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Master EffeXAfter Dear David 'Scott Street' saga & Alone In the Maelstrom
Introducing: Amaranth "Mara" Harding, Kylee Grimm's cousin
FT: Jillian O'Brien, Vivian Lucasta, & Mei Ramsey
Introducing: Amaranth "Mara" Harding, Kylee Grimm's cousin
FT: Jillian O'Brien, Vivian Lucasta, & Mei Ramsey
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Eden Lake is a violent body of water that belies its calm nature. Despite the grassy plains, the muddy but gentle slopes that carry no hidden rocks to jab at the soles of those alongside, and the picturesque views it offers of a rare unincorporated slice of Massachusetts wildlife, it boasts one of the highest kill counts per square mile of any oversized puddle this side of Lake Mead. Or at least that’s how it always seemed. Every Edenridge kid grew up hearing the tales of the weeping Nipmuc child. Everyone alive knew the tragedy of Original Queen Clover Karen Nowinski, sacrificed by the jeering crowd of her peers to Loony Greg Mooney and his drowning hands in the reeds by the shore. Everyone in the newest generation of graduates knew the resting place of David O’Hara due to his various demons, and even if people just arrived in the town during the last three years, they certainly knew now.
However, it was the confirmation that David’s lover wasn’t part of the doomed chorus of the lake that led to the lost soul on the grassy shore to contemplate joining that harem of the damned. While Caitlin Cleary unburdened her soul of a secret that was years in the making, the additional weight on the psyche of Jillian O’Brien drove the girl back to the cursed waters. A bottle was present in her hand, a pint of Russian Prince that had been conspicuously thrown in the back during one of her many trips to the convenience store during her time back at her parents place. It had survived in the trunk of the CR-V, had a stay in the apartment on the shelf for a bit, but it was ever present, as if it was waiting for its chance to lure the redhead back into the drink. Now that Jillian was in the state she was in, the prince had the opportunity.
The former head Clover had her knees tucked up under her chin, one arm wrapped around her legs, the other gripping that vodka bottle for dear life like a tether to reality. And yet, it could easily be her portal to the land beyond. “If I drain this… I could walk into the lake and not feel it. My tolerance has to have gone down since I haven’t been drinking all the time. David had to have done it the same way. It would be apt. It’s what this town wants…” The dark thoughts that had emerged with a vengeance during her self-pity party while listening to the broadcast were now crushing her, forcing her to consider a path that promised the end of the pain. Even the months spent with her new girlfriend weren’t present on her mind at the moment. Just the desire to pay for her perceived crimes, serving as her own pitchfork-wielding mob.
Her vehicle remained stationed at the end of Scott Street, some residents possibly remembering it from when it was regularly parked two houses down at the Madden residence during the better part of a year. Olivia was one of the people on Jill’s mind at the moment. “You’d be with them again. Liv. Kat. Ally. Dad. They must all be stuck there. You can help them. You can’t do it here. You can’t atone for what you did. You can't apologize to those you hurt.” She looked up at the surface of the water and swore she could see the shadows of David and Karen, as well as a little girl in pigtails dressed in white that she couldn’t place. All seemed to be trying to help her find the solution.
Jill looked at the bottle again. Russian Prince wasn’t the best choice to go out on, but it would probably work. What did it matter in the end? She twisted off the plastic cap and took a long swig. She wasn't as great at handling straight vodka, especially since she had been on sodas and beers for the better part of the last few months and Russian Prince tastes exactly like the price you pay for it, but she was managing, downing a few shots worth of liquid with ease. Unfortunately, drinking alcohol was like riding a bicycle. You never forget how to do it if you really want to pick it back up. She looks out over the water, focused on her own final process. "I'm coming soon, girls." Another sip to chase the first followed.
“Where are we going?” A soothing yet regal voice broke the coldness in the atmosphere, piercing the veil. Not too long ago, Amaranth Harding had landed on American soil, where her cousins, Kennedy and Lincoln, picked her and her sister up. She had texted her girls immediately to tell them she got to Boston safely. When Jill didn’t respond, a deep-seated feeling began to boil inside her, making her incredibly uneasy. She called her and texted her once more.
To some this would’ve been seen as silly. To worry about someone the moment you land after an incredibly long flight. Mara would like to think she knew her friends and when Jill didn’t acknowledge her message, giving a thumbs up or sending an emoji at least, she knew something was wrong. Distance gave them a reason to hold each other accountable with communication. The fact that Mara didn’t live in America gave Vivian and Jillian more of a reason to keep her updated with their lives. She tried her best to be available to them and she knew if she needed them, they’d be ready with open arms.
Luck seemed to be on her side when she saw a familiar car near the Madden house. She frowned knowingly. Jill reminded her so much of her mother. Her mother to this day struggles with the monsters of her past. What makes now different than then is she has a support system in the form of her band and two reasons that gave her strength to fight one more day. Two daughters to live for. If not for herself, certainly for her daughters. Evelyn Harding was an ethereal woman, who once upon a time was ice cold to all those that tried to connect with her. Underneath all the ice, all the beauty and magic, was unbearable sadness and unruly individuals trying to control her every move. That was her mother in a nutshell and that’s what she gathered simply by watching and listening.
On pure intuition, Mara knew her friend was in the process of relapsing. Something happened that felt too heavy to bear or carry on her own. Something happened that forced her back into her dark place, with no visible exit door. While Mara knew she wasn’t the person that could get her out of the dark, that seemed more like a Mei job, she could sit with her and help her feel a little less alone. “It’s good to see you, Jill,” Mara added when she didn’t get an immediate response. Cautiously, she took a step forward but not too close. She didn’t want to breach Jill’s bubble, not without her permission. When she was away from the woods and close enough to her friend that she didn’t need to project her voice as much, the raven-haired girl politely offered, “Mind if I sit with you?”
Jill probably shouldn’t have been shocked as she was to hear a voice behind her while starting the process, but to hear a voice without the static of a microphone or the aggravating tone of a FaceTime disconnection was at first puzzling, but then at least something consoling. In all the misery of the Dear David discussions, she had forgotten that Amaranth Harding was coming to Eden.
She should have remembered. When she divulged to Mei that she was friends with the daughter of Eve, one of the founding members of East of Eden, Miss Midnight glowed like the brightest noon at the prospect of access to one of the most progressive rock bands in English history. She knew some of the inside stuff from Mara's recent conversations. How her mom and her best friend Bex Crosby would spend hours binging to numb the sensations while she tried to get through school. Despite the warnings, Jillian followed the same path of destruction.
Another person I owe an apology to.
Mara certainly looked like she fit in with this newer version of Jill as opposed to the high-school edition she first had contact with. All Jill could do for the first few moments was look over at her while the vodka stung the inside of her mouth before it was swallowed. Finally, the redhead gasped for air and spoke. "I don't mind." Jill motioned to the grassy seat next to her. She dug her phone out of her thrift-store purse and saw the notifications in there. "I guess I missed your grand entry back into America. I'm sorry about that." A shorter sip from the bottle follows to ease the pangs of the opening apology. "How the hell did you find me?"
“A premonition, like That’s So Raven,” Amaranth joked as she knelt down, sitting perfectly erect on her legs and knees. She didn’t impose or correct her friend’s behavior. Drinking, that is. The addiction that she personally didn’t partake in because of her mother. She hated alcohol and what it did to the people she loved but she knew that was her opinion and some people truly did enjoy it in moderation. Some people could control their impulses.
The more time someone spends with the eldest Harding, the more they realize that Mara isn’t as stuck up, uptight and shrewd as most people assume. She was confident and assertive, sure, but beneath all that, beneath the natural born leader she would one day be, she was a tender, loving and caring soul, who felt deeply and loved with all her heart. That’s why she didn’t open up easily. She knew once she gave pieces of her heart away, there was no turning back. These individuals would forever be part of her and if they wanted to, they could hurt her because she opened up to them, being her true, authentic and vulnerable self. They could hurt her badly and it would be her fault because she let them in. Even with that knowledge, Mara knew there was no point in fearing the unknown. If it comes to it and she loses people along the way, she has faith she will have someone there to lean her head on. If not her friends, she would always have her mother and sister. “In all seriousness, I saw your car. That led me to Mrs. Cortez which led me here. Easier to find you on Scott Street than anywhere else in Eden, I imagine.”
That line got a laugh out of the O'Brien girl. Ever since Liv and Kat were taken, Scott Street hadn't felt like home. It never had. The O'Briens were always the odd ones out of the founding families, staying on the Loop nearer the common people, but close enough to keep in touch with the elite. However, her beef with the Belmontes left the Maddens as the only link, and losing Liv meant losing the reason to be on Scott. "Easier maybe, but unlikely. Of course, I don't know how many people are going to be looking for a monster like me." Another put-down to her soul brought another sip. "I'm surprised you were willing to look. Almost wish you didn't find me."
“And if I didn’t find you, what would you do? Kill yourself?” Mara replied rather bluntly. There was no malice in her words. There never was. Not toward Jill. Not toward Vivian. Those two got hard truths but it was always laced with undoubtable love. “You remind me so much of my mother…” The dark haired beauty admitted. “Every time I think she gets better, something happens that makes her want to forget all the pain.” Like her father dying. “I will never claim to understand you but I will speak for myself and say, you are not a monster. Sure you have monsters living inside you, I do too, but if you were a monster do you think I would’ve come all this way just to be here with you?” Mara caught Jill’s gaze, as she held her hands together. They rested on her lap. The sun soaked her olive skin while she felt the dampness in the grass. She could tell there was a storm recently. The night before. It was a beautiful day to be sad. A beautiful day to be sad with company.
