PlatinumSkink

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

Could always work! Though then he might be greeted by stares from suspicious bandit guards. Haha.

RPGC#4 -- Voting and Discussion

Haha. Yes, lesse. I wrote Dramatic Reveal. Thanks those who read it and liked it.

It is based on the idea that "What if, in one of those arch-typical story-driven RPGs, when you get to that mid-game enemy that was initially presented as the grand villain but he dramatically reveals to have been good all along when he explains himself... What if he was lying?" The story was written in a single, hurried, day because I had been busy, but I was still pretty proud of it.

Dramatic Reveal

Oh how an unimaginative title belies this work! Well written and in a world which felt rich, although I saw the twist coming I loved it all the same and while I will not spoil it for another who for whatever reason is skimming the reviews rather than reading (In which case, go read!), I will say that the delivery of it was good... One minor gripe though
"Yo."
This took me right out and made me laugh, but once I got over it, it didn't dull my desire to read the rest. Well done. 9/10

@darkwolf687

I am happy you liked it. I am amused that you saw the twist coming and enjoyed it regardless. As for your minor gripe, I do not regret it at all, real Embervi is such a casual dude that it felt totally fitting. XD

dramatic reveal

Jeez, you got me. Got me good. That might be the best lie so far….. I mean I’ll have to weigh it, but that was really well done.

THAT SAID! The story was great but the style wasn’t stellar – aspects were beyond great, I mean legitimately I thought I was reading a new Final Fantasy pitch for a while there. The world was great. The characters were (I think) exactly and concisely what you wanted them to be. My two gripes – and they’re sadly big – are Exposition and Repetition. Exposition makes sense – you had a whole lot of setup required by this particular lie, a certain amount was inevitable, and I wouldn’t begrudge a little bit of exposition to get to the point that much quicker. It was laced throughout the entire story though – we’d stop talking about the conversation for a minute to instead explain how all the party members came to join. And notably too – though this might’ve just been a brainfart by me – I had no idea magic was involved until you brought up the gods of magic. So like…. Given that lots of exposition was always going to be required, it seems like that should’ve been a bigger deal sooner. Repetition is a more obvious and thus simpler problem – things like “In its place, this took place” or saying ‘barrier’ four times in three sentences – easy to fix, just change up the language.

I’m being picky partly because it’s theoretically good for you in the long run, and partly because of how much I liked the story. You got my mind going a thousand miles an hour in one direction and then faked me out completely on the lie. Extremely impressed. Damn good job.

@mdk

Yupp. This entry was written to look like the world of one of those JRPG worlds, so I am happy I got that down. For the part of you missing the magic, I did mention in the beginning that Embervi was wielding a magical staff, but I suppose I could have done some form of thing to introduce the existence of magic a little better. It was a fantasy world, after all. Haha. For the exposition... I did have a lot of information I wanted to get through. Three paragraphs felt enough for the start to get the reader into the story, then... oy, this is a story of exposition. I had a huge world to develop for a short story. I suppose I simply had too much information in this. I'll keep it in mind. As for the repetition... I was in a hurry, so I might have let a few of those through. Sorry about that. Haha. I'll keep it in mind for the future~ Thank you for reading~

I am very much happy that I managed to fool someone. I have one of every kind of the three most common reactions in three reviewers! I feel wonderful! Hahaha. Alright. Now to explain myself to Holmishire.

>B-

Entry #6: Dramatic Reveal

A little nitpick right from the get-go that threw me off. The first sentence is in present tense, yet all of the exposition and action that come afterwards is in the past. Insignificant, I know.

The first three paragraphs of exposition are bulky and something of a chore to push through. The information contained therein is necessary, but presenting it in one big dump is not the most exciting way to go about it. It makes it evident that this short story isn't really designed to be a short story, but instead a conclusion to a much larger story. There are ways of hinting at a greater plot past or future without making the short story itself any less powerful on its own. This would be a great part, but it shouldn't have to be.

That said, the bulk of the entry itself was good, with an interesting if at times somewhat underdeveloped cast.

