Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

Well, I'm kinda curious as to what could be fixed up on my part anyhow; Sunday lethargy is a killer of motivation for almost everything ;w;


Yours actually looks rather good. There isn't much that I feel needs changing: just two points. Your character is carrying too much money: I state that characters should start with no more than P$2000 (see below). Only other point I have an issue with is how the biography is only two paragraphs in length. I was kinda hoping for something with a bit more substance to it.

Note to all: Money is slightly different in this role-play than in the main series games. To ensure people don't have piles of cash lying around, I've simplified how prices and such are handled. The average Poké Ball, for instance, costs P$2.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by FujiwaraPhoenix
Raw
Avatar of FujiwaraPhoenix

FujiwaraPhoenix Archer Inferno

Member Seen 19 hrs ago

OH, okay, I had always assumed that we'd be going by regular Pokemon money logic (aka Pokedollars are basically yen with a new symbol), so I'll go fix that up now.
As for the bio, I can expand that right now. Give me a moment.

Edit: There we go; money issue fixed up. I added another paragraph to the bio, but if that's insufficient I could always write more.

Editx2: Woops, forgot about the card. That's been rectified as well.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

Alright, that's looking good. =)

I don't have anything else about your character to comment on right now. That may change if I can get one of my friends to give a second opinion.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Krauxis
Raw
Avatar of Krauxis

Krauxis Who?

Member Seen 8 yrs ago

To put my two cents in, I think it's valuable to hear what you've got to say about our characters, you being the GM and all. It'd be a shame to let the momentum die before the RP even starts because you're waiting on other people, y'know? It's great that you want second opinions for a more informed perspective, but waiting for something you're not readily getting is a good way to lose motivation, isn't it?
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

I'm more inclined to think that motivation isn't something you gain or lose: it's something you create for yourself. But I see your point. Each hour that Sengun sees no activity is another hour in which it's buried by the constant updating of the Casual forum. Commentary bomb incoming.

@Kojashi28: This feels hastily written, and suffers for it.
- Appearance: "Looks very clean cut and anime like" - This makes no sense. I don't like it. (I haven't banned the use of a picture outright. You can use one if you want, but it can't be the core focus of the Appearance section. It should be supplementary.)
- Personality: This entire section seems... off. Something about it just rubs me the wrong way.
- Talents: No explanation of how he has the ability to use a Warrior Skill.
- Starter: A Poochyena should only know Tackle and Howl at level 5. Also, you don't specify his ability. This is basic stuff, found on Bulbapedia or Serebii. Gives me the impression you rushed it without doing proper research. Not a good look.
- Inventory: P$10,000 is too much to be carrying on hand. I specify that characters should have a maximum of P$2000.
- Missed the Hometown entry entirely. Raises a red flag.
- Biography is too short for my tastes, and lacking detail in pretty much every aspect.
- - The character sheet doesn't specify what "Poké-Sports" are, or what it takes to become a professional. In addition, without more information on the subject, I get the impression the character became a pro overnight, which is never a good thing.

Recommendation: Slow down. I'm inclined to think this character was a rush job, especially since you asked about starter Pokémon before going back to reread a section. There's no hurry. Take your time, but I would be more inclined towards a complete rewrite if you'd like to try again.

@ToadRopes:
- Appearance: "face has that typical female-game-protagonist shape" - I'm not a fan of this descriptor, in a similar vein to the Appearance issue mentioned in my commentary on Kojashi's application.
- - If the trombone is your personal item that holds significance, that wasn't quite what I was asking for. I'm looking for items that are either worn on the character's person, or easily carried in the middle of a heated encounter. Consider something smaller.
- Bio: Fields of mathematics such as calculating move damage won't have any effect on your battling. We aren't directly referring to pieces of data such as base stats or the power of a chosen move: that is to say, they aren't going to be mentioned in-character at all.

@Krauxis:
- Appearance: "a wiry build that doesn't seem to fit with her rather generous chest". I'm not sure how these coexist. You may wish to go for one or the other.
- Starter: Issue with having Speed Boost as an ability. I specify in the Sengun Pokédex that some Pokémon that normally only have one Ability (such as Pikachu or Torchic) have their Hidden Ability available. Venipede already has two abilities to choose from: Poison Point or Swarm.

Otherwise, seems decent.

@PKMNB0Y: Commentary has already been covered and edited accordingly. Nothing further at this time.

@Rae Zer:
- Appearance: Might just be me, but I don't see a particularly significant personal item.
- Personality: "always kind to people and Pokémon despite his dislike for common trainers and their battling until they all blacked out" - I'm not sure how someone can think at both ends of this particular spectrum.
- - Same goes for the unreliable/reliable trait.
- Inventory: You only need one ponigiri kit, for the tools and recipes within. The ingredients can be restocked at any Poké Mart.
- - Suggestion: Take one kit instead of two, but give him a second package of ingredients.
- Bio: Might just be my limited knowledge on the subject, but I'm not sure how "heavy rocks" would crack the bones in the body of a reasonably well-trained individual, unless there was another source of pressure crushing them into his spine and/or ribcage.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by ToadRopes
Raw
Avatar of ToadRopes

ToadRopes The Diggersby King

Member Seen 7 yrs ago

@WriterRaven

Alright, changed the facial description, added the bit about the trombone mouthpiece, and addressed the irrelevance of mathematics in the heat of battle. Anything else?
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

Alright, changed the facial description, added the bit about the trombone mouthpiece, and addressed the irrelevance of mathematics in the heat of battle. Anything else?