Sighing deeply, Mara shook her head, firmly disagreeing with her friend’s nonsense, “Monsters embrace the self they shouldn’t enjoy, but do, and yet you want to drown yourself. Is that really what monsters do?”
The fact that her plan was so transparent to someone who had to be jet lagged from the transatlantic flight made Jillian at least drop the hand holding the bottle to her side as opposed to continuously locking lips with it. In that moment, it was tough to feel anything but more shame. Not the remnants of the rain soaking through the small black pair of cotton shorts, nor the slight breeze rustling the oversized white tank failing to hide the neon pink bra underneath. Just a friend calling her out within 10 minutes of sitting down.
"If they know just how much of a monster they are, maybe," she replied sullenly before looking up at Mara, the red under her eyes matching the jacket of the frowning man on the bottle of alcohol. "I hurt so many people, Mara. I said so many things. I was so caught up in myself I ignored people killing themselves and hurting themselves, while I just spread lies and cared about my social status. And for what? In the end, I couldn't even protect someone inside of me!" Jillian stares back over the dark waters, finally taking another sip of the vodka. "I know that you weren't here for the stuff I didn't talk about online, but I did a lot of horrible things. I don't think I can make up for the pain I inflicted on this community, and I can't take the karma that's coming back on me. It's too much." The redhead finally meets Mara's gaze again, the tears starting again. "So what's wrong with making everyone else's life easier and getting rid of the problem?"
Her hand was shaking, as if she knew it was a bad idea, but the pressure in Jill's head was overwhelming at that point. A part of her knows that it isn't the answer. It's just a final way to inflict hurt on those who dared get too close to the toxic Clover. But as she told Marco all those nights ago, she just couldn't be that support structure any more. Not with so many scars on her soul.
While she didn’t say anything immediately, Amaranth did grab her friend’s shaking hand, cupping it in between hers. Like she had said earlier, there were some things she couldn’t understand even if she tried, like losing a child and having to live with that grief. Mara, however, could understand doing bad deeds and spending your life making up for it. Neither Jill nor Viv knew how Mara was at school. All they knew at first was her online persona and when their friendship blossomed, she was reformed and doing better. Trying to at least.
Her dad would say that Grimms preferred the dark but he believed, God willing, that people, regardless of their namesake, could become more than their circumstances. Foundling or no foundling. Money or no money. We choose to take all the bad and turn it into good. We choose our path, and learn through experience, that walking forward isn’t always in a straight line. Sometimes you have to backtrack because there’s a better turn to take. Jill couldn’t protect her daughter because she was pushed down the stairs. She blamed herself when it was obvious who was to blame. What Mara could relate to was using her words to harm. She did and she knew it got someone to commit suicide, right at her campus. She knew the person too and their ghost will forever haunt her, until the day she dies. That was her burden to bear. It was her sin to confess and ask forgiveness for. It was her grief to live with to become a better person. “Easy for who? Me? The fuck it is.” the usually polite Harding brought out her aunty Bex, the grace flying out the window as she firmly held her friend’s hand. “I don’t think that gets rid of the problem. Not really. That’s just you choosing the easy way out.”
The grip on Jill's hand and the swear word flying from Mara's lips jolted her back slightly towards reality. However, it wasn't enough to bring the O'Brien girl back from the edge just yet. "Then what do I do, Mara? What can I do to make this up to people? How the fuck do I undo the damage I did?"
For a few minutes, Vivian Lucasta was just standing from a distance. Not that she meant to be a creeper, but when she got the text that Mara sent and when she took her lunch break under the impression that Dawn would expect her back within the hour she had, there was a high chance that she wouldn’t be. She didn’t even go home to change into something that wasn’t her uniform. It was all kinds of pink (not that Vivian minded one bit). The urgency that was in Mara’s text was one of those situations where she knew she couldn’t waste time picking out an outfit or worry about how she stood out. All she could do was drive her ass to the lake. And when she did, Vivian was the silent witness to the whole exchange, her heart breaking more and more the longer it went on, yet she was almost frozen until she wasn’t.
“You don’t need to do anything!” The blonde abruptly shouted, taking steps forward. There was some part of her that thought if it would be best to take slow steps or if she should proceed with caution, but Vivian wasn’t that kind of friend. She respected boundaries, of course, but Jillian needed her. She needed to know she was loved and that nothing that may have happened in the past is her fault. So she didn’t even think as she took a place on the opposite side Mara was and took Jill’s hand, squeezed it and literally clung to it, hugging it as the blonde needed one of her two best friends in this world to know just how much she was cared about.
“You don’t need to do anything because you have nothing to feel guilty about, Jill! We all love you so much and no matter what, we are going to be here for you through it all!” Her voice was cracking, full of emotions and love for Jill. She was a hot mess with that and tears falling down her face. Vivian never was able to keep her emotions in check. Not when she got her heart broken by Lucky Quinn and especially not when one of two of her best friends in this world needed her.
If Mara was the whisper in the wind that started calling Jill back from the bottom of the lake, Viv Lucasta was definitely the gale force blast trying to push her back from the depths. She came in like a hurricane to the other side of the redhead, dropping the bottle from Jill's hand and spilling the contents on the ground like the Russian Prince's blood a hundred years ago. Jillian never even saw her coming, the pink blur suddenly at her side as red as she was. A cursory glance could confirm that. Vivian was one of the most empathetic people she knew. Capable of blasting a room with sunshine, and yet shouldering the burden of someone's emotional stone instantly. Looking from the blonde Bubbles shedding tears like Niagara to the raven-haired Buttercup cursing and pledging confidence, she felt like a broken Blossom sitting there, a leader with no ability to take control.
The tears were still flowing on her end as well. "I… I have to do something, Viv," Jill sobbed. "I can't… I can't make it up to the people I hurt. I can't tell David I'm sorry… or Quinton… or Ally. Shit, even the people that are alive, I'm not even sure I can apologize. Would Caitlin even listen to me, let alone forgive me? I…am so useless."
Vivian was absolutely gutted hearing Jill blame herself for things that, for everyone knew, weren’t even her fault. She hated not being able to just hug the pain away. But she also understood some part of it all. She hugged her ginger bestie’s arm even tighter, her tears falling on the girl’s pale skin. She hugged so tight that a thought of accidentally snapping it off entered her mind. “You’re not useless! You’re not, Jill!” She muttered somewhat clearly, her voice rich with the raw emotions she was feeling. “Who we were in high school doesn’t define the person we are now. If it did, well just ask Mara.” The bubbling mess of a blonde looked at Mara. “I would be a naive, boy crazy fool who couldn’t spot a red flag even if I was a bull from Spain.” She thought about who she was and who she would have been if she never met Mara and Jillian when she did. The trajectory of her life was different now.
“And I wouldn’t have been friends with either of you two,” Mara admitted, not looking at them as she spoke. She still held Jill’s hand but she was staring off at the lake, dissociating, lost in her own mind and the events that transpired prior to her arriving in Edenridge. “Jill, if you’re going to hell, I’m going with you.” She could see her family, Eve and Aster, and how much her father’s death severed the bonds they had together. She knew her mom meant well, as did her sister, but it did hurt to see all the people around her drowning. She needed to be strong for them, which also meant she needed to own up to her own wrongdoings. “I was raised with a silver spoon, and I knew I was better than everyone. I suppose you two are more fortunate to have gone to public school. Private school is an entirely different beast.”
Glancing over to her two friends, both deeply shattered because of their own personal experiences, Viv letting boys steal pieces of her soul, Jill blaming herself for the sins of her family, her ex and this town, she searched their eyes for connection, a silent way of saying she wasn’t doing okay herself but she was trying, for them, “Up until I met you two, I wasn’t a good person. I don’t talk much about my life outside of the band, my sister and my dad. Or well, when he was alive I talked about him, like how when we traveled we would throw a dart on a map to decide our next destination. Small things like that. I find the simplicity of what you two go through far more interesting than my life. I will never claim to be good.” She squeezed Jill’s hand, understanding her more than she’d ever realize.
“But I do know I’m actively trying to be better. I am who I am, no excuses. What I can control is what I do from this point on, if not for myself, then for you two, and all those who would be at my funeral. You understand, Jill?” Mara sharply gazed at the redhead. She wasn’t going to promise her life will get better. What she will say is if she changed the way she thought and the things she did have control over, like forcing herself to apologize to those she felt she wronged, then that is a start. All she needed to do was start somewhere and from there the rest will fall into place. She already did. She just didn’t see it. Jillian O’Brien was changing. She was reflecting on her past, she wasn’t constantly turning to the bottle and she smiled more, she was open to talk, she was receiving the love given to her and not hiding from it, afraid to get hurt. That was likely all thanks to Mei Ramsey.
Jill was still crying as this was going on, the salty tears rimming the vodka cocktail swirling in the mud. At her lowest point, it felt like she had no friends in the world. That there were more enemies and blank faces than allies. Certainly post-Ally. Most definitely after hitting the post of the Barrie staircase. There was even that time when she wasn't sure if Mei was just tolerating her presence as thanks for the support in the high school wars. But the high-school era Jillian O'Brien was never truly coming back. There would be bits and pieces brought forth, but never the alpha queen that ruled the class. That was a rule of fear. Machiavelli said it was better to be feared than loved, but once no one is afraid of you, and there is no love to fill that void, it becomes clear that all that's left is the darkness.
