Peridot — Roleplayer Guild

Okay, I'm going to post the reviews myself and the Co-GM have done so far, and then get to the newer applications afterwards. 

@Garden Gnome
Heidi Keller:
The picture you've used is unfortunately too old. If you can find one of the same person when she was younger, or an alternative, that would be great.
Her age doesn't correlate with birthday and school year. If she's already 15, she'd be a sixth year, so you'll need to pop her age down to 14 until her birthday occurs in the IC.
We'll need some reasons for why those subjects are favourite and least favourite.


Other than that, she's awesome! Love the counterpart to her Boggart, it did indeed make me giggle. :)



@World Traveler
Devin Coal:
While there are numerous issues with your sheet, I won't bother pointing out every single thing. The fact that half of your personality was simply copied from a personality website proves that you don't care about the rules, the roleplay, or putting any effort into your writing. Please don't apply again.



@Agent 47
Thomas Bergstrom:
I'm not entirely sure if this is the finished product, as the backstory ends on a half-way done sentence? Either way, here's some feedback:
His Riddikulus charm doesn't really produce anything humorous? Cute yes, but it's not quite funny.
I'd like more detail in the appearance section.
His backstory is quite sparse considering he's a Muggleborn. The sudden knowledge of the world of magic is groundbreaking, enough so that it warrants a reaction from himself and his parents. How did they cope with it?
"As it was, Tom was a wizard (surprise surprise), but his parents obviously didn’t know that. Because the nearby magical institute, Durmstrangs, did not accept Muggle-borns, it was unlikely that they would come to know that Tom was a wizard if the family did not move to London when Tom was 9. At age 11, the family was informed that Tom was a wizard, and that he would be sent to Hogwarts." This bit confused me. Did they move to London when he was 9 because they knew Durmstrang wouldn't accept him? Or did they move there regardless of knowing about the institute? If they did, why even mention that in his bio when it's not relevant? On that note, if they didn't know about his magic, why did they move to England?


Fix these parts up and he's good! I also liked the extra bit about his many detentions. Everyone loves a rebel Harry. XD



@Italicized
So, I have quite a few issues with this sheet. I'll put the simple stuff first, and then get into the meat of it.
Dean is an odd nickname to get from Declan?
The original sheet asks for Sex, not Gender. Change it please.
Other than the issues with his Boggart that I'll outline below, his riddikulus charm wouldn't work. Self-deprecating humour is effective as a distraction, but it's not something one would find "truly humorous" as is demanded to get rid of a Boggart.
"Rosewood" tree. Which Rosewood? There's more than one, and none of them are used by Ollivander. Pick a different wood.
"Essence of Fairy" is not a canon core. Pick a different one.
A 14 year old with a tattoo? I don't think so.
'Hipster' during that time meant someone who really liked jazz music, not a pretentious white boy with ink.
If these descendants of Druids are so desperate for people to keep looking after their animals (I don't see why that's necessary either; magical animals are more than capable of looking after themselves, as we can see in the Forbidden Forest.), why would his parents allow him to go to Hogwarts?


Now, I'll start with his backstory: You've taken a lot of liberty with the canon, most of it I'm not inclined to allow. 
First of all, Tír na nÓg. No way is this being allowed. From what I've gathered in research, it's essentially part of the Celtic version of Heaven. This is way too meta and over-powered to allow even an NPC to come from, not to mention it's not mentioned once in the lore of Harry Potter that I can find.
"You could call them one of the few dying groups of wizards and witches due to the rise of the modern era forcing change upon them..." - This confuses me. There are plenty of wizarding communities in both the world and the UK that have kept themselves to themselves quite happily without time or muggles affecting them all that much. This group aren't any more unique than Hogsmeade is.
"...with them being one of the public havens and home for the magical creatures in their woods." As I understand it, magical creatures can look after themselves quite well without needing caretakers. As for ensuring they go unnoticed as much as possible by the Muggles (despite Muggles not noticing all that much), the Ministry's Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures would handle it, not a small community of isolated witches and wizards.


To wrap that all up - remove Tír na nÓg, and the fact that they're providing a "haven" that isn't needed, and perhaps make more of an emphasis in his backstory that while they are descended from the Druids, they are not Druids themselves. From what I can see in the lore, they died out a long time ago. I'm fine with this group being isolated, and I'm fine with them being on good terms with magical creatures and caring for some domesticated ones - but giving them access to the Otherworld and making them experts in looking after all manners of magical beings (Many of which don't need looking after) is a step too far into the realm of fanfiction for me. Speaking of fanfiction, there's a few issues with your character as he stands.