I don't think there's anything else right now. I'll let you know if something does come up.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by ToadRopes
Raw
Avatar of ToadRopes

ToadRopes The Diggersby King

Member Seen 7 yrs ago

@WriterRavenAlright, cool.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Krauxis
Raw
Avatar of Krauxis

Krauxis Who?

Member Seen 8 yrs ago

I'm more inclined to think that motivation isn't something you gain or lose: it's something you create for yourself. But I see your point.

Ideally, you're totally right. But that's just an ideal.

- Appearance: "a wiry build that doesn't seem to fit with her rather generous chest". I'm not sure how these coexist. You may wish to go for one or the other.
- Starter: Issue with having Speed Boost as an ability. I specify in the Sengun Pokédex that some Pokémon that normally only have one Ability (such as Pikachu or Torchic) have their Hidden Ability available. Venipede already has two abilities to choose from: Poison Point or Swarm.

Otherwise, seems decent.


I'ma call you a boobist, but I've taken out all reference to her chest. You can use your imagination~
Venipede now has Poison Point. I don't really have any attachment to his hidden, was just there because of her breeding hobby. I must have skimmed over where you said that, my bad.

I'll wait for further input to consider it finalized, see what Neo, etc has to say if anything. Thanks for the notes. Lemme know if there's anything else you think of.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by CallSignCorsair
Raw
Avatar of CallSignCorsair

CallSignCorsair If you couldn't tell, I like planes

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

Hey, I'm new to the forum but not to play-by-post RP. Just thought I'd submit this on the off-chance I get in :)

Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

I only notice a few small things about this character, @CallSignCorsair.

- Talents: Why the singing? It's not mentioned anywhere else in the character sheet, and frankly, I don't feel it adds anything.
- Inventory:
- - A native of Hoenn would have a PokéNav, rather than a Pokégear.
- - Not sure why he has a Sengun map and a ponigiri kit, unless he picked them up on the way to Regala after the trip to Sengun. (Which I'm okay with as long as it's specified.)

Otherwise, this is looking good.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by Rae Zer
Raw
Avatar of Rae Zer

Rae Zer Fear the Rae Zerg!

Member Seen 8 yrs ago

@Rae Zer:
- Appearance: Might just be me, but I don't see a particularly significant personal item.
- Personality: "always kind to people and Pokémon despite his dislike for common trainers and their battling until they all blacked out" - I'm not sure how someone can think at both ends of this particular spectrum.
- - Same goes for the unreliable/reliable trait.
- Inventory: You only need one ponigiri kit, for the tools and recipes within. The ingredients can be restocked at any Poké Mart.
- - Suggestion: Take one kit instead of two, but give him a second package of ingredients.
- Bio: Might just be my limited knowledge on the subject, but I'm not sure how "heavy rocks" would crack the bones in the body of a reasonably well-trained individual, unless there was another source of pressure crushing them into his spine and/or ribcage.


Ah, I thought I forgot something in the Appearance section. I'll fix the personality soon. The ponigiri kit will be fixed as well. As for the bio, I was questioning that beforehand anyway. I'll finish the problems before the day is over.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by CallSignCorsair
Raw
Avatar of CallSignCorsair

CallSignCorsair If you couldn't tell, I like planes

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

I only notice a few small things about this character, @CallSignCorsair.

- Talents: Why the singing? It's not mentioned anywhere else in the character sheet, and frankly, I don't feel it adds anything.
- Inventory:
- - A native of Hoenn would have a PokéNav, rather than a Pokégear.
- - Not sure why he has a Sengun map and a ponigiri kit, unless he picked them up on the way to Regala after the trip to Sengun. (Which I'm okay with as long as it's specified.)

Otherwise, this is looking good.


Thank you for the edits! I always get confused which tech is restricted to which region. I do admit the singing was an impulse addition, but I believe I have edited it now to where it makes sense for him to have it and adds a little something to his character. If you feel otherwise, I have no real problems removing it.

Thanks again.
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by Rae Zer
Raw
Avatar of Rae Zer

Rae Zer Fear the Rae Zerg!

Member Seen 8 yrs ago



Here's the updated and fixed version of the sheet boss.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

Thank you for the edits! I always get confused which tech is restricted to which region. I do admit the singing was an impulse addition, but I believe I have edited it now to where it makes sense for him to have it and adds a little something to his character. If you feel otherwise, I have no real problems removing it.


