mdk — Roleplayer Guild

Finally done with all critiques! I'm using my cool new powers to consolidate everything into this post. Here's everyone!

@dark wind

So first off, lemme put this into perspective. When I’m reading this story, I feel like I’m watching one of the better Riddick movies (I love the better Riddick movies). The level you’re writing at plot-wise puts you there – I am talking, frankly, to someone who’s getting damn close to professional. CLOSE. How much of that gap could be crossed if you just had another month to work on this, I don’t know – but the gap isn’t very big, so uh, believe me when I say….. This is beyond good. You’re rapidly approaching ‘good enough’ to do what I suspect you’ve been thinking about doing for a while. And that’s huge. I wanna do what I can to help get you there, and that means a chirping moron on the internet is about to say mean things about your work in the sincere hope that it benefits you.

1.	The editing process needs work. Spoiler – you didn’t finish writing in the first place, because I didn’t give you enough time, and if you’d even STARTED editing at such a point, I’d be mad about that. I bring it up because of where you are in your development – look at what you can handle here, right? This is gold. Let me be clear about what I’m saying – at some point, between now and the future, you and every other aspiring author will need to develop the skill by which you refine your stories. You’re practicing something else right now, something more important (the story itself) – and what I’m saying is, you’ve got a real good handle on that. The editing process is not simply going to grow out of that expertise. It needs to be practiced, too. I’d like to see it. Of course, if you’d rather provide me with 30 minutes at the edge of my seat every month, when I can’t even tear my eyes away to get fresh coffee, that works for me! 

2.	The dialogue is missing some credibility. Particularly towards the beginning (which is something you’ll be able to clear up better when you have time to go back and rewrite things). A lot of the time, this doesn’t sound like “Something a soldier would say.” It sounds like “Something a writer thinks a soldier would say.” Damned if that’s not a hard obstacle to climb, believe me, I know, and if you’re looking for it, you spot that same mistake in nearly every show on television. So you’re in good company, and a lot of it. Still – that’s something that every single person needs to be working on every time they write dialogue. I won’t sugarcoat it – that ‘kawaii’ bit turned my stomach a little. It gets a lot better when you’re putting these characters into your dark situations – when they’re living in your world, you’re earning gold stars. When you’re living in theirs, though? That part needs work – and not necessarily writing work, either. Mark Twain wrote a good steamboat captain because he learned how to pilot steamboats. Idunno if you need to go that far (at least I hope not, since we’re a ways off from interdimensional warp gates), but maybe there’s a way to draw more personal experience into the characters – or if not that, maybe there’s a way to get some more personal experiences. Maybe this complaint disappears if you get a fair chance to edit (or hell, even FINISH) the story before I read it. Can’t say for sure.
 
3.	The characters are strong enough that they should be stronger – more different from one another, in their attitudes, their mannerisms, speech, etc. Take Liam and Riley – two completely different people, right from the get-go, but there’s no friction – er, okay, that’s not fair, she does freak out in the first scene. There’s just…. Idunno. For how different these people are, one to the next, they all sort of process things the same way, and I’m really stretching it when I say that – I can’t think of a good way to put what I’m feeling down on paper.  Somehow, some way, using some really special and unique writer stuff – is there a way for you to make these characters feel more diverse? More back-and-forth, more playful ribbing, maybe more hurt feelings – I don’t know – it’s like the groundwork is all there, you’ve already done the hard part of creating characters and letting them drive – but it’s not all showing. Or it is, and I’m managing to miss it – heck, there’s a scene in there with Rei flipping out, that counts, right? I could be the only one thinking it, but my reaction is, for all the ways they’re not the same, they’re just a little bit too similar for my taste. I keep second-guessing that feeling, keep going back to the text and finding ways I’m wrong – but the feeling persists. 

All told, what I’m reading here is above and beyond great. If that got lost in my way-too-broad thinking points, yell at me. There’s syntax and grammar stuff wrong, because, I mean…. How could there not be, all things considered? I don’t want to see those, which means I don’t want to see incomplete things, which I guess kinda means I’d rather see something shorter that you have time to polish. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want more of this. I want all of this. I want you to lock yourself in a cellar for three months, finish this, and sell it to Hollywood. I can’t even. This is spectacular stuff in all the best ways possible. Top. Marks.