Even as Jillian figured that being a ghost was all that's left, it was amazing that the friends that she swore she never would forget had to remind her there was still a reason for that body to reject the sickness. Hell, they drained their hearts to make sure she wasn't joining the dead.
Today had forced her to relive the past through new eyes and she hated every bit of what she saw. And the memories of the past few years usually drove her to the drink for all the wrong reasons. But Viv and Mara were more recent additions to her friend circle, and while she didn't consider them as part of her support system, they were definitely pulling their weight now.
"I think so," Jill finally confirms. "I know I'm not the person I was in high school. But what am I? Just a waitress then? I don't know what else I can do. I can't erase the past. I don't know what I do for the future." Her hands tense against her friends' own. "I don't know if I can go back to school, or if I'm just going to be working and stuck here. I know you think your mom traveling around is rough, but I am so jealous of being able to do that, Mara. Shit, if Mei and I, if she still wants me, if we…" Jill's mind was racing way too far in the future now. It was an improvement but she still had to shake her head to get herself back into reality. "Sorry, emotions and shit. Mara, I'm sorry I made you run out here right after a 12-hour flight, and Viv, I'm sorry I made you… clearly ditch work. I… appreciate the help with the pain."
Vivian vehemently shook her head. “Don’t even sweat it, Jilly! This was more important. Besides!” She couldn’t help but become a little giddy thinking about her excuse of getting out of work. “I took my lunch break! I’m sure Dawn hasn’t even noticed I’ve been gone…though, it’s probably swamped right about now…” As painful as it was here, she just knew her big sister would have some words for her whenever she returned, be it at their apartment or when she returned a couple hours later than she was supposed to…
"At least you have people who might be noticing you're gone," Jill noted. "And who want you back for good reasons. That was part of why I was out here. I didn't think I'd be missed."
”Bitch, you better be fucking joking!” Mei had heard enough. Standing directly behind the Powerpuff Girls with her hands on her hips and tears in her eyes, the goth girl’s face was paler than normal, incensed by what she was hearing. When she had returned home from the studio after Caitlin’s confession, she found the apartment empty and more specifically, her shelf of liquor missing a certain Russian prince. Mei knew better than anyone that the Czar was Jillian’s drink of choice when it came time to fall into the depths of her wallowing soul. This was why when she saw it was missing that she immediately tracked Jill’s phone to the shores of Eden lake. The Wiccan girl immediately hopped into the Comet and sped with reckless abandon to Scott Street and the cut back between the O’Hara and Cleary homes.
Mei stormed a circle around the trio until she stood before them, the cold water that housed a thousand lost souls beneath its surface washing away at her Doc Martens. “You really think I wouldn’t miss you?” The dark priestess wanted to feel disbelief but she knew better. She knew that Jill had demons that even she couldn’t fight away, not with magic or words. She hoped her love would be enough. “Jillybean.” Mei dropped to her knees in front of her Ashes and could feel the vodka and tears mixture seep between the gaps in her fishnet tights. She placed her hands on Jill’s pale face as she looked into her big brown eyes. “You’re a fucking cunt!” With an almighty wallop, Miss Midnight slapped her girlfriend square in the face. As she did she shot the other Puffs a menacing look, daring them to try and intervene.
“Get your fucking head out of your ass. Jill O’Brien, I have loved you since our days in the fucking sandbox. I have been with you every day, giving you everything, every part of me. And you have the audacity to say you wouldn't be missed? I should kick your beautiful stupid sexy fat fucking ass!” Mei could feel the warm salted tears begin to well up as she ripped away the choker she always wore around her neck to reveal the large scar on her throat. “Everyday I wake up and I look in the mirror and I see this. And I go back to that day. I go back and I remember that as I lay in a pool of my own fucking blood, I remember thinking, ‘I hope Jill got out’. I remember Roddy fucking Callahan pulling my ass out of that room and asking him ‘Is Jill ok?’ Don’t you dare, ever, say that you won’t be missed. Cos the only reason I didn’t die is because I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from you.”
Well, that’s one way to get Jill to listen. Amaranth released Jill’s hand so that she was free from her grasp and able to react in whatever way she pleased. She sat there quietly, adjusting herself so that she was no longer on her knees but sitting sideways. She watched this storm of a woman come whirling in to give her girlfriend a wake up call. Mara tilted her head, observing the lover’s quarrel. She smiled to herself, recalling her parents. Evelyn Harding and George Grimm. They were passionate lovers. George would never hesitate to remind Eve why she mattered, even if his words weren’t always the softest. He loved her with all his heart and would never let her fall, even if sometimes it did take a toll on him. He loved her and now he is gone. If Jill couldn’t live for friends, perhaps she could live for love. Not many people are as lucky to have a girlfriend like Mei Ramsey. Not many people are as lucky to be in a relationship. Not many people are as lucky to understand how it feels to love and be loved in return. Jill was lucky. Mara hoped she saw how lucky she was.
Like the hurricane she was, when Mei Ramsay had come rushing in, Vivian felt all of those familiar feelings of her muscles tensing up. Mei was sweet and a force, but this was Vivian's own reaction to aggression in general. She never did well with it and for one reason or another (mostly following Mara’s suit), she released her tight, clinging grasp on Jill’s other arm and stood up, dusting whatever particles ruined her work uniform. Jillian meant so much to them all. She was loved by them all. Mei was just the kind of abrasive, in-your-face reminder of that. Vivian just hoped and prayed on her metaphorical knees that Jill could see that.
Jill should have expected this would happen. Mei was never one to take perceived slights lightly, and listening to her chastise her for her abrupt trip to the lake was proper punishment. Even the vicious slap to the face, adding her cheek to the blotchy red skin around her eyes, was warranted in Jill's eyes. That passion that defined Miss Midnight was always there, and she was going to take what she deserved, world be damned.
But Jill still didn't know how or why she was at the top of that list. The scar on Mei's neck was a grisly reminder of the pain of that day, when she knew she lost two of her friends and very nearly lost what would eventually be the whole pack. Hearing Mei confirm that her thoughts weren't to her family as Roddy dragged her away, but to Jill's queen-bitch entitled ass? Even back then?
"Mei," the redhead finally spoke, soft enough for all three of them to barely hear it over the rustling wind. "Why do you love me?" She could probably leave it there and hope for an answer but the efforts of Vivian and Amaranth had only gotten Jill to around 60% of her restored levels of confidence post-Carlisle Street. "You say you've loved me since we were kids, but I was a horrible child. Like you said, my head gets so far up my own ass, I can't see anything else. I tried to solve other people's problems, but only when it served me. I destroyed so many lives with a casual flick. I ignored Ally's problems, blinded by hero worship. I made Quinton even more of an outcast. I shoved so many beneath me into the depths of the social pool. I drove CeCe away. I… helped push David into that lake… " She couldn't bear to look her girlfriend in the face. "...And I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same to the senior who fucked you when you were a freshman."
When Mei made the admission on air, Jill didn't have to think all that long and hard about who the likely candidate was for that relationship. It didn't take a Kylee-level investigation to figure out that as Allison Davies was a guiding figure in Jill's cheerleading career, Mei had found her senior soul sister in the darkness when Sabrina Aviles took her under her raven wing. United in magic, death and rock music. High school Jillian would have loved to take a shot at denting that family's seemingly impervious armor. Sabrina would have been burned at the stake, and honestly, she probably would have enjoyed it if it wasn't metaphorical. But that was just a sign that the monster Jill sought to slay still dwelled within to a point.
"Mei, I ignored you for all those years, oblivious to the full scope of your feelings while being so hyper focused on Danny and the rotating cast of guys and Mike. Fucking Mike. I ran my way through the male roster of Edenridge High, running away from any feelings that being 'outside the norm' could make me happy. Even after everything, hitting rock bottom and watching you drag me back up from hell, I doubted. I doubted the power of your love because I can only think of my own pain. You can argue that I've hurt you the most of anyone in this town. So why, Mei?" Jill finally looked Miss Midnight in the eyes, blurs obscuring both visions as the tears continue to cascade to soothe the pain of the slap and try to wash the emotions away. Her voice held no anger like her partner, just a weary disbelief at the world. "Why do you love an absolute monster like me?"
”Why do I love you?” Mei repeated her girlfriend's words as she couldn’t hide the knives that Jill was stabbing onto her heart. Q had always been a sore spot for the DJ and even to this day she worshiped the ground that Sabrina walked on. She was under no illusions about the type of person Jill was back then and had no qualms with telling her as much but Mei herself was no saint either. ”Why do I love you?” She said again before forcefully grabbing a tight hold of Jillian’s face. ”Let me count the fucking ways. How about because every time I look into those beautiful brown eyes my entire world melts away? And all that’s left inside of me is a warmth and a desire that literally leaves me breathing only for you?
The inner rage that was sweeping through the midnight girl like previous night's torrential storm was palpable. ”Or maybe it’s the fact that my entire life I have tried to be alternative and different and the weirdest fucking twat in the room and in spite of all that, even at your prissiest bitchiest, you were the only person that supported me? Ally? Reagan? Don’t make me laugh.” Mei couldn’t stop the tears now, this was her at her most vulnerable. This version of her was and always had been reserved solely for Jill O’Brien. ”Ally killed herself. David, killed himself. I have no doubt, at all, that Quinton mouthed off to Charlie and that got him killed. You didn’t do any of that. Not alone. I did that. Viv did that. Lanie, Beau, Principal Paine? The entire fucking universe did all that. We’re all fucking monsters. Jilly, I cast spells in my spare time. And if you’re a monster I summoned, then I will never ever let you fucking go because, you absolute mental patient, you fucking complete me.”
