[OOC] Corrected & Connected

[Krauxis]

Just FYI, I've edited Karako's bio a bit to flesh out a couple of questions that were nagging me. Specifically "Why would the Gvn want to add a known criminal to their ranks?" is the big one that had been bugging me. Anybody concerned (GMs still reviewing, for example) may want to give the last two paragraphs of her bio a quick reread when you get the chance. I dunno if that was something that would have been bothersome at all, but it was bugging me a bit so I decided that a little expansion never hurt. Edit: Also edited her combat abilities to be a little more specific than just listing her basic weapon kit.

[AliceInRedHeels]

@TalijaKey It definitely reads better but there's still a few minor spelling errors here and there. Also did you mean grief where you have griffin at? Or does he actually have one? Hah. ^^ I think a timer for the heightened pain tolerance be good, even with a high tolerance your body would still take damage and not being able to sense it could be a bad thing in the long run. Also this is just for my own clarification, about your hammer, is it a baby hammer? My math could be off but isn't. 5 m only around a foot and half long? Which would make sense if he swings it on a chain to make a shield? Unless I'm misunderstanding that part as well. ~ Alice

[Krauxis]

Actually yeah, those specs are pretty much the size and weight of a normal hammer that you'd use to build a deck or something o_o' You could still totally use it as a weapon, but I got the impression of a big person-sized hammer in my head.

[AliceInRedHeels]

Likewise,it was why I was confused as to how you could swing a 5-foot hammer on a chain..

[vietmyke]

@TalijaKey, is your Warhammer a 1 or 2 handed weapon? Also, instead of a 'charge time' what would probably make more sense is a 'change time' as morphing your weapon into something heavier would likely take time(as opposed to just a imagined charge period) - I personally believe that it is a bit early for your character to have a passive ability alongside his active abilities- and a timer can difficult to work in an rp, which naturally has an abstract view of time. Resisting pain and pain tolerance is also more of a mental/learned thing than a programmable ability - I would also recommend expanding on the rest of his personality traits as well. My mentality is the more detail, the better. - I haven't finished rereading his background yet but I'm noticing a few spelling and grammatical errors here in there. This concludes CO-GM Myke's feedback . I think Milos is a good character, just needs a bit of spit and polish. -awk. Hadn't noticed that Alice had posted. Welp, like I said, these are my personal thoughts.

[AliceInRedHeels]

@Krauxis Hello ^^ Do you mind expanding on her what her criminal activities might have entailed? We had assumed it was just your basic delinquency but didn't quite make sense that it would need a governmental pardon. Also on that note, if her pardon isn't publicly known wouldn't she be stopped often by cops for carrying a sword around the city? Seems like a bit of a safety hazard, yea? Hah. Besides that the rest of it seems fine, the technicalities for her weapon are well balanced as is her personality for the most part. ~ Alice

[TalijaKey]

@AliceInRedHeels

@vietmyke

It is a one hand weapon but he can use it with both hands for a stronger hit. Not sure if that is called baby hammer or not. The war hammer in my idea should be somewhat lighter than a sledge hammer. ( so lower than 4.5 kg or 10 pounds) He tends to swing it horizontally as often as vertically. The weight shouldnt be too high for that...I think. Added the explanation for the personality. Will do another round of checking the grammar and spelling tomorrow. So I see the mistakes easier.

[Genkai]

As a note, I'll be returning to my other post to keep reviewing the submission since they're on the first page anyway, so they're easier to get to/look at as I write. As a quick note though, @TalijaKey you probably shouldn't have presented us with your weaker writing sample since it is a first impression and if you knew it has flaws, they should have been checked before submitting since it saves us all a bit of time. ^^; I have to write about 2-3 essays this weekend which includes a total rewrite of one and prepare for a group presentation. Even so, I should find bits of time still come on when needed, as I do lurk offline on my phone to check threads. I'll tag mentions in the other thread to keep things better collected. Thanks for your understanding guys.

[Hella Cute]

@TalijaKey So it's more like a mace in size and weight, but it's also shaped like a hammer on the end and also has a chain on the end. Sounds pretty kickass

[Genkai]

Hey @Hella Cute you're accepted, feel free to post your sheets in the tab.

