SleepingSilence

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Discussion

@Frizan How long did you anticipate the voting period to last? I just realized it doesn't really have anything listed.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

@Calle Okay. Well thanks for the conversation. ^-^

Maybe it's because I do have a good vocabulary, always had one. College level in grade school, is something I vividly remember being told. But nothing is 'too smart' in writing. Usually just means it's pretentious. If my word salad story sounded like gibbering nonsense, then that's my fault I suppose. :P

It's because I missed a word in that sentence, that's the problem with trying to push yourself. It's much easier to point out someone's screw ups, when they're trying to write more artfully than they usually do. That's why I try limiting, and cutting things I don't need at the point where it appears I'm going too fast. Because filler is a really easy way to avoid criticism. Make a single paragraph of ideas into four of them, and you're guaranteed to less likely to get prodded about it. Spread yourself so far and thin, any attack will seem trivial.

In a similar way it's difficult to write in a way that isn't simple. It can be challenging to make an engaging short story, because you have fewer words to do it. So those words actually matter, and you have to think what you need and what you could cut.

(But for trying too hard. It's a mistake I likely won't bother making again, given the general reactions I've received. I still want to read it to a few people to get more perspectives of people I know have the best interests in mind.)

But even though the story was simple. I didn't outright dislike your story at all, hopefully didn't come across that way. It's still always good to write as much as possible in order to improve oneself.

To be honest, I think my story was really the only one that actually really took the prompt on the nose. So I suffered for it. Which was my problem last time...it was a word limit that only two people followed. And neither won. And my biggest flaw, which even I acknowledged was a "rushed" conclusion which was only needed because of a rule, I followed to my determent. So clearly I don't know what people are looking for. :P

I certainly hope I see your prompts again. Maybe you'll have more time to write. (And maybe I'll spend a little less, yet get a better result. XD) I clearly need to work on my time management in the meantime.

Random suggestions for writing prompts.

I can write this better: Find a prompt made by someone else. And write the same thing better, using the same/lesser wordcount. The compare/contrast possibilities are endless.

See it from my side: Where you write the same main story twice, but from a different person's perspective in the story. Obviously, better if the two side oppose in some way. Another that could be quite fruitful with possible plot lines.

Memento Plotline: Where you have to write your story in non-chronological order, yet it still actually has to make sense and be understandable in the end. Just another challenge that sounds enjoyable.

And just for general ideas I'd like to see:
Time Travel.
Murder Mystery.
Paradox.

(Also please, please add a minimum and maximum word count rule again and enforce it. One can at least hope right?)

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

@BrokenPromise Maybe I'll send a PM to address you further. Just because I don't want this to seem like a fight. I'm definitely not trying to do so either. Just because it feels distasteful to continue here.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

Ha ha. I somehow expected this. (Referring to a 4-way tie.)

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@BrokenPromise Well thanks for the review. I unfortunately lacked time to edit and polish the story to the best of my abilities. Timing fucked me, quite often in the making of this story. Don't worry I had @Briza go through it all, and I plan on giving a bit more in depth reviews. Lacking time to do anything, seems to be problem recently.

Bared on a bare back? I'm pretty sure battle scars aren't bundled.

@BrokenPromise

This isn't even a grammar error, this is playful wording. A bundle is a group. The scars are grouped and "bundled" together on the back. Implying it was grouped together like the flowers.

This is an incomplete sentence. I'm not sure if it's the quantity or shape of the cyclamens/scars that is being referenced here.

SleepingSilence

Frankly I don't think taking it as either/or, or both actually changes the visualization of the story. But I'm sure, I could have made this clearer. I always feel like adding a 'beginning noun' is so unnecessary at times, but I assume that's what's supposedly needed to make this a full sentence. Something like-

"The number matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees." (Referring to a dozen, obviously?)

Like seriously, the fuck did that add? Mild writing rant I guess. (Is that above a full sentence now? Or am I still missing something here?)

You're not winning any awards for your word usage. I doubt most people know what a kapok tree looks like, and sweat doesn't look or move anything like drool.

SleepingSilence

Lack of knowledge doesn't make the writer wrong for using the word. You still -get- the general idea. No it's nothing particularly complicated. Also this isn't a grammar error either...