Those brown eyes were certainly melting. Jillian always had explanations for everything in high school, but there was one that when Olivia or Kat asked her, she never truly had an answer for: Why, when she helped confirm that so many other outcasts would stay trapped in the caste system, did she keep fighting to make sure Mei Ramsey stayed out of that same set of boxes? Even when she wasn't following her heart to its true north heading, Mei was always a part of her life. No exceptions. There were thoughts swirling as answers in her mind, but they wouldn't do any good trapped in that battered brain. They needed to be released. Even in the presence of her fellow Puffs.
"Mayday…" Jill finally started. "Your eyes give me hope. Freedom. The thought that with a simple flick, there is something coming that may be unexpected, but it will always be worthwhile. I loved that. Love that." She had to correct herself. That mischief certainly wasn't gone. "I still do. Your scars give me resolve, even when my own seem so overwhelming to deal with. The thought of losing that fire even for a moment drove me here. Your artwork gives me joy, seeing it in whatever medium you choose, including your own skin. Hopefully soon mine as well. Your hands give me courage, knowing that when I'm in trouble, battling whatever I am battling, there's a second pair as backup, waiting for a chance to get in there and lay some hits. Even if they need to be used against me. The tears were still flowing against the palm mark on her face, but Jill couldn't feel it for a second. The emotions were too strong. Emotions that were shoved aside for too long but were now overflowing again, like their first confession to each other. She was still in Mei's hands, but her own were now firmly rested on the dark-haired girl's shoulders. "Your body gives me comfort, finding that warmth you don't say is in there, but I know it is. Your brain gives me everything I need, even before I know I need it. And your lips…" Jill leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on those painted lips, tasting the mixed tears on both their faces, a salty blast of the emotional tea being spilled between the two. The redhead pulled back after a couple of seconds. "Those lips give me life. In so many ways." The woman who just delivered a university-level soliloquy, at least in her mind, let her head collapse against her lover's body. "I'm sorry, Mei. I'm sorry for everything. For causing you pain, for stealing and wasting the vodka, and I'm sorry for making you wait for this."
”Well now you’re just getting sappy. Toughen up cupcake.” Mei smiled from ear to ear. She knew that with those words Jill would be ok. Perhaps not right away or any time soon but she would get there and the young Ramsey would help her. Maybe once all was said and done, Jill could attend a few sessions with Mei’s mother? She knew that if anyone else could get through to the once and former foundling it would be Shannon. As much as she hated to admit it, Mei’s mom had a talent for getting in peoples heads and hearts. ”I’ve got you, baby. I’m never going to let you go. No matter how much of a pain in the ass you are.”
Jill didn’t want to move her head from Mei’s shoulder in that moment. She wanted to cling to her liferaft, keeping her safe above the waves. “I’m sorry, I’m going to keep being a pain in the ass. I… drank too much of that vodka before it hit the ground. I’m going to need a ride home… and then a ride back here tomorrow to grab the car again.”
Mei’s dark eyes shot around the Powerpuffs that had guided her Jill through the fog and into her arms. ”Thank you both for helping her. It means absolutely everything.” The tattoo artist's words were dripping with sincerity before her face scrunched up once more. ”Say anything about this to anyone we don’t want you to and I’ll kick both your asses and fuck you with some garden shears. Am I clear?”
Jill finally lifted her head and looked back and forth to her two friends, one online, one often busy, but both here in the moment, filling roles she didn’t know she needed refilled, but appreciated nonetheless. “That’s just Mei speak for thank you very much… but seriously, don’t tell anyone. She does not keep those garden shears clean.”
At this point, Mara went from attentive and focused to exasperated and irritated. Picking herself up, seeing the mud spots on her jeans, she gave her best winning smile, “No problem. Clearly I’m just like my cousin, Kylee.” A little passive aggressive. She needed to tone it down. “Sorry… jet lag and all. On that note, I’ll see you lovers later,” Mara dismissed herself, not one for physical touch. Instead, she nodded at Jillian and her girlfriend before leading the charge, clearly uncomfortable from the massive display of PDA.
“Vivian? You coming? I want to play tennis,” the Mayor’s niece said matter-of-factly, not slowing down for anyone. One could say Amaranth Harding was not someone who simply rested. No, she had to do as much as she could before she decided to call it a day. She was on a plane for hours and did not feel productive. At most she was able to write her paper for an online summer course but other than that? Nothing. She was dreadfully behind and it stressed her out.
Seeing and hearing and watching how Jillian had someone like Mei to hold her hand as she walked out of her own abyss brought a smile to Viv's face but also just a little jealousy. She wanted that kind of romance. The kind where when she was down, she could have someone that would hold her hand like that. Someone to call her out on her own stupidity. However, that didn’t change how utterly happy and relieved she was that Jill had someone so perfect for her like Mei Ramsay. She found her person and she knew she would find hers. Some day. “I’ll text you later, Jill.” She gave the redhead a smile that lingers for a few moments as Jillian returned a nod.
And then Viv immediately tagged along with Mara when she could sense her eyes staring into the back of her head. She couldn’t explain it but that’s just how Mara was. “Yeah I’m coming! Can we stop by my place before? Kinda wanna change out of this—” She stopped herself , thinking about the possibility that Dawn might be at their apartment. “— Or I can just stay in what I have on.” She walked into the abyss with Mara and Jill and yet the wrath of her big sister still made her tremble more.
“We can stop at the Manor. I need to change into my tennis wear anyways, I have several if you want to keep any. Like the pink one, I know how much you love pink. Or pastels in general.”
She giggled. “That’d be great! You’ve always had the better taste for anything physical related. Most of mine isn’t even that well-equipped for tennis.” The two left the Lake area, their work done.
With the departure of the Puffs, Mei moved herself out of the mud and water and dropped down on Jill’s side where Mara once sat. Posh Spice had a warm ass. Before turning to her girlfriend, the goth goddess tied her choker back around her neck. It had been nearly forty eight hours since Mei had slept. Between drinking and dancing, hosting the Midnight Frequency to training and helping Jilly prep for her interview with the strange entrepreneur they met under the neon of the Afterlife, the Ramsey girl had finally started to feel the crash. She leaned back, her palms digging into the mud behind her, her dark eyes looking at the redhead she loved. ”If you want, we can try and get you some sessions with my Mom. If you think that’ll help?”
As Jill saw her distant friend and her sunshine friend depart together, she felt the adrenaline start to come down a little. Her emotions were starting to return to their usual balance. It wasn't a great balance, but it was better than it was over the last year. As Mei sat upright, Jillian could see the toll that the last two days was taking on her girlfriend. And yet she was still trying to find solutions. Jill had to do more for her.
The redhead nods as she looks into those pools of black. "Yeah," she agrees. "That might be something… I need. Hopefully there is a steep family discount on sessions." She nervously laughs. Therapy was not something that was talked about in her family. Her father was adamant that a lot of mental health issues were hogwash and excuses. Of course, it was the physical health that ended up being his problem. "I trust your mom, so it should be OK. But I need you do something for me tonight."
“I need you to get some sleep, love. The last two days have been rough, and I know they have been rough on you, but it's been rougher watching you try and be a freaking superwoman when it's just not possible to pull off. Trust me. I miss having you in bed with me. I want you to take the night off and get some sleep. I can host the Frequency for you. I've heard enough songs that I am starting to get a good ear for them. Lauren Babic's new one totally slaps."
A smile from Mei Ramsey had to be earned. It was reserved for the rare few and Jillian O’Brien. From their days in the sandbox, to slipping each other notes in Beau’s class and shaking their tight asses at basketball players at Celtic games, Mei always had a smile for Jill. ”That it definitely does.” The dark priestess moved her hand to lace with her lovers. ”You know me babe, can’t stop won’t stop until I’m dead and even then that’s pushing it. But for you…” Mei gently kissed Jill’s shoulder and turned to look at the dark lake. ”I’ll do my best but let’s not worry about that right now. We’re here, we’re together. Just be with me, you fucking slut. Just be with me right now. Tomorrow can be tomorrow’s fucking problem.”
Tomorrow. Jillian O’Brien was a half-pint of cheap vodka and a few muddy steps away from having no tomorrow. And 30 minutes ago, she would have welcomed the prospect. But with her girlfriend… her partner, leaning against her, finding solace in just the touch of her body, she couldn’t be selfish enough to deny Miss Midnight her pillow, her rock… her everything. Mei said it herself. Even knowing the monster that high-school Jill was, she stepped up against the ghosts’ siren song. Her friends did too. She still had them. “All right, Mei. In the words of Avril Lavigne, I’m with you. I’m with you. I’m with you.” She softly sang the last two, knowing it would probably get a rise out of her significant other. But that could also be another problem for another time. For now, to quote another song from the Canadian songstress, she had her head above water… and maybe there will be a meeting at an altar in the future. At the very least, she would fall down on her knees for this woman.
“You know I’m playing Avril tonight, right?”
Mei was scared of only a few things. Losing Jill was the top of that list and had been for as long as she could remember. She was only seconded by the loss of her family, clowns and the destruction of everything she had worked so hard to build for herself in her few short years on the Goddess’ planet Earth. ”If I wake up and you’ve played Avril, I am going to drown you in this lake my own Damn self.” the Midnight girl teased her lover before planting a soft kiss on her pale cheek.