@Keyguyperson

Well you did it again. Super happy that this made it in time. Shocking to precisely nobody at this point, this was your shortest entry to date my god how is that even possible, and while some of the grandeur of the first two is missing – this doesn’t really suffer much. It’s appropriately titled, in that this really isn’t about the war or the fuhrerinas or the greater moral implications – it’s about two guys. And it’s really, really well focused on that. We could always do more, go deeper, cover a wider stretch of time, but I’m really happy with how the pacing fits the scope. This came out great. Again, it’s my solemn and annoying duty to whine about things, and while I don’t have many complaints – I do have some. Hoping this helps.

1.	The sentence structure is occasionally – but repeatedly – very sloppy. A product, I would guess, of the rushed writing schedule…. Then again, after going back and checking, I’ve complained about syntax before. It’s sneaking past you sometimes. Besides the glowing praise, this seemed like the most important thing to bring up. There’s a bad run-on right as Gunther is being introduced, and after that I counted three or four other spots where absorbing the sentence became a (welcome) chore. Find those. Practice finding those. Practice killing those. When you’re doing powerful stories like, well, anything you’ve submitted to date – you can get away with a lot of bad habits. You earn that as a reward for being brilliant. Refuse that reward. I can’t imagine that you need any help on that – but since I’m talking anyway, critiquing other people’s work has helped me spot this kind of thing in my own writing. Anyway it’s hardly surprising that in ^that much^ story, one or two awkward sentences are gonna be inevitable. Eradicating them is an important part of the process. You know all this. I’m being a windbag. Moving on.
 
2.	(((WARNING: STYLE THING, THIS IS ALL PREFERENCE))) I think there’s a little too much repetition of technology. For instance, if everyone is using railguns, do you really have to specify ‘railgun slug?’ Or, if they’re hovertanks and we’ve established they’re hovertanks, does the narrator have to explicitly talk about how they’re different from treaded tanks? It felt totally natural in Small House with the hikomizu tanks, but for some reason, it was sticking out to me here. I can’t really explain why, except maybe since we were so focused on the two soldiers, the equipment details seemed out of place. In a normal KeyGuyPerson story, this level of detail would be totally justified, because the scale is so much bigger. Small House was about the technology, in a big way – here I could do just as well with ubiquitous guns, tanks, or bullets. Then again, since this is the same universe as Never Forget, it could very well be serving some important context in a much bigger picture, and if that’s the case, ignore me. 

3.	This doesn’t really count as a complaint. I wanted to highlight the Carina troops reacting to their general with that ironic cheer, right as the orders are given. That is a princess-cut diamond, I mean, a perfect way to end a scene – I want so much more of that throughout. Comparing sweat patterns is fantastic species characterization, really well done, but that scene isn’t ending on a diamond. The Wolf of the Core scene with Gunther is teed-up to be a diamond finish, but it just stays a little bit rough – he’s not convinced that there isn’t a plan, and he thinks that, okay, effective…. Not a diamond though. How can I possibly expect you to do that every single time over eight scenes and like fifteen pages written in like a day? Ludicrous. Unreasonable. Just….. think about it as you’re conceiving the next thing, because god knows you’ve got it in you to nail this stuff.

TL:DR – reading your stories makes me self-conscious. They’re that good, like, every single time. I mean you put the key in keyboard. This story in particular was notably well-paced and very focused, with credible characters in an incredible setting. What else can I even ask for? I’m an ingrate. But there is the rare out-stuck sore thumb, or comparably sore anyway, as if to remind me that @Keyguyperson is in fact, I strongly suspect, a human being. I could be wrong on that. If I haven’t specifically whined about it, it was impeccable, and that covers pretty much the whole damn story. Someday, sir, they’re gonna stop making history. THEN how will you squeeze out a single manly tear from my eye? Honestly…… keep doing what you’re doing.