And bullets look nothing like sweat either, but no one complains about sweating bullets do they? So forgive me, but I'm defending these choices and you provided no better alternatives.

therooster.com/sites/default/files/st…

You cannot criticize something for being abnormal sounding, when exaggerated sweat looks -entirely- like drooling from how thick it is. The story doesn't need to take place in real life. Ross is never specified to even be human. The language in general was not literal. And shouldn't be taken that way. (My feelings, obvious anyone can do it. I just happen disagree with the reasoning. <.<')

Seriously, what the hell did I just read?

@BrokenPromise

I don't mind how blunt this is, despite not exactly being constructive. I'll admit could have done better myself but let's just say the responses I received I don't think would have changed/improved with added detail.

But it does always make me feel better that, no matter how bad I feel for writing bluntly. I always get railed far worse, and nitpicked far more. So I really should stop worrying so much. I digress.

That also had no corrections. You just didn't like the sentence, but you didn't really elaborate what was wrong with it at all...

I think there's a missing word here. Otherwise, I have no idea if Paranoia is some new character, a person, etc.

@BrokenPromise

An *it, I knew that was wrong when I reread it. Always something that slips through the cracks.

Elbowing checking? This entire phrase could be re-written to improve clarity.

@BrokenPromise

Another caught before. Yeah, meant elbow checking. I actually think autocorrect managed to screw me on that one. And you're probably right.

Not ever verb and noun needs to have an adjective attached to it, you know?

@BrokenPromise

Does removing any of these words or editing them make the sentence stronger? You didn't even really imply the sentence was bad.

Presumably, you are talking about the plant eating the bird, rather than the bird eating the plant. But it's not very clear. This could have been much better if you used more than two sentences to show what was going on. It's the only exciting thing that's happened in this paragraph and it's over with in less than ten words.

@BrokenPromise

That I completely disagree with, and I think context clues make it abundantly obvious.

Easily distinguishable, but not to the reader. And I'm pretty sure it did beckon him.

@BrokenPromise

I'm assuming you're judging that you don't know which direction, and you're right that's a detail I could have added.

Of course it's the same voice, it's in the same paragraph, right?

@BrokenPromise

Not really, no.

Just have him pull out the dagger in one sentence, examine the knife in a second sentence, and finally approach the voice in the third. You're trying to do way too much here.

@BrokenPromise

I suppose some don't like fast pacing. Fair enough.

What is “seeing beaming?” I've never seen two words with an “ing” ending put side by side like that, and this is the second time you've done it. People probably don't do it because it doesn't work.

@BrokenPromise

Oh really? :P

Unlike everyone else. Not every word written was 100% intentional. Because I can admit I make flaws.

Yeah, I'd change it. 'seeing beams'

It's a bad idea to start a sentence with one of those “ing” words most of the time. It doesn't show possession. You could say “he/Ross was facing” But I think the present tense “He/Ross faced” would be better still.

@BrokenPromise

Noted.

You actually forgot a comma. I'm really surprised by that, because nearly every sentence up to this point has had a comma or a semi-colon.

@BrokenPromise

Correct. I'm glad you noticed. :P

How the adjectives sounded like the words they were paired with made the prose read like some sort of weird tongue twister. Bit it definitely wasn't nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. Which might have been the intention, but it didn't work for me.

@BrokenPromise

Only way to grow is to fail. I guess I need to start writing straight forward and bare-bones simple. It seems to actually be preferred. Granted, I'm sure I over did it. It kind of was intentionally done, to show actual effort in crafting sentences. But intent doesn't always get executed well. There's always another prompt.

I'll admit adventure stories of this nature aren't my cup of tea, but all the same, I felt it could have been done better. I don't understand why he was in the jungle, had to go to a volcano, then traverse a lot of different dream areas to finally get to where he had to go. I understand these places had a significance “artistically,” but in the context of the story there wasn't any rhyme or reason for it.
I know sometimes less is more. But nothing is always, well, nothing.

@BrokenPromise

I'll admit some of the places could be interchangeable, as long as the theme was properly set that way. The volcano, could have been I dunno. A fire fortress, and it could probably still work. So is that a weakness? Sure, I can go with that.

But him going to them in general, it was treacherous physical journey representing the emotional one of the loss of a loved one. He didn't have to go in all those places in the first place. He knew exactly where he needed to go, if you don't buy the amnesia. If you don't, it explains just fine why he wandered in so many places...so I just disagree that context wasn't given. But if you don't take it at face value, he clearly wasn't ready to accept his mother's destination...