"Says the woman who Wonderwall'd her audience," Ashes giggled and fired back.
For years together, Mei Ramsey and Jill O’Brien were known as fierce and unstoppable forces of nature. Recently, the jagged sword they once wielded had been filled by pain and suffering of their own. No more. It was time to sharpen their blades again and show Edenridge that they hadn’t gone soft. That despite the sadness they carried that they would not allow the Hellmouth to swallow them up like it had so many others. Not Jill and Not Mei. They would burn this town to the fucking ground before they were done.
”This place ain’t ready for us yet, baby.”
"It doesn't matter if this place is ready for us or not. I am."
However, it was the confirmation that David’s lover wasn’t part of the doomed chorus of the lake that led to the lost soul on the grassy shore to contemplate joining that harem of the damned. While Caitlin Cleary unburdened her soul of a secret that was years in the making, the additional weight on the psyche of Jillian O’Brien drove the girl back to the cursed waters. A bottle was present in her hand, a pint of Russian Prince that had been conspicuously thrown in the back during one of her many trips to the convenience store during her time back at her parents place. It had survived in the trunk of the CR-V, had a stay in the apartment on the shelf for a bit, but it was ever present, as if it was waiting for its chance to lure the redhead back into the drink. Now that Jillian was in the state she was in, the prince had the opportunity.
The former head Clover had her knees tucked up under her chin, one arm wrapped around her legs, the other gripping that vodka bottle for dear life like a tether to reality. And yet, it could easily be her portal to the land beyond. “If I drain this… I could walk into the lake and not feel it. My tolerance has to have gone down since I haven’t been drinking all the time. David had to have done it the same way. It would be apt. It’s what this town wants…” The dark thoughts that had emerged with a vengeance during her self-pity party while listening to the broadcast were now crushing her, forcing her to consider a path that promised the end of the pain. Even the months spent with her new girlfriend weren’t present on her mind at the moment. Just the desire to pay for her perceived crimes, serving as her own pitchfork-wielding mob.
Her vehicle remained stationed at the end of Scott Street, some residents possibly remembering it from when it was regularly parked two houses down at the Madden residence during the better part of a year. Olivia was one of the people on Jill’s mind at the moment. “You’d be with them again. Liv. Kat. Ally. Dad. They must all be stuck there. You can help them. You can’t do it here. You can’t atone for what you did. You can't apologize to those you hurt.” She looked up at the surface of the water and swore she could see the shadows of David and Karen, as well as a little girl in pigtails dressed in white that she couldn’t place. All seemed to be trying to help her find the solution.
Jill looked at the bottle again. Russian Prince wasn’t the best choice to go out on, but it would probably work. What did it matter in the end? She twisted off the plastic cap and took a long swig. She wasn't as great at handling straight vodka, especially since she had been on sodas and beers for the better part of the last few months and Russian Prince tastes exactly like the price you pay for it, but she was managing, downing a few shots worth of liquid with ease. Unfortunately, drinking alcohol was like riding a bicycle. You never forget how to do it if you really want to pick it back up. She looks out over the water, focused on her own final process. "I'm coming soon, girls." Another sip to chase the first followed.
“Where are we going?” A soothing yet regal voice broke the coldness in the atmosphere, piercing the veil. Not too long ago, Amaranth Harding had landed on American soil, where her cousins, Kennedy and Lincoln, picked her and her sister up. She had texted her girls immediately to tell them she got to Boston safely. When Jill didn’t respond, a deep-seated feeling began to boil inside her, making her incredibly uneasy. She called her and texted her once more.
To some this would’ve been seen as silly. To worry about someone the moment you land after an incredibly long flight. Mara would like to think she knew her friends and when Jill didn’t acknowledge her message, giving a thumbs up or sending an emoji at least, she knew something was wrong. Distance gave them a reason to hold each other accountable with communication. The fact that Mara didn’t live in America gave Vivian and Jillian more of a reason to keep her updated with their lives. She tried her best to be available to them and she knew if she needed them, they’d be ready with open arms.
Luck seemed to be on her side when she saw a familiar car near the Madden house. She frowned knowingly. Jill reminded her so much of her mother. Her mother to this day struggles with the monsters of her past. What makes now different than then is she has a support system in the form of her band and two reasons that gave her strength to fight one more day. Two daughters to live for. If not for herself, certainly for her daughters. Evelyn Harding was an ethereal woman, who once upon a time was ice cold to all those that tried to connect with her. Underneath all the ice, all the beauty and magic, was unbearable sadness and unruly individuals trying to control her every move. That was her mother in a nutshell and that’s what she gathered simply by watching and listening.
On pure intuition, Mara knew her friend was in the process of relapsing. Something happened that felt too heavy to bear or carry on her own. Something happened that forced her back into her dark place, with no visible exit door. While Mara knew she wasn’t the person that could get her out of the dark, that seemed more like a Mei job, she could sit with her and help her feel a little less alone. “It’s good to see you, Jill,” Mara added when she didn’t get an immediate response. Cautiously, she took a step forward but not too close. She didn’t want to breach Jill’s bubble, not without her permission. When she was away from the woods and close enough to her friend that she didn’t need to project her voice as much, the raven-haired girl politely offered, “Mind if I sit with you?”
Jill probably shouldn’t have been shocked as she was to hear a voice behind her while starting the process, but to hear a voice without the static of a microphone or the aggravating tone of a FaceTime disconnection was at first puzzling, but then at least something consoling. In all the misery of the Dear David discussions, she had forgotten that Amaranth Harding was coming to Eden.
She should have remembered. When she divulged to Mei that she was friends with the daughter of Eve, one of the founding members of East of Eden, Miss Midnight glowed like the brightest noon at the prospect of access to one of the most progressive rock bands in English history. She knew some of the inside stuff from Mara's recent conversations. How her mom and her best friend Bex Crosby would spend hours binging to numb the sensations while she tried to get through school. Despite the warnings, Jillian followed the same path of destruction.
Another person I owe an apology to.
Mara certainly looked like she fit in with this newer version of Jill as opposed to the high-school edition she first had contact with. All Jill could do for the first few moments was look over at her while the vodka stung the inside of her mouth before it was swallowed. Finally, the redhead gasped for air and spoke. "I don't mind." Jill motioned to the grassy seat next to her. She dug her phone out of her thrift-store purse and saw the notifications in there. "I guess I missed your grand entry back into America. I'm sorry about that." A shorter sip from the bottle follows to ease the pangs of the opening apology. "How the hell did you find me?"
“A premonition, like That’s So Raven,” Amaranth joked as she knelt down, sitting perfectly erect on her legs and knees. She didn’t impose or correct her friend’s behavior. Drinking, that is. The addiction that she personally didn’t partake in because of her mother. She hated alcohol and what it did to the people she loved but she knew that was her opinion and some people truly did enjoy it in moderation. Some people could control their impulses.
The more time someone spends with the eldest Harding, the more they realize that Mara isn’t as stuck up, uptight and shrewd as most people assume. She was confident and assertive, sure, but beneath all that, beneath the natural born leader she would one day be, she was a tender, loving and caring soul, who felt deeply and loved with all her heart. That’s why she didn’t open up easily. She knew once she gave pieces of her heart away, there was no turning back. These individuals would forever be part of her and if they wanted to, they could hurt her because she opened up to them, being her true, authentic and vulnerable self. They could hurt her badly and it would be her fault because she let them in. Even with that knowledge, Mara knew there was no point in fearing the unknown. If it comes to it and she loses people along the way, she has faith she will have someone there to lean her head on. If not her friends, she would always have her mother and sister. “In all seriousness, I saw your car. That led me to Mrs. Cortez which led me here. Easier to find you on Scott Street than anywhere else in Eden, I imagine.”
That line got a laugh out of the O'Brien girl. Ever since Liv and Kat were taken, Scott Street hadn't felt like home. It never had. The O'Briens were always the odd ones out of the founding families, staying on the Loop nearer the common people, but close enough to keep in touch with the elite. However, her beef with the Belmontes left the Maddens as the only link, and losing Liv meant losing the reason to be on Scott. "Easier maybe, but unlikely. Of course, I don't know how many people are going to be looking for a monster like me." Another put-down to her soul brought another sip. "I'm surprised you were willing to look. Almost wish you didn't find me."
“And if I didn’t find you, what would you do? Kill yourself?” Mara replied rather bluntly. There was no malice in her words. There never was. Not toward Jill. Not toward Vivian. Those two got hard truths but it was always laced with undoubtable love. “You remind me so much of my mother…” The dark haired beauty admitted. “Every time I think she gets better, something happens that makes her want to forget all the pain.” Like her father dying. “I will never claim to understand you but I will speak for myself and say, you are not a monster. Sure you have monsters living inside you, I do too, but if you were a monster do you think I would’ve come all this way just to be here with you?” Mara caught Jill’s gaze, as she held her hands together. They rested on her lap. The sun soaked her olive skin while she felt the dampness in the grass. She could tell there was a storm recently. The night before. It was a beautiful day to be sad. A beautiful day to be sad with company.
Sighing deeply, Mara shook her head, firmly disagreeing with her friend’s nonsense, “Monsters embrace the self they shouldn’t enjoy, but do, and yet you want to drown yourself. Is that really what monsters do?”
The fact that her plan was so transparent to someone who had to be jet lagged from the transatlantic flight made Jillian at least drop the hand holding the bottle to her side as opposed to continuously locking lips with it. In that moment, it was tough to feel anything but more shame. Not the remnants of the rain soaking through the small black pair of cotton shorts, nor the slight breeze rustling the oversized white tank failing to hide the neon pink bra underneath. Just a friend calling her out within 10 minutes of sitting down.