I have no issues with the singing addition now that you've edited it. It just raises a red flag when I see a talent that doesn't contribute to a character in any way. Looks much better now.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by c3p-0h
Raw
Avatar of c3p-0h

c3p-0h unending foolery

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago

hi there. just popping in to say i'm interested and working on an application now.
Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by CallSignCorsair
Raw
Avatar of CallSignCorsair

CallSignCorsair If you couldn't tell, I like planes

Member Seen 6 yrs ago

Fair enough, Raven. I can see where that can lead to lazy writing and/or abuse of talents in character.

Yay! More people. Can't wait to see what you come up with c3p-Oh

Raven, out of simple curiosity, what's the level of realism in this RP. Not realism in regards to physics, because that went out the window when Pokémon came in, but realism in regards to how people and society interact with each other. For instance, can we expect criminals to knowingly threaten our lives should we interfere, or is this more like the anime/games where the antagonists won't actively pursue lethality?

Hidden 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

Raven, out of simple curiosity, what's the level of realism in this RP. Not realism in regards to physics, because that went out the window when Pokémon came in, but realism in regards to how people and society interact with each other. For instance, can we expect criminals to knowingly threaten our lives should we interfere, or is this more like the anime/games where the antagonists won't actively pursue lethality?


There may be one or two situations where hostile opponents may threaten the lives of the player-characters and those around them, but they won't occur until late in the story. So antagonists won't directly aim to cause permanent injury (or worse).

There will, of course, be battles against Warrior opponents, but as mentioned in the OP, they are never intended to cause permanent injury. (A Warrior with lasting damage can opt to bow out of the fighting side of any battle between Warriors.)
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by c3p-0h
Raw
Avatar of c3p-0h

c3p-0h unending foolery

Member Seen 0-24 hrs ago



funnily enough, she was already named song before i started looking through the information spreadsheets and saw the mystriver dojo master’s name. i liked it too much to change it, so i just reworked her backstory to accommodate. there weren’t many details about the different masters, so i may have taken some liberties. for some reason i also decided to write a novel for her backstory and i am very sorry for subjecting you to it.

i was actually really iffy on this character and i'm kinda nervous posting her, so just tell me if anything needs to be changed. (but please be gentle when you do Q.Q)
Hidden 9 yrs ago 9 yrs ago Post by WriterRaven
Raw
GM
Avatar of WriterRaven

WriterRaven Doing My Best

Member Seen 1 yr ago

@c3p-0h: Okay, here we go.
- Name:
- - Needs a last name. A character without one instantly raises a red flag. Seen that too many times before.
- - And surely this person would have had a name before taking the name of her previous master. You don't specify one at all, and that just makes me even more skeptical.

- Appearance:
- - A braid that long would be markedly longer if it were loose. That's almost floor-length, and is probably a large weight. Especially in combat.
- - The scars indicate, to me at least (and the guys I roped into taking a look at the application), either that she's not that good at fighting - unlikely, given your consistent use of the subject - or that they're there for decoration.
- - The tattoos. Much like the scars, you don't specify where, when, why, or how she got them. Moreover, what tattoo artist would allow or perform such extensive work at her age, if not younger? The largest one covers more than half her arm.
- - - If no-one knows what one of the tattoos is, she should know - if she doesn't, she has a problem - and you still need to specify what it is. I don't approve of applications that hide details from the GM.

- Personality: Jarring, hostile, brushing off flaws and errors, inclined to deliberately unnerve and irritate... these traits give me the impression this character would not fit into a group of travelling Trainers, and the biography backs this up heavily. As a side note, the first impression I got from reading this section is that the character leans towards the villain side of the spectrum. I'm not looking for villain applications.

- Talents:
- - Characters should not be experts in martial artistry, as is mentioned in the template.
- - Some of the talents don't show up anywhere else, and as a result I get the impression they don't contribute to the character and are just there because they can be. (See commentary on CallSignCorsair's application.)

- Starter Pokémon: This feels to me like it was thrown in just for the purposes of ticking boxes, making sure the character complies with the requirements of a Pokémon role-play.

- Bio:
- - First and foremost: I apologise for not specifying details upfront, but at the same time you need to ask me for information instead of diving headlong into a character that I've already established - even if only in name. None of your use of Master Song is how I envision him to be.
- - I might be reading this wrong, or otherwise lacking in general knowledge, but I struggle to understand how a child is born to parents already past their prime.
- - I'm disinclined towards the idea of underground fighting as a whole. It's not something that fits in with how I see the setting. As an aside, Sengun is not meant to be as 'dark' or 'gritty' as that.

I'm sorry, but I don't feel I can accept any part of this character, even with rewrites. If you wish to try again, I suggest that you do so with a different character.

Recommendation: Don't try to make your character special. Instead try to be normal for the setting.



If you aren't sure about something, ask me and I should have an answer for you. This goes for everyone, by the way.
↑ Top
© 2007-2024
BBCode Cheatsheet