So I very much disagree that there's "no reason" for this adventure taking place. Helk, even bare bones disregarding all symbolism and the fact my characters was a representation of an idea. So the fact it didn't feel entirely there or set in reality, wasn't lost on me or anything. But he went to the volcano because the snake told him to go there, and the lake had clear explained significance. And the forest...well it was interesting place to start?

But I hope I didn't come across too offended, or otherwise. I'm always appreciated of the effort required to read one's writing. Sometimes that's too hard for some. Need more people to do this. (Perhaps, to the same level of all involved.)

Edit: I don't really know if my reply comes across on a "different level" in anyway. But I will note, today is a "feel like crap" (stomach) day. So I'll acknowledge possible moodiness, if it happens to be there.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

Thanks for taking the time to review.

@Calle

Thanks for taking it in stride. Hopefully I came across fairly.

The fact all the fishermen dropped out for mundane and boring reasons could have prepared you for a mundane and boring ending. I tried to be consistent with that.

@Calle

I sort of figured that would be the explanation. Though did you find the story mundane? Like a conversation you'd have with the misses about how'd your day went at work. Is that the style you wanted your story to go?

Did you feel that your fairy tale story was satisfying? Or did you write it intentionally anti-climatic and unrewarding for a purpose? I don't mean to ask that in any particular way, but that seems to be what you're expressing. And I just wanted clarity...

You usually want to enthrall a reader in some way. Where do you think your story had it's greatest strengths?

Now, I don't know what a 'wah wah wah story' is, but maybe the fundamental problem you had with this entry was exactly what is was supposed to be. I admit I knew the anti-climax wouldn't be appreciated by some and that it could leave the reader unfulfilled.

@Calle

youtube.com/watch?v=pnNtzLJwVlw

Basically answers the question. It's basically a straight forward story, that has one long running theme and ends on a gag. That would end on that kind of sound effect. I mean anti-climaxs can work (I mean granted I dislike them regardless.) but if it's built up properly it can subvert expectations...but frankly I called that would happen from when this fisherman stopped his desires for fame and fortune because of a stubbed toe. If it wasn't meant as a joke...you then have to question how does it make any logical sense?

I don't know if you read many of such stories, but most are rather simplistic as far as storytelling goes and I don't think I read any with flowery descriptions of the scenery.

Aside from that, I'm not good at flowery descriptions of the surrounding area, nor do I personally care for an overly long description of what a place or a thing looks like. I tend to lose focus when I read a lengthy description of a scene, especially when I have to read it from a screen. I write in they way I like to read stories, which I think every writer does.

@Calle

Well most things I read actually tend to have far more prose than I do. But we probably read different material based on tastes anyhow. But it's fine if it wasn't your strength. But it was directly suggested in the rules of the prompt, if you weren't comfortable with doing it, there's always another prompt. And I personally like to challenge myself when I'm writing these prompts. Because it's not just for me. But I can understand that logic.

Another suggestion in hindsight since you wanted it to be a straight forward tale, and it does kind of seem like a fable (without the moral or symbolism. Not saying either is needed for the record.) Perhaps, if you rhymed your sentences? Just a little extra something to make it feel a little more whimsical, it was a fantasy story after all. I guess it always come down to personal taste...(I usually don't write so flowery myself. But believe me, it required effort and editing on my part to achieve it. Because I didn't want to settle for my standard.)

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I'll use the example from your story that you used to compare our forest scenes to explain.

"like the battle scars bared on his bare back"
I never would consider using scars baring on a bare back. I would say the scars 'show' or 'were visible' on the bare back. Or just say 'back', because the showing of scars implies the back is bare.

In your review of my previous entry you mentioned the repetition of words, redundant words / sentences and how they should be avoided, so this sentence makes me wonder in what situations are things redundant and when do they add to a descriptive scene?

@Calle

So "like the battle scars that were visible on his back." (Ironically that makes the sentence longer, which isn't really shortening it at all. But I'll defend, why I would not change it to that...)

Every sentence and word needs a purpose to add detail to a scene. If you didn't notice, most of that sentence started with the letter 'B'. That is intentional and spread throughout my story. Those are called alliterations. If I made those changes, it would no longer have similar consonants. Plus, that is purposeful word play for similar words. But is not the same word, nor is it describing the same thing.