"If they know just how much of a monster they are, maybe," she replied sullenly before looking up at Mara, the red under her eyes matching the jacket of the frowning man on the bottle of alcohol. "I hurt so many people, Mara. I said so many things. I was so caught up in myself I ignored people killing themselves and hurting themselves, while I just spread lies and cared about my social status. And for what? In the end, I couldn't even protect someone inside of me!" Jillian stares back over the dark waters, finally taking another sip of the vodka. "I know that you weren't here for the stuff I didn't talk about online, but I did a lot of horrible things. I don't think I can make up for the pain I inflicted on this community, and I can't take the karma that's coming back on me. It's too much." The redhead finally meets Mara's gaze again, the tears starting again. "So what's wrong with making everyone else's life easier and getting rid of the problem?"
Her hand was shaking, as if she knew it was a bad idea, but the pressure in Jill's head was overwhelming at that point. A part of her knows that it isn't the answer. It's just a final way to inflict hurt on those who dared get too close to the toxic Clover. But as she told Marco all those nights ago, she just couldn't be that support structure any more. Not with so many scars on her soul.
While she didn’t say anything immediately, Amaranth did grab her friend’s shaking hand, cupping it in between hers. Like she had said earlier, there were some things she couldn’t understand even if she tried, like losing a child and having to live with that grief. Mara, however, could understand doing bad deeds and spending your life making up for it. Neither Jill nor Viv knew how Mara was at school. All they knew at first was her online persona and when their friendship blossomed, she was reformed and doing better. Trying to at least.
Her dad would say that Grimms preferred the dark but he believed, God willing, that people, regardless of their namesake, could become more than their circumstances. Foundling or no foundling. Money or no money. We choose to take all the bad and turn it into good. We choose our path, and learn through experience, that walking forward isn’t always in a straight line. Sometimes you have to backtrack because there’s a better turn to take. Jill couldn’t protect her daughter because she was pushed down the stairs. She blamed herself when it was obvious who was to blame. What Mara could relate to was using her words to harm. She did and she knew it got someone to commit suicide, right at her campus. She knew the person too and their ghost will forever haunt her, until the day she dies. That was her burden to bear. It was her sin to confess and ask forgiveness for. It was her grief to live with to become a better person. “Easy for who? Me? The fuck it is.” the usually polite Harding brought out her aunty Bex, the grace flying out the window as she firmly held her friend’s hand. “I don’t think that gets rid of the problem. Not really. That’s just you choosing the easy way out.”
The grip on Jill's hand and the swear word flying from Mara's lips jolted her back slightly towards reality. However, it wasn't enough to bring the O'Brien girl back from the edge just yet. "Then what do I do, Mara? What can I do to make this up to people? How the fuck do I undo the damage I did?"
For a few minutes, Vivian Lucasta was just standing from a distance. Not that she meant to be a creeper, but when she got the text that Mara sent and when she took her lunch break under the impression that Dawn would expect her back within the hour she had, there was a high chance that she wouldn’t be. She didn’t even go home to change into something that wasn’t her uniform. It was all kinds of pink (not that Vivian minded one bit). The urgency that was in Mara’s text was one of those situations where she knew she couldn’t waste time picking out an outfit or worry about how she stood out. All she could do was drive her ass to the lake. And when she did, Vivian was the silent witness to the whole exchange, her heart breaking more and more the longer it went on, yet she was almost frozen until she wasn’t.
“You don’t need to do anything!” The blonde abruptly shouted, taking steps forward. There was some part of her that thought if it would be best to take slow steps or if she should proceed with caution, but Vivian wasn’t that kind of friend. She respected boundaries, of course, but Jillian needed her. She needed to know she was loved and that nothing that may have happened in the past is her fault. So she didn’t even think as she took a place on the opposite side Mara was and took Jill’s hand, squeezed it and literally clung to it, hugging it as the blonde needed one of her two best friends in this world to know just how much she was cared about.
“You don’t need to do anything because you have nothing to feel guilty about, Jill! We all love you so much and no matter what, we are going to be here for you through it all!” Her voice was cracking, full of emotions and love for Jill. She was a hot mess with that and tears falling down her face. Vivian never was able to keep her emotions in check. Not when she got her heart broken by Lucky Quinn and especially not when one of two of her best friends in this world needed her.
If Mara was the whisper in the wind that started calling Jill back from the bottom of the lake, Viv Lucasta was definitely the gale force blast trying to push her back from the depths. She came in like a hurricane to the other side of the redhead, dropping the bottle from Jill's hand and spilling the contents on the ground like the Russian Prince's blood a hundred years ago. Jillian never even saw her coming, the pink blur suddenly at her side as red as she was. A cursory glance could confirm that. Vivian was one of the most empathetic people she knew. Capable of blasting a room with sunshine, and yet shouldering the burden of someone's emotional stone instantly. Looking from the blonde Bubbles shedding tears like Niagara to the raven-haired Buttercup cursing and pledging confidence, she felt like a broken Blossom sitting there, a leader with no ability to take control.
The tears were still flowing on her end as well. "I… I have to do something, Viv," Jill sobbed. "I can't… I can't make it up to the people I hurt. I can't tell David I'm sorry… or Quinton… or Ally. Shit, even the people that are alive, I'm not even sure I can apologize. Would Caitlin even listen to me, let alone forgive me? I…am so useless."
Vivian was absolutely gutted hearing Jill blame herself for things that, for everyone knew, weren’t even her fault. She hated not being able to just hug the pain away. But she also understood some part of it all. She hugged her ginger bestie’s arm even tighter, her tears falling on the girl’s pale skin. She hugged so tight that a thought of accidentally snapping it off entered her mind. “You’re not useless! You’re not, Jill!” She muttered somewhat clearly, her voice rich with the raw emotions she was feeling. “Who we were in high school doesn’t define the person we are now. If it did, well just ask Mara.” The bubbling mess of a blonde looked at Mara. “I would be a naive, boy crazy fool who couldn’t spot a red flag even if I was a bull from Spain.” She thought about who she was and who she would have been if she never met Mara and Jillian when she did. The trajectory of her life was different now.
“And I wouldn’t have been friends with either of you two,” Mara admitted, not looking at them as she spoke. She still held Jill’s hand but she was staring off at the lake, dissociating, lost in her own mind and the events that transpired prior to her arriving in Edenridge. “Jill, if you’re going to hell, I’m going with you.” She could see her family, Eve and Aster, and how much her father’s death severed the bonds they had together. She knew her mom meant well, as did her sister, but it did hurt to see all the people around her drowning. She needed to be strong for them, which also meant she needed to own up to her own wrongdoings. “I was raised with a silver spoon, and I knew I was better than everyone. I suppose you two are more fortunate to have gone to public school. Private school is an entirely different beast.”
Glancing over to her two friends, both deeply shattered because of their own personal experiences, Viv letting boys steal pieces of her soul, Jill blaming herself for the sins of her family, her ex and this town, she searched their eyes for connection, a silent way of saying she wasn’t doing okay herself but she was trying, for them, “Up until I met you two, I wasn’t a good person. I don’t talk much about my life outside of the band, my sister and my dad. Or well, when he was alive I talked about him, like how when we traveled we would throw a dart on a map to decide our next destination. Small things like that. I find the simplicity of what you two go through far more interesting than my life. I will never claim to be good.” She squeezed Jill’s hand, understanding her more than she’d ever realize.
“But I do know I’m actively trying to be better. I am who I am, no excuses. What I can control is what I do from this point on, if not for myself, then for you two, and all those who would be at my funeral. You understand, Jill?” Mara sharply gazed at the redhead. She wasn’t going to promise her life will get better. What she will say is if she changed the way she thought and the things she did have control over, like forcing herself to apologize to those she felt she wronged, then that is a start. All she needed to do was start somewhere and from there the rest will fall into place. She already did. She just didn’t see it. Jillian O’Brien was changing. She was reflecting on her past, she wasn’t constantly turning to the bottle and she smiled more, she was open to talk, she was receiving the love given to her and not hiding from it, afraid to get hurt. That was likely all thanks to Mei Ramsey.
Jill was still crying as this was going on, the salty tears rimming the vodka cocktail swirling in the mud. At her lowest point, it felt like she had no friends in the world. That there were more enemies and blank faces than allies. Certainly post-Ally. Most definitely after hitting the post of the Barrie staircase. There was even that time when she wasn't sure if Mei was just tolerating her presence as thanks for the support in the high school wars. But the high-school era Jillian O'Brien was never truly coming back. There would be bits and pieces brought forth, but never the alpha queen that ruled the class. That was a rule of fear. Machiavelli said it was better to be feared than loved, but once no one is afraid of you, and there is no love to fill that void, it becomes clear that all that's left is the darkness.
Even as Jillian figured that being a ghost was all that's left, it was amazing that the friends that she swore she never would forget had to remind her there was still a reason for that body to reject the sickness. Hell, they drained their hearts to make sure she wasn't joining the dead.
Today had forced her to relive the past through new eyes and she hated every bit of what she saw. And the memories of the past few years usually drove her to the drink for all the wrong reasons. But Viv and Mara were more recent additions to her friend circle, and while she didn't consider them as part of her support system, they were definitely pulling their weight now.
