KactusPunch
Crown Sage
MarshalSolgriev
SkyeOfStars
princess
Zeroth..Lesser men turned away from the task, too fearful of the demons infamy and conscience to seize victory. Only mighty Hercules had the courage to succeed without shame or remorse.
Those of you who have completed this task - It is the daring of only the unchained will that may stand beneath the judging eyes of gods and men without fear or apology. You are hereby worthy of bearing the title...
Pride of Augeas
Congratulations to the winning authors of the following stories:
-How to Ruin a Life
-Spirits of Vietnam by @mdk.
-The Visage of Conduct by @WiseDragonGirl.
-Same Mistakes by @Holmishire.
-Apocalypse Maiden by @PlatinumSkink.
Your stories have been added to The Twelve Labours Victory Archives, to which there will be a permanent link in my signature. In addition, your victory has been announced in both the News and Roleplaying Discussion Subforums!
On a more somber note, while every contestant managed to clear the challenge parameters, all of you failed to earn this Labour's Challenge Accolade - Adroit Probity. A true shame, as I have come as of late to expect nothing less than exemplary arete from some amongst your number. For the time being, I will hold on to the Accolade until I find some other use for it. Perhaps as an additional obstacle within the Final Hazard.
Decision: this story cleared the challenge and won the fifth labour.
Feedback: I want to start with saying it is a good story. I do have some points I want to bring up, but overall I think it’s quality entry. The storytelling is pleasant and it has a nice flow to it. Everything is well described and there are enough details to imagine what is happening.
The first paragraph seems to take things for granted which someone who doesn’t know much about the subject won’t know about. I, for one, don’t know who this hero Hugh Thompson Jr. is. I assumed this was an actual hero in this war and a search on Google confirmed that, but as I read through the story I felt very little information was given about the mentioned hero and what he did. For the reader who doesn’t know about who Thompson was or what happened there, additional information would help, because it was obviously important enough to mention.
Another thing I missed in the beginning of the story is showing us who corporal Lance Peters was before the metaphorical flip of the switch that took place inside his head. We only get to know his position in the army and his other side.
“He did his work. Johnson felt it.” I understand not wanting to get too graphical, because these two sentences indicate it wasn’t a pretty sight to see Lance busy, but at the same time I wouldn’t mind to see more. In comparison to the other deaths that were described, this one is a bit minimalistic.
Feedback: I want to start with saying it is a good story. I do have some points I want to bring up, but overall I think it’s quality entry. The storytelling is pleasant and it has a nice flow to it. Everything is well described and there are enough details to imagine what is happening.
The first paragraph seems to take things for granted which someone who doesn’t know much about the subject won’t know about. I, for one, don’t know who this hero Hugh Thompson Jr. is. I assumed this was an actual hero in this war and a search on Google confirmed that, but as I read through the story I felt very little information was given about the mentioned hero and what he did. For the reader who doesn’t know about who Thompson was or what happened there, additional information would help, because it was obviously important enough to mention.
Another thing I missed in the beginning of the story is showing us who corporal Lance Peters was before the metaphorical flip of the switch that took place inside his head. We only get to know his position in the army and his other side.
“He did his work. Johnson felt it.” I understand not wanting to get too graphical, because these two sentences indicate it wasn’t a pretty sight to see Lance busy, but at the same time I wouldn’t mind to see more. In comparison to the other deaths that were described, this one is a bit minimalistic.
Decision: this story cleared the challenge and won the fifth labour.
Feedback: I don’t have much to say about this entry, which in itself is positive because I didn’t find anything I feel could have done better. It’s easy to follow what’s going on and enough details to get an idea of what the grazers are and how the base and equipment looks. The pacing is good, the action scenes are well described and aren’t too long. The beginning is strong, we’re drawn right into the action after getting an idea about the world the story takes place in.
What I’m missing is a glance of life in the base off-duty. That is a perfect moment to show us the characters when they can be themselves. That would have been a nice addition to the story, but without that the story is still good, so it’s not something that has to be added. It’s just that would make it a bit more personal. And speaking of personal, Heilsson’s death would have been more tragic if we would have gotten a glance at this person. I’m not talking about watching die, even if this is a possibility, but you know, people talking about him afterwards. Possibly combined with the free time. Again, the story is good as it is, but there is room to add little things like this.