Baring was about the scars being obvious across his back. But the bare back, implied he was topless. You're sentence does not carry the idea he has no shirt, it implies if he -wasn't- wearing clothes. You could see his scars. (Or maybe that the clothes were tattered to a point, you could see scars on his back.)

I hope the combination of wordplay and attempts to keep as many alliterations in my story as possible, makes sense on why I'd use -similar- words and how that it's quite the same redundancy I brought up before. Where if you changed the word, nothing would matter.

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"as sweat drooled from his forehead"
I didn't know sweat could drool from a forehead, I would use 'ran down', or maybe just say he was sweating, because I assume people know what sweating is.

@Calle

The drool is not merely suppose to define the sweat itself, like I wrote "he sweated moisture"

That's prose not quite meant to be taken literally. It's a descriptor signifying the -amount- of sweat. (Imagine armpits 'drooling' sweat like a leaky faucet. That's a lot of sweat. :P) Shows the heat and the amount of strain its putting on his body being in this jungle. (I also didn't actually ever specify that Ross was human or not. So maybe you could interpret it literally and assume it's a different species. There -are- giant snake people that play poker after all...

It also directly connects to the creature literally drooling that was stalking after him, which you could almost see transition in your head. Imagine a sweat pouring from the forehead, to a beast staring at its prey with an opened jaw drooling. Least I can, and that's what was intended.

"The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step."

This part confused me, I couldn't follow it and had no idea what was really going on, aside from the fact he was sweating because it's warm and he hears a creature? I'd most likely just write 'it was hot' instead of 'The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees', because while I know trees can be tall, I have no idea how tall the kapok tree is.

@Calle

You said you don't understand it, but yet you basically perfectly explained what transpired in that scene. XP

(The first sentence, describing the heat and his sweating. Which paralleled to the stalking predator creature following him while hidden from sight. Could you not guess whose paranoia that is? And what it means that he hopes the creature is tracking anything else?)

123rf.com/photo_18976646_thick-jungle… What "creepers" are.

Okay, again notice the amount of "T's" in that sentence. That is on purpose and there's more than one thing that sentence accomplishes. Than just putting "it was hot..."

Also, the critique that I should edit something solely because you -personally- don't know something. Is quite silly, because many writers clearly don't follow that advice for a reason. Many want to teach people concepts and themes, they wouldn't think about on their own. I don't think it was too abstract to understand the idea behind the passage even if the exact words weren't known.

But it's not like I choose that tree haphazardly. Kapok trees are specifically jungle/tropical rain forest trees. It not only happens to be 200 feet tall, which allows the temperature rises that high be an exaggeration that makes a clear point. But it also gives a context clue about the setting. Where as "trees" wouldn't do the same.

rainforest-alliance.org/species/kapok…

"Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."

That is very elegant, a very nice way to describe how he feels in the jungle, but I could never come up with that.
I would have made it simpler. Like "He stopped to see a brightly coloured bird, drinking from the nectar of a beautiful flower. Suddenly the flower shut its jaws (...)"

So that's where we differ. Or maybe I'm just a mediocre writer who uses simple vocabulary and basic descriptions and who will never reach your level of eloquence.

@Calle

But I probably didn't need the word 'carnivorous' in there. Since it -ate- a bird. (Nobody is perfect.)

I'm no writing genius. These words certainly didn't all flow straight to the page, without me pausing and straining to come up with words with the same consonants throughout the story. I can barely stop myself from writing run-on sentences or 180% too hard and writing fragments instead. I think anyone could genuinely write like this with enough desire and effort to do so. But not everyone needs to write like that, just find your voice and what you're good at doing...

I've written utter crap before, I'll do it again. And I've never been under the impression that I can't improve every single time. But that's the only way one can get better. I don't comment on others punctuation unless blatant and prevalent, because I consider myself outright garbage at that. It's also a lot less fun to correct such frivolous, but vital things in stories.

(So if you're wondering why I avoided such details...now you know.)

Plus I read all the stories at once, aloud to my roommate to pass the time in the laundromat. So I didn't have my computer, to start and stop while nitpicking every sentence. Which is why these focused on general concepts, opposed to picking it apart.

I have to say this, it is possible that people who fish professionally do not like to eat it.