"I think so," Jill finally confirms. "I know I'm not the person I was in high school. But what am I? Just a waitress then? I don't know what else I can do. I can't erase the past. I don't know what I do for the future." Her hands tense against her friends' own. "I don't know if I can go back to school, or if I'm just going to be working and stuck here. I know you think your mom traveling around is rough, but I am so jealous of being able to do that, Mara. Shit, if Mei and I, if she still wants me, if we…" Jill's mind was racing way too far in the future now. It was an improvement but she still had to shake her head to get herself back into reality. "Sorry, emotions and shit. Mara, I'm sorry I made you run out here right after a 12-hour flight, and Viv, I'm sorry I made you… clearly ditch work. I… appreciate the help with the pain."
Vivian vehemently shook her head. “Don’t even sweat it, Jilly! This was more important. Besides!” She couldn’t help but become a little giddy thinking about her excuse of getting out of work. “I took my lunch break! I’m sure Dawn hasn’t even noticed I’ve been gone…though, it’s probably swamped right about now…” As painful as it was here, she just knew her big sister would have some words for her whenever she returned, be it at their apartment or when she returned a couple hours later than she was supposed to…
"At least you have people who might be noticing you're gone," Jill noted. "And who want you back for good reasons. That was part of why I was out here. I didn't think I'd be missed."
”Bitch, you better be fucking joking!” Mei had heard enough. Standing directly behind the Powerpuff Girls with her hands on her hips and tears in her eyes, the goth girl’s face was paler than normal, incensed by what she was hearing. When she had returned home from the studio after Caitlin’s confession, she found the apartment empty and more specifically, her shelf of liquor missing a certain Russian prince. Mei knew better than anyone that the Czar was Jillian’s drink of choice when it came time to fall into the depths of her wallowing soul. This was why when she saw it was missing that she immediately tracked Jill’s phone to the shores of Eden lake. The Wiccan girl immediately hopped into the Comet and sped with reckless abandon to Scott Street and the cut back between the O’Hara and Cleary homes.
Mei stormed a circle around the trio until she stood before them, the cold water that housed a thousand lost souls beneath its surface washing away at her Doc Martens. “You really think I wouldn’t miss you?” The dark priestess wanted to feel disbelief but she knew better. She knew that Jill had demons that even she couldn’t fight away, not with magic or words. She hoped her love would be enough. “Jillybean.” Mei dropped to her knees in front of her Ashes and could feel the vodka and tears mixture seep between the gaps in her fishnet tights. She placed her hands on Jill’s pale face as she looked into her big brown eyes. “You’re a fucking cunt!” With an almighty wallop, Miss Midnight slapped her girlfriend square in the face. As she did she shot the other Puffs a menacing look, daring them to try and intervene.
“Get your fucking head out of your ass. Jill O’Brien, I have loved you since our days in the fucking sandbox. I have been with you every day, giving you everything, every part of me. And you have the audacity to say you wouldn't be missed? I should kick your beautiful stupid sexy fat fucking ass!” Mei could feel the warm salted tears begin to well up as she ripped away the choker she always wore around her neck to reveal the large scar on her throat. “Everyday I wake up and I look in the mirror and I see this. And I go back to that day. I go back and I remember that as I lay in a pool of my own fucking blood, I remember thinking, ‘I hope Jill got out’. I remember Roddy fucking Callahan pulling my ass out of that room and asking him ‘Is Jill ok?’ Don’t you dare, ever, say that you won’t be missed. Cos the only reason I didn’t die is because I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from you.”
Well, that’s one way to get Jill to listen. Amaranth released Jill’s hand so that she was free from her grasp and able to react in whatever way she pleased. She sat there quietly, adjusting herself so that she was no longer on her knees but sitting sideways. She watched this storm of a woman come whirling in to give her girlfriend a wake up call. Mara tilted her head, observing the lover’s quarrel. She smiled to herself, recalling her parents. Evelyn Harding and George Grimm. They were passionate lovers. George would never hesitate to remind Eve why she mattered, even if his words weren’t always the softest. He loved her with all his heart and would never let her fall, even if sometimes it did take a toll on him. He loved her and now he is gone. If Jill couldn’t live for friends, perhaps she could live for love. Not many people are as lucky to have a girlfriend like Mei Ramsey. Not many people are as lucky to be in a relationship. Not many people are as lucky to understand how it feels to love and be loved in return. Jill was lucky. Mara hoped she saw how lucky she was.
Like the hurricane she was, when Mei Ramsay had come rushing in, Vivian felt all of those familiar feelings of her muscles tensing up. Mei was sweet and a force, but this was Vivian's own reaction to aggression in general. She never did well with it and for one reason or another (mostly following Mara’s suit), she released her tight, clinging grasp on Jill’s other arm and stood up, dusting whatever particles ruined her work uniform. Jillian meant so much to them all. She was loved by them all. Mei was just the kind of abrasive, in-your-face reminder of that. Vivian just hoped and prayed on her metaphorical knees that Jill could see that.
Jill should have expected this would happen. Mei was never one to take perceived slights lightly, and listening to her chastise her for her abrupt trip to the lake was proper punishment. Even the vicious slap to the face, adding her cheek to the blotchy red skin around her eyes, was warranted in Jill's eyes. That passion that defined Miss Midnight was always there, and she was going to take what she deserved, world be damned.
But Jill still didn't know how or why she was at the top of that list. The scar on Mei's neck was a grisly reminder of the pain of that day, when she knew she lost two of her friends and very nearly lost what would eventually be the whole pack. Hearing Mei confirm that her thoughts weren't to her family as Roddy dragged her away, but to Jill's queen-bitch entitled ass? Even back then?
"Mei," the redhead finally spoke, soft enough for all three of them to barely hear it over the rustling wind. "Why do you love me?" She could probably leave it there and hope for an answer but the efforts of Vivian and Amaranth had only gotten Jill to around 60% of her restored levels of confidence post-Carlisle Street. "You say you've loved me since we were kids, but I was a horrible child. Like you said, my head gets so far up my own ass, I can't see anything else. I tried to solve other people's problems, but only when it served me. I destroyed so many lives with a casual flick. I ignored Ally's problems, blinded by hero worship. I made Quinton even more of an outcast. I shoved so many beneath me into the depths of the social pool. I drove CeCe away. I… helped push David into that lake… " She couldn't bear to look her girlfriend in the face. "...And I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same to the senior who fucked you when you were a freshman."
When Mei made the admission on air, Jill didn't have to think all that long and hard about who the likely candidate was for that relationship. It didn't take a Kylee-level investigation to figure out that as Allison Davies was a guiding figure in Jill's cheerleading career, Mei had found her senior soul sister in the darkness when Sabrina Aviles took her under her raven wing. United in magic, death and rock music. High school Jillian would have loved to take a shot at denting that family's seemingly impervious armor. Sabrina would have been burned at the stake, and honestly, she probably would have enjoyed it if it wasn't metaphorical. But that was just a sign that the monster Jill sought to slay still dwelled within to a point.
"Mei, I ignored you for all those years, oblivious to the full scope of your feelings while being so hyper focused on Danny and the rotating cast of guys and Mike. Fucking Mike. I ran my way through the male roster of Edenridge High, running away from any feelings that being 'outside the norm' could make me happy. Even after everything, hitting rock bottom and watching you drag me back up from hell, I doubted. I doubted the power of your love because I can only think of my own pain. You can argue that I've hurt you the most of anyone in this town. So why, Mei?" Jill finally looked Miss Midnight in the eyes, blurs obscuring both visions as the tears continue to cascade to soothe the pain of the slap and try to wash the emotions away. Her voice held no anger like her partner, just a weary disbelief at the world. "Why do you love an absolute monster like me?"
”Why do I love you?” Mei repeated her girlfriend's words as she couldn’t hide the knives that Jill was stabbing onto her heart. Q had always been a sore spot for the DJ and even to this day she worshiped the ground that Sabrina walked on. She was under no illusions about the type of person Jill was back then and had no qualms with telling her as much but Mei herself was no saint either. ”Why do I love you?” She said again before forcefully grabbing a tight hold of Jillian’s face. ”Let me count the fucking ways. How about because every time I look into those beautiful brown eyes my entire world melts away? And all that’s left inside of me is a warmth and a desire that literally leaves me breathing only for you?
The inner rage that was sweeping through the midnight girl like previous night's torrential storm was palpable. ”Or maybe it’s the fact that my entire life I have tried to be alternative and different and the weirdest fucking twat in the room and in spite of all that, even at your prissiest bitchiest, you were the only person that supported me? Ally? Reagan? Don’t make me laugh.” Mei couldn’t stop the tears now, this was her at her most vulnerable. This version of her was and always had been reserved solely for Jill O’Brien. ”Ally killed herself. David, killed himself. I have no doubt, at all, that Quinton mouthed off to Charlie and that got him killed. You didn’t do any of that. Not alone. I did that. Viv did that. Lanie, Beau, Principal Paine? The entire fucking universe did all that. We’re all fucking monsters. Jilly, I cast spells in my spare time. And if you’re a monster I summoned, then I will never ever let you fucking go because, you absolute mental patient, you fucking complete me.”
Those brown eyes were certainly melting. Jillian always had explanations for everything in high school, but there was one that when Olivia or Kat asked her, she never truly had an answer for: Why, when she helped confirm that so many other outcasts would stay trapped in the caste system, did she keep fighting to make sure Mei Ramsey stayed out of that same set of boxes? Even when she wasn't following her heart to its true north heading, Mei was always a part of her life. No exceptions. There were thoughts swirling as answers in her mind, but they wouldn't do any good trapped in that battered brain. They needed to be released. Even in the presence of her fellow Puffs.