[TheMusketMan]

@TheMusketMan Whitehead is a really weird last name...not sure I'll be able to think about your guy without thinking about some kind of weird Indian or guy with weird acne (whitehead to blackhead idk). Erm moving on... Personality is hard to read mostly because out that blurb I get: +Charismatic and outgoing and then -blunt. The background about the personality just muddles it for me, you should probably just stick to the curt style everyone else is doing because some of the details like him smoking or liking Western culture don't really have anything to do with actual personality traits. To me, those are more quirks or mannerisms. I need to know his bare bones personality, not necessarily that he's a biker. You could then approach it by answering: What does being a biker say about him personally? He is free spirited, like freedom ('murica!?), etc? You do give us more in the history like him being friendly and positive but really those are synonyms and end up being redundant, rather than informative. Maybe cite HOW he was friendly briefly? I'm tempted to say military would be obsolete due to "world peace" being established and everyone pretty much staying in "line" with everything, but it isn't a huge deal, just be aware any military would be significantly downsized and used for more basic things like say helping communities make repairs after natural disasters or something like that. Has he ever been to America, if his dad is from there, and he's totally into it, I'd assume he'd have gone at least once right? You may want to specify his residence as well since it should be Tokyo or nearby the city. And the online appearance, I'll need to say would not start off with a flaming head. I assume after an upgrade after say, him finishing his third and final year of "training" he would have gotten the accessory of fake flames. And I also want to know more about his weapon. I'm under the assumption (correct me if I'm wrong here) that he can reload pretty quickly, materialize new bullets. Do they do anything or are the old fashioned simple bullets? And the bicycle thing is okay...I guess, just try not to use it too much since some of the group might not have that kind of transport and I assume that maybe his most recent upgrade...since with the flaming head and TWO guns and bike, it is getting excessive. Does he have zero defense and close combat skills? Just trying to weigh your guy's pros/cons and see if I have everything straight. And you keep calling him "collector" which isn't right, it's "Corrector" as in correcting the issues in the DgtWld, they're not collecting anything except maybe boatloads of cash.

@Genkai

Ok. Whitehead is the surname of a friend of mine. It's English in origin. It's because people of that lineage tend to get white hair faster than others, hence "Whitehead". Also I dunno why I kept calling it collector, guess I was just derping out. And you're right about the guns, old fashioned bullets, but it fires fast and bullets materialize. And it makes sense that he'd visit America, so I'll add that. Also I know the personality is a bit...bad? I'll use the format the others used and revise it. On the Ghost Rider thing, I meant to portray him as recently finishing training and had gotten the upgrade but if its too over the top I can downsize it like...his transformations in the DgtWld are powered by emotion or..something along those lines. I'll work it out.

[TheMusketMan]

Alright boss, its updated.

[Krauxis]