Feedback: I don’t have much to say about this entry, which in itself is positive because I didn’t find anything I feel could have done better. It’s easy to follow what’s going on and enough details to get an idea of what the grazers are and how the base and equipment looks. The pacing is good, the action scenes are well described and aren’t too long. The beginning is strong, we’re drawn right into the action after getting an idea about the world the story takes place in.
What I’m missing is a glance of life in the base off-duty. That is a perfect moment to show us the characters when they can be themselves. That would have been a nice addition to the story, but without that the story is still good, so it’s not something that has to be added. It’s just that would make it a bit more personal. And speaking of personal, Heilsson’s death would have been more tragic if we would have gotten a glance at this person. I’m not talking about watching die, even if this is a possibility, but you know, people talking about him afterwards. Possibly combined with the free time. Again, the story is good as it is, but there is room to add little things like this.
While this entry was perhaps the simplest both in structure and in execution, there is something to be said for its efficiency and directness. No grammatical issues or typos of note. My only complaint in terms of arrangement are the ambiguous switches between the first and second person narration - with actions described in the first but with introspective statements in the second, as follows:
These are minor errors which occur only three times in extremely short segues, while the remainder of the passage is pristine. I did notice them on the first read-through, but the rest of the story was such a clean read that I hardly even cared. In the future be sure to either keep your narrative tense set, or else use an appropriate transition whenever you switch between them.
As far as the story itself goes, it was nice to have something more grounded and relatable. Moreso than the other stories, this one illustrated that the sort of release the challenge required not only enables the individual to accomplish what they couldn't previously, but also that doing so could easily end in self destruction - both in the social and personal sense, often accomplishing nothing.
For your first time participating in one of this forum's contests, I applaud your effort. You clearly have the skill and the discipline. Continue as you have been. Aspire to greater heights, and experiment with new ideas. I hope to see you enter the Sixth Labour.
I smiled. So this is what freedom tastes like.
I smiled. God, this is great.
These are minor errors which occur only three times in extremely short segues, while the remainder of the passage is pristine. I did notice them on the first read-through, but the rest of the story was such a clean read that I hardly even cared. In the future be sure to either keep your narrative tense set, or else use an appropriate transition whenever you switch between them.
As far as the story itself goes, it was nice to have something more grounded and relatable. Moreso than the other stories, this one illustrated that the sort of release the challenge required not only enables the individual to accomplish what they couldn't previously, but also that doing so could easily end in self destruction - both in the social and personal sense, often accomplishing nothing.
For your first time participating in one of this forum's contests, I applaud your effort. You clearly have the skill and the discipline. Continue as you have been. Aspire to greater heights, and experiment with new ideas. I hope to see you enter the Sixth Labour.
I have to say that although this passed muster, from my perspective this is your most disappointing submission to date. The whole passage is riddled with awkward grammar and typos, moreso than your previous entries. Not enough for it to fall beneath my tolerance, but it's settling down against the bar. I would advise going through future entries a tad more carefully - many of these errors are small and affect the verbal flow of the story more than the aesthetic structure. It might look fine upon inspection, but reading through it as though for the first time or aloud would probably have caught most of the problems. Having a second party on hand might help lend some additional perspective, and there's no rule against it.
As far as the story goes - I got the impression you were trying to relay a degree of gravity and seriousness to the story that was not quite present in your past stories, but if so the attempt has fallen flat. The conflict between the two forces has the seeming of cheap wallpaper hastily applied to plywood using super glue, and the behavior of the individuals a childish caricature. The setting overall lacked the substance and internal integrity your previous stories had. As far as advice goes, I do not know how much experience you have with wide-scale storytelling (of the type one might expect to see armies and battlefield warfare to be found in), but the clearest break from your prior stories would appear to be scope. Perhaps try reining it in a little and practicing until you have a better feel for it, or else try to find a way to more effectively translate the charm and detail of your previous stories into the greater scope of something like this one.
I passed this entry because you did adhere to the challenge parameters and because it is just above my threshold of tolerance as far as quality goes, but know that I am unimpressed. Try harder. It wouldn't do for you to get knocked out of your victory streak.