The final twist, however, was disappointing for a few reasons. First, we weren't given much of a chance to connect with Embervi, so his betrayal didn't really hit any emotional chords. It was said that he was Artion's best friend, but it wasn't really shown—again, due to this being only part of the story. Second, Jiorn felt like a total loose end, with almost no development, his morality confusingly thrown about, and his twist being untwisted for no apparent reason in quick succession. Even Tytanios's apparent emotional turbulence upon sending away his lieutenant is brushed off as nothing—so what was the bitterness included for? And third, it was revealed through a casual conversation between two characters whose relationship with each other is hardly touched upon. Hardly dramatic. The twist itself was okay, but the presentation was lacking.

@Holmishire

The first sentence should be present-tense. I mean, unless the story itself is destroyed, the story will still take place in that world. I can't say it "took" place in that world, since the story still exists. Of course, all the rest is what happened in that story, hence past tense. Did I get something incorrectly?

Everything in that world was designed for this short story. This entire story is about this meeting, the rest is just information I needed to make up for this story to make sense. There was no way I could have done it other than either informing the reader in the beginning or throwing all the information into their lines, somehow. Which I might have, but it felt wrong to send the reader directly into the encounter without an idea what was going on. Three paragraphs felt just enough. Two wouldn't have gotten enough info to the reader. Four would have become too much. Three felt like just enough.

Yeah, I didn't have too much room to develop them in the short time I had with them, haha. Thanks for saying they're interesting.

Embervi was never supposed to hit any emotional chords. The story was simply too short for that, so I settled on that the reader simply got to be aware of what was going on. Joirn I included because the trope of an enemy becoming an ally is common enough for me to include it, because it was interesting. Tytanios brief bitterness about it is because, well, he's human and therefore felt just a tinge of regret about sending a chap he slightly liked to his death, but nothing more to it. It just made sense from the character as I created him. And yes, the final conversation was made to be as anti-dramatic as possible. This was to represent how we no longer were on the field of telling a dramatic story, but simply the backstage where the two who prepared the epic reveal talk about what they just did as casually and naturally as possible. Yupp, that's about that. I do see what you're saying, but I never really went out with the intention of making it like you're describing that it could be. And I'm... kind of fine with that. I only had a day to write it when I finally decided to. Thanks for critiquing.

Now for something completely different.

<Snipped quote by PlatinumSkink>
/me hides somewhat in shame

I'll be entirely honest, mate; I didn't even proof read it. Additionally, after I got about half way through writing it, something happened in real life, so approximately the last 9000 words were half arsed. Thus, I cannot in good faith accept any praise for effort because the effort I put in was pitiful. I once spent nearly two full days with no work done on it at all before finally going "Oh yeah, I should probably write..." I entered this because a friend urged me to, I put in only a modicum of effort to write a piece up and have no intention of actually winning anything. I have never entered a contest here before and quite possibly never will again.

As for the ending, I am sorry it disappointed. In truth, I had nothing in the way of ideas for an ending, decided not to think anything ul and so just choose to simply play it straight. This is probably just another sign that I'm lazy haha.

It is the world of Half life and I am glad you think I portrayed it well; Though I am hesitant to pat myself on the back for it could easily have been so much better

@darkwolf687

I can't possibly know if you portrayed it well; this is the only portrayal I know! I just know I got a rather good image in my head, accurate or not! XD

In any case. I think you should feel a bit better. While yes, the lack of proof-reading was apparent, I still think you wrote a pretty nice story, all things considered. Should be at least a 7/10, even if it had a rather disappointing ending. I mean, it got sincerely exciting, with amusing comedy thrown in for good measure here and there, and some heartwarming and understandable situation and engaging individuals. Kind of. Yeah. Except the ending disappointed. Oh, well.

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

@Lionheart Alright, I believe your input to Archibald's latest question might be relevant.