Dean unfortunately ticks quite a few boxes for being a Gary-Stu. Everything below is typical of a Gary-Stu protagonist.
Has no physical flaws: Now, that in itself isn't an issue, but you seem to go out of your way to avoid any potentially negative aspects of his appearance despite the fact that they should be there. For example, he has a lot of positive physical attributes borne from working outside a lot, but none of the negative ones. Weathered face? Freckles? Calloused skin? Scars from handling dangerous magical beasts? No? He's also going through puberty, which while some lucky few are exempt from awkward phases and skin problems, I expect something about it to be mentioned. Nobody has had a perfect puberty.
There's no mental flaws either. Anything potentially seen as negative has been completely justified. He's introverted, but has lots of friends. He's quiet, but not really, because his friends have said so. He's lacking in experience, but from what I've seen in the rest of the sheet, is an exceptional and well-liked student. The main flaw that other characters acknowledge is that he's too friendly and cheerful when meeting new people. This is such an unrealistic way of describing someone's personality, because real people have real flaws.
He's exceptional to the point of surpassing his elders in 3 of his lessons, but no effort has been made to mention where his downfalls are (Except flying, which he's terrible at, but he still somehow managed to pass that class!), so we can only assume he's also amazing at the rest of the curriculum.
Was nearly a Hat-Stall, despite his personality not outlining any particularly strong traits that would have perhaps put him in other houses.
Has a rare, unique (and totally not-canon) wand core and wood.
His Boggart doesn't make sense because he doesn't have any flaws to point out, and I've already mentioned why his riddikulus charm wouldn't work.
He speaks a unique, dead language fluently.
And of course, he has a massive back tattoo at the age of 14.


While the prompt you've provided is of acceptable standard in terms of spelling and grammar, I am slightly troubled by the tone of it. Speaking of his otherwordly air, the fact that people are staring at him, saying he's close to a human being yet not... again, this comes back to him being a Gary-Stu. Your character is not a protagonist, and I won't be happy seeing writing like this in the IC. Dean is no more special than any other character on here, because it's collaborative roleplaying, not a fanfiction. A character being full of himself is fine, but the writer should always remain impartial.

If you are able to write in a more realistic manner and provide a more realistic character, then I'd be happy to see another submission.




@Elkhar
Adrian Crawford:
Lovely character! He's accepted and can be posted in the character tab. :)



@Ejected
So so so sorry for my delay in answering you! I've had a hectic few days. Your revisions are perfect (Awesome Boggarts - I was laughing imagining the riddikulus charms), and both Honey and Andreas can be moved to the character tab. :D

Nina van Essenhout

Location: The X-Van

Nina nodded seriously in response to Cassandra's request; she'd do what she could without endangered the mission or somebody else's life. Except her own, that was. Head whipping towards the facility as the alarms began to blare. Wasting no time, Nina left the van, pausing to look at Pietro behind her before she began to follow Damon and Ayita. Although Nina would have preferred for them to wait, it was obvious what they were doing, and finding an alternate entrance to the main one was likely going to help them. As would having a speedster, for that matter.

"Pietro, I need you to sweep the facility once we get inside. Nobody should notice you with your speed, so you'll likely be safe unless they've designed defences just for you. Get us numbers of enemies, numbers of civilians or hostages, and where they're located. If we know where everyone is, it'll make our job a whole lot easier." She instructed as she looked at him, hoping that he would actually follow the order instead of mess about like earlier.

Charlie Farrier

Location: The X-Van

Charlie's hair ruffled in the wake of Oshea's burst of speed, and he looked after the speedster with a grin. He'd only been at the mansion for about two weeks, and therefore hadn't seen much in the way of people using their powers all that often. Classes were boringly similar to regular human classes, with the occasional prank courtesy of someone's mutant quirk. But now, he was seeing it for real. He would be seeing his own powers for real this time - not by accident, and not because of emotion, but by choice. It would be a difficult choice to make, but he was more sure now that he'd be able to make the right one. Clambering out of the van beside Cassandra, he glanced at the older woman.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be - I just hope I don't let you guys down." The younger boy wasn't even certain he could switch his powers on and off willy-nilly, but this seemed the best place to be trying them out. Emotions would be running high, and as he'd learnt at great cost, his powers were greatly linked with his emotions.

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