@AliceInRedHeels I had intended for her to have dabbled in a couple of different things, crimes that would still be present in the new society anyway. Things like drug dealing, a little bit of hacking, theft, things like that. My original thoughts were a little more extreme, but I think I've abandoned them because there's no reason for her to have gotten her hands that dirty. In a newly ideal society, I imagined that even smaller crimes would be even more taboo than they used to be, so I think that's enough. Also good point about the sword, and I think I've found a solution that I am in love with. I'll change her sword to a wooden bokken, Gintama-style, and keep it wrapped up so it doesn't attract too much attention (though people would still probably shy away.) I don't think that would be dangerous enough to get constantly stopped by the police, and it would be explainable if she did get stopped. ("Just going to practice, officer.) It'd serve for self-defense if need be, too. Hopefully that answers your questions in a satisfactory way. If not, feel free to keep pestering me :p @Genkai Saw your suggestions second so hopefully I don't overlap too much and get confusing xD Unfortunately I don't quite get what you mean by 'too peachy.' I meant for her to be an aggressive attacker type, so I assumed just having a physical toolset would be fine? I don't mind changing whatever, I'm just afraid I have to ask for a bit more clarification, sorry :( As far as her upgrades, I can limit them if you're not comfortable with the general spread. The basic idea is just "Speedy flash-striker" anyway, so if I have to start lower and get better with the story, I don't mind. I wasn't sure about the frequency that the Gvn would allow for updates, so I figured a couple of small ones would work. I'll rewire that a bit. As a general idea, maybe I keep the flash strikes (with the sword) and leave off the rest? I'll think it over a bit. Her defeatist trait I had in mind that yeah, she'd be easily discouraged by insurmountable obstacles, but get over that with time, if that makes sense? Who wouldn't be, honestly? Going through a refractory period like "Dammit, this is impossible, there's no way I can do this." And if it's not important, she would probably give up. But for something important, where she's forced to bounce back, she would have to get over herself and grow a bit. I get where you're coming from, but I personally don't think it's that unreasonable. Let me know if you still don't like it, I'll work around it a bit. As for her cynicism, this is the one I'm gonna take a bit of a stance on, with apologies. To think that everybody gets over their teenage angst when they leave high school is a little closed-minded. In an ideal world, you're right, it's good to leave that behind, and most people look back and wonder what they were thinking when they were young. But not everybody develops in the same way. People live with all sorts of issues, from quirks and traits to actual medical mental issues. And having a well-paying job doesn't excuse somebody from stress or unhappiness with the state of their life. As a percentage, I think I remember reading that rich people with no 'real problems' are actually still fairly unhappy in equal measure if not more than people in poverty, and I think dismissing their problems is a bit naive. Oh jeez, sorry, I hope that didn't sound too rant-like. I'm not angry or anything, I just think that being 'cynical' is defensible. Depression and other mental illnesses are getting more and more common in 20-somethings these days, so I think it's reasonable. Plus it's possible to be a cynic, or even depressed or bipolar, and still get along just fine in society. In Karako's case she'd just be an avid complainer and occasionally get really pissed off about certain things. I don't think it's that bad. To spin it in a good light, it's like somebody who doesn't like the way the world works, and works to change it, if that makes sense. Who might say "Politics are too corrupt" so they become a politician, or "There's too much red tape in the law" so they become a judge. Of course, Karako herself is... probably not so noble. But it's the same personality trait, just acted upon differently. If you think the undercover stuff is unreasonable, that's fine. That's sort of a risk I took when I wrote it in, because I thought maybe just a slap on the wrist and a "Don't do it again" was a bit too wishy-washy. But if that's preferable to you, then that's what it'll be. No problems here. I'll retort to your nitpick-worries with my own. I hope I don't just sound argumentative here, I did just wake up. I hope you don't think I'm snapping at you, that's not my intention at all :S TL;DR: I'll be changing her sword, her corrector upgrades, and I'll leave the whole double-agent stuff on the curb. But for the rest, mostly in regards to her personality, I would like a little more clarification before I make any hard changes. I get where you're coming from, I just also get where I'm coming from, y'know? :P

[Genkai]

Only popping on briefly. Had a meeting to deal with some probation at my school. Turns out it's for financial aid and not academics like I feared so hey sort of good news, but I still have a lot to do in terms of paperwork to ensure this quarter is paid for and let's me sign up soon for hopefully one less class than the four I'm taking. Working on my rewrite, this weekend I have to work on 2 essays plus a group project. I have a dentist appointment which may take out my time Friday afternoon, depending on how I feel. So in other words, I have a list of stuff to do, I still should be able to monitor things here. @TheMusketMan It looks ok, though for the "Ghost Rider Mode" do you mean just the use of his bike or the added flaming? His obsession with it might be a little excessive, possibly to the point where if a hacker notes a Corrector's love for it, it might make it easier for them to find out who he really is. If you did want to just use the guy with the bike rather than the first picture you had, that would be fine. Though I'd still need to know about the guns and how long bullets would take to be reloaded/materialized. I mean, if it's too prompt it defeats the purpose of having a limit of rounds in the first place, which I think is needed. @Krauxis I'll get to you tomorrow or later tonight if I can. @TalijaKey You're accepted, when you're happy with your sheets, feel free to add them to the other tab.

[TheMusketMan]

Only popping on briefly. Had a meeting to deal with some probation at my school. Turns out it's for financial aid and not academics like I feared so hey sort of good news, but I still have a lot to do in terms of paperwork to ensure this quarter is paid for and let's me sign up soon for hopefully one less class than the four I'm taking. Working on my rewrite, this weekend I have to work on 2 essays plus a group project. I have a dentist appointment which may take out my time Friday afternoon, depending on how I feel. So in other words, I have a list of stuff to do, I still should be able to monitor things here. @TheMusketMan It looks ok, though for the "Ghost Rider Mode" do you mean just the use of his bike or the added flaming? His obsession with it might be a little excessive, possibly to the point where if a hacker notes a Corrector's love for it, it might make it easier for them to find out who he really is. If you did want to just use the guy with the bike rather than the first picture you had, that would be fine. Though I'd still need to know about the guns and how long bullets would take to be reloaded/materialized. I mean, if it's too prompt it defeats the purpose of having a limit of rounds in the first place, which I think is needed.

