PlatinumSkink — Roleplayer Guild

Alright. I’m no judge, but here goes. Now to prepare to become depressed.

Also, I am not going to hide which entry is mine. I am not going to write a fake review, however, at the same time I am going to <partially> hide it from those who don’t want to know before they read the entry, or something, I don’t know. I’ll be stating that I wrote the entry within the hider which should contain the review for the entry I wrote. So if you don’t want to know for whatever reason, don’t enter the reviews of entries that you don’t know who wrote. That’s about it.

Now I’m just going to post these and hope I’m doing nothing wrong.

... Heh. There were quite a few places where you forgot to include a capital letter where one should have been, and some place(s) I noticed where there should have been a question-mark but there was a dot. Eh, I’m pretty sure you should be highly aware of how much this deprives the quality of an otherwise excellently spelled story, so I’ll leave that at that. Also, using words instead of numbers looks much nicer when reading it.

We don’t learn a lot about your character here, do we? Not much to connect to. We only have a single individual running and eventually dying. Well, the only job was to write a death scene, so that’s fine, I suppose. It was a labour for yourself, not necessarily one for others to read, I think? Heh.

I could argue that the ‘heroicness’ of throwing himself into a horde and detonating himself kind of decreases the ‘unpleasantness’ score we were supposed to get, even though he didn’t actually save anyone and didn’t actually desire to die. Eh, I’d probably be kind and give you a pass anyways, for it wasn’t really a happy death, after all. Of course, I’m not the judge. Haha.

Heh. That was probably a little bit more that was in mind for this labour. You set up a little bit about the character, enough for us to know a bit to relate to him, and perhaps feel something for his eventual demise. Of course, since we already knew he’d die, this is a death scene, after all. … And he achieved nothing, and didn’t get either a dramatic end nor find out what happened after his death. If anything, I could argue that the amount of text after he had already been stabbed was a little bit long and felt a little odd because of it. But eh, that could just be me, personally. I’ll have to congratulate you on a labour well done. That’s about it.

… Well done. When I think of death-scenes, it usually follows my favorite kinds of characters, that are distinctly unnatural characters that are fighting for the good of the world, and it wouldn’t be odd to see any of those die by their day-to-day activities. Here you have a completely normal guy, and normally the feeling of sadness over a character’s death would be blunted due to knowing a character would die. Yet, you USED this feeling, included multiple places where it would be perfectly explainable that he’d die in an accident, taking the time to explain the different dangers in drawn-out fashions that made us see the possible outcomes before us, and then hit it in the chest with a fast and powerful finisher to prove us all wrong. The way you wrote after was also a highlight, it made me feel for the character’s friends and family, and made me feel it was a true tragedy. Well done. Very well done. Oh, well.

… Ah. Well… I’ll have to say. The first read-through is the most important one, and after this first read-through… I am thoroughly confused. In addition, I am not entirely sure all that backstory was even necessary, because we got really little time to try to connect to the main character anyways. I can’t help but think this is somewhat of an incomplete death scene. See, a death to me includes three parts. First all the thoughts and feelings before it happens, then the fraction of a moment when it happens and what goes through one’s mind then, and then lastly the events and feelings from sustaining the damage until actual death. You’re only including the last part in the actual writing that matters. It makes things feel incomplete to me. … Still. Well written, you’re showing off some sincere literacy skills, and I have no doubt the novel you’ve written is an exciting one. I wish you good luck with that. Haha.

Well. That was… vague. I had sincerely no idea what was going on. Maybe that was for the better, there’d been so much to explain, otherwise. I know not for what any of them died, or why, or by who. Everything regarding that is a mystery. … Well, suppose that’s one way to do it. I can’t say for sure if I had preferred it any other way, but eh. It is a mass of bitterness either way. But, well, that’s what this entire labour was fated to be, anyway. So what can I say? Interesting usage of complete vagueness to still deliver the intended emotion. Well written. Oh, well.

… Yupp. It is infinitely clear what has happened here. I’m left with few words to say. It was a death scene, as described by the labour to do. It was written with quality, and it did exactly what it was supposed to do with no discernable errors which I can locate. If anything, would that really be the haphazard way they’d execute such a significant person? Well, suppose it drives the point home that he was a nobody to them. Yupp, well done.

Ha. Alright, then. I understand the idea. It is one stupid way to die, ain’t it? Yeah. Well. Somehow, it felt like it happened too fast. It feels like we should have had a little bit more time to get used to Alex in her regular world, her expectations and the like, but she just up and left and then bang. That is the impression I get, anyways, and you’re obviously free to disagree. Other than that, everything in your writing looks quite alright. The purple is a little bit hard to read against that background, but. Nicely done.

This is my entry. I apologize if it is too long and you got bored reading it. If you found it interesting, then… I’m happy you did. I’m personally not even sure if this is good or not, so I put myself at your mercy when it comes to that. This takes place in a roleplaying world where the players were mostly in the school mentioned at multiple times in the entry… yeah. I distanced myself from that and had my character on the way somewhere else, and... yeah.

I’m kind of worried I might not have made her death unpleasant enough. I mean, she’s practically smiling as she’s dying in the end there, during her own little delusion. Eh, up to the judges, I suppose. Haha.

It feels kind of like the amount of text in this entry is somewhat irregular. Some parts have more text than others. I do not know if this was due to a choice on your part or if you were running out of time or something, but it went from being rather beautifully charming and well-described in the family situation to, uh, a rather unimpressive death-scene. It simply didn’t hold up the emotions the same way, and as such didn’t leave much of an impact. If I may say so… it felt like the beginning was a beautiful world where everything was alive and moving naturally, and then we continued to a rather stale, grey and scripted death scene. It wasn’t just that scene, it was a bit before that felt like a row of one-liners that didn’t transmit the emotions well, didn’t give a clear image. It just happened without me feeling anything about it, because the writing there failed to inspire these emotions in me. Well, it is still well written, but that’s what I feel. And that’s about that.

I've... ran into an unexpected problem. I can kill my characters, no problem. What I found that I had to pause and really think about... is how do the surrounding characters react to death. I mean, the most I've ever reacted in real life to a death of a loved one is "Oh." with a little sting of bitterness. However, almost all those experiences of loss were of very old people, or the pet of a friend, or a former music teacher in a very specific case. How WOULD I react to seeing someone very close to me die, and more importantly, how would my characters react? I mean, I could just copy fiction and have these surges of sadness, anger, regret and other things, but the problem with that is that I do not understand them, which was never a problem when I watched them, but when I am to actually have surrounding characters REACT to the event? I got totally stuck. Hah.

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