few more trees to leap to, Doreen had seen, as she counted down the remaining trees.
Three trees to go.
Two trees left.
One more.
Landing on the final tree, Doreen had reached the ridge and claimed her hard-earned triumph.
"Yeah!" Doreen cheered. "Nice try, Monkey Joe, but I'm still unbeatable."
Slumping down on the branch, Doreen popped open a belt pouch. Inside, she pulled out some various nuts, and offered some to the squirrel. After such a tight race, they both needed some extra pep to get their energy back.
Crunch!
Doreen went into full-alert mode. She scanned the surrounding forest, looking for whatever had been stomping around. Was it a deer? A bear? Were there even bears in these woods? Regardless of the answer, it was best not to take chances. Ushering Monkey Joe to hide, Doreen lifted the squirrel upwards to her bushy tail to climb inside the fur.
Three people came into view, tramping through the forest like it was their own turf. Doreen was puzzled. They didn't look like hikers or even hunters, so what could they possibly be up to? Nothing good, she figured.
Either way, it was time to find out.
"Boss says we'll be hitting the farmer's market tomorrow."
"Farmer's market?" Another voice spoke. "There has to be something better. Ain't this town got a jeweler? A bank?"
"Look, if you want to take it up with that bonehead, be my guest."
Doreen stood on the edge of the branch, listening carefully to the conversation. She had been practically giddy with excitement. Had she just stumbled upon her first, actual crime-in-the-making? There had to be something she could do; to stop them before people got hurt, or had their property stolen.
Creak!
Aw, nuts.
"Shut up," A third voice announced. "You two hear that?"
Her eagerness had been Doreen's downfall. The branch had begun to bend, giving way beneath Doreen as she fell towards the ground. Thankfully, however, being as graceful as a squirrel, Doreen managed to land on her own two feet opposed to her behind.
"A kid?"
"She must've been spying on us." One spoke, before noticing her costume. "Look, the kid thinks she's a hero!"
"That's right!" Doreen quickly interjected, thinking fast. She took a combat stance, showing off her claws. "Now, leave my hometown alone, or face the wrath of the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl!"
"Oh, yeah?" A thug replied, smirking. "You and what army?"
"Uhm."
Chitty. Chut. Chuk!
To the confusion of the thugs, she clicked her teeth and harmonized a series of strange noises. They watched in bewilderment, unaware that their impending doom was now racing through the trees to meet her call.
"This one?"
Doreen pointed at the nearby forest, directing the thugs' attention. From the forest floor to high above in the trees, countless squirrels had now surrounded the group. Together as one, the fluffy mob, chittering and all, stared down the group, poised for any confrontation.
"Squirrels?" One spoke up. "What are they going to do? Store us for winter like acorns? Crack us like a walnut?"
The criminals began to laugh at their friend's joke. Doreen, on the other hand, wasn't amused. She had long since heard her share of squirrel-related jokes and insults. Even throughout her childhood, the neighborhood children had gleefully taken to calling her "rodent", "freak", among other choice names in relation to herself and her squirrel pals. Whatever these common thugs could think of, it was likely that she had already heard it.
"Come on. Just take care of the kid and let's get out of here."
The trio moved forward upon the urging of their friend, ready to eliminate the squirrely pest they deemed Doreen to be. Unfortunately for them, however, she hadn't planned on losing, much less going down without a fight. It was, after all, in the name Doreen had chosen for herself—she was the Unbeatable Squirrel Girl.
"Squirrels!" She announced, commanding the squirrels' attention. Reaching into her brown tail fur, Doreen pulled out Monkey Joe and proceeded to chuck him directly at the thugs. "Attack!"
The horde of squirrels that Doreen had summoned followed their leader, joining their fellow squirrel into battle. The trio of thugs began to scream, both in horror and also surprise, as they struggled to fight the squirrels off. With every one cast aside, it seemed a dozen more appeared to take its place. They floundered like fish out of water, waving their arms wildly in vain. Eventually, the trio scampered off into the woods, fearful for their lives.
"We did it, gang!" Doreen exclaimed, excited for her first actual victory, as the squirrels began to return. "We saved the day!"
But wait. Pause. What was that? There had been something on the ground, having spotted the item while she was mid-air. Had the thugs dropped it when they fled? Was it some super secret tech? A potential clue to lead her to whoever this bonehead boss was?
Picking up the item, Doreen looked it over. It wasn't some alien tech, but it seemed to be some kind of transmitter.
"Hm," Doreen wondered. "Maybe this could lead us to their boss..."