@SilverWolfAngel

This reminds me of an introductory episode to anime serieseses…. In that, big things are being set up and sometimes displayed, but in a (deliberately) confusing way, so that they can be explained and used later on. In some seriessss, the payoff is worth the initial confusion and it turns into a really cool story; sometimes, not so much. In all cases (not just anime), when the introduction is structured like this – MC doesn’t know what’s going on, there’s a nameless conflict and unseen malevolent forces, and hey your powers are cool but we gotta worry about that later – in all cases, at this point, it’s too early to really judge the big story. I’m as lost as apparently-Beta-Leonis. I’m supposed to be as lost as Beta Leonis. That seems like the point, and the point was accomplished, and I can’t say for sure – without knowing the rest of the story – whether or not that was a smart move. So let’s not worry about the plot and structure parts of the review. 

First the bad -- formatting is uncomfortable to read. The colored speech is absolutely required, in order to make sense of this – and it really shouldn’t be. Proper writing doesn’t require colors. Even though they’re cool! You made it work, and the coloration does sorta add a character element (especially with Palida’s soft-purple) – what you did, you did well. But that doesn’t mean you should be doing it in the first place. Line breaks for new speakers – that’s a good rule, and it should only be broken for good reasons. 

The medium -- Echoing [@Homishire], the head/footnotes aren’t adding anything to this entry, other than the implication that this story is meant to be continued. Here’s the thing: footnotes exist to incorporate things that cannot be explained in the narrative. Things like citations, historical context, or how things are different in the story than in real life. @KeyGuyPerson does it right. But when the note is something that can be shown in the story, it really should be shown in the story. So for example, ‘bold text means they’re hearing it in their head’ – don’t tell us that before starting. Just establish it within the story. That goes for most of the exposition, too – instead of having someone sit down and explain that there are pro teams, and corrupted wishes, and powers, and all that – just show us those things happening naturally.

Now the good -- your characters were really good though! This is a great cast of people, with interesting group dynamics. And the conflict that you just barely introduced is interesting. The ideas behind it are cool, and the potential for a totally sweet, big, long, intricate story? All totally there. Like I said though – this really feels like a confusing first-episode sort of thing, and it’s too early to really tell if it’s all going to work in the end. The only things I know for certain -- that formatting is rough, and there’s lots of little mistakes throughout, but there’s also some great stuff in here, and lots of potential.

Entries start getting shorter from here on out, and so will my reviews – if you’d like more, you can ping me in the thread or shoot me a PM, either way, I’ll get right back to you.

It’s an interesting idea….. what if we found aliens and they turned out to be christians? It left me right, I suppose, where it should – unsure if I should be really happy or really friggin’ scared. The characterization of Catherine was nicely done – everyone else sorta felt like an extension of her, like, when the intern was all nervous and awkward, or when Peter feels empowered, it’s all because of the atmosphere we see Catherine create. Consistent and, most importantly, interesting – good job on that. Some of the rest feels…… what’s the word. We’re overloaded with acronyms, which is certainly credible, but doesn’t add as much for the reader as it seems to add for the characters (like why should I care about POSS and UNSOPS, if they’re so very very secondary to the story? Although….. well in a way I guess it does contribute to the setting, since neither of those things exist, it must be the somewhat-distant future? But that doesn’t fully register.

The big thing I want to yammer about is the analysis of the message, because there’s a big glaring seems-like-a-flaw. Of all the people in the room, Catherine Manning seems like the last person who would conclude “First Contact.” She’s hyper-critical. By the time she declares first-contact, there really isn’t enough to justify the claim – or if there is, like if she’s worked out that “There was only one” explanation – how and why? It’s…. I mean, it’s a hole. We’ve got lots of other scientists standing all over – if one of them put that explanation forwards, that would’ve been free conflict! Free conflict is always great.

In closing – oh. I really like the play on words at the end, by the way. In closing, what you did really well was characterization, and possibly setting (but only if that was on purpose, which….. yeah, kinda looks on purpose, and subtle, which…. Yeah that was good). The dialogue is driven forwards in believable ways, with the really weird exception of Catherine pushing everyone into the ALIENS theory. Especially since she’s so deflated when it turns out to be right – that’s just rubbing me wrong. But overall? It’s strong writing.