@Apollosarcher Nicely posted. Lots of little suggestions around. Hahaha. ... Though, I probably did imagine that the road from here to Serafew would possibly be a little bit longer than that. Oh, well. We can have the caravan stick around for a bit if we follow that lead. Haha.

@Harbringer Gosh. Well written, I can see the little details sticking out in my mind. Alright, then, now to consider how I could possibly hold back the temptation. Anyways, yepp, you could potentially reply to what Marwood said, or wait until Alvin says something. That's about it. Teh-heh.

@Eklispe Quite well posted. Yupp, we'll be well waiting.

Hm, how will I get @Lightning Fast into this when you've now moved into a keep somewhere? ... Eh, I think some good old Fire Emblem coincidences might be in order. Hahaha.

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

Since nobody apparently had anything further for her to inform anyone of, Lexa took off, having previously wished the princes to take care of themselves.

The Sacred Stone, also known as the Fire Emblem, would seem to be burning in dark fire as it was shown before Archibald’s eyes at his request. Aldo would look a bit disapproving at the fact that the stone had been shown like this, but he put his trust into his lord’s judgment and kept a steady hand ready, just in case. Just in case.

When informed that they were going to be following the bandit, but to keep an eye out, Aldo nodded to his lord. There was no hesitation as Aldo continued to walk with the party, only falling back part-way in order to inform Griswal and Marwood. “Alvin wants you to keep an eye out.” So would the short message sound, before they continued following. Griswal would have done so even without the command, straightening his back and continuing following the prince, attentive eyes looking around. Of course, in armor, Griswal was probably the one with the greatest difficulty trying to wander about in the forest, but as an experienced soldier he took to the task and arrived with relatively few complications.

Past that, the party of individuals would follow into the room in order to protect their princes should it be found necessary. Previously there would have been a variety of reactions, relief apparent on Griswal’s face to that there was a place that was looking after those that the military had not been able to evacuate to a safe place. Obviously, this place hadn’t been able to look after too many either, but any number was nothing short of wonderful.

Since that appears to be the present right now, some attention would focus on Marwood and his most recent proposal. Aldo would give him a little look before sighing to weight in his own tactical mind onto to the matter. “Jehanna is currently a nation at war, you’re unlikely to be able to see their current princess without a good number of guards around, which would harm your chances of getting back should she decide to keep you for whatever reason. Weight that against the possibility she isn’t entirely in favor of this war before going.” He’d say with a look towards Marwood, giving a look of ‘it is my job to warn you about the dangers’.

“Moving with a large amount of refugees would lower our chances of making it to our destination safely, if that is your intention. Though it is possible we could move in two separate groups, one smaller to transport the Sacred Stone.” Aldo would continue, looking down at the bracelet which signified Marwood’s importance here. “… Jehanna will learn if their food-caravan is captured, and may possibly seek out the source, unless they’re too busy looking for princes elsewhere.” Other than having shared this information, Aldo would stay back, looking at the three men currently in discussion, waiting for if his input would be further required.

Present Units

Marwood – A Renais prince with a good heart and a rebellious streak.



Arathyra – A sweet young healer from Grado


(Though more cheerful than the image claims~)
Alvin – Prince of Grado. Gregarious and diplomatic, though a fine warrior in his own right.



Aldo – A shaman researcher and advisor on things magic in service of Grado. Magically gifted and incurably serious.
Weapon Mastery: Dark: D
Level: 1
Equipment and Items: Flux, Vulnerary, Guiding Ring.


Kalte – A strong-willed Swordsman who likes to travel.



Griswal – A proud knight of Grado heritage. Stoic, but empowered.



Archibald – A friendly poacher who wanders around Grado with his merry band of bandits. Has a hidden dark side.
+1 level


Ret – A Mage from the rural mountains of Caer Pelyn, uncivillized yet seemingly the honorable sort.

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

Alright. Let's see.

RPGC#4 -- Voting and Discussion

Eh. I @vote for "The Mirror Boy", because it somehow took a really depressing situation, made it heartwarming, threw in a finely executed Maybe Magic, Maybe Mundane for an open ending and caused me to wonder with a deeply positive impression. It also taught me that the contents of the hider bar vanishes upon being clicked on should the contents be surrounded by quotation marks. Well done, @Alice.