@Genkai

I was hoping for him to have the bike all the time, just in ghost rider mode he goes all flamey. It wouldn't change any of his abilities except make him look cool. Also, he flips out the cylinder and spins it and the bullets materialize in the holes. To reload both guns it would take 15 seconds.

[Krauxis]

Don't stress yourself too hard boss, I don't think anything here is so urgent that you need to have your homework and such suffer as a result :/

[Anonymous]

Moved.

[AliceInRedHeels]

@TheMusketMan Can we get you to elaborate on the actual necessity of having the motorcycle? We're still confused as to how it would help in the DgtWld, it seems like an upgrade with really little merit besides character value and a tad bit heavy-handed. We understand that it's a main part of his character, his obsession with them and western culture but it seems like a bit of a loose end? Maybe he could have a replica of the bike in the real world instead? Also regarding your Guns. Can we get you to expand on their range and targeting abilities? Do you shoot both of them at once? If so wouldn't that lower accuracy? Also with the reload are the bullets really unlimired, anyway to tone that down to a reasonable amount? The weapons system needs a set of checks and balances, makes for a better story and to keep characters from being overpowered. That's all. Gah..hope that didn't sound to mean... @Anonymous Hiya ^^ So we like the idea of another male character, but gah this is gonna sound rather mean isn't it >…< could we get you to change his concept? We already have a sycthe user and are trying to balance out the attack ranges in our group. If that makes sense? Also about his personality, maybe something a little less edgy? In general the Correctors aren't exactly wild cards, they're meant to be generally good people who can deal with living double lives. We have a few colorful characters and are looking to balance them out, that's not necessarily saying people have to play straight laced upstanding citizens but there are more ways to give a character life besides being edgy or completely out in left field. Hah I hope I didn't sound preachy, it's late here but I wanted to give out some feed back before the nights over with. Please ask any questions that you need. Any clarification at all. ~ Alice

[TheMusketMan]

@TheMusketMan Can we get you to elaborate on the actual necessity of having the motorcycle? We're still confused as to how it would help in the DgtWld, it seems like an upgrade with really little merit besides character value and a tad bit heavy-handed. We understand that it's a main part of his character, his obsession with them and western culture but it seems like a bit of a loose end? Maybe he could have a replica of the bike in the real world instead? Also regarding your Guns. Can we get you to expand on their range and targeting abilities? Do you shoot both of them at once? If so wouldn't that lower accuracy? Also with the reload are the bullets really unlimired, anyway to tone that down to a reasonable amount? The weapons system needs a set of checks and balances, makes for a better story and to keep characters from being overpowered. That's all. Gah..hope that didn't sound to mean... ~ Alice

@AliceInRedHeels

The bike is really just for him to zoom around on, it won't affect combat in any way if that's what your worried about. And I guess he can only reload a certain amount of times before he runs out of...DgtBllts or something. Short range, so I guess he uses the bike to get closer to enemies faster to fire. But other than that it's there because he'd rather ride in the DgtWld then run. And riding the bike makes him way less accurate so he would have to stop to shoot. I'll update the stuff tomorrow because it's pretty late here.

[Anonymous]

@Anonymous Hiya ^^ So we like the idea of another male character, but gah this is gonna sound rather mean isn't it >…< could we get you to change his concept? We already have a sycthe user and are trying to balance out the attack ranges in our group. If that makes sense? Also about his personality, maybe something a little less edgy? In general the Correctors aren't exactly wild cards, they're meant to be generally good people who can deal with living double lives. We have a few colorful characters and are looking to balance them out, that's not necessarily saying people have to play straight laced upstanding citizens but there are more ways to give a character life besides being edgy or completely out in left field. Hah I hope I didn't sound preachy, it's late here but I wanted to give out some feed back before the nights over with. Please ask any questions that you need. Any clarification at all. ~ Alice

I appreciate the feedback so there is no need to apologize :D Changing his weapon will be no problem at all, but could you drop me some suggestions on what you might want to see him use? Regarding personality, which adjectives do you think would need to be subbed out to soften him up a bit. I know his picture does look a bit biting so I will gladly swap it out for a more open looking anime character upon request. Again, I do not take suggestions wrongly so feel free to nitpick ny submission to this roleplay's needs.