@Calle

Heh. Well, it started out as a mere humorous quip of the obviousness of said statement. But actually when I examined the context of the rest of the sentences, as I explained. You still didn't actually need to mention they actually enjoyed their hobby. Because of the clues of the quest itself. Wanting the golden fish for food, describing it's sweet taste, and explaining that they've eaten every type of fish there was. So my own admittance to that just striking a personal chord. XD I'd just objectively argue that there's even context clues that it wasn't needed. Or maybe their fondness of seafood, could have been described in a more playful way. Like if the fisherman sang a tune about their love of fish. Who doesn't like singing? ;3

I'm sorry this got so long, I guess I felt the need to explain myself properly.

@Calle

Not at all, I hope my explanations made sense and cleared up the confusions you might have had.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

The prompt is Adventure, I didn't want to just have an Adventure. I wanted something more than crossing a landscape, so I opted to try something else alongside it - a character who explores himself and language through the course of the story.

@Vocab

I do enjoy that there's a little more to it than that. I wanted and tried accomplishing the same thing. (least in terms of making it not just an adventure.)

Honestly, I love the idea. Just not the execution. (Honestly I did not notice if your character happened to "go to multiple locations" in your story or not when reading it. So, as long as it fit the general rule presented. The prompt has so few rules, it seems like it should be important to at least follow the ones given.)

Hence my attempt at making their prose better, their sentences longer, and their grammar better, as the story progressed. Another example I'd key into, that you also mentioned, would be inconsistency. The inconsistency is present, again, to give the illusion that the character is adapting to the things they are writing and saying and learning.

@Vocab

I honestly just didn't understand the progression...It needed to be clearer and more straightforward. Maybe even more over the top. If it was getting better as the story went on, why did it only misspell words over half way through than never again? Nor corrected it's own mistakes again?

And if it was suppose to become longer and subsequently more coherent. Then why even until the very ending are the sentences fragmented?

If it was literally gibberish at the start, then it had continuous writing errors and fragments in the start improving over time to speak more naturally while itself piecing together their identity and the world around them, that could have added another layer.

Of course, as I said, I went into this unsure exactly how it would turn out and be received. It's no surprise to me that I probably failed in what I set out to do especially when I rushed half of it on the last day XD

@Vocab

But I sympathize with that, I cranked out my ending pretty quickly and didn't do the editing/polish that I wanted to do.

In any case, thanks for the criticism. Hopefully my next entry will be more likeable in your eyes ^^

@Vocab

I hope so too. Appreciate the response. (Hopefully, I didn't come across too harshly.)

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

The fake word was intentional according to Ripley's Believe It or Not. I was having fun with lyrics and song titles when I wrote this piece. Fantasmic is the name of a Nightwish song, and not-so-coincidentally, the title of this piece is in reference to the song Cassie by Flyleaf. A spellchecker would have been helpful, though. Thank you very much for the recommendation. I am quite clutsy. I mean, klutyz.

@Briza

I see...But I don't really see the relevance between that show and the story. Nor, the Flyleaf song. So it didn't really come across that way. (But I like that song, so no complaints.) I can relate to the idea of listening to music unrelated yet similar in mood while writing. As I wrote part of my story while playing The Dear Hunter - His Hands Matched His Tongue.

The use of the word, gaunt is a play with the crowfoot grass, which signifies, although the meadow appears alive, he is actually in a state of dying.

@Briza

Actually, forgive me. This was my fuck up. I assumed most of the other were different spellings. The internet lied to me. :P

But, I never said what season it was! The green leaves are signifying this, and I stand by my point because different parts of the world hold different shades and hues of grass and leaf combinations depending on the time of the year.

@Briza

Everything is debatable. But I think the light breeze, radiant sun, the green of the trees already mentioned. The clear blue sky and the fact they're outside and it hadn't mentioned cold weather, or rain. And the grass was still soft. That you'd have enough context clues without mentioning the color of the leaves.

It is okay. You do not need to apologize, but your apology is accepted. I am sorry my writing felt like paint drying on the wall.

@Briza

That might be a little too harsh. :P I didn't want to sound rude, but I felt I had to be honest with my thoughts on each piece.

In whatever defense of your last comment: they were in the meadows; they went on the mountain path; and they finished at the top of the mountain. It is understandable to make that mistake, though.