@WiseDragonGirl

I’m really struggling to begin this critique because I can’t decide how I feel. It’s short and sweet and to the point, and familiar, and there’s nothing wrong with those things at all…. I think, I guess, that I like it? But it isn’t exactly leaping off the page. I’ll say this though – that introductory paragraph was far and away the best part. The conversation, which is the meat of the story, isn’t really doing anything unexpected or surprising, so it’s not (sorry) particularly interesting to me when I’m reading it. Even though there’s nothing wrong (other than a nagging life/live typo), it’s sorta same-old-same-old. But that first paragraph is vivid, dynamic, and feels more original. Even if it’s just setting the scene, it’s written interestingly. There’s life to it. That’s the way you should…………… I…. I mean, again though, there’s nothing wrong with anything here. It’s not like you’re messing up. This is hard for me to help with. I like the entry, as a whole, but it’s mostly just the first paragraph setting a scene well, and the scene is just adequate.

Very, very dangerous writing. I always love that. The writing drew me right along throughout, and the stars-in-her-eyes symbolism was both clever and heartbreaking in all the right ways. Now….. part of the danger in dangerous writing is, when someone doesn’t like the message, they start looking for flaws. I hate the message, frankly! But it’s told super well, enough that I’m almost sure this is personal bias….. When Astie becomes suicidal it’s sort of a sudden-and-complete turnaround. TEENAGERS AMIRITE? It’s not that it’s ‘out of character’ – I mean, suicide is, by its nature, out-of-character. Nobody usually kills themselves. But I don’t feel like I really understand what brought her to it – or, perhaps more importantly, what led the narrator to decide it was totes appropes. “This life was torture for you” – it’s really not written that way though. It’s written like she’s got a solid best friend who would do anything for her until one day…… well. I think some of that is definitely bias. Look. The writing is really solid. The message was strong (I hate it, but it was conveyed very effectively); I think it was robbed of some significance because of how easily (in the retelling anyway) he agreed to let her just die, and how easily he got over it. Some context on either end – either “she stubbed her toe like SUPER hard and that’s why” or “I cried about it for a thousand moons” or whatever. Obviously not actually that. Don’t kill yourself, kids. Killing yourself is stupid. Good story though.

@Psyga315

There’s a lot of really good elements in this story. First of all, lots of conflict – not ‘lots of action,’ per se (there’s that too!) but lots of different kinds of conflict make Virgo’s story really compelling. There’s loss, war, betrayal, crisis, redemption, a second chance, and vengeance – that’s such a good plot arc I can’t even really say enough. That. Is. Fantastic. Seriously – that is a friggin’ arc right there. Super, super good plot.

However.

The execution has lots of room for improvement. I cheated and read @Holmishire’s review again – pacing has been addressed. To put it another way – one of the reasons to write huge, long stories and novels, is so that you can do stories like this, plots like this, and do them justice. That’s how long it takes to do a complex plot well. You don’t have time for that (and if you did, you probably wouldn’t want to limit yourself to fanfic), so enough’s been said there. Let’s talk about action writing – I think (correct me if I’m wrong) you enjoy writing action scenes, and that’s a wonderful thing. There are a million ways to skin a swordfight, and the only one that matters is the one that works for you. Some of the things you’re doing, work – for example, Scorpio stings a dude and it takes Virgo a minute to realize that he was martian, not human. Or when Virgo panicks and opens a black hole for herself – we’ve seen her do that once so we sorta get it, and it’s written like a credible last-chance tactic. Basically when Virgo is doing things, it’s generally written effectively – and what makes it effective is, you’re telling us more than just ‘she did _____ to ____ and then she did ______ to ____.” You’re telling us state-of-mind and context and all that good stuff. 

The other characters don’t get the same treatment. When I’m reading Scorpio’s movements, it’s almost the difference between reading a list of stunts Jackie Chan might do in a movie, and watching Jackie Chan act out a fight. Physical actions alone are boring. In the words of Bruce Lee, ”You need emotional content!” When you watch a movie, you’re getting that from the actors whether you realize it or not – but when you’re reading it on a page, it has to come from the writer. Every action is a chance for you to show off your style – be quick, with short sentences and impactful verbs, or be descriptive with lots of adjectives, or technical with detailed explanations of the moves. A million ways to do it. Simply telling what happened is never good enough though. Unless it works for you. Then it’s totally good enough.