"Mayday…" Jill finally started. "Your eyes give me hope. Freedom. The thought that with a simple flick, there is something coming that may be unexpected, but it will always be worthwhile. I loved that. Love that." She had to correct herself. That mischief certainly wasn't gone. "I still do. Your scars give me resolve, even when my own seem so overwhelming to deal with. The thought of losing that fire even for a moment drove me here. Your artwork gives me joy, seeing it in whatever medium you choose, including your own skin. Hopefully soon mine as well. Your hands give me courage, knowing that when I'm in trouble, battling whatever I am battling, there's a second pair as backup, waiting for a chance to get in there and lay some hits. Even if they need to be used against me. The tears were still flowing against the palm mark on her face, but Jill couldn't feel it for a second. The emotions were too strong. Emotions that were shoved aside for too long but were now overflowing again, like their first confession to each other. She was still in Mei's hands, but her own were now firmly rested on the dark-haired girl's shoulders. "Your body gives me comfort, finding that warmth you don't say is in there, but I know it is. Your brain gives me everything I need, even before I know I need it. And your lips…" Jill leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on those painted lips, tasting the mixed tears on both their faces, a salty blast of the emotional tea being spilled between the two. The redhead pulled back after a couple of seconds. "Those lips give me life. In so many ways." The woman who just delivered a university-level soliloquy, at least in her mind, let her head collapse against her lover's body. "I'm sorry, Mei. I'm sorry for everything. For causing you pain, for stealing and wasting the vodka, and I'm sorry for making you wait for this."
”Well now you’re just getting sappy. Toughen up cupcake.” Mei smiled from ear to ear. She knew that with those words Jill would be ok. Perhaps not right away or any time soon but she would get there and the young Ramsey would help her. Maybe once all was said and done, Jill could attend a few sessions with Mei’s mother? She knew that if anyone else could get through to the once and former foundling it would be Shannon. As much as she hated to admit it, Mei’s mom had a talent for getting in peoples heads and hearts. ”I’ve got you, baby. I’m never going to let you go. No matter how much of a pain in the ass you are.”
Jill didn’t want to move her head from Mei’s shoulder in that moment. She wanted to cling to her liferaft, keeping her safe above the waves. “I’m sorry, I’m going to keep being a pain in the ass. I… drank too much of that vodka before it hit the ground. I’m going to need a ride home… and then a ride back here tomorrow to grab the car again.”
Mei’s dark eyes shot around the Powerpuffs that had guided her Jill through the fog and into her arms. ”Thank you both for helping her. It means absolutely everything.” The tattoo artist's words were dripping with sincerity before her face scrunched up once more. ”Say anything about this to anyone we don’t want you to and I’ll kick both your asses and fuck you with some garden shears. Am I clear?”
Jill finally lifted her head and looked back and forth to her two friends, one online, one often busy, but both here in the moment, filling roles she didn’t know she needed refilled, but appreciated nonetheless. “That’s just Mei speak for thank you very much… but seriously, don’t tell anyone. She does not keep those garden shears clean.”
At this point, Mara went from attentive and focused to exasperated and irritated. Picking herself up, seeing the mud spots on her jeans, she gave her best winning smile, “No problem. Clearly I’m just like my cousin, Kylee.” A little passive aggressive. She needed to tone it down. “Sorry… jet lag and all. On that note, I’ll see you lovers later,” Mara dismissed herself, not one for physical touch. Instead, she nodded at Jillian and her girlfriend before leading the charge, clearly uncomfortable from the massive display of PDA.
“Vivian? You coming? I want to play tennis,” the Mayor’s niece said matter-of-factly, not slowing down for anyone. One could say Amaranth Harding was not someone who simply rested. No, she had to do as much as she could before she decided to call it a day. She was on a plane for hours and did not feel productive. At most she was able to write her paper for an online summer course but other than that? Nothing. She was dreadfully behind and it stressed her out.
Seeing and hearing and watching how Jillian had someone like Mei to hold her hand as she walked out of her own abyss brought a smile to Viv's face but also just a little jealousy. She wanted that kind of romance. The kind where when she was down, she could have someone that would hold her hand like that. Someone to call her out on her own stupidity. However, that didn’t change how utterly happy and relieved she was that Jill had someone so perfect for her like Mei Ramsay. She found her person and she knew she would find hers. Some day. “I’ll text you later, Jill.” She gave the redhead a smile that lingers for a few moments as Jillian returned a nod.
And then Viv immediately tagged along with Mara when she could sense her eyes staring into the back of her head. She couldn’t explain it but that’s just how Mara was. “Yeah I’m coming! Can we stop by my place before? Kinda wanna change out of this—” She stopped herself , thinking about the possibility that Dawn might be at their apartment. “— Or I can just stay in what I have on.” She walked into the abyss with Mara and Jill and yet the wrath of her big sister still made her tremble more.
“We can stop at the Manor. I need to change into my tennis wear anyways, I have several if you want to keep any. Like the pink one, I know how much you love pink. Or pastels in general.”
She giggled. “That’d be great! You’ve always had the better taste for anything physical related. Most of mine isn’t even that well-equipped for tennis.” The two left the Lake area, their work done.
With the departure of the Puffs, Mei moved herself out of the mud and water and dropped down on Jill’s side where Mara once sat. Posh Spice had a warm ass. Before turning to her girlfriend, the goth goddess tied her choker back around her neck. It had been nearly forty eight hours since Mei had slept. Between drinking and dancing, hosting the Midnight Frequency to training and helping Jilly prep for her interview with the strange entrepreneur they met under the neon of the Afterlife, the Ramsey girl had finally started to feel the crash. She leaned back, her palms digging into the mud behind her, her dark eyes looking at the redhead she loved. ”If you want, we can try and get you some sessions with my Mom. If you think that’ll help?”
As Jill saw her distant friend and her sunshine friend depart together, she felt the adrenaline start to come down a little. Her emotions were starting to return to their usual balance. It wasn't a great balance, but it was better than it was over the last year. As Mei sat upright, Jillian could see the toll that the last two days was taking on her girlfriend. And yet she was still trying to find solutions. Jill had to do more for her.
The redhead nods as she looks into those pools of black. "Yeah," she agrees. "That might be something… I need. Hopefully there is a steep family discount on sessions." She nervously laughs. Therapy was not something that was talked about in her family. Her father was adamant that a lot of mental health issues were hogwash and excuses. Of course, it was the physical health that ended up being his problem. "I trust your mom, so it should be OK. But I need you do something for me tonight."
“I need you to get some sleep, love. The last two days have been rough, and I know they have been rough on you, but it's been rougher watching you try and be a freaking superwoman when it's just not possible to pull off. Trust me. I miss having you in bed with me. I want you to take the night off and get some sleep. I can host the Frequency for you. I've heard enough songs that I am starting to get a good ear for them. Lauren Babic's new one totally slaps."
A smile from Mei Ramsey had to be earned. It was reserved for the rare few and Jillian O’Brien. From their days in the sandbox, to slipping each other notes in Beau’s class and shaking their tight asses at basketball players at Celtic games, Mei always had a smile for Jill. ”That it definitely does.” The dark priestess moved her hand to lace with her lovers. ”You know me babe, can’t stop won’t stop until I’m dead and even then that’s pushing it. But for you…” Mei gently kissed Jill’s shoulder and turned to look at the dark lake. ”I’ll do my best but let’s not worry about that right now. We’re here, we’re together. Just be with me, you fucking slut. Just be with me right now. Tomorrow can be tomorrow’s fucking problem.”
Tomorrow. Jillian O’Brien was a half-pint of cheap vodka and a few muddy steps away from having no tomorrow. And 30 minutes ago, she would have welcomed the prospect. But with her girlfriend… her partner, leaning against her, finding solace in just the touch of her body, she couldn’t be selfish enough to deny Miss Midnight her pillow, her rock… her everything. Mei said it herself. Even knowing the monster that high-school Jill was, she stepped up against the ghosts’ siren song. Her friends did too. She still had them. “All right, Mei. In the words of Avril Lavigne, I’m with you. I’m with you. I’m with you.” She softly sang the last two, knowing it would probably get a rise out of her significant other. But that could also be another problem for another time. For now, to quote another song from the Canadian songstress, she had her head above water… and maybe there will be a meeting at an altar in the future. At the very least, she would fall down on her knees for this woman.
“You know I’m playing Avril tonight, right?”
Mei was scared of only a few things. Losing Jill was the top of that list and had been for as long as she could remember. She was only seconded by the loss of her family, clowns and the destruction of everything she had worked so hard to build for herself in her few short years on the Goddess’ planet Earth. ”If I wake up and you’ve played Avril, I am going to drown you in this lake my own Damn self.” the Midnight girl teased her lover before planting a soft kiss on her pale cheek.
"Says the woman who Wonderwall'd her audience," Ashes giggled and fired back.
For years together, Mei Ramsey and Jill O’Brien were known as fierce and unstoppable forces of nature. Recently, the jagged sword they once wielded had been filled by pain and suffering of their own. No more. It was time to sharpen their blades again and show Edenridge that they hadn’t gone soft. That despite the sadness they carried that they would not allow the Hellmouth to swallow them up like it had so many others. Not Jill and Not Mei. They would burn this town to the fucking ground before they were done.
”This place ain’t ready for us yet, baby.”
"It doesn't matter if this place is ready for us or not. I am."
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