Now then. How's reviews and votes coming along for everyone else?

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

@Lionheart Though it might have sounded like it, Aldo was thinking of arguments for why to go to both places. Just sharing the tactical information. Teh-heh. Alright, well posted~!

@Harbringer Heh. That works. Nicely done. Now, then. Do I suppose that I have complete control of what these "shadowy figures" might be, or did you have an idea? XD

@Eklispe Nicely posted~! Yes, ask all the questions, all the character developing needs to be done...! Hahaha!

@Apollosarcher Very well, then! If you wish to wait with responding to Alvin's remark about potential manhunts led by Rafaela after you, then there is no need for you to post just yet.

Alrighto, now I could post, but I probably don't actually have much to write about until Alvin makes a decision at Archie's offer that the rest can follow. Unless he wants Aldo's tactical advice. Haha. Now might be a time he could be suggesting to be careful, as these bandits might have the intent to steal the stone... But this is Fire Emblem. Who'd ever be suspicious of criminals in Fire Emblem?

Special Announcement: RPGC#2 Winner Declared

Ah, yes. That one. It's a worthy victor, even if it is belatedly. Well done. Haha.

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

If it makes sense and nobody complains. Yeah, that was the assumption. ... Heh...

RPGC#4 -- Voting and Discussion

Reviews, reviews. I read them all. Gosh, that was a lot of text, and I am pretty sure that the last entry was more than all the rest combined. *checks* Yupp, it is. Now, then. As always, these are straight from my own opinion. I do not intend to dissuade anyone from writing if I say something negative. Anyways. Let's see where we get with these. ... I'm honestly not really sure I like my own reviews, but eh, here they are. Haha.

The 100% Honest Truth

Oh, one of THOSE entries, I see. You know, the kind where I don't even know if the message is well-delivered or not because I lost myself in the sentences. In either case. I understand the message, I get the lie, I appreciate the quality of the text, though I find myself widely indifferent to this entry. Sure, it's nice, but it doesn't, like, make me quiver from emotional drapery bound around me or something like that. Well, not sure how to fix that. Oh, well.

The Lie of the Beholder

Egh. I sincerely hope there doesn't exist a woman like that. Who's sense of scale is so absurdly out of touch with the world. I understand what you're doing, and honestly, it is well shown off. I'm just, well, not really, um, enjoying the text? Is actually enjoying the text the point of an entry like this? How does one scale how good this is? Hm. Oh, well. An entry in the same vein as the previous one, I'm impartial.

Crude City

... And I thought a single little sentence in the last entry (edit:which is removed) was rather bad, which was depicting the activity abstractedly. This… I can almost say was way worse, even without the actual activity. XD ... This is a dramatic, extensive and excruciatingly raw story. You know, I'm currently sitting on a train reading these, I'm not supposed to have to worry someone might look over and get the wrong idea. That said, well done. You got me engaged into the story. I didn't understand a whole bunch of words that were incredibly situational or local-specific, but I'm fine with that. I am a little disappointed that it simply all ended with her telling him what had happened, and I'm slightly surprised as to why the two body-guards were hostile to be fired at in the end there. Oh, well. Very well done. I could see this story being an enjoyable if really dark and raw movie. It would work. It succeeds as a text, and yepp. It is well done, a nice story, if a bit... raw. This place IS supposed to be at least young teenager friendly, right? XD

The Little Black Lie

Oh, geesh. Yeah, that story was told from the get-go. Poor girl. Hm. It was interesting. There was a sense of mystery that clearly had an answer to it, and it felt like we were getting somewhere. That is, until the main character learned that there was, in fact, a truth than he in fact did not entirely desire to know. I do wonder if it was entirely necessary to kill off the entire family. Perhaps it was, due to some twisted logic. Alright, then. It was decently exciting. So, I'll go with it.