As far as the story goes - I got the impression you were trying to relay a degree of gravity and seriousness to the story that was not quite present in your past stories, but if so the attempt has fallen flat. The conflict between the two forces has the seeming of cheap wallpaper hastily applied to plywood using super glue, and the behavior of the individuals a childish caricature. The setting overall lacked the substance and internal integrity your previous stories had. As far as advice goes, I do not know how much experience you have with wide-scale storytelling (of the type one might expect to see armies and battlefield warfare to be found in), but the clearest break from your prior stories would appear to be scope. Perhaps try reining it in a little and practicing until you have a better feel for it, or else try to find a way to more effectively translate the charm and detail of your previous stories into the greater scope of something like this one.
I passed this entry because you did adhere to the challenge parameters and because it is just above my threshold of tolerance as far as quality goes, but know that I am unimpressed. Try harder. It wouldn't do for you to get knocked out of your victory streak.
That's more like it. Although this entry did still have a lot in the way of awkward grammar and the occasional typo, it was much less profuse than in prior entries. I would say that 'Little Guardian' had better makeup overall, but this is nearly on the same level - and is a bit longer. By this point all I can do is comment that while the problem does not seem to be getting worse, it does not seem to be abating. Next time, you may many to consider a different approach to proof-reading. I know you said you submitted this rather hastily before you had a chance to go through it thoroughly, so a thought: After writing a section, go through the whole thing for errors before continuing. Your plot will wait for you, and it shouldn't require any schedule juggling.
I do like the commitment to the setup. One thing you've firmly established is your knack for internal plot details, and the circumstances that led to the Maiden's destructive rise made for an entertaining read. You did take a while to get to the crux of the story, but as I have said before: There is no substitute for taking the time to write out the entirety of what is needed for the story to work, and that is precisely what you did.
Visiting the combat scene, we finally come across the story's real problem. The battle between our magicians was, in my opinion at least, much more engaging than your previous battle scenes. It had greater tactical aspect to it, and although we don't get a great description of any of the characters' appearances or that of their attacks, the narrative does an excellent job of relaying the actions and consequences in a natural way. The problem though is that you keep getting ahead of yourself - throughout the whole story (the battle in particular is just the point where it occurs most prominently), you bombard the reader with narrative exposition. The exposition is not a bad thing, but you spend almost more time explaining parts of the story than telling it, continuously introducing new details - which is sort of detrimental to the engaging aspects of the experience. My suggestion here is to show, not tell. Don't cut or scale back the exposition entirely, but space it out a bit more appropriately allow the readers to interpret and infer some of it on their own with the actions in the story and the behavior of the characters.
As for how you handled the challenge itself, you neatly nailed it right on the head, capturing both the positive and detrimental aspects of such a dramatic change in a manner which perfectly meets what I was looking for - Awesome, horrific, grand in scale, and not something that the individual in question would have envisioned themselves doing prior - with far reaching consequences. The double-take Judith has at the very end after she 'rescues' Min was particularly well executed.
Congratulations, and keep at it.
I do like the commitment to the setup. One thing you've firmly established is your knack for internal plot details, and the circumstances that led to the Maiden's destructive rise made for an entertaining read. You did take a while to get to the crux of the story, but as I have said before: There is no substitute for taking the time to write out the entirety of what is needed for the story to work, and that is precisely what you did.
Visiting the combat scene, we finally come across the story's real problem. The battle between our magicians was, in my opinion at least, much more engaging than your previous battle scenes. It had greater tactical aspect to it, and although we don't get a great description of any of the characters' appearances or that of their attacks, the narrative does an excellent job of relaying the actions and consequences in a natural way. The problem though is that you keep getting ahead of yourself - throughout the whole story (the battle in particular is just the point where it occurs most prominently), you bombard the reader with narrative exposition. The exposition is not a bad thing, but you spend almost more time explaining parts of the story than telling it, continuously introducing new details - which is sort of detrimental to the engaging aspects of the experience. My suggestion here is to show, not tell. Don't cut or scale back the exposition entirely, but space it out a bit more appropriately allow the readers to interpret and infer some of it on their own with the actions in the story and the behavior of the characters.
As for how you handled the challenge itself, you neatly nailed it right on the head, capturing both the positive and detrimental aspects of such a dramatic change in a manner which perfectly meets what I was looking for - Awesome, horrific, grand in scale, and not something that the individual in question would have envisioned themselves doing prior - with far reaching consequences. The double-take Judith has at the very end after she 'rescues' Min was particularly well executed.
Congratulations, and keep at it.