It’s…… not an easy thing to do well, and it’s not like I’m some all-knowing expert. The key is to deliberately try lots of different things and find what you like. I saw good action in here, mixed with some bad. And I spent too much time talking about both….. The characters besides Virgo weren’t really explored much, and they probably should be. And pacing, again, probably the culprit. Overall I saw a really REALLY good plot, with some issues that kept it from totally working. Really solid effort.

@Elitestpotato

Heh. Heheheheh. Heheh. Heh. Okay, okay. Suffice it to say, this piece did everything you wanted it to do – which was really just two things, I guess. Lead us to expect one thing super hard, and then punchline. The images and word choices were all great because they all served that purpose perfectly. BUT SINCE I HAVE TO BE MEAN – the writing isn’t ‘out of this world.’ Not that it has to be, to pull off the joke. ‘His body I quickly being submerged’ is terrible awful no-good very bad passive voice. Stop it! Actually most of it is passive voice. NO GOOD, VERY BAD passive voice! And some sentences are all jumbled up, like ‘inform his parents and find a sobbing mother yadda yadda note.’ It honestly doesn’t matter in this story. Really, it doesn’t matter at all. Specifically here. Future stories will matter though. This…. This was special and funny and it scratched a great itch for me. Loved it. Well done.

First time I read this, it didn’t register that there were two speakers conversing. I don’t know how I missed that. Two speakers in a single poem is really abnormal and totally interesting. Both speakers are really well-defined by their word choice and attitude, and conclusions….. Never a wasted word, which is always a good thing. I’m left feeling pretty awesome about life and humans, regardless of how big or small we are, or think we are. There’s a certain dramatic irony in there too – all this about “Look how alone they are,” in a conversation between two other sapient beings. It’s clever. All that said…. This is a really unconventional……. Poem? It feels like a poem, or at the very least, highly poetic prose. The form is, I think, mixed success – on the one hand, hearing two diametrically opposed analyses makes each point of view seem a little more potent, and adds a certain significance to it all. But the whole structure isn’t adding all that much. Like….. if this was written out as prose, we could get the same impact or better; if it were written out as I don’t know, a Shakespearean sonnet, it could be better. It’s pretty formless, which is like throwing a bunch of tools out the window…… unless formlessness is the point, and it’s meant to emphasize how vague these beings “are.” …..considering it that way, it’s kind of totally perfect. 

Well. This is a deep thing right here. And shallow, too, and big, and small. It’s a really complex entry – I really like it. There’s so, so much room for interpretation – mostly about good things, like meaning and structure and impact. That’s pretty much exactly where I feel like a poem should be. Outstanding.

There’s something confoundingly scientific in all this – like it might be a rhyming explanation of a theoretical physics application that I just almost get. I suspect, though, that this is scientifically brilliant. I’m gonna give every benefit of the doubt and say, great job on the content. 

Now let’s look at the form. The rhyming is great, but they rhythm is not. Science words – not a whole lot you can do, I get it. To me, the rhythm is way way way more important than the rhyme. Spoken aloud, it doesn’t matter when words rhyme if they’re at totally random intervals. That is purely personal preference. I think it sounds better when the meter is right. It’s up to you though. 

Overall this is a weird case…. I suspect this is really really clever in a way that I can’t fully understand. If I consider just the poetic form, it’s half perfect, but only the lesser half. Sorta mixed feelings, but clearly it took a lot of clever effort to craft this little nugget. I’m pretty sure I would love it if I knew the theories better.

I'm really torn on my vote...... A big part of me wants to go with Dark Places, unfinished and unpolished as it is, because it was seriously incredible even in spite of all that. Another part of me, smaller but loud and obnoxious, wants to vote for Star Crossed. But I think in the end I just can't justify going against the strongest (finished!) piece. So..... @vote A Tale of Two Soldiers, @Keyguyperson. 

Literally everybody was fun to read. I haven't said it enough this thread..... you guys ruled.
mdk Member

3/4

Status

Recent Statuses

Bio

Most Recent Posts