@Briza

So, a meadow directly next to mountain, going up the mountain and being on the mountain? I guess, my character had one extra place they went to themselves. Well I doubt that detail will matter in others judgement anyway. Worked fine for the story you were trying to tell.

With that said, thank you for your critique! I will probably not be returning your favor and make it for some reason like I'm lazy I am super spiteful you did not even go into any of the foreshadowing of how the story would end or what the flower symbolized or how the story loops itself and why. Now, if you'll excuse me, Briza has some crying to do over spilled milk.

@Briza

I appreciate the playful response. But I would like to address the lack of foreshadowing. Because my god, I had so much of it I was afraid I was too on the nose. XD And as for symbolism, you don't have to look up what a cyclamen symbolizes via google, to understand what it meant in context with the story. And I'm unsure what you mean by looping itself and why? But I'll explain the themes and such of my story. As well as one can, in the middle of the night.

Spoilers?

Character's Name: Ross (Initials R.K)
-Shock of the war
-Snake/Denial
-Pyrolisk/Anger
-Bartender/Barginning
-Lake/Depression
-Man/Testing
-Grave/Acceptance

There's a chance and possibility of an unreliable narrator, that this amnesia never existed. That these events never actually happened. Dude was in a war and suffered, so these literally could all be in his head. But it's also ambiguous.

Consider what all the monster characters said, and Ross. And ask what if it was him, directly talking about the mother.

The snake's "She’ll be happy to see you again. Forgiving you with a big kiss and serving your favorite meal for dinner." Like he got back from the war, and she'd still be there.

The chicken's "If you cared about her so much, why is she gone?"

Even the bartenders, "I can only implore caution on your journey. No one traverses here unless they’re connected with death...” Could easily be referring to the alcoholism and sprialing down that path, not the bar itself. (which is also could be foreshadowing the mother's death. When Ross takes about a comment of his own health.)

The Lake "Let go!" Had nothing to do with the seaweed. It was about being unable to let go of his mothers death.

As for extra foreshadowing...there's plenty. The title. Just passing. Frankly, this was made me think I was being to obvious. What does 'passing' refer to?

Ross saying a compass couldn't find his mother, because her soul is elsewhere. So there's quite a bit of foreshadowing, maybe you're also being playful here. It's hard to tell on the internet...

I also still want someone to get a chuckle that the person resembling denial is a literal snake oil salesman...Why does no one like my puns? ;-;

I want extra credit that I knew these flowers existed because I used to help my mother with gardening. :I

It's a poisonous flower that symbolizes death, the fact that all good things will eventually end and goodbyes. It's basically less obvious (and romantic/happy) version of roses. Which seems appropriate for a mother/son relationship. But that also doesn't need to be said, to get the connection.

canadianflowerdelivery.com/cyclamen.aspx

That's probably not everything, I haven't reread it recently...but maybe that clarifies the 'lack of' foreshadow bit. At the very least. :)

What Are You Listening To?

This piano bit/melody, is -totally- from another song and it's diving me mad that I can't place it.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

So I’m not going to do full reviews for these. For reasons of I might end up just coming off too harsh (for far too long.) So keeping it very brief, and I will be trying to provide examples. So it doesn’t look like blind and empty criticism.

“Say, ‘Yes,’ and we can stay here forever.” By Briʓa

“His memory was so fantasmic.”

Aside from that being my new favorite word, it also isn’t the only sign that you didn’t run the post through basic spellcheck. Since the story is the longest, it only makes sense that errors might be easier to slip through the cracks. (Stuff like sentences with spaces that are too long.) But, this is literally at the last paragraph. That and the first tend to be the ones looked over the most. So it doesn’t seem like any effort was made to actually edit it…since spelling is by the far the easiest thing to fix.

A tall, gaunt piece of crowfoot grass stuck out of Matthias’ mouth.

For another example, though this mistake might have been missed with software because “Gaunt” is a word, just not the right one for this sentence.

They were both lying in the meadows with their bodies folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves. Along the sky were white, velvety clouds, fluffy and light in their weight, held against the gentle blue that expanded across the horizon that wrapped around the mountain top. Forming the distance were trees with green, and white bark that stretched upwards for long whiles. Some of the trunks were thicker and grayer with ebony markings. The leaves were light green, but their veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun, gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.