The Mirror Boy

Oh, my. That was a strangely magical entry. It was original enough to get me curious, mystic enough to get me excited, and revealed just enough to make me completely baffled. It does appear... something happened. If it was magical in nature or if she was just going mad, left to the reader. I'm usually rather against not learning the whole truth, but you pulled it off in a partly frightening partly heartwarming way. Well done. This one made a definite impression on me.

Dramatic Reveal

I could have come up with a better name had I actually thought of the name before I had to send it in! XD

New Existence

... Heh. If I divide a larger, but still not quite large, story up into five parts... then this is either the second or the fourth part. Very well written, as I've come to expect of you. Very interesting and engaging, as I've come to expect of you. And... not the whole tale, as I've come to- eh. XD ... Regardless, everything here felt like it was pulled off exactly as was intended. But honestly, if I got to personally pick which part of the story I wanted to read, I would not have picked this part. Haha. In any case. Flawless quality and narrative skill. If the art of writing engaging stories can become greater than yours, then I can no longer tell the difference. I'm currently feeling an eager desire of reading the beginning and the end of what tale these characters are heading off on. Of course, I can't, I only have this part. Haha. ... Though, what lie are we talking about here? Almost all she said was the truth, wasn't it? The lie which the theme seems to focus on is the lie which she's setting up, that the Countess is still alive, correct? Wouldn't it then be more appropriate to the theme to write about when she fools the prey? Eh, maybe not. In any case. Well done, if I didn't say that. Well done.

An Unforseen Consequence

And the last entry is a frickin' monster. Alright, let's do this.

... Sigh. It kind of feels like you hit my face with the last one, there. I had started to like the guy, damn it. Oh... well... It is rather well written. It is riddled with minor errors, but despite that, I didn't feel too disturbed by them. It tells a rather entertaining story of conquest, going into depth in a way I would expect from professionals, and it all kept me reading to the end. It had quite a few rather entertaining little scenes, amusing characters and interesting development that makes you like to think that this will all lead to something. ... Nah. Just... just nah. Just basic, boring betrayal. I read through 20 000 words to get a basic, boring betrayal in the end. Kaaaaaaaaaaay.

Hm. I mean, betrayal ends shouldn’t necessarily disappoint me. Why do I feel disappointed whenever I see it done so straight? Because I’ve seen it so many times before? I don’t know. I just don’t like them. If someone does a betrayal end, then… I wonder what I should be thinking for it to be pulled off well. I shouldn’t discourage people from using a kind of end, that’d be stupid, but I cannot for the love of all that is holy imagine a betrayal end that I would appreciate. How strange of me. Oh, well. I appreciate the amount of time and effort you've put into this, anyways. I certainly love the first 19 000 words, at least. That's got to be most of it, right? They're entertaining, okay? Well done!

I've never played Half Life. Is this the world it is? I must say, then, you've done a impressively good job in telling how it looks like to an outsider. I kind of understood what was going on. Not sure how much of it is from your roleplay canons, but I got a pretty good glimpse of what this world is like, according to myself. Interesting. Thanks for that unique introduction. That, I believe, is definitely the best thing about this entry that was given to me by the time it was over. The way you portrayed a foreign world was magical in a way to read and got the reader quite invested. Good job on that. Yupp.

Sonnet O

I'm... confused. Is this a parody of something? I mean... yeah, the final statement is a joke when you blame a random thing that makes no sense to blame Obama for on Obama. Sooooo... was it an accident that was described earlier? That's, uh, not what it reads like. I'm confused. I'm so confused.

Reality Checkmate

That... was beautiful. Rolled off the tongue. Pretty lines, on point, I never once felt that a rhyme was forced. It told a little story, which I found I actually got invested in, despite the highly restricted amount of information I was provided. An emotional reaction from me from a story told through poetry? What madness is this? In any case. Very well done. That's how one does good these kinds of entries, I imagine. Thank you for showing me. I like it. Thanks.

I haven't voted yet. I'm not sure what I want to vote for, so give me a while to figure it out.