First paragraphs mean everything in stories, and it kind of displays what I feel is the general clunkiness and over abundance of the same, throughout the entire story.

You use white, blue and green, ‘light’ green, ‘ebony’, gray, yellow all in one paragraph to set the scenes. That many colors used solely for quick unimportant descriptions, plus using so many single word adverbs and descriptions necessarily tacked on.

It sort of feels like that kind of filler is throughout the story, like someone saying "I'm sorry" followed by explaining the person saying that felt bad. Or just using words that mean the same thing to describe an object, like "dumb and stupid."

But I’ll try breaking my thoughts down...

“Folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves.“ I’m not even entirely sure what’s being conveyed here. My assumption is ‘lying in the grass, bending it and leaving indents.’ Which is also far quicker to say and should have been said to cut down words.

Both were lying in the meadows with their bodies bending the grass underneath.

(You also don’t need both “they and both” because both is enough to imply the amount of people in said scene.)

Along the sky were white, velvety clouds, fluffy and light in their weight, held against the gentle blue that expanded across the horizon that wrapped around the mountain top.

Along the blue that expanded across the horizon; white, fluffy clouds that wrapped around the mountain top.

(You have so many added words, that don’t actually change what I picture in my head.)

Forming the distance were trees with green, and white bark that stretched upwards for long whiles.

Forming the distance were trees with green and white bark, stretching far upwards.

(‘For long whiles’ just personally bugs me. And anyway to cut words to make it mean the same thing, you usually want to do.)

Some of the trunks were thicker and grayer with ebony markings. The leaves were light green, but their veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun, gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.

Some trunks were thicker and ashier with ebony markings. The leaves veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun and gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.

Everyone knows leaves are green, unless you specify otherwise the reader automatic thinks about that, another reason why I brought up over use of color descriptions, because if you use “sky” you don’t need to add “gentle blue”, because that’s the first thing that pops into one’s mind picturing a sky. And just for flavor, since you had to add “ebony” instead of black, is seems less out of place to just use “grey” when you could have added another ‘flavorful’ word.

When it comes to repetition in word choice, you have a lot I felt that could have been cut.

You use ‘could’ 40 times, ‘about’ 37 times, 'more' 36 times, 'wanted' 32 times, 'again' 30 times. Etc.

Just as a word of personal advice. There’s many sentences were you didn’t need those words included. So you should have cut them. Try going through your story and ask, what else could I have put there? I was going through it and was able to replace a lot of those words without effecting the meaning of the sentences.

(wordcounter.net Seriously, tools like this improve writing awareness. Couldn’t recommend it enough.)

I'm sorry, but just overall felt like the story was too slow paced for me to enjoy it. And unless I’m blind, it doesn’t even appear to have followed the only guideline given and expressed in the rules. “Go to several (assuming at least 3.) different locations throughout in your story.” And it seems like they remained in the same location, they just climbed the mountain which seemed to be the single location they traversed.

The quest for the Golden Fish by Calle

Another “Wah, Wah, Wah” story. But this time I feel like I have a fundamental problem with how this story was told…

Basically five fisherman, need to get a fish that will grant them fame and fortune. So obviously have long careers, love their job and want to do this quest. Then four go away for mundane and boring reasons and the five ends the gag he forgot his stuff ending in an anti-climax. I guess it’s mildly humorous, but it literally feels like I wasted my time reading at the end. Just leaves me stabbing at plot holes inside a silly story…

If you wanted the anti-climax thing to work and be more effective, wouldn’t it had been more interesting for the quest to be super dramatic and serious for the previous four to give up? Going through a treacherous storm over the water, a man falls overboard and had be be thrown a life vest. Another gets so ill, that he’s sent back on a boat. Whatever. Just anything to make the “Shit, I finally got through and went through all of that and I didn’t bring my fishing pole!” That makes the cruel irony that much stronger...

Also, not to do direct comparisons. But the story goes over so many of the same locals as mine does. But yours is very simple and not very complicated in terms of descriptions. Something we were asked to flower up a bit. Since the story is so short, obviously you couldn’t. But you could have, because unlike previous contests. This had no word limits.

Let me take the “forest scene” as an example. From yours, than mine.

They walked through a thick forest, the leaves on the branches kept the path hidden from the sun. Only when the wind blew strong enough would the leaves allow small openings through which the rays of the sun found their way down, until the openings closed again. The thick bushes on either side of the trail seemed impenetrable. The forest itself was full of life, insects buzzed, birds twittered and chirped, and a bear roared.

Not a whole lot left to the imagination, with very dry explanations.

Ross carried the red cyclamens; a dozen bundled together like the battle scars bared on his bare back. Matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees. The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step. Elbowing checking the low hanging branches, blocking his march through the mud. Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle.

Can you see the difference? Ignoring the wordplay, vocabulary, alliterations inside the actual writing. Does that still not paint a more vivid and interesting picture in one’s head? I guess that’s for you to decide.

And I’m sorry, there was no other way to properly express my thoughts about this sentence...

“But the fisherman loved to eat fish.”

You don’t say? The fishermen whose entire job it is to fish. (Which in the previous sentence already implies their fish related quest will be used for food, which was described as “sweet” tasting. Which is already associated with pleasantness. With the following sentence explaining they don’t just eat fish, they eat “all” the fish.) Just so happens, that these fishermen actually like fish?

Nomen By Vocab

Okay, forgive me for sounding pretentious. But after I’ve read and not really understood many of your previous prompts. I think this one made me finally ‘get it’. You are the absolute antithesis of my writing style. That isn’t meant as an insult, nor a criticism. I genuinely believe your particular style is one of a kind on this forum. I’ve not seen someone write quite like this before on the forum, and feels consistent through all the other prompts.

I feel like this one could be classified as a “signature” writing. That if someone asked “What should I read to understand -insert author- here?” I would point people to this prompt for you...take that how you will, maybe I’m wholly wrong here. But I feel like I needed to get that out of my system, before I could properly express just a few of my overwhelming problems with this story…

The litany of grammatical errors and incorrect sentences are numerous throughout the story...and I already know the defense for this. That the character, an AI of some kind, is directly and purposely making all these sentences weird and unnatural. But if you’re going to do that, the errors absolutely need to be consistent and they are not.

Another house had a people inside.

(‘A’ people, is not grammatically correct. So now, I expect the AI to not know how to properly pluralize. Kind of like that youtube MC rapper parody.)

But in other sentences…

I thought the people would be more Sun than Sun.

(And what makes it worse, is that it’s in the very same paragraph. So if the idea might have been that the writing that maybe the AI was adapting language slowly. While it learned, just maybe that could have been really clever use of sentence structures.)

And you kind of do this at one point striking through misspelled words, but you don’t do this enough and only in one single paragraph and I'd argued isn't even used enough in that particular paragraph...I kind of expected and wanted stuff like “aovmibmebrmobenmbr” to fill a page. Just meaningless bashing of keys, because it sort of felt like the narrator was malfunctioning. Or maybe encrypted text code, some style that could only be used in a forum writing.

Also, there’s 877 unique words in this 3,396 word story. 25% of the words haven’t been repeated, so 75% have. Just for direct comparison sake. My story has a similar word count to yours, and has 1,649. Almost double. And believe me, it’s noticeable. While some of it might have purpose. I feel like this went way overboard with the repetition with the same word/phrases repeated ad-nauseam.

“corrupted corruption or names. The corrupted corruption of corrupted names on corrupted screens corrupting names. The pen moves but when it moves paper corrupts. Ink corrupts. Black and fluid, then dry and corrupt. I corrupt.”

Speaking this aloud, which I did, made it feel like a tongue twister, and it absolutely does not flow well. This is one example and its like this the entire story...

Unless I missed some kind of satire, the best of intentions assumes that this was written in the best way one could to describe the feeling of a character, move the plot forward. Be some kind of clever wordplay, interesting foreshadowing or something. I don’t want to feel like I could expose weaknesses in writing, by merely jumbling the sentence to make it mean the same thing and make the exact same amount of sense. So please, tell me if I’m missing something here.

What does this change? I implore you to do this in the same way to all your sentences.

“Corruption corrupted or names, The corruption corrupted of names corrupted on corrupted screens names corrupting. The pen moves but when it moves corrupts paper, corrupts ink. Black and fluid, then corrupt and dry. I corrupt.”

I think it’s already clear I’m not fond of this piece. But maybe it’s simply just not my thing. I 100% accept that I don't understand the intent. Take my critique with a grain of salt.